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The Donahues Episode 12

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Ryan is placed into the Hansbay High School Program for irreparably harmed children or SPIHC with Logan, Ethan, Mayor Sarandon and Kimberly pursue a lawsuit against a trampoline company when it injures Ethan and Michael, Brennan and Sarah attend a Devil’s Niece concert


Submitted:Jun 8, 2012    Reads: 8    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE"

TV-MA LSV

"Eternally trapped. Forever lost in darkness. Bound Insanity"

  • Pearl Colored Roses

(We start with a school board room, where Principal Maxell, four school counselors, two vice principals and others are gathered.)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Alright, everybody, let's get started. Today we are meeting to discuss Ryan Donahue, and the continuing problems surrounding that particular individual. His counselor is Mrs. Vammberg, who will begin.

(Mrs. Vammberg, an elderly German woman, pulls up her chair and takes out a clipboard)

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: (German accent) I am Mr. Donahue's chancellor.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You mean counselor?

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Sure. Anyway, Mr. Donahue has a variety of problems, varying from depression to bisexuality to wounds inflicted upon himself, drug problems , anxiety, familial problems, motivational problems, school problems, more money mo' problems, 99 problems and a bitch ain't one,

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Mrs. Vammberg, we get it that he has a fuckton of problems, but what are the solutions?

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: It is my belief that the best course of action to take is to put him in the School Program for Irreparably Harmed Children, or SPIHC. He is very troubled. He gets high to make himself happy, he'll lock himself in his room when he gets sad, his father verbally abuses him and his siblings generally don't support his needs. His friends are his only solace, and even they get annoyed by him. And I do realize we are very close to the end of the year, however, I believe this will be like a test run for when he continues the SPIHC program next year, the only difference being that in most test runs, there is not a guarantee you will return the following school year, while in this, there is.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I see. And he told you all this in-

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Complete confidence, yes.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: With the explicitly stated promise that you would-

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Not tell anybody, yes.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: So right now you are-

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Betraying his trust, that's correct.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I have no idea why you are being so-

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Honest about it? I don't know either.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You are a-

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Lying, backstabbing bitch? Of course.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: That was actually not what I was going to say.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Well, it's true.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Counselor, I don't know how you do things in Germany, but our policies on putting people into special programs are very different, we do it sparingly.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Listen, I think the final solution here is to place Ryan in this program so we can keep him under control. For God's sakes, he runs around with that other kid Michael Bingaman, constantly violating PDA rules, he comes to school on ecstasy or cough syrup frequently, he harms himself and did you see what he did to Governor Romney yesterday? He harms others.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Governor Romney pinned him down to cut his hair at our direction!

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: That's another thing, he wears strange clothes and his hair is strange too. I believe SPIHC is best for him.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: (Sighs) Fine. Let's see if we can get a majority vote here. I vote aye. Vice Principal Isakson?

VICE PRINCIPAL ISAKSON: Aye!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Vice Principal Mikulski?

VICE PRINCIPAL MIKULSKI: Aye!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Counselor Toomey?

COUNSELOR TOOMEY: No.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Counselor Wicker?

COUNSELOR WICKER: No.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Counselor Vammberg?

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: AYE!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Counselor Kirk?

COUNSELOR KIRK: No.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: The vote is 3-4, the solution is agreed to. Ryan will be immediately placed into SPIHC. Meeting adjourned.

(Cut to Ryan and Michael talking during passing period in front of lockers. Ryan is wearing black super skinny jeans and a black "Falling Correctly" t-shirt)

RYAN: Here's a movie idea, a guy's face is ripped off by a chimpanzee, and he finds comfort in banging Megan Fox.

MICHAEL: Sounds like a pretty thin premise.

RYAN: You get to see full Megan Fox nudity.

MICHAEL: Okay, I'd see it.

RYAN: I'm thinking James Franco would play the faceless guy.

MICHAEL: How would you simulate not having a face?

RYAN: Easy, we rip off James Franco's face.

