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The Donahues Episode 144

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Detective Zimmerman is released from prison and his actions wreak havoc on Hansbay


Submitted:Jan 22, 2014    Reads: 14    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


~~THE DONAHUES

"HANSBAY RIOTS"

TV-MA LV

"Verdict, prejudice, family interaction; but someone videotaped the event, and with fear and anger! But calm down and wait for the truth"
- Edward Kofi Louis

(We start with a door opening outside of Vermont State Prison. Two Prison Guards are escorting Detective George Zimmerman, who is wearing a purple jumpsuit and is sporting a beard, out of the prison)

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Well gentlemen. The day has come. Uncuff me.

PRISON GUARD: I really thought the other inmates would kill you, man.

PRISON GUARD 2: Yeah, he had to buy me a steak dinner the other night because of it.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: You guys bet on that stuff?

PRISON GUARD: Oh yeah. I knew I should've stuck to betting on the pedophiles.

PRISON GUARD 2: No shit. If there's one thing ruthless killers don't like, it's child molesters.

PRISON GUARD: But they hate former cops more, so I thought they would stick you on day one.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Sorry, can you guys hurry up and uncuff me?

PRISON GUARD: Fine, Jesus. (He uncuffs Zimmerman) You're free to go.

PRISON GUARD 2: You're also free to stay though, we have a poker game we're organizing.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I'm, fine. Let me just slip into something more comfortable. (Zimmerman unzips his purple jumpsuit and steps out of it wearing his old detective's suit) God, that was getting sweaty.

(Cut to Burlington, Vermont, where the a Gun Show is being held, teeming with gun stands and things. Detective Zimmerman parks his car and gets out. He walks up to the entrance to the gun show to see a man in a ticket booth)

TICKET BOOTH OPERATOR: Hello, welcome to the Cool Gun Show, can I help you?

GEORGE: I'd like to get in.

TICKET BOOTH OPERATOR: Dandy, then just hand me the eight bucks and you'll feel like a kid in a gun store. (George hands him the eight dollars. The operator holds up one of the bills to the light) Alright, these are real bills. (He puts them down and hands George a ticket) There you go.

GEORGE: You have to make sure they're real bills before you let me in?

TICKET BOOTH OPERATOR: Yeah, we try to be secure about those kinds of things.

GEORGE: Right…do you have background checks?

TICKET BOOTH OPERATOR: Hell no, those are expensive. We're not like those pussies at the Green Mountain Gun Show, in fact, that's why we call ourselves the "Cool Gun Show".

GEORGE: 'Course, got to think about your bottom line. Thanks. (George smiles and enters the gun show. He walks up to a booth with milk jugs at the far end of it and pistols hanging on the walls) What's this crazy bullshit?

BOOTH OPERATOR: See if you can shoot all the milk jugs within the allotted time!

GEORGE: What's the allotted time?

BOOTH OPERATOR: The max is- (He holds up a semi-automatic weapon) sixty rounds per minute.

GEORGE: Goddamn. How is it hard to shoot the jugs, then?

BOOTH OPERATOR: It's not. Here.

(He hands George the semi-automatic weapon)

GEORGE: Jesus.

BOOTH OPERATOR: Go ahead and shoot the jugs. I'll be down here.

(The booth operator gets down on the floor)

GEORGE: Wow, that's not safe. I just need to buy a pistol, alright?

(The booth operator stands up)

BOOTH OPERATOR: Fair enough. (He takes the semi-automatic from George and puts it behind the counter) What kind of pistol do you need?

GEORGE: One that's easy to conceal.

BOOTH OPERATOR: That, is a common request. For that, I recommend the- (He takes out a snub-nosed revolver) snub-nosed revolver. She's a beauty and will shoot intruders, rabid dogs and bitch ex-wives wanting their stuff back in the most discreet way possible, not that I condone that kind of thing.

GEORGE: Yes, I just need it for self-defense.

BOOTH OPERATOR: Good, good. Because with all these recent shootings, like the one in Florida with that guy who was texting or the one in that Philadelphia High School gym or that twelve-year old with the sawed-off shotgun in New Mexico.

GEORGE: In his defense though, everyone's an asshole in Middle School.

BOOTH OPERATOR: Amen to that. So are you interested?

GEORGE: Yes. How much is it?

BOOTH OPERATOR: This one will run you three-hundred and fifty dollars.

GEORGE: Alright then. (George takes out three one hundred dollar bills and a fifty) Here.

(George hands him the money)

BOOTH OPERATOR: You're over twenty-one, right?

GEORGE: I'm thirty.

BOOTH OPERATOR: Alright. Then here you go.

(The booth operator hands George his pistol)

GEORGE: Thanks a lot, pal.

(George stuffs the pistol into his pocket and walks away. Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office, shaking a martini shaker. Ethan walks in holding papers)

MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, you want one?

ETHAN: Work has not even technically started yet, you asked me to come in early, and you're offering me a martini?

MAYOR SARANDON: A health-tini, actually. (Mayor Sarandon pours a Martini and puts the shaker away) My yoga sensei says I need more fruit in my diet, so I figured what's healthier than a lemon peel?

(He plops a lemon peel in the drink)

ETHAN: Plenty of things.

MAYOR SARANDON: Ridiculous.

ETHAN: What the hell's a yoga sensei?

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, he's this guy from the orient who lives in my house and is teaching me yoga. So I can get healthier, maybe increase the ol' life span.

ETHAN: Sensei are for karate and stuff, not yoga.

