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The Donahues Episode 33

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Hansbay High reconvenes for the 2012-2013 school year, Ryan becomes jealous of the smartest kid in school, Jacob encourages Kirsten to focus less on theatre after he sees her kiss another guy while rehearsing a play and Madeline starts her first day at the New England Institute of Technology


Submitted:Aug 24, 2012    Reads: 13    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"BAK 2 SCOOL"

TV-MA DL

"Years of experience, been through this before. It doesn't get any easier, of this she's sure"

- La La Laurie

(We start with Ryan, Jacob, Brennan, Sarah, Ross, Beckett, Kirsten and Scott sitting at a table in the cafeteria before school starts)

RYAN: Why are we starting school so early?

MICHELLE: I know!

RYAN: Every other school is coming back on the 27th, the 29th or the 4th, like Burlington High, South Burlington High, Montpelier High, Vermont State, Ben and Jerry Technical Institute and the Governor Peter Shumlin's nose school for the performing arts.

JACOB: Well, we got out late and we're starting early, but at least we don't have to worry about when Brattleboro Retreat's school year begins. (They all chuckle) No offense, Sarah.

SARAH: None taken. I'm totally over Logan. He's getting the help he needs at Brattleboro Retreat.

SCOTT: I'm so glad to be here, guys. This is exciting.

RYAN: Scott, the only reason you're here is because Madeline, Britney, Kyle and Adam graduated.

SCOTT: Well, I can't wait to tell you guys about some of my favorite bands. Like Neutral Milk Hotel, Moderate OJ Motel and Centrist Silk Condo.

BECKETT: Shut up before we regret including you.

ROSS: My goal this year is to work hard, study hard and ah, fuck it, I'm a senior aren't I?

BECKETT: Yes you are. We're probably going to come down with bad cases of senioritis.

JACOB: I first got Senioritis last January.

BECKETT: Like, this most recent January or-

JACOB: I mean January 2011.

BECKETT: When you were a sophomore?

JACOB: Yep.

BECKETT: Damn.

JACOB: Yeah, it's in the later most stages. Pretty soon I will procrastinate about putting the date on pieces of paper.

KIRSTEN: Wow, Jacob. I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I am still going to work hard this year. You don't see Ryan Lochte half-assing his last lap do you?

RYAN: Who?

KIRSTEN: Ryan Lochte, the American Olympic swimmer?

JACOB: My God, Kirsten, save it for 2016, I've already forgotten all the names. It's over.

KIRSTEN: Okay.

(Principal Maxell and Counselor Vammberg walk over to the table)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Aw, if it isn't the juniors and the seniors, coming together, like the first supper.

RYAN: You mean the last supper.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: YOU'LL be the last supper if you don't shut it.

RYAN: Wow.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: All of you assholes better listen up. Last year was full of shenanigans and tomfoolery; well, mostly the last four months of last year. This year it's going to be different. No shenanigans, no tomfoolery. Isn't that right, Tom?

(Pan to a guy eating wet concrete with a sign next to it reading "Not Concrete, Cupcakes!")

TOM: I'm so easily fooled!

(Pan back)

MICHELLE: We promise you sir; we girlfriends will keep our boyfriends practicing good behavior.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: That's special. (Principal Maxell sits down in between everybody) It is my sincere belief that this year will remembered in the history books as the year that stoners, emos, hipsters and black people came together to act responsibly in the face of temptation. If it's not remembered that way, I will take the history books and shove it down each of you guys' throats while you're not looking.

RYAN: How could we not look at that?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Welcome to the 2012-2013 Hansbay High School year.

(Cut to Ryan in his history class, which also has Brennan in it. They are sitting next to each other. The teacher walks into class, sets down the suitcase on his desk and writes "Mr. Harkins" on the white board. He then takes out a paint brush, dips it in paint and walks around the room painting the wall with once red stripe. Once he's done, he turns to the class)

MR. HARKINS: This is history. We are going to cover here (points to one part of the line) to here (points to another part of the line three inches away from the first part), understood?

(Ryan raises his hand)

MR. HARKINS: Yes, the Goth kid in the back.

RYAN: Wow, I am not Goth. I don't wear makeup and I don't dress like it's the 17th century.

MR. HARKINS: What do you want Goth?

RYAN: (Sighs) Were you allowed to paint along the wall like that?

MR. HARKINS: I don't actually know. Maybe, though.

