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The Donahues Episode 23

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



The Donahues celebrate independence day, Ethan tries to successfully entertain eighteen people at the Donahue Fourth of July cookout, Ryan rebels against Ethan’s restrictions and Detective Zimmerman comes onto Kimberly


Submitted:Jul 9, 2012    Reads: 12    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"JULY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU"

TV-MA L

"On the shore dimly seen through the mists of the deep, where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes, what is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep, as it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?"

- Francis Scott Key

(We start with Ethan looking through a closet for a lawn chair while Kimberly stands outside the closet, waiting)

ETHAN: Kimmy, where are the lawn chairs?

KIMBERLY: We don't have lawn chairs, I told you that, why do we think have lawn chairs?

ETHAN: Because I remember using lawn chairs in September of '83 for Labor Day!

KIMBERLY: That was nearly thirty years ago, and you were eighteen, it was like nine years before we met.

(Ethan comes out of the closet)

ETHAN: God, I feel like Anderson Cooper…

KIMBERLY: Why?

ETHAN: Because I just came-

KIMBERLY: Out of the closet, yeah, that's great.

ETHAN: This Fourth of July celebration has to go off without a hitch. We're inviting all the neighbors for a cookout and then we're going to watch the fireworks from our balcony upstairs!

KIMBERLY: We don't have a balcony upstairs!

ETHAN: That's why I built one.

KIMBERLY: Oh no.

ETHAN: Yeah, out of steel.

KIMBERLY: That's a weird material to build a deck out of, right? We're going to burn up!

ETHAN: Don't worry, I yielded to your environmental liberal bullshit and made the support beams out of cereal boxes. Completely renewable!

KIMBERLY: Completely unstable! Listen, we'll be able to see the fireworks from our porch, we're not going on that dangerous-ass balcony!

ETHAN: Fine! I need to make some improvements anyway.

KIMBERLY: You need to start over altogether!

ETHAN: Perhaps.

KIMBERLY: Definitely!

(Ryan comes over)

RYAN: Dad, is it kosh if I go hang out with Michelle, Brennan, Sarah, Michael, Er-

ETHAN: Before you get done listing the entire cast of "It's Always Sunny in Fagadelphia",

RYAN: Such a stretch.

ETHAN: I'm just going to go ahead and say no.

RYAN: WHAT? WHY?

ETHAN: You've been too much trouble recently, Ryan.

RYAN: How?

ETHAN: You're car was vandalized by a jealous ex-

RYAN: It was Brennan's jealous ex! Even if it was mine, how would that be my fault?

ETHAN: Because you made her jealous! If there's one thing my father taught me is that you never make a girl jealous, or else you'll end up dead at the bottom of a lake.

RYAN: That doesn't change the fact that it's not my jealous ex.

ETHAN: Don't; don't act like I don't know what you types do when you're alone.

RYAN: What do we do?

ETHAN: I don't know exactly-

RYAN: Then I should act like you don't know, because you don't.

ETHAN: Yeah, but I had a nightmare last night about what you might do, and it scared the shit out of me.

RYAN: What'd we do?

ETHAN: Satan worship.

RYAN: No.

ETHAN: Human sacrifice.

RYAN: No.

ETHAN: Drawing stars upside down.

RYAN: Sometimes.

ETHAN: Devil worship.

RYAN: Already said that.

ETHAN: No, I said "Satan worship".

RYAN: No.

ETHAN: Whatever, you're still staying here and having a good time! With your family.

RYAN: Ugh, this is bullshit.

ETHAN: Hey, don't take that tone with me.

RYAN: Fine. I'm going to go get sweet tea.

(Ryan walks away)

ETHAN: WE'RE OUT! GO BUY SOME!

(Ryan walks the other way)

KIMBERLY: I want you to be knowledgeable in conversation tonight.

ETHAN: Are you kidding me? I'll knock it out of the park.

KIMBERLY: What about things you don't have strong opinions about?

ETHAN: Like what?

KIMBERLY: Um…Greece?

ETHAN: Damnit, I never did form an opinion on that.

KIMBERLY: Well, just form one then.

ETHAN: I don't know any of the facts involved!

KIMBERLY: That hasn't seemed to be a problem in the past.

ETHAN: Well, I don't want to get people riled up; this is supposed to be a pleasant occasion.