MAYOR SARANDON: This guy is a total sensei! And honestly, I think he'd be perfect for the unveiling of the new and improved exercise initiative. We could teach these kids yoga.

ETHAN: I would argue with this, but I figure that it's already final.

MAYOR SARANDON: IT'S FINAL! (Mayor Sarandon stands up) Come in, Yoga Sensei!

(An Asian man with a long mustache wearing karate fatigues hops in on one leg with his arms extended on both sides and his hands pointing downward, he continually makes breathing noises that seem to indicate he is shivering, and his voice also shakes)

YOGA SENSEI: Waaaa…I am your Yoga Sensei, and I will teach you the ancient ways of yogaaaa….

ETHAN: Sorry, are you cold?

YOGA SENSEI: …Quite…

ETHAN: It's 74 degrees in here, I think that's reasonable.

MAYOR SARANDON: He's always cold, don't worry about it, you can put your leg down, by the way.

YOGA SENSEI: Nooo…that is a sign of disrespect to my elders in my culture…

MAYOR SARANDON: Aren't you like, two hundred?

YOGA SENSEI: Forty-seven…

MAYOR SARANDON: Damn, you did not age well. Anyway, this guy is perfect.

(The yoga sensei puts his leg down)

YOGA SENSEI: Oh no, I have erred…

ETHAN: It's fine, just take a seat.

YOGA SENSEI: Yes. (He takes out a yoga mat and sits down on it) Continue.

ETHAN: Great.

MAYOR SARANDON: So, what do I have to do today? I don't have to honor Doctor King again do I?

ETHAN: No, but I sort of hate how you begrudged that.

MAYOR SARANDON: I just hate that I had to work on Martin Luther King Day. He fought the whole Civil Rights movement so we could have a day off!

ETHAN: No, he didn't-

MAYOR SARANDON: (MLK impression) I HAVE A DREAM! THAT ONE DAY! LITTLE BLACK BOYS AND BLACK GIRLS CAN SLEEP IN WITH LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND WHITE GIRLS AS SISTER AND BROTHERS, I HAVE A DREAM TODAY!

ETHAN: SIR! You have to unveil the new and improved exercise initiative today, 'kay?

MAYOR SARANDON: Perfect, because I have this new Yoga Sensei, hey Sensei!

ETHAN: You already showed him to me, did you forget?

MAYOR SARANDON: Show him Down Dog! (The Yoga Sensei puts his feet on the ground, sticks his ass in the air and orients his head towards the ground) Cool, now show him cold down dog! (The yoga sensei shivers in the down dog position) It's great for your core.

ETHAN: Great, can we go to the unveiling now?

MAYOR SARANDON: Sure. (Mayor Sarandon stands up and they begin to walk out and step over the yoga sensei. Cut to a horde of reporters outside the Mayor's office building. Mayor Sarandon walks out of the building onto the stair landing and is handed a microphone by Ethan. Evan and the Yoga Sensei are standing by) Thank you, thank you, please!

REPORTER: Nobody's cheering!

MAYOR SARANDON: It is my pleasure to introduce something that is really quite special. (Cut to Detective Zimmerman walking up to the crowd of reporters with his hands in his pockets. He hides near the back of the horde) The exercise initiative that was an absolute failure under the incompetent leadership of Robert Altmire will be MORE than a success using the ancient wisdom of this ancient man. The Yoga Sensei! (The Yoga Sensei makes shivering noises) Why he's so cold is a mystery, but-

ETHAN: It is twenty-six degrees out here.

MAYOR SARANDON: Anyway, he will teach the kids yoga, which is more palpable to these kids and less strenuous. Plus, it will improve their posture, because we all know how much stuff we jam pack in their back packs these days. (Brian laughs and the crowd of reporters chuckle) So, you will receive grocery coupons if you can prove your kid completed this course and then by the end of the summer, we will see if the majority of them passed the Presidential Fitness Test. And if they don't, then this Yoga Sensei is being deported.

YOGA SENSEI: Back to San Diego?

MAYOR SARANDON: No, we're just sending you to Beijing.

YOGA SENSEI: Then that's not deportation, that's just…kidnapping!

MAYOR SARANDON: Any questions? (A bunch of reporters raise their hands and start furiously questioning) Whoa, one at a time, fellas! And girl fellas! (Zimmerman looks around and slowly raises his hand) Um, most of you ask questions that are too hard usually, wait a second, who's this newbie in the back? You sir! Go ahead, come over here and ask me a question.

(The rest of the reporters quiet down and Zimmerman walks up to a few feet away from the stage)
GEORGE: I have a question.

MAYOR SARANDON: Great. Shoot.

GEORGE: Okay!

(George takes out his revolver and shoots Mayor Sarandon twice in the chest, sending him collapsing to the floor as a cop takes out his gun and shoots Zimmerman in the shoulder, causing him to collapse to the ground. The reporters scurry about in a panic as screaming echoes throughout the area, and some of them restrain Zimmerman, who can't really move anyway. Ethan and Evan immediately come to Mayor Sarandon's aid, kneeling down to him. He has blood on his clothes, seeping from his gunshot wounds)

ETHAN: BRIAN! BRIAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEONE CALL 911!

(Pan to the Yoga Sensei on his cell phone)

YOGA SENSEI: I'M ON IT!

ETHAN: NO, NOT HIM!

EVAN: The sensei is fine, just put pressure on the wound! Stop the bleeding!

ETHAN: Evan, give me your tie!

