"Impossible to rein the intense gripping to break all the ribs
till to make bend bowing down to touch the soul of dominant paws.
Impossible to leave the bushy tunnel to mold it raptured till the
fleshy rampart turns into slithery slumber"
- Pranab K. Chakroborty
(We start a dark figure standing in a parking garage in a trench coat and pork pie hat. New Jersey Senate candidate Steve Lonegan walks over)
STEVE LONEGAN: Excuse me?
DARK FIGURE: Yes?
STEVE LONEGAN: Um, I heard you can help me. I've heard you're a fixer. Or a mover. Or a shaker.
DARK FIGURE: Wrong on all three counts. I, (The dark figure turns around to reveal he is Mayor Sarandon) am Sarandon-berg.
STEVE LONEGAN: …Oh, you're Hansbay Mayor Brian Sarandon.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well…yeah.
MAYOR SARANDON: But my pseudonym is Sarandon-berg.
STEVE: That's a terrible pseudonym, it has your last name in it, so it provides you with no degree of anonymity.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, how about…Ed Stampede?
STEVE: That's an online music reviewer.
MAYOR SARANDON: Goddamnit, just tell me what you want.
STEVE: I heard you're good at this. Winning the elections. You've gotten elected five times, which is improbable for a politician as flawed and out of control as you.
MAYOR SARANDON: It is a certain sort of…magic. It is magic, if you ask me. And I do it well. Steve, you've got yourself a race that, even twenty years ago would've been easy to win. Here we have Cory Booker, some half-black metrosexual Mayor who gets middle of the night pedicures, running for Senate. It should be an open and shut election. But times have changed. People look to Mayor Booker for excitement, youth and agility, and you have to make that seem like a bad thing. You understand?
STEVE: I try!
MAYOR SARANDON: NO!
STEVE: I DO!
(Mayor Sarandon slaps Steve)
MAYOR SARANDON: NOT HARD ENOUGH! OKAY?! You- (Mayor Sarandon leans in and looks up at Steve) have to play dirty, Steve? Can I call you Steve?
STEVE: You just slapped me, you didn't ask me if you could do that!
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine. Mr. Lonegan. What are you willing to do to WIN? Pull off an upset here?
STEVE: I don't know, what am I fighting for?
MAYOR SARANDON: You don't know what you're FIGHTING for?! What
are you, blind?!
STEVE: I am actually legally blind!
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh. Well, you're fighting for nothing short of the masculinity of every man, boy and male child on this Earth. Mayor Booker thinks it's okay for a straight man to act like a woman? Instill FEAR in the hearts of reactionary voters, particularly older New Jersey citizens. It's your only hope. If Mayor Booker becomes Senator Booker, the United States Senate will become some sort of crazy gay dance floor. What was that thing you said about Mayor Booker's pedicures?
STEVE: I said it was "weird" and that "as a guy, I personally like being a guy" and that scotch and cigars are my only indulgences.
MAYOR SARANDON: See? That's good! That'll work!
STEVE: I got shit for that comment, though.
MAYOR SARANDON: What do conservatives do when they get shit for a comment, Steve?
STEVE: We double down.
MAYOR SARANDON: We double down! Why?! Because we're stubborn, proud as fuck people! And hey! Perhaps Mayor Booker's fetish for "mani-pedis" is actually something much more malicious, maybe Manny Pedy is the name of a male prostitute he frequents?
STEVE: …That's genius.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah.
STEVE: Wait, why did we meet in this parking garage?
MAYOR SARANDON: Because- (Mayor Sarandon takes out two Cuban cigars) this is where I get my Cubans.
STEVE: Very nice.
(Mayor Sarandon hands a Cuban cigar to Steve and he lights it, as does Mayor Sarandon. They laugh jauntily, with much jaunt. Cut to Mayor Booker knocking on someone's door in Newark. A man comes to the door and opens it)
MAN: Oh my God, Mayor Booker!
MAYOR BOOKER: Hello, Robert.
ROBERT: it's so nice- (Robert shakes Mayor Booker's hand) to meet you!
MAYOR BOOKER: It's very nice to meet you.
ROBERT: You as well, sir. To what do I owe the pleasure?
MAYOR BOOKER: I heard you lost your keys. You complained about it on Twitter.
ROBERT: Wow, yes, I did! So, you're here, to find them for me?
MAYOR BOOKER: Yes I am.
ROBERT: Thanks so much, come in.
(Mayor Booker walks in and Robert closes the door. Mayor Booker walks into the kitchen and looks into a bowl of junk)
MAYOR BOOKER: Did you look in your pocket?
ROBERT: …Yes. I also looked in that bowl. (Mayor Booker goes into the man's living room and gets down on the floor and searches around) Do you need help, Mr. Mayor?
MAYOR BOOKER: No, I've got it.
(Cut to an above-waist shot of Robert. Mayor Booker's bare foot, with its perfect pedicure, comes into the shot with the man's keys dangling around his big toe)
MAYOR BOOKER: There you go.
(Robert is perplexed)
MAYOR BOOKER: That's a nice fucking pedicure, isn't it?
ROBERT: Is that the only reason you did this?