RYAN: That doesn't sound too reassuring.

MR. HARKINS: You know, you Goth kids need to grow up. Drop the fake rebellion against social norms bullshit and just do your work. Is that so much to ask? You're a junior now. Get over your phase. I've seen you walking around dressing like that for two fucking years. Now I will concern myself with repercussions for my actions and you will concern yourself with repercussions for yours. Understood?

RYAN: Mr. Harkins, I didn't mean any disrespect, I just don't know if Principal Maxell will be too thrilled that you painted his walls.

MR. HARKINS: I know the lackluster grades you got last year, Ryan. It's time to step it up.

RYAN: Yes sir.

MR. HARKINS: Good. Now, today we have to get to know each other. So I'm going to call on random people and they are going to tell me when and where they were born, what their names are and two interesting facts about themselves, and at that point they will be known and none of you will ever have to speak or listen to that person for the rest of the year. First up, Goth kid.

RYAN: Okay. (He stands up) I am Ryan Donahue; I was born on June 6, 1995 in Hansbay, Vermont. I cut myself on a daily basis and my favorite ice cream flavor is banana.

(Ryan sits down)

MR. HARKINS: Very good, Ryan. You in the front, with the shirt?

(Some student in the back without a shirt on stands up)

STUDENT WITHOUT SHIRT: He means me.

MR. HARKINS: I obviously don't. I mean the kid with the Aeropostale shirt.

(The shirtless kid sits down and the Aeropostale kid stands up)

AEROPOSTALE KID: My name is Brandon Nehring. I was born on October 11, 1995 in Boston, Massachusetts. I am double-jointed-

MR. HARKINS: For the love of God, don't demonstrate.

BRANDON: Okay, and I have a dog named Stacy.

MR. HARKINS: Great.

RYAN: Hey Brennan, who is that kid?

BRENNAN: He is the smartest kid in school. Highest GPA, he gets one-hundreds on everything. He wrote math equations on the inside of his mother's womb like that janitor from Good Will Hunting.

RYAN: Wow.

(Cut to Kirsten as Belle and some Hispanic student as the Prince in Beauty and the Beast)

STUDENT: Belle! It's me!

KIRSTEN: It is you!

(They both kiss, making Jacob visibly jealous. The theatre teacher, who is the same one from last year, walks on stage carrying a bottle of bourbon)

THEATRE TEACHER: (Slurred speech, clearly drunk) You call this SHIT acting? This is theatre II people, take off your diapers and put on adult diapers! I wear them. Plus, a Hispanic Beast? That's ridiculous. "Belle, let's get married so I can apply for a green card in two years!" Now, let's take a five minute wrap.

(She sits down in a nearby rocking chair and goes to sleep as students walk off stage. Kirsten goes up to Jacob)

KIRSTEN: Hey, what are you doing here?

JACOB: I asked to go to the bathroom.

KIRSTEN: Oh. Well, the bathroom's actually cattycorner from here-

JACOB: Kirsten, I asked to go to the bathroom so I could see you.

KIRSTEN: Oh. (Laughs) Of course.

JACOB: So, you were…pretty good in that scene.

KRISTEN: Thanks.

JACOB: Well, you seemed to enjoy that scene.

KIRSTEN: I think we did alright.

JACOB: Yeah…you know, I was thinking, maybe you should focus less on theatre this year.

KIRSTEN: Why would I do that?

JACOB: Because then you can focus more on your awesome boyfriend!

KIRSTEN: Jacob, theatre is my way in! I'm going to be a star someday! I think I'm devoting a perfectly appropriate amount of attention to our relationship.

JACOB: Kirsten, I'm not saying we're going to get married, because 90% of high school sweetheart marriages end in a murder trial, I'm just saying that the strongest months of our relationship were June, July and most of August because you didn't have theater to worry about.

KIRSTEN: Jacob, you can't stop me from pursuing my dreams. Sorry.

(Kirsten walks away)

JACOB: Kirsten!

(She keeps walking away. Cut to Madeline holding two bags near the door talking to Ethan and Kimberly. Kimberly is in tears)

KIMBERLY: My baby is going to go away…(Crying)…why?!

ETHAN: Kimberly, it's going to be okay. She'll call us, visit us, Skype us.

KIMBERLY: What the fuck is Skype?

ETHAN: It's a-uh, it doesn't matter, she'll be fine.