(Evan takes off his tie and hands it to Ethan, who also takes off his tie and hands it to Evan, they both apply their ties as pressure to both of Sarandon's gunshot wounds)

YOGA SENSEI: There's been an attempted assassination at the Mayor's office, the Mayor has been shot. We need ambulances immediately, ohhh….

EVAN: Feel his pulse!

(Ethan feels his pulse)

ETHAN: Jesus, it's faint. BRIAN! (Ethan slaps Brian) GODDAMNIT, BRIAN! WAKE UP!

MAYOR SARANDON: (Mumbling) Hmm…

EVAN: BRIAN, CAN YOU HEAR US?!

MAYOR SARANDON: (Mumbling) …It was Zimmerman, wasn't it?

ETHAN: Yeah, I think so.

MAYOR SARANDON: (Mumbling) …He looked familiar. (Mayor Sarandon coughs) Just tell the world it's the first time I've ever wished I had called on a Channel Six reporter…

ETHAN: Come on, man, you're not gonna die! Don't talk like that, the ambulance is on its way!

(You can hear an ambulance siren in the distance. Cut to a few minutes later, Emergency medical personnel are loading Mayor Sarandon into the back of an ambulance as Ethan, Evan and the Yoga Sensei stand by. Some medics wheel Zimmerman over on a stretcher)

ZIMMERMAN MEDIC: Hey, do you mind if the suspect and the Mayor bunk together for this ride? Our ambulance sort of broke down.

EVAN: YES WE MIND! He may have just murdered the Mayor! Let Zimmerman bleed out for all I care!

ETHAN: No, Evan, he's not getting off that easily. Put him in.

EVAN: Are you for real?

(The medics open the door and load Zimmerman into the ambulance. Then they get into the ambulance and drive off. Cut to Patrick White on TV, reporting the news)

PATRICK WHITE: Last Friday, Congress approved a 1.1 trillion dollar budge to fund the government through September of 2014. This marks the first time in nearly two years that Congress has funded the government by agency rather than through temporary stopgap measures. However, the budget did have a provision restricting enforcement of the new ban on incandescent light bulbs, which took effect on the first of the year as required by the Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007. Proponents of the ban say it would save consumers a fortune in the long run and would reduce carbon emissions, but opponents of the ban say any and all changes to anything are bad and scary. In other Capitol Hill news, on Thursday Senator Tom Coburn, a Republican from Oklahoma, has announced he is retiring at the end of the year. The Senator has been battling cancer recently, but says that his decision has nothing to do with his cancer and certainly not because he found he could make so much more money selling meth with an old Capitol Hill intern. Senator Coburn has been known as staunchly conservative, and just three months ago told a Young Republicans group that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was an "asshole". In response, Senator Reid brought Senator Coburn an almost sarcastically enormous "get well" teddy bear the day after he announced his impending retirement. Meanwhile in New Jersey, Governor Chris Christie is facing ever-mounting allegations of corruption, including an allegation that from Hoboken, New Jersey Mayor Dawn Zimmer that Christie aides told Mayor Zimmer she had to back a redevelopment project he favored as a condition of getting Sandy relief funds. She wrote accounts of these encounters in her journals, which she then turned over to federal prosecutors. The Christie administration responded by saying first off, it's not cool for the Obama Justice Department to read her diary, secondly, they denied any and all allegations that might ever come up ever. Including but not limited to, allegations that Christie aides were responsible for Jersey Shore being cancelled due to the fact Snooki had not endorsed the Governor or knew he was the Governor. The Christie administration has accused MSNBC, the network who broke the fund intimidation story, of being habitually openly hostile towards the Governor and saying that the New Jersey government had pledged 70 million dollars towards Sandy Relief. Analysts have pointed out however, that he is wrong on both counts, MSNBC is not necessarily hostile and more like just trying to convince themselves that every news story is a win for liberals and also, Christie says they've pledged 70 million, when that's really just federal pledges as opposed to the 14 million dollars that New Jersey itself has actually pledged to Sandy relief. In response to the allegations that Governor Christie is a lying, conniving, petty, vindictive and foul-mouthed bully, Christie said "That's fuckin' bullshit, I will burn your house down! Did you even know that I named New Jersey? I wrote 'Born in the USA' and you have a stupid voice!" And now for the sports, what's going in the world of sports, Dave Sportland?

(Cut to Dave Sportland at another desk holding a foam basketball)

DAVE SPORTLAND: Well hey there, I'm Dave Sportland! The world of sports is heating up, with terrorists threatening to make the Sochi Olympics go "kablooey" and the fact that the Super Bowl will be pitting the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Sea Hawks-

PATRICK WHITE: Excuse me, Dave, I will have to interrupt your wacky sportscast for the following-

DAVE: I was not done!

PATRICK WHITE: DAVE! We have serious breaking news out of Hansbay. (The camera focuses on Patrick) Apparently, Mayor Brian Sarandon has been shot. I repeat, Hansbay Mayor Brian Sarandon has been shot. Reportedly, he was at an event unveiling the revamped Brian Sarandon Exercise initiative, one of his key programs for the city, when he called on a reporter for a question, that reporter then apparently pulled out a pistol of some sort, some sources are saying perhaps a revolver, and he discharged two bullets into the Mayor's chest, sending him collapsing to the ground. A panic ensued, this happened apparently, just minutes ago. We have no word on the condition of the Mayor or the shooter. We have no word on the identity of the shooter, eye witnesses report a bearded man in glasses and a trench coat.

DAVE: Cool, can I get back to my sports cast?

