“THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE DAYTIME”
“I lie belly-up in the sunshine, happier than you ever will be”
- Dan Anderson
(We start with Ethan on the couch watching FOX News. Ryan comes in and sits down)
RYAN: Dad, just because you’re watching FOX News doesn’t mean the health care ruling will come any sooner.
ETHAN: WHY NOT?!
RYAN: Calm yourself!
ETHAN: I’m sorry, but it’s killing me. Plus, FOX News has hot anchors who don’t always necessarily cross their legs.
RYAN: Take a minute and mentally evaluate how sad that statement you just said was.
(Kimberly and Jacob come in with a kennel, and Ryan and Ethan jump up to greet them)
RYAN: Oh my God!
ETHAN: He’s here!
KIMBERLY: Yes, she is.
RYAN: Open it! Open it!
(Jacob opens the kennel to reveal a beautiful red Australian shepherd dog. Jacob, Kimberly, Ethan and Ryan all go “aww”)
RYAN: It’s so cute! What do we name her?
JACOB: We should name him “Pinji”.
JACOB: I don’t know, it seems right.
RYAN: We could name him-
JACOB, KIMBERLY AND ETHAN: NO!
RYAN: You didn’t even let me finish!
ETHAN: Does it have anything to do with an emo band?
RYAN: Technically, it’s post-emo hardcore alternative.
JACOB: Shut. Shut up.
KIMBERLY: How about “Debbie”?
ETHAN: Why would we name her after a fat receptionist?
ETHAN: How about Scalia?
KIMBERLY: You know, I only got this dog so you could focus on something else besides the health care ruling, so watch it.
ETHAN: Sorry. How about we name it Overturn?
JACOB: Here’s a good name idea. Chinaberry!
(They all look at each other. Cut to Brennan in a non-chain specific coffee place, waiting for somebody, reading the New York Times)
BRENNAN: So they struck down the Arizona immigration law, except the part about policeman checking the legal statuses of people while enforcing other laws? That’s like finding out your girlfriend’s a prostitute and breaking up with her because she doesn’t do anal.
(Elisa comes in and runs into hug Brennan)
ELISA: Brennan! It’s so nice to see you!
BRENNAN: You too.
(Elisa lets go and the two of them sit down)
ELISA: What’re you reading?
BRENNAN: Nothing. (He puts down The New York Times) Elisa, what we did three weeks ago was fun and all,
ELISA: You bet your fat ass it was.
BRENNAN: I don’t have a fat ass, but, yeah it was great.
ELISA: You ravished me and left me for dead, it was amazing, I hadn’t felt that great since I killed my aunt’s cat to get back at her for not getting me what I wanted for Christmas.
BRENNAN: Jesus Christ, that’s sociopathic. Listen Elisa, I know my bullet wound is incredibly attractive to you, but I don’t think we should mess around in the manner that we have anymore.
ELISA: What? But remember the great times we had? Remember during sex when I tried to pull the bullet out with my teeth?
BRENNAN: Yeah, I do, it was incredibly painful, I almost died.
ELISA: It was kinky.
BRENNAN: That bullet has to stay in there for me to survive.
ELISA: Are you serious about this?
BRENNAN: I’m afraid so. There’s someone else.
ELISA: Wow…if I could have emotions I think this one would be sadness.
BRENNAN: What is wrong with you?
(Cut to Beckett sitting a few tables away from Brennan and Elisa drinking a café’ latte. He is clearly unaware of the context of the situation and is ridden with jealousy watching Brennan and Elisa. Cut to Beckett walking up to the Donahues household. He rings the doorbell and Jacob comes to the door)
JACOB: Oh, hey Beckett.
BECKETT: Jacob, I heard you got a new dog.
JACOB: Yeah, we did. Chinaberry. He’s an Australian shepherd.
BECKETT: Where’s your sheep? (Chuckles)
JACOB: …What do you want, Beckett?
BECKETT: Can I borrow your dog?
JACOB: What? Why?
BECKETT: Everybody seems to be in a relationship! Ryan and Michelle, Logan and Sarah, you and Kirsten, Brennan and Elisa, Scott and Barbara and Madeline and Kyle, I mean-
JACOB: Actually, Madeline and Kyle are over.
