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The Donahues Episode 13

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor


Madeline helps Britney and Adam as they examine all options regarding Britney’s pregnancy, Dirk acts rudely towards Michelle and Ryan attempts to defend her honor and Jacob becomes obsessed with a violent video game


Submitted:Jun 8, 2012    Reads: 6    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"SPIDER"

TV-MA DLV

"It's not disgusting, it's just reality, so take a deep breath, and appreciate life"

  • Garret Davis

(We start with Madeline at lunch with Elisa, Britney, Jacob, Ross, Peter, Beckett and Lilly)

ELISA: So, while the old bastard was sleeping, basically at heaven's doorstep, I used invisible ink to finagle my way into the will. Now, I gots me a house, security for the rest of my life.

ROSS: Wow, that's, really manipulative.

ELISA: I don't give a shit; my grandfather was a commy bastard who helped make Castro a dictator in Cuba.

JACOB: Wait, so where's his house?

ELISA: Uh, Cuba.

MADELINE: Wow.

ELISA: Yeah, that's the only bugaboo; my new house is in Cuba.

BECKETT: Was that worth it?

ELISA: I'm beginning to have serious doubts about whether it was, to be honest.

LILLY: Yeah…

(Britney enters stage right and nudges Madeline)

BRITNEY: Madeline, can I talk to you?

MADELINE: Sure. Have a seat.

BRITNEY: No, can I talk to you in private?

MADELINE: Uh, sure. Excuse me. (Madeline gets up and follows Britney to the lockers, where nobody is)What's going on?

BRITNEY: Madeline…I'm, uh…

MADELINE: What? You're scaring me.

BRITNEY: I'm…pregnant.

(Madeline's eyes widen)

MADELINE: What? Are you serious?

BRITNEY: No. I am.

MADELINE: Jesus. What happened? Who was it?

BRITNEY: It doesn't matter who it was, it just matters what I do. I am so unbelievably scared right now.

MADELINE: Have you told your parents yet?

BRITNEY: Jesus, no, of course not, they would kill me.

MADELINE: Listen, it's important to know who did this to you, because he might have to be a father.

BRITNEY: …Fine. (Gulps) …Adam. Adam did this to me.

MADELINE: Oh, wow…at Ryan's housewarming party?

BRITNEY: I think so.

MADELINE: When was that?

BRITNEY: Early May. I was late this month, so I took the test because I feared the result, and the result was exactly what I feared.

MADELINE: Oh, baby. I am so sorry. What are you going to do?

BRITNEY: I don't know, but, I'm not ready to have a baby. Nowhere near ready for that. I'd have to give up everything, and even then I couldn't do it very well.

MADELINE: So, what are you thinking?

BRITNEY: I don't know. I mean…I don't have to keep it.

MADELINE: …Right. Wouldn't you have to tell your parents though?

BRITNEY: No. Vermont state law allows for abortions without parental consent.

MADELINE: Oh…listen, I don't think you should have an abortion. You're going to live with guilt for the rest of your life if you do that.

BRITNEY: But if I don't, I'll live with a child for the rest of my life who is raised by an inexperienced teenager who is scared shitless.

MADELINE: Yeah…that's…that's also true. But you could put it up for adoption!

BRITNEY: But before then, Madeline? I won't be able to show my face in public again. School's over in a couple of weeks, by August I'd be three months pregnant. I'll be a goddamn whale.

MADELINE: Don't say that. Listen, this is your body, and your decision to make. Personally, I think you should've told Adam first. Actually, you should've told your parents first.

BRITNEY: Are you crazy? That is not happening.

MADELINE: Well, then haven't you already decided to get an abortion? They're going to find out anyway once you start eating Nutella on pizza barefoot in the kitchen watching Maury.

BRITNEY: …You're right. I either get an abortion or I tell them.

MADELINE: I think you should tell them either way, but, it's your body. Listen, we'll talk about this later. I have to get back.

BRITNEY: Okay.

(They hug. Britney starts crying)

MADELINE: Shhh…

BRITNEY: I'm so scared.

MADELINE: I know.

(Cut to Hot Topic. Michelle is sitting behind the register on her iPhone)

MICHELLE: Aviary versus swine, may the best zoological creature win.

(Dirk enters the store and walks up to Michelle, who quickly puts away her phone)

DIRK: Hello.

MICHELLE; Hi, welcome to Hot Topic, how can I help you?