(Cut to Mayor Booker walking out of Robert's house as the man stands at the door clutching his wife and young child and staring at Mayor Booker, all of them with grave concern on their faces)
MAYOR BOOKER: Thanks so much, folks! WOO! You're crazy for this one, Cory!
(Mayor Booker is accosted by the press)
JOURNALIST: Mayor Booker, how do you feel about your chances on Wednesday?
MAYOR BOOKER: I am cautiously optimistic, but people have to get out there and vote to make sure the people of New Jersey's best interests are served.
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Now hold on a minute!
(Journalists gasp and look over to see Steve Lonegan standing there with his staff and security detail)
STEVE LONEGAN: Let's talk about this!
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sitting in an unfurnished apartment at a fold-out table. Ethan is looking at his phone)
ETHAN: It looks like Republicans have surrendered.
KIMBERLY: That is such a terrible way to think of it.
ETHAN: They're caving to the President.
KIMBERLY: It's not caving, it's just realizing that they can't win and so they have to quit and be reasonable.
ETHAN: They're waving the white flag of re-opening the government and paying our bills, Kimmy! Now Obama has a blank check to spend money whenever he wants!
KIMBERLY: That's not how the debt ceiling works, but I feel like you already know that.
ETHAN: What's wrong with the Democrats anyway? We kept compromising! We wanted to repeal ObamaCare, then we wanted to defund ObamaCare, then we wanted to delay ObamaCare for a year, then we wanted to deny ObamaCare to the President himself, then we wanted to deny ObamaCare to his dog, then we just wanted his dog, then we wanted to approve the Keystone pipeline, then we wanted to reduce environmental regulations, then we wanted to make them make Healthcare.gov entirely braille, then we wanted Obama say he's a girl repeatedly in a televised address, then we wanted to put income verification provisions in ObamaCare-
KIMBERLY: Well, you got that! That was in the bill they passed
ETHAN: Right, but that was already in ObamaCare!
KIMBERLY: Well, there you go. Suicide by cop just like Ryan predicted. The TEA party is unpopular as ever now, Republican approval ratings are in the shitter and John Boehner looks more and more like a broken man. I'm beginning to think the "suicide caucus" that CNN says pushed us to the shutdown may actually be named that literally.
ETHAN: Did you see that House stenographer who made a rant on the floor last night in the middle of a vote?
KIMBERLY: Yeah, she said something about the freemasons, a House divided and how God will not be mocked right?
KIMBERLY: Was that in response to the "God can suck it" provision of the bill?
ETHAN: Oh come on, she was taken in for a mental evaluation! The minute she brings up our Lord and Savior she's taken in for a mental evaluation by these people? I think it should be the other way around.
KIMBERLY: Like, God should be taken in for a mental evaluation?
ETHAN: No, the-liberals, I don't know! But just imagine, she's the stenographer, she has to type down bullshit all day, I'm surprised it took her this long to snap.
KIMBERLY: Which of our lawyers did you call by the way? Micah Schultz or Beauregard?
ETHAN: Well, I was looking for a new one with more skill now that we have all this money. Not like that one time in 1999 when we had money problems and had to dig at the bottom of the barrel to find a lawyer. (Cut to 1999. 33-year old Ethan is walking through a convenience store and towards the bathroom area, when he sees a room marked "lounge". He goes into it and sees a bunch of bikers hanging around and couches with tears all over them) Why does this, exist?
(A man in a cheap suit walks into the room with his hand extended)
MAN: Truck stop lawyer! (He pivots his hand back and forth between people as no on shakes it) Who am I meeting?
(Cut back to Ethan and Kimberly)
KIMBERLY: I remember that guy! He got us out of that emotional
distress suit and you refused to shake his hand!
ETHAN: He was a truck stop lawyer, you can't blame me for that! (Someone knocks at the door) I'll get it.
(Ethan gets up and opens the door to see Micah Schultz and Sue Farenthold)
MICAH: Mr. Donahue!
(They shake hands as Kimberly goes over and hugs Sue. The handshakes and hugs end)
KIMBERLY: it's so nice to see you, come inside.
(They come inside as Ethan closes the door)
MICAH: This is a shabby apartment for someone who was just on the receiving end of over half a million dollars.
ETHAN: It's just temporary while we try to get our house back.
SUE: Well, I think we have options.
(Ryan comes in)
MICAH: And if it isn't the only remaining crow in the nest?
RYAN: Yep. I'll finally get all the attention I never wanted.
ETHAN: Oh, bullshit, you love every bit of it. But yeah, Madeline's a sophomore in college, Jacob went straight from the big house to a more expensive one.
(All four of them laugh)
RYAN: He went to a community college, it might as well be prison.
ETHAN: Okay, Ryan, that's plenty.
RYAN: Wait, what about Rob? Isn't he still going to be living with us?
KIMBERLY: Yes, but he spends so much time at Jamie's it'll be like he's not even there.
ETHAN: In fact, I haven't seen him in in two weeks, I should probably file a "missing persons" report. So anyway, we're wondering what our options are.
SUE: Let's sit down and find out.
(They all sit down)
RYAN: I'm going to hang out with Sarah so she can criticize me for a few hours. Bye.
ETHAN: Bye, son.
