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The Donahues Episode 113

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Ryan abandons the emo subculture to prepare for his impending DC YDA Camp visit and he becomes involved with people like Trey Goodlatte, Colleen Diamond, Jesse Ellis and Cynthia Fleischmann, however, it backfires when a love triangle emerges and Ryan must put together the pieces


Submitted:Aug 13, 2013    Reads: 7    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"THE GREAT JESSE"

TV-MA DLSV

"The green light, the orgiastic future recedes before him, eludes him. No matter, he says,
tomorrow I will run faster, stretch out my arms farther. And one fine morning..."

  • Alyse Citrus

(We start with Ryan looking in the mirror, his eyes seem relaxed. He tossles his hair with both hands and then takes off his skinny jeans, painstakingly. Once he tosses those to the side, he exits his bathroom and walks into his room with only underwear and a shirt on. He puts on a looser pair of jeans and a belt. Jacob walks into his room)

JACOB: Whoa, what? No. What?

RYAN: That's right! New Year, new me!

JACOB: It's not a new year!

RYAN: Sorry, I just did lean, so I'm kind of fucked up.

JACOB: How is that the "new you" then?

RYAN: Because I'm not going to prison, maybe?

JACOB: Fuck off, Ethan works for the Mayor, he can pull strings.

RYAN: You're just pissed that I'm dad's favorite son now.

JACOB: You have never been anybody's favorite anything.

RYAN: Ouch. (Ryan grabs his heart) That's a dagger right in the artery. You might feel stabbing sensations like that in other places when you're IN JAIL!

JACOB: You realize that's an actual possibility right? I ACTUALLY might get raped in jail, I wouldn't make light of it.

RYAN: Oh whatever, you're going to Juvy, right?

JACOB: No, I'm nineteen years old!

RYAN: Oh. Well, shit. Sorry, man.

JACOB: Yeah. You know you can go to jail for doing sizzurp, right?

RYAN: They don't suspect a thing!

JACOB: Who?

RYAN: Anyway, I'm going to hang out with Trey and Colleen in a couple hours.

JACOB: …Why?

RYAN: Listen to you, what are you, Woodward and Bernstein, "who, what, when, where, why, how, with who's codeine?"

JACOB: Why are you hanging out with Trey and Colleen?!

RYAN: They invited me for some reason, and I'm intrigued as to why.

JACOB: I wouldn't trust them.

RYAN: I guess I'm going there due to morbid curiosity. Anyway, don't touch my sizzurp. I'll be back.

(Ryan walks out of the room, but not before patting Jacob on the back. Cut to Trey, Colleen and Sarah sitting on couches in Colleen's living room)

SARAH: So, why is this happening again?

TREY: We figured since Jacob is going to appear alongside the brain-eaters on MSNBC's "Lock down", then we might as well befriend another Donahue as a replacement.

SARAH: Right, but Ryan and Jacob could not be more different.

COLLEEN: Yeah, but we trust him.

SARAH: I don't even trust him.

(The doorbell rings. Trey, Colleen and Sarah get up and walk over to the door and Trey opens it to reveal Ryan holding cough syrup wrapped in a bow)

RYAN: Hey Trey and Colleee-(Ryan realizes Sarah is there and throws the cough syrup into the bushes) eeen and Sarah! When did you get back from El Campo?

SARAH: Today, Trey and Colleen invited me to surprise you. And boy, are you surprised.

RYAN: Very. Sorry I didn't bring anything.

SARAH: You did, didn't you?

RYAN: Nah. Mind if I come in?

TREY: We invited you here.

RYAN: Don't mind if I do then.

(Ryan comes in and Trey closes the door)

TREY: So, we figured since Jacob is going to do 25-life in the clink-

RYAN: Six months top, actually.

TREY: We should welcome into our life another Donahue.

COLLEEN: Yeah. This house is awesome, trust me. My dad gives my mom a shit ton of money in child support.

RYAN: Who is your dad?

TREY: Who her father is is not important. Let's say we tie one on?

RYAN: I don't know if Sarah and I are comfortable with that kind of thing.

SARAH: He's not talking about dildos. Wow, I hate that I knew that's what you thought.

RYAN: What are you talking about then?

TREY: Drinking.

RYAN: Um, I better not for a few hours. I did lean an hour ago and I do not want to double down on respiratory depression.

SARAH: Jesus Christ.

TREY: Alright then, just the three of us will.

RYAN: Where's your mom, Colleen?

COLLEEN: My mom's at her boyfriend's house and my dad lives in New York City.

SARAH: Why are you providing us all these clues?

TREY: I'm going to get some booze…clues. Booze clues. Anyway.

(Trey gets up and walks out of the room and the three of them sit there awkwardly for a few seconds. Ryan stretches a little bit)

RYAN: Ugh, my back is killing me.

SARAH: Is your chiropractor working?

RYAN: Not really, I wish they would just pull all four of my limbs in different directions and you know, loosen out the muscles.

SARAH: You want them to draw and quarter you?

RYAN: Yeah, I want them to draw and quarter me, straighten everything up.

(Sarah laughs)

SARAH: I think that would just, kill you.

COLLEEN: Do you guys know Cynthia Fleischmann?

RYAN: Uh, yeah. She's Michael's girlfriend.

SARAH: Is she?

RYAN: Yeah, they started dating recently.

SARAH: No concern about the four year age difference?

RYAN: Hey, Jerry Seinfeld dated a twelve year old.

COLLEEN: Do you think Cynthia is prettier 'an me?