BECKETT: Well, that makes sense. Anyway, I need to get my beak wet in a relationship.
JACOB: You’re not dating my dog.
BECKETT: No, I need to use your dog to get chicks.
JACOB: How does that work?
BECKETT: Chicks go wet for dogs, bro.
JACOB: You’re being really crass.
BECKETT: Fine, I’ll put it in a different way; their vaginas are soaked for puppies.
JACOB: That’s not a different way.
BECKETT: I take your dog, let it go, pretend I’m looking for my lost puppy, and then we find it. Inevitably, we will strike up a conversation and I will eventually take her home and have sex with her.
JACOB: How is that inevitable?
BECKETT: Can I just borrow your dog, please?
JACOB: Fuck no, absolutely not. Why can’t you just talk to a girl without some lame ice breaker?
BECKETT: Because talk is cheap and dog is chief.
JACOB: Don’t make up catch phrases like that, I don’t know who told you you were good.
BECKETT: Fine. I’ll find some other way.
JACOB: Great. Bye.
(Jacob slams the door in Beckett’s face. Beckett walks down the path to the house and then down the sidewalk, past the neighbor’s house, when suddenly, a small dog runs onto some old man’s property. The old man comes out of his house in the process of putting on his overalls and carrying a shotgun, and shoots the puppy dead right on the yard)
BECKETT: JESUS CHRIST!
OVERALL MAN: (Deep southern accent) If that goddamn dog comes on my lawn again, I’m going to shoot it.
BECKETT: You just did!
OVERALL MAN: I reckon I did. I’ll clarify my statement-
BECKETT: You don’t have to do that, listen, who are you?
OVERALL MAN: I’m Farmer John.
BECKETT: Farmer? You live in suburban Vermont and there are no animals and no crops here, you don’t even have a garden!
FARMER JOHN: I reckon I don’t. I’ll clarify my statement-
BECKETT: No! Don’t do that, listen, can I borrow that dead dog?
FARMER JOHN: …Why?
BECKETT: None of your business!
FARMER JOHN: Actually, it is my business because you’re asking me for it.
BECKETT: Can I just take it?
FARMER JOHN: Fine. Fifty bucks.
BECKETT: Dude, are you for real?
FARMER JOHN: Want some boy to come ‘round here asking for your dead body?
BECKETT: Okay, okay, okay! (He takes out his wallet and takes out two twenties and a ten) There! (He walks up to Farmer John and hands him the money) You happy?
FARMER JOHN: Yes I am. Take the dog.
BECKETT: Um, do you have like a box or something?
FARMER JOHN: You mean a doggy bag?
(Farmer John laughs, leaving Beckett stunned)
(Cut to Jacob slamming the door on Beckett. He walks over to the stairs and grabs his leather jacket. He puts it on and takes a deep breath. Cut to him at a meeting of the new gang he joined five days earlier. He is sitting in the front row next to Aaron and Grimes, while Phillip is at the head of the room, behind a podium. There are many other leather jacketed teens in the room, sitting. Behind Phillip are two framed pictures, one of Dirk Jameson, bearing the plaque, “DIRK W. JAMESON, 1993-2012” and the other picture is of Jim Cornish, bearing the plaque, “JAMES A. CORNISH, 1993-2012”. In the corner, there is a picture of Brennan Sanford with darts all over it)
PHILLIP: Order! Order! This meeting of Dirk’s Warriors will come to order. As you may know, we have a brand new member today, ladies and gentleman. Please welcome, Jacob Donahue. (Everybody except Jacob claps and Jacob nods humbly. Eventually it dies down) He could be our way in when it comes to vengeance upon Jim’s murderer, Brennan Sanford.
AARON: Fuck yeah!
GRIMES: I want to stab him in the shoulder!
JACOB: Why the shoulder?
PHILLIP: It is true, that Brennan is a threat! But Brennan’s best friend Ryan is Jacob’s brother. (People go “ooh”) Why is that gross?
JACOB: No, they were saying “ooh”, as in they were intrigued, not “ew”.
