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The Donahues Episode 18

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Hansbay High School lets out for the summer, a meatball prank puts Logan in detention for three hours after school, Adam and Britney reveal Britney’s pregnancy to Adam’s parents, Adam holds a summer party at his house, a party which Ryan and his friends are invited to in Jacob’s stead, there, Brennan has an interesting entanglement with Elisa, Ryan deals with a drunken Michelle, Logan proposes a trip to Sarah and Ryan tries to bridge a gap between his friends and Michelle’s.


Submitted:Jun 12, 2012    Reads: 44    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"THE BACK ROOM"

TV-MA DLS

"Sworn to secrecy. Snow quickly covers my tracks. No one will follow."

  • CDSinex

(We start with the front office at Hansbay High. A thin man with brown hair in his mid-30s walks up to the receptionist at the desk. Her nametag says "Morgan")

MORGAN: Good morning, sir.

MAN: Hi, I'm here to pick up my son, Adam Horn.

MORGAN: Of course. Let me check in our files. (Morgan reaches down to a cupboard and opens it, when suddenly, a bunch of meatballs spill out) What the fuck? (She goes back up, holding two meatballs) You want meatballs?

ADAM'S DAD: Um, no…?

MORGAN: Here they are, dickface!

(Morgan starts throwing meatballs at Adam's dad)

ADAM'S DAD: WHOA! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! OW!

(Cut to Principal Maxell in his office. He gets up and opens a cabinet, causing a bunch of meatballs to spill out, all over his suit)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: GODDAMNIT! The meatballs aren't supposed to go there! They're for my bottom drawer! WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!

(Cut to Josh opening up his locker, spilling a bunch of meatballs everywhere)

JOSH: My dad was right. I am a walking target. (Lilly, Beckett, Adam, Kirsten and Ross open their lockers at the same time in the background and meatballs spill out) Well, that makes me feel a little better.

(Cut to Jacob sitting in Principal Maxell's office, across from him at his desk)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Mr. Donahue, I am so unbelievably disappointed in your behavior.

JACOB: Mr. Maxell, how do you know that I did it?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Because security camera footage outside the school showed you signing for a truckload of meatballs at 2:30 AM last night!

JACOB: Oh. Yeah, maybe I should've been more discreet.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You are in BIG trouble, young man.

JACOB: What are you going to do? It's the last day of school!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I'm going to make you stay after.

JACOB: …Excuse me?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yeah. For three hours. Does that butter your bread?

JACOB: Sir, I will do literally anything else. I'll marry your daughter.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I only have a son. And by the way, you ruined copy of my son's birth certificate with your goddamn meatballs!

(He holds up a sauce-covered Vermont birth certificate)

JACOB: I'm sorry, sir, but why don't you just get another copy?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well, the original also got meatball sauce on it.

(He puts the birth certificate copy away and holds up a sauce-covered original birth certificate)

JACOB: Why did you hold the copy up first?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Because the original was actually ruined by my meatballs, but the point is, this three-hour after school detention is the worst thing we can legally do to you. I want to strangle you. You ruined my college degree! Now I have to go back to MIT. Thanks!

JACOB: I don't think that's how it works.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Room 103B, after school. Be there or be fucked. OUT!

(Jacob quickly gets up and exits the room. Cut to Ryan taking the history exam in Mr.. Cut to the following question on the exam)

42. What is the difference between two coins and one coin?

A. Different colors

B. They both make three coins

C. One has President Carter on it and the other has President Fillmore

D. Mila Kunis

(Cut to a confused Ryan)

RYAN: None of these seem right.

MR. DANIELS: Shh!

RYAN: Sorry.

(Cut to Adam's dad driving Adam home)

ADAM'S DAD: So, you finished all your exams, huh?

ADAM: Yes, dad.

ADAM'S DAD: Good for you. Did you do well on them?

ADAM: Yes. Especially the health exam.

ADAM'S DAD: That's good.

ADAM: I did really well on the reproductive health part of that exam, particularly.

ADAM'S DAD: Okay…

ADAM: The part about pregnancy and all that.