MICHAEL: I don't know if he'd be cool with that.

RYAN: They ripped off his arm in 127 Hours!

MICHAEL: No, that was special effects.

RYAN: Son of a bitch lied to me.

MICHAEL: By the way, I'm meeting Mallart Bond tonight.

RYAN: WHAT? Don't fuck with me, bro; are you really meeting Mallart Bond tonight?

MICHAEL: Yeah man, they're playing a concert at a restaurant in Burlington.

RYAN: Who's all going?

MICHAEL: Well, Sarah, Brennan, Michelle, and I was hoping you.

RYAN: God damnit, I can't, my dad is being a butt hound and expecting me to go to group therapy.

MICHAEL: Oh. Okay, well I'll get something he signed for you. Why are you in group therapy?

(Counselor Vammberg approaches)

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Hello, Michael and Ryan.

RYAN: Hi, Chancellor Vammberg.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Ryan, you are being put into SPIHC.

(Everybody around gasps and looks at Ryan)

RYAN: Excuse me?

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Yes. Come with me.

RYAN: NO!

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Biegen Sie in die Unterwerfung, du bisexuell emo Wichser! Ich bin euer Kanzler, nachdem alle!

(SUBTITLES: Bend into submission, you bisexual emo prick! I am your chancellor, after all!)

RYAN: Ich WILL NICHT, KANZLER VAMMBERG! ICH WILL NICHT AUF DIE VERRUCKTE LEUTE GO! SAGEN SIE ES IST NICHT SO, KANZLER!

(SUBTITLES: I DON'T WANT TO, CHANCELLOR VAMMBERG! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE CRAZY PEOPLE! SAY IT AIN'T SO, CHANCELLOR!)

MICHAEL: She taught you German?

(Chancellor grabs Ryan by the shirt and drags him as he begrudgingly walks with her as people stare. Cut to Kimberly at home, doing bills at the kitchen table)

KIMBERLY: 11,000 dollars for a penguin statue? 14,000 dollars for an unmanned drone? 21,000 dollars for a shot glass the size of a wardrobe? What the hell is this stuff?

(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon, both dressed in suits, enter stage right)

ETHAN: Good evening, wifey.

MAYOR SARANDON: Good afternoon, Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: It's neither afternoon nor the evening, but whatever, Ethan, why did we spend 1,500 dollars on renting the old set of Seinfeld?

ETHAN: (Laughs) Oh, that was Brian and I, we lived there for like a week, I slept on the couch in Jerry's apartment set, and Brian slept on the couch in George's apartment set. We ate at the Tom's Café set, too.

KIMBERLY: Was there food there?

MAYOR SARANDON: No, that's the thing! We had a guy deliver pizza to the set! We also usually had him hang out with us in there, whether he liked it or not.

KIMBERLY: That's disturbing, anyway, these bills are way too high and you're buying too many things that you don't need!

ETHAN: I need it all!

KIMBERLY: No you don't, why the hell would you need a 5,000 dollar portrait of an American Eagle pistol whipping a Russian bear?

ETHAN: Sorry for being a patriot, you pinko!

KIMBERLY: The Cold War is over, and I am a patriot, just, (sighs) Listen, just calm down on the spending, okay? This is still a slow recovery.

ETHAN: Fine.

MAYOR SARANDON: You know, I was actually thinking about getting a portrait of Donald Duck raping Snooki in my office.

KIMBERLY: What?

MAYOR SARANDON: It's art!

ETHAN: Not my style, personally, but a bold choice, and I commend you for it.

MAYOR SARANDON: Thank you.

(They shake hands)

ETHAN: Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to jump on our new trampoline.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, that's also in these bills. Three-hundred dollars for a trampoline.

ETHAN: T'was a good deal.

KIMBERLY: T'was probably the only thing you got a good deal on.

ETHAN: Whatever. We're going to go jump on the trampoline. Goodnight, Kim.

MAYOR SARANDON: See you tomorrow.