JACOB: They were saying “ooh”, as in they were intrigued, not “ew”.
JACOB: Um, they were saying “ooh”, as in they were intrigued, not “ew”.
PHILLIP: Come again?
PHILLIP: “Ew” are you, man? We’re trying to seek vengeance upon your brother’s friend and your gumming up our gears with your fancy definitions of guttural expressions?
JACOB: What’s happening right now?
PHILLIP: Warriors, we need to decide the best course of action. Sun Su said that you should know your enemy, so that is why I propose we spy on Brennan Sanford.
GRIMES: How do you propose doing that, hoss?
PHILLIP: How about we use one of those seismometers that detect earthquakes and see if it picks up any of the vibrations from Brennan’s throat while he’s talking? We could pick up some valuable info.
JACOB: That’s a terrible plan, here’s an idea. Do you guys have him tagged on Foursquare?
PHILLIP: Of course, we sent him an email. He thought he was signing up for an anti-depressant clinical trial. He was actually allowing us to track him on Foursquare, oh!
JACOB: Perfect, so we figure out where he is, and I attach an audio recorder to my new dog’s collar and send him in.
JIM: That’s genius!
RANDOM MEMBER: My balls are tingling from the genius of that plan!
PHILLIP: That’s why I don’t let nameless members speak!
RANDOM MEMBER: I have a name.
PHILLIP: You do now!
RANDOM MEMBER: I always have!
JACOB: Where is Brennan?
PHILLIP: Let me check. (Phillip takes out his phone and checks) Well, my checks still need to be cashed. Anyway, should I use this phone to look up his location?
PHILLIP: Okay. (Phillip checks his phone) He’s at 1190 Milk River Drive, Hansbay, Vermont. Milk River drive? What the fuck kind of name is that?
JACOB: I know what the fuck kind of name that is! That’s my address! That’s my house!
PHILLIP: The call is coming from inside the house!
JACOB: Except there’s no call, right?
PHILLIP: Shut your cock.
(Cut to Beckett waiting for the bus, holding a long box. A girl walks up beside him)
BECKETT: Oh, thank God you’re here, I need someone to help me.
GIRL: Help you do what?
BECKETT: I need someone to help me bury this dog!
GIRL: Oh, Jesus, no!
(The girl walks away)
(Cut to Beckett sitting at Starbucks with the long box in his hand, sipping a café latte with a girl sitting across from him, reading a book, also sipping a café’ latte. She looks up to see him sitting there)
GIRL: What’s in the box?
BECKETT: A dead dog.
GIRL: (Disgusted) Ugh, my God, are you serious?
BECKETT: Of course. You know, I was looking for somewhere to bury it, and I would love a little help.
GIRL: Are you kidding me? No, that’s disgusting, bury it yourself.
BECKETT: C’mon, it’ll be fun. We could strike up a conversation; maybe we could get coffee afterwards-
GIRL: I’m drinking coffee right now! Plus, it will be fun to bury a puppy?! What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re carrying around a box with a dead dog in it and acting like it’s normal, not only normal, but romantic. You’re a goddamn loon!
BECKETT: You know you want me.
GIRL: No, actually, I am not aware of this. I’m about 100.7% positive that I do not want you. You’re using a dead dog to try to pick up chicks? That’s pathetic and retarded, which is a potent combination that could take down an army of men, but somehow, you’re still standing. What you’re employing is the world’s worst icebreaker, so stop.
BECKETT: You want to see the world’s best icebreaker?
(Beckett takes out a pack of MENTOS and puts one in his mouth)
GIRL: …What the fuck was that? You just ate a Mento! Did you mean to eat an Ice Breaker?
GIRL: Yeah you did.
BECKETT: Listen Charlotte-
BECKETT: Listen Jackie, go out with me.
JACKIE: Fuck off.
(Jackie gets up and walks out. Beckett sits there, dejected. Cut to Jacob placing a recording device on Chinaberry in the hall of The Donahue household)
JACOB: Alright China, go in there and get me some hot tapes.