KIMBERLY: Fine, what are you going to do?

ETHAN: Well, I'm pretty adept at sounding smart. I'll just use a bunch of big words and join them together, and if that doesn't work, I'll dance.

KIMBERLY: What?

(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Evan Alexander, Ellen Alexander, Parker Spitzer, Mr. Taylors, Farmer John, Detective Zimmerman, Detective Reynolds, Mayor Sarandon, Norman Sanford, Ms. Blumenthal, Matthew Chambliss, Patrick White, Frank Reed, Erica Reed, Karen, Mr. and Mrs. Lautenberg, Trey Horn, Darcy Horn, Jeff Sanford, Tim, Mr. and Mrs. Bingaman and Mrs. Snowe in the Donahues' backyard, talking amongst each other, besides Ethan and Kimberly who look bewildered)

ETHAN: Jesus. How many people did you invite?

KIMBERLY: Eighteen, but six of those were just polite invitations for people who I never expected to come!

ETHAN: They all showed up. Including Ellen, and she hates you.

KIMBERLY: I was just being polite!

ETHAN: Wow, you would send an invitation to Joseph Kony so as not to appear rude.

KIMBERLY: It'd be a good way to catch him.

ETHAN: Whatever, we can't ask them to leave, that'd be weird. But we don't have enough food for all of them.

KIMBERLY: Ryan went to the store, let's call him.

ETHAN: Fine. What are we going to do about space though? We're going to have to stuff the Bingamans in the closet.

KIMBERLY: Damnit. We'll stay outside mostly.

ETHAN: Fine.

(Cut to Ryan at the store, walking through the tea aisle. He walks up to a shelf and grabs some sweet tea off of it. He then receives a call)

RYAN: Hello?

ETHAN: (On the phone) Hello? Is this the sweepstakes?

RYAN: No, it's Ryan.

ETHAN: Hey Ryan! Long-time listener, first-time caller. I think the answer is George Washington Carver.

RYAN: This is not a radio show, and you never listen to me!

ETHAN: Oh, it's Ryan.

RYAN: Yeah.

ETHAN: Well, get some more hot dogs, hot dog buns, beers, sodas and stuff, because our guest list is much larger than expected.

RYAN: I can't buy beer.

ETHAN: Don't you have a fake ID?

RYAN: No…

ETHAN: Then, how do you buy ecstasy?

RYAN: They don't just sell ecstasy at Tom Thumb! (Nervous) Also, I don't take ecstasy.

ETHAN: Well, then go to the gay district's Tom Thumb, they're bound to have a guy selling some Mike's Hard Lemonade in the back.

RYAN: The gay district doesn't have a Tom Thumb.

ETHAN: Then, maybe they have a "Tom Fist" or something.

(Ethan laughs)

RYAN: Jesus.

ETHAN: Or a Homo Depot. (Ethan laughs as Ryan shakes his head) Or a Balls Mart.

RYAN: Wow, okay. Hanging up.

(Ryan hangs up. He picks up a gallon of Sweet Tea and starts walking, when Michael, Brennan, Sarah, Eric and Michelle walk around the corner. Brennan is wearing a cast and has several bandages from his injuries in late June)

MICHELLE: Ryan. Hey, what's the deal?

RYAN: My dad's being a toolbox extraordinary and not letting me hang out with you guys because we'll "get into trouble" or something.

MICHAEL: Well, he was right.

(They laugh)

RYAN: Yeah, but it's still bullshit. What are you guys going to do?

BRENNAN: We're going to the top of Eric's dad's office building and watching the fireworks while drinking.

ERIC: I jacked my dad's ID card.

RYAN: Isn't your dad a judge?

ERIC: …Technically.

RYAN: So you guys are going to get drunk on top of a courthouse?

SARAH: Yes.

RYAN: That seems both unbelievably dumb and…BADASS! Oh, I wish I could come.

ERIC: Then come! We'll drop you off at your house, you can go into your room, turn on loud music on a loop, sneak out, come with us, your dad won't know the difference!

RYAN: I would, but he expects me to participate in some Independence Day cookout, spa and casino. You know, Sarah, Michael and Michelle's parents are there.

SARAH: Parent.

RYAN: Right.

MICHELLE: So that's what my parents meant when they said they were going to a "Whites Only Independence Day Heritage Jamboree".

