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The Donahues Episode 15

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Ryan hides from Dirk’s friends, who are thirsty for vengeance, and Michelle comes with him, and they fall in love in the process, while Brennan has a mental breakdown that results in him being near-fatally wounded after shooting Jim and running from the police


Submitted:Jun 8, 2012    Reads: 5    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"EMO WITHOUT A CAUSE PART 2"

TV-MA DLV

"Yell, shout, just burn-out, threaten that new dimension, and give it your all"

- Unknown

(We start with Ryan entering the house, left off from the previous episode. He walks into the living room to see Ethan passed out on the chair, with the television news on. Cut to the television news, where Patrick White is reporting)

PATRICK WHITE: Citizens of Vermont were shocked tonight when reports came in of a terrible accident at the White Ledge in Addison. Apparently, the accident took the life of local eighteen year old Dirk Jameson, a senior at Hansbay High School. Reportedly, the car went over the ledge and crashed on the ground below. The question is, how did this happen and who was involved, but more importantly, how will this affect President Obama's chances in November. For more on that, we have our senior Conservative columnist, Hannah Carpenter. (The camera pans to Hannah, who is sitting at the guest area of the news desk) Hello, Hannah.

HANNAH: Hello, Patrick.

PATRICK: How will this affect the President's chances?

HANNAH: Negatively. This tragic accident happened on his watch.

(Ryan turns off the television. Kimberly comes down)

KIMBERLY: Oh thank God, you're home!

(Kimberly hugs Ryan, and then looks at him)

RYAN: I'm here.

KIMBERLY: I was going to knock myself out with a wrench, but I didn't want to sleep until I knew you were safe.

RYAN: Can I talk to you guys? I really need to talk to somebody.

(Ethan wakes up)

ETHAN: Of course, Ryan-bo.

RYAN: What?

ETHAN: It's a nickname.

RYAN: Don't.

ETHAN: Okay.

RYAN: Listen…(Ryan walks up to the stair landing and sits down)…I'm in trouble.

ETHAN: Did you beat a homeless man to death?

KIMBERLY: Why do you jump to such strange conclusions?

RYAN: You know that bluff in Addison?

ETHAN: Yes, there was a bad accident there; they were talking about it on the news. You know, I really think Romney could pounce on this.

RYAN: I was involved.

KIMBERLY: WHAT? HOW?

RYAN: It doesn't matter how, I drove a car off a cliff and I jumped out.

KIMBERLY: Well, that's fucking WONDERFUL! NICE JOB!

ETHAN: Would you let him tell the story?

KIMBERLY: Do you enjoy doing this to us?

RYAN: Christ, dad, tell her to shut up!

ETHAN: I can't do that, her ovaries will shrivel.

RYAN: Dad, what's crazy, is that I prefer the days when you were a hardass.

ETHAN: Just tell us what happened!

RYAN: I told you earlier. It was a matter of honor. They called me a dog pussy, or something. The point is, I wanted to defend myself by committing near suicide. So I went to the bluff, a bunch of people there, friends, spectators, celebrity guest stars, well, Lief Garret.

ETHAN: Eh.

RYAN: So, Dirk got in one car, I got in the other, we drove to the edge of the bluff, I got out okay, and Dirk did not. His car flew off the cliff and crashed on the land below, likely fracturing his skull, breaking his spine, chest, neck, legs and hands on impact, causing hemorrhaging of the brain and other vital organs, resulting in his expiration.

KIMBERLY: My God.

RYAN: Yes. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

ETHAN: Good, you got it off your chest.

RYAN: That is NOT what I mean. Dad, I've never done anything right. I screwed up everybody's weekend last week, I was put into SPIHC, I'm not helpful around here, I made out with Michael at a park owned by Mormons-

ETHAN: What?

RYAN: I was arrested, I got into a knife fight, I did the chicken run, I do ecstasy and robitussin, I alienate people. When I was kidnapped and taken to Iraq a month and a half ago, we were in the forest about to do ecstasy for God's sakes. I'm self-centered, depressed, confused, I have an addictive personality and I'm obsessed with Michelle. And I feel like, you can't just go around and be content in a state like that, it just-

ETHAN: You're right.

RYAN: Doesn't work, you have to make changes and-

ETHAN: You're right, you're absolutely right.