(Ryan leaves the apartment)
ETHAN: What's the legal recourse?
MICAH: Well, you can say that the house was sold under false pre-tenses and indeed acquired under the same. However, it gets fuzzy because we may not be able to prove that Ms. Taylor knew that the copper reserves were back there, the survey was never completed in your backyard. And honestly-
ETHAN: I didn't ask for your honesty.
MICAH: It was pretty foolish to sign that contract.
ETHAN: I understand that.
SUE: You don't need to have gone to law school to understand how foolish that was, I just, happened to have gone to law school-
ETHAN: Yeah, Sue, you're terrific. Listen, I don't need a scolding! I need a next step!
MICAH: I wouldn't file a law suit until we can prove she coerced somebody, or, or, interfered with the survey, perhaps conducted one herself, and the possibility remains that this is just a case of unfortunate timing.
ETHAN: Well. That's where Jacob comes in.
(Cut to Jacob in an apartment in Winooski on the phone)
JACOB: Are you kidding me? I just got to college and out of prison and now you guys are trying to pull me back in?
ETHAN: (On the phone) Jacob, we are trying to get our house back! Wouldn't you say that's important?
JACOB: Of course, but I have Rahmen noodles in the microwave, which I have turned into a bong, by the way, and also, I could study tonight, but NAAAAAH!
ETHAN: JACOB! You are trying WAY too hard to live the archetypical college experience, we bought you a goddamn apartment and we pay for your meals, you don't have to eat Rahmen and you can use an oven!
ETHAN: Jacob, we just need you to tell my lawyers what you know about Rhonda Taylor and her intentions. Her seduction of you, even.
JACOB: How about Skype?
ETHAN: Jacob, you live twenty minutes away.
JACOB: And that's time I could spend watching Breaking Bad!
ETHAN: Please don't make "nah" a thing you start doing now!
JACOB: Skype me whenever you need me.
(Jacob hangs up. Cut to Jacob in a college class that a professor at the Community College of Vermont in Winooski, Vermont is teaching. The class is World History I. He is lecturing. "Prof. Flynn" is his name, as written on the board)
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Many of our phrases came from Europe in the middle ages. For instance, the term "stone cold", which originated in the Middle Ages because their floors were stone and if you spilled food onto them, the food would become cold.
STUDENT: It seems like the term "stone cold" is pretty self-explanatory. Stones are generally cold.
PROFESSOR FLYNN: No, okay? Every term has its etymology! You know where the term "fire hot" came from?
STUDENT: I couldn't imagine.
PROFESSOR FLYNN: When people in the Middle Ages set each other on fire, they became hot! Exactly right.
STUDENT: Oh, of course.
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Sorry, you in the blue shirt? (Jacob perks up) I don't recognize you.
JACOB: Oh, I'm Jacob, I'm a new student.
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Oh, okay. Well, go ahead and stand up Jacob, tell us your name, hobbies, something interesting about you and what you want to get out of this class.
STUDENT: Wait, you didn't make anybody do this at the beginning of the year.
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Well, I am for him. How's that for fair?
STUDENT: It isn't!
JACOB: I'd rather not-
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Stand!
JACOB: …Okay. (Jacob stands up) I'm Jacob Donahue. I like to…play video games, I guess. Something interesting about me, I was in prison for seven weeks just before I came here. (Some of the students gasp and talk amongst themselves) And I hope to get…history from this class. Thank you.
(Jacob sits down and a few people clap briefly)
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Thanks, Jake.
JACOB: I prefer Jacob.
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Not in here, you don't. Anyway, the Middle Ages were a time of great sorrow and-
(Jacob drifts into a flashback of him in a prison shower on September 2, 2013. Some big Hispanic guy is whipping his ass with a towel)
HISPANIC: Motherfucker, this is like reverse slavery, mang!
JACOB: When did white people enslave Hispanics?!
HISPANIC: Ever heard of Texas?!
JACOB: Oh yeah. (He whips him) AHH!
HISPANIC: YOU PUSSY! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!
JACOB: I AM A MAN!
HISPANIC: FINE! TAKE IT LIKE A MANG!
(He whips him again)
JACOB: OWW! HOW'S THIS MANG?!
(Jacob punches the Hispanic in the face and he slips onto the ground and busts his head. Flash forward to now)
PROFESSOR FLYNN: Saint Thomas A' Becket was assassinated in 1170 by either a group of Knights trying to impress the king OR the CIA-
(Jacob stands up)
JACOB: CALL ME JACOB!
(Professor Flynn stares at Jacob)
PROFESSOR FLYNN: …Okay. Sorry.
(Jacob blinks and sits down as everybody stares at him. Cut to Jacob walking through the hallways of the community college. He walks by a poster advertising "CCV Wrestling Club- Self Defense classes if you happen to wear a leotard all the time". Jacob backs up and reads the ad. It says the club meets "every Thursday at 5pm in the western building". Jacob nods his head and takes a picture of the poster and then walks on down the hallway. Cut to Jacob in his apartment Skyping with Ethan, Kimberly, Micah and Sue)
JACOB: Listen, she tracked me down at prison and told me she was in love with me and she tried to extract information out of me, but gave up and left. That's all I know.