RYAN: Prettier in you?

SARAH: I don't think so, your older and blonder and Cynthia is kind of…(Sarah looks at Ryan, who isn't looking back. Sarah then turns to Colleen) dumb.

RYAN: Whoa, you should've looked at me before you said that!

SARAH: I tried!

COLLEEN: Thanks.

SARAH: Why do you ask?

COLLEEN: No reason…just-

(Trey comes in holding three glasses of orange juice)

TREY: Vorange Juice, anyone?

COLLEEN: Yes please!

(Trey puts the three drinks down and Trey, Colleen and Sarah pick up their drinks and take sips)

SARAH: Mine doesn't taste like it has vodka in it.

TREY: Yeah, that's just orange juice, I figured you couldn't hold your liquor, so…

(Sarah, clearly pissed, gets up with her drink, goes to the kitchen, pours out the orange juice, pours half a cup of vodka and then adds just a little bit of orange juice and then walks back into the living room and sits down and takes a sip. She turns her head and makes a face, but then composes herself)

SARAH: Man, that's good.

RYAN: Hey Sarah, I bet you can't drive for shit when you're drunk.

(Sarah grabs Ryan's keys and then tries to get up but Ryan pulls her back to the couch and takes his keys away from her)

SARAH: Sorry.

TREY: So, the summer is quickly ending man, it fuckin' sucks.

RYAN: I know, it'll be weird having to go to sleep at a normal time. Or, having to go to sleep at all. Do you guys remember sleep?

COLLEEN: Vaguely.

RYAN: Yeah. I'm trying to get a bunch of fun stuff in during the home stretch here. I'm going to DC, then apparently I'm going my cousin Danny's wedding and then I'm going to a huge airsoft game in Connecticut, but then back to school September 2nd.

TREY: Once I'm a senior, I'll be a God among men. I'll go work out in front of freshmen during their PE class, bro, let them see what seniors stand for. Jacked stacks. Puttin' up racks.

COLLEEN: One time, I was crushed by a suitcase, and Trey managed to gain enormous strength and lift the suitcase off of me, just like that story of the woman who lifted a car to save her baby.

SARAH: Oh, verbatim.

COLLEEN: What's verbatim?

TREY: It's what I want you to do to me in the shower.

COLLEEN: Oh, okay.

(Ryan and Sarah make uncomfortable faces)

TREY: So, Ryan, what have you been up to, bro?

RYAN: Well, I'm in a band called Depraved Hallway Fern.

TREY: Oh. Never heard of them

RYAN: …Well, okay, you will! As long as you stay in Vermont and listen to the Burlington metro metal sound.

TREY: Oh, I'll stay here. I'd be a goddamned derp to live anywhere else.

COLLEEN: Absolutely!

COLLEEN: Hold on. (Colleen drinks her entire drink and stands up) WOO!

TREY: I love my little "woo" girl.

RYAN: Sarah, why can't you be a "woo" girl?

SARAH: I'm more of a "meow" girl.

COLLEEN: I bet I could slide across this table and land safely in Trey's arms. Because I trust him.

RYAN: She hasn't drank that much, how is her judgment already this corroded?

TREY: She's just normally like this. Anyway, don't worry baby, I got you.

SARAH: Are you sure this is a good idea?

TREY: Just stand back.

(Ryan and Sarah stand up and move back a bit as Colleen clears off the coffee table and Trey kneels on the other side of the table ready to catch her)

RYAN: You know, even if you did catch her, it might still hurt for both of you.

COLLEEN: Shut up, Ryan!

(Colleen smiles and runs and slides into Trey, who moves at the last second, making Colleen's feet crash into the wall and her head to hit the carpet pretty hard. A crack is also heard)

TREY: Shit!

RYAN: Fuck. (Ryan and Sarah run over to attend to Colleen, who is laying on the floor) Colleen, are you okay?

(Colleen is giggling)

TREY: Hold on.

(Trey takes out a small Doctor's hammer and taps her in the knee with it, and her knee doesn't jerk)

RYAN: Why do you have that?

TREY: Self-defense. Anyway, her knee didn't respond.

(Colleen giggles some more)

COLLEEN: I'm paralyzed with happiness!

RYAN: No, you might just be paralyzed.

TREY: Hey Ryan, do you know Jesse?

RYAN: I think we have more important things to worry about!

COLLEEN: Jesse? What Jesse?

(Cut to Ryan, Colleen, Trey and Sarah sitting in the upstairs game room)

COLLEEN: Thank God my legs still work. This is what I get for dating a huge, daunting, hulking man like Trey.

TREY: I don't like that word, hulking. Even in kidding.

COLLEEN: I was talking about your big brother.

TREY: Oh, big Trey. My dick.

RYAN: Oh, you call your dick your big brother?!

TREY: But Colleen, even if your legs didn't work, it would be alright because my shoulder could be your wheelchair.

(Trey takes Colleen's legs and puts them over his shoulders)

COLLEEN: YEEEEE!

(Trey tickles Colleen's legs numerous times and they start tickle-fighting)

SARAH: This is awkward.

RYAN: Just look at the TV and wait for this to pass.