DIRK: I was actually looking for an Urban Outfitters when I saw you through the store window.

MICHELLE: Oh. Um, that's sweet.

DIRK: You're fuckin' beautiful, you know that?

MICHELLE: That's…nice of you, I guess, but I can't really have conversations like this during work hours.

DIRK: Why? Who's your boss?

MICHELLE: I, actually run this store.

DIRK: So who's stopping you?

MICHELLE: I am.

DIRK: Ooh, feisty.

MICHELLE: No, not feisty. Regular, plain old annoyed.

DIRK: You're feisty.

MICHELLE: Not at all.

(Ryan comes out of the back room)

RYAN: Hey, where's Dean? I need-oh. Hello, Dirk.

DIRK: (Laughs) Oh, this is classic. Of course you two work together.

RYAN: What are you doing here? You hate this kind of clothing!

DIRK: Oh, I'm not here for the clothing. Unless of course, that clothing comes off of her. (Laughs)

RYAN: Wow.

MICHELLE: Yeah, get out.

RYAN: No, I was saying "wow" because it is actually really hard to get this clothing off. The tightness and all. Plus, that's disgusting and insulting towards her.

MICHELLE: Yeah, it is. So get out.

DIRK: More feistiness!

MICHELLE: Since when did outright insulted indignation become feistiness?

DIRK: Feist!

RYAN: Okay, that's not even a word.

MICHELLE: Security!

DIRK: Fine! I'll go, but my name is Dirk Jameson. Facebook me so we can talk.

MICHELLE: No.

DIRK: Bye, lovely.

(Dirk exits the store)

MICHELLE: My god, what a douchebag.

RYAN: Fuck, that guy gets under my skin.

MICHELLE: Yeah. (Ryan knocks over a basket of bows in frustration)Ryan?! What is wrong with you?

(She goes over and begins to pick them up, and Ryan helps)

RYAN: Sorry, I'm just really angry about that guy.

MICHELLE: He's a dick, okay? It happens, no need to get worked up.

(They finish picking up the bows and Michelle puts them back in the basket)

RYAN: But he's not just any dick. He's the arch-dick of the prick empire, and he goes to my school. He's an anti-Semite and a bully.

MICHELLE: All the more reason you should ignore him.

(Another emo employee comes from the backroom)

DEAN: Hey, did anyone say they needed something from me earlier?

RYAN: Um…nope.

MICHELLE: I don't think so.

RYAN: Definitely not.

DEAN: Oh. Okay, well I need something from you. A crate arrived yesterday with 1200 bracelets in it. Where did they go?

(Pan down slightly to see Ryan is wearing an unusually large amount of bracelets)

RYAN: Maybe…bandits?

DEAN: I don't think those exist.

RYAN: Wolves?

DEAN: Lift up your jeans.

(Ryan lifts up the bottom of his pant legs to show more bracelets)

DEAN: Jesus. Why would you steal a crate of bracelets?

RYAN: Hey, do they make neck bracelets yet?

(Cut to Jacob at "Game Central", a video game store. He is searching in the action aisle while an employee reads a comic book behind the cashier's desk)

JACOB: God, where are all the good games? I mean, I already have "Call of Duty: War of 1812" and "Gears of War: United Nations Non-War Edition", so what else is there?

(An employee with curly brown hair walks over to him with the nametag "Ben")

BEN: I'll tell you what, brother, there is an awesome game that will knock your socks off, it's called "Great Steal Mobile". You go around in the fictitious town of New York City and shoot up bitches, hoes, rival gang members, police and innocent civilians.

JACOB: Wow that sounds awesome. But you realize New York City is a real town, right?

BEN: Actually, in the game it's spelled "New York S-I-T-Y"

JACOB: That doesn't distinguish it that much, but fine. Where is it?

(Ben takes it off a shelf)

BEN: Right here, and you can get it for the low, low price of 79.99!

JACOB: That's a great deal, provided you're in Zimbabwe! Luckily, I have a magical card that lets me buy whatever I want and I'll never have to pay it off!

BEN: Actually-

JACOB: NEVER! (Cut to Jacob on the couch playing the game in the game room on his XBOX 360, sounds of gunfire and crashing cars and people talking shit can be heard from the TV speakers) Yeah! Suck on that! Suck on that machine gun, you upslice bitch!

(Ryan comes into the room)

RYAN: What the hell is an upslice bitch?