RYAN: Why are your parents so racist?

MICHELLE: They're classy racists, not Klan racists. The kind of racists that exclude blacks from their country clubs, not their NASCAR office pool.

RYAN: Well, that's great, but for the time being, I have to get two packs of buns and hot dogs and try to smuggle Coors in my ass.

BRENNAN: If I was your brother, I'd say you'd enjoy that.

(They all chuckle)

RYAN: Goodbye.

BRENNAN: Bye.

ERIC: See ya.

SARAH: Have fun.

MICHAEL: Words.

(Michelle walks over to him and kisses him passionately)

MICHELLE: Bye.

RYAN: Bye.

(Ryan walks away as the others also walk away. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Ellen, Evan, Parker Spitzer and Mr. Taylors standing in the backyard with beers in their hands talking)

PARKER: The situation in Greece is insane, isn't it?

EVAN: Oh, absolutely. Robert, what do you think about the situation in Greece?

ROBERT TAYLORS: Well, I think that if you really weigh the factors involved in the Greek situation, and you really mull that over, that the conclusion you are going to come to is that Greece needs progress. Progresso. We're talking about soup, right?

PARKER: Yes.

EVAN: I think so.

ELLEN: I think we are.

ETHAN: Yes, we definitely are.

PARKER: Well, I love soup.

KIMBERLY: Oh, me too.

ETHAN: It's like brothy heaven.

(Cut to Kimberly in the kitchen getting Vodka out of the fridge. She gets it out and sets it on the table. She reaches into the cupboard and takes out a glass and pours it for herself, then gets orange juice out of the refrigerator and pours that in there. Then, Detective Zimmerman comes over holding a beer)

GEORGE: Tough party?

(Kimberly chuckles)

KIMBERLY: No, it's just that there's a shortage of beer, and we have to keep people sufficiently lubricated or they'll get stuck.

(George chuckles)

GEORGE: Well, they were drinking wine when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, weren't they?

(Kimberly chuckles)

KIMBERLY: I suppose they were.

GEORGE: You know, I really appreciate you inviting me.

KIMBERLY: It's the least we could do after you helped find out what happened to my son and his friends.

GEORGE: You know, it was three months ago it happened. But I wake up every morning, and it feels like it was yesterday.

KIMBERLY: Really? It was that big of a case for you?

(Ethan comes in)

ETHAN: Kim, I'm going to pick up some more fireworks.

KIMBERLY: Everything's closed today.

ETHAN: Then, where is Ryan?

KIMBERLY: He's at the Tom Thumb owned by that Croatian couple. They don't celebrate independence day.

ETHAN: Well, the fireworks stand I'm talking about is in the gay district.

KIMBERLY: Why does that matter?

ETHAN: Gays don't celebrate the fourth of July either.

KIMBERLY: I don't think that's ri-

ETHAN: Love you Kimmy, gotta go.

(Ethan walks out the door)

KIMBERLY: I guess I have to pick my battles.

GEORGE: I guess so. Are you having a good time?

KIMBERLY: Yes.

GEORGE: Good. That's all I care about.

KIMBERLY: Excuse me?

GEORGE: You know how bad I've felt the last three months feeling so much for you?

KIMBERLY: Oh. Um, Detective-

GEORGE: Please. George.

KIMBERLY: I'm flattered, but obviously, I'm married.

GEORGE: I know.

KIMBERLY: Is that why you felt bad?

GEORGE: No. I felt bad because I fell in love with you the minute I saw you, and the minute I saw you, you were crestfallen over your son and his friends. I felt guilty.

KIMBERLY: Well, there's no need to feel guilty, but, I'm married.

GEORGE: I know. But it's been difficult to accept that. I've seen the backs of people's heads on the street, looking just like yours. It breaks my heart every time it's not yours.

KIMBERLY: Okay. Well, I should get back. I think you'll understand that you've gotten this off your chest, and that's as far as it needs to go.

(Kimberly walks to the back door with her drink. Cut to Ryan waiting while the cashier scans his items. He scans the Sweet Tea and sees the price come up as 2.50)

RYAN: Whoa, two-fifty for a gallon of sweet tea? What gives? Last week it was one-seventy-five!

CASHIER: A local ordinance went into effect placing a seventy-five cent tax on sweet tea.

