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The Donahues Episode 54

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Ryan and Jacob hold two different sleepovers, Logan causes problems at Jacob’s sleepover and dealers disturb Ryan’s sleepover


Submitted:Dec 2, 2012    Reads: 5    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"SLEEPOVER"

TV-MA DL

"Adrenaline rises as this comes around that corner, feet prancing lightly across to friends, laughter rings upon the trio's ears as we three walk down this open lane"

  • Kevin Wang

(We start with Jacob and Ross walking through a pharmacy)

ROSS: We have to get a lot of soda, like an unhealthy amount of soda, something that would be illegal in New York City. Like something they would put you to death for there.

JACOB: Totally. This sleepover is going to be awesome!

ROSS: Way better than Ryan's sleepover.

JACOB: Definitely.

(Ross and Jacob stop walking when they see Ryan and Brennan)

RYAN: Well, hello there, Jacob, Rod.

ROSS: Did you just call me Rod?

JACOB: What are you doing here?

BRENNAN: We're preparing for the best sleepover ever is what we're doing.

JACOB: Well, so are WE.

RYAN: Wait, you guys are having a sleepover?

JACOB: Yes.

RYAN: Where?

JACOB: Where do you think? Our house.

RYAN: But we had our house booked!

JACOB: (Singing) Our house, in the middle of our street, our house, in the middle of our BEAT! As in we beat you to it.

ROSS: Nice.

RYAN: No, not nice, that was really stupid.

ROSS: Yeah, kind of.

JACOB: Regardless, we've had this sleepover booked since before you developed object permanence.

RYAN: So you've had it booked for twelve years?

JACOB: You didn't develop object permanence until you were five?

RYAN: How do keys still exist when they're obscured by a couch and I can't hear them jiggle?

JACOB: So you still don't have object permanence.

RYAN: Well, E kind of ripped out that part of my brain.

ROSS: The point is, the Donahue household is our territory for the night.

BRENNAN: Says who?

ROSS: Says Jacob's parents.

JACOB: That's right. While they're in New York City consulting with lawyers, three-hundred miles away, they said I could have a sleepover provided there's no drinking, smoking, sexing, sexting or Mexting.

BRENNAN: What is Mexting?

JACOB: It's like sexting for Mexicans.

ROSS: So it's usually on one of those disposable burner phones.

BRENNAN: I see.

RYAN: Damnit, they actually got mom and dad's permission! We were just going to do it and not tell them.

BRENNAN: But their genius has foiled our plans.

RYAN: Yeah, we should've gotten their permission!

JACOB: Well it's too late. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to purchase some carbonated beverages and depart.

ROSS: Say levy!

RYAN: Are you trying to say "C'est le vie"?

ROSS: Percy.

RYAN: Per se?

JACOB: Let's go, Ross.

(Jacob and Ross walk away)

RYAN: Now what are we going to do?

BRENNAN: I don't know, my house is out of the question because my dad and little brother are there.

RYAN: And Michael's house is a place I've never dared ventured.

BRENNAN: What about Sarah's house?

RYAN: Hmm…

(Cut to Brennan and Ryan pulling up to Sarah's house in their car. Sarah comes out of the house and you can see her mother Amy behind her holding a tray of freshly baked cookies)

AMY: Have fun with your friends, my little angel! Don't get into too many troubles!

(Sarah gets in the car)

SARAH: Hey Ryan, Brennan.

RYAN: Hey. Does your mom have cookies?

SARAH: Yeah, why?

BRENNAN: Those look really good. She's still standing there with them.

SARAH: Yeah, well we're going to Ryan's house, so let's go!

RYAN: About that, we've kind of concluded arrangements that will not allow us to sleep over at my house.

SARAH: What do you mean?

BRENNAN: "We were wonderin' if you were cool with us crashing on your couch for the night er whatever."

RYAN: We want to have the sleepover at your house.

SARAH: My house?

BRENNAN: Yes.

SARAH: Well…I could force my mom to go out tonight like I did on Halloween.

RYAN: Yeah, how do you do that?