(They both start to exit stage left)

KIMBERLY: It's not night, and no, I'll probably see you in an hour when you come back inside.

(Cut to Michael, Brennan and Sarah entering a dark restaurant filled with people. There is a stage, bar and tables. A waitress comes up to them)

WAITRESS: Hi, welcome to Seani's, how many in your party?

MICHAEL: Three.

WAITRESS: Right this way. (They follow her to a table, reasonably close to the stage. They sit down, giddy with excitement) Hi, my name is Claire, and I'll be serving you today. Can I get you anything to drink?

BRENNAN: Wow, there's a litany of options!

MICHAEL: Forty different types of bread sticks?

BRENNAN: And thirty sodas! Including Mr. Pibb for some reason.

CLAIRE: We're contractually obligated to sell only Doctor Pepper products!

(They all give thumbs up and smile, then stop doing that)

BRENNAN: I'll have Mr. Pibb.

MICHAEL: I'll have Mr. Pibb as well.

SARAH: Me too.

CLAIRE: Okay, I'll be right back with that and then I'll come get your order.

MICHAEL: Let's just order now!

CLAIRE: OKAY, FINE! JESUS!

MICHAEL: Wow, that was an over-reaction. Anyway, I'll have the schmageggi Alfredo.

SARAH: Is that good?

MICHAEL: Yeah, it is.

SARAH: Should I get that?

MICHAEL: Definitely.

SARAH: I'll have the tortellini alla pana.

MICHAEL: Why would you-

BRENNAN: I'll have a bowl full of croutons drizzled in syrup with a side of fish.

CLAIRE: That's not on the menu…

BRENNAN: Did I say it was on the menu?

CLAIRE: I'll see what I can do.

(She takes up everybody's menus and leaves)

MICHAEL: So, this is exciting. Why couldn't Logan come?

SARAH: Oh, he had to say after for some SPIHC thing. You know, the insane kids program he's in.

MICHAEL: So that's why I only see him before and after school.

SARAH: Yeah.

MICHAEL: And that explains why he's so insane.

SARAH: No, he's in there because he's insane, he's not insane because he's in there.

MICHAEL: Wow, I can just imagine Mallart Bond behind the curtain, just getting ready to look sad.

BRENNAN: I know, I'm excited to meet him. Why couldn't Ryan come?

MICHAEL: Yeah, he was dragged off by some German woman to SPIHC.

SARAH: WHAT?

(Cut to Ryan, Logan and ten others in a poorly lit room sitting in chairs with a desk at the front of the class)

RYAN: This is so freaky. Why is this room so poorly lit?

LOGAN: Bright lights are not usually good for some of these kids. Especially not the vampire kids.

RYAN: There are vampires kids in here?

LOGAN: There are kids who think they are toaster ovens in here, dude. These are the worst of the worst.

RYAN: So does that make us the best of the worst?

LOGAN: Probably. We're class A, which means we stay here during school hours but are in the general public before and after school. Some of these kids are class B, which means they stay here 24 hours a day.

RYAN: Jesus Christ.

(The camera pans to a girl in a black dress and a white buttoned shirt with black hair in the fetal position in the corner of the room)

GIRL: That giant can't take my berries to save his goddamn life, I'll shove the Liberty Bell up his asshole before he gets his giant hands on these berries…they're going to throw him back in there someday…it's only a matter of time…(unintelligible jabber)

(Ryan and Logan turn around)

RYAN: Who is that?

LOGAN: That's Kay. She thinks a giant is after her berries.

RYAN: Sounds reasonable. Hey Kay, are you feeling alright?

KAY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(Ryan and Logan, along with others cover their ears until she stops)

LOGAN: What is wrong with you man? No one has spoken to her in three years!

(They turn back)

RYAN: What? That's fucked up. They're not even treating these kids, they're just getting them out of the way.

LOGAN: That's the point!

RYAN: Why don't they transfer to some of Vermont's fine mental hospitals?

