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The Donahues Episode 42

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Counselor Vammberg suggests drug counseling, antidepressants and group therapy for Ryan as he tries to figure out his plans for homecoming, Kimberly tries to improve her public speaking in preparation for investor’s meetings by attending toastmasters, but taking credit for Ryan’s speech lands her in trouble and Madeline comes to the aid of Britney after Adam flees back to Hansbay


Submitted:Oct 12, 2012    Reads: 16    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"AUDIENCE"

TV-MA DLV

"With a front row seat of anticipation sister moon pulls back her hair of tidal seas with silence. The coiled snake that bites her tail slithers violently around her audience. Now they are awake, bleeding eyes finally see a sonnet of days with a curse in every verse the mantle rhymes in rapid quakes of bitterness; she writes a deadly verse of liberty in new consciousness."

  • The Lilt of Orpheus

(We start with Ryan sitting in math class. An elderly, short woman is at the head of the classroom, teaching. He looks anxious)

TEACHER: Kids, today I'm going to talk to you about something very important. Recently, the bureau of labor statistics released a report alleging that unemployment had dropped in September down to 7.8%. This, of course, cannot be. Since this is math-related, I'll tell you that the Obama administration's Bureau of Labor Statistics is cooking the numbers and fudging the books.

RANDOM STUDENT: You mixed those two up, Mrs. Brady.

MRS. BRADY: They are gipping the stats! They're statting the gips! Ryan, shouldn't you have something to say by now?

RYAN: ..What?

MRS. BRADY: Usually at this point you would allege political bias on my part or correct something, but you seem kind of quiet.

RYAN: Oh yeah, you're biased and there's no evidence of that or whatever.

MRS. BRADY: What's got you troubled, Ryan?

RYAN: Nothing, it's just-

(The phone rings in her class. She answers it)

MRS. BRADY: Hello? Yes? Oh. Thank you. (She hangs up) Ryan, they want you in the office for a parental meeting with the counselor so she can suggest treatment options for your depression and drug problems.

RYAN: …Wow. Thanks for that, Mrs. Brady.

(Ryan gets up and leaves the room. Cut to Ryan walking into the front office)

RECEPTIONIST: Can I help you?

RYAN: I'm here for the parental meeting with Counselor Vammberg.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, that's in the conference room.

RYAN: Okay.

RECEPTIONIST: Remember; don't mention doves in front of her.

RYAN: Why?

RECEPTIONIST: Just don't. Trust me.

RYAN: …Okay…

(Ryan walks back into the hallway and walks into the conference room to see Ethan and Counselor Vammberg cracking up)

ETHAN: That's rich!

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Indeed it is, Mr. Donahue!

RYAN: Wow, how did this happen?

(Their laughing dies down)

ETHAN: She told a joke!

RYAN: I've never seen her laugh, much less tell a joke. Well, a joke that doesn't have to do with Nazi Germany.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Have a seat, Ryan.

(Ryan has a seat)

ETHAN: We're just waiting for your mother.

RYAN: Wow. Awkward alert!

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Why is that awkward?

ETHAN: IT'S NOT.

RYAN: Yeah, it's not awkward; it's just that they haven't seen each other in nearly three weeks.

ETHAN: Ryan, why?

RYAN: Not my fault you're separated.

ETHAN: It is your fault for mentioning it.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: If you ever need someone to talk to about anything, my number is on my card.

ETHAN: I won't. Head shrinkers are the devil's spinal fluid.

RYAN: Who are you? Brennan's maid?

(Kimberly comes in)

KIMBERLY: Oh. Hello, Ethan.

ETHAN: Hello, Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: You're looking well.

RYAN: Why do separated couples always say that when seeing each other?

(Kimberly sits down)

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Thank you for coming, Mr. Donahue and Ms. Altmire.

ETHAN: Whoa, it's still Mr. and Mrs. Donahue, bub.

RYAN: She's a woman.

ETHAN: Whatever, bub.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: My apologies, Mr. and Mrs. Ethan Donahue.

KIMBERLY: Come on.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Now, it is my suggestion that Ryan Donahue seek anti-depressants, drug counseling and group therapy. There are some terrific substance abuse and group therapy programs in Hansbay and Burlington, if you can handle driving further. Also, there are some great street anti-depressants for teens.

ETHAN: Wow, besides getting anti-depressants on the street, that's a pretty reasonable suggestion.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, I was expecting she suggest for him to be sent to a work camp or put him in a huge maze and make him fend for himself, but no, that sounds like a normal treatment suggestion.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Great! If you must get your anti-depressants from a psychiatrist, here's a good one.

(Counselor Vammberg hands Ethan a slip of paper)

ETHAN: Thank you.

RYAN: Are you sure I need all this?