SARAH: It takes a certain brat-worst expertise.

(Pan to Sarah's door stoop, there is no one there but the plate of cookies)

BRENNAN: Did she leave the cookies on your front porch?

(Cut to Ryan, Sarah and Brennan walking into Sarah's house to see Amy dressed in men's jeans, a man's t-shirt and a baseball cap)

AMY: Hi honey!

SARAH: Umm…hi.

AMY: How was your sleepover?

SARAH: We didn't-we haven't left!

AMY: Oh yeah! Forgetful me!

SARAH: Right. Anyway, I was wondering if we could have the sleepover here.

AMY: Well that's perfect, honey, because I'm going out tonight!

SARAH: Oh. Okay, good.

AMY: Great! I'll see you honey cakes!

(Amy kisses Sarah on the cheek and leaves)

RYAN: …Um…is your mom a cross dresser?

SARAH: I don't want to talk about it.

RYAN: Okay.

BRENNAN: We should go get Michael.

SARAH: Let's.

(Ryan, Brennan and Sarah walk out the door. Cut to Jacob, Ross and Roger walking into the Donahue household)

JACOB: Alright, now remember, my dad is housing a mental health facility fugitive here, so, honor system!

ROSS: You're talking about Ryan?

JACOB: No, Logan.

ROGER: Nigga, you know I would never snitch! I mean, you smoke me out, don't ya?

JACOB: I do. Speaking of which, there's a vaporizer upstairs, let's break that shit out.

ROSS: Hell yes.

(They run upstairs and go into a hallway to see Logan)

LOGAN: HI!

JACOB, ROGER AND ROSS: AHH!

LOGAN: Gee, am I a golly excited to participate in this sleepover tonight. Golly!

JACOB: Why are you talking like that? Also, no, you're not going to participate in our sleepover. This is strictly for us, ourselves and I's. Singular, bitch!

ROSS: That was plural.

LOGAN: Don't worry, I won't be crazy! My bipolar schizophrenic manic depressive dissociative psychotic sociopathic Tourette's is under control as of now.

JACOB: How many mental illnesses do you have?

LOGAN: At least a Baker's Dozen.

JACOB: Yeah, if the baker's insane. Listen, don't just get in our way too much.

LOGAN: Oh okay. Where's your girlfriend for this shinding anyway? Oh yeah, she's bangin' someone else! OH!

ROGER: Ouch, he got you!

(Roger and Logan high-five)

JACOB: First off, I think you meant shindig, secondly, I don't know if she's banging someone else, but let's just be clear that the breakup was mutual.

LOGAN: Mutually exclusive! OH!

ROGER: I don't know what that means, but nishe!

(Roger high-fives Logan)

JACOB: Why are you on his side?

ROGER: He doesn't seem like a bad dude.

JACOB: He knocked out our principal seven months ago, remember?

ROGER: That's badass!

JACOB: He was in a mental hospital not two months ago!

ROGER: (Accent) He's a wild and crazy guy! (Regular voice) Borat.

JACOB: No, that wasn't Borat.

ROGER: Just lay off and we'll get along good.

JACOB: Fine.

ROSS: Let's get high!

JACOB: Since when do you get high?

ROSS: The Halloween party, remember?

JACOB: Oh yeah…well, should I get you some purple drank and watermelon as well, homeboy?

ROSS: Oh, so when I get stoned it makes me seem stereotypical, but white people get stoned, it's all fun and games.

JACOB: …Fine, you're right.

ROSS: I am right. Now get me some gin and juice!

(Cut to Michael getting in the car. He closes the door while carrying a large duffel bag)

MICHAEL: GO GO GO!

RYAN: Why the rush?

MICHAEL: GO!

RYAN: Okay!

(Ryan speeds away)

MICHAEL: Thank God we got away, what the fuck, Ryan?

RYAN: What? We got away! Why did we need to leave so quickly?

MICHAEL: Because I'm technically "grounded" for "dismal grades".

SARAH: What kind of grades do you get?