PATRICK WHITE: Wow, you're fired, anyway, we will keep you abreast of all details of the situation. Mayor Sarandon has always been a somewhat controversial figure since he took office thirteen years ago. He was even put on trial for misuse of public funds a year ago and was acquitted. So there are many possible motives for this attempted, or, God forbid, successful assassination. (He puts his finger to his ear) Sorry, I'm receiving word that the shooter was shot in the shoulder or rib following his shooting of uh, the Mayor, and he, along with the Mayor will soon be receiving medical attention. So this is confirming that for now, the Mayor is alive. And the shooter appears to be alive. And they are on their way to a hospital as we speak.

(Cut to Ethan, Evan and the Yoga Sensei sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, with many reporters standing around. One of the reporters is holding another reporter, who is moaning and screaming periodically)

ETHAN: Christ…if he doesn't pull through-

EVAN: Don't say that, Ethan. (Evan grabs Ethan by the arms) You have to keep the faith!

ETHAN: He was shot point-blank in the chest! Twice! I'm just scared is all! You know, his wife died in surgery, and- (The reporter lets out an especially loud scream) JESUS! (He stands up) Get that guy the fuck out of here!

REPORTER: He's shaken up, okay?!

ETHAN: Yeah, well there are sick people trying to sleep here and he's acting like a child! If the Mayor dies, we'll fucking tweet at you! Go get your story elsewhere! Assholes!

REPORTER: FINE! Let's go, Peter.

PETER: Okay…

(The reporter and Peter leave. Cut to Ryan, Davis, Bailey and Chance in the KDGM room. Chance is smoking his e-cig as they talk)

RYAN: I don't know, I think Ari is getting a little better, he did a Phillip DeFranco style video the other week that was pretty good. It had, MANY jump cuts. And it definitely implied it was going to have, you know, raw footage of the thing he was talking about.

CHANCE: Ugh, I hate Ari's voice. It's just so, I don't know what it is, I just despise his voice.

RYAN: Dude, you're so small.

CHANCE: What?

RYAN: You're like, unbelievably small.

CHANCE: God, smallness is another thing I hate, fuckin', short people.

RYAN: No, I mean like, you, as a person, are small and petty.

CHANCE: Oh, like, you mean when I talk shit about people for things they can't control?

RYAN: Yeah.

CHANCE: Wow. Shit, nobody's ever called me out for that before.

RYAN: Well maybe it's good that I did, then.

CHANCE: No, I honestly wished you hadn't.

(Mrs. Stem comes to the KDGM studio door and frantically knocks on it, causing Chance to put away his e-cig)

DAVIS: That's Stem.

BAILEY: I'll get it.

(Bailey gets up to open the door, but Mrs. Stem breaks through the window glass in the door and opens the door through that)

DAVIS: What the hell?!

(Mrs. Stem walks in)

MRS. STEM: IT'S URGENT!

BAILEY: I was almost to the door!

CHANCE: Are there no announcements or something?

MRS. STEM: No, the Mayor has just been shot, they're putting the school on lockdown.

RYAN: WHAT?

(Mrs. Stem shuts off the lights)

MRS. STEM: GET DOWN!

(They all get down on the ground, except for Chance)

CHANCE: Um, is this really-

PRINCIPAL DURON ON THE INTERCOM: Students, this is Principal Duron speaking, due to a violent situation in the city, the school is now going on lockdown. I repeat, the school is going from dur-ON to dur-OFF.

DAVIS: Jesus, he is milking that.

MRS. STEM: Get down, Chance! You're not even supposed to BE in here!!

CHANCE: Fair enough.

(Chance gets down on the floor)

BAILEY: Who shot the Mayor?

MRS. STEM: They're not saying!

RYAN: Shit, my dad works for the Mayor! Did it say there was anyone else hurt?

MRS. STEM: Just the shooter.

(Cut to Patrick White and a medical expert on the news)

PATRICK WHITE: We've been told Mayor Sarandon is in emergency surgery at Fletcher-Allen hospital as we speak, so despite previous reports stating that he had been dropped off dead in a grocery cart outside the hospital, that does not appear to be the case, that was just a homeless overdose patient in a suit with all the tags on it. Our apologies. We will continue to update you on the Mayor's condition as we receive reports of it, we have also received confirmation that the assailant in this awful crime is indeed former Detective George Zimmerman, (They show a picture of Detective Zimmerman's mug shot from January 2013) was the perpetrator in this attempt on the Mayor's life. Zimmerman was released from prison on Saturday, and has now committed this horrible act. And according to a statement from the hospital, former Detective Zimmerman was dead on arrival to the emergency room, he apparently bled out on the way. So, I repeat, Detective George Zimmerman, the alleged shooter in this crime, is dead at the age of thirty. Let's turn to our medical analyst John Riera for perspective, Doctor Riera, what happens after death?

DOCTOR RIERA: Uh, rigor mortis, the muscles tighten-

PATRICK WHITE: No, but like, what happens to our souls?

DOCTOR RIERA: Okay, I am not, personally qualified to speak to that. I will say that it's a tragedy that Zimmerman died, because I would've much preferred to see him stand trial for this heinous act.

PATRICK WHITE: I absolutely agree.

(Cut to surgeons operating on Mayor Sarandon in a surgery room at Fletcher-Allen hospital. Mayor Sarandon is attached to an IV and has a ventilator in his mouth)

HEAD SURGEON: Alright, we have the sterile drapes in place, someone hand me the carbolic acid. (The nurse hands him the carbolic acid) Thank you.