RYAN: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! You're involved with this just like I am! Now, I'm going to the police and I'm going to tell them what happened.

ETHAN: NO! No, Ryan, you can't do that!

KIMBERLY: Christ, Ryan, are you serious?

RYAN: Yes! I want to do something right in my life for once!

KIMBERLY: Did anyone see you there?

ETHAN: Did they see your license plate? Wait, you don't even have a car!

RYAN: I took Jacob's.

ETHAN: And where is it now?

RYAN: The bottom of the bluff.

ETHAN: JESUS, RYAN!

KIMBERLY: Did anyone see Jacob's license plate?

RYAN: I don't know.

ETHAN: Did they see your driver's permit?

RYAN: No, probably not.

KIMBERLY: Did they see your birth certificate, your social security number, your credit card number?

RYAN: How the hell would they see any of that? Listen, I'm going to the police.

KIMBERLY: Why? Why should you be the only one involved?

ETHAN: You can't be idealistic all your life, Ryan!

RYAN: EXCEPT FOR YOURSELF!

ETHAN: Wait a minute!

RYAN: Except for yourself. I'm going to split, cool cats. Catch you on the flip.

(Kimberly runs in front of him as he tries to walk upstairs)

KIMBERLY: NO! I won't let you go to the police! I can't do another nickel.

RYAN: Mom, you never spent five years in prison.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, and I ain't doin' it again.

RYAN: You just agreed that you didn't do it, ever!

KIMBERLY: You can't go to the police.

RYAN: Well, luckily, the police station is not located on the second floor of this house.

KIMBERLY: You weren't the only one involved, why should you have to go?

RYAN: But, I WAS INVOLVED! WE WERE ALL INVOLVED!

(Ethan comes up behind him)

ETHAN: But YOU know that you did the wrong thing, and I'd say that's the majority of the virtue right there.

RYAN: That's nothing. I'm sure there are plenty of rapists who feel bad about what they did, but sure as shit not turning themselves in.

ETHAN: Okay, just shoot down my argument like that! Just call me out on it! Embarrass me in front of everybody, why don't you?

RYAN: Well, it was a bad argument, and what do you mean "everybody"? There's one other person here!

KIMBERLY: You can't go!

RYAN: Mom. A kid was killed tonight! I can't just pretend that didn't happen! Yes, he was a douche extraordinary but he was human! Remember, dad? The spider?

ETHAN: (Gulps) Yes, I remember, son.

KIMBERLY: It doesn't matter anyway, because YOU'RE GROUNDED AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE!

RYAN: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I'M GROUNDED?! I have to go tell the police!

KIMBERLY: NO, YOU ARE GROUNDED BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BEHAVE VIRTUOUSLY ALL THE TIME!

RYAN: WHAT YOU SHOULD BE ENCOURAGING THAT! Dad, stand up for me. (Ryan waits as Ethan sits don the window sill) Dad, stand up for me. (Waiting) Stand, now. Dad. (After more waiting, Ryan rushes to Ethan, grabs him by the collar) STAND UP! (Ryan carries Ethan down the stairs and tackles him onto the chair, which falls over, and Ryan chokes him as Kimberly runs over)

KIMBERLY: YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOUR OWN FATHER?!

(Kimberly pulls Ryan off of him, Ryan pushes her away, he runs for the door and kicks a painting out of the way, kicks the painting, pisses on the pointing and shoots the painting with a gun, and then runs out the door. Cut to the police station. Ryan walks up to it, while Grimes, Jim and two others are being escorted out by detectives. They give him dirty looks as he enters. Cut to inside. Duncan is taking down somebody's story at the desk when Ryan comes in)

RYAN: Excuse me? I need to report something-

DUNCAN: AY! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WRITIN' SOMETHIN' OVA' 'ERE?! NOW GO SUCK AN ELONGATED DONKEY DICK YA CUM-COVERED PUNK!!

RYAN: Wow, really, really crass.

DUNCAN: AW, FUCK OFF WITH YA!

(Ryan gets out his phone and punches in a number. Cut to Frank and Erica Reed in separate beds in the bedroom. The home phone rings, and Frank gets up to answer it)

FRANK: Hello? Can't you see I'm in a different bed than my wife here? Who wants her? Who? Ryan who? I never heard of ya!