ADAM'S DAD: Well, that's important information.

ADAM: Hey dad, can we pick up some Prego™©® sauce at the store?

ADAM'S DAD: Sure.

ADAM: Did you turn the oven off when you left?

ADAM'S DAD: I don't think it was on.

ADAM: Oh, because I thought someone had a bun in the oven.

ADAM'S DAD: I don't think so.

ADAM: Dad, remember when Britney Spears was pregnant?

ADAM'S DAD: Yeah, what a slut.

ADAM: Oh, Jesus.

(Cut to Ryan laying back in his chair, waiting for the bell to ring. The bell rings, and he and the rest of the class leap up from their chairs and run out the door)

MR. DANIELS: Have a great summer! Don't be fucking assholes!

(Cut to Ryan on the bus, looking out the window and as the bus moves. Suddenly, Ross sits next to him)

ROSS: Hello, Ryan.

RYAN: Uh, hey, Ross. What do you want?

ROSS: Well, seeing as Jacob has after-school detention for three hours for the little stunt he pulled, we're wondering if you wanted to fill in for him at Adam's summer party.

RYAN: Uh, sure. Absolutely, can I bring my friends?

(Beckett appears from behind the bus seat)

BECKETT: As long as they don't fag up the place too much. I'm going to need to re-apply fag screen every half an hour.

RYAN: What is fag screen?

ROSS: It protects against Andy Sixx rays.

RYAN: Ah.

BECKETT: You and your friends in?

RYAN: Yeah, sure. We were just going to watch anime and get high tonight anyway, so this should be more exciting.

BECKETT: Exponentially more exciting.

RYAN: How…how do you know that word?

(Cut to Jacob in detention. Mr. Guglielmo is sitting at a desk in an empty room save for Jacob who is sitting at a desk, bored)

JACOB: Ugh…

MR. GUGLIELMO: Trust me, kid. I don't like this any more than you do. We get summers off too, you know.

JACOB: What do you do for summer?

MR. GUGLIELMO: We read books, take walks, watch TV, play golf, eat, sleep, eat while sleeping and sleep while eating.

JACOB: Wow. Being an adult sounds really boring.

MR. GUGLIELMO: Yes.

(Cut to Adam and his father entering their home. Adam's dad comes in and he is greeted by his wife as Adam sits on the couch)

ADAM'S MOM: Hello, Trey.

TREY: Hello, Darcy.

(They kiss)

DARCY: What's wrong, Adam?

ADAM: What? Nothing, nothing. Hey, is it alright if I have a summer party here tonight?

TREY: Of course, we're going out tonight anyway, it's Derek and Kelly's 10th wedding anniversary.

DARCY: Oh, they are a riot!

(Trey and Darcy laugh)

ADAM: Yes. Great. Thanks.

DARCY: What's wrong, Adam? You seem distracted.

ADAM: I'm not. I'm not at all, I just think I'm going to throw up.

TREY: What?

(Adam runs to the bathroom, closes the door and vomit noises are heard)

TREY: What the hell? (Trey runs to the door) ADAM? BUDDY? YOU ALRIGHT?

ADAM: YEAH! (Vomits) I'M FINE! (Vomit) THIS IS THE SOUND OF A PERSON BEING FINE! (Vomits)

(Cut to Ryan being dropped off at house by the bus. The bus drives away as he walks to his front door. He opens his front door to see Sarah, Michael and Brennan, who has bandages around the area he got shot)

SARAH: Hey!

MICHAEL: What's going on??

BRENNAN: We're here! (Holds his wound) Ow!

RYAN: Hey guys.

SARAH: So, what kind of X are we taking and what anime are we watching?

RYAN: Uh, yeah, actually, we are going to party with Jacob's friends at Adam's house, is that kosh?

BRENNAN: But, they hate us, they call us faggots and they ask us "Why ah pants so tight?"

SARAH: Plus, Beckett is stupid.

RYAN: Not that stupid! He said the word "exponentially" today.

MICHAEL: That's a good word.

BRENNAN: I don't know, I was kind of looking forward to getting high and watching anime in the dark with you guys, then taking off our shirts and being really homoerotic.

