"NO SHAME DECEMBER"
"Like many, there were things they wanted to change, hence the list. Now, all of a sudden, most of them act like, it doesn't exist. Take this advice I give you, don't bother to do it anymore. You're only wasting your time and paper, as you're going to be, the same person, you were before!"
- Audrey Heller
(We start with Brennan behind the counter at the Hot Topic Michelle and Ryan used to work at. Gene walks over)
BRENNAN: Welcome to Hot Topic, we have a special sale on shorts.
GENE: I'm your boss, dipshit.
BRENNAN: Oh yeah. Sorry. How are you, sir?
GENE: I'm fine, Brandon, listen, the only people who are going to be coming in here are people seeking returns, so just, handle that as best you can. You know the lingo about all of our products, right?
BRENNAN: Oh yeah. Hot Topic is the only thing I like about Vermont actually, it's-
GENE: Why, why are you talking?
BRENNAN: I supposed that's been taken away.
GENE: All you need to say is "yeah, got it". Got it?
BRENNAN: Yeah, got it.
GENE: That's "yes sir" to you.
GENE: HEY! Talking.
GENE: Happy New Year, Brennan. What are you doing for it?
BRENNAN: Oh, I'm hosting a New Year's party-
GENE: Jesus, you'll never learn.
(Gene walks away as Brennan looks disappointed. A girl with black hair, a jean jacket, numerous bracelets and ripped black skinny jeans and a "Like Moths to Flames" t-shirt walks in)
BRENNAN: Welcome to Hot Topic, where both sides of the store are the guy's section, how can I help you?
GIRL: (Slight southern accent) Hey, I was lookin' for a "Consider Me Dead" shirt.
BRENNAN: Consider Me Dead? Well, they're an awesome band, but they're a little too underground to sell shirts at a Hot Topic.
GIRL: I thought Hot Topic was supposed to be underground.
BRENNAN: That was a long time ago. Way before we were even sold to Sycamore Partners and started selling brony threads and One Direction portraiture.
(The girl chuckles)
GIRL: God, I know, it's just awful. Well, what good bands do you have shirts for? I'm just using the money my mom stuffed in my stockin' for something. She stuffed it in there at ten in the morning Christmas day and went back to bed.
BRENNAN: Jeez, that's a little cold
GIRL: Best Christmas ever.
BRENNAN: Well, we have Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce The Veil, A Day to Remember, Panic! At the Disco, or what's left of it-
GIRL: No kidding.
BRENNAN: Asking Alexandria, Bullet For My Valentine and My Chemical Romance-
GIRL: Ugh, don't remind me of them.
BRENNAN: Oh, because they broke up?
GIRL: God, when they broke up, my sister didn't go to school for three days.
BRENNAN: Jesus, that's a bit of an overreaction. Like, they're good, but three days good?
GIRL: Well, Gerard Way lit her little emo heart on fire.
BRENNAN: I can sort of understand why they broke up then. Their fan base is dangerously obsessive.
GIRL: Oh, and they're less obsessive now? Kurt Cobain has been dead for nearly twenty years and yet homeless guys still break into Frances Bean Cobain's house to do laundry and kill her fiancé.
BRENNAN: Are they sure that wasn't just Courtney Love?
(The girl laughs)
GIRL: Wow…well, thanks for the help. I guess I'll just have to find some other shirt.
BRENNAN: You can still find it here!
GIRL: Yeah, I know, don't be so desperate!
BRENNAN: Yeah, sorry, it's just that- (Whispering) they keep me on a tight leash here, they hate it when I talk to them.
GIRL: Why? You seem cool.
BRENNAN: Tell them that then! They don't believe how awesome I am! Like, literally, they don't believe it, they don't think it's true!
GIRL: Alright, I'm going to give you a positive review, hold on.
BRENNAN: Wait, what's your name?
(Delaney walks over to Gene, who is standing over by the dressing room)
GENE: Hello, do you need a dressing room or do you want to file a complaint against Brennan?
DELANEY: No, quite the opposite actually, I wanted to just tell you how pleased I am with my interaction with Brennan. He is really cool and super cute.
GENE: Yeah, and he wants everybody to know it. It's obnoxious.
DELANEY: Are you really criticizing a positive review of one of your employees?
GENE: Thinks he's so fuckin' cute…
DELANEY: Wow, you're small.
GENE: If you don't stop talking to me I'm going to fire him.
DELANEY: Bye! (Delaney walks over to Brennan) I think that may have done more harm than good.
BRENNAN: I guarantee you it didn't.
DELANEY: Yeah, but I should probably leave before you get fired in front of Weezy and the Blackveil Brides.
BRENNAN: Yeah, leave them out of this. (Delaney chuckles and begins to walk away) Wait!
BRENNAN: What's your number?
DELANEY: Oh, I live in West Virginia.
BRENNAN: I guess I should've figured the accent you've tried so desperately to shed was pure West Virginia.
DELANEY: Yeah, my mom lives in Burlington. So I visited for the Holidays.
BRENNAN: Well, how long are you staying?
DELANEY: Until late January, I think. West Virginia's school days are limited in number and quality. I was educated by The Daily Show.
BRENNAN: Okay, well, listen…
BRENNAN: Yeah, it should work-
DELANEY: Is there some subtext I'm missing?
BRENNAN: I'm having a New Year's Party tomorrow at my house. Are you interested?
BRENNAN: Yeah nuqqa, it'll be-sorry.
DELANEY: Sorry for saying "nuqqa"?
BRENNAN: Well, you're from West Virginia, so I'm sure that's tame.
DELANEY: It's unused, we say straight-up ni-
BRENNAN: NUQQA! Don't-
GENE: What was that?!
(Brennan turns to Gene)
BRENNAN: Hold on a second! (Turns back to Delaney, who is shocked) 5pm on December 31st, 7822 Insufferable Circle.
DELANEY: I'll be there, although I'm pretty sure the whole unemployment thing might cast a pall over the party.