ETHAN: Are you still depressed?

RYAN: Well, sometimes. Often.

KIMBERLY: Are you still doing drugs?

RYAN: I only have a tab of ecstasy at dinner.

KIMBERLY: That excuse only works with alcohol.

RYAN: Fine, I still often do X, cough syrup and marijuana.

ETHAN: NOW you're doing marijuana?!

KIMBERLY: Why are you upset with him? X is already worse than pot.

ETHAN: I know, but I thought weed was for stupid stoners, like Jacob.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Okay, I guess we'll adjourn.

RYAN: Doves.

(Counselor Vammberg becomes deathly quiet and stares into space while her eyeball twitches. Meanwhile, Ryan smiles)

ETHAN: …What is happening?

(Cut to Ryan, Ethan and Kimberly walking in the parking lot)

ETHAN: We're going to find you the drug counseling, group therapy and anti-depressants you need.

KIMBERLY: Yes, Counselor Vammberg is right; this will be good for you.

RYAN: I'm just afraid of some of the weirdos I'm going to meet in the group therapy.

ETHAN: I think you'll get along just fine.

RYAN: What is that supposed to mean?

KIMBERLY: All he's saying is that you're a weird emo kid.

RYAN: Yeah, I was able to ascertain that implication.

ETHAN: Great.

(They arrive at the car)

KIMBERLY: So, Ethan. You look well.

RYAN: Oh God.

ETHAN: You look well as well.

KIMBERLY: You look even weller.

RYAN: Not a word.

ETHAN: How are you?

KIMBERLY: I am well. I'm actually starting a business with Rob.

ETHAN: Wow. Good for you. Are you not with the HOA anymore?

KIMBERLY: No, I resigned as President and gave the power to Ellen.

ETHAN: Ah. I see. Good for you.

KIMBERLY: Good for you.

ETHAN: Good for you.

RYAN: I'm going to go to my car.

(Ryan leaves)

KIMBERLY: I'm also taking a toast master's class to prepare me for the rigors of investor's presentations.

ETHAN: That's good. It's always well to be prepared.

KIMBERLY: It's always good to be prepared.

ETHAN: Well, you look well.

KIMBERLY: I'm gonna go.

ETHAN: Okay. Bye.

(Ethan gets in his car and Kimberly gets in hers. Cut to Madeline in her interior design class at the New England institute of technology. The sleeping professor from TDEP20, Doctor Hauser, is lecturing, albeit in normal professor clothes this time)

DR. HAUSER: Interior design is a noble pursuit. A bunch of stiff roughnecks can construct a house for months on end, in between cat calls and squirrel meat sandwiches, however, once those hicks are finished, guess who comes in to make sure the inside is as beautiful as the outside? That's right, homosexuals. And women. But never homosexual women. Do you get that? Do you get it? If you're a male that has joined this class you have outed yourself. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just the facts. Now, it appears as though our time is up. See you all next time.

(Everybody gathers their stuff and start walking out the door. As Madeline is walking, she runs into Britney, who is five months pregnant. They both stop)

MADELINE: Britney?

BRITNEY: Madeline? Oh my God, what a weird coincidence.

MADELINE: Britney, Kyle did the same thing when he drove here to see me, I know we didn't run into each other by chance.

BRITNEY: Fine. Can we go to your dorm and talk?

MADELINE: Sure.

(Madeline and Britney start walking. Cut to Madeline and Britney entering the dorm to see Cameron watching television)

BRITNEY: Wow, it reeks of pot in here.

CAMERON: That's just pot scented candles.

BRITNEY: I doubt those exist.

MADELINE: Cameron, go into your room, Britney and I need to talk.

CAMERON: Will do.

(Cameron goes into his room. Madeline and Britney sit down on the couch and Britney starts crying)

MADELINE: Oh, girl, what's wrong?

BRITNEY: (In between sobs, choking up) I'm going to Salve Regina University in Newport, and Adam and I are living together in an apartment using money we're getting from both our respective parents, right?

MADELINE: Uh-huh.

BRITNEY: And I've had to deal with the embarrassment of going to school and being five months pregnant, and it's killing me. I have no friends besides Adam and speaking of Adam, he's not a very good friend or potential father because he ran away this morning!

MADELINE: Oh my God, Britney, where did he go?

BRITNEY: I have no idea!

(Cut to Scott, Beckett and Peter outside the school, smoking)

PETER: You know, I'm thinking about joining the army when I get out of high school.

BECKETT: Well, I'm going to become an Eagle Scout soon, so suck it.

PETER: How is that braver?

BECKETT: It's not, but gays aren't allowed in the Boy Scouts, unlike your precious military, so have fun shooting guns with faggots, because I'll be spending days in the forest alone with men in shorts.