RYAN: You know I can't do that anymore, I have a girlfriend. And by the way, she's getting back from Colorado today anyway, so she can just meet me at the party! I'll text her.

SARAH: Are we even invited?

RYAN: Yeah, he invited us because Jacob has to stay after school because of the meatball prank he pulled this morning.

BRENNAN: That's awesome.

MICHAEL: Listen, I'm the one with the loosest pants here, so I'll be the bridge between emoville and douchebag land.

RYAN: Great. Should we bring the X?

SARAH: Are you pullin' my balls?

RYAN: What?

SARAH: You pullin' my balls?

BRENNAN: What Sarah is trying to say is that Jacob's friends don't do E, they drink and smoke weed.

RYAN: Fair enough. Let's go.

(Cut to Jacob throwing a ball up and down in the air, sitting at his desk during detention. He throws it up and down several times, but once it bounces out of his hand and goes across the room. He begins to get up)

MR. GUGLIELMO: No getting up!

JACOB: Are you serious?!

MR. GUGLIELMO: Quite.

JACOB: What if I have to go to the bathroom?

MR. GUGLIELMO: We told you not to drink too much water before this!

(Jacob sighs. Cut to Adam coming out of the bathroom and seeing his parents)

TREY: What's wrong, Adam?

DARCY: Are you sick?

ADAM: No. I, uh, need to call someone and then I'll talk to you guys.

TREY: Okay, but hurry up about it, Derek and Kelly are bringing their friend Clark, and he is a card!

DARCY: An absolute card!

TREY: We don't want to miss that card!

ADAM: Okay…(Adam goes into the other room and gets out his phone and calls Britney, who answers) Hey. It's me.

BRITNEY: (On the phone) Clark?

ADAM: What, no-who's Clark?

BRITNEY: He's a friend of your parents' friends, he's a card.

ADAM: Great, no, it's me, Adam. I need to you to come over, I'm going to tell them and I want you here.

BRITNEY: Oh, Jesus. Adam, I haven't even told my parents yet. Do you have any idea how hard it has been carrying this around? I have a hole in my gut!

ADAM: This will set you free then! We'll tell your parents together as well.

BRITNEY: What about the party?

ADAM: It'll cheer us up afterwards!

BRITNEY: Okay, fine, I'll be right over.

(Adam hangs up. Adam walks into the other room)

ADAM: Hey, Britney's coming over, we have something to tell you guys.

TREY: Okay.

DARCY: Got it.

(They wait for a few seconds. The doorbell rings)

ADAM: COME IN!

(Britney comes in and goes to the room)

BRITNEY: Hi.

DARCY: Hi, Britney.

TREY: Hello, Britney.

ADAM: Let's have a seat over here.

(They all walk to an area with some couches. Adam and Britney sit right next to each other, holding hands, while Trey and Darcy sit down as well)

TREY: What is this about? We have a card riot to get to or whatever.

ADAM: Um, dad, we have some news. Some very serious news. Britney?

BRITNEY: Yes, this is your family, so I think you should tell them. Adam?

ADAM: Fair enough. Dad, Britney is pregnant.

(They both gasp)

TREY: Who impregnated you?!

BRITNEY: Your son, Adam.

TREY: ADAM COROLLA?

BRITNEY: Is your son Adam Corolla?

TREY: NO!

BRITNEY: Then, no, not Adam Corolla.

DARCY: THIS IS NOT A RIOT AT ALL!

TREY: YOU TWO ARE NOT BEING CARDS!

ADAM: Stop saying that! Of course this isn't a riot!

DARCY: YOU SLUT! YOU CORRUPTED MY SON, YOU WHORE!

ADAM: Whoa, mom, calm down!

TREY: MY ONLY SON IS THE FATHER OF A BASTARD CHILD!

ADAM: I'm not your only son!

(Some kid walks by)

KID: Hey dad.

TREY: Hey, Alec.

ADAM: Listen, okay?

DARCY: Are you going to keep it?

BRITNEY: Yes.

TREY: That's probably best. ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!