RYAN: Are you kidding me?

CASHIER: Hey, are you Ryan Donahue?

RYAN: Yeah…

CASHIER: Oh, well I'm Charlie, from your History class!

RYAN: Oh yeah!

CHARLIE: Right. You know, your dad, Ethan Donahue was a big crusader for that tax.

RYAN: Really? Why?

CHARLIE: He wanted more local grants for the SPIHC program.

(Ryan is becomes visibly angry. Cut to Ethan, Darcy, Trey, Norman, Mrs. Sanford, Ms. Blumenthal, Frank, Erica, Mr. Bingaman, Mrs. Bingaman and Farmer John siting in a circle on deck chairs in the backyard)

ETHAN: I was going to hold most of this barbecue on my newly built deck up there, but Kimberly said it isn't safe.

NORMAN: Well, it does look as though it's already collapsed.

(Ethan looks behind him and sees that the deck has in fact, collapsed)

ETHAN: Oh, fuck me! (He turns back around) When did that happen?! While I was at the fireworks place?!

DARCY: No, it's been like that since we got here

ETHAN: I knew I should've used Cheerios instead of Mini-Wheats.

TREY: Why would that matter?

(Ethan turns around again)

ETHAN: I take full responsibility.

TREY: You obviously weren't responsible enough to build a stable deck.

NORMAN: Let's change the subject. What does everybody think about the genocide in Syria?

DARCY: Oh, it's a terrible wretched thing. Bashar Al-Assad is a maniac.

FRANK: Absolutely. Ethan, what do you think about it?

ETHAN: Well, the Syrian situation is simply the result of an inherent failure in coexisting factors of agricultural development and transformation in the transgressions of sanitary…Jesuit…

(Ethan stands up and starts dancing, much to everybody's confusion)

MR. BINGAMAN: What…the fuck?

(Ethan stops dancing after a while)

ETHAN: Who wants more beer?

NORMAN: Me!

TREY: Definitely.

MS. BLUMENTHAL: Let's get a round.

(Everybody agrees and Ethan walks away)

NORMAN: So, that was strange, huh Edna?

EDNA SANFORD: Yeah, but for some reason, I feel compelled to believe that he's smart.

FARMER JOHN: You think he's smart? It takes a lot of measurin' to successfully maintain my farm every day.

MS. BLUMENTHAL: (Midwestern accent) You have a farm?

MR. BINGAMAN: No, Amy, he lives next door to the Donahues and he has a garden, nothing else.

AMY BLUMENTHAL: That's a farm to you?

FARMER JOHN: I planted them crops last week, and they really are getting up there.

MR. BINGAMAN: Yeah, but do you have any farm animals?

FARMER JOHN: I got a cat.

MR. BINGAMAN: Jesus.

ERICA: Anthony, he has overalls, a straw hat, a straw in his mouth and a watch made of straw, so that's good enough for me.

FARMER JOHN: I also got undergarments made of straw.

ANTHONY BINGAMAN: Isn't that uncomfortable?

FARMER JOHN: Farmer's got to do what a farmer's got to do.

ANTHONY: You don't "got to" do that.

(Ethan walks over with a cooler full of beers and sets it down)

ETHAN: Help yourselves. (Some of them grab more beer) My son should be back with more hot dogs momentarily.

(Ethan walks into the kitchen and runs into his son, who has the groceries)

RYAN: Hey.

ETHAN: Ryan, thank god you're here.

RYAN: Dad, did you support a tax on sweet tea of seventy-five cents?

ETHAN: …Yes.

RYAN: So you could put more money into SPIHC. Classic Ethan Donahue!

ETHAN: Thank you.

RYAN: Not a compliment.

ETHAN: But, it is a good name for a car dealership. "Classic Ethan Donahue".

RYAN: Focus. You put a tax on sweet tea to pay for one of the most evil programs ever. I was in it!

ETHAN: It's not evil, it whips kids into submission when they're crazy.

RYAN: It's like putting depressed rats in same cage as insane, syphilitic rats!

ETHAN: Ryan, I don't have time to discuss this right now. I have to maintain good times amongst the partygoers. Then of course, the fireworks.

RYAN: Fine.