MICHAEL: Let's just say if you multiplied my English and History grades together, they'd still be less than a seventy.

BRENNAN: Wha-are you fucking kidding me?

MICHAEL: Not a chance.

RYAN: Not a chance you're graduating.

MICHAEL: Einstein had bad grades too, Einstein.

RYAN: Yeah, but Einstein probably didn't drink ABSOLUT.

MICHAEL: What if I become a millionaire at a young age, like Angus Jones from Two and a Half Men?

RYAN: Because that little shit bit the hand that fed him millions of dollars! I mean, if I was on a show full of recreational drug use, torrid gay and straight sex between teenagers and students engaging in revenge-based acts of violence, I would take the money without questioning the ethical value that the show I star in has on society.

SARAH: …Let's turn on the radio.

BRENNAN: Yeah.

(Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Brennan and Michael walking into Sarah's house. They all go in, Brennan, Michael and Ryan bringing in duffel bags with their stuff. They all sit down on couches in the living room while Sarah goes to the fridge and opens it. She takes out a Mountain Dew, closes the fridge and turns around. She takes a sip of the Mountain Dew and burps)

SARAH: Who wants to play Call of Duty?

(Ryan, Brennan and Michael simultaneously take hair straightener out of their duffel bags)

RYAN, BRENNAN AND MICHAEL: Can I use this upstairs?

RYAN: Wow, that was weird.

MICHAEL: But seriously.

SARAH: Wow, you guys are pussies.

RYAN: Oh really now?

SARAH: Yeah, I'm manlier than you guys are, which is saying a lot, because I'm not that manly. (Sarah walks into the living room) I mean, I wear bows in my hair and I swoon over fictional Japanese characters who always look like they're having seizures. Yet, I'm still manlier than all of you.

MICHAEL: Hey, I'm the only one here who doesn't wear tight-ass jeans, so I think I'm manlier than not only you, but these faggots behind me.

SARAH: But remember gym class freshman year? You basically turned that locker room into a weird emo kid salon.

(Cut to the gym locker room on November 30, 2010. 15-year old Brennan is straightening 15-year old Ryan's hair for him while Ryan sits on one of the benches while reading an anime. Next to Ryan is a 16-year old Delaware having his hair straightened by some other emo kid and across from them is another emo kid straightening another emo kid's hair)

BRENNAN: Baby, you just kick him to the curb, he ain't worth your time if he don't like yo' new belt.

RYAN: Hmm. Amen to that.

DELAWARE: I swear I done seen a whole lotta pretend cutters creepin' 'round, they ain't go no respect for they culture, no sir!

RYAN: Nuh-uh!

MICHAEL: None!

(Pan to a 15-year old Sarah, looking on in confusion. She walks away. Cut back)

RYAN: You want me to prove I'm a man?

SARAH: Yes I do. Let's have a manliness contest between all of us.

BRENNAN: So what are things men do?

MICHAEL: Have dicks!

RYAN: So Sarah loses round one already, it's not looking good for her so far.

BRENNAN: But beyond physiology though.

RYAN: …Men open jars of pickles.

(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michael and Sarah lined up at a table with one jar of pickles for each of them)

MICHAEL: Whoever opens the jar of pickle first wins the point. One, two, three GO!

(They all use their hands and try really hard to open the jar. Eventually, Ryan takes out a bat and breaks the jar, causing everyone to stop)

SARAH: JESUS!

BRENNAN: Ryan, you can't do that!

RYAN: You lost guys, get over it!

MICHAEL: Alright Lance Armstrong, we'll put in ground rules. No unfair advantages. Definitely not any performance-enhancing drugs.

RYAN: Are you implying Lance Armstrong doped so he could fly to the moon?

MICHAEL: You're an idiot. (Cut to Ryan, Michael, Sarah and Brennan outside Sarah's house wearing jackets because it's snowing outside. Michael is leaning against a car holding a wrench) Men now how to fix cars. So here we have Ryan's car. Who wants to break it?

RYAN: Wow, nobody's going to break my car.

SARAH: Yeah, why don't we just break a bike or something?