(Pan over to reveal Mayor Sarandon's 75-year old mother Sydney standing near the surgeons with her hands on her face, weeping into tissues as she looks at her son being operated on)

SYDNEY SYRANDON: SAVE MY SON! HE'S A GOOD BOY! HE'S TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!

HEAD SURGEON: Who let the MOTHER in the operating room!?

(Cut to the Conveni-Mart. A man walks up to it and throws a trash can through the window, followed by other hooligans doing the same thing, while chanting "ding dong, Sarandon's gone". Mr. Conveni walks out of the store holding a broom)

MR. CONVENI: Stop it! This is chaos! How do you have so many trash cans?!

(One of the rioters throws a trash can at Mr. Conveni, knocking him over and unconscious and causing the rioters to go into the store and begin looting. Cut to Hansbay Town Center, Trey drives his truck into the fountain area and stops to get out with Colleen and Beckett)

TREY: Let's loot the Cheesecake Factory!

COLLEEN: You always steal my ideas…

(Trey and Colleen run over to the Cheesecake Factory and kick the doors in)

PARKER: I'll just take Milwaukee Joe's then.

(Cut to Trey and Colleen running out holding brown bread)

TREY: WE GOT VAGUELY CHOCOLATEY-TASTING BREAD, BITCHES!

(Cut to Bennie Lofgren swerving into a parking space outside a Burger Joint called "Lane's Burgers". He gets out)

BENNIE: HERE'S a burger joint around here! (Bennie takes a nearby recycling can and throws it at the window of the burger joint, but it bounces back at him) I don't need this! This plate glass is giving me grief! I'm leaving as we speak! G'bye!

(Bennie walks off, leaving his car idling there. Cut to Irville and a bunch of other tug boat employees standing near the shore of Lake Champlain, holding hands with their feet forward)

IRVILLE: If they try to take us down, we will strongly resist! If they strongly resist us, then we will take them down! If they take us down, we will strongly resist! If they are successful, we will take them down- (The tug boat employees begin to unclasp hands and disperse) Hey! Where are you guys going?

(A horde of rioters run toward Irville and trample him down. Cut to Ethan looking out the window of the hospital. He hears police sirens and smells fires burning)

ETHAN: Jesus Christ…they're rioting.

(Evan walks over to Ethan)

EVAN: I've read reports online that some of them are happy about it.

ETHAN: Sick fucks.

EVAN: A lot of them seem to think Brian's already dead.

ETHAN: Already? He won't die! Okay? People survive gun shots all the time, look at Tupac Shakur.

EVAN: He didn't survive his gunshot wounds-

ETHAN: No, I mean, literally, look at him! Over there!

(Evan looks over to see the Hologram of Tupac Shakur emanating from some device)

TUPAC SHAKUR: Yo, you be trippin' if you ain't covered, so go to the health insurance mothafuckin' market place and get yo' ass covered, you know what I'm sayin'? HAEEH!

EVAN: Apparently the HHS thinks Tupac spoke like a modern candy rapper.

ETHAN: Anyway, I think I need to get back to the Mayor's office.

EVAN: What? Why?

ETHAN: This surgery could take hours, and meanwhile, the city is burning around us. I need to assume my role as Acting Mayor so Brian can have a city to govern when he gets out of surgery.

EVAN: Do we have an incapacitation or death succession clause in our charter?

ETHAN: We do. We voted on it when Brian was on suicide watch following his wife's death ten years ago. Shit, come to think of it, Januaries are not good for him. One January his wife dies, nine Januaries later he goes on trial and the next January he gets shot. It's just not fair.

EVAN: You're awfully forgiving of someone like Brian, considering all the shit he's done. Having to put your ass on the line for him, having to deal with his cunning trickery and being defeated by him in a special election and stuff.

ETHAN: Well, yeah, he's a prick sometimes, but I don't want him to die. Anyway, I'm going to go sit behind his desk for a while.

EVAN: Cool.

ETHAN: Keep me updated.

(Ethan leaves the hospital. Cut to Ethan walking into the open-space area of the Hansbay Mayor's Office. Brian's secretary Valerie stands up with tears in her eyes)

VALERIE: Is he dead?!

ETHAN: Not yet. But the situation seems dire. We're holding out hope, though. In the meantime, I assuming duties as Mayor in his absence.

VALERIE: Oh. Of course, Mr. Mayor. (Valerie takes out a handle of Johnny Walker Black Label) Want some?

ETHAN: Yes.

(Valerie pours some in a cup for herself and for Ethan. Ethan sips on it, as does Valerie)

VALERIE: Hits hard, right?

ETHAN: Yeah, it really does. Tickles the throat. (A Molotov cocktail is thrown through the window into the office) FUCK!

(Valerie takes out a fire extinguisher from under her desk and puts out the cocktail)

VALERIE: Jeez.

ETHAN: Yeah, jeez is an understatement! The drive over was hellish, the city's descending into chaos!

VALERIE: I supposed it would only be right to retaliate.

(Valerie takes the Johnny Walker and sticks a rag in it)

ETHAN: No!

(Ethan takes it away from her)

VALERIE: What?!

ETHAN: Just, chill! Okay! I am acting Mayor, and I need to handle this situation.

VALERIE: This'll hit especially hard though!