(Ethan walks away. Cut to the circle of people talking, except this time it has Parker, Detective Reynolds, Mayor Sarandon, Amy, Matthew Chambliss, Frank Reed, Mr. Lautenberg, Trey, Darcy, Patrick White and Mrs. Snowe. Ethan walks there and sits down)

ETHAN: I can't wait for some fireworks.

TREY: You know, there is a great guy we know who is just a card.

DARCY: He is a riot!

TREY: Do you want us to call him?

ETHAN: …No.

MAYOR SARANDON: The only card here is the cards we are going to play after the fireworks.

PATRICK WHITE: Well, I can't stay too late, I have work in the morning. You know, reporting the news to the huddled masses. But, I was so excited for this party, that I brought along Matthew here.

MATTHEW: Yes…he did.

(Matthew gives Ethan the stink eye)

MR. LAUTENBERG: Well, Abigail and I don't work tomorrow because it's יום אחר יום חג.

ABIGAIL: Very important.

MRS. SNOWE: What's that Jewish holiday?

ABIGAIL: It's the Jewish Holiday that is required by the Torah to come the day after any American holiday.

MRS. SNOWE: I see.

ABIGAIL: Mordecai and I celebrate it by not going to work.

MORDECAI: Yes.

ETHAN: Well, I still have to work. And I do everything I possibly can for this guy here.

(Ethan indicates to Mayor Sarandon)

MAYOR SARANDON: Yes he does.

MATTHEW: Is that right?

ETHAN: Yes it is, Matthew. Yes it is.

MAYOR SARANDON: He's my Chief of Staff. He records my favorite shows on my DVR in my office, he supplies my office with scented candles and he fights off environmental protestors from entering my office.

ETHAN: But, I also coordinate staff functions and Mayoral actions. Occasionally I also push for legislation.

MRS. SNOWE: Well, that sounds very interesting.

ETHAN: It is, Nicole. We appreciate your daughter dating our son, by the way.

NICOLE SNOWE: Excuse me?

ETHAN: We appreciate-

(Kimberly comes over with a box of airsoft guns)

KIMBERLY: Airsoft guns, anyone? I found them in the closet and figured it could be fun for the younger folks here.

ETHAN: I do want to keep my youth and virility.

FRANK: Why the hell not?

(They start to get up. Cut to Ryan and Jeff Sanford sitting down near a fence exit)

RYAN: Jeff, why is my dad being such a dick? He taxed tea, he's not letting me go with his friends, and he taxed tea! Ugh, why am I asking you? You're seven.

JEFF: C'mon! I know how you feel. My dad can be a dick too.

RYAN: You're too young to be talking like that. I'm ten years older than you.

JEFF: I'm seven and a half, thank you very much. I turn eight next month.

RYAN: Well, congratulations.

JEFF: Thank you.

RYAN: My dad has always been somewhat restrictive, but he's amped it up for no particular reason now! It's not like this is the first time he's been suspicious of me.

JEFF: What does restrictive mean?

RYAN: It means, like, he impinges my freedom somewhat.

JEFF; Oh, I see.

RYAN: Wait, you know what "impinge" means but not "restrictive"?

JEFF: What does restrictive mean?

RYAN: Ugh. You know, for a little while he wasn't restrictive at all. A month and a half ago he stopped being a hardass for a little while, I don't know why, but he never stood up for me. I tackled him and choked him once when he didn't.

JEFF: Really? Did you get in trouble?

RYAN: No, he told me whatever we faced, we would face it together. But now, (Cut to Ethan talking to the others, with a ketchup stain on his back) he's just a red back.

JEFF: How do you get ketchup on your back?

RYAN: He makes his hot dogs behind his back so no one will know his secret ingredient. Unless of course, they look behind him. It's weird.

(Cut to Mrs. Bingaman, Norman, Kimberly and Detective Zimmerman talking in the backyard)

NORMAN: Brennan's trying to recover from having the shit beaten out of him at the mall.

MRS. BINGAMAN: He killed that kid in self-defense.

NORMAN: He did, but he's a walking target. I tried to enroll him in a martial arts self-defense class a year ago, he should've listened. In those classes, they teach you how to break the neck of an unarmed person.

MRS. BINGAMAN: That sounds a little less like self-defense and a little more like murder.

NORMAN: You get to keep the rest of your body, Wanda.

WANDA BINGAMAN: I guess.

NORMAN: Well, I'm going to get a drink.