(Frank hangs up the phone. Cut to Michelle, who was watching through a sliver of the door)

MICHELLE: He didn't have to hang up on him. He didn't have to cut him out. Make it out like it never happened and that they were nothing. He doesn't need his love, but he treats him like a stranger and he feels so rough. No, he didn't have to stoop so low. Have his friends collect his record and change his number. I guess he doesn't need that though. Now he's just somebody that he used to know….what am I talking about?

(Cut to Jim, Grimes and one other talking outside the Hansbay police station)

JIM: He's in there to report all of us.

GRIMES: He's snitching, Aaron.

AARON: No snitching.

JIM: None, son.

GRIMES: Snitchin' be bad!

AARON: Straight up!

JIM: Man, I bought so many albums based on the "no snitching" thing.

AARON: Well, it's a movement. I'm sure Martin Luther King released "I Have a Dream" records.

GRIMES: Well, the point is, we got to get this guy once he's not near a police station. Let's roll.

(They exit stage right. Cut to Ryan's car pulling up to Michelle's house, where Michelle is sitting on the side, waiting. Ryan gets out of the car to greet her. Metal is playing on the radio)

RYAN: Hey.

MICHELLE: Hey.

RYAN: I tried calling you, but your dick dad wouldn't hand over the phone.

MICHELLE: Why didn't you call my cell phone?

RYAN: …Damnit. I keep forgetting it's not 1955.

MICHELLE: It's okay.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: (Over the radio) This next song is dedicated to Ryan, from Dirk. Take it away!

(The radio plays "Let the Bodies hit the floor" by Drowning Pool)

RYAN: Jesus. Not very subtle.

MICHELLE: No, not at all.

RYAN: It's a good song, though.

MICHELLE: Ryan, they're clearly sending the message that they want to beat the crap out of you, or worse.

RYAN: (Singing) Beaten, why for? Can't take much more! Here we go, here we go, here we go,

MICHELLE: Ryan!

RYAN: (Singing) One, nothing wrong with me, two, nothing wrong with me, three, nothing wrong with me-

MICHELLE: Ryan! Something clearly is wrong with you, they want to kill you and you're not concerned.

RYAN: I am concerned. But I'm more concerned about you. How're you feeling since Dirk went?

MICHELLE: I just feel…numb. But not the kind of numb you feel constantly 24/7,

RYAN: Right.

MICHELLE: I feel like…I don't really care that much. I mean, it's sad for his family and friends and all, and lord knows my condolences go out for them, but you were right. He was a douche. I was foolish for getting together with him, twice.

RYAN: Well, I'm glad you recognize that.

MICHELLE: And, you know what, Ryan? You know what I like about you? You're funny, you're interesting and most importantly, you're sincere. That's rare nowadays. (Ryan leans in and kisses Michelle on the forehead, and then leans back) Why did you do that?

RYAN: I felt like it.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: This next song is also dedicated to Ryan, from Dirk.

SINGER: (Singing) I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, RYAN! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! JAM YOUR FACE INTO AN APPLE PIE!

RYAN: How is that a song?

MICHELLE: Also, jamming your face into an apple pie does not sound that threatening.

SINGER: (Singing) YOU BETTER PREPARE TO PAY WHEN WE PELT YOU WITH CLAY!

RYAN: This guy's really bad at threats.

(Ryan gets up and turns the radio off)

MICHELLE: What are we going to do?

RYAN: I don't know. But I do know one thing. I'm not going to pay for gas-

MICHELLE: I'm never going back! Wait, what?

RYAN: I said I'm not going to pay for gas.

MICHELLE: Oh, I thought you were going to say you're not going back to that zoo.

RYAN: No, I didn't say that.

MICHELLE: Alright then.

RYAN: Well, I know a place we can go. It's one of Mayor Sarandon's mansions that he doesn't use anymore.

MICHELLE: You mean the one in the Hamptons?

RYAN: No, there's one in Burlington.

MICHELLE: Is there security?

RYAN: None at all. Let's go.

(Ryan and Michelle jump into the car. Cut to Brennan driving a moped up to his house. He sees Jim, Grimes and Aaron in his front yard, and then tries to get away, but they restrain him and take him off the moped)

GRIMES: WHERE'S RYAN?!

AARON: WHERE DOES HE LIVE?!

BRENNAN: I DON'T KNOW!!

JIM: TELL US!!