RYAN: Or somebody else's car.

MICHAEL: Fine, we'll break someone else's car.

SARAH: I don't think that's a good idea either.

RYAN: But if I fix it for them, they'll appreciate it.

(Cut to a shot with just Sarah and Ryan)

SARAH: Have you ever fixed a car before?

RYAN: No, but I know all the terminology. Righty loosey, lefty loosey.

SARAH: Okay, definitely don't break a car.

(Cut to Michael and Brennan near a car across the street. The front hood is open and Michael is in front of it with the wrench while the engine is smoking and Brennan is standing nearby)

MICHAEL: TOO LATE!

SARAH: Oh no.

(Cut to Isaac, Ryan's drug dealer, counting money in a chair in his house while someone else stands by)

ISAAC: Where's the rest of this?

SOMEONE ELSE: What do you mean?

ISAAC: I'm short five-hundred dollars.

SOMEONE ELSE: Oh, well Ryan Donahue has yet to pay some of his debts.

ISAAC: You mean debts he's owed me since October?

SOMEONE ELSE: Yeah.

ISAAC: That arrogant bashful bastard!

SOMEONE ELSE: Is he arrogant or bashful?

ISAAC: I'll bash him full of my fist if he doesn't pay back the money he owes! When's the last time he bought, Troy?

TROY: Um, he hasn't bought in a few weeks. I tend to think he's no longer a reliable customer.

ISAAC: …Well I suppose that means we should just collect the money and move on with our business, doesn't it?

TROY: Shall we pay him a visit?

ISAAC: We shalt, lest we be crushed betwixt his dainty emo fingers while we're played for chumps!

TROY: That was a pretty weak excuse to say the word "betwixt".

ISAAC: It's a cool word!

TROY: The good news is rumor has it his parents are out of town in New York City dealing with their legal problems, so we can go directly to his house.

ISAAC: Let's betwixt him up!

(Cut to Jacob, Roger, Ross and Logan using a vaporizer in Jacob's closet. Ross is taking a hit)

JACOB: Remind me why we're hot boxing my closet?

(Ross exhales and hands it to Roger, who takes a hit)

LOGAN: It's not hot boxing Jacob, this is a vape, it has no smoke!

(Roger exhales and hands it to Jacob)

JACOB: Okay, then my question stands, why are we in my closet?

LOGAN: My aunt would always say the closet is the most social room of a house.

JACOB: How?

LOGAN: Well, she was schizophrenic and would talk to coats.

JACOB: So you're a chip off the old block, aren't ya?

ROGER: Would you hurry up and take your hit?

JACOB: Sorry.

(He takes a hit and exhales, then hands it to Logan)

LOGAN: Thank you very much.

(He takes a hit and the camera zooms in on his face. Cut to Logan standing in the game room laughing his ass off. Roger and Ross are setting up cups for beer pong while Jacob is holding a bag of ping-pong balls)

ROGER: Dawg, this nigga is high!

JACOB: He's probably too high.

ROGER: No such thing, bro.

ROSS: Do you have the balls?

JACOB: Yeah.

ROGER: Nigga, those are ping-pong balls, we need beer pong balls!

JACOB: You think they market them that way?

(Logan calms down from laughing, Ross takes the pack of balls and finishes setting the cups on one side of the table the way bowling pins are set up. He then fills each of the cups with beer and sets two cups on each side of the table and fills them with water)

JACOB: Hey! Has that water been through a Brita filter? Zach Braff told me to watch out for microbial cysts!

ROSS: Trust me Jacob, if my brothers in Africa can look at some swamp water and decide the eel inside of it is small enough to make the water potable, you can deal with rinsing a ball in this water and touching it.

JACOB: Fine.

ROSS: Okay, so this is how beer pong works. Whoever can fit the most ping-pong balls in their mouth and drink beer at the same time wins!

ROGER: No, not at all, you have two teams; you have to throw ping-pong balls into the beer cups. Whatever cup they land in, the other team has to drink that cup of beer. The object of the game is to take out all of the opposing team's cups.