WANDA: Me too.

(Norman and Wanda leave)

KIMBERLY: They're interesting.

GEORGE: Yes they are. Did you hear about them discovering the Higgs-Boson particle?

KIMBERLY: Of course.

GEORGE: Such a small thing, just making up everything around us. They say it's the reason things have mass. Otherwise, we'd just be floating in some limbo.

KIMBERLY: I suppose we would be.

GEORGE: Kimberly-

ETHAN: KIMBERLY!

KIMBERLY: What?

(Pan to Ethan holding an airsoft gun, along with Amy, Norman, Frank and Anthony)

ETHAN: Come see this, we're about to shoot at the fence.

KIMBERLY: Okay.

(Kimberly walks over there, leaving George disappointed. Cut to Ryan and Jeff by the back fence again)

JEFF: So, Sally was being a jerk and sniffing the glue I wanted to sniff-

(Michael, Brennan, Eric, Sarah and Michelle come through the fence doors)

MICHELLE: Surprise!

(Ryan stands up)

RYAN: Whoa, what are you guys doing here?

MICHELLE: I didn't want my boyfriend to spend the fourth of July alone without his girlfriend or his friends.

BRENNAN: Plus, the security guard wouldn't let us into the court building.

ERIC: Well, he did after we bribed him with our booze, but then we didn't have any booze.

MICHELLE: So, we decided to come spend time with you.

RYAN: Well, you're just in time, because I'm about to wreak havoc on this party to exact my revenge against my dad, for being a dick.

SARAH: How so?

RYAN: Well Sarah, I'm going to-(Picks a snowball off the ground) hit him with this snowball!

SARAH: Where the fuck did you get that?!

RYAN: What? It was on the ground!

SARAH: It's July!

RYAN: Michelle got coffee of the ground a month and a half ago! Remember?

MICHELLE: Yeah, but that's 100% all-natural Vermont ground coffee. (Michelle picks up a cup of coffee from the ground) It's only 43% dirt!

RYAN: Great pitch. Anyway, I'm going to pelt this snowball at dad and his cohorts. Pick up some snowballs and help me.

(They all pick up snowballs somehow and move to form a line in front of Ethan, Amy, Norman, Frank and Anthony, whose air soft guns are drawn)

ETHAN: Whoa, hold your fire! Ryan, what did I say about you hanging out with your friends today?

RYAN: You said I couldn't. What did you say about snowballs today?

ETHAN: I-I didn't say anything about-

(Ryan throws a snowball at Ethan, Sarah throws a snowball at Amy, Brennan throws a snowball at Norman, Michelle throws a snowball at Frank, Michael throws a snowball at Anthony and Eric throws a snowball at Ethan)

ETHAN: RYAN ANTHONY DONAHUE!

AMY: SARAH LELAND BLUMENTHAL!

RYAN: Leland?!

ANTHONY: MICHAEL DEGRASSE TYSON BINGAMAN!

ERIC: Like, the astrophysicist?

ANTHONY: Yes, like the astrophysicist!

NORMAN: BRENNAN SAMUEL SANFORD!

ETHAN: Also, that little shit Eric over there threw one at me! I don't know what your full name is, but if I did, I would say it commandingly! Also, when did you get out of the looney bin?

RYAN: How are you going to punish us? Are you going to shoot us with those airsoft rifles?

ETHAN: Of course not.

RYAN: C'mon, you pussies! Shoot us! Brave enough to tax tea but not brave enough to shoot all of us with a measly little pellet?!

ETHAN: Ryan, stop it.

RYAN: Do it!

ETHAN: Don't do it!

RYAN: DAMN YOU, FIRE!

(Amy, Norman, Frank and Anthony open fire on each of their respective children, and Norman shoots Eric and Ryan too)

SARAH: AGH!

BRENNAN: GODDAMNIT!

MICHELLE: OH, THAT HURT!

MICHAEL: WHY?!

ERIC: SHIT!

RYAN: GUYS, WHAT THE FUCK?!

FRANK: Ryan, you told us to open fire on you.

RYAN: Yeah, but I didn't think you would do it.

ETHAN: I gave no orders to fire, just for the record.

ERIC: What record?!

RYAN: You know what? (Ryan goes over to an ice box and takes out a gallon of sweet tea) This is taxed too much! This is taxation without representation!