(Sarah and Ryan glance over at the TV, which shows ESPN News with Aaron Boone)

AARON BOONE: Hello, I'm Aaron Boone and welcome to ESPN News, all the news that has no tangible effect on things that actually matter, first up, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, also known as "Alex Rod", "A-Rodriguez", "Bashar Al-A-Rod" and "Prince", was suspended without pay for the rest of this season and next by Major League Baseball for alleged dealings with now-defunct rejuvenation clinic Biogenesis of America, which allegedly served as a front for the sale of performance-enhancing drugs, specifically, Human Growth Hormone. Most cruelly, Rodriguez cannot even commit group suicide with Lance Armstrong, as both men are now immortal as a result of their steroid use.

RYAN: Damnit, I don't care about basketball!

(Pan over to Trey and Colleen)

TREY: It's baseball. And of course, A-Rod is juicing. He's a fucking Dominican, they all cheat.

RYAN: Wow.

TREY: I've been reading this message board, saying stuff about how the white race is going to be driven from power if we don't stop the gays. It's all scientifically proved, you know.

COLLEEN: Trey's becoming very profound. He reads those message boards with the long expletives in 'em.

(Trey gets up)

TREY: While whites have already been pushed from the White House, President Obama probably celebrated his 52nd birthday by stuffing bird seed into a white man's asshole and using him as piñata! (Trey walks over to a black butler in a white tuxedo) All these other races- (Trey wiggles the butler's bowtie) think they can take over. Did you know a two year old Obama killed Kennedy? It's all scientifically provened. Meanwhile, (Trey walks over to an Hispanic butler in a white tux and wiggles his bow tie) our Mexican friends have calves the size of cantaloupes because they're hauling seventy-five pounds of marijuana across the desert so they can get Texas DREAM Act money for herbal studies. I heard that from my hero, Steve King. And Hispanic peoples' bowties are notoriously un-straightened.

HISPANIC BUTLER: Hey asshole, I am very self-conscious about my cantaloupe-sized thighs! I have to waddle around places and still carry seventy-five pounds worth of pot.

TREY: Sorry. Do you have that pot, by the way?

HISPANIC BUTLER: Yeah. (Pan to the right to see a seventy-five pound bag of marijuana) I'm surprised you didn't notice that before.

RYAN: Holy shit, I'm surprised I didn't either!

TREY: Cool, how much would that be?

RYAN: Fifteen years in prison!

HISPANIC BUTLER: 90,000 dollars.

TREY: Oh…can I just get a gram then?

HISPANIC BUTLER: Jesus Christ, that'd be twenty bucks.

TREY: Cool. (Trey takes out a twenty and hands it to the butler and the butler gives him a gram of weed, which Trey puts in his pocket and the butler grabs his seventy-five pounds worth of weed and waddles out of the room as Trey turns to them) Any questions?

RYAN: Yeah, how are you so unbelievably narrow-minded?

TREY: It's a Goodlatte family tradition.

COLLEEN: I have to use the restroom.

TREY: Yes, and I have to help Juan disguise that seventy-five pounds of pot as a hoagie.

(Colleen gets up and goes to the bathroom and Trey heads downstairs)

SARAH: So, uh…you know, right?

RYAN: Know what? Do I know how strong Juan has to be to be able to carry seventy-five pounds worth of weed? Do I know how much prison time we might get if the police don't believe that much pot is a grinder?

SARAH: Calm down, Vermont decriminalized pot anyway.

RYAN: Not that much pot!

SARAH: Regardless, I was asking if you knew Trey is cheating on Colleen.

RYAN: Really? They seem so implausibly committed to each other though.

SARAH: I know! And guess who he's cheating on her with?

RYAN: It's not you, is it?

SARAH: Wow! Trust issues!

RYAN: Sorry.

SARAH: It's Cynthia Fleischmann.

RYAN: Shit, really?

SARAH: Yep.

RYAN: God, Michael's being cheated on.

SARAH: Should we tell him?

(Ryan pauses for a second. Squints his eyes in contempt while staring into the distance)

RYAN: No.

SARAH: What the hell did he do to you?

(Ryan looks at her)

RYAN: Nothing!

(Cut to the next day. Ryan, Jacob, Roger and Trey are in Trey's car. Trey is driving and Roger is in the front seat)

TREY: There's this dope-ass hotel in Burlington where Cynthia and I fuck.

RYAN: Wow, that was blunt.

ROGER: Don't worry, nigga, we havin' a party there. Who loves sosa?

JACOB: Sammy Sosa?

ROGER: No, sosa!

RYAN: Salsa?

ROGER: Have your asses even ever heard of Chief Keef?

JACOB: Oh yeah, I've heard of that dude.

RYAN: Isn't he like a seventeen-year old with weapons charges to his name and is a prick to his grandmother?

ROGER: In his defense, his grandma's a cunt.

RYAN: Oh, okay.

TREY: Shh! This is Cynthia's house.

(Trey slows down and stops the car)

RYAN: Why do we need to be quiet?

JACOB: He doesn't want Colleen to hear.

(Cynthia gets in the car)

CYNTHIA: S'up, swaggots?

TREY: Hey babe.

JACOB: Hey Cynthia.

CYNTHIA: Ew, this is that swaggot who flirted with me at Harrison's party a month and a half ago!

(Trey turns around)

TREY: WHAT?!

JACOB: Dude! I was drunk! It was before you guys were fucking! I was also drunk!

RYAN: But it was while you were dating Jordan.

JACOB: Yeah, but Jordan and I are done now that I'm going to jail. Anyway, don't hurt me!

TREY: I'll keep an eye on you, Donahue. My other eye however, will be on this total babe salad right here.

CYNTHIA: You're my favorite.

TREY: You're my favorite, Cynthia.

CYNTHIA: Drive.