MADELINE: I'll be fine, mom. I love you guys.

ETHAN: Didn't the summer classes start like a month ago?

MADELINE: Yeah, but the fall classes start October ninth.

KIMBERLY: Then why are you leaving right now?

MADELINE: I need to move into my dorm and I just want to get a sense of the community.

KIMBERLY: It's Rhode Island! It only became a state because Massachusetts felt bad for it. Their population is fifty, tops!

MADELINE: They actually have a larger population than Vermont-

KIMBERLY: TOPS!

ETHAN: Maddie, you'll be sorely missed around here. But I agree with your mother, you should go to Warwick, Rhode Island to settle in and prepare for your classes starting in October.

KIMBERLY: That was not what I was saying!

MADELINE: I will. Bye, you guys. (Madeline, Kimberly and Ethan hug and Madeline lets go of them eventually and heads out the door. Cut to Madeline outside a dorm room. She knocks on the door, but no one answers. She puts the key in the door and opens the door to reveal a really messy dorm) Wow.

(Some kid walks out of another room looking like a stoner)

KID: Hey, you must be my dorm mate.

MADELINE: Yeah, I am.

KID: I'm Cameron Carpenter.

MADELINE: Madeline Donahue.

(Cameron and Madeline shake hands)

MADELINE: So, how long have you been going here?

CAMERON: I'm a freshman; I got here like half an hour ago.

MADELINE: How did you make this big a mess in half an hour?

CAMERON: I don't know, I put my clothes in a pile over there to be sorted and folded at an unspecified time and I brought all the food wrappers from my old room and put them in that sink.

MADELINE: Why?

CAMERON: Makes me feel more at home.

MADELINE: It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

CAMERON: Well, me casa su casa. So, where did you go to high school?

MADELINE: Hansbay High.

CAMERON: I've heard that's a very good school.

MADELINE: Not really. Some of the teachers sell drugs, someone once knocked out the principal, the school board once decided to hire Mitt Romney to tackle my brother and cut his hair and then they put my brother in a school-sanctioned looney bin.

CAMERON: Wow, that would be great. I went to Winooski High School.

MADELINE: God help you.

CAMERON: It was just an awful high school. Just terrible.

MADELINE: Yeah, I've heard things. Your textbooks warn of "filthy reds" and call the Chinese Exclusion Act a "brave law brought on by the highest Caucasians".

CAMERON: Yeah, they're on loan from a school in Mississippi.

MADELINE: I also heard the morning-after pill is available in your vending machines.

CAMERON: Well, I heard you're half-wolf, doesn't mean it's true!

MADELINE: HOW has everybody heard that?! Also, is anything I said about your school not true?

CAMERON: No.

MADELINE: Great. Now, I need you to help me move some stuff.

CAMERON: That's great, because I need you to help me move my unnecessarily large bong.

(Pan over to a three-foot tall bong)

MADELINE: You know, that just makes smoking pot more difficult.

CAMERON: Yeah, but I love to take pictures of it and irresponsibly post them on Facebook.

MADELINE: Are you-

CAMERON: I'm friends with like four professors and the President of the college.

MADELINE: Got it. Help me move, then I'll help you and then we'll clean this place up for God's sake.

CAMERON: Let's do it.

(They leave the room. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Sarah, Michael and Michelle eating lunch)

MICHAEL: Women have a way of shutting their ovulation down during a rape; Todd Akin knew what he was talking about.

SARAH: There is no way that's true.

MICHAEL: They have like an ovulatory fire alarm. When an unwelcomed intruder comes in, they can pull it and all ovulatory activities cease immediately.

MICHELLE: Why can't I do that right now then?

MICHAEL: You have no reason to!

BRENNAN: He got that theory from some doctor from the 50s, he probably also thinks working the snack counter at a theatre is too overwhelming for a woman.

RYAN: Shut up, you guys. There's Brandon over there.

(They all look to the left, where Ryan is looking. Pan to Brandon at table talking to his friends)

BRENNAN: So?

RYAN: Look at him over there. Doesn't he make you sick?

MICHELLE: Why would he?

RYAN: Because he's the smartest kid in school, he has the highest GPA and everything and-

MICHAEL: Does he flaunt it?

RYAN: No, but you can tell that in his mind he thinks he's better than everyone.

BRENNAN: WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

RYAN: Yeah! Exactly right.