BRENNAN: WHY DO I GET HURT ALL THE TIME?!

RYAN: Good question, Brennan. Why is Ethan a control freak? Or should I say, King Ethan.

BRENNAN: THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED!

RYAN: That is why I am hereby throwing this sweet tea into that kiddy pool, in protest!

(Ryan throws the tea into the kiddy pool)

ETHAN: Ryan, what the hell are you doing?

RYAN: You know what I'm doing! I'm declaring independence from you! Just like our forefathers envisioned.

ETHAN: Our forefathers did not envision the future existence of angsty emo faggots. Although, they did wear Capri pants and wigs, so they may have envisioned the future existence of regular faggots.

RYAN: Enough! I-(Takes out a piece of paper reading "Declaration of Independence from Ethan Donahue") hereby declare independence from you!

ETHAN: Okay, great, are you done?

RYAN: Yes I am.

(Ryan and his friends leave out the back fence)

ETHAN: Teenagers. What are you going to do? Shall we continue partying? The fireworks begin soon.

(Everybody verbally agrees. Cut to Ryan packing a bag in his room. Michelle and Brennan enter)

MICHELLE: What are you doing?

RYAN: I'm running away.

MICHELLE: Really? Where?

RYAN: I don't know, but I've been saving up money just in case it ever came to this.

MICHELLE: How much money do you have at the moment?

RYAN: One thousand dollars.

MICHELLE: Wow. Nice. From Hot Topic?

RYAN: Yes.

BRENNAN: Where are you going to go?

RYAN: I was thinking about it, and then I realized that the perfect place to go is Washington DC.

MICHELLE: Why?

RYAN: It's full of great monuments and museums, most of which are free, and then, there's a lot of homelessness, so there won't be suspicion of us, and then Washington DC is the city in which the entire emo movement originated!

BRENNAN: Really?

RYAN: Yeah, it's like our pilgrimage to Mecca! Except with less praying and bowing, and a lot more sulking and hair flipping.

MICHELLE: Wow. You know what…my dad still makes me really angry. He still rubs my make-up off-

RYAN: And puts it on himself.

MICHELLE: Yeah, exactly right, he still refuses to let me kiss him, and he keeps trying to treat me like a co-worker rather than a daughter. He asked me to create a spreadsheet of how much I love him for his birthday.

RYAN: Ouch.

MICHELLE: I think I'll go with you.

RYAN: Alright! Now we're talking. Brennan?

BRENNAN: Well, my dad's still pissed that I got my wrist signed by Mallart Bond a month and a half ago.

(Brennan rolls his bracelets down to reveal the writing "MALLART BOND TO BRENNAN" etched into his wrist with a knife)

RYAN: Aw, I still haven't met Mallart Bond and you got your wrist mutilated by him. I'm jealous.

BRENNAN: And my nanny keeps bitching about psychiatrists all day. Although to be fair, they are the devil's vaginal fluid.

MICHELLE: That's true.

BRENNAN: Well, I'm going too.

RYAN: Terrific! Then it's settled. Although Brennan, you will have to awkwardly sit by while we make out occasionally.

BRENNAN: Yeah, that'll be great.

RYAN: Great! Anyway, a train ticket from Burlington to Washington DC is 339 dollars, so I should have more than enough.

MICHELLE: So you didn't just come up with this idea.

RYAN: Go and get packed and meet me back here.

BRENNAN: Okay!

MICHELLE: Love you.

(Ryan looks towards her)

RYAN: Love you, too.

(They start making out)

BRENNAN: I guess I'll start now.

(Cut to everyone in the backyard, watching the fireworks shoot up, going "Ooh" and "Aaah" with each one. Cut to Kimberly sitting on a lawn chair right next to Ethan. George comes over)

GEORGE: Ethan, I appreciate the fun, and now I'm afraid I must depart.

ETHAN: Oh, well thank you very much for coming George. And thanks again for all the work you did for my son and his friends.

GEORGE: Not a problem.

(George shakes hands with Ethan and then shakes hands with Kimberly, and rubs his thumb against hers and holds her hand slightly longer than Ethan. George nods and leaves, leaving Kimberly conflicted. Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Brennan sitting on a train looking out the window. Brennan is asleep and Ryan and Michelle hold hands tight. Fade to black)

THE END





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