(Adam walks over to the two. He now has a beard)

ADAM: Hey!

SCOTT: ..Hey.

ADAM: What's going on?

BECKETT: Nothing, man. Who even are you?

ADAM: What are you talking about? I'm Adam Horn! I'm just checking out my old stompin' grounds.

PETER: Oh yeah, I remember you from last year, you were a senior. Um, don't you go to college now?

ADAM: (Laughs) No, my girlfriend does. I just live with her. We have an apartment; it's paid for by both of our parents.

SCOTT: Right. Didn't you knock her up?

ADAM: (Laughs) Who's to say she didn't put a watermelon under her shirt for five months?

BECKETT: I guess, logic?

ADAM: Well yeah, I did knock her up. Are there any fun parties tomorrow night?

SCOTT: There's a party at my house after the homecoming game.

ADAM: Awesome!

BECKETT: Adam, why are you even here? What are you doing here?

ADAM: I was the king of High School last year, bro.

BECKETT: Yeah, and now you're a future father.

ADAM: Right.

PETER: Adam, you're not in high school anymore.

ADAM: I ain't in college either! I just sit at home in Newport waiting for Britney to get home from school, day in and day out, driving myself crazy! (Hysterical laughter) IT'S GREAT!

SCOTT: Why don't you have a job?

ADAM: I'm a bad interviewee. One time I called my interviewer a yeasty cunt.

SCOTT: Why?

ADAM: He told me my resume was full of fabrications! So I told him to suck my dick!

SCOTT: I thought you called him a yeasty cunt.

ADAM: I did both!

SCOTT: Bad idea.

ADAM: Yeah. But anyway, I just want to come to that party.

SCOTT: No!

ADAM: C'mon, I was so popular in high school last year, everybody wanted to be my friend, and I fucked all the hot girls, and I knocked up one of them.

BECKETT: We're familiar with that story; we were just talking about it!

ADAM: Why can't I come to this party?

SCOTT: Because you're trying to relive high school because you're not successful in the real world, it's pathetic!

ADAM: Can I at least hang out with you guys right now? What are you guys doing?

BECKETT: We're…going to play hoop and stick.

ADAM: Is that like a euphemism for drinking Bacardi or something?

PETER: No, it's (He takes out a hoop and stick) where you try to keep the hoop going as long as possible using the stick. Whoever's hoop falls down first has to jump rope twenty times.

ADAM: Wow. I at least thought the loser would have to take a shot. This is lame, I'm out of here.

(Adam leaves)

PETER: ARE YOU GOING BACK TO NEWPORT?

ADAM: NO!

(Cut to Ryan in group therapy. He is in a circle of teenagers and the one right next to him is finishing up)

TEEN: I knew I had a problem once I accidentally broke a kid's arm while high on coke in a bounce house.

THERAPIST: Well, it's hard to bounce back from that. Pun intended.

TEEN: Um, Mr. Proskovec, I suffer from constant guilt due to that, so maybe you shouldn't-

MR. PROSKOVEC Ryan, why don't you go?

RYAN: I'd rather not.

MR. PROSKOVEC Okay, Steven, you go-

RYAN: Fine, I'll go, if you insist. My name is Ryan Donahue, I am seventeen years old and I live in Hansbay. I first tried ecstasy in June 2011 with my friend Eric. He had gotten some X from his older brother Trevor after he returned from Club Escape to Essex. He had a lot left over, because it was actually a country club. Anyway, we took the X in his room, we made out, we rubbed our backs against his carpet, we got four glow sticks and taped them to a ceiling fan and enjoyed the show, we played on swings on a deserted playground at 2am. Once we were coming down, we decided to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force for the first time, and it was weird, but I watched it again while sober and it's apparently just always like that. But then I didn't do E for half a year, but I picked up the habit again this most recent January. I also started drinking cough syrup that month, but I didn't smoke weed habitually until late September of this year.

MR. PROSKOVEC Wow. Thank you Ryan, for the very detailed account of your troubles. Why do you think you do ecstasy?

RYAN: Well…for me, it takes me away from the monotony of everyday life and makes things beautiful and interesting. It fills me with love. While I'm on it I feel like anything is possible and I'm full of energy. I feel like a child again. Playing with toys seems fun again. Although when I was a kid I rarely danced for half an hour and drank a gallon of water. When I'm not on it, I second-guess everything. I feel stressed and unhappy. I mean, I'm not always unhappy when I'm sober, I get pleasure from my friends and stuff, but I feel like I'm unhappy far too often. I started taking ecstasy more when my girlfriend broke up with me. She was the one who was trying to get me to quit. But her leaving made me do it more often. But then Jacob tried to get me to quit, and I always say I will, but I don't. About four and a half months ago, Michael and I ruined everybody's weekend because we were on ecstasy. One time back in May, Michael and I went to school on ecstasy, which was a bad idea, because in the locker room during gym class I straightened Michael's hair and we got way too into playing dodge ball.

