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The Donahues Episode 20

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Mayor Sarandon tries to emulate Mayor Booker’s heroic prowess, Ethan’s prescription for medical marijuana for his migraines gets him into trouble and Madeline and Kimberly tour colleges


Submitted:Jun 20, 2012    Reads: 8    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"UNIQUE NEWARK"

TV-MA LV

"Trying to make work indulgent, a nine-to-five wage slave's fantasy."

  • Gimble

(We start with Mayor Sarandon sitting in his office watching Patrick White report the news on television)

PATRICK WHITE: Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker is at it again. In April of this year, he heroically saved a woman from a burning building and in December of 2010, he helped a woman shovel her driveway, among other noble tasks. This has earned him the nickname "Super-Mayor". This time he tackled a woman out of the way of a bus going towards her full-speed. He had this to say at a press conference.

(Cut to Cory Booker holding a press conference outside at daytime)

MAYOR BOOKER: I am not a super hero, I am not a hero, I'm just the Mayor.

(He winks)

REPORTER: He's so modest!

(Cut back to Patrick White)

PATRICK WHITE: What an irrationally humble man Mayor Booker is. In other news, Mitt Romney got drunk on Germ-X on the campaign trail today…

MAYOR SARANDON: My God, he's a dynamo. Why can't I do that? Liberals think they are so virtuous. Well I'll show Mayor Booker! (He presses the button) Ethan, get in here.

(Ethan comes in)

ETHAN: Yes, sir?

MAYOR SARANDON: Have you heard of Super-Mayor Cory Booker up in Newark?

ETHAN: Yeah, why?

MAYOR SARANDON: Booker me!

ETHAN: What?

MAYOR SARANDON: I need to become like him.

ETHAN: Why?

MAYOR SARANDON: I want to be a hero! I want people to call me super Mayor Sarandon, as opposed to what they usually call me.

ETHAN: You mean when they call you a "filthy whore-mongering baboon"?

MAYOR SARANDON: Yes.

ETHAN: Or a "putrid pile of utter incompetence"?

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah!

ETHAN: Or "a man comparable to a drop of sweat dangling from Adolf Hitler's balls"?

MAYOR SARANDON: YES!

ETHAN: Okay, just making sure.

MAYOR SARANDON: What do I do to be like him?

ETHAN: Well, you have be virtuous at all times, help people in everyday life-

MAYOR SARANDON: No, I want to save someone from a fire or something like that.

ETHAN: Well, we have a fire department for that.

MAYOR SARANDON: Does Super Mayor Booker give a shit about the fire department? I think not.

ETHAN: No, he probably does.

MAYOR SARANDON: I want a disaster to happen near me so I can save the day!

ETHAN: You shouldn't want a disaster to happen near you, or anywhere.

MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, I don't want a disaster to happen near me, but you know, fingers crossed!

ETHAN: So it sounds like you still want a disaster to happen near you.

MAYOR SARANDON: You know what? I'm going to go save some people right now!

(Mayor Sarandon gets up and runs out of his office. Ethan rubs his head profusely and winces in pain. Cut to Ethan sitting on a table in a doctor's office. The doctor comes and walks up to Ethan)

DOCTOR: Hello, Ethan. I'm Doctor Brundage.

ETHAN: Hello, Doctor.

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: So, what are you here for today?

ETHAN: Well, Doctor, I have been experiencing migraine headaches recently, and I've been prescribed every medicine known to man from every duck in Hansbay, but none of them have worked.

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: Duck?

ETHAN: Yeah, duck.

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: I think you mean quack.

ETHAN: No.

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: Anyway, if none of the migraine medicines have been working, then I think there is a solution. I'm going to prescribe you cannabis sativa.

ETHAN: Oh, okay. Are those tablets?

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: No, they're cannabis.

ETHAN: …

DOCTOR BRUNDGE: Marijuana!

ETHAN: Oh! What?

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: Yes, marijuana can relieve migraine headaches significantly.

ETHAN: Wow. Um, isn't that illegal? Or is this some side business you're running out of the office?