SUE: Jacob, how did you know to warn your father?
JACOB: She said she was going to get my father's permission to pick me up from prison. But her question asking about precious resources in our backyard was concerning enough to have a guard send you a letter. I couldn't call because I had already exhausted my phone call for that day, and the next day I couldn't call because I was put in the hole for tattooing the moron prison guard who got the name of the woman wrong.
ETHAN: But in some sort of crazy miracle, it worked out because Norman Mailer was the name of the person who supposedly owned my house. Wait, can't we work from that angle? Norman Mailer didn't really own my house, did he?
MICAH: I did some research on this, and there are records that indicate Norman Mailer lived in your house briefly in the late sixties, we're talking, six months.
ETHAN: Jesus, just my luck.
KIMBERLY: Why would anyone be interested in a house Norman Mailer lived in for half a year?
SUE: To be honest, it was more like a winter home for him. Back before your neighborhood really developed.
JACOB: Can I go now?
JACOB: Oh, one more thing, is there like a Pharmacy around here?
(Ethan has his head in his hands and then looks up)
ETHAN: Of course there is!
JACOB: It's just that, I don't know where one is and I'm scared!
(Ethan ends the Skype call. Cut to Steve Lonegan speaking to the press outside the house Cory Booker was just in. Cory Booker looks on)
STEVE: I don't mean to sound the alarm bells, but this man is teaching our children that being ambiguous is OKAY. Not only okay, but better than being manly. For instance, look at some of the kids- (Steve Lonegan takes out pictures of emo and scene kids under studio lights with white sheet backgrounds) affected by sexual ambiguity. They are not happy, look at them! I invited these kids into my basement to be photographed to show how unhappy they are.
REPORTER: Why did they agree to that?
STEVE: I paid them. I also paid them extra to not smile.
MAYOR BOOKER: Listen, this man is desperate! And he's using the politics of division to try to scare the electorate, but the fact is, it's 2013. And it's high time we move beyond homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, metrophobia and arachnophobia, but that's a, different issue.
(Mayor Sarandon walks over)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hello there. I am Brian Sarandon. I am the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont. And I unequivocally endorse Steve Lonegan for the United States Senate.
MAYOR BOOKER: Hello, Brian.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hello, Booker.
MAYOR BOOKER: You look well. Last time I saw you was, wow, June 2012. It's been a while.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, you also probably saw me at the 2012 DNC, but we won't get into that.
MAYOR BOOKER: What?
MAYOR SARANDON: The point is, Lonegan 2013! Goodbye!
(Mayor Sarandon leaves. Cut to Mayor Sarandon on the phone in a hotel room. Cut to Ryan talking to Sarah in her room)
RYAN: The metal look?
SARAH: Yeah, the metal look, it's a new thing.
RYAN: No it's not, you're either emo, scene, punk or normal, there is no "metal" look.
SARAH: What do you call kids in skinny jeans and tank tops?
SARAH: Come on, it's sexy!
RYAN: Oh, because they're wearing a tank top because it's hot and a beanie because it's also cold?
SARAH: It's a weather anomaly! It happens!
(Ryan gets a cell phone call. His ringtone is "Suffering in Solace" by Devil's Niece. He picks up)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hello, Ryan.
RYAN: Who is this?
MAYOR SARANDON: It's Brian.
RYAN: …Brian who?
MAYOR SARANDON: Come on man, you've known me all your life.
RYAN: Brian, the guy who dealt me fake ecstasy?
MAYOR SARANDON: Pardon?
RYAN: WHICH I GLADLY ACCEPTED.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ryan, it's Mayor Sarandon!
RYAN: Jesus, hi, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hi. I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
RYAN: Sure. What is it?
MAYOR SARANDON: You already said sure!
RYAN: I meant like, what is the favor?
MAYOR SARANDON: I need you to speak out against the dangers of metrosexuality so that my good friend Steve Lonegan can defeat Cory Booker in the New Jersey Senate Race on Wednesday.
RYAN: Absolutely not.
MAYOR SARANDON: Even if I made it worth your while?
RYAN: I cannot sell out my beliefs that easily, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: Not even for your Uncle Brian?
RYAN: You're not my uncle and I am not selling out my identity! I'm in the Young Democrats of America for God's sake!
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, do you know any other emos that will sell out?
RYAN: I know emos that will put out and I know emos that will sell out. And there's a fair amount of overlap.
MAYOR SARANDON: Who are they?
RYAN: Delaware Payne, Oleander Doom and recent devotee Cynthia Fleischmann. And remember, we will keep this our little secret.
MAYOR SARANDON: Absolutely, it's our little secret.
(Ryan hangs up)
SARAH: "Our little secret"? What did he, molest you?
RYAN: No, he just wants some emos that will sell out the subculture to demonize it on TV to make Cory Booker lose on Wednesday. Booker's winning either way, so I'm just humoring him.
SARAH: Okay. But just don't sell out the metal style.
RYAN: There is NO METAL-okay, I'm just, I'm pissed now!
SARAH: You're pissed?
SARAH: This is pissing you off?
RYAN: Exactly right!