MR. PROSKOVEC How so?

RYAN: We groped the male members of the opposing team.

MR. PROSKOVEC It sounds like you just got too carried away in general.

RYAN: Yes.

MR. PROSKOVEC Did you get in trouble?

RYAN: We settled out of court.

MR. PROSKOVEC Well…Jesus. You're quite a case, Ryan.

RYAN: Not to mention the time I came to my friend's house, took ecstasy, ran into the forest, came back with wolf attack scars and passed out on a float in my friend's pool with my dick in my hand.

MR. PROSKOVEC Okay, here at Hansbay drug therapy we encourage open dialogue and everything, but shut the fuck up.

RYAN: But this is great, this is completely anonymous and confidential, I can get all this off my chest! Once on Ecstasy, my friend Michael and I broke into a 24 hour fitness and sprayed hand sanitizer all over ourselves and slid across the floor. We then used the hand sanitizer as lube so we could bowl using their computers.

MR. PROSKOVEC Not that any of this is right, but why didn't you just use medicine balls as bowling balls?

RYAN: Because we were using those as the pins. Anyway once the cops came, we escaped through the backdoor and jumped over a fence, once we were on the other side we had a snowball fight, which is especially impressive because it was the middle of the summer.

MR. PROSKOVEC Then how was there snow?

RYAN: Now that I think about it, I think it was dirt.

MR. PROSKOVEC Okay, that's enough, thank you Ryan. By the way, you told us your full name before, so this isn't anonymous.

RYAN: Honestly, it wouldn't do anything to my reputation that the other shit I've done hasn't already done.

MR. PROSKOVEC That's probably true. Anyway, Tracy, you're next.

(Cut to Kimberly in her hotel room at her desk and Rob on her bed. They are both on laptops)

KIMBERLY: Oh my God, I'm supposed to give my toast master's speech tomorrow and I have no topic.

ROB: Why don't you just talk about your business?

KIMBERLY: No, it's not supposed to be about the reason you're taking the class. I have to practice speaking, not practice investor's presentations.

ROB: Well, I'm out of ideas.

KIMBERLY: You only gave me one idea! (Someone knocks on the door) Who is it?

RYAN: (Through the door) It's Ryan!

KIMBERLY: Oh, come in!

(Ryan comes in with two smoothies)

RYAN: Hey, I got smoothies for us.

KIMBERLY: Oh, thank you, Ryan. I appreciate you visiting.

RYAN: Yeah, we should talk more.

(Ryan gives Kimberly her drink and Ryan shuts the door and sits down)

ROB: You didn't get one for me?

RYAN: No.

KIMBERLY: How was group therapy?

RYAN: It was great; I got so many things off my chest.

KIMBERLY: I'm glad. You're lucky we got you in so quickly.

RYAN: Yeah.

KIMBERLY: Anyway, I need to come up with a speech for toast masters for tomorrow morning, and I have nothing.

RYAN: Well, why don't I just write it?

KIMBERLY: Wait, really? You'd do that?

RYAN: Totally. I'm on a high from getting stuff off my chest. The topic could be something I'm familiar with.

KIMBERLY: Do you think my audience of middle aged people is going to understand what you're familiar with?

RYAN: They'll understand that teenagers do crazy things.

KIMBERLY: That's true. Well, make it funny but serious.

RYAN: Got it. I'll e-mail it to you in the morning.

KIMBERLY: Cool.

ROB: I really want a smoothie now.

(Cut to Kimberly sitting in the audience at her toast masters meeting, which is in an air-conditioned room in an office building with other middle-aged adults. Some timid woman is making a speech while Kimberly nervously looks over her speech)

TIMID WOMAN: Bananas have never appealed to me. Is that interesting? (The audience mumbles "no" a couple times) Great!

(She walks off stage in anger. The Toast Masters leader goes up to the helm)

TOAST MASTERS LEADER: Confidence, Emma! Although you should've picked a way more interesting topic. Kimberly, you're up next.