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: No, Vermont is one of the eighteen states that allow it.

ETHAN: Since when?

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: Eight years ago. Marijuana can be used to treat glaucoma, cancer, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer's, HIV, AIDS, chronic pain and other ailments.

ETHAN: Well, this is quite a shock. I am completely and totally against the liberal effort to spread Marijuana around as if it's wealth!

DOCTOR BRUNDAGE: So are you going to take it?

ETHAN: Of course, my head fucking kills.

(Cut to Madeline in her room, on her laptop. He mother comes in)

KIMBERLY: Madeline, are you looking for colleges?

MADELINE: Actually, right now I'm positing pictures of Britney and I pursing our lips in front of various things. But after that, yeah, I'll look for colleges.

KIMBERLY: Maddie, this is important. Much more important than whatever you said.

MADELINE: We have attitude!

KIMBERLY: Madeline, college is important!

MADELINE: I know, but I'm a busy little bee. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….you know?

KIMBERLY: How did those bee noises enhance your point in any way?

MADELINE: Fine, I'll look for colleges. Where should I go?

KIMBERLY: What do you want to do?

MADELINE: I want to be a…(looks at her computer) mortgage rate.

KIMBERLY: Did you just look at an ad on your computer?

MADELINE: Okay, I still haven't decided what I want to do exactly. But it will come to me. It always does.

KIMBERLY: Well, what are your hobbies?

MADELINE: I like to…purse my lips?

KIMBERLY: Yeah, I know, but that's not a career.

MADELINE: Yes it is. I could be a reality show star!

KIMBERLY: Oh, Jesus Christ.

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon walking down the streets of Hansbay Town Center. He sees a man walking by, holding an ice cream cone. He runs over to the man and holds his hands over the ice cream cone as he walks)

MAN: What the hell are you doing?

MAYOR SARANDON: I'm rescuing you!

MAN: How?

MAYOR SARANDON: I'm shielding your ice cream cone from the harsh glow of the sun!

MAN: Get the hell out of my way!

(The man pushes Mayor Sarandon aside and stops walking)

MAYOR SARANDON: Do you know who the hell you're talking to?

MAN: No, I don't, actually. You're just some chump in a suit.

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, you're a chump in a red shirt! Where'd you get that red shirt, huh? Kohl's?

MAN: Yeah, actually.

MAYOR SARANDONG: Oh, well, it's nice.

MAN: Thank you.

MAYOR SARANDON: Listen, do you know any disasters nearby?

MAN: Well, Katt Williams is doing a set at the Giggle Emporium.

MAYOR SARANDON: Hmm…

(Cut to Katt Williams on stage at a comedy club called the giggle emporium)

KATT WILLIAMS; NIGGAS BE FUCKIN' WALKIN' LIKE THIS AND ALL THAT SHI-

(Mayor Sarandon tackles him. Cut to Ethan in a medical marijuana dispensary, talking to a clerk)

ETHAN: Hello, sir.

CLERK: Hey, bro. You want some dank weed?

ETHAN: Um, I guess?

CLERK: (Normal voice) I'm just dickin' with you man, I speak normally.

ETHAN: Oh. Well, I am here to fill a prescription for-(whispering) medical marijuana.

CLERK: (Whispering) Why are you whispering?

ETHAN: (Whispering) I don't know….

CLERK: Relax, man. Medical weed is perfectly legal here.

(Three DEA agents bust through the door)

DEA AGENT 1: FREEZE! DEA!

CLERK: Well, it's legal at the state level.

ETHAN: I'M JUST A DAD! I NEED THIS FOR MY MIGRAINES!

DEA AGENT 2: Sure! That's why you have Bob Marley on your shirt!

ETHAN: I DON'T HAVE BOB MARLEY ON MY SHIRT! THIS IS AN EAGLE, AND IT'S VERY SMALL!

DEA AGENT 2: Sorry, I get eagles and Bob Marley confused.

CLERK: How?

DEA AGENT 3: We need to search this place for cannabis.

CLERK: Um. Look around you, buddy. There's pot everywhere.