ROSS: That's not how my brother's college played it.

ROGER: Where'd your brother go, Bennington? HA!

ROSS: Harvard Law School.

ROGER: Never heard of it.

JACOB: Let's just play! Here are the teams! Ross and I versus Roger and Logan.

ROGER: Who goes first?

ROSS: Affirmative action dictates that we go first.

ROGER: Well I'm Hispanic, so I think it dictates that WE go first.

LOGAN: I'm crazy, so I think that dictates that they go first.

JACOB: Then it's settled. (Jacob takes a ping pong ball and gets on one side of the table and throws it, but it hits Chinaberry, which makes him bark) Ooh, sorry boy. Anyway, go ahead, Roger.

(Roger takes a ball and throws it into the middle cup, causing Logan and him to cheer)

LOGAN: WOO! Damn, we're good!

ROGER: No doubt! Drink up, Jacob!

JACOB: Fine. (Jacob drinks a cup of beer) I honestly don't know why that's a punishment.

ROSS: Well, it's not Brita filtered beer. Anyway, me next!

(Ross takes a ball and throws it, and it lands in one of the side cups, causing Jacob and Ross to cheer)

JACOB: WOO! You see, Ross and I work well together, like we're in an interracial buddy cop drama. But you guys make a mockery of the genre!

ROGER: Well I have a secret weapon. A fucking maniac. Logan?

LOGAN: It would be an honor.

(Logan throws the ball and the video goes to slow motion as the ball flies through the air. Suddenly, the ping pong-ball splits open in mid air and releases a smaller ping pong ball, causing both to land in separate cups and making Roger and Logan cheer)

ROGER: WOO!

JACOB: How?

LOGAN: My ex-girlfriend taught me how to do that.

JACOB: Sarah?

LOGAN: No, my ex-girlfriend Alexandra. She was the love of my-(A doorbell is heard) oh, are you guys expecting anyone because I was about to get nostalgic.

JACOB: No, I'm not. Let's look out the window.

(Jacob, Logan, Roger and Ross go into Madeline's old room and look out the window to see Isaac and a few of his goons getting out of Isaac's car. Isaac is brandishing a switch blade)

ROSS: What the fuck?

ROGER: Isn't that Isaac the drug dealer? Do you owe him or something?

JACOB: No, Alex is my guy. That's Ryan's drug dealer.

ROGER: He looks pissed.

JACOB: He's Jewish, right? He might just be pissed that the U.N. admitted Palestine as an observer state.

(Isaac mimics stabbing movements outside their house)

LOGAN: I don't think that's it.

JACOB: Fuck. Let's all calm down a little here. Step up. He's probably after Ryan, we just don't tell him where Ryan is. (Door bell rings) It's showtime.

(Jacob, Ross, Logan and Roger walk downstairs and go to the door)

ROSS: (Whispering) Hold on, before you open it, I'll get me a weapon!

(Ross walks into the computer room and comes out holding up a hardcover copy of "The Patriarch" by David Nasaw)

JACOB: (Whispering) Yeah, that'll help. (Jacob opens the door) Greetings and salutations, oh Isaac of the North. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

ISAAC: Trying a little too hard, right?

JACOB: Yeah.

ISAAC: Where the fuck is Ryan? He owes me five-hundred dollars.

TROY: TELL HIM, BAWSS!

ISAAC: You heard my archetypical bumbling minion. Where the fuck is Ryan?

JACOB: Ryan, well I wouldn't know the first thing about where he is. Not the first thing! Quiz me.

ISAAC: Here's a quiz. (Isaac turns around to reveal he has a shotgun stuffed into the back of his pants) Who has two holes in his face and a bunch of dead friends around him?

JACOB: Who's there?

ISAAC: Wha-that's not how that-(He turns around) the answer is Jacob in three minutes if he doesn't tell me where Ryan is.

JACOB: Having that gun in the back of your pants can't be comfortable, it's basically up your butthole.

ISAAC: Well, I bet your brother would like that. NOW TELL ME WHERE HE IS!