(Kimberly goes up to podium as the leader walks away)

KIMBERLY: (Clears throat) My fellow toast masters, a lot of us have musical taste in a litany of different genres. Some of you may like rock, country, rap, scat, whatever the hell that is, (mild laughter) or even classical music, or as it was once called 150 years ago, music. (Laughter) However, I love emo music. You might be familiar with emo. The kids who wear skinny jeans, band t-shirts, straightened hair and hate conformity, unless of course they want you to conform to their skinny jeans, band t-shirts and straightened hair. (Laughter) There are many different types of emo music. Emo rock, screamo, emo acoustic, punk, alternative metal, garage punk, post-hardcore, pop punk, metalcore, grindcore, street punk, thrashcore, emo pop, the list goes on forever. By the way, emo pop should not be confused with the breakfast cereal Emo Pops. (Laughter) Get to the bottom of the box and you can get two free razor blades! (Big laughter) But I digress, I do not like all forms of emo music, but there are a select few I do like. More specifically, there are specific bands I like. Bands like Devil's Niece, Shadow Senator, Harpoon from my Dearest, All Time Low, Enter Shikari, I Set the Nuns on fire, The Demon wears Silk, A Night to Recollect, I wrestled a wolf once and Revenged Elevenfold, just to name way too many. (Mild laughter) Emo originated with the punk movement of Washington D.C. in the 1980s. Remember the 80s? When you could snort coke off of a Rubix cube and get away with wearing a ripped sweater and not look like a homeless person? (People laugh. Cut to Madeline driving Britney in her car)

MADELINE: Are you sure he's in Hansbay?

BRITNEY: He's been talking about how much he misses Hansbay for months. He was popular there, so he's escaping his responsibility to me to go and be that loser who still hangs out with high school kids.

MADELINE: That's so sad.

BRITNEY: I know, I mean he left me while I'm pregnant!

MADLEINE: Yeah, that's sad too.

(Cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Ross and Lilly sitting at a lunch table)

JACOB: I am in the process of making the biggest mum the world has ever seen for homecoming. The Statue of Liberty could wear this mum.

LILLY: What about the statue of Susan B. Anthony?

JACOB: Yeah, like that dyke could ever get asked to homecoming.

(Adam walks over and sits down)

ADAM: Hey guys.

JACOB: Adam? What are you doing here?

KIRSTEN: Why do you have a beard?

ADAM: I'm just seeing if any of you guys wanted to hang out after school.

JACOB: Um, no thanks. Why aren't you in Rhode Island with Britney?

ADAM: She's fine.

ROSS: She's pregnant.

ADAM: I know, Ross, but she's a grown woman and only five months pregnant. If she has to give birth prematurely, she can drive herself to the hospital.

KIRSTEN: That's, horrible.

ADAM: Oh, you think pregnant women can't do things on their own? That ma'am, is prejudice.

(Britney and Madeline come up from behind Adam and Britney punches him in the back of the head, knocking him out on to the table. Everybody at the table gasps and the rest of the cafeteria turns around)

BRITNEY: TAKE THAT, ASSHOLE! You may be Adam, but I'm certainly not your EVE.

JACOB: I don't think he can hear you.

(Principal Maxell rushes over)

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: What the hell happened here?

MADELINE: Principal Maxell, we can explain.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You better! I mean, you three don't even go here anymore!

BRITNEY: Adam ran away from our home in Newport to reconnect with his high school friends, and so we made the five hour drive here to make sure he knew that he can't just run away from his responsibilities.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You just assaulted him on school property!

BRITNEY: Um…self defense?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: He was just leaning over a table!

BRITNEY: Stand your ground law!

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Not in Vermont, that's only for the murder-hungry hicks down South.

BRITNEY: So what are you gonna do? Have me arrested? You think you scare me? I go day in and day out dealing with people like you. It gets easier each time.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Where are you going with this?

BRITNEY: I honestly don't know. Fine, just have me arrested.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Officer Peterson!

(Officer Peterson comes over)

OFFICER PETERSON: Yes sir?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Arrest and remove her.

OFFICER PETERSON: Who, sir?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Who do you think?

(Officer Peterson puts Britney and handcuffs and takes her away. Suddenly, Adam wakes up)

ADAM: Hm, did a volcano?

JACOB: …Was that a sentence?

(Cut to Ryan siting in Mrs. Pannell's English class. He happens to veer his head slightly to the left and catches a glance with Michelle as she walks down the hallway. Cut to Michelle at her locker, getting stuff out of it. She closes it, turns around and sees Ryan)

MICHELLE: AH! God! Hi, Ryan.

RYAN: Hey. Why are you using your locker?

MICHELLE: Because it's there, I might as well use it.

RYAN: Everybody else just carries stuff in their backpack, you know that right?

MICHELLE: Yes, I know. I don't know, it's kind of like my resistance to getting an iPhone-I mean, why do you care?

RYAN: I'm just making conversation, Michelle. Just because we're not dating doesn't mean we can't talk.

MICHELLE: Well, we haven't talked in like, a month.

RYAN: We've talked at work! We've talked at work.

MICHELLE: We actually haven't talked at work in like a week because you haven't showed up since last Thursday.