TREY: Okay. (He starts driving while still looking at Cynthia) I'm driving.

RYAN: Jesus, watch the road!

TREY: I'm too in love to watch the road.

(Cut to Ryan, Jacob, Trey, Roger, Cynthia and two random chicks in a hotel room. Trey is having sex with Cynthia on one of the beds and there is a bottle of liquor on the bedside table. Jacob is making out with one of the random chicks and Roger is being blown by the other while drinking vodka straight from the bottle. Ryan is sitting alone drinking vodka and coke. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke is playing)

RYAN: Well…

(Jacob stops making out for a second)

JACOB: Why'd you even come here? Where's Sarah?

RYAN: Sarah, Irville and Amy are celebrating Amy's 44th birthday by "leather ice skating". So I figured I'd come to this. What are you doing here, Jacob? Aren't you concerned about being arrested again?

JACOB: Sort of, but I also need alcohol to numb the pain of my impending jail time. (Jacob takes a swig of vodka) You know? Booze in prison is like goldschlager, but instead of gold flakes, there's-

RYAN: Stop. God, I should just leave.

TREY: And you can't-UH! LEAVE! UHH! Because I'm your ride home!

RYAN: Can you not talk to me when you're about to cum?

TREY: I'm not even close, bro! UHH! I go tantric! ARGH! I'm like Sting!

RYAN: Yeah, if Sting was a pirate.

TREY: UHH! I COULD DO THIS FOR HOURS!

ROGER: URGH! I'M ABOUT TO CUM!

JACOB: Same here.

RYAN: Wow, sad. You're just making out.

JACOB: Yep.

ROGER: UHH! UHH!

TREY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Trey falls down on the bed) I came.

ROGER: Actually, I might be a little while longer.

RYAN: Who's Sting now, huh Trey?

TREY: Shut up, man, that's my record.

RYAN: That was four minutes.

TREY: That's like three and a half minutes longer than normal! The secret is a diet of muscle milk and estrogen bars.

JACOB: Is it low E?

TREY: It was for me!

RYAN: You realize estrogen is what women are supposed to have, right?

TREY: Shit, really?!

RYAN: Do you also realize I don't want to look at your spum-covered dick?

JACOB: Don't kid yourself.

RYAN: Shut up!

(Trey gets up and puts underwear and pants on)

CYNTHIA: You're not gonna clean up?

TREY: What's that, babe?

CYNTHIA: You should clean up, Colleen wouldn't want to see that.

TREY: …Excuse me?

CYNTHIA: Colleen's savvy enough to smell dick, right?

TREY: Are you trying to imply she's smart?

CYNTHIA: I'm just trying to be careful. Because I don't want to arouse Colleen's suspicions!

TREY: STOP SAYING HER NAME!

JACOB: Dude, calm down.

CYNTHIA: COLLEEN!

TREY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

RYAN: Trey!

(Cynthia gets up)

CYNTHIA: (Colleen impression) "Trey, you're such an asshoooole!"

TREY: RGGGH!

(Trey punches Jacob in the nose)

JACOB: OW!

ROGER: OH, I'M CUMMING!

(Cut to Ryan lying on a bed in his house. Pan out to reveal Jacob with a bandage and a bruise on his nose)

JACOB: Um…do you mind?

RYAN: Sorry, do you need your nose to walk around?

JACOB: This is my bed!

(Ryan sits up)

RYAN: Fine.

JACOB: By the way, that dude across the street, cattycorner and next door to us, has been watching our house a lot.

RYAN: Isn't he that Jesse kid? I've met Jesse before.

JACOB: Yeah, he's cool.

RYAN: I didn't care for him.

JACOB: Yeah. Well anyway, you're still on my bed.

(Ryan receives a text)

RYAN: Hold on.

JACOB: Really?

(Ryan checks his phone)

RYAN: Hey, look at that! I got a personalized tweetvite to Jesse's party tonight.

JACOB: I'm facing prison time and I was punched in the face last night, so do you mind getting up? I wouldn't want to disturb you!

RYAN: You're already disturbing me! Okay? Plus Jesse just invited me to a party, so, I need to get ready.

JACOB: Christ, man.

(Ryan gets up and walks out of the room. Cut to a bunch of cars outside Jesse's house that night. A bunch of kids are funneling into the party. Ryan parks his car and Ryan and Sarah get out of his car and walk into the party. When they come in, there a bunch of kids drinking and Jay-Z is playing)

RYAN: Ugh, is this Jay-Z?

SARAH: Yeah!

RYAN: What a terrible choice for a supposedly blockbuster…party like this!

(Some dude walks down the stairs)

SOME DUDE: ATTENTION EVERYBODY! JESSE DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST!

(Jesse walks down and pushes that dude aside)

JESSE: Don't worry, yes I do, everybody. Please, enjoy yourselves, everybody! There's a cheese fountain in the back, although I think it may be overridden with bugs, and there's a pool for all your "molest a stranger underwater" needs! Commence partying!

(They all cheer and Jesse walks down the stairs and sees Ryan and Sarah)

JESSE: Ryan Anthony Donahue and Sarah Leland Blumenthal as I live and breathe!

(Ryan and Jesse do a bro hug and then Sarah and Jesse hug)

RYAN: How'd you know our middle names, man?

JESSE: I was Facebook stalking both of you last night. Nice vacation to the Florida Keys, by the way.

SARAH: Thanks. I went there like two years ago, but thanks.

JESSE: So, welcome to my party, old sport.