JACOB: Upslice refers to a woman's vagina, because-

RYAN: Yeah, that makes sense.

JACOB: Right.

RYAN: Well, what is this game?

JACOB: It's "Great Steal Mobile", it's the best. Look at how many upslice bitches I've killed so far.

RYAN: You have killed a lot of women.

JACOB: Men, too, I ain't no pussy.

RYAN: I didn't say you were a pussy, and even if I did, you killing men would not disprove that.

JACOB: Whatever, I'm just bustin' this upslice bitch so I can get a machine gun.

RYAN: Stop saying-

JACOB AND RYAN: Upslice bitch!

JACOB: Yeah.

RYAN: By the way, why are there no children in this game?

JACOB: I guess brutally murdering children is slightly taboo in our society.

RYAN: Isn't murdering, oh, I don't know…anyone slightly taboo in our society?

JACOB: Listen, the video game industry draws the line at children; they had the same rule as the Titanic.

RYAN: No, the Titanic had the "women and children" rule.

JACOB: What? I ain't lettin' no upslice bitch on my goddamn life boat when I already gotta take snivelin' little shits along.

RYAN: Okay, well what rule does the video game industry invoke, then?

JACOB: The Mafia rule. No children, no family.

RYAN: Yeah, I don't think your family is in this video game.

JACOB: Whatever. Go straighten your wrists and slit your hair.

RYAN: I think you're mixing up emo stereotypes, but it doesn't matter anyway, because I'm taking Michelle to the Hansbay Day Fair to cheer her up after Dirk the douchebag was an asshole to her.

JACOB: Okay.

RYAN: Yeah, I feel so angry; I want to beat the shit out of him.

JACOB: You beating the shit out of Dirk Jameson? HA! For sooth!

RYAN: Well, I'm sure I'll calm down. Anyway, bye.

JACOB: Bye.

(Cut to Adam and Britney watching television on the couch at Britney's house Cut to the television, where Patrick White is doing the news for Hansbay Action News Five)

PATRICK WHITE: This is Patrick White for Hansbay Action News Five. Facebook stocks continued to slide today as the newly-formed IPO was embroiled in a scandal regarding its practices. Federal regulators are now looking into whether or not Facebook's Wall Street investment banks were tipped off that the initial public offering of the social media giant wasn't necessarily a great buy. There are also allegations that information was withheld prior to the first day of Facebook trading. A lawsuit is being brought up against Facebook, and it was filed in a Manhattan district court earlier this morning. In other news, House Speaker John Boehner was found passed out at a bar in Fresno this morning.

ADAM: Wow, I knew Mark Fuckerberg was up to something. The only time he respects anyone's privacy is when he respects the privacy of the information regarding the merit of his shitty IPO.

BRITNEY: Yeah, listen, Adam.

(Britney grabs the remote and turns off the TV)

ADAM: What the hell? They were talking about the stain on Boehner's tie!

BRITNEY: Adam, listen to me. Remember earlier this month?

ADAM: …Yeah…

BRITNEY: Ryan's apartment-warming party?

ADAM: Yeah, where we met. We had so much fun kicking the hell out of Kim Jong-Il, but when the LSD wore off it turns out it was a file cabinet and I couldn't walk for three days.

BRITNEY: Yeah, and then we went into Ryan's bedroom and locked the door.

ADAM: Yeah, we fornicated. It was beautiful.

BRITNEY: Adam, remember when I suggested you put on a condom?

ADAM: Yeah.

BRITNEY: And you said "I got this" and pulled a business card from your wallet, saying you would block yourself when "the time came"?

ADAM: Vaguely, what are you getting at?

BRITNEY: It didn't work. I'm pregnant.

ADAM: …WHAT?

BRITNEY: Yes. I am 100% preggo.

(Adam holds up a jar of Prego™®©)

ADAM: Prego?

BRITNEY: No, preggo.

ADAM: Damnit.

(Adam throws the Prego across the room, and it hits a wall, shattering and getting it all over the floor)

BRITNEY: ADAM!

ADAM: Sorry, I'll clean it up later, listen, I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF A BABY! Okay?!

BRITNEY: Calm down, okay? Adam, we can do this.

ADAM: We can't. I'm freaking out, my heart is racing, I'm about to vomit from stress, I feel like my pancreas is going to explode for some reason, I need a cigarette.