LOGAN: You know how much money it costs Vermont state-run mental hospitals to treat patients? The Vermont Legislature considered it cheaper to just allow schools to run programs, the only problem is, they didn't give any guidelines! Nice job, Speaker Smith!

RYAN: Where is the teacher?

LOGAN: Yeah, he usually comes in pretty late.

RYAN: Doesn't he have to…teach us?

LOGAN: Dude, they've given up on us. You're going to have to accept that.

RYAN: Where's the food and water?

LOGAN: There's a water cooler in the other room, and there's a maze you have to go through to get food, it appeals to your most basic fears, whatever they may be. Also, the most dangerous kid here is in that maze. You have to avoid him, he might kill you.

RYAN: This whole program seems frighteningly illegal.

LOGAN: I haven't even mentioned the animal sacrifices yet.

RYAN: Aghh!

(Cu to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan jumping up and down on the trampoline, which has a net around it. They are jumping up and down during the following exchange)

MAYOR SARANDON: Wee!

ETHAN: Wee!

MAYOR SARANDON: This reminds me of growing up in Montpelier. My dad would have my jump on his version of a trampoline, also known as, a slippery bathtub.

ETHAN: That doesn't sound, safe.

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I cracked my head open once or twice, but he said it taught me character.

ETHAN: Or maybe it taught you not to jump in a slippery bath tub.

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I haven't hurt myself since-(He bounces awkwardly into the net, and that knocks the trampoline over, causing Ethan to land face first on the net-covered ground. Ethan is bleeding from the nose, and you hear a definite crack when his arm hits the ground) FUCK!

ETHAN: GODDAMNIT! Are you okay??

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah…I'm fine, you?

ETHAN: No…I'm the opposite of okay…I think I broke my arm and my nose, call an ambulance!

MAYOR SARANDON: Hang in there, Ethan. Let me go get help!

(Mayor Sarandon gets up and runs out of the shot. Cut to Brennan, Sarah and Michael at the restaurant. The owner of the restaurant, some stoner wearing a beanie, walks up to the mic)

OWNER: Hello, everybody, I'm Chuck. This next band is called "Devon's Noose" or something, and they are a hit with the 15 and 8 months to 16 and 5 months Vermonter emo High School student demographic. Please acknowledge the existence of…Mallart Bond and Devon's Nurse!

(Michael, Sarah and Brennan are the only ones to applaud loudly, stand and cheer or act viscerally in any way to their presence, as Mallart Bond, a 25-year old with teased black and white hair, dark clothing and a lip ring comes on stage, along with other similar looking people. Mallart is on vocal while one guy does guitar and the other does drums)

MALLART: The band name's actually Devil's Niece, but whatever, hello, Burlington!

BRENNAN: YEAH!

MICHAEL: WOO!

SARAH: SIGN MY TITS, MALLART!

MICHAEL: SIGN MY DICK, MALLART!

BRENNAN: SIGN MY WRIST, MALLART!

(Brennan takes out a knife)

MALLART BOND: Please, please, three emo kids in the back, save some enthusiasm for the rest of the crowd, right crowd?

(A few moments of silence before a drunk with a moustache stands up)

DRUNK: Hey, you, you (hiccup) you Satanist prick…why don't ya, go…to a doctor…that cyst on your…neck don't look too…(hiccup) good.

(The drunk passes out)

MALLART BOND: Okay then. Any requests?

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: I request you don't play anything.

MICHAEL: Nonsense! Play "Suffering in Solace".

MALLART BOND: Alright. Here we go. (Really loud emo rock is being played while the following lyrics are screamed) EVERY TIME I FIND MYELF IN THE DEPTHS OF A PIT SO DEEP AND WIDE THAT JAGUARS LEAP AND ABOUND THE TIDE TO FIND A RIDE JUST TO FIND OUT HOW I DIED INSIDE, BUT I WON'T LET THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS STALL US, BECAUSE I'M SUFFERING IN SOLACE!

SARAH: (Talking over music) SO, WHY WAS RYAN PUT IN SPIHC ANYWAY?