RYAN: I've been busy.

MICHELLE: With what?

RYAN: …Work.

MICHELLE; Obviously not since you haven't shown up! Okay? It's a miracle I haven't fired you.

RYAN: But there's a reason you haven't fired me, isn't there?

MICHELLE: I guess because I feel bad for you.

RYAN: No way, you still have feelings for me.

MICHELLE: No, it's that I feel bad for you. You're so utterly irresponsible you can't even show up for work consistently and even when you do you don't work very hard, plus you have drug problems and you have terrible grades.

RYAN: Yeah, but I'm trying to improve myself!

MICHELLE: You say that every week! But remember how many times I've had to pick you up from someone's house because you were too much of an E-tard to drive?

RYAN: Yes I do. But then when we got home you sat with me in my bedroom while I was coming down from it and you comforted me. You melted away my fears and gave me hope.(Ryan moves closer to Michelle and puts his arms on her waist) Don't pretend like you didn't enjoy me being your mission. You loved it. You loved me. In spite of all my flaws. And I loved you. I still do.

MICHELLE: …I guess I did enjoy comforting my petulant little Ryan.

(They both smirk and begin making out. Mr. Pannell leans out of his classroom to see them)

MR. PANNELL: HEY! (They both stop and look over there) Save it for the pride parade.

RYAN: I'm making out with a woman!

MR. PANNELL: But you're still a bi, so it works.

(Mr. Pannell goes back in class and Ryan and Michelle look back at each other and smile)

RYAN: So. Do you want to go to homecoming with me? Just as friends?

MICHELLE: …I'll have to think about it. Because we both know people of the opposite sex don't go to homecoming just as friends.

RYAN: Oh. That is not the answer I expected.

MICHELLE: Alright then.

(Michelle half-hugs Ryan and walks away. Cut to Kimberly speaking with her toast masters friends after the meeting)

FRIEND: Kimberly, that speech about emo music was really funny.

KIMBERLY: Thank you, Delila.

DELILAH: It was great. Did you write that?

KIMBERLY: Uh…yes. Yes I did.

OTHER FRIEND: So you really do like that kind of music?

KIMBERLY: Yes, I like it. Very much.

DELILAH: You're 46 right?

KIMBERLY: 45 since July 6.

OTHER FRIEND: Well listen, this emo music interests me, and I'm not a closed-minded person, so why don't you take us to an emo concert one night?

KIMBERLY: …Well, you don't have to do that, Erin.

DELILAH: No, I think I'd like that. For goodness' sakes, I'm 33 and a 46 year old is more youth-wary than I am!

(They all laugh)

KIMBERLY: I'm 45, but that was good.

DELILLA: C'mon, it'll be fun. We'll pay our way!

KIMBERLY: …Sure. Why not?

ERIN: Great. Just tell us where and when.

KIMBERLY: Okay. I'll text you guys.

DELILAH: I can't wait to, rock out with my cock out! (Kimberly and Erin look at Delilah strangely) I'm, sorry about that.

(Delilah walks away. Cut to Britney in a jail cell with some black girl)

BRITNEY: So…I guess I'm in prison for two!

BLACK GIRL: That only works when you're eating.

BRITNEY: Yeah I guess. I'm eating prison food for two now!

BLACK GIRL: Please stop.

BRITNEY: What are you in for?

BLACK GIRL: Because I'm black.

BRITNEY: That's awful, they just arrested your for being black?

BLACK GIRL: Well, I was robbing a liquor store, but so was my white accomplice and they didn't arrest him!

BRITNEY: Well, to be clear, you still deserved to be arrested, but it is pretty racist that they let the white guy go free.

BLACK GIRL: Well, they shot and killed him because he went for his gun.

BRITNEY: Okay, I'm done giving you chances.

(A police officer walks over to the cell)

POLICE OFFICER: Alright, Mrs. Roberts, your bail has been posted.

BRITNEY: Yes!

(The police officer opens the cell and Britney walks down the hall and sees Adam waiting for her. She walks over to him)

ADAM: Hey.

BRITNEY: Hey.

ADAM: Listen…I'm really sorry about what happened. I became so desperate to be popular again that I abandoned the one obligation that God has given me.

BRITNEY: I thought you didn't believe in God.

ADAM: Oh, no.

(Trey and Darcy walk over)

TREY: HE told you that?

DARCY: Adam, you don't believe in God?

BRITNEY: Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Horn, I was just joking.

TREY: You think it's a joke to imply my son does not have faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the creator of the world, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the cops and the robbers, the Abbot and Costello, the-

ADAM: Oh my God, stop.

BRITNEY: Mr and Mrs. Horn, I didn't mean to offend you-

DARCY: You're still a whore, you know that?