(Jacob pats Chinaberry on the back and he goes into Ryan’s room, were Ryan and Brennan are talking. Ryan is sitting at his desk while Brennan is sitting on Ryan’s bed with his back to the wall)
BRENNAN: Hey, doggy.
RYAN: His name is Chinaberry.
RYAN: Jacob came up with it.
(Brennan goes over and pets it, as does Ryan. Chinaberry warms to them nicely. Jacob shuts the door)
BRENNAN: Why’d your brother shut the door?
RYAN: I don’t know, he’s probably pissed at me.
BRENNAN: What’d you do?
RYAN: I accidentally broke his bobble head collection with a baseball bat.
RYAN: By intentionally bashing them with a baseball bat.
BRENNAN: Does he know?
RYAN: No, he thinks it was Chinaberry.
BRENNAN: Why’d you do it?
RYAN: Because he rejected my name for the dog and I was seeing red.
BRENNAN: What was your proposed name?
RYAN: Dakk Lexingdark.
BRENNAN: That’s such an awesome name!
RYAN: Yeah, it’s the lead singer of Shadow Senator’s name.
BRENNAN: I know.
(Cut to Jacob, Phillip, Aaron and Grimes listening on headphones in Jacob’s room. Jacob looks furious and takes off his headphones)
JACOB: That half-witted lily-livered MOTHERFUCKER! I’LL KILL HIM!
AARON: Hey, cool it.
JACOB: WHY?! He destroyed my bobble heads!
GRIMES: Yeah, but if you confront him, he’ll think we’re listening in on him.
JACOB: We are!
PHILLIP: Yeah, but we don’t want him to know that or else he won’t say anything further.
JACOB: What is he saying right now?
GRIMES: Something about…horrified…tailors?
(Jacob puts his headphones back on)
JACOB: He’s talking about organic pythons.
AARON: That still makes no sense.
GRIMES: It’s a band name.
PHILLIP: Of course.
(Cut to Beckett talking to a girl at a bar with the box on the bar)
BECKETT: You know, I have a dead dog to bury, and if you helped me, I would show you Paris.
WOMAN: I’m going to have to see proof, because otherwise I’m not doing helping you bury a dead dog.
BECKETT: I have a picture of Paris on my phone.
(The woman leaves. A bartender comes over to Beckett)
BARTENDER: How old are you?
BECKETT: Are we in the United Kingdom?
BECKETT; Then I’m 21.
BARTENDER: Let me see your ID.
BECKETT: It’s in this box.
(The bartender opens the box, and passes out. Beckett looks over the bar and sees the bartender passed out, and then takes a glass and serves himself some shiner. Cut to a split screen with Ryan and Brennan talking in Ryan’s room with Chinaberry and his recording device on the right side and Jacob, Phillip, Aaron and Grimes listening to it all in Jacob’s room on the left side)
RYAN: So, Jacob came home drunk one night and started talking about how he didn’t actually cum until he was fifteen years old.
(Jacob cringes as the other three giggle)
BRENNAN: Wow, that is late.
RYAN: Yeah. Mom told me she never breast fed Jacob because she always tried to bite her nipple off.
(Jacob is steaming as the other three laugh more)
PHILLIP: Baby Jacob hungry!
(They laugh further)
RYAN: She also told me he used to run around screaming “I’m a girl!” while wearing mom’s shoes.
JACOB: Okay, that one’s not even true!
(They all laugh)
GRIMES: It doesn’t matter if it’s true, it’s hilarious!
RYAN: Jacob’s first girlfriend was paid by Madeline to date him.
(Phillip, Grimes and Aaron crack up as Jacob looks surprised)
BRENNAN: How much?
RYAN: It took like; two-hundred dollars before she would even consider it.
BRENNAN: Wow, two-hundred bucks.
RYAN: No, I said before she would even consider it. She ended up being paid like 350.
(They laugh even harder)
JACOB: GODDAMNIT, WHAT ARE WE LISTENING FOR, ANYWAY?
PHILLIP: Calm yourself Mandy, we’re listening to determine places Brennan might be tomorrow.
BRENNAN: You know, I’m dating Michael now.
BRENNAN: Yeah. I had to break it off with Elisa.
RYAN: You were dating Elisa?!