ADAM: Listen, we went to an abortion clinic, but we weren't comfortable with how casually the doctor treated the issue!

DARCY: WHEN'D YOU GO TO AN ABORTION CLINIC?!

ADAM: I don't know, late May?

TREY: YOU COCKSUCKER!

ADAM: Wow.

DARCY: HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL US THIS EARLEIR?!

ADAM: I'm sorry!

TREY: You're not having your party!

ADAM: Yeah, I figured that.

TREY: Listen, we'll discuss this when we get back, okay?

ADAM: You're still going?

DARCY: Of course! We wouldn't miss Derek and Kelly for the world their a-

ADAM: Riot.

DARCY: Yeah, exactly right.

TREY: Okay, well. We're gone. Take care of Alec, will ya?

(Trey and Darcy get up and leave. Cut to them driving away, out of the cul-de-sac. Adam comes out and signals with his hand, prompting Scott, Barbara, Michael, Ryan, Ross, Beckett, Lilly, Sarah, Brennan, Logan, Peter, Kirsten, Madeline, Kyle and Elisa come out of the bushes)

ADAM: Hey.

SCOTT: Is it still on?

ADAM: Yeah, sure.

BARBARA: AWESOME!

(Adam moves out of the way, and everybody funnels inside. Cut to Michael and Ryan talking to Ross and Beckett while holding red cups full of beer in the kitchen. The stereo plays "Gold on the Ceiling" by the Black Keys in the background)

ROSS: So this is a pretty fun party, huh?

MICHAEL: Yeah. Why hasn't Adam come out of his room since we got here, though?

ROSS: He's probably partying in there!

RYAN: I doubt it, he looked really sad.

ROSS: Adam? No way man, he's probably doing a keg stand in there right now!

MICHAEL: We should go in there then!

ROSS: NO!

RYAN: …Okay.

BECKETT: He means…it's probably too crazy in there for us. Plus, things are pretty crazy out here too! Look over there, that guy has a lamp shade on his head!

(Pan to a lamp and then pan back)

RYAN: Beckett, that's just a lamp.

BECKETT: Really?! Shit, I'm already drunk.

RYAN: Yeah, clearly.

BECKETT: Hey, do you guys have ecstasy?

MICHAEL: Sorry, no.

BECKETT: Oh.

(Cut to Adam sitting on his bed in his room, alone. A knock at the door occurs)

ADAM: WOO! KEG STAND! Sorry guys, can't come in here, it's too crazy!

BRITNEY: It's Britney!

ADAM: Oh. Come in.

(Britney comes in and sits down next to him)

BRITNEY: Why did you go ahead with the party?

ADAM: I don't know, I didn't want to disappoint them. Plus, me just suddenly ending the party would make it seem as if something's wrong and I want to keep this pregnancy between me, you, my dad, my mom, Madeline and Doctor Haggerman.

BRITNEY: Well, Ross and Beckett seem to know something.

ADAM: They have a fifth sense for this type of thing.

BRITNEY: You mean a sixth sense?

ADAM: No, neither Ross nor Beckett have the ability to smell.

BRITNEY: I did not know that.

ADAM: Listen, this is very hard for the both of us, but we'll make it through everything. Thick and thin.

BRITNEY: Okay. But for now, let's keep up the rouse and at least pretend to have fun, okay?

ADAM: Well I have been doing a keg stand in here for like, an hour.

(Britney smiles. Cut to Jacob with his head on his desk, sleeping. Suddenly, he wakes up to see a huge puddle of saliva on his desk. Mr. Guglielmo looks over)

MR. GUGLIELMO: (Chuckles) Let's wait an hour and see if life develops in that thing.

(Jacob sighs. Cut to Lilly, Sarah, Brennan and Logan sitting on couches in the living room, holding red cups while "Prison Song" by System of a Down plays)

ELISA: So, that's how I got a house in Cuba.

BRENNAN: My Arabian friend has an uncle who has a place in Cuba.

LOGAN: Oh really? How big is it?

BRENNAN: About six feet by ten feet.

LOGAN: Ah.

ELISA: Hey, Brennan, if you don't mind…can you show us your scar?