DEA AGENT 1: He's right.

ETHAN: BUT IT'S LEGAL HERE FOR MEDICAL PURPOSES!

DEA AGENT 2: Well, while you Vermonters were getting stoned, you obviously didn't notice that state's rights no longer exists, so, sorry Charlie, but thems the brakes.

ETHAN: I'm just filing a prescription!

DEA AGENT 3: Well, you just filled a prescription for Incarcerex. Side effects may include being left in jail for five days and having to drink your own piss.

ETHAN: Yeah, I heard about that, what is wrong with you people?

DEA AGENT 1: Well, we were going to give the kid food and water, but it was Teddy's birthday dinner!

TEDDY: You're coming with me.

ETHAN: Oh no.

(Teddy puts Ethan in handcuffs as DEA Agent 3 puts the clerk in handcuffs. Cut to Madeline and Kimberly on the couch on the laptop, looking for colleges)

MADELINE: Burlington University has dorms, sweatshirts and a campus!

KIMBERLY: Yeah, that's not that impressive.

MADELINE: It also has wifi!

KIMBERLY: You mean WI-FI?

MADELINE: No, wifi is a class where you smell things and determine what they are.

KIMBERLY: What job will that get you?

MADELINE: I can get a job on that show, The Voice!

KIMBERLY: Yeah, you can smell singers. That sounds terrific.

MADELINE: Ugh, you're right, none of these colleges are right for me!

KIMBERLY: Well, to be fair, your grades suck.

MADELINE: How is that being fair to me?

KIMBERLY: Let me rephrase that, it's being honest.

MADELINE: Ugh.

KIMBERLY: You could go to Goddard College in Plainfield. That's only an hour from here.

MADELINE: I don't like that name.

KIMBERLY: Goddard?

MADELINE: Yeah, I don't like that name.

KIMBERLY: That's your only reason?

MADELINE: That's my only reason.

KIMBERLY: Okay. What do you want to do for the rest of your life, Maddie?

MADELINE: (Looks off in the distance) I want to pick fruit. I just want to have an orchard and spend every single day picking fruit off the vine, putting it in a basket and shipping it somewhere. I don't even care how much money it pays, I just want to pick fruit.

KIMBERLY: Okay…what's your fallback position?

MADELINE: Oh, interior decorator.

KIMBERLY: Alright.

(Cut to Ethan in prison, sitting, waiting. Ryan comes in, followed by Teddy, the DEA agent)

RYAN: Hey.

TEDDY: Okay, you've been cleared. We saw the prescription. You can mosey.

ETHAN: Thank God. (Long silence) Open the fucking-

TEDDY: Right.

(Teddy takes his keys and opens the cell and Ethan comes out and hugs Ryan, making him visibly uncomfortable)

ETHAN: Thank you.

RYAN: You're welcome…? (Ethan ends the hug and rubs his eyes) Are you crying right now?

ETHAN: NO! You're a faggot or something, anyway, how'd you get here?

RYAN: With the 2004 Toyota Corolla you bought me last week. It sure is a…car.

ETHAN: Yeah.

RYAN: What happened?

ETHAN: I was trying to buy medical pot for my migraines, and the DEA did a bust.

RYAN: Damn. Isn't it legal here, though?

ETHAN: Not on the federal level!

RYAN: I thought you were against medical pot!

ETHAN: Yeah, but my head was killing me!

RYAN: Well, I'm against torture, so you don't see me getting water boarded.

ETHAN: You're going to be in a second!

RYAN: Hey, I could've chosen not to come here!

ETHAN: You're right, you're right, I'm sorry.

RYAN: Why didn't you call Kimberly?

ETHAN: You really think I want her knowing about this?

RYAN: Fair point. Alright, let's mosey.

TEDDY: That's my word!

(Cut to Ethan and Ryan walking out of the building, which has a sign reading "Drug Enforcement Administration Field Office, Burlington, Vermont". Cut to Mayor Sarandon at his desk with a bottle of scotch, leaning back in his chair. He presses the button for his secretary)

MAYOR SARANDON: Maria, is Mr. Donahue back from his appointment?