RYAN: This is cool, you usually-um, anyway, usually you don't have huge parties like this.

JESSE: Well, I got tired of just hanging out with friends in the backyard, drinking beer and…with the binoculars.

SARAH: Binoculars?

JESSE: Old sport! So I decided to throw a full-fledge party. Do you think these are going to be the only people to show up?

RYAN: Who knows, man? News of parties like this spread like the plague. So send out fleas on rats to sure up your numbers.

JESSE: Yes, very good. I'm going to the backyard now, old sport, nobody follow me. Unless you want to meet me in the shallow grave I dug out there just in case…well, never mind.

(Jesse walks off)

SARAH: You know, it's weird, I'm pretty sure I didn't put my Florida Keys vacation photos on Facebook.

RYAN: Hmm. Hey, do you get the sense he has an ulterior motive?

SARAH: Is the Pope catholic?

RYAN: It certainly doesn't seem like it recently.

SARAH: Well anyway, yeah, his ulterior motive is pretty damn obvious.

RYAN: Not really. How would you know?

SARAH: Because he met Colleen Diamond in 2008 when she went to South Burlington High and they apparently fell in love, but once Colleen moved and started going to Hansbay High, they couldn't handle the long-distance relationship.

RYAN: Long distance?! South Burlington is like, only three furlongs from here. It's not even a league from this very house.

SARAH: Antiquated forms of measurement aside, he stayed madly in love, and Facebook wasn't really a thing five years ago-

RYAN: Yes it was!

SARAH: So they didn't stay connected. But then in 2012 he graduated and then moved here in 2013 and he's still madly in love with her and trying to get her to come to one of his parties, or at least, so I'm guessing.

(Cut to Jesse in the backyard standing on a ladder over his fence and looking through his binoculars at Colleen's house, which has a green back porch light)

JESSE: Oh, Colleen, I lust for you. Strange porch light color, though. Old sport.

RYAN: Why does this sound familiar?

SARAH: The Great Gatsby?

RYAN: No, I never read that. I think this sounds familiar because of Hamlet.

SARAH: How?

(Jesse walks over and picks up Ryan by his neck)

JESSE: Alas, poor Ryan! I knew him well.

SARAH: You're back!

RYAN: ACK!

(The camera pans to Kirsten Snowe, who is standing nearby holding a drink)

KIRSTEN: Actually, that's a common misquote, Hamlet actually says "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio".

RYAN: (Voice strained) Somebody get him to put me down!

(Cut to Ryan sitting on the couch watching television news with Patrick White the next day)

PATRICK WHITE: Just a round-up of international news now, relations between the United States and Russia are currently strained in what this network is irresponsibly calling the Second Cold War. That's right, already. Russia's recent law banning homosexuality and any expression of approval of homosexuality has made waves across the world and has closed many of the fruitier Russian disco gulags in Siberia's gay district and the ban has killed off the endangered Russian bear.

RYAN: I have got to call Eric to see if he's been imprisoned yet.

(Cut to Eric in a jail cell. His blonde and black emo hair is disheveled and unstraightened, he looks beaten and bruised and his skinny jeans are badly torn)

ERIC: Why exactly did I move to this country?

(A Russian guard in a babushka walks over)

RUSSIAN GUARD: (Russian accent) President Putin does not approve of any GAY things! He's manly and rides around shirtless on a horse.

(Eric now has his hand in his pants and is biting his lip)

ERIC: Go on.

RUSSIAN GUARD: Oh, fuck off, faggot. By the way, nobody beat you up, you did that to yourself.

ERIC: Not going to hold up in The Hague, buddy. But yeah, these jeans did come this way. Even with the blood.

RUSSIAN GUARD: You also beat yourself up.

ERIC: Just move on!

(Cut back to Ryan watching Patrick White on TV)

PATRICK WHITE: In addition to that, Russia has recently granted temporary asylum to accused NSA leaker Edward Snowden and continues to fund the murderous Syrian regime and as a result of these factors, President Obama has canceled a high-profile summit with President Putin as well as a lower profile Super Bowl victory party. President Obama has rejected calls by gay rights activists and some politicians to boycott the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. According to sources, however, President Obama initially rejected the call to boycott because he did not realize there was such thing as a Winter Olympics or a city called Sochi, Russia. President Putin was also reportedly unaware but is now vying for the stallion ice skating gold medal.

(The doorbell rings. Ryan gets up and goes to the door and opens it to see Jesse)

RYAN: Oh. Hey Jesse, what's up?

JESSE: Can I come in?

RYAN: Why?

JESSE: Really?

RYAN: I mean, come in.

(Jesse walks in and Ryan closes the door and Jesse nervously paces around)

JESSE: Are your parents home, old sport?

RYAN: They're at work, what's going on?

JESSE: (Voice shaking) Oh really, what do they do?

RYAN: My mom owns a racquetball company and my dad works for the Mayor, stop pacing, you're making me nervous!

(Jesse is pacing and wiping sweat off his brow)

JESSE: Oh really, what does your dad do for him?

RYAN: Oh my God, stop asking me questions, you clearly have something else on your mind! Sit down!

(Jesse walks into Ryan's living room and sits down and Ryan walks into the living room and sits down across from him)

JESSE: I only threw that party to get Colleen to come to my house, man! We used to be in love, but I'm still in love with her, I have no idea, it's awful.

RYAN: How awful?

JESSE: Have you ever tried to dry your hands with a blanket?

RYAN: Yeah.

JESSE: Worse than that.

RYAN: That's impossible.