BRENNAN: (Chuckles) Uh, sure. (He lifts up his shirt, then his bandage, to reveal the scar)

LOGAN: Dear God.

SARAH: Jesus Christ, put that thing away.

ELISA: That's so hot.

(Everybody looks at her strangely)

LOGAN: …Okay. Hey, did anyone know that fifty or sixty years ago in the south, the word "cock" meant both a penis and vagina?

SARAH: Where'd you get that information?

LOGAN: It was a Snapple fact.

SARAH: I doubt that.

( Cut to Michelle getting out of a car and waving goodbye to her mom, who drives off. She walks up to the door and knocks on it. Adam and Britney answer the door)

ADAM: Hello! Everybody, it's Michelle! Back from the mountains!

(Ryan comes out)

RYAN: Hello, Michelle.

MICHELLE: Hi, Ryan.

(They kiss, and Beckett comes out)

BECKETT: OOH!

RYAN: Shut up, Beckett, you don't have a girlfriend.

BECKETT: That hits too close to home.

RYAN: That hits at home.

MICHELLE: How'd you do on your exams?

RYAN: Great. How was Colorado?

MICHELLE: Let's go inside.

(Everybody goes back inside. "Rotten Cocksucker's Ball" by The Clovers begins playing. We cut to Ryan and Michelle rushing into a closet. Inside the closet they begin making out, then they both sit down, Michelle undoes Ryan's pants, and goes down on him and his head goes up in pleasure and the camera pans upwards. Cut to Elisa sitting on a couch with Brennan. Elisa takes a swig of a bottle of Captain Morgan, then starts making out with Brennan. He stops her by patting her on the shoulder. He then indicates to the left and they run that way. Cut to the two of them sitting on a bed making out. Brennan undoes Elisa's pants and goes down on her as the camera pans upward. Cut to Michael holding a drink, looking at Ryan and Michelle coming out of the closet, and walking hand in hand. He sips the drink, clearly ridden with jealousy. Cut to Britney cleaning off her mouth in the bathroom with Adam next to her, washing his hands. Once they are both done they nod to each other and leave as the song ends. Cut to Scott, Madeline, Kyle, Peter, Barbara and Ryan talking in the kitchen, holding red cups. Scott is holding his phone)

SCOTT: And that is every Tweet I've ever tweeted.

RYAN: Why is it that 60% of those were about how Twitter is too mainstream for you?

(Everyone but Scott Laughs)

PETER: You know Ryan, you're alright. At first, we invited you here only because we thought you had ecstasy, but I really think you've come around; you're definitely different than Brennan, Sarah and Michael.

RYAN: Well…

SCOTT: I'm glad we don't live in New York City. With all these sixteen ounce sodas here, we'd be locked up in no time.

KYLE: Luckily though, since they're decriminalizing pot in New York, we'd only be fined a hundred bucks for this ounce of weed!

(Kyle holds up an ounce of weed in a bag)

SCOTT: Wow, weed is the only reason I know how much an ounce is.

(As the rest continue talking, Ryan looks off in the distance and sees Michael, Brennan and Sarah sitting on a couch in the corner, talking amongst themselves. He stares at them for a few seconds, when Michelle walks over to him)

MICHELLE: Ryan. Ryan!

(Ryan looks at her)

RYAN: Hey. Where were you?

MICHELLE: I was in the bathroom, freshening up.

RYAN: Okay. Want to go talk to Michael, Brennan and Sarah for a little while?

MICHELLE: (Whiny voice) Michael doesn't like me, though.

RYAN: Are you drunk?

MICHELLE: Maybe. (She begins laughing and then starts sucking on Ryan's neck. She eventually finishes) Can we go to the other room?

RYAN: Fine.

(Ryan assists Michelle as she stumbles along to another room, passing by Brennan, Michael and Sarah. Ryan and Michelle go into that room. Cut to Logan and Elisa talking to each other on the couch)

ELISA: So, how are things with Sarah?

LOGAN: Great. We're going to Canada next week.

ELISA: Really?

LOGAN: Yeah, but, Shh! I haven't told her!