MICHAEL: (Talking over music) YOU KNOW, BECAUSE-

MALLART BOND: HE'S ADDICTED TO THE VICE, RUIN EVERYBODY'S LIVES, BISEXUALITY IS NICE AND HIS WRISTS HE LIKES TO SLICE, OOOH!

MICHAEL: I THINK THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP!

SARAH: YEAH!

(Cut back to Ryan and Logan in the room. A man with thinning brown hair, a mustache and a dress shirt with rolled up sleeves and a loosened tie smoking a cigarette comes in and leans on the desk. He takes a deep drag on his cigarette and then sits down)

TEACHER: Hello, class. I'm Mr. Menendez.

RYAN: You know, in Vermont it's illegal to smoke in enclosed workplaces.

MR. MENENDEZ: This is not a workplace, dipshit, this is a school.

RYAN: That's not better, and that's still a workplace, so you're not allowed to smoke here.

MR. MENEDEZ: Well, you're not allowed to shut the fuck up!

RYAN: So I can talk?

MR. MENENDEZ: No, I mean, you are allowed to shut the fuck up.

RYAN: So, I still have the option to not shut the fuck up?

MR. MENENDEZ: You have the option to go into the catacombs back there.

LOGAN: Yeah, maybe you should shut up, Ryan.

RYAN: Fine.

MR. MENENDEZ: Okay, class. I'll be right here, do what you want.

RYAN: How is this a class if you're not teaching us?

MR. MENENDEZ: Would you rather I say sugar-coated mental institution?

RYAN: I guess not.

MR. MENENDEZ: Great. So, let me get on Facebook while you psychos kill each other or whatever.

LOGAN: Let's go.

(They get up and go. Cut to the maze. They enter a scary looking maze area. The room is dark and damp, with occasional dripping)

RYAN: (Shaky voice) Ohhhh…I don't know about thiiiiiis!

LOGAN: Stop talking like you're a cartoon character, we'll be fine.

(A naked kid runs up to the two of them)

NAKED KID: HEY!

RYAN: AGH! JESUS, WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?! IS THIS THE PSYCHO KID???!!!

LOGAN: No, this is Jerry. What's up, Jerry?

JERRY: Did you two know the government is building atom bombs that can kill MILLIONS?

RYAN: Dude, it's not the 50's.

LOGAN: He knows, it's just that they showed Shutter Island one too many times in the other room.

RYAN: They show movies in there?

LOGAN: …Not anymore.

(Logan takes a drag on a cigarette, blows out and stares off into the distance)

RYAN: …Where did you get that?

(Cut to Ethan with his arm in a sling and gauze on his nose sitting in the waiting room with Kimberly and Mayor Sarandon at Bleeding Heart Hospital)

ETHAN: We have to sue the motherfuckers who made that trampoline.

MAYOR SARANDON: I absolutely concur. We'll take them to court and sue the pants off them. They should've put metal bars instead of just a net!

KIMBERLY: I think you would've gotten hurt way worse if there were bars instead of a net, but I'm a liberal, so I do have a natural tendency to pursue frivolous lawsuits. I know a lawyer in Manchester who will be able to help us.

ETHAN: We have to travel to New Hampshire? That's like a two and a half hour drive.

KIMBERLY: I'll have (Takes out a DVD called "Batteries not Included") Batteries not Included cued up on the TV in the back.

MAYOR SARANDON: What is that?

KIMBERLY: A heartwarming story about a couple whose apartment is under threat from property development and they're saved by aliens.

ETHAN: It sounds really stupid.

KIMBERLY: It was directed by Steven Spielberg and won awards.

MAYOR SARANDON: …Why?

(Cut to Kimberly, Ethan and Mayor Sarandon in a board room with a secretary. Kimberly is wearing a suit with a skirt and Ethan and Mayor Sarandon are wearing suits. Ethan is still wearing a sling for his broken arm and still has gauze around his nose)

SECRETARY: Can I get you anything?