MICHELLE: Just because you think someone thinks too highly of themselves in their head doesn't mean they do.

RYAN: You can just tell, though. I mean, what makes him a better student than me?

MICHAEL: Well, you did bribe your teachers with fruit baskets last year so they would pass you.

RYAN: That's not relevant.

MICHAEL: I'm not saying he's better than you, per se, I'm saying he's a better student, and probably also a better person. Because no offense; you're kind of self-centered, cynical and lazy and Brandon is selfless, optimistic and hard-working.

MICHELLE: Yeah, I'd say he has all the good qualities that you do not possess.

RYAN: C'mon, are you kidding me? He's over there with his dumb shirt and his dumb jeans with those dumb pockets on the side. He's probably lied before.

SARAH: Who hasn't lied? We're human, right?

RYAN: I have never told a lie.

MICHELLE: Yes you have! You told me a lie over text not four days ago!

RYAN: Texting doesn't count; technology is like the New York Stock Exchange of lies.

SARAH: Isn't the New York Stock Exchange the New York Stock Exchange of lies?

MICHAEL: Nice.

(Sarah and Michael high-five)

RYAN: I'm going to go over there and teach him a lesson.

MICHELLE: Ryan, don't.

(Ryan gets up and walks over to Brandon's table as they're all laughing. He fake laughs with them and sits down)

RYAN: HA HA! Something's funny, what's funny?

BRANDON: Ryan, I'm glad you came over. Guys, this is Ryan, he's in my history class.

STUDENT: Hi, Ryan.

RYAN: Listen, let's skip the bullshit and get down to the nutty gritty.

BRANDON: …Okay?

RYAN: You overachiever fellas make me laugh. You come down here from Essex High School or whatever the fuck and you act like you own the town.

STUDENT: He's from Stowe High School.

RYAN: I don't give a fuck where he's from, boy-o. He's in Hansbay now.

BRANDON: I'm sorry, where is all this aggression coming from?

RYAN: Brandon, you're kind of a cock. There, I said it, it's out there, I'm sorry, but everybody thinks that you think too highly of yourself.

BRANDON: I don't think I think too highly of myself, I try to be as modest as possible.

RYAN: Aha! You think so highly of yourself that you brag about how modest you are. Nice.

BRANDON: Listen, YOU brought it up. I'm just defending myself.

RYAN: Well Brandon, everybody thinks you actively avoid flaunting your intelligence, but that you still think you're better than us in that big giant head of yours.

BRANDON: Why should I be punished for what you think I'm thinking? Especially since I'm not thinking that?

RYAN: You think you're a God and a half? Well I have news for you. God wouldn't even hire you as his accountant. You would be his janitor.

BRANDON: I would be honored to work for God in any capacity.

RYAN: Fine, then he would give Satan a recommendation.

BRANDON: If he's giving me a recommendation that means I worked for him at one point.

RYAN: Fine, it's a bad recommendation.

BRANDON: Wouldn't Satan like that?

RYAN: Jesus Christ.

BRANDON: Don't take the Lord's name in vain.

RYAN: Oh no. This just got real.

(Ryan gets up, walks backwards and points at Brandon while shaking his head. Cut to Kirsten eating mashed potatoes at lunch while sitting with some of her theatre friends)

THEATRE KID: I think the domestic abuse scene went really well.

THEATRE KID 1: That sounds kind of weird. It worked for production.

THEATRE KID: No, it went terrifically.

THEATRE KID 1: Preston, just say it worked.

PRESTON: Natasha, I'm saying it more than worked, it was exhilarating.

KIRSTEN: Guys, I think Jacob is jealous of Preston.

PRESTON: Why would he be jealous of me?

KIRSTEN: Because you got to kiss me in that one scene.

NATASHA: He saw it?

KIRSTEN: Yes, he came to surprise me and he saw our kissing scene.

PRESTON: How do you know he was jealous?

KIRSTEN: Because he encouraged me to focus less on theatre.

NATASHA: Wow, dick move.

KIRSTEN: Right?

PRESTON: Is that why he's not sitting with us?

KIRSTEN: Yeah, he's probably at some fast food place with Ross.

PRESTON: You know what would be hilarious? If we had a sex scene just to make him jealous.

KIRSTEN: (Laughs) That would be funny.

PRESTON: We should do it!

KIRSTEN: Really?