(Brennan frees himself and runs to the door, and they run after him, but he gets inside before they can get him)

GRIMES: Damnit!

AARON: Wait guys! I saw his social security number at the chicken run!

JIM: How?

AARON: For whatever reason, his social security card was sticking out of his back pocket.

GRIMES: Well, what is it?

AARON: 538-40-1313.

JIM: How is that going to help us?

AARON: If we contact the social security administration, they'll give us his address!

JIM: That's genius.

(Cut to a bald man in bed. The phone goes off and he rolls over to pick it up)

BALD MAN: Hello?

AARON: (Over the phone) Is this Social Security Administrator Michael Astrue?

MICHAEL ASTRUE: (Yawn) Yes.

AARON: Hi. What is the address of the person with the social security number 538-40-1313?

MICHAEL ASTRUE: 1190 Lake Drive, Hansbay, Vermont, 05401.

AARON: Thanks, bro.

MICHAEL ASTRUE: Mm.

(He hands up the phone and goes back to sleep. Cut to Aaron hanging up his cell phone with Jim and Grimes outside Brennan's house)

AARON: That was easy. Let's go.

(They exit stage left. Cut to Brennan running upstairs while Sidney, his black nanny berates him)

SIDNEY: What the hell was all that commotion out there, Brennan?

(Cut to Brennan's room. He runs in and takes a gun from underneath his pillow. Sidney comes in)

SIDNEY: Brennan, why you gotta be hanging out with bad boys like that all the time? Heaven knows they could've been a bunch of psychiatrists! (Sidney notices the gun) Brennan, unless you goin' out to shoot some psychiatrists, give me that gun before you hurt yourself!

BRENNAN: I have to warn him!

(Brennan runs out of the room as Sidney chases him)

SIDNEY: Stay home, Brennan! Brennan!

(Cut to Ethan drinking water in the bathroom while Kimberly sits on the bed, worrisome. A pounding noise is heard)

KIMBERLY: What is that noise?

ETHAN: Nothing at all, Kim, don't worry about it.

KIMBERLY: Go downstairs and check.

ETHAN: Fine. (Ethan goes downstairs while Kimberly follows. Ethan opens the door to see a severed dog vagina hanging in front of him, while Grimes, Jim and Aaron sit in trees in his front yard) What the fuck is this?!

AARON: It's a dog vagina, old man, because your son is a dog pussy.

ETHAN: Who the hell are you people?! How did you sever a dog vagina?!

GRIMES: It takes skill.

ETHAN: Yeah, and psychopathy.

JIM: Where's your baby boy Ryan?

ETHAN: He's not here! Leave, you idiots!

(Aaron, Grimes and Jim run away. Ethan puts his head in his hands as Kimberly comes out too)

KIMBERLY: They left a severed dog vagina hanging over our door?

ETHAN: …Yeah.

(Brennan drives up on his moped)

BRENNAN: Mr. Donahue!

ETHAN: Brennan!

BRENNAN: Do you know where Ryan is?

ETHAN: No! Do you?

BRENNAN: No. Damnit. Bye.

(Brennan speeds away. Cut to Ryan and Michele breaking into Mayor Sarandon's abandoned mansion. Ryan kicks through the glass and opens the door from the inside. They go in there, when Brennan runs up, and Ryan lets him in)

BRENNAN: They're looking for you!

RYAN: We know. That's why we came here.

BRENNAN: Michelle's here too?

RYAN: Yeah. You know, Mayor Sarandon sure does have a lot of self-portraits.

BRENNAN: Yeah, and for whatever reason, most of them are him with nipples drawn.

RYAN: (Laughs) Put those things away, nobody wants to see you on a tiger carpet.

MICHELLE: (Laughs) He probably ate the tiger.

BRENNAN: (Laughs) Wow, a junkie would love this place.

RYAN: Why?

BRENNAN: Because it's not hard to find a vain.

RYAN: OHH!

MICHELLE POP!

BRENNAN: BOOM!

RYAN: That was good.

BRENNAN: So, what do you think of my mansion?

RYAN: Wow!

MICHELLE: Goodness!

RYAN: It's terrific, but honey, would you like to buy or rent?

MICHELLE: You should decide, honey, no place for a woman to be making big decisions like that, my ovaries will shrivel!

RYAN: Yes they will, I learned that from my dad.