KIMBERLY: No, we're fine, thank you; we're just expecting the lawyer to be here at any moment.

(A lawyer comes in who is very slick and suited in fine Italian wear. Ethan, Kimberly and Mayor Sarandon get up to shake his hand. His secretary leaves)

LAWYER: Nice to meet all of you, I'm David Merkely. (They all sit down) Sorry I'm late, but the traffic was crazy.

ETHAN: Did you take the turnpike?

DAVID: Yes.

ETHAN: Well, I love taking the turnpike, but sometimes there's construction and you have to loop-de-loop around like six times, before you realize you're going a circle, you know how I-89 South is.

DAVID: I don't think anybody does that.

ETHAN: You know, we're looking for a new home,

KIMBERLY: No we're not.

ETHAN: And we found one in this beautiful neighborhood, that's so nice, we might not even have to refinance!

KIMBERLY: No, we didn't!

ETHAN: Where's my café latte?

MAYOR SARANDON: Why do you have to add that qualifier? You could've just said "latte".

DAVID: If you want coffee, I'll have my assistant get you some.

ETHAN: That'd be great.

DAVID: Okay. DEBBIE! COULD YOU GET SOME COFFEE FOR MR. DONAHUE??

DEBBIE: (Offscreen) BE THERE IN A SECOND!

DAVID: She'll be here in a second.

KIMBERLY: Great, let's get down to business.

ETHAN: Whoa, I am not getting down to anything until I have my café latte.

KIMBERLY: Jesus, FINE.

MAYOR SARANDON: So I was having my maid put my pants on this morning,

KIMBERLY: My god.

MAYOR SARANDON: And guess what? She forgot to zip.

DAVID: Ugh, I hate that.

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I know. Plus, I think she stole from me.

(Debbie comes in and gives Ethan the café latte)

ETHAN: Thank you, sweetheart.

(She leaves)

KIMBERLY: Okay, let's get down to business. David, we would like to sue Airzone™®© for the lack of safety in their trampolines. They have a net, but, Mayor Sarandon here accidentally bounced into the net, causing the whole thing to fall over and severely injure my husband. What are we to do?

DAVID: Well, I do think that a lawsuit is the next reasonable course of action. Of course, there are other courses you can take, and I don't mean to be course with you, of course, but perhaps a course on acting would be beneficial to your case, paid for by me in full, of course.

ETHAN: Why would a course on acting be a reasonable (clears throat) course of action?

DAVID: Because during the court proceeding you have to ham it up. There's no settling out of court on this, because your husband and his friend were clearly dipshits and Airzone did nothing wrong, but if you want to make it seem like they did, you have to act the part. I mean, are these even real injuries?

(David pats Ethan on the back)

ETHAN: AGH! SON OF A BITCH!

DAVID: Nice.

ETHAN: Dude, seriously, I am hurt.

DAVID: Oh, sorry.

KIMBERLY: I like the sound of this though. We can get all sorts of money if we really follow through with this. American dollars, Canadian dollars, you name it.

DAVID: Only American dollars.

KIMBERLY: Oh, well, that's acceptable too.

(Cut to Brennan, Sarah and Michael at the table as Devil's Niece finishes up their last song)

MALLART BOND: I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ARE A LEO OR A GEMENI! CAUSE IF YOU'RE A LEO THEN I THINK YOU SHOULD BLEED OUT AND DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

MAN IN THE AUDIENCE: Jesus! Let's leave.

(Him and his family get up and leave)

BRENNAN: Prude!

MALLART: Thank you and good night!

(Mallart and the band walk off stage as Michael, Brennan and Sarah get up to greet them)

BRENNAN: Oh my god, Mallart, I LOVE your music, sign my wrist, please!

(Brennan takes out a knife and hands it to Mallart)

MALLART: No problem, buddy. Who do I make it out too?

BRENNAN: Brennan Samuel Sanford.

MALLART: How about just Brennan? You only have so much blood.

BRENNAN: Yeah. (He begins carving his name into Brennan's wrist as Brennan writhes in pain) OHHH!!! IT HURTS SO GOOD!