MARIA: No, Mr. Mayor.

MAYOR SARANDON: Damnit. Could you get Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker and East Haven, Connecticut Mayor Joseph Maturo on the line, please?

MARIA: Yes, sir.

MAYOR SARANDON: Thank you, Maria. Love you.

MARIA: What?

MAYOR SARANDON: Nothing. Just get those people on the line.

MARIA: Yes. (Mayor Sarandon takes a sip of his drink, scribbles some notes down, takes out a cigar and a lighter, intending to light the cigar) Mr. Mayor?

(Mayor Sarandon puts the cigar and lighter away)

MAYOR SARANDON: Yes?

MARIA: I have Mr. Booker and Mr. Maturo on the line for you, sir.

MAYOR SARANDON: Put them through. (Mayor Sarandon picks up the phone and a three-way split screen occurs, with Booker and Maturo on the top and Sarandon on the bottom) Gentleman, nice to see you.

MAYOR BOOKER: We're not seeing each other, Brian.

MAYOR SARANDON: No we're not, nice to speak with you.

MAYOR MATURO: What do you want, Brian?

MAYOR SARANDON: Well gentleman, I have some questions. First, to you Mayor Booker, how do you rescue people so well and seem so virtuous?

MAYOR BOOKER: Well Brian, I try to be as virtuous as I can and helping people is a value of mine.

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, but how do I become a super mayor?

MAYOR BOOKER: I just told you, by being virtuous and helping people.

MAYOR SARANDON: Right, but that doesn't grab headlines, should I hire someone to start a fire at an empty building, and then hire actors to claim I rescued them from the building?

MAYOR BOOKER: …No, that's dishonest. The exact opposite of virtue.

MAYOR SARANDON: What if I pile a bunch of babies up in a road, and then warn cars of it, so they stop, and then I'm a hero?

MAYOR BOOKER: Why would there be a bunch of babies piled up in the middle of the road? Also, no don't do that.

MAYOR SARANDON: You're right, that lacks believability.

MAYOR BOOKER: It should have believability because it's true!

MAYOR MATURO: Why am I in this conversation?

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, Mayor Maturo, I went to Mayor Booker for advice on how to be a good mayor, so I went to you as a sort of cautionary tale. Your police force is being investigated by the federal government for violating the civil rights of latinos, and when you were asked by a reporter what you were planning on doing for the latino community that day, you said you might eat tacos for dinner.

MAYOR MATURO: Why are you saying this as if there's a third party present?

MAYOR SARANDON: My question is, how do you run your city and how do I best avoid running it like you have?

MAYOR MATURO: Well, I usually get up in the morning and eat waffles to make sure I don't get in any trouble with the Belgians.

MAYOR SARANDON: Okay…

MAYOR MATURO: Then I drink myself to stupid to get on the good side of the Irish.

MAYOR SARANDON: That explains a lot.

MAYOR MATURO: Then I do nothing the rest of the day to get in good with Latinos.

MAYOR SARANDON: Wow, really racist.

MAYOR MATURO: I ams who I ams.

MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, I'll be sure to avoid that. Anything else?

MAYOR MATURO: Yes, I order the chief of police to instruct officers to discriminate against fucking goddamn spics.

MAYOR SARANDON: Ah. I see. Okay.

MAYOR BOOKER: Brian, I have a lot of work to do.

MAYOR SARANDON: Mayor Booker, we can be a justice league! A justice league of mayors!

MAYOR BOOKER: Gotta go; see you at the next New England Mayor's conference. Try not to spike the punch bowl with absinthe like you did last time.

MAYOR SARANDON: You noticed that?

MAYOR BOOKER: You weren't exactly being discreet about it, you started pouring a huge bottle of green liquid from a bottle marked "absinthe" and screamed "Who wants to take a leave of absinthe with me?" and you repeated that joke, maybe too much during the rest of the night. You know absinthe is illegal right?

MAYOR SARANDON: Do you want to get fuck drunk with me and be a Mayoral Justice League?