ETHAN: NO incendiary devices, Valerie! Okay? Buzz me if you need me. (Ethan goes into Mayor Sarandon's office and sits behind the desk. He gets onto his computer, but it is password protected) Damnit. What would his password be? Let me try…Hansbay 2024. (He types that in, but it doesn't work) Damnit. Is it, please? Let me try. (He types in "please", but it doesn't work) Goddamnit. Uhh…(He looks over to a framed picture of 42-year old Mayor Sarandon and 37-year old Gloria Sarandon standing in front of the IRS building wearing shorts and short Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses. Ethan gazes at the picture, then takes the picture out of the frame and sees "Washington DC, December 2003". Ethan then looks confused. Then, a slip of paper drops out of the frame, which Ethan grabs and opens to read "Password: pretty please") Oh. (Ethan puts that stuff down and types the password in, gaining access to his account. He pulls up the phone numbers of various people) Does he seriously have the police listed? Ugh. Anyway.

(Ethan picks up the phone and dials a number. Cut to Burlington, Vermont Mayor Miro Weinberger sitting on his desk in his office, talking to a man in a suit)

MAN IN A SUIT: Mr. Mayor, I just don't think it can be done. People like the basketball courts to be policed constantly.

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Tom, you see these lips?

(He points to his lips)

TOM: Yeah.

MAYOR WEINBERGER: You see 'em?

TOM: Yeah!

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Not for long!

TOM: …What?

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Get out! I have to take this call. (The phone starts ringing) Ooh, I got a call!

TOM: How'd you do that?

(Mayor Weinberger picks up the phone)

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Hello?

ETHAN: (On the phone) Hello? Mayor Weinberger?

MAYOR WEINBERGER: S'up?

ETHAN: This is Ethan Donahue, the acting Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont, and sir, we need your help.

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Acting Mayor? Why? Did Sarandon finally keel over and die?

ETHAN: Jesus Christ, you asshole!

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Yeah, because he's a great dude.

ETHAN: Listen, we need your help, there are riots here!

MAYOR WEINBERGER: There are?

ETHAN: Yeah! Haven't you been watching the news? Sarandon was shot an hour ago!

MAYOR WEINBERGER: I don't watch the news anymore, it's depressing. I'm like that guy in Brooklyn's Finest, except I don't, stick a gun in my mouth every morning.

ETHAN: Great, well, (As Ethan is speaking, Mayor Weinberger slowly places a magnum handgun into his mouth) since the assassination attempt, there has been widespread rioting, looting and even worse, loitering. We need police assistance from- (Tom, the man in the room with Mayor Weinberger, mouths "what are you doing??" to him as he holds the magnum in his mouth) you guys so we may keep order.

(May Weinberger takes the gun out of his mouth)

MAYOR WEINBERGER: (To Tom) Relax, it's like, noon.

ETHAN: Pardon?

MAYOR WEINBERGER: (To Ethan) Nothing, uh, sure, we can go ahead and send a few gum shoes down there.

ETHAN: We're going to need a bigger boat.

MAYOR WEINBERGER: What?

ETHAN: I mean, we're going to need more than just a few "gum shoes".

MAYOR WEINBERGER: What are we talking?

ETHAN: Half your police force?

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Oh, so Donny and the boys. Got it. We'll send them right over.

ETHAN: Thank you, sir.

MAYOR WEINBERGER: You're welcome. I hope the Mayor pulls through.

ETHAN: No you don't.

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Yeah, I don't. But deep down, neither do you.

ETHAN: Fuck off.

(Ethan hangs up)

TOM: What the fuck was that?!

MAYOR WEINBERGER: Didn't I tell you to leave earlier?!

(Cut to Kimberly in her office on her cell phone)

KIMBERLY: Jesus, Ethan, that's awful. It's all over the news, too.

ETHAN: (On the phone) Yeah. He's in surgery still.

KIMBERLY: What are his chances?

ETHAN: I really couldn't tell you. He was shot at close range, twice, in the chest. It really just depends on whether he hit any vital organs, or whether the bullet hit a small bible or a flask or a flask disguised as a small bible.

KIMBERLY: Does he have those?

ETHAN: Tons. I've been looking through his desk drawers.

KIMBERLY: Well…if the worst does happen, God forbid, then-

ETHAN: I'll have to lead the city.

KIMBERLY: Yep. And even if he survives, God willing, then you'll have to serve in the interim while he recovers.

ETHAN: Yep. And if he does die and God's forbiddance is disregarded, then who'll pay for his funeral expenses? He doesn't have family.

KIMBERLY: He has one, God love her, ex-wife that's still alive, right?

ETHAN: Yeah, but she's rooting for the Grim Reaper right now.

KIMBERLY: Would Shelly do it?

ETHAN: She probably is financially restrained. No job, living with a brain damaged person.

KIMBERLY: Then I guess It'd have to be us.

ETHAN: …Wow. I really hope this isn't one of those lonely millionaire funerals. You know, the kind where there's one guy blowing a horn as they throw a wilted rose on the casket? And they have to hire Awards Show seat fillers to make it look good for the media?

KIMBERLY: I'm sure Brian has plenty of baby mommas who will be interested in attending to obtain Social Security survivor's benefits.

(Ethan chuckles)

ETHAN: Christ…why are we joking?

KIMBERLY: I don't know…I just can't believe this is happening.

ETHAN: Yeah…I could've been shot today, Kimmy. If that cop hadn't shot Zimmerman, it probably would've been me next.

KIMBERLY: Yeah…that's a scary thought.

ETHAN: Brian's a fighter. He's gonna make it.

KIMBERLY: I know.

ETHAN: I love you. Don't go home, it's dangerous here. Stay in Burlington until I give you the all-clear.

KIMBERLY: …Okay. Love you.