PRESTON: Yeah, teach him a lesson for being a dick.

KIRSTEN: …You know what? Yeah! We would joke about it afterwards and leave it behind us.

NATASHA: Are you sure that's such a good idea? I mean, how would you do it?

PRESTON: We would just imply that it was happening, and our teacher's drunk so she would put it in.

KIRSTEN: Yeah, this could work.

(Preston and Kirsten shake hands. Cut to Jacob and Ross having lunch at Bernie's Grinders)

JACOB: It's like she was enjoying it so much.

ROSS: She is an actor.

JACOB: She's not that good an actor. Or maybe she's too good of an actor.

ROSS: I don't think she'd be too thrilled about what you're saying right now.

JACOB: You're right. She doesn't like it when I criticize her clothing either.

ROSS: What is wrong with you?

JACOB: She wears cardigans! She's not a receptionist for God's sake!

ROSS: Just pretend you're Jim and she's Pam.

JACOB: And do what? Lose interest with my character after eight long seasons and half-ass my way through the ninth? No way.

ROSS: You're describing John Krasinski.

JACOB: Well, I have to get back at her. Maybe I could come on to Sarah and she'll catch me, and I'll be all like "Now you know how I feel!".

ROSS: That's a terrible idea.

JACOB: I'm not really going to do anything with Sarah, I'm just going to pretend to so I can teach her a lesson.

ROSS: Yeah, unfortunately that idea retains the terrible factor I was initially concerned with. I just think you're a little too jealous. Just go talk to her.

JACOB: Ugh, you're right. HEY JOSH! THAT PROVOLONE AIN'T GONNA MAKE ITSELF!

JOSH: (Offscreen) YOU DIDN'T ORDER PROVOLONE!

(Cut to Kirsten sitting outside the theatre room reading a book. Jacob comes over and sits down next to her)

JACOB: Hey.

KIRSTEN: Hey.

JACOB: How's that book?

KIRSTEN: It's great, it has pages and margins and page numbers and an index and a front and back cover and a short bio of the author-

JACOB: Kirsten, these are all things that most books have.

KIRSTEN: Yeah.

JACOB: What are you doing outside of theatre class anyway?

KIRSTEN: We're reconvening after lunch. The period is split in two with a thirty-minute break for lunch in between.

JACOB: Okay, well-

(The door opens and Ms. Marshall pokes her head out)

MS. MARSHALL: Hey, back to the salt minds, Kirsten!

(Kirsten gets up)

KIRSTEN: Watch me.

JACOB: Okay, sure.

(Kirsten and Jacob go in and shut the door. Cut to Madeline bringing in a lamp while Cameron sits on his couch watching The Tonight Show)

JAY LENO: Welcome to the Tonight Show, or as Comcast likes to call it "The Expendables"! HA! HA HA! PEOPLE LOST THEIR JOBS HERE! HA HA HA! THEIR LIVELIHOODS HAVE BEEN DESTROYED AND THEIR SORUCE OF INCOME CUT OFF! HA HA! HOW CAN THEY AFFORD THINGS NOW?! HA!

MADELINE: Thanks for all the help.

CAMERON: Sorry, it's just that I never miss Jay Leno. He has some of the best attempts at humor I've ever seen.

(Madeline puts the lamp down)

MADELINE: Cameron, if we're going to live together, we're going to need to set down some ground rules.

CAMERON: Let me set a ground rule first. My ground rule is NO SMOKING.

MADELINE: You have a three-foot tall bong over there.

CAMERON: Yeah, but smoking is just obnoxious.

MADELINE: Fine. Here are my ground rules. First of all, help me out around the house.

CAMERON: I would, but my knee is weird.

MADELINE: Like, it's injured?

CAMERON: It's just weird, I don't know.

MADELINE: Is that a medical term? You have a "weird" knee?

CAMERON: Yeah, it's just…yeah.

MADELINE: Okay, I'd love to get a Doctor's note for that.

CAMERON: I'll be sure to do that.

MADELINE: Great. I need you to keep this place clean.

CAMERON: I'm used to clutter. It keeps me at peace.

MADELINE: It keeps me in rage.

CAMERON: Well don't worry, eventually our cycles will synchronize and we can have our conniptions at the same time.

MADELINE: Oh my God.