ELISA: Wow, you're drunk.

LOGAN: I'm not as drunk as you think I am. Ah, damnit! I mixed the "drunk" and the "think" up! (Logan laughs)

ELISA: No, you didn't, actually.

LOGAN: I did!

ELISA: Nope.

LOGAN: How are you with…are you with anyone?

ELISA: Um…(Elisa looks over at Brennan, who looks at her) no. Why won't you talk to Sarah?

(She turns back)

LOGAN: Yeah, I probably should.

(Logan walks over to Sarah and sits next to her. Cut to Michelle and Ryan stumbling into a bedroom. They both fall on top of each other onto the bed. Michelle is on top of Ryan)

RYAN: Wow, you are drunk. (Laughs)

MICHELLE: (Giggles) No, I'm not drunk!

RYAN: You are clearly intoxicated, and Jacob hasn't even gotten back from detention yet!

MICHELLE: Fine, maybe I over did it, but I did it for you!

RYAN: So I could have the pleasure of watching you walk around with a slacked jaw?

MICHELLE: No, because we're together, and we're here, and we're supposed to have fun.

RYAN: I am having fun, but I'm pacing myself.

MICHELLE: We're young, Ryan. This is exciting. We have our whole lives ahead of us!

RYAN: I know, it's exciting, but you're consuming your weight in Corona.

MICHELLE: Are you saying I'm fat?

RYAN: No, I'm saying you're drunk.

MICHELLE: Drunk and fat!

RYAN: No….just drunk.

MICHELLE: We're better than the others, right? This is what you wanted?

RYAN: What do you mean?

MICHELLE: All the other couples here, Logan and Sarah, Kyle and Madeline, Scott and Barbara, Adam and Britney, all of those?

RYAN: Logan's insane, Kyle's a Jew, Scott's a hipster and Adam's…well I don't know him that well.

MICHELLE: Logan is insane. A few minutes ago he told me the best way to sober up is to "smother yourself in butter and meet me at my house in five minutes".

RYAN: I would punch him for that, but I don't think he's worth the effort.

MICHELLE: But this is what you wanted, right?

RYAN: Yeah, Michelle. You rejected me twice, so this relationship makes it all worth it. Don't compare our relationships with anybody else's.

MICHELLE: Okay.

RYAN: I have a question, though, and don't get mad at me.

MICHELLE: What is it?

RYAN: Why did you date Dirk? You're way different than him.

MICHELLE: Ugh, I wasn't always emo like this. I'm attracted to douchebags.

RYAN: Wow, thanks.

MICHELLE: (Laughs) Shut up, I didn't mean that. I used to be attracted to douchebags, although I shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

RYAN: You should speak ill of that dead.

MICHELLE: Well, yeah. But even though I'm emo, I can't really get along with your friends. Michael hates me, and I can just never talk to Brennan and Sarah.

RYAN: Sure you can.

MICHELLE: No, I've tried. There are only so many conversations you can have about shows about eleven year olds girl who are magically powered by embarrassment.

RYAN: Jesus, is that a real anime?

MICHELLE: Unfortunately.

(Cut to Britney, Adam, Madeline, Kyle, Ross and Beckett talking in the kitchen. Beckett is pouring a drink for himself)

ADAM: They should make a 3D Schindler's List.

KYLE: No, they shouldn't.

(Beckett finishes pouring his drink and turns around)

BECKETT: You want one, Britney?

BRITNEY: No, I'm fine.

KYLE: C'mon, Britney, you usually get obliterated at these things, you haven't had one tonight.

BRITNEY: I'm just, tired.

BECKETT: Yeah, and liquor makes you fall asleep! So, have one.

BRITNEY: I'm good.

ADAM: She's good, don't pester her.

KYLE: At least have a joint!

BRITNEY: I'M PREGNANT ALRIGHT??! (Everyone gasps) That's why I'm not drinking or smoking, because Adam got me pregnant!

ADAM: Jesus, Britney!

MADELINE: What'd you expect her to do, people were pushing her buttons!

ROSS: How many people know about this?!