(Cut to Ryan, Logan and Jerry traversing the maze. They look exhausted and sweaty)

RYAN: God, we've been in here for an hour! Also, we've seen no sign of the most dangerous kid in SPIHC, just a bunch of bats, spiders, crazy naked kids and constant re-playing of the default AT&T ringtone. (The AT&T ringtone starts playing) SHUT UP!

(It stops)

JERRY: Ryan, the most dangerous kid in SPIHC is no longer in the maze.

LOGAN: What are you talking about, yes he is!

JERRY: You and I both know he's not anymore. Not since late April.

RYAN: What?

(A kid in tribal make-up and tribal clothes with a spear comes out)

KID: GET OUT OF HERE! THIS IS OUR TERRITORY!

RYAN: Agh! Savages! We won't infringe on your territory! Just leave us alone!

KID: Savages?? We ain't no savages, this is a civilization. We have a government, law enforcement, entitlements, everything!

LOGAN: What? That makes no sense. What's your name?

KID: Name's Kirk.

RYAN: Logan, is this the most dangerous kid?

LOGAN: …Sure.

JERRY: He's lying. We all know full well who the most dangerous kid was here. Full well.

(Kirk and Jerry start looking at Logan)

RYAN: Wait…what?

(Flash back to the main SPIC room, where the girl in the black dress and the white buttoned shirt with black hair in the fetal position was in the corner of the room)

GIRL: That giant can't take my berries to save his goddamn life, I'll shove the Liberty Bell up his asshole before he gets his giant hands on these berries…they're going to throw him back in there someday…it's only a matter of time…(unintelligible jabber)

(Flashback to when Ryan and Logan were in the main SPIHC room talking to each other)

LOGAN: There's a water cooler in the other room, and there's a maze you have to go through to get food, it appeals to your most basic fears, whatever they may be. Also, the most dangerous kid here is in that maze. You have to avoid him, he might kill you.

(Flash back to when Logan, Ryan and Jerry were walking through the maze)

JERRY: Ryan, the most dangerous kid in SPIHC is no longer in the maze.

LOGAN: What are you talking about, yes he is!

JERRY: You and I both know he's not anymore. Not since late April.

(Flash back to the Hansbay High tornado lockdown in late April. Ryan, Jacob, Ross, Lance, Alex, Sarah, Connor, John and Beckett are in the cafeteria. Posters are ripped off walls, there is food everywhere, there are several people passed out, there are scorch marks in various places, bras thrown every which way and it's just generally messy)

RYAN: My God.

(A student with a baton being chased by Principal Maxell comes in, making various "WOO HOOH" noises along the way)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: C'MERE, SHITHEAD!

STUDENT: Not a chance!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I'M SICK OF THE GAMES, LOGAN!

LOGAN: Are ya?

(Logan jumps on a table, as does Principal Maxell, Maxell rushes Logan but Logan whacks him in the head, and it's lights out for him as he falls on the table)

BECKETT: JESUS!

(The seven of them, plus the racist gays rush over to make sure he's okay. Cut back to the present)

RYAN: Oh my god. You were the most dangerous kid here. But then you escaped SPIHC during the lockdown chaos, and that's why you whacked the principal over the head!

LOGAN: (Sigh) Yes. Yes, that's the case. But I've gotten better. Personally though, I think there's a successor to me. Someone who can repel based on your fears. Someone who can degrade you to your most base and callow of instincts, someone who can bring you to your knees.

RYAN: Well, I'm claustrophobic, how the hell would he- (The walls start closing in) AHHHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO???!!!

LOGAN: I DON'T KNOW!!!!

(They keep closing as they keep screaming. Eventually, they're almost crushed, but the walls stop)

RYAN: OH THANK GOD!

KIRK: What a relief!

LOGAN: Yeah, but how do we get out of here?

KIRK: Say you're afraid of open spaces!

RYAN: I'M AFRAID OF OPEN SPACE!