BRENNAN: No, I was fucking Elisa. Anyway, I’m dating Michael, and we’re having a lot of fun. We went to the water park yesterday and bathed in chlorine, water, Band-Aids and urine.
RYAN: I don’t think the last two ingredients are standard, I think they’re accidental.
BRENNAN: No, I saw a truck of them once outside.
RYAN: Well, anyway, I have to be at Hot Topic by exactly 10am tomorrow, want to meet me there?
BRENNAN: Okay, I’ll be there at exactly 10am, I promise. Not 9:59 AM, nor 10:01 AM, exactly ten AM.
RYAN: I’m Henry the Eighth I AM. (Pronounced AY-EM)
RYAN: I don’t know, man.
AARON: So, Mr. Sanford will be at Hot Topic at exactly 10 AM tomorrow, eh?
JACOB: You guys could’ve just asked me that, I know his work schedule!
GRIMES: I still think this was worth it, though.
GRIMES: Because now we know you’re a violent, cross-dressing, late-blooming loser.
(They all laugh as Jacob males a stupid face and holds his hands in the air and tilts his head as the camera zooms in on him and the scene undergoes a circular transition. Cut to Jacob, Phillip, Aaron and Grimes leaving the house, laughing up a storm at Jacob’s expense. Cut back to Ryan and Brennan talking, this time without Chinaberry in the room)
BRENNAN: Anyway, I think Elisa’s a sociopath.
RYAN: (Chuckles) Yeah.
BRENNAN: No, seriously, like she’s a legit sociopathic person.
RYAN: (Chuckles) She might as well be, huh?
BRENNAN: Dude, you’re not listening to me, she is!
RYAN: (Chuckles) That’ll be the day.
BRENNAN: Okay, so you went from thinking it was a joke, to not believing she’s a sociopath.
RYAN: Well, here’s the test for a sociopath. If you go to a funeral for a twin, and you meet a girl there, but you don’t get her number and don’t catch her last name, how do you meet her again?
BRENNAN: Why are you asking me? Elisa’s the one I think is a sociopath.
RYAN: If you said “by killing the other twin and going to that funeral and finding her there”, then you’re a sociopath.
BRENNAN: Or you’re just really creative, it doesn’t mean you would act on that impulse.
RYAN: Naw, you’re a sociopath if you thought of that.
BRENNAN: Seems like an oversimplified way of-
(Cut to Beckett sitting on a bench with his box at the park)
BECKETT: I guess my dead dog plan will never work. Maybe the lesson here is that I shouldn’t try to lure women in with cheap gimmicks or dead animals, and that I should lure them in with charm, good looks and a great personality.
(A guy in a suit with slicked back hair and a million dollar smile comes onscreen)
GUY: I heard you summing up the events of the day and revealing a lesson to yourself.
BECKETT: Yeah, what of it?
GUY: Well, I’ll tell you right now, you’re completely wrong in a hand basket.
BECKETT: I don’t think that’s how that goes.
GUY: Well, I have a class for lonely losers like yourself, and it’s called “Alexander Greathouse the Third’s Pickin’ Up Chicks N Style class seminar brought to you by Fritos”. It’s perfect for you.
BECKETT: A pickin’ up chicks seminar? Sounds like a grade A plan. Where do I sign up, Alex?
ALEX: Go to (Hands him a business card) this address at the mall. Also, bring a gift or something for Christ’s sakes. Plus a 1,000 dollar class fee and a mandatory 150 dollar no show fee.
BECKETT: What if I do show?
ALEX: You still pay the fee. It’s like insurance just in case you don’t show.
BECKETT: Then why don’t you just-
ALEX: Listen kid, I didn’t fall off the turnip truck tomorrow. I know when someone’s trying to Jew their way out of paying thems bills.
BECKETT: Nobody’s jewing, don’t worry.
ALEX: Good. See you tomorrow at noon. Be at least an hour late.
BECKETT: So, then I’ll see you Tomorrow at one.
ALEX: Sure. Also, bring a real dog, we’re going to practice how to pick up chicks with real lost dogs in the mall.