BRENNAN: Perhaps. (Turns back to Gene) What's up, Gene?
(Gene is holding a box labeled "Brennan Sanford's things". Cut to Ethan and Kimberly at the Hansbay Mall, walking through it)
ETHAN: So, how many returns do we have left?
KIMBERLY: Eight, I think.
ETHAN: Perfect. I'm so glad we're finally shopping again. Had to take that one day break to spend time with our families and now, we make a triumphant return!
KIMBERLY: Yay for us. (Kimberly checks her phone) What're we doing for New Year's by the way?
ETHAN: I don't know, I assume Mayor Sarandon is having a party.
KIMBERLY: It says on Facebook that Mayor Sarandon is going to Shelly and Ivan's New Year's Party.
ETHAN: Who is Ivan?
KIMBERLY: Shelly's new boyfriend, apparently.
ETHAN: Jesus, she already rebounded?
KIMBERLY: Yeah, and Mayor Sarandon is GOING to their New Year's Party? That makes so little sense.
ETHAN: Well, Brian told me it was a mutual break-up.
KIMBERLY: After spending 10,000 dollars on a trip to France? I would stay with Phil Robertson for at least a month afterwards if he spent that much money on me.
ETHAN: You'd think, right? Especially since Phil Robertson loves the vagina. And he'll continue to love the vagina and hate everything else on A&E Wednesdays at 10pm.
KIMBERLY: What a weird hour. And what a shitty decision by A&E, who clearly value their garbage programming over their values. I am going to continue my 46-year boycott of A&E for this.
ETHAN: And I am going to NOT return this- (He takes out a dildo with a beak at the end of it and "Duck Dynasty" scrawled on the side) Dick Dynasty dildo that Mayor Sarandon got me as a joke for Christmas.
KIMBERLY: Oh God, please return it.
ETHAN: I have to keep it in solidarity with Mr. Robertson and his family values.
KIMBERLY: It's actually pretty gay to keep a dildo.
ETHAN: True, but the fact it attracts ducks makes it more straight than gay.
KIMBERLY: Sure. Mayor Sarandon invited us to this party of Ivan and Shelly's.
ETHAN: Uh…will it be awkward?
KIMBERLY: He's groveling for me to come. Saying it's "very important to him" and to not "create drama" by not coming.
ETHAN: Wha-how are we creating drama?!
KIMBERLY: I don't want drama, let's go there.
ETHAN: Drama?! I don't understand, how are we creating drama, we haven't even said anything and he's the one being histrionic about it!
KIMBERLY: Ethan, I can feel the drama happening. Just, just, just-DON'T!
ETHAN: This is drama! What you're doing right now is drama!
KIMBERLY: WE'RE GOING!
(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Evan and Mayor Sarandon standing outside Ivan's house the following day)
MAYOR SARANDON: Alright, Ivan is a little slow because in 2008-
(Ivan and Shelly open the door)
SHELLY: Hey guys!
MAYOR SARANDON: Hi Shelly, hi Ivan, anyway, he was impaled through the head- (Ethan, Kimberly and Evan look shocked and uncomfortable) by a rod during a railroad incident, so he has brain issues and behavioral problems, (he turns back to Shelly and Ivan) anyway, hello and happy New Year!
SHELLY: Brian, don't talk about that in front of him!
IVAN: It's okay, Shells. I once stood before a judge and said that I couldn't work because I had issues, and she told me "you have two legs and you're speaking, sorry, but you don't have issues", all the while I was only wearing one shoe in the court room.
SHELLY: Yeah, he was being sued by the judge for dozing off in her garden, it was a huge conflict of interest for her to be assigned to the case, but that's our justice system for you.
ETHAN: Well…are we going in?
IVAN: OF COURSE! Come in.
(They walk into Ivan's house to see a living room with a broken TV in it. Ivan's father is sitting on the couch)
IVAN'S FATHER: Ivan, are these your friends?
IVAN: Yeah dad, this is my dad Jesse.
(Jesse gets up and walks over, slowly)
IVAN: These are…Shelly, what are their names?
SHELLY: Brian, Ethan, Kimberly and Evan.
IVAN: Where's Ellen, Evan?
SHELLY: Ivan! Sorry, he has trouble with people.
EVAN: How does he know about my estranged wife?
ETHAN: Everybody knows her, Evan.
EVAN: Fuck off.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey! We're in the presence of the Mayor, here! Let's be civil!
JESSE: Oh yes, you are the Mayor, aren't you?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, I am.
JESSE: I voted for Ethan.
ETHAN: I like this guy.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I hope I can buy your vote next time around. So let's get started!
IVAN: First, I need to get our first guest, a very special guest, in fact!
JESSE: Oh, dear. (Ivan goes into the other room) Not Baron Von Train…
(Ivan drags out a toy train on a string)
JESSE: Ivan, why?
IVAN: COME ON, DAD! HASN'T HE BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH?!
JESSE: HE'S been punished too much, YOU haven't been punished enough for insisting that he be your legal representation when you were getting sued!
IVAN: He tried his best!
SHELLY: Settle down everyone, Baron Von Train can be involved if he wants, I'm sure he's excited for 2014 too.
JESSE: But Baron Von Train gets all defensive and pissy, especially at later hours.
IVAN: (High-pitched voice, pretending to be Baron Von Train) What the hell does that mean?! I'll run over your wife, I tell you!
JESSE: Come on, Ivan, that's actually how your mother died!
IVAN: Tell it to the train!
MAYOR SARANDON: Let's sit in the living room.
KIMBERLY: Or we could just go.
SHELLY: Nonsense! Let's try to enjoy this.
ETHAN: Oh, I'm tryin'.
(They all go over and sit down in the living room, which has the broken TV. A few moments pass)
MAYOR SARANDON: I like what you've done with the place.
JESSE: Yeah, Ivan is prone to fits of anger.