ETHAN: Love you, bye.

(Ethan hangs up and Kimberly hangs up as Luke comes in and leans against the door frame)

LUKE: You okay?

KIMBERLY: …Yeah. I'm fine.

LUKE: I'm sorry about Brian.

KIMBERLY: Yeah…I've known Brian for, twenty-two years or so. Never cared for him. And yet…I could not imagine life without him right now.

LUKE: Hmm. Reminds me of my old man. Biggest prick in Worcester. I won a spelling bee once, and he interrupted by asking me to spell "disappointment". I spelled it correctly and won the Spelling Bee. They carried him out on their shoulders for asking me to spell the word that made me win the Spelling Bee, but they left me in the auditorium and went to a nearby pub.

KIMBERLY: Sounds like your dad wasn't the only asshole at the school that night.

LUKE: Yeah. But, when he died back in 2006…it just seemed like the world was out of alignment, even though I had never been close to him and only visited him when my mum hid him in my closet every July for his birthday. I opened my closet the following July, and well, it just seemed like something was missing.

KIMBERLY: His decomposing corpse?

LUKE: Yeah, I guess.

(Cut to Ryan sitting in the corner of the KDGM studio on his phone)

RYAN: Okay, dad. Well I'm glad to hear everything is under control. However, I will mention that first-world anarchists are committing third world arson on cars outside my school right now.

ETHAN: I'll look into it. Stay safe. Love you, bye.

(Ethan hangs up)

RYAN: …Love you, too.

MRS. STEM: I'm sure the rioting will die down once the Mayor is actually dead.

(Chance checks his phone)

CHANCE: Some sources are saying he's already kicked the proverbial bucket.

(A loud sound is heard, startling everybody)

RYAN: FUCK!

BAILEY: What the hell was that?!

(Davis walks over to Mrs. Stem with his legs crossed as he continually pulls his shirt down)

DAVIS: Since we're all going to die anyway, I just wanted to say that I hated your skits TOO! So take THAT!

MRS. STEM: Are you pissing?

DAVIS: This shirt can only do for so long!

(Brennan, Sarah and Michael walk in)

SARAH: Ryan!

(Ryan gets up)

RYAN: Hey guys!

MRS. STEM: Wow, how many unauthorized visitors do you guys get when I'm not here?

CHANCE: Well, there's all the tied up girls in the sound room.

(Ryan points to Bailey)

RYAN: That's how I found this peach of a girl, actually.

(Chance and Ryan laugh)

BAILEY: Yeah.

CHANCE: She had moxy.

BRENNAN: Anyway, we're sorry to hear about your dad's dead boss.

RYAN: We don't know if he's dead yet.

MICHAEL: Dude, do you understand the chances of surviving being shot twice in the chest at close range?

BRENNAN: Hey, everybody, Michael has the answers to everything. Let's listen for fifteen minutes.

(Michael gives Brennan a dirty look)

RYAN: We get it, you guys hate each other now.

SARAH: Anyway, we just wanted to know how you're holding up.

RYAN: It's uh, it's definitely a shock. I haven't seen the Mayor in person in like, three months, but, he definitely looked, not bleeding to death when I last saw him.

BRENNAN: You see, that's never a good sign. It's like, ominous.

DAVIS: Can I go change?

MRS. STEM: We're locked down! How did you guys even get in here?

RYAN: Just, come here, Sarah.

SARAH: Why?

RYAN: Comfort me.

SARAH: Uh…'kay. (Sarah walks over there and hugs him. They awkwardly stand there, hugging) Is now good?

(Ryan takes his arms off of her)

RYAN: Jesus.

SARAH: What?! You know I'm bad about knowing when to end hugs!

RYAN: How about never?

DAVIS: That's, unsettling.

(Cut to the surgeons operating on Mayor Sarandon)

HEAD SURGEON: I just don't know how we're going to manage to keep this guy alive. He's at least going to go into a coma or something.

SURGEON: He's the Mayor! We have to keep him alive or we're all dead!

HEAD SURGEON: Does he have mob ties?

SURGEON: Probably!

HEAD SURGEON: Well, then we need to work quickly. Hand me the scissors.

(A nurse hands him a dull pair of small, elementary school scissors. Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting at a table in some sort of white limbo. He is wearing a suit and his torso is covered in blood)

MAYOR SARANDON: …What is happening? (He gets some blood on the tip of his finger and examines it) Blood? But…I didn't have blood last night. (Mayor Sarandon looks up to the ceiling to see a ceiling fan, running very slowly, but suddenly, the room becomes extremely windy, swirling random papers around as Mayor Sarandon holds onto the table) WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

(An alien being, with a large gray head, antennas with eyes atop them and tentacles seeping out of random places, appears and sits before Mayor Sarandon)

ALIEN: Hey.

MAYOR SARANDON: What the hell are you?!

ALIEN: My name is Gleesnax, but you can call me Julia.

MAYOR SARANDON: Wait, you seem like a guy though.

JULIA: We don't have your archaic gender roles on my planet, sir.

MAYOR SARANDON: That's, gross.

JULIA: I'm secreting puss onto the floor right now, and my rejection of gender roles is gross to you?

MAYOR SARANDON: So wait, am I looking at your eyes or your penis right now?

JULIA: Both, if you can believe that.

MAYOR SARANDON: Wow. So, let me ask you a question, Julia, how do you know English?

JULIA: Well, your TV signals traveled all the way to our galaxy, so we learned English through your popular culture.