(The walls back off and they are suddenly in an open field with a bright sun and lush vegetation)

JERRY: Wow, this is nice. I guess that worked.

RYAN: Yeah, I guess so.

(The sounds of bulls charging start picking up)

LOGAN: Does anyone…

KIRK: Hear that? Yeah.

RYAN: Oh, JESUS!!!!!!

(Bulls charge in, coming closer and closer to Ryan, Logan, Jerry and Kirk before they end up back in the maze)

JERRY: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, YOU SON OF A BITCH???!!

RYAN: DO YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME???!!!

(A shadowy black figure emerges from the darkness, his head draped by a cloak)

SHADOWY FIGURE: (Deep voice) Hello, boys. I am the master of evil, the prince of darkness, the chancellor of wickedness…DANIEL.

RYAN: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, DANIEL?!

DANIEL: …Uh, nothing really, I just wanted to fuck with you guys. You can go.

LOGAN: Oh thank Jesus.

DANIEL: But, I do want to punch Ryan in the face. Once, if you don't mind.

RYAN: I definitely mind.

DANIEL: Well, it doesn't really matter what you think, now does it?

(Daniel runs up to him and punches him in the face, and Logan and Jerry catch Ryan as he falls backwards)

RYAN: GODDAMNIT!

DANIEL: Great. You guys can go now.

(They start leaving. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Kimberly, Ethan and David calculating on calculators and talking around the Donahue kitchen table)

KIMBERLY: We are going to get a shitload of money from this.

DAVID: There is no doubt about it. Ha!

ETHAN: First thing once we win the money, I'm buying a home theatre! Oh!

MAYOR SARANDON: That sounds terrific. And if our eyes hurt when we exit the home theatre after a long movie, we can sue the home theatre maker, the light bulb company and your electricity provider! OH!

ETHAN: (Laughs) Hell yeah, Mr. Mayor.

(Cut to Brennan, Michael and Sarah arriving back at Brennan's house. They walk in the front door)

BRENNAN: Oh my god, that was the best time EVER! I am going to remember that night for the rest of my life because I MET MALLART BOND!

MICHAEL: It was terrific! He has such a white pallor, which is an amazing juxtaposition to his black clothing, and the amazing thing is, he doesn't even wear make-up!

SARAH: That amount of white is natural?

MICHAEL: It is!

(Norman, Brennan's dad walks over)

NORMAN: Brennan Samuel Sanford. What the hell do you have on your wrist?

(Brennan covers it)

BRENNAN: NOTHING!

NORMAN: Let me see that!

(Norman grabs his hand off the scar, and sees a scar that reads "MALLART BOND TO BRENNAN")

BRENNAN: Dad, I can explain!

NORMAN: WHO THE HELL DID THIS TO YOU?!

MICHAEL: Um…

NORMAN: OUT!

(Michael and Sarah leave)

BRENNAN: Mallart Bond, dad, he's a musician we saw in Burlington tonight, and he signed my wrist.

NORMAN: WITH A FUCKING KNIFE?!

BRENNAN: Yeah, it was cool!

NORMAN: GO UPSTAIRS! YOU'RE GROUNDED!

BRENNAN: I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!

(He runs upstairs)

NORMAN: UNDERSTAND??! YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME TO SEE IT!

(Brennan slams his door and Norman turns around, sits down and puts his head in his hands. "I'm Not Sick, But I'm Not Well" by Lit begins playing. It cuts to Ryan in the SPIHC main room, sitting in a corner, drinking cough syrup. It then cuts to Kimberly, Ethan, Mayor Sarandon and David laughing around a table doing cheers with a glasses of alcohol around the table. Then cut to Brennan in his room, examining his Mallart Bond scar, and trying to cover it up with a wrist band. Then cut to Logan in the SPIHC main room twitching, trying to contain his insanity as it lies in remission. All these scenes take up the three minutes and thirty-seven seconds it takes to play the song. Once the song ends, comes the fade out)

THE END





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