(Cut to Ryan back at the rehab center, in group therapy with several other patients and Doctor Proskovec. Ryan has straightened hair, skinny jeans and a band t-shirt again)
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Wow, Ryan, you really have changed, exactly back to what you were before.
RYAN: Hold on, Doctor. I may have re-adapted my old clothing style and musical tastes, but I am still a Mormon, and I am still sober. Although, I am drunk on God. The opiate of the masses.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: It sounds like your talking down to it.
RYAN: Are you kidding me? I love opiates. And I love Jesus. I just don't like dressing like a pleb. And I'm still sober, I will piss right here, right now and you can test it.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: That won't be necessary.
RYAN: Oh…shit, I drank a lot of water though.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Hold it, okay? Now, today is obviously New Year's Eve. So there will be some celebrations on campus among the patient population, now, obviously, they will be free of alcohol and drugs, right?
PATIENT: Of course.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: And to lead by example, the staff who have to work tonight will only be drinking Chardonnay.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Hey, they're not junkies like you junkies! They're social drinkers, haeeh?
RYAN: Don't do the Kanye thing at me.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: HAEEH! Sorry, anyway, Ryan, I want you to practice what your going to say when you attest to the efficacy of Pennyroyalin to investors and the FDA next month, alright, buddy?
RYAN: Of course. Ooh, I could like, get my band together and
write a song about it! That'd be cool!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Uhhhhh…you don't have to.
RYAN: I know I don't have to, but I-
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Don't have to. Okay, we're paying you a nice amount of cash, just, don't push it. With a song. Have fun everybody, Happy New Year.
PATIENT: Whoa, we're not all Christians, bud!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: What?
PATIENT: I'm an Atheist, I don't celebrate that shit.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: All I said was "Happy New Year".
PATIENT: SHH! God, Proskovec, somebody will hear you! I mean, not God, but, somebody!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: New Year's is not a religious- you know what, fine? Happy, date change, everybody.
PATIENT: Finally, we can go, thanks for holding us up.
(They all get up and Ryan walks over to some of the patients)
RYAN: So, what clean New Year's Parties are going on tonight, huh? I'll bring ice. Like, frozen water ice, not…meth.
PATIENT: Why don't you go party with the FDA?
(A bunch of the patients walk away)
RYAN: What? (Ryan turns around to see Kris) Kris, you zombie motherfucker, let's hang out. But let's not eat anyone's faces off.
KRIS: There are going to be pretzels at my party dude, you're probably too straight-edge to even consider it.
KRIS' FRIEND: Yeah, don't get tangled up in pretzels, bro, they'll lightly salt your entire life.
(Kris and his friend laugh and walk away)
RYAN: What the fuck?!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: They're just jealous, Ryan. It pervades this place. You're a great success story. (Ryan turns to Doctor Proskovec) Poor kid, raised by two crack-addicted dads, suddenly, by next month, he's the face of a new drug. And I don't mean Emma.
RYAN: …How do you know about Emma?
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: I'm a drug addiction specialist, we all know the new, synthetic drugs you guys dream up. And drug makers are running out of ideas anyway, honestly, there's only so many different forms of happy.
RYAN: Well, forgetting the fact that I wasn't raised by two crack-addicted dads-
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Don't tell Popular Science that.
RYAN: I think these patients should see me as a motivating force in their lives, not a discouraging force.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Drugs make for small people. Especially that drug that stunts your growth, what is it called?
RYAN: Can I hang out with Blaine or something for New Year's?
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Monster, that's it!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Right, um, we don't think Blaine is a good influence on you. And in turn, you are not a good influence on him. You don't influence each other well, you understand?
RYAN: Come on, Doctor Proskovec!!!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: No, I will not let New Year's ruin your recovery. God knows it's ruined plenty of those.
RYAN: These parties are supervised!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: I swear some of these specialists are selling, I just don't know which ones.
RYAN: Ugh…well, what am I going to do?
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Hang out with the staff on hand for New Year's! We'll let you watch us drink.
(Cut to Doctor Proskovec and Bessie sitting in their office with Ryan. Proskovec has a glass of Chardonnay)
BESSIE: Hey, can you pass some of that Chard this way?
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Chard?!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: I know, but, this is, you can't call it by a nickname like that! This is not some colloquial playground of yours, this is Chardonnay! Now ask for it correctly!
RYAN: Oh my God, shut up.
(Doctor Proskovec receives a call on his desk phone)
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: That must be the Chardonnay police! (He picks it up) Hello? Yes? Hmm. Is there any chance that you're the Chardonnay police? No chance? Alright. Well, I will ask him about it. (Doctor Proskovec puts the phone to his chest) Ryan, that's someone named Bishop Woodrow, he was wondering why there is a bicycle missing from his church's bike inventory.
(Ryan looks panicked)
RYAN: Oh...it was stolen. By men with submachine guns.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Men with submachine guns stole a bike?
RYAN: They knocked me out! It was a knockout game! And they won,
too! But I'll get 'em next time!
(Ryan smiles and winks as Doctor Proskovec stares, for a while. He then goes back to talking to Bishop Woodrow on the phone)
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: He says the bike was stolen from him. Hmm. (To Ryan) He says you should've reported that immediately to the church's mercenary fleet.
RYAN: Of course, won't happen again, Bishop.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: (To Bishop Woodrow) Ryan says it won't happen again, Bishop. Perfect. Thank you. Did you appreciate our customer service? Press one for yes, two for- oh, he hung up. (Doctor Proskovec hangs the phone up) Damn, I have to make those automated.