(Cut to Ryan and Michael sitting next to each other in Science class. Brandon is at the front of the classroom)

MICHAEL: How are we going to teach him a lesson about thinking he's better than us by not openly exhibiting that belief?

RYAN: Watch and see, Michael. Watch and see.

MICHAEL: Watch and see are the same thing.

RYAN: Shut it. (Ryan takes out a Monster™®© from his back pack and walks over to Brandon's desk) Hey Brandon, I just wanted to apologize for my abrasive attitude earlier.

BRANDON: Oh, that's fine. It's the first day of school, it's stressful.

RYAN: Yeah. I'd like to offer you this Monster Energy Drink as a peace offering.

BRANDON: (Chuckles) Thanks, but no thanks.

RYAN: Are you denying my peace offering?

BRANDON: Yes, but I'm not denying your peace.

RYAN: If you don't accept my peace offering you don't accept my peace. Like the saying goes, "You have to throw the baby out with the bath water".

BRANDON: That's not how that goes, but fine, I'll take your peace offering. Thanks.

(Brandon takes the Monster and Ryan goes back to his desk)

RYAN: Peace offering? More like piss offering. I just need him to go to the bathroom in a few minutes.

MICHAEL: Why?

RYAN: Watch and see.

MICHAEL: Stop saying that.

(The elderly female teacher goes up to the head of the class)

TEACHER: Hello, class. I am Mrs. Tucker and I've worked here longer than any other teacher here. When I started here I was twenty-eight years old and the year was 1975. I'm surprised I was never fired for hooking up with a student because a few of them came onto me.

STUDENT: Jesus Christ.

MRS. TUCKER: Anyway, now that I'm an elderly heap of droopy flesh and arthritic joints, let's begin the 2012-2013 school year also known as, my 37th class. Today, we're going to fill out questionnaires about ourselves so we can learn more about each other, as if any of us actually give two fucks and a shit. Afterwards I will collect them and read them aloud.

(Mrs. Tucker walks around passing out papers. Everybody takes one and starts writing down things about themselves. Ryan gets up and goes to the teacher's desk to get a tissue, but then also sneakily attains another questionnaire. He goes back to his desk and starts filling both out. Brandon takes a sip of his Monster and appears to like it very much. He takes another sip and eventually ten minutes passes. He raises his hand)

MR. TUCKER: Yes, student?

BRANDON: Can I use the restroom?

MR. TUCKER: Did you finish your questionnaire?

BRANDON: Yes.

MR. TUCKER: Then go.

(Brandon turns in his questionnaire and leaves the class. Then, Ryan walks up to the tray, takes out Brandon's questionnaire and puts in his own questionnaire and a fabricated version of Brandon's questionnaire. He then goes to sit back down. Minutes later, Brandon comes back in and sits down. Mrs. Tucker then picks up the questionnaires)

MR. TUCKER: If you are not done with your questionnaires then you are SHIT out of luck, because I am reading them right now.

RYAN: (Whispering to Michael) I don't get it, are we going to have a pleasant teacher today?

MRS. TUCKER: First up, Aaron Aardvark. Wait, why are these in alphabetical order?

AARON: They're not; I just like to get my papers in first.

MRS. TUCKER: Yeah, well the next one is Bob Barker.

(Pan to Bob Barker sitting at his desk wearing a backwards baseball cap and saggy pants)

BOB BARKER: I'm an eighty-eight year old man going back to eleventh grade, this is a great premise.

MRS. TUCKER: Get out of here and go castrate dogs or whatever.

BOB BARKER: On it.

(Bob Barker takes out a knife and leaves the room)

MRS. TUCKER: Let's start. Aaron Aardvark is a fan of Abe Lincoln, Ace Hardware store and Adam and Eve, C'MON, MAN!

(A few minutes later)

MRS. TUCKER: Here we go, Ryan Donahue was born on June 6, 1995 in Hansbay, Vermont, has two parents and two siblings. He is a fan of Devil's Niece, anime, black people-

RYAN: (Whispering to Michael) Getting in good with them now will come in use later.

MICHAEL: (Whispering to Ryan) Smart move.

MRS. TUCKER: He likes cereal, Vikings, dislikes Puerto Ricans-

RYAN: (Whispering) You don't want to get in good with everybody, you gotta step on a few toes get ahead, you know what I'm saying?

MRS. TUCKER; Everybody can you hear you.

RYAN: Oh.