JACOB: Fine, he's at his girlfriend Sarah's house.

ISAAC: What's her address?

JACOB: 1223 Portobello Lane.

ISAAC: See? That wasn't so hard. Have a good day.

(Isaac leaves and Jacob shuts the door and busts out his cell phone and presses five for Ryan. Cut to Ryan inside the car they broke listening to metal and smoking a joint with Sarah sitting in the passenger seat and Brennan and Michael sitting in the back)

RYAN: (Singing) UGH! THERE ARE NO DISTANCES WHICH WE CAN DRIVE WHERE CAN TRULY BE ON OUR OWN! THERE ARE ONLY PATHWAYS OUT OF LONELINESS THAT PRECLUDE OUR SOLITUDE AND ADJUST OUR ATTITUDE TO BRIGHTER ALTITUDES EVEN IF WE'RE LYING TO OUR SOUL!

SARAH: Ryan, how is this fixing the car?

(Ryan turns down the radio)

RYAN: I'm fixing it!

(Ryan starts messing with the A/C)

SARAH: No, you're just messing with the air conditioning, turning the knob back and forth! You've given up before you've even started!

RYAN: Donahue family tradition, Sar-bear. (He takes a hit off of his joint) Do you want some?

SARAH: No thank you.

(Ryan's phone starts a-chiming)

RYAN: Hold on. (Ryan answers) Hello?

JACOB: (On the phone) Ryan, this is serious; Isaac just came over demanding to see you about how you owe him five-hundred dollars.

RYAN: What?!

JACOB: Yes, and after he threatened me, I told him where you are. You need to get the hell away from Sarah's house, he just left, so he has time, but you need to go, NOW!

RYAN: Jesus Christ. Um…thank you.

JACOB: You're welcome. If you need anything, call me up little brother.

RYAN: Okay. (He hangs up) Hey, here's an idea, everyone! Road trip!

MICHAEL: What?

RYAN: We should go on a road trip!

SARAH: Wait, right now?

RYAN: Yes, right now!

BRENNAN: To where?

RYAN: Warwick, Rhode Island.

SARAH: Why Warwick?

(Ryan takes a hit)

RYAN: It's a beautiful city this time of year.

BRENNAN: Wasn't it devastated by Sandy?

RYAN: It has devastating good looks! Now let's go. Quickly.

SARAH: Why do you suddenly have this idea?

RYAN: Let's just say the muse spoke to me.

MICHAEL: M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mad-mad-mad-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mad-mad-mad-m-m-m-m-m-madness.

RYAN: No, this muse was less overplayed.

SARAH: Well, would we have somewhere to stay in Warwick?

RYAN: It's only a four and a half hour drive and my sister goes to college there.

BRENNAN: That sounds tantalizing.

RYAN: It is. Let's get in my car and go.

(Brennan, Sarah, Michael and Ryan get out of the car as Ryan takes another hit)

SARAH: We should get our stuff, right?

RYAN: Yes, quickly grab your duffel bags inside. Sarah, get the bag you were going to bring to my house.

SARAH: Okay.

(They all run inside and Ryan gets in the front seat of his car. Ryan tries to start his car, but it won't start)

RYAN: Motherfucker. (He tries starting it again, to no avail) Shit, shit, shit! (He takes a hit and puts out his joint in his ashtray) Wait a minute…(He gets out of his car and walks to the other car, gets inside of it and sees the keys to the car in the cup holder) Yes! (He takes those keys and starts the car up) How am I going to convince them to…? Shit.

(Michael, Sarah and Brennan run out of the house with their duffel bags and go up to the car Ryan is in)

SARAH: What are you doing?

RYAN: My car isn't starting, we have to take this one.

SARAH: Are you kidding? We can't steal this car! Let's just not go!

RYAN: MY DRUG DEALER CAME TO MY HOUSE AND THREATENED JACOB TO TELL ME WHERE I AM BECAUSE I OWE HIM FIVE-HUNDRED DOLLARS, JACOB TOLD THEM I WAS AT YOUR HOUSE, THEY'RE COMING, WE NEED TO GO!