RYAN: I'll be right back. (Ryan gets up and goes into the bathroom. He runs into a stall and begins hyperventilating. He then takes a vile of Emma, which he apparently got from Ashton in TDEP139, and tries to throw it into the toilet, but misses, it lands perfectly on the toilet tank) Damnit! (He takes it and throws it into the toilet, but then takes it out) Fuck, why can't I let go? Ugh, I just like the thought of it being there, Goddamnit, I need to find a cave somewhere, I can climb into so I can have a spiritual experience, find God and get clean for good. Fuck, I already found God. Well, what the fuck does He have to offer? Loaves? Fishes? I'm pretty sure that's not even the plural of fish! Where is the cave that Johnny Cash climbed into anyway? The Nickajack cave, right? That in like, Tennessee. I need to find a cave. But that means I have to leave here first, before midnight. I can't break my New Year's resolution. I need to go home. I need to be close to my friends otherwise I'll slip back. Why can't I have self-control? URGH! I hate me! (Ryan puts the drugs in his pocket and walks out of the stall and out of the bathroom) Hey listen, Doctor, I-
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Ugh, you didn't wash your hands, I never heard the faucet.
RYAN: I washed them!
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Bull! Don't you know you indirectly touch eight penises a day?
RYAN: Wow. I touch eight a day anyway, so I guess that brings me up to a grand total of sixteen.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Gross. What did you want?
RYAN: Yeah, I think I'm going to split.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: You're leaving?
RYAN: Yeah, I figure I'll just spend New Year's with my family if my fellow patients are going to be dicks about this.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Well, we can't provide transportation. And I don't know what your intentions are, exactly.
RYAN: I just want to go home. Enjoy my recovery. Get high on sobriety. Maybe go spelunking.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: You want to go cave diving? Right now?
RYAN: It's on my bucket list.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Who would take you home?
RYAN: I have a, friend. He lives in the area, he's picking me up.
DOCTOR PROSKVOEC: …Alright. (Doctor Proskovec reaches into the drawer and pulls out Ryan's cell phone) Wow, that's crazy, when you enrolled here, all you had was a water-proof iPhone 3GS and a worsening drug habit.
RYAN: Yeah, I bought that off a Japanese girl three years ago. Those chicks love their iPhones so much they'll use them in the shower, but even they can't resist an ounce of weed.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: Jesus, you're lucky you're eighteen. (He hands the phone to Ryan and gets up and shakes his hand) Good job, kid. When you first started drug therapy, I thought you were kind of a dick.
RYAN: And I thought you were a bit of a dildo.
DOCTOR PROSKOVEC: And we were both right. However, now that you're on the road to recovery, we can double penetrate the vagina of the world together.
(They shake hands. Cut to Brennan and Eric Brennan's car, listening to "Alone" by Falling in Reverse)
ERIC: I'm telling you nuqqa, Falling In Reverse's new sound is fuckin' dope!
BRENNAN: Why can't Ronnie Radke just go back to prison? Why did that guy from Lostprophets have to go there?
ERIC: Dude, he tried to rape a baby!
BRENNAN: Yeah, why couldn't a shitty musician like Ronnie Radke have gone to jail for trying to do that huh?!
ERIC: Holy shit. By the way, can Coin make it?
(Brennan parks in front of his house)
BRENNAN: I hope not.
(Brennan unbuckles his seat belt)
BRENNAN: I sort of hope she can't, I met this girl the other day named Delaney, she's coming.
ERIC: Dude…you invited some girl you just met to your New Year's party?! And you're hoping your current girlfriend can't make it? What the hell?
BRENNAN: Nuqqa, I'm shopping around! I might want to make a switch, but if it doesn't work out, I'll stick with Coin.
ERIC: Just the other day you were showing me photos of her and remarking how cute she was!
BRENNAN: And she was. But, people change. From day to day.
ERIC: And so does your dick.
BRENNAN: Alright, enough.
ERIC: I'm just saying, Brennan. (Brennan gets out of the car) The hell's wrong with you?
(Eric gets out of the car)
BRENNAN: You date fourteen year olds, Mr. Paul Walker! So I don't want to hear it!
ERIC: Well, I date one fourteen year old at a time! And their Facebook pictures usually only show from just above their eyes to just below their nose, so it's hard to tell what age they are! And then sometimes I'll date baby cougars, like sixteen year olds!
BRENNAN: Ugh. Still younger than you, bro.
ERIC: This is not about me, BRO!
BRENNAN: Don't mention I have a girlfriend, nuqqa! I want her to like her for ME, not because I have a girlfriend!
ERIC: That is not WHY!
BRENNAN: Well, I also don't want you to mention the fact that I'm rich or that I'm cute as all fuck! So, there you go!
ERIC: Oh my God…
(Cut to Brennan's front door. A knocking is heard. Brennan walks downstairs wearing a tank top and opens the door to see Michael, Ross and Samuel)
BRENNAN: S'up, guys? Come in.
(They all come in)
SAMUEL: This better be a sausage fest.
BRENNAN: No, there are girls coming.
MICHAEL: Like Coin?
BRENNAN: Uh, no, she texted me saying she can't make it because her mother doesn't want her to be startled by the fireworks because it may trigger her POW personality. (Someone rings the doorbell) Hey, go upstairs, there'll be pizza up there soon.
(They all venture upstairs as Norman Sanford walks over)
NORMAN: Are you gonna get that?
BRENNAN: Yeah, dad, I'll get it. (Brennan opens the door to see Delaney) Hey.
DELANEY: Hey. I like your house.
BRENNAN: Who told you I was rich?
DELANEY: I guess no one.
BRENNAN: Oh, okay, good.
(Brennan and her laugh as Norman walks over)
NORMAN: Who's this?
BRENNAN: This is my dad.
NORMAN: I wasn't asking who I was. Although Coin may do that sometimes.
DELANEY: Who's Coin?
BRENNAN: Nobody, just come in.
DELANEY: So did you get fired?
BRENNAN: No, he considered it, but he kept me because he feared if he didn't have me to verbally abuse, he'd go back to drunk dialing Michelle Reed.
(Delaney comes in. Cut to Michael, Eric, Ross, Samuel, Cynthia Fleischmann, Oleander, Chase and several others in Brennan's game room)
MICHAEL: Why did he ask us to go upstairs like that when someone rang the doorbell?