ADAM: Mom!

(Trey and Darcy leave)

BRITNEY: What the fuck where they doing here?

ADAM: I thought you guys had gotten off on the wrong foot the last time you spoke, which was five months ago, so I decided you should make a second first impression.

BRITNEY: And you thought it was a good idea to schedule the second impression for immediately after I got out of jail for assaulting you?

ADAM: I told them you were arrested for violating ObamaCare, and they just kind of took that at face value as an injustice.

BRITNEY: How'd you explain the bump on the back of your head?

ADAM: I said a pregnant woman punched me in the back of the head while I was in the lunch room.

BRITNEY: But that's what happened!

ADAM: I didn't say it was you!

BRITNEY: Well…I guess I'll need a third first impression at some point.

ADAM: Some point. But not now. For now, I have to be the father to our baby. And I can't selfishly run away like I did.

BRITNEY: Okay. I'm glad you realize that. But you're sleeping on the couch for a month.

ADAM: I usually do that anyway, I love falling asleep watching shows about black holes.

BRITNEY: I know you do. Fine, you have to sleep on the porch.

ADAM: …Deal. Now let's go get drunk.

BRITNEY: Well, I am drinking for two now!

(Adam smiles and the two walk out of the police station. Cut to Kimberly leading Erin and Delilah into Seani's, which has become an emo hotspot. Claire, the waitress from TDEP12, walks over to them wearing emo clothes)

CLAIRE: Um…do you need directions to an AARP meeting?

DELILAH: No, she's only 46.

KIMBERLY: I'M 45!

CLAIRE: What are you people doing here?

KIMBERLY: Uh, we're here to see Devon's Noise.

CLAIRE: You mean Devil's Niece?

KIMBERLY: That's what I said.

CLAIRE No, it wasn't, listen, you guys have to come back more appropriately dressed to get in.

KIMBERLY: Oh, god damnit.

(Cut to Kimberly, Erin and Delilah coming back, but this time dressed in skinny jeans, Devil's Niece shirts and bows. Claire comes up to them)

CLAIRE: Kind of weird-looking on a bunch of 46- year olds, but fine, you can come in.

DELILAH: I'm 33, what is wrong with her?

KIMBERLY: Oh my God.

(They all sit down)

ERIN: So, you said this was something you do all the time.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, definitely. I know this place like the back of my hand.

DELILAH: Or the back of your wrist.

(Erin and Delilah laugh)

KIMBERLY: What do you mean?

DELILAH: Don't you cut?

KIMBERLY: What? No. No, not at all. I just like the music, it's…(sighs) great.

(Isaac, Ryan's drug dealer, comes over)

ISAAC: Hey there ladies. I was wondering if you guys wanted to enjoy this night substantially more.

DELILAH: Uh, sure. Three mojitos, please.

ISAAC: No, I mean like, REALLY enjoy it.

DELILAH: Um, so like, a round of cider?

KIMBERLY: That's LESS alcoholic.

ISAAC: I'm talking about that little white pill that security guards at clubs pretend to ignore.

(Pan over to a security guard looking at his phone)

SECURITY GUARD: Man, I am so distracted right now. Did you know Woody Allen was born Allan Stewart Conningsburg?

(Pan back)

KIMBERLY: You're asking us if we want ecstasy?

ISAAC: That's correct.

DELILAH: Well, if it's a part of the emo experience.

KIMBERLY: Are you serious?

ERIN: I'm an open minded person.

KIMBERLY: Please stop saying that.

ISAAC: Great.

(Isaac puts three tablets on the table)

ISAAC: That'd be 124 dollars.

KIMBERLY: That sounds too expensive.

DELILAH: We can pool the money.

ERIN: Yeah, I'm an open-minded person.

KIMBERLY: I swear to God.

(They all pitch in money and give it to Isaac, who then gives them the tablets of E)

ISAAC: Well-

KIMBERLY: Wait, why do you look familiar?

ISAAC: I don't know your son Ryan, okay?

(Isaac leaves)

KIMBERLY: Wow. Okay, let's do this, I guess.

DELILAH: Bottoms up.

(They all three take E and then drink some water. Then, Mallart Bond and his band go on stage, and everyone cheers, as well as Kimberly, Delilah and Erin)

MALLART BOND; Thank you! This song is brand new for 2012 and it's called "Born as a Fetus". (The guitarist and drummers start playing) I KNOW THAT PEOPLE ARE BORN, LIVE AWHILE AND DIEEEE! BUT NOBODY TOLD ME THAT OUR EXISTENCE WOULD BE MULTIPLIED!! OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS MARRY OTHERS AND MISTERS TO PLEASE THE MINISTERS WHICH PLEASES THE MOLESTERS, THE POPE GETS A NEW HAT EVERYTIME THEY TAP THAT-

ERIN: (Speaking over music) IS THIS SONG PROTESTING THE PROCREATION OF THE HUMAN RACE?