ADAM: Just Britney, Madeline, my mom, dad and me.

KYLE: Wow. When did it happen? That Mets game?

BRITNEY: What? No-

KYLE: That time in Church?

ADAM: Kyle-

KYLE: JUST NOW?!

ADAM: How could she know she was pregnant if we just did it now?! Just listen, okay?

(Ryan and Michelle come out of the bedroom)

RYAN: We heard someone scream they were pregnant out here.

MICHELLE: I didn't scream it.

ADAM: No one thought that, listen, I can explain.

(Jacob comes in)

JACOB: Hey everybody! Detention's over and I'm ready to PARTY! WOO! (Everyone stares at him) Um…did somebody else die?

ADAM: No, I was just telling everybody here formally that Britney is pregnant.

JACOB: What?

ADAM: Yes.

JACOB: Wow.

ADAM: She was impregnated in early May, okay?

RYAN: My apartment-warming party?

ADAM: Yes.

RYAN: God, I'd hate to be the person who lives at that apartment now. It's dirtier than a hotel room now.

(Cut to Principal Maxell walking into Ryan's old apartment, which has scattered moving boxes everywhere. He loosens his tie and walks into the bedroom and lays down. Then he gets up suddenly. Cut back)

ADAM: I didn't mean to announce it in this manner, but it's truth. We're dealing with it, and before you all ask, yes, we are keeping it.

SCOTT: A secret.

(Scott chuckles, but then looks down when nobody else laughs)

ADAM: Yeah. Anyway, just move on with the party, please.

MADELINE: Here here!

(Everybody resumes conversation. Cut to Logan sitting next to Sarah, holding tickets)

LOGAN: Hey, Sar-bear, I got two tickets to Canada, pack your bags, we leave next week.

SARAH: You didn't even sing that, and no, we're not going to Canada.

LOGAN: Why not baby?

SARAH: You're drunk; first of all, second of all, I'm just not going to Canada with you. How money did you spend on these tickets? (Sarah takes the tickets from him) Two-hundred and eighty dollars? Jesus, Logan.

LOGAN: I want to go with you and we could go to Wasilla, where Palin was Mayor!

SARAH: That's Alaska.

LOGAN: We could go see where Juno was filmed!

SARAH: Juneau, Alaska is not what "Juno" is about, it's a movie that takes place in Minnesota but was filmed in Canada.

LOGAN: So, I'm right.

SARAH: Yeah, actually. But whatever, I'm not going with you to Canada, my parents wouldn't let me and I have things to do.

LOGAN: C'mon, Sarah.

(Logan leans in for a kiss but Sarah backs him off)

SARAH: Not now, I'm pissed at you for spending money on two tickets to Canada without asking me.

LOGAN: Fine, I'll go to Canada by myself. I'll lock myself in my hotel room and jerk the vacation away.

SARAH: Wow, that's sad.

LOGAN: You're sad.

SARAH: No, you are clearly sad, you're crying.

LOGAN: (Crying) Yeah…

(Sarah puts her arm around Logan. The camera zooms out slowly as "Twice" by Little Dragon begins playing. Cut to Adam laying down on his bed, stressed and rubbing his temple. Cut to Britney in the bathroom holding her shirt up feeling her stomach. She begins crying. Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Scott, Beckett and Ross talking in the kitchen. Ryan is rubbing Michelle's back when he looks over to Michael, Brennan, Sarah and Logan on the couch in the corner. Ryan stops rubbing her back and walks over to them, prompting Michelle to look behind her and wonder where he's going. Ryan sits next to Michel, Brennan, Sarah and Logan, and they start talking while Michelle looks on. Suddenly, Trey and Darcy come in through the door, stunned. All the kids come to the living room, which is immediately in front of Trey and Darcy. The episode ends with all couples, Jacob and Kirsten, Sarah and Logan, Kyle and Madeline, Scott and Barbara and Brennan and Elisa standing next to their respective significant others, staring at the shocked Trey and Darcy while the characters not in relationships stand in the background. The only couple not next to each other is Ryan and Michelle, who are separated by an entire room. The scene fades to black)

THE END





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