ERIC: I'll tell you why. He has a girl coming over. And he likes her.
ROSS: But, he has a girlfriend.
ERIC: Yeah. He's a fucked up person.
MICHAEL: Dude, that's not cool. He's cheating, essentially.
ERIC: He's saying he wants to make a switch.
MICHAEL: This isn't a cell phone plan! Or a Whitman's Sampler of Pussy! If he's that unsatisfied with Coin, break up with her!
ERIC: Yeah! Exactly!
OVERWEIGHT GIRL: Eric, to be fair, you aren't the most scrupulous dater either, though.
ERIC: Right, I get that Stephanie, but I don't cheat, and I admit to my discrepancies! Brennan tries to play it off as being alright! Hell, he was even cheated on at one point, remember? Ryan cheated on him like, seven months ago!
STEPHANIE: Eric, I once asked a lawyer if a picture you posted on Instagram of you and you licking your girlfriend's face was legally considered child porn, and he was stumped.
MICHAEL: Hold the phone, shouldn't we say something? About this brazen philandering going on before our eyes?
STEPHANIE: To be fair, it is "no shame December".
ROSS: No, don't create drama.
STEPHANIE: I agree, it's their problem.
MICHAEL: HE created the drama!
(Ross is smiling)
ROSS: If there's one thing I hate, it's drama.
MICHAEL: Why are you smiling like that?
(Ross starts licking his lips as Brennan comes upstairs with Delaney. He's holding a box and Michael immediately notices Delaney)
BRENNAN: Hey everybody, this is Delaney.
DELANEY: S'up my ni- (Sees Ross) …people?
ROSS: Hello, Delaney.
BRENNAN: Who wants novelty 2014 glasses? I have… (He looks in the box) two.
MICHAEL: How about you two just take them?
BRENNAN: Uh, sure, fair enough. (He takes out the 2014 novelty glasses and hands one to Delaney and then he puts them on, as does Delaney) Wow, you cannot see with these.
DELANEY: I think this industry was fucked over when 2009 ended.
(Cut to Michael, Ross, Eric, Cynthia Fleischmann, Stephanie, some guy and Brennan speaking in a circle in the corner of the room while Dalton and Gavin play Halo on Brennan's couch)
ERIC: 2013…what a year.
MICHAEL: It's the year that I followed Devil's Niece around on-
(Eric starts making out with Cynthia) tour with Ryan and- hey!
Dude, come on, you started this conversation, you can't just make
out through my response to it!
BRENNAN: Yeah, you two stop.
(Brennan snaps near them, and Eric looks at Brennan)
BRENNAN: Stop doing what you're doing!
CYNTHIA: He's a decent kiss and theoretically, a better fuck.
STEPHANIE: Illegally, a better fuck.
ERIC: Easy does it.
MICHAEL: So, Delaney, you met Brennan where?
(Brennan looks at Michael)
DELANEY: A Hot Topic. Yesterday, actually, it was pretty crazy.
MICHAEL: Cool, cool.
DELANEY: But I'm not from here, I'm from West Virginia.
ROSS: Yeah, I sensed a bit of WV in your eyes when you came in.
DELANEY: Yeah, I can't shake it off. It's like a fever you can't sweat out.
BRENNAN: That's a Panic! Album.
MICHAEL: I know. So, what were you doing at a pleb emo store like Hot Topic?
DELANEY: I don't know, lookin' for something I was never going to find.
ROSS: Aren't we all?
MICHAEL: Shut up.
DELANEY: How is Hot Topic a pleb store?
MICHAEL: Ugh, it's just filled with obnoxious faggots wanting to look "hardcore".
DELANEY: Yeah, that's true. And then there are post-obnoxious post-faggots wanting to look "post-hardcore".
MICHAEL: Oh my God, have you seen Metalacolaypse?
BRENNAN: Please say no.
DELANEY: Yeah, that show is the best.
ROSS: Dear God, don't get him started.
MICHAEL: Does anybody have anything they want to say? Because the next twenty minutes of conversation has been booked, by me.
DALTON: I had a bar mitzvah scheduled here for 9:25, actually.
(Cut to Ethan in Ivan's bathroom. He is standing in front of a mirror, which doubles as a medicine cabinet)
ETHAN: God, no one who doesn't want to get murdered should have their mirror on a medicine cabinet. Especially living with that deranged Ivan guy. But…shit. (He opens the medicine cabinet to see tons of medication bottles) Heart pressure medicine, anti-psychotics, Ritalin, mood stabilizers, something labeled "just takes this" and an empty bottle of baby wipes. That's just terrific. (Ethan closes the cabinet to suddenly see Kimberly behind him in the mirror) AHH! (He turns around) Jesus, Kimberly! How?!
KIMBERLY: Never mind that now, drama has found its way into our New Year's party.
ETHAN: This is not OUR New Year's Party, we're just pawns in Mayor Sarandon's jealousy and delusion-fueled chess game.
KIMBERLY: That's been the case for the last twenty-one years, but the real issue is how uncomfortable I feel with this whole situation.
ETHAN: Yeah, I mean, when he tried to ride the train down the hallway, I felt that was an okay time to, get out of here. So, why don't we leave?
KIMBERLY: Because Shelly is…this is her ex-husband, it just seems rude.
ETHAN: Her ex-husband is rude!
KIMBERLY: He's sick in the head, Ethan! He was impaled! And survived! It's positively a miracle!
ETHAN: Sometimes, I see people on that show "I survived" and I think, maybe it would've been better if they'd have just died.
(Mayor Sarandon walks in and closes the door)
ETHAN: Wow, you just assumed I wasn't using the restroom in here?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, listen, you guys have to stick around. For me.
KIMBERLY: This whole situation is WEIRD, you know that right?
ETHAN: What are you even trying to accomplish?