MAYOR BOOKER: Goodbye, Brian.

(Mayor Booker hangs up, as well as Mayor Maturo, leaving Mayor Sarandon dejected. He hangs up as well. He buzzes his secretary)

MAYOR SARANDON: Maria, get my things, I'm going to Newark.

MARIA: Yes, Mr. Mayor.

(Cut to Ethan and Ryan in the living room. Ethan is holding a vape, and Jacob comes in)

JACOB: Whoa, what's going on here?

RYAN: Dad was prescribed medical pot for his migraines.

JACOB: Awesome! Dad, can I have migraines?

ETHAN: No, neither of you can have migraines, okay? This is for me and me alone.

JACOB: But vapes rape!

ETHAN: What?

JACOB: Vapes are good I said.

ETHAN: You didn't say that, you said they rape.

JACOB: Well, that means good in teen lingo.

ETHAN: Great, sexual assault means good now. Anyway, daddy has to take his medicine.

(Ethan takes a hit off the vape and then blows out smoke. He then lays back)

RYAN: How do you feel?

ETHAN: …Better.

JACOB: Does mom know about this?

ETHAN: No, Kim is out with Maddie looking at a college campus.

JACOB: Well, I'm not going to not watch my dad get high.

(Jacob takes a seat. Cut to twenty minutes later)

ETHAN: Ryan…have you ever thought about all the creatures that could be running around in the walls?

RYAN: No…

ETHAN: Scurrying, left and right. (Laughs profusely) What am I talking about?!

JACOB: I don't know, dad.

ETHAN: (Stops laughing) You know, I love you both very much.

RYAN: We know.

ETHAN: No, you don't know, I don't…where is it?

JACOB: Where's wha-

ETHAN: My wallet, where'd my wallet go?

RYAN: I don't know.

ETHAN: The thylacine stole it!


JACOB: The one you hunted last week?

ETHAN: Yeah!

RYAN: Dad, it's dead.

ETHAN: (Laughing) I know! Why would I think that?

JACOB: I don't know…

ETHAN: (Stops laughing) You're dead. On the inside, because you haven't expanded your world view and seen what I see right now.

JACOB: Actually, I get high quite often.

ETHAN: Yeah, but you're still dead on the inside.

JACOB: No, you're confusing me with Ryan.

ETHAN: Oh yeah, you're right.

RYAN: Yo.

(Cut to Madeline and Kimberly waiting in the lobby of the New England Institute of Technology in Warwick, Rhode Island)

KIMBERLY: This school is beautiful.

MADELINE: Yeah, but it's four and a half hours from where we live.

KIMBERLY: So? Kyle says he 'll go wherever you go, you'll have him to keep you company.

MADELINE: About that, um, I kind of broke up with him during the graduation ceremony last week.

KIMBERLY: What? Really?

MADELINE: Yeah. He changed his name just so he could sit next to me.

KIMBERLY: That's…sweet?

MADELINE: Don't try to sugar coat it, it's creepy as fuck.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, it is. Well, your dorm mate will keep you company.

MADELINE: My dorm mate's probably going to be some kid from New Hampshire.

KIMBERLY: What's wrong with New Hampshire?

MADELINE: I HATE NEW HAMPSHIRE.

KIMBERLY: Okay then.

(The receptionist comes up)

RECEPTIONIST: They're ready for you.

KIMBERLY: Okay, thank you.

(Cut to Kimberly and Madeline in a college class room, with a tour guide and a professor in pajamas sleeping behind his desk)

TOUR GUIDE: I am your tour guide, my name is Craig.

KIMBERLY: You already introduced yourself at the beginning of the tour.

CRAIG: Oh. Well, the Bachelor's Degree Program in Interior Design Technology prepares the student to be proficient in the art and technology of designing the interior-built environment relative to the user's social, psychological, and aesthetic needs. Students study fundamentals of interior design and building sciences through a unique combination of theoretical and practical concepts of design, building systems, components, and construction for both residential and commercial properties.

MADELINE: And the professor?

CRAIG: The what?