MICHELLE: But what about our budget?

BRENNAN: Don't give it a thought! Washington hasn't!

RYAN: OHH!

BRENNAN: Plus, this place is only three million dollars a month.

MICHELLE: We can manage that! I'll scrimp, I'll save, I'll work my fingers to the bone.

RYAN: You might have to suck dick for cash, too.

MICHELLE: That's just one option in a litany of career options.

RYAN: That's true, there is a plethora of dicks you can suck.

BRENNAN: You guys seem set on the dick-sucking thing.

RYAN: Well, you see, we're newlyweds. We figure, we're going to hate each other eventually anyway, so why not start now by making her become a whore?

BRENNAN: Makes sense.

MICHELLE: What about children?

BRENNAN: Right this way. (Brennan leads Michelle and Ryan to an empty swimming pool in the backyard) We really don't encourage them. They can be so troublesome and annoying when they cry. Don't you agree?

RYAN: Yes. I WANT TO DROWN 'EM.

MICHELLE: Whoa, too far.

RYAN: Sorry.

BRENNAN: You'll see this is a wonderful arrangement.

RYAN: Empty, no easy way to get out, just throw some chicken down there every so often, he or she will be fine.

BRENNAN: The only problem is, they won't have constant media bombardment, so you might want to establish an internet connection or a television in here somewhere, so we can make sure they're told what they want.

RYAN: True. We won't even have to talk to them.

MICHELLE: Talk to them? Nobody talks to children.

RYAN: No, they just tell them.

(They all laugh. Then they all run around the pool, chasing each other and laughing, and they all run over to a bench, where Ryan and Michelle hug, and Brennan awkwardly sits by. Ryan then lays his head on Michelle's lap)

BRENNAN: This has been really cool, guys.

RYAN: Yeah, it's been great. Although, I am kind of freaked out by that overdosed prostitute in the corner over there.

(Pan to a prostitute lying on the ground. She suddenly gets up and wipes white foam off her mouth)

PROSTITUTE: Mr. Mayor? Where are you? Where's Greg Giraldo? Robert Byrd? Dick Clark? Where is everybody?

RYAN: How long has she been passed out?!

(Cut to Jim, Grimes and Aaron pulling up to the mansion)

JIM: Looks like Ryan's car, eh?

(Cut to Ryan and Michelle on a couch in the mansion. Michelle is on Ryan's chest and Ryan's arms are around her)

MICHELLE: Is this what it's like to love somebody?

RYAN: I don't know.

MICHELLE: What kind of person do you think a woman should want?

RYAN: Another woman.

MICHELLE: What?

RYAN: I mean, a man.

MICHELLE: Yes. But a man who is gentle and sweet. Like you are.

RYAN: And emo? Cynical? Aggrieved?

MICHELLE: It doesn't matter to me. I love somebody. All this time I've been waiting for somebody to love me. And now I love somebody. And it's so easy. Why is it so easy?

RYAN: I don't know. But it's easy for me, too.

MICHELLE: I love you, Ryan. I really mean it.

RYAN: I love you too.

(They start making out. Cut to Brennan asleep on the bench with Jim, Grimes and Aaron surrounding him, holding chains)

AARON: Hey, emo kid!

(Brennan wakes up and gets up quickly)

GRIMES: Where's Ryan?

(Brennan runs away from them and runs into the pool, and they follow he throws large white objects at them, and fights them off with a pool pump. He then jumps out of the pool, using some tables as cover. He then runs into the house and slides under the piano. Jim, Grimes and Aaron come in with flashlights looking for him. They go around the house, and once they are no longer in the room Brennan is in, Brennan takes out his gun and crawls out from underneath the piano. He walks around to the stair banister and leans against a door)

BRENNAN: (Crying) Save me…save me…I don't want to die with my hair messed up like this…

(As he is doing this, Jim comes down the stairs, brandishing a gun. Brennan looks a Jim and shoots him on sight. Jim falls down the stairs, dead. Then, Ryan comes out of a door)

RYAN: What's with the noise? Trying to get my D wet back, here, bro! (Brennan turns around and shoots at Ryan, who ducks) WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

BRENNAN: Sorry, I thought you were someone else!

RYAN: I HAD COMPLETED A WHOLE SENTENCE BY THE TIME YOU SHOT AT ME, YOU COULD'VE ASCERTAINED THAT IT WAS ME AT THAT POINT!