MRS. TUCKER: Anyway, you also write that you don't like goals that are too hard to achieve.

RYAN: Yep.

MRS. TUCKER: Great, next up, Brandon Nehring. Brandon Nehring was born on October 11, 1995 in Boston, Massachusetts. His interests are snorting Ritalin off of dictionaries and having weekly D&D sessions with Stephen Hawking?!

(Everybody starts laughing)

BRANDON: WHAT? (Brandon stands up) I didn't write that!

MRS. TUCKER: It says here you like to take shits because it feels like you have a dick up your ass.

BRANDON: Oh my God. That is disgusting. Mrs. Tucker, someone fabricated that!

MRS. TUCKER: It has your name signed right here.

BRANDON: That doesn't mean I wrote it.

MRS. TUCKER: I suppose you're right. Who fabricated this?!

(Dead silence)

BRANDON: YOU GUYS ARE JERKS!

(Brandon runs out of the room as everyone laughs, except for Ryan. Ryan runs out of the room after him and stops him on his way to the bathroom)

RYAN: Brandon!

(Brandon turns around)

BRANDON: WHAT?

RYAN: Brandon, I'm really sorry. But I did that.

BRANDON: What the fuck, dude? We had a deal.

RYAN: I realize that and I feel really, really bad for embarrassing you like that. It's just…I was jealous of how smart you are.

BRANDON: Ryan…I'm not that smart. Honestly, I am of extremely average intelligence. I can't name who the 32nd President is.

RYAN: Franklin Delano Roosevelt. (Ryan's eyes widen) OH MY GOD.

BRANDON: There you go. Ryan, I don't get my exemplary grades from being especially smart, I get them from working especially hard. You seem like a smart kid, Ryan. You just have to work at it.

RYAN: Wow. Thanks, Brandon.

BRANDON: You are welcome. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the principal to report you for doing that.

RYAN: Brandon! Wait! Don't! I will do anything! Please don't tell Maxell!

BRANDON: …Okay. Set me up with Sarah.

RYAN: Blumenthal?

BRANDON: Yes.

RYAN: …Okay. It's a deal.

(They shake hands. Cut to Ms. Marshall sitting in the theatre room holding a bottle of gin. Kirsten and Preston walk up to her)

KIRSTEN: Ms. Marshall, we were wondering if we could add a sex scene at the end.

PRESTON: Yeah, but everything's simulated and the audience sees nothing. We basically just jump behind a couch and start making sex noises. Maybe while lying on top of each other.

MS. MARSHALL: What the fuck are you talking about? This is Beauty and the Beast, not Beauty and the BEAST.

KIRSTEN: Right, but-

MS. MARSHALL: Or Booty and the Beast.

KIRSTEN: Okay, but-

MS. MARSHALL: Or Fruity and the Beast. That would be the gay porn version.

PRESTON: Ms. Marshall, please.

MS. MARSHALL: I don't think Principal Maxell would be too thrilled about a sex scene in our musical.

KIRSTEN: I don't think he'd be too thrilled that you're holding a bottle of gin and using schnapps as hair curlers right now.

MS. MARSHALL: …Touché'. Have your sex scene.

PRESTON: Great.

(Kirsten and Preston go up on stage)

PRESTON: Belle, it's me!

KIRSTEN: It is you!

(Preston and Kirsten start making out and then they jump onto a couch and it falls over and while they are obscured by the bottom of the couch the start making sex noises)

KIRSTEN: UH! UH! GIVE ME YOUR BEAST!

PRESTON: OKAY! UH! UH! THIS ROSE'LL NEVER WILT!

KIRSTEN: UH! IS LUMIERE WATCHING?

PRESTON: YOU MEAN THE CANDELABRA GUY?

KIRSTEN: YEAH!

PRESTON: NO, HE'S CLEARLY A HOMOSEXUAL! UH!

(Jacob is watching, disgusted. He texts someone and then walks back stage. Cut to Jacob waiting backstage. Sarah comes in)

JACOB: Hey Sarah.

SARAH: Hey Jacob. I got your text saying that "Soul Eater" was filmed here.

JACOB: Yep. It was.

SARAH: "Soul Eater" is a series of comic books.

JACOB: Yeah, but the anime version was filmed here.

SARAH: Anime is animated.

JACOB: Damnit.

SARAH: Listen, I know you were trying to lure me here, so what do you want?