(Alex strides away. Cut to Ryan walking into Hot Topic and seeing Michelle folding shirts)
RYAN: Why do you seem to always be folding shirts when I come in here?
MICHELLE: I don’t know, I’ve folded these like twelve times today. Time to mess them up again.
(Michelle bunches them up and starts folding them again. Ryan walks over to behind the counter and pulls out a coffee maker, and begins brewing coffee)
RYAN: Anyway, Brennan’s going to come here and hang out, but he might be a bit late.
RYAN: You know, my dad was crying this morning.
(Cut to Phillip, Jacob, Grimes and Aaron sitting on a bench outside of Hot Topic with their heads behind copies of the Hansbay Quinttesential bearing the headline “SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS HEALTH CARE LAW”. Phillip puts his newspaper down)
PHILLIP: Damnit. I just heard Ryan say Brennan will be late.
(Jacob puts his newspaper down)
JACOB: Wow, you have really good hearing.
(Grimes puts his newspaper down)
GRIMES: What are we going to do to Brennan again?
(Aaron puts his newspaper down)
AARON: I’m here too!
PHILLIP: We’re going to throw a bunch of severed dog vaginas at him, remember?
JACOB: Didn’t you taunt my brother with dog vaginas about a month ago?
GRIMES: Yeah, we were kind of confused.
AARON: It doesn’t matter anyway, because I left the dog vaginas in the car.
PHILLIP: Aw, come on! You know leaving a dog vagina in a hot car will ruin it!
JACOB: You’re thinking of CDs.
PHILLIP: Well, still, it’s going to die of heat exhaustion!
JACOB: The rest of the dog has to be there for that to happen!
AARON: Why don’t we just beat the shit out of him?
JACOB: Fine, but I can’t be involved in the beatening. I’ve helped you guys this far, but now I’m going to wait in the bathroom, my brother can’t know I was involved.
GRIMES: Permission to kill him?
JACOB: No! No! Absolutely not!
PHILLIP: Jacob’s right, another time.
JACOB: No, never time!
AARON: Just go to the bathroom, you dog pussy.
PHILLIP: Here he comes!
(Jacob walks off screen as Brennan walks on screen. He walks into Hot Topic and sees Ryan drinking coffee and talking with Michelle)
RYAN: My dad was crestfallen. He drew a hammer and sickle on the fridge with his own blood and told us to prepare for “Chairman Obama” and the “People’s Republic of America”. It was really weird.
(They notice Brennan)
RYAN: Hey, Brennan.
(Phillip, Grimes and Aaron walk into the store and surround Brennan)
PHILLIP: Hey, Brennan.
GRIMES: Hey, Brennan.
AARON: Hey, Brennan.
BRENNAN: Who’s behind me?
RYAN: What are you guys doing here?
PHILLIP: I’m your worst nightmare.
RYAN: I didn’t ask who you were, I asked you what you were doing here.
PHILLIP: In that case, I’m here to avenge the death of Jim Cornish!
(Phillip, Grimes and Aaron start beating the shit out of Brennan, alarming Ryan and Michelle)
MICHELLE: DO SOMETHING!
(Ryan tries to jump into the fray buts get shoved back and caught by Michelle)
RYAN: What about your switchblade?
MICHELLE: Oh yeah!
(Michelle takes out her switchblade, and then Phillip, Grimes and Aaron stop beating up Brennan for a moment to show her their switchblades. Michelle backs off and puts her switchblade away and they resume beating up Brennan)
RYAN: Agh! SECURITY!
MICHELLE: They quit!
MICHELLE: They don’t have to worry about their healthcare anymore!
RYAN: GODDAMNIT, CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS!
(Cut to Beckett walking through the mall, looking at the card he was given, looking for the mall address for the picking up chicks seminar, and also walking Chinaberry. Chinaberry starts acting up, smelling danger)
BECKETT: What’s wrong, boy? You’re going to help me get some serious poon tonight!