(Cut to a dark room. An overhead light illuminates Delaware Payne sitting in a chair. He seems confused. Another light illuminates Oleander Doom sitting in a chair. He too, seems confused. Then, another light illuminates Cynthia Fleischmann sitting in a chair. Again, confused. Then some lights illuminate Mayor Sarandon and Steve Lonegan standing in front of them)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hello, hello.
DELAWARE: You'll never get away with this, Sarandon!
MAYOR SARANDON: What are you talking about? You guys agreed to come here.
OLEANDER: Then why did you do the whole dramatic light thing?
STEVE: That was my idea. I thought it'd be, kind of nifty.
MAYOR SARANDON: It ended up, however, putting us way over budget. All we need you three to do is tell nice little- (He holds up a video camera) Mister Camera here, that being sexually ambiguous ruined your life.
DELAWARE: Hold on, I'm straight.
STEVE: Correct! But, you wear skinny jeans and have long hair like a girl, I'm told.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, so, sexually ambiguous in my book. And my book is the bible. Ever heard of it?
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh. Then I wrote it.
OLEANDER: She's heard of The Bible.
CYNTHIA: I seriously haven't.
OLEANDER: How am I sexually ambiguous though? I wear looser jeans and have adopted more of a semi-gothic metal style.
(Ryan walks in)
RYAN: METAL IS NOT A STYLE!
DELAWARE: What the hell is he doing here?!
(Ryan walks over)
RYAN: You guys are doing Mayor Sarandon a favor. And in exchange, Mayor Sarandon is booking Depraved Hallway Fern shows for us.
MAYOR SARANDON: What? I am?
RYAN: Yeah, I figured I might as well get something out of this. Otherwise I'll pull them out at any moment!
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, fine, fine!
STEVE: Remember, act sexually ambiguous.
CYNTHIA: How am I though?
RYAN: That's true, she's a girl emo, and a pretty girly emo at that.
(Steve takes out a pair of black arm warmers)
STEVE: Here, this is like Insta-Dyke. Put these on.
(Cynthia takes them and puts them on)
CYNTHIA: Yeah, I think I like girls now.
MAYOR SARANDON: Great, let's do this!
(Steve sets up the camera)
RYAN: Why did you have those, Mr. Lonegan?
(Cut to George Wyant and Tim Saylor of Discovery's "Diggers" holding up a rusty sign that says "Diggers" in their living room)
GEORGE: Why are we doing this?
TIM: We do this all the time in our intro, we should reflect those values in our regular lives as well. (There is a knock at the door. They both drop the sign and walk over to the door. George puts his hand on the door knob, but Tim grabs his hand) Hey! We are friends, we do things together.
GEORGE: You're right.
(They open the door with their hands over one another's to see Rhonda Taylor)
TIM: Mrs. Donahue!
GEORGE: So nice to see you.
RHONDA: I'm not Mrs. Donahue, you fucking twerps.
(Rhonda enters and slam the door)
TIM: We should've slammed that door together.
RHONDA: SHUT UP! Listen, some lawyers are going to come over pretty soon and start asking questions. And if either of you peep that I posed as Ethan's wife to gain your confidence, then your show is over.
GEORGE: No, not our show! It's the only thing we have.
RHONDA: With my power, Discovery will drop it like a ton of bricks.
TIM: But we find tons of bricks in our show and they're worth so little but so much to ME!
RHONDA: Your show is bad, okay?
GEORGE: Ma'am, you don't understand, we can't go back to being sex slaves! We just can't!
TIM: Discovery treats us real good, they tell us we're pretty, and that we-
GEORGE: Are worth something!
RHONDA: Then DON'T TELL THE LAWYERS A THING. Understand?!
TIM: Yes ma'am.
GEORGE: Absolutely, ma'am.
RHONDA: Good. I was never here. (Rhonda holds up her hook and points to her mouth) You have something right there. (Tim leans in for a kiss and Rhonda backs away) What the fuck!?
TIM: You told me I had something right there, I thought you were leading me on!
RHONDA: No, you fucking lunatic, I meant you have barbecue sauce by your lip.
TIM: Oh. (Tim wipes the wrong side of his lip) Thanks.
RHONDA: Wrong side.
TIM: Thanks so much.
RHONDA: You got the wrong si-oh my God, nevermind.
TIM: Thank you.
(He tries to lean in for a kiss, but Rhonda pushes him and leaves. Cut to Micah and Ethan walking up to Tim and George's house)
ETHAN: Who's good cop and who's bad?
MICAH: We're not doing that.
(Micah knocks on the door. George answers it)
GEORGE: Why hello there, lawyers one and lawyers two!
MICAH: I'm a lawyer, Michael Schultz-damnit, Micah Schultz, Jesus, I suck at this lawyer thing, and this is my client, Ethan Donahue. We'd like to ask you a few questions.
GEORGE: Go ahead.
ETHAN: First off, why did you not survey my property?
GEORGE: I decided not to.
MICAH: Was your decision influenced by anybody or anything?
GEORGE: I guess it was just, an impulse or something.
(Tim walks over)
TIM: Oh, it's the attorneys.
MICAH: Did you guys expect us?
GEORGE AND TIM: NO.