(Jacob looks at his watch)

JACOB: Come here.

SARAH: Okay.

(Sarah walks closer to him and Jacob puts his hands on her hips and brings her closer to him)

JACOB: Hey.

SARAH: What are you doing?

JACOB: You'll see.

(Cut to Kirsten and Preston getting up from behind the couch, laughing)

PRESTON: Oh, that was epic.

KIRSTEN: It so was.

PRESTON: Your boyfriend's going to be so mad.

(Kirsten looks at where Jacob's supposed to be)

KIRSTEN: Where is Jacob?

PRESTON: I don't know.

KIRSTEN: He must've just left.

PRESTON: Well…I would never leave you.

(Preston leans in to kiss Kirsten and she gives in. They start making out and they navigate their way to backstage, where Jacob is still very close to Sarah. Once Jacob sees Kirsten and Preston making out, he starts kissing Sarah profusely. Kirsten and Jacob maintain peripheral eye contact as they each make out with their respective spite partner. After a while they stop kissing their spite partners and start yelling at each other in unison. Eventually, Preston and Sarah just run out of the room. Cut to Madeline walking out of Cameron's room with a beer bong a regular bong in both hands while Cameron is on the couch smoking a weed pipe)

MADELINE: Cameron, I found HAMSTERS crawling around in these many interconnected bongs in your room.

(Cameron stands up)

CAMERON: Madeline, you destroyed my Hamster Civilization made entirely of bongs! Thanks a bunch!

MADELINE: Cameron, that is so stupid. One of the hamsters drowned in an excess pool of bong water!

CAMERON: He died doing what he loved.

MADELINE: You're disgusting! I honestly don't know if I can live with a stoner who obviously doesn't give a shit about anybody!

CAMERON: Save the insolence for your RA!

MADELINE: Okay.

CAMERON: NO! DON'T!

MADELINE: Fine. (Madeline takes out a pack of cigarettes, packs them, takes one out and puts it in her mouth and lights it, sucks in and takes it out, blowing the smoke into his face) You like that? If you're not going to follow my rules, then I am NOT following yours.

CAMERON: Madeline, I am an adult now, I don't need someone constantly telling me what to do!

MADELINE: Then you can deal with this.

(She sucks in again and blows more smoke out)

CAMERON: Madeline…

MADELINE: What?

CAMERON: C'mon, stop it.

MADELINE: No.

CAMERON: Madeline, my dad died of lung cancer from smoking.

MADELINE: …Oh. (She puts the cigarette out in a nearby ash tray) I'm sorry to hear that.

CAMERON: Yeah. Listen, I know that I've been inconsiderate since we've lived together and I'm sorry, it's just that my mom did not do well once dad passed, so I was a latchkey child while she worked two jobs just to keep fish on the table. As a result, my childhood was very undisciplined, so I'm used to being unorganized and not following orders. But I guess I'll have to change now that I'm an adult, out in the real world.

MADELINE: Yeah. I'm sorry about your dad. But you should take a lesson from your undisciplined childhood and work with me to make this apartment pristine. Let's make your mom proud when she comes to visit, okay?

CAMERON: (Smiles) Okay. Can I still smoke pot?

MADELINE: Of course. I did it back in Hansbay on occasion. (Cameron offers her the pipe. She nods, puts her mouth on the stem as Cameron lights it and she inhales, then exhales the smoke) That's not bad. So, was this place your first choice in colleges by the way?

CAMERON: No. I wanted to go to Notre Dame.

MADELINE: Ah yes, the "Fighting Mexicans" or whatever.

CAMERON: That's not even close to being correct.

MADELINE: But it's not incorrect.

CAMERON: Yes, by definition is incorrect.

(Cut to Kirsten and Jacob sitting outside of the theatre room)

JACOB: That was really weird.

KIRSTEN: Yeah, it was.

JACOB: I can't really be mad at you, we were both making out with different people.

KIRSTEN: Right. Can we just agree on some things?

JACOB: Sure.

KIRSTEN: First of all, neither of us have feelings for either Preston or Sarah, agreed?

JACOB: Yes. Especially not Preston.

KIRSTEN: Great. Secondly, you will not encourage me to focus less on theatre and you will not be a jealous bitch when I kiss on stage, agreed?

JACOB: …Of course.

KIRSTEN: Great.

(They get up, hold hands and walk their merry way. Fade to black)

THE END





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