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh. Hmm. (Awkward, seven-second silence) So, are-

JULIA: Sit on it.

(The alien poofs away)

MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus Chri-did he just quote Happy Days?

(Jesus appears before Mayor Sarandon)

JESUS CHRIST: What was that?

(Mayor Sarandon pushes back from the table)

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh Lord, I apologize! Wait…am I dead? (Jesus sits down) Oh my God-

JESUS CHRIST: Took His name in vain again.

MAYOR SARANDON: I'm dead! I was shot, wasn't I? Shot by Zimmerman! So is this Heaven, Jesus?

JESUS CHRIST: Son, I am not Jesus. I am merely an anesthetic hallucination conjured by your constant exposure to inaccurate European Jesus imagery.

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh…I'm surprisingly self-aware for a comatose person.

JESUS CHRIST: Indeed. But your work here on Earth isn't done. It can't be done. Especially since you'd probably go to Hell if it weren't done.

MAYOR SARANDON: But what if I don't pull through?

JESUS CHRIST: Well…then think of these people.

(The fan begins moving ever so slightly again, causing papers to fly everywhere as two shadowy figures enter)

MAYOR SARANDON: What is the fucking point of the wind?!

JESUS CHRIST: I don't know, man. Being comatose is basically just a long dream, weird shit is going to happen. Especially when Christ is in the house, did you know I walked on water?

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah…how was that a miracle by the way?

JESUS CHRIST: Excuse you?

MAYOR SARANDON: Like, it's cool, but how is it a miracle? It seems like you were just showing off.

JESUS CHRIST: You're on thin water, buddy.

(Jesus gets up and leaves as the two figures advance forward to reveal themselves as Brian's late father, 54-year old Spencer Sarandon and his late wife, 37-year old Gloria Sarandon)

MAYOR SARANDON: …Gloria? Dad?

SPENCER: Hello, Brian. Thanks for having us.

GLORIA: It's a pleasure.

(Mayor Sarandon gets tears in his eyes)

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God…

(Mayor Sarandon runs toward Gloria and hugs her, making her giggle)

GLORIA: Oh my, you haven't missed a meal since I've been gone.

MAYOR SARANDON: God, but I've missed you. (Mayor Sarandon looks at her) How has Heaven been?

GLORIA: Ehh. I don't know, I like seasons, so an eternity of spring kind of blows. Especially with my allergies.

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, you always had allergy problems.

GLORIA: Yeah, I heard Hell has at least SOME diversity in their weather, it's always either mind-numbingly cold or unbelievably hot.

MAYOR SARANDON: At least they change things up!

GLORIA: Yeah!

MAYOR SARANDON: Well…maybe if I die during this surgery, I'll take you there with me.

GLORIA: I'd like that.

MAYOR SARANDON: If you think about it, Satan is the real good guy. He punishes all the bad guys, and yet he's evil?! How does that work?

GLORIA: It doesn't!

MAYOR SARANDON: God, you're lovely. (Mayor Sarandon starts making out with Gloria. After a little bit of that, Spencer puts his hand on Brian's shoulder and Brian turns around) Hold on a second, dad.

SPENCER: Pardoon?

MAYOR SARANDON: Don't, say, pardon like that, and you're totally ghost-blocking me.

SPENCER: I just want to speak to you, son. It's been over twenty-six years since we last spoke.

(Mayor Sarandon sighs)

MAYOR SARANDON: Okay. (He turns to his father as he puts his arm around Gloria) How are you, dad?

SPENCER: Son…I look at the man you've become and I…I can't help but see parallels between you and my Uncle Jeffrey, who died two years before I was born. In prison.

MAYOR SARANDON: What are you trying to say?

SPENCER: I'm saying, that, seeing your record in the years since my death…I'm concerned that you'll end up in the same place.

MAYOR SARANDON: I was acquitted of all charges! I'm not corrupt anymore, I swear, dad! Not that you were the cleanest cut individual there ever was though.

SPENCER: That's true. I was a sleazy ad man before I was a sleazy Wall Street trader. So my point is, I don't want to see you go down the path of sleaze, shall you emerge from this alive.

MAYOR SARANDON: Honestly…I think…I don't want to go back. If this is the afterlife…being here with the only woman I've ever truly loved, and my father, and Jesus…I think I want to be dead. I think this is alright.

(Gloria sheds a tear)

GLORIA: This is all I've ever wanted.

(Mayor Sarandon leans in for a kiss, but then we cut to Mayor Sarandon suddenly opening his eyes in a hospital bed and taking a deep breath, zoom out to reveal his operating surgeon, his mother Sydney, Ethan and Evan)

HEAD SURGEON: The surgery was a success!

(They all cheer, except for Mayor Sarandon)

MAYOR SARANDON: What? What's going on?

SYDNEY: You're alive, honey! The surgeons say it's a miracle you survived!

MAYOR SARANDON: No, this isn't- (He coughs, which causes incredible pain) Oh! God, that fuckin' hurts.

HEAD SURGEON: Yeah, coughing will aggravate the stitches. So will laughing, sitting up, walking, talking, breathing and holding your breath.

MAYOR SARANDON: Am I paralyzed?

HEAD SURGEON: No, we don't think so, it didn't strike any of your vertebrae. However, you will have to undergo physical therapy and be off the job for, months, potentially.

ETHAN: And in the meantime, I'm keeping an eye on the city, so you just focus on getting better.

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh…Gloria…

SYDNEY: Huh?

MAYOR SARANDON: Nothing. Fuck. I was shot.

(Cut to black)

THE END





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