MAYOR SARANDON: I'm trying to juxtapose myself with that drooling little bastard out there! And that toy train will give me a run for my money if you guys don't stick around because otherwise this'll just be ME awkwardly being in Ivan's house for a small New Year's get-together. I need some of the pressure of me, don't I?
ETHAN: Oh my God, the things I do for you.
MAYOR SARANDON: Thanks, now let's go back out there and make me
proud. Clear eyes, full heart, can't lose! (He slaps Ethan on the
back) LET'S GO!
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry!
(They walk back into the living room to see Ivan, Shelly and Jesse sitting on couches)
MAYOR SARANDON: We're back from our bathroom trip! And better than ever!
ETHAN: I wouldn't say that.
IVAN: Hey Shells, at midnight, what do you say we New Year's kiss?
SHELLY: Oh, Ivan. I-
IVAN: Sorry, talk into my good eye.
SHELLY: Oh, okay. (Shelly puts her mouth near his functional eye) I'd love to.
EVAN: There must be alcohol here, right?
JESSE: It's in a locked liquor cabinet in the basement.
IVAN: That's where I keep all of my mice friends.
JESSE: The ones that he squeezed to hard and then killed.
IVAN: May they nap in peace.
EVAN: …Eh, it's worth it.
(Evan goes down into the basement)
IVAN: IF WE'RE DRINKING TONIGHT! Then we need to put our cell phones and keys in a bowl, got it?
MAYOR SARANDON: I won't drive drunk, don't worry.
IVAN: Okay, I could be the designated driver then!
MAYOR SARANDON: Where's the bowl?
IVAN: In the kitchen. Keys and cell phones!
KIMBERLY: Why our cell phones?
IVAN: Because texting while drunk driving is even worse than just
MAYOR SARANDON: But hey, if we kill anybody on the road, we have Affluenza on our side.
ETHAN: Well, it's worth it.
(Ethan, Mayor Sarandon and Kimberly put their cell phones and keys in a bowl in the kitchen and come back out as Evan comes in holding a two bottles of vodka)
EVAN: Let's ring in the New Year, with lack of feeling!
(Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, Kimberly, Ivan, Shelly and Jesse sitting in the living room. They all have drinks, except for Ivan)
MAYOR SARANDON: So Congress didn't extend unemployment benefits,
big whoop, the POOR-triarchy won't get their fix for a few
KIMBERLY: Oh my God, it is a big whoop, Congress finally passed a fuckin' budget and it sticks it to the jobless, how is that fair?
ETHAN: Maybe if they tasted the wet boot of poverty for a while, they'd be more motivated to get a job.
KIMBERLY: Or maybe they'll be motivated to sell their bodies for food, or sell their food for organs, or sell their organs for good.
JESSE: It's a lucrative business, I have a piece of Ivan's brain in a jar of water in the basement.
EVAN: Oh, I thought that was Brainschlager. I could taste the gray matter.
SHELLY: I hope you're kidding.
KIMBERLY: The point is, it's Maslow's hierarchal of needs-sorry, hierarcha-HIERARCH- (She starts laughing) Damnit, I can't say that word, what kind of vodka is this?
EVAN: Certainly not Brainschlager.
(They all laugh as Evan nervously smiles)
MAYOR SARANDON: I need to take a piss.
(Mayor Sarandon gets up and goes into the kitchen and walks past the bowl of phones, but then walks back to it and smiles. He looks around, and then takes Ethan's phone, which has a background picture of Ethan and Kimberly standing in front of the World's Largest Coffee cup in the late nineties and says "10:34 PM Tuesday December 31 2013". The song "Revenga" by System of a Down begins playing as he changes the time settings on Ethan's phone to "10:39 PM", it cuts to him changing the oven clock to 10:42 PM and then it cuts to a sped up scene of him changing the time on a bunch of cell phones. Then it cuts to him changing the time on the microwave clock, an analog clock in the hallway, a wrist watch on a bedside table, a cardboard Fisher-Price clock in Ivan's room and finally, his own phone. As the song ends, he breathes a sigh of relief. He walks back into the living room)
EVAN: It must take a long time to piss brain.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yep. It takes time.
(He smiles deviously)
ETHAN: …Why are you smiling like that?
MAYOR SARANDON: No reason.
(Cut to Ryan walking on the side of the road with his "My Little Pony" backpack as the sun begins to set)
RYAN: All I have is the shirt on my back, the pants constricting my blood flow and the backpack full of porn, stuffed animals and an iPod with tons of movies and music. It's just me, nature and all those things. (Ryan takes out his iPod and puts the ear buds in his ear, the song, which can be faintly heard, is "Wake Up" by Suicide Silence) Wake up, wake up, this is no hallucination, this is what we have become, this is what dreams are made of, go look in the mirror, wake up, wake up, this is no hallucination- wait a minute- (He sees a car's headlights in the distance) here we go, how do people hitch hike again? Uh… (He jumps and waves both thumbs in the air) HEY!! PICK ME UP YO!!! (The car just throws a cup from Wendy's at him, spilling Coke on his shirt, causing him to stop jumping) Wha?! ASS! I guess that's not how people hitch hike. Should I point at myself? (He points at himself as another car drives by) CHOOSE ME TO PICK UP! I WON'T MURDER YOU!
(A limousine pulls up along the side of the road and you see a white man roll down the window)
LIMO DRIVER: Well, hi there.
RYAN: Uh…are you an undercover cop?
LIMO DRIVER: Yes, I'm an undercover cop driving a limo.
RYAN: Why are you in a limo?
LIMO DRIVER: New Year's Eve parties, you know how it is. Get in, where do you need to go?
RYAN: Well… (He gets in the front seat) I need to go to a cave first, then I need to go to Hansbay.
LIMO DRIVER: A cave?!
RYAN: Yeah, take me to the nearest cave, where's the nearest cave?
LIMO DRIVER: It's the Weybridge cave, but why do you want to go to a cave?