(Chinaberry starts running towards the Hot Topic dragging Beckett along with him, until Beckett lets go of the leash and Chinaberry runs into the Hot Topic and attacks Phillip, Grimes and Aaron by biting all three of them, causing them to scream. Chinaberry chases the three out of Hot Topic, as Brennan, bruised and bloodied, gets up and runs to Michelle, crying and hugs Michelle, putting his head near her chest)
MICHELLE: It’s alright, Brennan, they’re gone.
RYAN: Buddy, head up.
(Brennan moves his closer to her shoulder)
MICHELLE: It’s alright…
RYAN: How the hell did Chinaberry get into the mall, anyway?
(Beckett walks in holding a leash)
RYAN: What the fuck, man? What were you doing with my dog?!
BECKETT: Um, Jacob let me borrow it.
RYAN: Oh. Why?
BECKETT: Um…I have to use the restroom.
(Beckett walks away)
RYAN: Damnit, now I have to look for Chinaberry.
(Ryan picks up the phone and starts dialing something. Cut to Beckett walking to the bathroom, he runs into Jacob)
BECKETT: Jacob? What are you doing here?
JACOB: Oh, I was just helping Dirk’s Warriors beat up Ryan’s friend. Don’t tell Ryan though.
(Beckett gets a devious smile)
BECKETT: Oh, I won’t tell him. On the condition you tell him you allowed me to borrow your dog.
BECKETT: Because I stole your dog. I stole him.
JACOB: ARE YOU FUCKING-
BECKETT: Hey, you wouldn’t want your brother thinking that you helped Dirk’s Warriors beat the daylights savings out of Brennan, now would you?
JACOB: You…you crack in the ground.
BECKETT: Did you just call me a crack in the ground?
JACOB: Yes I did. It’s the ultimate insult.
BECKETT: Well, it doesn’t matter, because you’re in a bind.
(Jacob stares at Beckett with hate in his eyes. Cut to Jacob and Beckett walking into Hot Topic, where Brennan has an ice pack on his head, Ryan and Michelle are holding hands and a security guard has Chinaberry on a leash)
JACOB: Yeah, I was just at the mall for the…Sharper Image.
RYAN: They’ve been out of business for like four years, man.
JACOB: Whatever, the point is I let Beckett borrow Chinaberry.
RYAN: Well, don’t do that again. Also, leave, both of you. (Beckett and Jacob leave) Looks like you’ve had a rough week, Brennan.
BRENNAN: Yeah. Next thing you know a piano’s going to fall on me.
(Ryan and Michelle chuckle)
SECURITY GUARD: Well, here’s your goddamned dog.
RYAN: Excuse me?
SECURITY GUARD: I’m qutting.
(The security guard walks out as Ryan grabs the dog’s collar)
RYAN: I’m going to miss Dave.
MICHELLE: I think his name was Leonard.
RYAN: You’re probably right, because I don’t know him at all. Let’s go.
(Ryan, Michelle and Brennan walk out the doors of the mall and see Phillip, Grimes and Aaron being put in handcuffs and then into a cop car)
RYAN: That’s a sight for sore eyes, isn’t it, Brennan?
BRENNAN: That isn’t, though.
(Brennan points at a car with its tires slit and a message on the back in red ink reading “YOU BROKE UP WITH ME, SO I CUT YOUR BRAKES AND SLIT YOUR TIRES! HA HA!”)
RYAN: Jesus, that’s my car!
BRENNAN: Yeah, she never could really tell the difference.
MICHELLE: Why would she cut your brakes if she already slit your tires?
BRENNAN: And why would she tell me about it?
RYAN: Well, if she is a sociopath like you said, she’s about the stupidest sociopath this side of the Mississippi.
(Cut to Ryan walking into his living room with Chinaberry on a leash to see Jacob, Kimberly and Ethan watching television. Kimberly looks ecstatic while Ethan looks dejected. Ryan unleashes Chinaberry, who runs into another room)
RYAN: Healthcare, huh?
ETHAN: Those bastards on CNN and FOX News got my hopes up.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, and they scared me for a few minutes.
RYAN: Yeah, well, hopefully ObamaCare will pay for Brennan’s wounds.
(Ryan walks into the kitchen as Ethan and Kimberly turn around)
RYAN: Also, do we have a tow truck? I need to go to the mall.
(Fade to black)