SARAH: JESUS CHRIST!

RYAN: GET IN!

(They all get in the car and Ryan speeds away. Cut to Ryan driving down the road with everybody in the car with him)

SARAH: I can't fucking believe this. I thought you quite X!

RYAN: I did, okay? I quit drugs entirely!

SARAH: You were JUST smoking a J!

RYAN: Almost entirely, listen, the only reason they're after me is because I owe them five-hundred dollars from the month of October when I was a loyal customer of theirs!

SARAH: Why did you rack up such a debt?!

RYAN: I don't know, I only get paid minimum wage at Hot Topic and I rarely show up for work there anyway!

SARAH: So your irresponsibility got us into this mess.

RYAN: Sorry I didn't take responsibility for my drug debts, you know if it was up to you I would pay for all my drugs right away, right?

SARAH: If it was up to me you wouldn't do drugs at all!

RYAN: OH MY GOD, Let's just turn on the radio.

(Ryan turns on the radio)

NPR ANNOUNCER: This is NPR, 90.1. Yesterday former Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney met with President Barack Obama at the White House to discuss what role, if any, Governor Romney would play in President Obama's second term. Sources close to the President indicated he might be a good Secretary of Horse Racing, or, if the President felt like being a dick, the Secretary of not being the President of the United States. Most likely however, the meeting was intended to make sure Romney and Obama could remain enemies in the face of a post-election cool down. This is NPR, and you are a Liberal systems analyst whose holding a latte while driving right now.

(Ryan changes the station and "Madness" by Muse starts playing)

RYAN: UGH!

(Cut to Jacob, Ross, Roger and Logan sitting around the kitchen table. Jacob is on the phone)

JACOB: Madeline, Ryan is coming to your dorm room in Warwick.

MADELINE: (On the phone) Wha…what?

JACOB: Yes, he's got drug dealers after him for money. Luckily, I warned him ahead of time and they should have no idea where he's going. But he's going to Warwick. Be ready.

MADELINE: When…when will he be here?

JACOB: Well, it's a four and a half hour drive, so…do the math.

MADELINE: What time is it?

JACOB: it's-(Jacob looks at his phone) ten o'clock.

MADELINE: So he'll be here by three AM?

JACOB: Yes.

MADELINE: Okay. How much does Ryan owe the dealer?

JACOB: Somewhere in the vicinity of approximately exactly five hundred dollars.

MADELINE: Why don't you call the police on them?

JACOB: And risk my death? No thanks.

MADELINE: You're risking Ryan's death!

JACOB: He could die either way! Plus if I did call the police Ryan would probably be arrested for buying.

MADELINE: Don't you think law enforcement is more concerned with distributors than users?

JACOB: Have you ever met the police before?

MADELINE: Ugh, well what if Isaac does find out he's going to Warwick?

JACOB: Then, we might have to deploy mom and dad in New York.

MADELINE: You know, I'd rather have Ryan in jail than dead.

JACOB: Madeline, the punishment for possessing ecstasy in Vermont is up to one year in prison and up to a 500,000 dollar fine. It's a schedule I drug.

MADELINE: How do we know he still has any of it?

JACOB: C'mon, it's Ryan!

(Cut to Ryan driving)

RYAN: I don't have any X okay? I took all of it in October, I don't have any left!

SARAH: Well then why don't we call the police on Isaac?

RYAN: What would that do?! I don't know his license plate number, I don't know the make/model of his car, I don't even know his last name! Drug dealers never really tell you last names, you know?

SARAH: I'll find him on Facebook. Michael, Brennan, go on LinkedIn and try to find him.

RYAN: There's no internet connection in the middle of the road!

SARAH: Where's the Wi-Fi hotspot in this car?

RYAN: There is none!

(Cut back to Jacob talking to Madeline)

JACOB: Let's just avoid calling the police or mom and dad as long as we can. I told Ryan to call me if he had any problems, so we'll cross that river when we get to it.

MADELINE: Fine. Does he know how to get to Warwick?