MADELINE: The clearly asleep professor behind the desk right there?

CRAIG: Oh. Doctor Hauser!

(Doctor Hauser wakes up)

DOCTOR HAUSER: Wha? Oh. Sorry. I should get going now.

(Doctor Hauser grabs his suit case and walks away, revealing elbow patches on the arms of his pajamas)

MADELINE: Did that professor have elbow patches on his pajamas?

(Cut to Craig, Madeline and Kimberly in a dorm room)

CRAIG: This dorm room is livable.

MADELINE: Yes.

CRAIG: If you were to choose to were to go here, your dorm mate would likely be from New-

MADELINE: No!

CRAIG: Jersey.

MADELINE: Thank God.

KIMBERLY: Are you serious?

CRAIG: He'll probably also not clean up after himself, be loud, party, piss on the floor, leave his clothes everywhere, drink, smoke and just generally be obnoxious and inconsiderate.

MADELINE: As long as he's not from New Hampshire.

KIMBERLY: I don't understand-

CRAIG: That's the tour!

KIMBERLY: You showed us two rooms!

CRAIG: Yeah, the rest of the college doesn't really matter.

KIMBERLY: I think it does-

MADELINE: Mommy, I want to go here!

KIMBERLY: Are you sure, Maddie?

MADELINE: Of course! Could you imagine me, on this bed at two in the morning with a college sweater and sweat pants finishing a term paper? I'm so excited!

KIMBERLY: It's four and a half hours from us though!

MADELINE: Well…

(Cut to Madeline in her room painting her toe nails. A knock at the door is heard)

RYAN: (Crying) Madeline! I need to talk to you!

MADELINE: Oh, Jesus.

(Cut to Jacob, Beckett and Peter taking turns taking bong hits in Madeline's room. Madeline enters)

MADELINE: What the hell are you guys doing?!

BECKETT: Relax Madeline, we're just smoking bong.

MADELINE: Smoking bong? Nobody says it like that, and you guys can do that in Jacob's room!

PETER: Yeah, but your room has a window.

MADELINE: So does Jacob's!

JACOB: Yeah, but we threw a watermelon at the guy who lives behind us' roof, so we're not risking it.

MADELINE: Oh my lord.

(Cut back)

MADELINE: …I'll try to manage without you guys for a while, but I will visit!

KIMBERLY: Okay, honey, if this is what you want.

MADELINE: It is!

(They embrace. Cut to Ethan coming back to work high. Mayor Sarandon comes out of his office)

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, Ethan, there you are! Come with me to Mayor Booker's office in Newark!

ETHAN: How-far is that-why?

MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, I can't tell whether you're asking me how far that is or why we're going.

ETHAN: Booth.

MAYOR SARANDON: Booth?

ETHAN: Both I said. (Laughs)

MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, well we're going there to form a Mayoral Justice League with Mayor Cory Booker of Newark, and it's a five and a half hour drive, so strap in.

ETHAN: But I'm not sitting on anything! (Laughs profusely) How can I strap in? (Laughs even more as Mayor Sarandon stares, confused. Eventually he stops laughing) …Can we get food on the way?

MAYOR SARANDON: …Yeah.

ETHAN: Cool, I'm going with.

(They both exit stage right as Maria, the Mayor's secretary stares)

MARIA: He's so stoned.

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon driving while Ethan chows down on KFC in the seat next to him)

MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, get out the map.

ETHAN: Okay.

(Ethan takes out a map)

MAYOR SARANDON: Where are we?

ETHAN: We're near Albany, in Delmar, New York.

MAYOR SARANDON: Okay. I'm getting tired want to stop at a rest stop?

ETHAN: Sure. (They pull into a gas station at the side of the road. They both get out and enter the gas station. Ethan walks through the food aisles to the bathroom area. He gets in line behind a trucker with a long beard, cut off denim jacket and jeans) Where are you from?

TRUCKER: (Strong southern accent) I'm from Stamford.

ETHAN: …Stamford, Mississippi?

TRUCKER: No, Connecticut.

ETHAN: Have you ever lived in the south?