(Adam takes out a cigarette and lights it, and he begins smoking it)

BRITNEY: Listen, we can handle this. What's the course of action?

ADAM: I don't know. (Drag) Get rid of it?

BRITNEY: Excuse me?

ADAM: There's a clinic in Burlington, half an hour from here. (Drag) My mom aborted my dead brother there, that's how I know.

BRITNEY: Adam, I can't believe you! You haven't given this any thought at all! An abortion isn't just like getting fast food, it's not an impulse decision, you have to think about it!

ADAM: Oh, goddamnit. You're right. (Drag) I'm sorry.

BRITNEY: We can figure this out.

ADAM: Okay. (He drags again, and then puts out in a nearby ash tray. He then tears up a little bit) Can you hold me?

BRITNEY: …Sure. C'mere.

(Adam lies in her arms. Cut to Ryan and Michelle walking down a street, with many buildings, booths with art and food, with amusements and rides in the background)

MICHELLE: So this celebrates the 200th anniversary of the founding of Hansbay, Vermont?

RYAN: That's right Michelle. In 1812, Francis Scott Key sent audio to his assistant via telephone, to President George Washington Carver. Carver was so glad that he invaded Vietnam and bombed pearl harbor, and that's how Hansbay was formed.

MICHELLE: Wow, that doesn't sound accurate at all.

RYAN: Look, there's one of those license plate deals! Let's go.

(Ryan and Michelle go to a stand which has people's names on license plates. Its proprietor is a middle-aged white man with a mustache and his nametag says "Rand")

RYAN: Hi, my name is Ryan; do you have my name here?

RAND: No, we don't have Ryan, we have "Grimes", is that your name?

RYAN: I just told you my name was Ryan!

RAND: Well, we don't have your name, then, Ryan.

MICHELLE: My name's Michelle, do you have that?

RAND: We don't have Michelle, we have "Grimes", is that your name?

MICHELLE: What is wrong with you?

RYAN: Yeah, and how is it that you don't have the extremely common names of Michelle and Ryan but you have the name "Grimes"?

(Rand has his phone out)

RAND: I have an app, and it says that Ryan is only the 49th most common male name in the United States, while Michelle is the 21st most common female name.

(Ryan has his phone out)

RYAN: Yeah, I also have that app, and Grimes does not even register because it's such a significantly low amount of people.

(Dirk comes over to the booth)

DIRK: Well, look who it is.

MICHELLE: Oh no.

DIRK: If it isn't Homeo and Juliet.

RYAN: Wow.

DIRK: Because you're a homo.

RYAN: Yeah, I got that.

DIRK: Guys looking for names? Do you have Dirk?

RAND; No, but we have Grimes.

DIRK: Perfect, that's Grimes' name. GRIMES!

(One of Dirk's friends walks over. He is shorter with brown hair)

GRIMES: My name is Grimes, do you have my name?

RAND: No, we don't have Grimes, but we have Grimes, is that your name?

GRIMES: Yes!

MICHELLE: What are we still doing here?

RYAN: I don't know, let's go.

DIRK: Hold on, you upslice bitch.

MICHELLE: Excuse me?!

RAND: We also have "Upslice Bitch" if you're interested.

RYAN: You better FUCKING apologize to her RIGHT NOW.

MICHELLE: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!

DIRK: Because you're virtuous. And everyone else on Earth is an asshole. You're so offended. So courageous with your snobby little nose in the air, meanwhile, you've been boning some emo prick.

RYAN: What?

MICHELLE: Dirk, we're not dating, and we're especially not having sex.

DIRK: Sure.

RYAN: Wait a minute, you two dated?

MICHELLE: …Maybe?

DIRK: Yes. For a year, from June 14, 2010 to July 8, 2011.

RYAN: …I guess the question that immediately comes to mind is…why?

MICHELLE: I don't know, I was sixteen, I was a freshman, I had never had a boyfriend, and he knew how to play a guitar!

RYAN: Jesus, that's the same reason Sarah and Logan are going out! Why do teenage girls base relationships on such thin rationale?!

DIRK: Well, now you're dating this emo motherfucker. And who knows what you're doing with this guy!

(Dirk indicates to Rand, who runs the booth)

RAND: What? I just run a booth here; I'm not involved in this-

DIRK: You think you can fuck my ex-girlfriend and get away with it, buddy?!

RAND: I didn't fuck your ex-girlfriend! Jesus, she looks underage!