JESSE: It's possible. Listen, I need you to set something up. Just, as a favor. For a friend.

(Ryan sighs)

RYAN: You know, you choked me last night.

JESSE: As a joke!

RYAN: But fine, if you'll stop, sweating all over my couch, I'll do this for you.

JESSE: Thanks, old sport.

(Jesse holds out his fist)

RYAN: Ooh, Pannell flashbacks. (Ryan bumps Jesse's fist. Cut to Colleen walking down the sidewalk near Ryan's house holding a golden ticket. She walks up to the door and rings the doorbell. Ryan opens the door) Colleen! Whoa, this is the first time I've ever seen you without Trey.

COLLEEN: I don't need Treeey for everything.

RYAN: Why do you have a golden ticket?

COLLEEN: This is how I got your invite, dummy.

RYAN: I sent you a text.

COLLEEN: Why'd you invite me over? You're freaking me out.

RYAN: Well, I figured Trey is sort a, well, asshole. So I figured you deserved better.

COLLEEN: You're my dating coach now?! Yay!

RYAN: Well, no, I'm not-

COLLEEN: I'm going to charge you fitty cents for this service.

RYAN: I'm rendering the service. And no one's charging anything.

(Colleen is using melted lipstick on her lips. She takes the lipstick off of her lips to reveal the smudged job she did on her face)

COLLEEN: I have some gross lipstick, you want some?

RYAN: I'm good, just come in.

(Colleen walks in and Ryan closes the door as Colleen sees Jesse standing there. They are both in awe)

JESSE: Colleen?

COLLEEN: Jesseeeee?

RYAN: Oh, so she does that for all her boyfriends.

(They run towards each other and hug. Cut to Ryan, Jesse and Colleen sitting in Ryan's living room. They are awkwardly sitting in silence when Jacob walks in)

JACOB: …Um…why?

RYAN: I have no idea.

JESSE: The weather is pretty…today.

RYAN: Don't talk about the weather.

JESSE: I looked up what the weather was like exactly ten years ago today, on August 8, 2003, and it was a misty, misty morning followed by scattered thunderous heat lightning and a light drizzle.

COLLEEN: Oh, I love talking about weather! Trey says I should become a meteorologist. I read the weather earlier and it turns out its daytime.

RYAN: And here I thought she actually found a potential career.

JESSE: Hey, could you not editorialize like you're Groucho Marx or some shit?

(The camera switches to a shot with exclusively Ryan in it)

RYAN: Sorry. But you guys make more of an effort to include me in this- (Zoom out to reveal Jesse and Colleen are making out) holy shit, this is brazen.

JACOB: And with that, Jesse's number of sacred objects he wanted to fuck but hadn't decreased by one.

(Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Jesse and Colleen sitting at Trey's dinner table with food everywhere. Trey is looking out the window, smoking a cigar)

RYAN: How do I keep ending up in these situations?!

TREY: Is it misty today?

RYAN: Where are your parents?!

TREY: My dad's at work.

JESSE: Oh, cool, what does he do?

(Trey turns around)

TREY: Engineering, listen, I organized this dinner for you guys, so eat up.

(Colleen takes out a pack of cigarettes)

COLLEEN: Mind if I smoke?

TREY: You know what I think about smoking.

COLLEEN: I do it to spite you.

TREY: (Whispering) You bitch.

(Colleen puts a cigarette in her mouth and Jesse takes out his 7-11 lighter)

JESSE: Need a light?

COLLEEN: Why, yes.

(Jesse lights Colleen's cigarette as they stare amorously at each other)

SARAH: It's not as romantic with a 7-11 lighter.

TREY: What was that?

SARAH: I said-um, I said the word "muscles".

(Jesse puts away his lighter and Colleen smokes her cigarette)

TREY: Oh yeah, I got those.

JESSE: Great food selection you have here, old sport.

TREY: YEAH! You know what would be fun? Let's go stay in a hotel in Burlington for no discernible reason. Doesn't that sound fun?

RYAN: Not really.

TREY: Let's go!

(Cut to Ryan and Sarah in Ryan's car driving down the road)

SARAH: This is fucking ludicrous! How dumb are Colleen and Jesse?!

RYAN: How did Colleen not notice the massive Facebook invites, the fact Jesse lives right across a runoff steam from her and how Jesse's parties sometimes make the paper?

SARAH: I don't think Colleen's literate.

RYAN: You joke about that, but I bet there's some truth to it.

SARAH: I'm not kidding.

(Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Trey, Colleen and Jesse sitting in a hotel room. Trey is once again looking out the window)

TREY: I fuckin' love these dope-ass windows, man.

RYAN: Shouldn't we go out to eat or something? How are we affording this hotel room?

COLLEEN: My mom gave me a card.

(Colleen takes out a plastic card labeled "The Bank of Fun" and the account number is 5555555555555555, customer since "Always" and her name, Colleen R. Diamond and there is the Fisher Price logo along with the Fisher Price guy giving a thumbs up)

RYAN: That still begs the question of how we paid for this.

TREY: They felt bad for Colleen, so we have a free night.

(Trey turns around)

JESSE: Why would they feel bad for someone so beautiful?

(Colleen puts her card away)

COLLEEN: Thank you, Jesse!

TREY: You're giving my wife a lot of compliments there, huh bub?

JESSE: She's not your wife.

TREY: We will be though. When we're all grown. In thirty, maybe forty years. And we will be together forever. And you will not lay a hand on her ever again.

(Jesse stands up)

JESSE: I resent these accusations!