RYAN: I need to have a spiritual experience to prevent relapsing into drug use. Either that or I can just kill myself there.
LIMO DRIVER: Well, that would shorten my trip. Weybridge cave it is. How much money are you paying me here?
RYAN: Um…I have brony porn.
LIMO DRIVER: I'll take that.
(The window rolls down behind them and you see a curly-haired guy played by Josh Gad in a suit and another guy in sunglasses and a suit)
CURLY-HAIRED GUY PLAYED BY JOSH GAD: Me too please!
(Cut to Michael, Ross, Delaney and Stephanie eating pizza and drinking soda in the kitchen. "My Town" by Hollywood Undead)
ROSS: Yeah, I have a gaming channel on YouTube where I try to beat classic games really quickly. And I take donations, so…
DELANEY: That's cool, but what's in it for me?
ROSS: Well, in addition to donations, I also accept fines if you feel that I've messed up at any point in the game.
(Norman comes over)
NORMAN: There's more pizza where that come from if you guys are-
(Brennan walks downstairs carrying a ball of tin foil)
BRENNAN: Throw this away- (He tosses it in Ross' direction) oh
(Norman catches it before Ross)
NORMAN: Whoa! Beat you to it! What is this?
(Brennan walks over)
BRENNAN: (Nervously) Nothing, dad! Just something Eric's girlfriend brought here, but now she's leaving, so- (Cynthia walks in, looking sad and wearing a back pack while Eric stands beside her) she told us we could uh, play catch with it.
NORMAN: Well I won't get in the way of your fun then, GO LONG!
(Norman throws it and Eric knocks over Cynthia to catch it)
ERIC: GOT IT!
ERIC: Sorry, Cynthia.
(Brennan walks over)
BRENNAN: Cynthia, weren't you just leaving?
(Brennan helps Cynthia up)
CYNTHIA: Yeah. I'm heading to Colorado.
(Cynthia sulks out of the house and Brennan grabs the tin foil ball out of Eric's hands)
NORMAN: Well, you kids have fun. I'll be in the garage.
(Norman walks out of the room as Brennan walks over)
MICHAEL: What is that?!
BRENNAN: It's weed! Eric's dumbass girlfriend thought it was a good idea to bring it to my house.
(Eric walks over and Brennan throws the drugs away)
ERIC: At least mine could make it.
ROSS: You threw illegal drugs at me with your dad right there?!
BRENNAN: You know what? Let's go to Tercentennial Park.
BRENNAN: Because, there's nothing to do here, it's good way to kill time two years before midnight.
DELANEY: Where is that?
ERIC: It's pretty close.
MICHAEL: What would we do there?
BRENNAN: We're gonna play tag, nuqqas! Like we're kids again!
DELANEY: That sounds fun, actually.
(Cut to Michael, Brennan, Delaney, Ross, Eric, Dalton, Gavin, Stephanie and Samuel standing in front of the wreckage of a playground, surrounded by idle bulldozers and dirt. They are all freezing)
BRENNAN: Totally forgot they tore Tercentennial Park down.
MICHAEL: And that it's ten fucking degrees outside?!
BRENNAN: We're still playing tag! Ross, (he taps Ross on the
shoulder) YOU'RE IT!
(Brennan runs away, as does Dalton, Gavin and Eric)
ROSS: Shit, uh, uh, I don't even remember what "it" means!
MICHAEL: What a lost childhood.
ROSS: Does it mean I come over?!
DELANEY: Samuel, why aren't you running?
SAMUEL: I just got off the phone with my cousin, and she's pregnant.
(Ross extends his hand)
SAMUEL: She's thirteen.
(Ross takes back his hand and they all groan in disgust)
SAMUEL: Plus, you're it, I'm not touching you.
ROSS: I feel like that's racist somehow.
BRENNAN: (Offscreen) PIZZA IS THE ESSENCE OF LIFE!
(They all look over to see Brennan, Eric, Dalton and Gavin on the roof of the concession stand)
ERIC: I WOULD LITERALLY DIE FOR POP PUNK!
MICHAEL: What are you guys doing?!
BRENNAN: Quoting YouTube videos!
ERIC: That's all we know how to do!
(Gavin opens his jacket to reveal a shirt with a picture of a puppy and the words "STAY METAL" superimposed over it)
GAVIN: I WOULD LITERALLY POP FOR DIE PUNK!
DELANEY: How are they going to get down from there?
MICHAEL: I have no idea, I'm not even sure how they got up there.
BRENNAN: You'll never be able to get us from up here, huh Ross?
ROSS: Or maybe you'll never be able to get me from up there?
BRENNAN: Wait, is that how it works?
(Eric is looking off the side of the concession stand)
ERIC: Somebody call the fire department!
STEPHANIE: At least try!
ERIC: Actually, don't, I have drugs on me.
BRENNAN: Ross, heads up!
(Cut to Delaney and Michael sitting on steel benches nearby)
MICHAEL: Yes or no, Swedish melodic Death Metal bands like Amon Amarth are the best bands ever?
DELANEY: Yeah, Amon Amarth is great.
MICHAEL: Yes! Ugh, I'm so glad you think that.
DELANEY: I love how the lyrics focus so much on Olavi Mikkonen's experience as a Viking, it's really-
DELANEY: I'm kidding.
(Michael laughs, as does Delaney)
MICHAEL: Thank God, you totally had me thinking you thought he was a Viking.
DELANEY: I would hope you'd give me more credit than that.
MICHAEL: I have no idea who to give the benefit of the doubt anymore, especially since I found out about Brennan-
(The camera pans to Ross)
MICHAEL: Ross. She deserves to know.
ROSS: It's not your problem! Don't create drama!
DELANEY: What are you guys talkin' about?
ROSS: We're talking about…Brennan has a crush on you.
DELANEY: Well, yeah, he invited me to this party after meeting me a day ago!
MICHAEL: Yeah, that is not the big secret, the big secret is, (Michael looks around and then whispers) Brennan has a girlfriend.