DIRK: She's eighteen!

RAND: I STILL DIDN'T FUCK HER!

MICHELLE: Dirk! I'm not dating or fucking Ryan, and I probably never boned this dude.

RAND: No, not "probably", definitely!

DIRK: Ah, bullshit.

RYAN: Listen, you called her an "upslice bitch" to her face just because you're butt hurt that she broke up with you! I think you should apologize!

DIRK: How about instead we step outside?

RYAN: We ARE outside!

MICHELLE: Jesus, everybody calm down!

RAND: I think you're driving away customers from my booth, can you guys move this elsewhere?

DIRK: Why? So you can FUCK Michelle again?!

RAND: WHAT?! That doesn't even make sense!

RYAN: Fuck off, you pervert.

RAND: Why do you lunatics think I'm involved in this?!

DIRK: Ryan, how about we meet behind the bowling alley at 6pm tomorrow? Sound good? We can fight it out.

RYAN: Sounds fucking fantastic. See you there.

DIRK: Yeah. Bye.

RYAN: Bye.

(Dirk exits stage left. Cut to Jacob still playing the video game, but on the couch this time. Ryan enters stage right)

JACOB: Hey.

RYAN: Hey. Wow, are you still playing this?

JACOB: Hell yeah homo, I'm owning these two district judges.

RYAN: Yeah, it looks like you're slamming their brains in with gavels.

JACOB: Yeah. You steal couple of cars, murder some people in this game and see what happens?

RYAN: You get arraigned by the authorities.

JACOB: Yeah, because in this game, you have to pay the consequences for your actions, that's why it's so real.

RYAN: I don't know, man, the jury seems to be cheering you on, and the lawyer from the prosecution is taking a dump on the Judge's desk.

JACOB: Yeah, I think he's being sarcastic.

RYAN: I doubt that.

JACOB: Why do you look so pissed?

RYAN: Because I am. Dirk called Michelle an "upslice bitch" at the Hansbay Day festival, and it turns out Dirk and Michelle dated for a year, from '10 to '11.

JACOB: Wow. My term is spreading.

RYAN: Yeah, well now I have to fight Dirk tomorrow at 6pm behind the bowling alley.

JACOB: PFFFF! (Begins laughing hysterically)

RYAN: WHAT?

JACOB: DUDE, YOU'LL COME HOME IN A BODY BAG! (Continues laughing) We'll have to identify your body and have a funeral-(laughs)- and go through intense grief-(laughs)-and the five stages, and-(laughs) then-then…we'll accept your dead! (Continues laughing)

RYAN: Shut up, I have to defend Michelle's honor.

JACOB: (Stops laughing) Well, you better learn how to fight then. I would help you, but I learned on the streets.

RYAN: Well, then teach me to fight like I'm on the streets.

JACOB: No, I mean the streets of Freedom City.

RYAN: Oh.

JACOB: Just remember, A,B,C,C,C,B,A,B!

RYAN: …Thanks.

(Cut to Adam driving his car with Britney in the passenger seat at daytime)

ADAM: Listen, all we're going to do is look into it. We don't need to make any final decisions today.

BRITNEY: I know. We're just going to one of Vermont's fine abortion clinics. Maybe there's a sonogram museum and an afterbirth tasting.

ADAM: Why are you being so combative? We've made no final decision!

BRITNEY: I know, it just…makes me uncomfortable.

ADAM: I understand.

(Cut to Adam and Britney pulling up to Planned Parenthood of Northern New England. In front of the building is a slew of pro-life protestors and pro-choice counter-protestors, divided by fencing. Pro-life protestors are screaming things like "ABORTION IS MURDER!" and "PLANNED PARENTHOOD IS PLANNED GENOCIDE!" Meanwhile the pro-choice protestors scream things like "WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE!" and "GOVERNMENT, STAY OUT OF MY BODY!")

ADAM: Perfect.

(Adam and Britney get out of the car to see a security guard)

SECURITY GUARD: Hi, I'm David. Sweetheart, you might want to put your hood on in shame.

BRITNEY: Right.

(Britney puts her hood over her head and has the security guard escort her and her boyfriend down the path between the opposing sides)

WOMAN: WHORE!

MAN: SLUT!

WOMAN 2: BABY KILLER!

(The security guard leads them to the door of the clinic. They open it up, and Adam and Britney both sign in at reception)

RECEPTIONIST: Good morning, welcome to Planned Parenthood of Northern New England. How can I help you?