BRENNAN: WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!

RYAN: I'M SORRY!

BRENNAN: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!!

RYAN: I KNOW THAT, NORMAN IS YOUR FATHER!

BRENNAN: NO HE ISN'T!

RYAN: HOW?

BRENNAN: I WAS ADOPTED!

RYAN: Oh. I'm sorry about that.

(Connie and Duncan enter wielding guns)

CONNIE: Halt, son.

BRENNAN: Son? Are you my real father?

CONNIE: What? No.

BRENNAN: Oh. THEN FUCK YA!

(Brennan and Ryan run away)

CONNIE: Halt! Who am I kidding, that never works. (He shoots his gun up in the air) That's better.

(Connie and Duncan keep running. Cut to the planetarium. Brennan runs up to its door with his gun, smashes the glass and opens it from the inside. He goes inside. Connie runs up to the door)

CONNIE: Come out with your hands up, son! You're making this harder than it needs to be. Plus, my shift was supposed to be over an hour ago, so stop wasting my time. I got a birthday dinner with my daughter in the morning. Jesus, she's a train wreck.

(Connie tries to open the door but he cannot. Police cars pull up, one of them containing Detective Kallas and Ethan and Kimberly. Kallas comes out and Connie comes up to him)

CONNIE: We got a 10-45 with an 11-39 on a KHL 2-Bop Alligator Adam niner, niner.

KALLAS: What the fuck are you talking about?

CONNIE: Sorry, there's an armed juvenile in there with a gun. He shot a kid earlier.

KALLAS: Okay. Ethan? Kimberly?

ETHAN: Yes?

KALLAS: This has nothing to do with your son, but we need to take care of this, so just wait there.

ETHAN: No problem! I don't mind a good ol' fashioned stand-off.

KIMBERLY: What is wrong with you?

(Ryan and Michelle run into the planetarium)

KALLAS: HOLD YOUR FIRE!

(Cut to a policeman with a flame-thrower)

POLICEMAN: Damnit!

(Cut back to Kallas, who takes out a megaphone)

KALLAS: (Through megaphone) Attention officers, a boy and a girl just ran into the planetarium; hold your positions until further instruction. This message was brought to you by Coke Zero™©®, real Coke taste, zero calories.

KIMBERLY: Are you serious?

ETHAN: Detective! That was my son and his boss that just ran in there!

KALLAS: What?!

KIMBERLY: Yeah, that was them!

KALLAS: Jesus.

(Cut to inside the planetarium. Brennan is in the back row. Ryan enters)

RYAN: Brennan? Brennan? Are you there?

BRENNAN: I'm here.

RYAN: How are you?

BRENNAN: I'm fine.

RYAN: Buddy, you're not fine. There's police out there, you killed a kid like ten minutes ago, you're in huge trouble.

BRENNAN: You're not being nearly patronizing enough for my liking.

RYAN: (Deep breath) Fine. Brennan, can I see you? I can't talk to you if I can't see you, Brennan.

BRENNAN: Yes, you actually can, sight is not necessary for communication, what do you think a phone is?

RYAN: Calm down, buddy. Just, show yourself. I want to see you. Everybody out there just wants to see you safe. And they have a parade planned for you. President Obama's out there ready to give you a medal of honor and System of a Down is ready to perform an impromptu set once you come out.

(Brennan shows himself, still wielding the gun)

BRENNAN: Really?

RYAN: Really.

BRENNAN: C'mon. System of a Down isn't out there.

RYAN: (Chuckles) Fine, it's Three Days Grace.

BRENNAN: I knew it.

RYAN: Brennan, let me see that gun.

BRENNAN: Why?

RYAN: Antiques Roadshow is also out there, I want to see how old that thing is.

BRENNAN: My mother loves antiques road show. Here you go.

(Brennan hands Ryan the gun, who looks at it, turns around, takes out the clip, puts it in his pocket and hands it back)

RYAN: It was manufactured in 2007; it's got to be worth something.

BRENNAN: Probably.

RYAN: Listen, buddy. You should come out. They all just want to see you safe, and if you come out with that gun, they're going to use bullets to make you safe. By killing you with them.

BRENNAN: I'm not ready to come out yet.

RYAN: I mean come out of the planetarium.