TREY: Accusations?! They're flat-out insinuations!

RYAN: They sound like accusations.

TREY: You're fucking Colleen, aren't you?!

RYAN: Maybe we should go.

JESSE: Nonsense!

(Sarah places his hand on Ryan's)

SARAH: He's right, honey.

RYAN: How is he right?!

SARAH: Shh.

JESSE: Colleen is in love with ME, old sport! We met five years ago and fell in love.

(Trey laughs)

TREY: Oh, I see! So you're still clinging onto an imaginary relationship from when you were thirteen?

JESSE: Seems that way!

TREY: Well, I'll have you know she loves me!

JESSE: Colleen? What do you think?!

COLLEEN: I love Jesse.

JESSE: And you've never loved Trey, right?

COLLEEN: I, uh…

JESSE: You've never loved Trey, the second you saw him you wanted him dead, right? I won't settle for any other answers!

RYAN: Dude, take what you can get!

JESSE: Stay out of this!!

RYAN: You're the one insisting on us staying here!

TREY: Just hold tight. Colleen, you love me don't you?

COLLEEN: I've…I've-I don't love you anymore.

JESSE: And you haven't ever, correct?

SARAH: "Anymore" implies, nay, necessitates that she did at one point.

JESEE: Enough, Sarah! You wish Trey was dead, right?! You've always and forever looked at him as a pile of dog shit, right?

COLLEEN: …I never loved you, Trey.

TREY: Colleeeeeen! What about when we first met and my pits smelled so bad when we met, but then I explained it was a good thing because I work out?

COLLEEN: That was nice.

TREY: Remember how I would make you laugh by using my left turn signal when going right and vice versa?

(Colleen smirks)

COLLEEN: Yes.

TREY: Fooled 'em every time.

RYAN: I guess because they expect you to go left.

JESSE: Colleen, tell him you never ever loved him.

COLLEEN: I can't say that, Jesse! It wouldn't be true. I did love him, at one point. But then he became an asshoooole. And yet I still trusted him.

TREY: SHE LOVES ME! SHE JUST SAID IT! Because you are a cheating piece of SHIT and I am beating piece of HIT! UNDERSTAND?!

JESSE: NOOOO!

(Jesse lunges at Trey and almost hits him, but then backs off. Colleen starts crying)

COLLEEN: I can't decide right now!!

(Colleen runs out of the room)

JESSE: Colleen, wait!

(Jesse runs after him)

TREY: You want something to eat?

RYAN: Aren't you going to chase your girlfriend and the guy who fucked her?

TREY: Nah.

(Cut to Colleen driving Jesse's car with Jesse in the passenger seat)

JESSE: Are you sure you're cool with driving?

COLLEEN: Yeah, it clears my head. It also clears the heads of gnomes on my neighbor's lawns.

JESSE: I see. You're just going kind of fast, STOP!!

(Colleen slams on the brakes and swerves and the scene goes black. Cut to Trey driving with Ryan and Sarah in the back)

TREY: You guys think I'm like some sort of goddamn chauffeur?

RYAN: Sorry, we just-

TREY: I mean, where's my chauffeur hat, huh?

SARAH: You actually- (Sarah picks up a chauffeur's hat) have one back here.

TREY: Colleen likes weird things. (An ambulance siren is heard) Whoa, what's going on?

(Trey parks his car on the side of the street and the three of them get out to see an ambulance pulling up with Cynthia laying on the grass nearby as Michael Bingaman tends to her. They run over there)

TREY: What's going down over here? Was it a fight-oh?

(Michael gets up)

MICHAEL: Some douchebag hit Cynthia and injured her back and just drove away!

RYAN: Jesus, really?!

SARAH: Is she okay?

MICHAEL: She's not dead, but she hurts pretty badly, right Cynthia?

CYNTHIA: This hurts like a swaggot.

MICHAEL: Not now, okay?

CYNTHIA: DON'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW!

(The medics hop out of the ambulance. One of them has a clipboard)

MEDIC: Okay, is this Cynthia Fleischmann?

MICHAEL: Yes, she needs to go to the hospital.

MEDIC: Okeydokey, what insurance company covers her?

MICHAEL: What-is that really necessary right now?!

MEDIC: The clock's a tickin' and this is hospital policy.

MICHAEL: Jesus, Cynthia, who's your insurance provider?

CYNTHIA: I think it's Blue Cross Blue Shield, but I've lost some blood, so that may be total swag shit.

MEDIC: Can she use that blood to sign this form? We cut back on pens.

MICHAEL: GET HER IN!!

MEDIC: Alrightey.

(The medic put her on a stretcher and schlep her into the back of the ambulance)

TREY: Whoa, don't just schlep her in there like that!!

(The medics close the ambulance doors)

MEDIC: Calm down.

(The medics get in the ambulance and drive off)

TREY: Did you see the way they just schlepped her in there?!

MICHAEL: Not really, I was angrier that they tried to get her to sign health insurance forms. Only in America.

RYAN: Life under the red, white and blue. Anyway, we should go.

TREY: You guys take my car, I'll take a cab back.

(Trey throws the keys to Ryan)

RYAN: O-okay.

(Ryan shrugs his shoulders and Sarah and him get into Trey's car and speed off)

TREY: Hey listen, who was driving the car?

MICHAEL: I only caught a glimpse of them, but it was some blonde chick driving crazily in a blue 2014 Chevy Impala and the passenger was some slightly overweight dude with long brown hair, glassy eyes, a tight black V-Neck, skinny jeans, TOMS and an earring.