ADAM: Hi, we're here to see Dr. George Miller regarding the possibility of an….abortion?

(She checks her clipboard)

RECEPTIONIST: Yes! 9:30 sharp. I'm Shannon. Have a seat, and remember to like us on Facebook.

ADAM: Who would ever do that?

(The two sit down and wait. Cut to Ryan waiting behind a bowling alley at day time. He's practicing punching when Dirk, Grimes and Jim walk in)

DIRK: Ohh, looks like we got a tough guy here, huh Jim?

JIM: You said it, boss!

(Michelle comes in)

MICHELLE: Listen, you two don't have to prove anything to me!

DIRK: Sure we don't.

RYAN: (Nervously) Listen man, I was thinking, why are we fighting? We should be friends, going out getting laid together.

(Dirk comes up and punches Ryan in the mouth and he falls to the ground)

DIRK: WILL SMITH STYLE BITCH!

RYAN: WILL SMITH DID NOT PUNCH THAT HARD! AW, GODDAMNIT THAT HURT!

MICHELLE: Stop, both of you! I'm not going to actively pursue stopping this, but I will encourage you verbally to stop!

DIRK: STAY OUT OF THIS, MICHELLE!

MICHELLE: I mostly am.

DIRK: RYAN, YOU ARE A SELF-CENTERED EMO DRUG ADDICT AND YOU DON'T DESERVE HER!

MICHELLE: Okay, I'm getting help.

(Michelle leaves)

RYAN: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, DIRK?! WE'RE NOT EVEN DATING! BY THE WAY, YOU'RE ONE TO TALK ABOUT CHARACTER FLAWS; YOU'RE RUDE, OBNOXIOUS AND ANTI-SEMITIC!

DIRK: RGGGHH!

(Dirk places his foot over Ryan's neck)

RYAN: AGHH!!

DIRK: YOUR LIFE ENDS TONIGHT, DONAHUE!

RYAN: ACKKKKK!! IT'S DAYTIME YOU FUCKING LUNATIC!

DIRK: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT YOUR LAST WORDS TO BE CONTRADICTORY IN NATURE???!

RYAN: ACKKK!!! I GUESS NOT?

(Dirk presses his foot down harder)

DIRK: You're a piece of shit.

RYAN: AGGGHHH!!! DON'T! I CAN'T DIE THIS YOUNG!

(Dirk lifts his foot off Ryan's neck, kick him in the rib and leaves with Jim and Grimes. As Ryan recovers, Michelle runs in)

MICHELLE: Jesus, are you okay??!

RYAN: Yeah. I'm fine.

(Cut to June 2005. A 10-year old Ryan Donahue is in his bedroom, wide awake at night. On the floor is a spider. He looks deathly afraid. The following exchange is basically verbatim the story in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eBECAJhclI, which I will replicate for the purpose of homage to this terrific artist, and to prove a point. I give full credit to Garret Davis, the writer of that work)

RYAN: DADDY! DADDY! HURRY! I SAW SOMETHING SCARY!

(A 39-year old Ethan Donahue comes in, wearing only boxers)

ETHAN: Ryan, what's all this screaming for? You're going to wake the neighbors next door!

RYAN: Daddy, I think there's a spider on my floor. Is it? And will you squish it?

ETHAN: You called me up here in the middle of the night to come into your room and destroy life? Is that what they teach you in Sunday school?

RYAN: But daddy, it's gross; it's got a million legs, a billion eyes and a trillion eggs!

ETHAN: Ryan, it's not disgusting, it's just reality. So take a deep breath and appreciate life. (Ethan picks up a coaster and has the spider crawl onto it, and puts a cup over him) Look how delicate its legs are crawling across your bedroom floor. Do you even know the proper name?

RYAN: ARACHNID!

ETHAN: That's right. We're living in a world that is filled with creatures, big and small, hairy and slimy. You're not the center of the world. How would you feel if a giant hand came out of the sky and decided to crush you?

RYAN: I guess I'd be scared, but daddy, what if the spider hurt me?

ETHAN: He didn't hurt you yet. Did he soon? Your logic is flawed, you come undone. Swallow your pride. What if the spider said the same thing? "Daddy, daddy, kill that kid!"?

RYAN: That's the point, dad! What if he did? That's why I have to strike first!