ETHAN: Have you guys been intimidated by anybody?
ETHAN: Hey. This is a safe place. Just show us on the doll- (Ethan holds up an Alien Doll from Toy Story) where she intimidated you.
TIM: No one intimidated us, sirs. Now, I would respectfully ask you to leave.
(Tim shuts the door, leaving Ethan and Micah disappointed. Cut to Ethan, Micah, Sue and Kimberly in Ethan's apartment)
ETHAN: Ugh…this is not getting off to a great start.
SUE: We tried to speak to witnesses, members of Hansbay City government and even some pirates, but we got nothing out of them.
KIMBERLY: We really wanted to know how she got that hook.
ETHAN: Wait. Wait! You guys spoke to members of Hansbay City Government?!
ETHAN: Well, we forgot the most important one of all!
(Cut to Ethan, Sue, Micah and Kimberly in Mayor Sarandon's office. He is sitting there, looking at them)
MAYOR SARANDON: Eminent domain?
ETHAN: It's where-
MAYOR SARANDON: I know what eminent domain is.
ETHAN: Okay, sorry.
MAYOR SARANDON: But please continue, I like the sound of your voice.
ETHAN: …Alright, eminent domain is the power to take private property for public use for the common good, civic reasons or in certain cases, economic development. And guess what? Copper is perfect for economic development, wouldn't you say?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes. But eminent domain is a controversial-sounding practice.
ETHAN: Yes, but it's in everyone's best interest. Especially MY best interest. The only one that matters.
MAYOR SARANDON: It's your house, Ethan, you don't think people are going to see right through that?
KIMBERLY: It's not our house anymore. It's Rhonda's house. And people hate Rhonda, for Christ's sake, she screws people over in this area, she has no interest in selling your home, she just wants to lock you into an illegal contract. She has like, a 1% success rate in matching a seller and a buyer and tries to get her clients to sell well below the value of their home. She's such a villain she has a hook for a hand for Christ's sake, the people will be on our side!
MAYOR SARANDON: Then what are we saying we're taking the land for? Economic development could prove problematic because then it's like we're just, stealing her copper and her money and that's a good case for a lawsuit, a conflict of interest suit, actually.
MICAH: Well, we can't condemn the property unless you want your house torn down.
ETHAN: Right, that's why we should just take it by BRUTE FORCE. Bulldozers and all.
MAYOR SARANDON: So, tear it down?
ETHAN: No, just have the bulldozers for intimidation purposes. And wear a hard-hat. And I'll have a hard-ON when I see the look on her smug little face.
KIMBERLY: It'll be a hard-won hard-on.
(Ethan and Kimberly start making out as the rest of them stare. Cut to Jacob walking into a room full of muscular college kids while rock plays in the background. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights one up and inhales and exhales as some college kid in a wrestling leotard walks over)
COLLEGE KID: Hey brother, are you new to this?
JACOB: Yeah, I'm a freshman in college.
COLLEGE KID: Oh my God, FRESHMAAAAAAN!
(They all start chanting "freshman" over and over again as Jacob looks around)
JACOB: Yeah, I'm a…freshman. (A group of students pick him up) What the hell!? (Jacob puts his cigarette in his mouth as they crowd surf him to a circle in the middle of the room, where they drop him in the middle of the circle, where, in a daze, he looks around and takes out his cigarette) What's going on, man?
(A muscular kid comes out of the crowd wearing a leotard)
MUSCULAR KID: You'll see, freshy. You'll learn to not mock the sanctity of CCV with your newness.
JACOB: This is a goddamn community college, do you really take shit this seriously?!
MUSCULAR KID: We didn't take anything seriously until we got here, that's why we're here to begin with.
JACOB: That's true.
MUSCULAR KID: FIGHT! (The muscular kid takes Jacob down and the two are wrestling on the floor. The kid has Jacob pinned, but Jacob puts his arm around his neck and brings the kid to his chest and then flips the kid around, but that kid puts his legs around Jacob's and flips Jacob around and then they wrestle for a minute or so more, when eventually, the kid gets the upper hand and pins Jacob for more than ten seconds and the referee calls the fight for the kid and the kid stands up victorious as the crowd cheers and Jacob stands up, exhausted) JASON LANGEVIN WINS AGAIN!
JACOB: Where did my cigarette go?!
JASON: While you weren't looking, I burnt it on your tongue! (Jacob unrolls his tongue to reveal ash as the crowd goes "ooooh") How's THAT for possible?!
(Jacob spits and rolls his tongue back in)
JACOB: I don't think it is!
JASON: Face it kid, you've been embarrassed! And now I get the slippery poontang.
(Jason walks into the crowd as girls surround him. Cut to Jacob sitting in the corner of the room, smoking a cigarette and looking pissed off. A blonde girl goes over and sits next to him)
BLONDE GIRL: Hey, are you alright?
JACOB: I'm fine. I can handle anything. I was in prison.
BLONDE GIRL: Really?
JACOB: Yeah. Don't ask me for how long, though.
BLONDE GIRL: How long?
JACOB: Seven weeks.
BLONDE GIRL: Really? Wouldn't they have just put you in county jail or something-?
JACOB: Those were full, just, what do you want?