KIMBERLY: NO, IT'S PROTESTING CHILD MOLESTATION!

DELILAH: KIND OF HARD TO TAP YOUR FEET TO THAT!

KIMBERLY: IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT CHILD MOLESTATION!

MALLART BOND: THE POPE COULD SUCK MY BALLS IF HE WASN'T SUCKING LITTLE BOYS, I WOULD THROW HIM IN A POIND, HAVE HIM EATEN BY KOIS!

ERIN: WOW. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR THIS ECSTASY TO KICK IN?

KIMBERLY: DON'T SAY THAT SO LOUDLY, AND I DON'T KNOW! (Ryan and Brennan come in) SHIT!

(Kimberly puts a menu in front of her face)

DELILAH: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, KIMBERLY?

KIMBERLY: SHUT UP!

RYAN: THIS PLACE IS SO AWESOME NOW! (Turns around) HOLY SHIT, THERE'S MALLART BOND!

MALLART BOND: (Higher voice) I can take you up to outer space and we can make ourselves a part of, a new race and we can colonize and we can build the skies, as long as, I'm with you, we can, be alriiiight!

BRENNAN: WHAT'S WEIRD IS THAT THE REST OF THIS SONG IS ABOUT CHILD MOLESTATION!

ERIN: KIMBERLY DONAHUE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

KIMBERLY: SHUT UP, ERIN!

(Ryan and Brennan sit at a table near Kimberly's table)

DELILAH: WHAT IS KIMBERLY JORDAN DONAHUE DOING?!

KIMBERLY: WHY WOULD YOU SAY MY WHOLE NAME?!

RYAN: DID I JUST HEAR MY MOM'S NAME? (Ryan turns around to see Kimberly behind a menu. Ryan gets up and pulls the menu from her hands) MOM!?

KIMBERLY: HI HONEY! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A JAZZ CLUB!

RYAN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

KIMBERLY: I THOUGHT IT WAS A-

RYAN: JAZZ CLUB, GOT IT. THERE'S NO WAY YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A JAZ CLUB!

MALLART BOND: THE POPE CAN CHOKE ON KID DICK AND DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Mallart Bond puts his microphone down as a bunch of people applaud. Clark goes up on stage)

CLARK: That was Evan's Nut.

MALLART: Come on.

CLARK: Next up is…also Evan's Nut. Enjoy.

(Clark leaves the stage)

MALLART: Was that really necessary?

RYAN: Kimberly, what are you really doing here?

KIMBERLY: (Sighs) Fine, I'll admit it. I took credit for your speech and they goaded me into taking them here because they thought I liked emo music.

DELILAH: You took credit for your son's speech?!

KIMBERLY: Yes, and I'm sorry, but they liked it so much, I wanted them to think I wrote it.

RYAN: Well, I'm just flattered you liked the speech enough to lie about who wrote it. Plus, I'm flattered you're taking an interest in my culture.

(Isaac comes over)

ISAAC: Hey Ryan, want some E?

RYAN: Not really a good time, man. I'm talking with my mom. Not that there's ever a good time. For that.

ISAAC: It's okay, I sold three tablets to these broads just a few minutes ago.

RYAN: Wait, what?

KIMBERLY: Yeah, we took some E.

BRENNAN: Oh my God. Ryan, you're mom's rolling!

RYAN: Jesus. Well it obviously hasn't kicked in yet, so we can either induce vomiting or leave.

KIMBERLY: I might need a ride home due to the X situation.

RYAN: Isaac can give you a ride home, you can pick your car up in the morning.

KIMBERLY: I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE, RYAN! NOT WITH THESE FUCKING CRAZY PEOPLE WHO ARE ALWAYS SAYING I'M 46!

RYAN: Okay, okay! Calm down! I'll stay here!

KIMBERLY: Great, so you'll do it with me?

RYAN: I have drug therapy after this!

(Kimberly grabs him by the collar)

KIMBERLY: I CAN'T DO IT ALONE DAMN YOU!

RYAN: OKAY! JESUS! (Kimberly lets go) You are a mean roller. Isaac, can you drive me to drug therapy after this?

ISAAC: Fine, but don't smudge my windows!

RYAN: O-kay. E, please?

(Ryan gives him money and Isaac gives him an E tablet, which Ryan then takes)

RYAN: See, this'll be fine, it'll be worn off by the time my therapy starts.

(Cut to Ryan sitting in group therapy with his shirt off while playing with his hair and laughing)

MR. PROSKOVEC: Jesus…

(Cut to black)

END





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