TRUCKER: I had a layover in Memphis once.

ETHAN: …Did that layover happen to last twenty years?

TRUCKER: Naw, it was forty-five minutes. It was supposed to be thirty, though.

ETHAN: …I think my high has worn off, your accent should be much funnier considering your background.

TRUCKER: What?

ETHAN: Nothing.

(Some guy comes out of the bathroom)

TRUCKER: You can go ahead.

ETHAN: Don't you have to go to the bathroom?

TRUCKER: My lot lizard ain't here yet.

ETHAN: Jesus. (Ethan walks in, closes the door walks towards the toilet but trips and runs into the wall) Aghh! GODDAMNIT! My head! Ugh, it feels awful! What do I do?! …waitaminute…(He takes a baggie of medical weed out of his back pocket and takes some toilet paper and fashions a roach out of a piece of his business card. He takes a hit off the joint and blows out. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan walking back to the car)

MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, I'm tired, you drive.

(Mayor Sarandon tosses him the keys and he catches them. He hesitates, but gets in the front seat anyway. Cut to hours later. Mayor Sarandon is asleep and Ethan is smoking his joint. He sees a sign saying "Welcome to Newark, the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Fuck, that's New York" He keeps driving. Cut to Mayor Booker on the side of the street talking to some citizens)

MAYOR BOOKER: You don't need to call me super mayor.

CITIZEN: I didn't.

(Mayor Sarandon's car is being driven by the high Ethan, and it roars through the streets, and crashes into the side of the road, flipping on its side. Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon in the car, with its windows shattered and Ethan and Mayor Sarandon, cut and bruised)

MAYOR SARANDON: Ugh…what the fuck happened?

ETHAN: Pot happened.

MAYOR SARANDON: What?

ETHAN: Nothing.

(Mayor Booker comes over and kneels down to the front window and extends his hand)

MAYOR BOOKER: Grab my hand, Mayor Sarandon!

MAYOR SARANDON: No…not you…

MAYOR BOOKER: Grab it!

MAYOR SARANDON: You son of a bitch.

(Mayor Sarandon grabs Mayor Booker's hand and Mayor Booker pulls Mayor Sarandon out of the car. Mayor Sarandon stands up and dusts himself off)

MAYOR BOOKER: I'm glad you're okay.

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I'm sure you are.

MAYOR BOOKER: No need to thank me.

MAYOR SARANDON: Good. Because I wasn't planning on it.

(Mayor Sarandon leaves)

MAYOR BOOKER: Brian, wait!

(Mayor Booker leaves too)

ETHAN: How the fu-I'm still here, you know! Fucking save me!

(Cut to Kimberly, Madeline, Ryan and Jacob sitting around the dinner table, watching television)

PATRICK WHITE: Mayor Booker has done it again. The heroic mayor of Newark, New Jersey pulled the Mayor of our city out of the wreckage of a car today when someone crashed the Mayor's car in Newark. The one driving was taken in for smelling of cannabis, and was charged with driving under the influence.

RYAN: That Mayor Booker!

JACOB: He's so great!

MADELINE: He's handsome, too.

KIMBERLY: I love him!

(Mayor Sarandon comes in the kitchen, wearing stitches on his face in various places and his hands)

MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan's in an Essex County jail right now.

(Cut to Kimberly talking to Ethan from behind bars)

KIMBERLY: Ethan, it was an epic poem to get here, and I drove to Rhode Island yesterday!

ETHAN: Sorry, I just…I was prescribed medical pot for my migraines.

KIMBERLY: WHAT?

ETHAN: I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I know I'm a hypocrite since I oppose medical weed, but my migraines were like midgets in steel-toed boots kicking at my skull.

KIMBERLY: Why are they midgets?

ETHAN: I don't know.

KIMBERLY: Ethan, why didn't you just borrow some of my street hydrocodone?

ETHAN: …That's why you're mad at me?

KIMBERLY: Yeah. I use it to abort migraines all the time.

ETHAN: …I love you.

(They make out through the bars. Fade to black)

END





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