BLONDE GIRL: Nothing. I just wanted to tell you it's alright. You did well out there.
JACOB: Thanks…are you a freshman or something?
BLONDE GIRL: Yeah, just like you.
JACOB: Where are you from?
BLONDE GIRL: Williston, it's about fifteen minutes from here.
JACOB: Oh. I'm from Hansbay, it's about the same amount twenty minutes away. What's your name?
BLONDE GIRL: Renee.
JACOB: Nice to meet you, Renee. What are you studying for?
RENEE: The Humanities.
JACOB: Oh, the humanities.
RENEE: That was clever.
JACOB: What was clever?
RENEE: Oh. Uh, nevermind. Anyway, I'm into art mostly. I made this. (She holds up a sketch of a cross, an apple and an angel and the phrase "GOD IS BIG ENOUGH") See?
JACOB: That's nice. What do you mean by "God is big enough"? Who's saying He should get bigger?
RENEE: No, it's not saying "God is big enough", it's saying "God is big enough".
JACOB: I'm not following.
RENEE: It's saying He's big enough to solve your problems and there's no problem He cannot solve. He can guide us through difficult times.
JACOB: Then why didn't he take a swing for me?
RENEE: God works in mysterious ways. And even he doesn't violate the rules of wrestling.
JACOB: Did you hear about the guy who got his nose attached to his forehead? That's not natural, how does God feel about that you think?
RENEE: God gave us the pieces to the human body, but he did not tell us what to do with them, as long as they don't go into any holes before marriage.
JACOB: Right. So, God sees the human body and says "go crazy" except when it comes to sex.
RENEE: Right. You can put your nose anywhere. Although he assumes you wouldn't want it near your ass.
JACOB: Did not see that coming. He did say "go crazy" though, so…
RENEE: That's going to be my next drawing. "God says go crazy".
(Jacob and Renee laugh and Jacob coughs for a bit)
RENEE: You shouldn't smoke.
JACOB: I was thinking about switching to e-cigarettes but I wouldn't look like a cool desert ungulate if I did that.
RENEE: Right. Man, I can't wait for next weekend to visit my friend in Maine.
JACOB: That was random.
RENEE: I know, I just, I'm excited.
JACOB: Why is he up in Maine?
RENEE: He moved when I was in tenth grade, the same year my other friend died in a car accident.
JACOB: Jesus. Sorry to hear that.
RENEE: I'm going to get a tattoo on my back as a memorial to him.
JACOB: That's cool…I was thinking about getting a…skull with a sword through it…
(Cut to Mayor Booker in his living room watching TV. He sees Delaware on there)
DELAWARE: When I see Mayor Booker promoting sexual ambiguity, I see myself suffering through not acting like a man should. An intruder attacked my girlfriend, but I was too busy waiting for a real man to tackle him because it was not "lady-like" for me to do it.
(Delaware starts fake crying as it cuts to Cynthia)
CYNTHIA: I used to use these arm warmers to cover up oven burns because I was baking all the time, but now, I use them to act like someone I'm not. A gender I am not. It…kills me.
(She sheds a single tear and it travels down her cheek and up the other side of her face, across her brow and then down her cheek again. Cut to Oleander, who is wearing a tutu)
OLEANDER: This is…this is uncomfortable for me.
(Cut to Delaware crying profusely)
DELAWARE: HE MANICURES HIMSELF!
(Cut to Robert, the dude from earlier who Mayor Booker spoke to)
ROBERT: He handed me my keys with his feet! They were all pedicured and stuff! I mean, I mean, who does that?!
(Cut to Steve Lonegan sitting in a studio)
STEVE: Do you want this for your kids, New Jersey? Put your foot in the face of Mayor Booker. Vote Steve Lonegan for Untied States Senate. Sorry, that says United States Senate. God, I suck at this politician thing.
(Cut to a screen reading "Paid for by Brian Sarandon productions, Copyright 2013")
VOICEOVER: Paid for by Brian Sarandon productions.
(An advisor walks up behind Cory Booker as he watches)
ADVISOR: Sir, Steve Lonegan can't legally collaborate with a private entity to ask people to vote for him, that's not legal!
MAYOR BOOKER: Eh. Whatever.
(Mayor Booker lifts up his foot and starts blowing on his toes. Cut to Mayor Sarandon speaking to Steve Lonegan on the phone)
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry you lost, Steve. No, I don't think it was anything you did. The people just can't resist Mayor Booker's superhero attitude. Senator-elect Booker is a fad, like metrosexuality was. Alright. Bye. (Mayor Sarandon hangs up and the camera pans over to reveal Ryan is standing there wearing the Pork Pie hat from earlier) What is it, Ryan?
RYAN: I stole your hat.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I got that.
RYAN: Listen. You promised me payment for giving you those emos. I expect it now.
MAYOR SARANDON: You want me to pay for your bands?
MAYOR SARANDON: Did Steve Lonegan win?
RYAN: Of course not, but he wasn't going to win anyway. But that wasn't a condition of our agreement.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine. Here's a thousand bucks. (Mayor Sarandon takes out an envelope labeled "a thousand bucks" and puts it on the desk) Right there.