BRENNAN: That's what I mean too.

RYAN: Oh. Well, c'mon, buddy. The President's a busy man, don't keep him waiting.

BRENNAN: Fine.

(Brennan walks over to Ryan, and they walk out of the room to see Michelle)

BRENNAN: Hi, Michelle.

MICHELLE: Hi, Brennan.

(They walk towards the door, and Brennan freezes in his tracks when he sees the lights)

BRENNAN: Those lights! Tell them to turn out those lights!

RYAN: Okay, fine. (Ryan comes out the door) HEY! TURN OUT THOSE LIGHTS! WE'LL COME OUT IF YOU TURN OUT THE LIGHTS!

KALLAS: OKAY! TURN THE LIGHTS TO FUNKY PURPLE!

(The lights turn purple)

RYAN: NO, JUST TURN THEMOUT!!

KALLAS: HOW DOES BLUE BLAST SOUND TO YOU?!

RYAN: TURN THE FUCKING LIGHTS OFF!

KALLAS: FINE! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!

(The lights are turned off. Ryan goes back, and leads Brennan to the door)

BRENNAN: Wait! I don't see the President! I don't see a parade! I don't see Three Days Grace!

RYAN: Hold on. (Ryan goes out there) HEY! GET ONE OF THE BLACK COPS TO PUT ON A SUIT AND HOLD A MEDAL, SOMEONE START BANGING THE CAR HOOD TO SIMULATE A DRUM IN A PARADE, AND GET SOME GUITARS AND PLAY "LET'S START A RIOT"!

KALLAS: NO!

CONNIE: THE SHORTER EMO KID HAS A GUN STILL!

(They turn on the lights)

RYAN: NO! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!

KALLAS: FUNKY PURPLE!

(The lights turn funky purple)

RYAN: CHRIST! (Brennan runs out with the gun, and the cops shoot him in the chest) NOOO! THERE'S NO GODDAMN CLIP IN THERE!!

(Paramedics, cops, Detective Kallas, Ryan, Michelle, Ethan and Kimberly rush over)

PARAMEDIC: He's alive, but we need to get him to a hospital, NOW!

RYAN: Thank God!

(Ethan and Kimberly come over and hug Ryan)

ETHAN: Ryan, thank God you're okay. Whatever challenges face us, we'll face them together. I'll be as strong as you want me to be.

RYAN: (Crying) Okay.

ETHAN: For instance, if a tiger comes our way, I'll jump on its back while you kick its nose. That's the best way to kill a tiger.

RYAN: (Crying) I sincerely doubt a tiger is going to come our way, but that's fine.

KIMBERLY: I'm so glad you're okay.

(Paramedics take Brennan away)

RYAN: BYE BRENNAN! YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT, BUDDY!

KIMBERLY: He's going to be fine.

(Sidney comes over)

SIDNEY: What kinda head-shrinker would do this to my baby?!

ETHAN: It was a cop.

(The three of them stop hugging)

RYAN: Mom, dad. You've met Michelle.

ETHAN: Yes, of course.

KIMBERLY: Hi, Michelle.

RYAN: Well, we're together now.

ETHAN: YES!

KIMBERLY: Wonderful!

ETHAN: My God, when you said you made out with Michael in that park, I was really worried.

RYAN: You still should be worried than because I did do that.

ETHAN: Shut up, Ryan. Congratulations, you two!

MICHELLE: Thank you.

RYAN: Yeah, thanks. Maybe it's just me, but I still feel like we're forgetting something.

(Cut to inside a storm drain, where Michael and Sarah are sitting down)

MICHAEL: I'm going to murder Peter and Lilly when we get out of here.

SARAH: They told us there was going to be a Devil's Niece concert down here.

MICHAEL: And we didn't believe them, because it turned out to be Three Day's Grace.

(Pan over to Adam Gontier, the lead singer of Three Day's Grace)

ADAM GONTIER: Whatever, man. Hey, I'm late for a set outside the planetarium for some deranged kid with a gun named Brennan Sanford; do you know how I could get there?

(Their eyes widen. The camera pans out from the storm drain and goes to a bird's eye view of the neighborhood, and then the words "THE END-SPECIAL THANKS TO ALL THOSE WHO MADE REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE, A TERRIFIC PIECE OF CINEMATIC HISTORY", and then fade to black)

THE END





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