TREY: That's an incredibly detailed description for only catching a glimpse of them.

MICHAEL: Well, I have great eyes, my doctor's always said I had great eyes.

TREY: Anyway, your description sounds like Jesse Ellis.

MICHAEL: I don't know who that is, but the blonde chick looked like it was Colleen Diamond.

TREY: No, it wasn't.

MICHAEL: How would you know? You weren't-

TREY: IT WASN'T! And by the way, Jesse Ellis was having sex with Cynthia.

MICHAEL: …Really?!

TREY: Yep.

MICHAEL: Oh, I knew she was cheating on me. I could see it in her eyes every time she stumbled out of a party with only panties and a shirt on.

TREY: Yup.

MICHAEL: Where does this Jesse Ellis live?

TREY: 1781 North Suffolk Street.

MICHAEL: Wow, you had that right on the tip of your tongue.

TREY: Jesse had your girlfriend on the tip of his-

MICHAEL: DUDE!

TREY: Sorry.

MICHAEL: I'm broken over here!

(Cut to Ryan and Sarah in their car head-banging to very loud metal. Ryan then stops for a second)

RYAN: Wait, is the radio on?

SARAH: WHAT?

RYAN: IS THE RADIO ON?

SARAH: I THINK IT'S-WOW, NO IT ISN'T!

RYAN: SHIT, THAT'S MY RINGTONE! (Ryan answers his cell phone and the loud music stops) Hello?

SARAH: Jesus, do you have Dolby digital surround sound speakers on your cell phone?!

RYAN: WHAT?! (Cut to Ryan and Sarah running into Jesse's house) JESSE!!

SARAH: JESSE!

(They run upstairs and walk into his room and open the closet door to see Jesse sitting there smoking a cigarette)

RYAN: Jesse!

JESSE: WHAT?!

RYAN: What the fuck, you ran into Cynthia Fleischmann?!

JESSE: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!! Wait, do you mean I ran into her like, the way you run into an old friend?

RYAN: No!

JESSE: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

RYAN: She's DEAD, Jesse!

JESSE: WHAT?! (Jesse starts tearing up) No! Why?!!

(Ryan gets a text and checks it)

RYAN: Oh wait, I misread that, she's fine.

JESSE: Are you fucking kidding me dude?!

RYAN: Sorry! But I just spent the last fifteen minutes thinking George W. Bush was dead, turns out he just had a heart stent put in.

SARAH: Why didn't you stop and help?!

JESSE: I…I, uh…fuck. I wasn't driving. Colleen was. She said it clears her head-listen, I'll take all the blame. I'll proceed from shame.

RYAN: Wow, I am really starting to get annoyed with everyone referencing Nirvana.

SARAH: Why would you take the blame for her?! She's such a dumb, bad person, she nearly killed somebody with her car!

JESSE: She tossed her business card out the window so they could get in contact with her!

RYAN: Great, so she tossed a business card out the window with the remote hope it might land in the victim's gaping wound and they could contact her.

JESSE: I love her. And we can be together again, just like 2008.

RYAN: You can't always bring back the past.

JESSE: You're dating a girl who broke up with you six months ago, I don't want to hear it.

SARAH: Fair point. Where's Colleen right now?

JESSE: She's at Trey's, telling him they're done.

(Sarah looks at her phone)

SARAH: Yeah, on Facebook, Colleen just checked into the Essex Junction Amtrak with Trey Goodlatte.

JESSE: …They're probably just grabbing a bite to eat on Amtrak before she tells him.

RYAN: Yeah, those flat sandwiches are great break-up food.

JESSE: I'm going to take a swim to clear the mind.

(Jesse walks out of the closet and out of the room as Ryan and Sarah look on)

RYAN: I'll give him this. He is the most hopeful person I've ever met. Like, Barack Obama would think this guy is naïve.

SARAH: I would characterize him as a dangerously delusional asshole.

RYAN: I see. Let's just go visit Cynthia in the hospital.

(Sarah and Ryan walk out of the room. Cut to Jesse in his swimsuit standing over his small pool, which has a net going over it and is filled with leaves)

JESSE: One small leap for Jesse, one giant- (Michael runs into his backyard and tackles him into the swimming pool) AHH, FUCK!

(Cut to Jesse in the hospital with a broken arm. Ryan is by his side)

RYAN: Hey Jesse.

JESSE: Hey Ryan. Where's Colleen?

RYAN: Um…she's staying with Trey, Jesse. She also nearly killed Cynthia Fleischmann.

JESSE: But she's my chick who nearly killed Cynthia Fleischmann!

RYAN: Yeah, and she's deciding to stay with a fellow asshole.

JESSE: Why are you the only one here? Where are my parents?

RYAN: Where are your parents ever?! Listen, I'm the only one here. Sarah didn't want to come because she hates you.

JESSE: Wow. I, uh…this all feels very disheartening.

RYAN: If it makes you feel better, I wrote a book for you called-(Ryan takes out a blank Hallmark card with "The Great Jesse" written on it) "The Great Jesse". It starts like this. (Ryan breathes in for the first word he's about to say, but then we cut to Ryan speaking to Sarah in his room, but now he's back to wearing skinny jeans and straightened hair) And that's why I'm going back to being an emo. Because non-emos are assholes. But then again, so are emos, so I guess it's really what kind of assholes I want that is the key choice here.

SARAH: Hmm-mm.

(Cut to black)

THE END





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