DELANEY: …Oh. Shit, really?
ROSS: I told you not to tell her, man.
MICHAEL: (Whispering) Dude, I don't care, Brennan can eat my dick, but yeah, he has a girlfriend, currently. She couldn't make it, to his relief.
DELANEY: Wow. I-
(Cut to Brennan jumping down from the concession stand)
BRENNAN: PHEW! (He runs over to Michael, Ross and Delaney) That was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Who's it?
ROSS: Nobody is. It's very cold.
BRENNAN: Ugh, you guys are such babies! But fine, we'll go home as soon as someone gets Eric down off the concession stand.
(The camera pans to show Eric sitting on top of the stand)
ERIC: Just leave me to die of frost bite then! Thanks!
BRENNAN: COOL! Who's riding with who?
(Cut to later, Eric, Ross, Michael, Dalton, Gavin, Samuel and Stephanie are back in Brennan's game room. They are all looking at the Halo 4 start screen, which depicts endless space)
GAVIN: I don't like this start screen, it makes me feel small and…insignificant.
MICHAEL: You are.
ROSS: Man, Brennan and Delaney have been in there a long time.
ERIC: Longer than I was EVER making out with Cynthia.
STEPHANIE: Oh, shut up, you pedo.
ERIC: Low blow!
MICHAEL: Can we just agree that what Brennan is doing is worse than what Eric has ever done, because Brennan seems to think what he's doing is alright?
STEPHANIE: But this doesn't make Brennan a bad person, which would require a string of bad behavior.
MICHAEL: A string?
STEPHANIE: Morality is like a string, you see? I call it String Theory.
MICHAEL: That name is, more than taken.
STEPHANIE: By whom?
(Cut to Brennan and Delaney in Brennan's room, sitting on his bed. You can hear the shower in the distance)
BRENNAN: Yeah, I just wanted us to get away from that circus for a second.
(Cut to the game room, where Gavin is dressed as a lion tamer whipping Eric as he jumps through hoops that have been set up around the room while circus music plays. Everyone else is sitting by and clapping to the music. Cut back to Brennan and Delaney)
DELANEY: Yeah, that was strange.
BRENNAN: Yeah. So… (Brennan looks down and smiles) I think you're awesome.
DELANEY: Yeah, you're pretty uh…cool too.
BRENNAN: Thanks. (He looks back at her and flips his hair out of his eyes) I hope you're having a good time.
DELANEY: Yeah, I am. Your friends are really fun.
BRENNAN: Yeah, they're dope, so listen, after midnight, I was going to have all of them go home, because they think I have work in the morning, but uh, I definitely think you deserve to stay a little longer.
DELANEY: Ohhh, I see. You can just say you're driving me home.
BRENNAN: …Is anything wrong?
DELANEY: Nope, everything's fine.
BRENNAN: I'll take that at face value.
DELANEY: We should go back out there, we don't want them to think anything.
BRENNAN: I left the shower on in my bathroom so they wouldn't know we were talking.
DELANEY: Now they probably think we're showering together.
BRENNAN: Shit, did not think of that. (Cut to Brennan and Delaney
walking out of Brennan's room) Man, look at how dry we are!
ERIC: You know what we should play? Truth or Dare.
BRENNAN: That's a good idea! We still have a little bit until midnight, let's do it.
ROSS: Who's "it" in that game?
MICHAEL: Nobody, Ross.
BRENNAN: I'll go first, Michael! Truth or dare?
MICHAEL: Uh, dare.
BRENNAN: Do you have a crush on anybody in this room?
MICHAEL: I said dare.
BRENNAN: I DARE you to tell me if you have a crush on anyone in this room.
MICHAEL: That is, not how it works. But fine, I will say no, moving on, I choose Brennan!
ERIC: Come on! Somebody choose me so I can strip!
MICHAEL: Truth or dare?
MICHAEL: Fair enough-
BRENNAN: I will not drink or do any drugs as part of this dare, though.
MICHAEL: Second choice then, wear Stephanie's bra and talk to your dad about joining the military.
(They all laugh)
BRENNAN: Alright, perfect.
SAMUEL: I actually have one of Stephanie's bra falls off.
BRENNAN: Stephanie's is fine, thanks, Samuel. (Stephanie takes her bra off from under her shirt and hands it to Brennan, who takes off his shirt and puts it on) Delaney, could you clasp it?
(Delaney clasps it in the back and everybody gets their phone out as Brennan begins to walk towards the stairs)
ROSS: Yeah, boy!
(They follow him as he goes downstairs, but they stop on the stairwell and film from the landing as Brennan approaches his dad and Norman looks in surprise on the couch)
BRENNAN: Hey dad, I was just, you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about-
NORMAN: Gender dysphoria?
(They laugh from the stairs)
BRENNAN: The military, and how it could, make a man out of me.
NORMAN: Thank God, (Norman takes out a US Army pamphlet) I have some reading material for you-
BRENNAN: Whoa! I was just trying to get a reaction out of you!
NORMAN: Yeah, my reaction is, join the military!
(Jeff, Brennan's nine-year old brother, walks by)
JEFF: I agree!
BRENNAN: DO YOU LIKE MY BOOBS?! (Brennan turns around as everybody upstairs laughs) THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!
(Brennan goes back upstairs as everyone applauds and pats him on the back)
MICHAEL: Hey, it's going to be midnight in a few minutes, guys!
(Michael turns on the TV and we see Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin in Times Square)
ANDERSON COOPER: 2013 has been a crazy year, whether it's the NSA scandals, twerking, the IRS scandal, Blurred Lines, the Syrian Civil War, Duck Dynasty, the Obamacare websites scandal, What the Fox Say, the new Iranian government, the explosion of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, the explosion at the Boston Marathon, probably another Obama scandal that I'm not remembering, new Pope! Crystal Pope! DOMA was overturned, Malala become an international superstar-