RYAN: Why was that in your jacket?
MAYOR SARANDON: Just take it.
RYAN: Brian, I have money to book shows, my parents just got 700,000 dollars.
MAYOR SARANDON: Then what do you need me for?
RYAN: I need a rally permit for a concert at Lake Champlain.
MAYOR SARANDON: You don't have the fan base for that.
RYAN: But I have the cash. And the fan base will come once they hear about a Metal Woodstock, and I don't mean like, pussy Woodstock 1969, I mean like, Woodstock '99 with rioting and not enough bathrooms. And it's not going to be Warped Tour commercialism or South By So What diversity, it's going to be a mélange of all my favorite bands and of course, MY band. With my parents' newfound wealth, I will build a metal empire.
MAYOR SARANDON: You think they're willing to pay for that?
RYAN: Yes. Especially once sink their teeth into the copper fortune in Rhonda's backyard.
MAYOR SARANDON: About that…
(Cut to Rhonda in the Donahue kitchen with some shirtless, long-haired pretty boy. They are drinking wine)
RHONDA: We finally did it, Troy.
TROY: We finally did.
(Rhonda and Troy clink glasses)
RHONDA: Man, I'm already a little tipsy from that first drink.
TROY: Yeah, I thought you might be.
RHONDA: I feel like singing…
TROY: Please do it, babe.
RHONDA: (Singing way out of tune) TONIIIIGHTT! WE ARE YOUNNNGGG! SO LET'S SET THE WORLD ON FIIIIIRE! WE'LL GROW HIGGHEERRRR THAN THE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
TROY: That's so good, you should do a cover.
RHONDA: You think so?
(Someone knocks on the wall)
OFFSCREEN VOICE: (Muffled) Please don't!
RHONDA: Where did that come from?!
TROY: It was probably the neighbors.
RHONDA: This isn't an apartment, so they just, knocked on our house?! Why were they listening to us?!
(Rhonda puts down her drink and goes into the backyard to see repo people)
REPO: Hi there.
RHONDA: What the hell is going on?!
REPO: First of all, hi.
RHONDA: Shut up, what are you doing?!
REPO: The city is repossessing this property under Eminent Domain laws, ma'am. (He puts his hard hat on) Got my hard hat.
RHONDA: YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I WILL FIGHT THIS TOOTH TO NAIL!
REPO: Sorry, ma'am. But there are bulldozers out front.
(Rhonda runs to the front of the house with Troy to see bulldozers and other repo men)
REPO MAN: We got fuckin' bull dozers!
(Cut to Jacob walking down a hallway at the Community College of Vermont. He sees a poster that says "FRIDGE FOR SALE" and then below it, it says "picture of the fridge's owner" and shows a picture of some girl smiling and holding her thumbs up)
JACOB: Um, where's the picture of the fridge?
OFFSCREEN VOICE: That was really cool, girl.
(Jacob looks over to see some dude talking to Renee by a wall. She looks uncomfortable)
RENEE: Thanks. I think the kids enjoyed the Biblical coloring book. Although, they mostly just used browns and grays…
DUDE: Yeah, well, maybe you could be my teacher. I could, (chuckles) color that cherry red.
RENEE: Oh my God.
DUDE: It was a joke, calm down, what are you, on your period?
(Jacob walks over)
JACOB: HEY! Leave her alone, man!
DUDE: Dude, calm down, what are you, on your period?
JACOB: I think Renee's period comes around every time you're being a creepy douchebag, so yeah, I think we both are.
DUDE: Who the fuck are you, man?!
JACOB: A guy who spent the last seven weeks in prison and can't stand assholes like you.
DUDE: …Okay, man. Just-cool it!
(The dude shrugs his shoulders and starts to walk away, but then turns around and lunges at Jacob, and Jacob impulsively kicks the dude in the dick and he gets on his knees and holds his dick)
DUDE: DUDE! FUCK! MY DICK! YOU KICKED ME IN THE DICK!
JACOB: Shit, shit, how do I cover this up!?
RENEE: How do you cover up the fact that you kicked someone in the dick?!
JACOB: YEAH! I'M OPEN TO IDEAS!
(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Micah and Sue meeting with Conan, the Treasurer of Hansbay)
CONAN: The good news?
CONAN: We have successfully eminent domained Ms. Taylor's property.
MICAH: And what about legal challenges?
CONAN: They're pending, but everybody hates her, so draw your own conclusions. (Kimberly holds up a crude drawing of a stick figure with a hook for a hand being thrown off a cliff) Anyway, the bad news is we've decided to not sell the property back to you.
ETHAN: Excuse me?
CONAN: Yes, we feel like its left us far too open to conflict of interest lawsuits.
KIMBERLY: That sort of makes sense, actually.
ETHAN: Are you high?
KIMBERLY: Ethan, no, I'm not high, I'm just, reasonable. This is a conflict of interest after all. We need to make this look good.
ETHAN: The whole point is to profit from the copper!
KIMBERLY: Well, it's not going to happen, Ethan! But we still have 700,000 dollars!
ETHAN: That's true.
CONAN: Actually, she's suing to get her money back.
(Ethan puts his head on the table as Kimberly pinches her face. Cut to black)