ETHAN: What if he did? What if he didn't? What if the world was made of pudding? All I'm saying is consider something besides your thirst for blood.

RYAN: Dad, you're right. Now I see. Maybe he's got a family.

ETHAN: Now you're learning. Understanding! Finally, you're becoming human! Let's return him to his natural habitat, keep him in this cup, and take him outside. (Ethan takes the cup to Ryan's window, as Ryan follows. He opens the window and releases the spider) God speed!

(Cut to Doctor Miller, who is man in his 60s with white hair, at his desk with Adam and Britney in front)

DOCTOR MILLER: Well, Adam, Britney, it appears as though you have a problem in the ol' tummy there that might need to be taken care of, eh?

MADELINE: Jesus.

ADAM: I am very uncomfortable with how comfortable you are with this.

DOCTOR MILLER; Oh, trust me, I've performed thousands of abortions.

ADAM: Why are you proud of that?

DOCTOR MILLER: Listen, it's a woman's choice to do what she will with her body, okay?

ADAM: Yeah, I agree, it just seems weird to be proud of it.

DOCTOR MILLER: Anyway, is an abortion an option you are considering?

BRITNEY: Yes.

DOCTOR MILLER: Well, abortion is a safe procedure when done right.

BRITNEY: We understand.

DOCTOR MILLER: Trust me, I used to do underground abortions before Roe V. Wade, and they are not pretty.

ADAM: You did underground abortions?

DOCTOR MILLER: Yeah, abortions were illegal in Vermont in any and all circumstances in 1970, so I took it up as a hobby at first, and trust me; I cleared out thrift shops every single night getting hangers.

(Adam puts his hands in his head)

ADAM: What the hell is wrong with you? (He lifts up his head) I realize this job is necessary, but you are giddy, and that's fucked.

DOCTOR MILLER: Trust me,

ADAM: Stop saying that, I don't trust you.

DOCTOR MILLER: Hey, haters are going to be more inclined to hate, players are going to be more inclined to play.

ADAM: That's not how that goes.

DOCTOR MILLER: Well I should know, because the only people that get shot more than gangster rappers are abortion doctors.

BRITNEY: That's probably accurate.

DOCTOR MILLER: Thug life!

ADAM: Listen, Doctor, we think perhaps an abortion is not right for us. We're going to go.

DOCTOR MILLER: Fine, suit yourselves. I'm going to go home anyway. Can you open that closet?

ADAM: …Okay?

(Adam gets up and opens a nearby closet, and a Barack Obama costume slides out)

DOCTOR MILLER: Thanks.

(He gets up and starts putting it on)

BRITNEY: Why?

DOCTOR MILLER: I have to leave this building without the pro-life psychopaths outside throwing stuff at me because I'm an abortion doctor.

ADAM: I honestly don't think dressing up as Obama is going to help.

(Doctor Miller finishes putting he Obama costume on)

DOCTOR MILLER: Whatever. See ya, losers.

(Doctor Miller leaves the room, leaving Adam and Britney stunned)

ADAM: Did that abortion doctor just call us loser and leave?

BRITNEY: Yes.

ADAM: Wow. Dr. Miller may not be a murderer, but he is a dick.

BRITNEY: Big time. Listen, Adam. Maybe we should keep the baby, for now.

ADAM: I'd like the "for now" in writing.

(Cut to Ryan returning from the fight, bruised and bloodied. He walks into the game room, where Jacob is still playing his game0

RYAN: Uh…dude? Are you still playing this?

JACOB: Hells yeah, bro. But I'll pause.

(Jacob pauses and turns around. Once he sees Ryan, he starts laughing)

RYAN: Yeah.

JACOB: (Laughing) Dude! He beat the fuck out of you!

RYAN: Yeah, well he almost killed me.

(Jacob's laughing calms down)

JACOB: Wow.

RYAN: It seems like he was about to, he had his foot over my neck, I just thought it was the end. But then, for whatever reason, he just left.

JACOB: Pussy.

RYAN: Would you have preferred I was killed?

JACOB: No, but he's still a pussy for not killing you.

RYAN: How does that work?

JACOB: Talk to the game, bitch.

RYAN: Yeah, I'd rather not talk to the gratuitously violent video games of the early 2010s.

(Cut to the floor. A spider crawls across the carpet. Ryan lifts his foot to kill it, but then, slowly, sets it down. Fade to black)

THE END





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