JACOB: He has a GPS.

(Cut to Ryan driving. Sarah is holding the GPS)

SARAH: How do you get it to picture mode?

RYAN: It's not a camera! Just put in 2500 Post Road, Warwick, Rhode Island, 02886.

SARAH: It's telling me to install Flash Player 5.

RYAN: What?

(Cut back to Jacob and Madeline talking)

JACOB: He'll be fine.

MADELINE: Okay.

JACOB: What should I do in the meantime?

MADELINE: Just..do whatever you were doing before. There's nothing really you can do unless Ryan calls you.

JACOB: …Okay. Be ready for when Ryan arrives. I'll call him every now and then to make sure he's okay.

MADELINE: Okay. (Sighs) Why does Ryan always get himself into these kinds of situations?

JACOB: …I don't know. But it'll be alright, it always turns out to be fine.

MADELINE: Okay. Bye.

JACOB: Bye.

(Jacob hangs up. Cut to Madeline in bed with Oliver hanging up her phone and putting it on the bedside table)

OLIVER: What was that about?

MADELINE: My brother's coming over.

OLIVER: Right now?

MADELINE: Yes. Sorry, but you can't stay the night. He'll be here at three.

OLIVER: Well, good, because I was noticing the sexual tension between us.

MADELINE: (Giggles) Yeah, us having sex really highlighted that.

OLIVER: Yeah.

(Cut to Ryan driving)

RYAN: Okay, we're on interstate I-189.

SARAH: It says after that you have to merge onto I-189 East and then take the exit onto I-189 South towards Williston and Montpelier.

RYAN: Okay.

BRENNAN: We should play twenty questions.

RYAN: Sure. Do you have something?

BRENNAN: Yes.

RYAN: Is it a human?

BRENNAN: Yes.

RYAN: is it William Murderface?

BRENNAN: Goddamnit, we're way too similar.

RYAN: Yeah, Metalacalypse.

(Cut to Jacob chugging a red cup of beer and then putting it down)

JACOB: Oh my God, we suck at this game. I am so shitfaced.

ROGER: Well I'm pretty lucid right now, so…shit we better start losing.

LOGAN: We don't need to lose to get drunk! Let's just get! (Logan takes out a bottle of Hennessey) WOO!

JACOB: I'm already pretty drunk.

LOGAN: Yeah, well this'll make you forget even more about your brother being chased by drug dealers!

JACOB: At least put it in in egg nog. I like a little Christmas with my alcohol.

LOGAN: Ross, go get egg nog.

ROSS: Why me?

(Cut to Isaac, Troy and two others pulling up to Sarah's house. Isaac, Troy and the others get out of the car and walk up to the door. Isaac knocks on it very lightly)

TROY: We're drug dealers demanding money, why waste time being polite? I mean, no offense boss, but that knock was pathetic.

ISAAC: Fine. (Isaac knocks really loudly. Ten seconds later, he kicks in the door. They walk in to see nobody there) HELLO?! RYAN, WE GOT REAL IMPORTANT STUFF TO TELL YOU! CHRISTMAS HAS COME EARLY, AND SANTA WANTS HIS COOKIES! ALSO HIS DRUG MONEY!

TROY: Speaking of cookies, there are cookies sitting on the front stoop!

ISAAC: Shut it, Troy. Let's search this dump.

(Cut to Isaac opening a closet and then Troy checking in cabinets and the dishwasher and the fridge. Then Cut to Isaac looking in the backyard. Then cut to Troy running a toothbrush through his hair in the bathroom. Then cut to Isaac, Troy and the rest in the living room)

ISAAC: It doesn't appear as if he's here. Which means he escaped. But to where?

TROY: Well, he probably didn't go back home, because he knows we'd go back there.

ISAAC: So where then?

TROY: Well…I know his sister goes to the New England Institute of Technology. So maybe he's heading there.

ISAAC: How do you know that?

TROY: Madeline and I used to bang.

ISAAC: Of course. Okay, well we should go there then. It's a perfect safe haven for Ryan at this pojnt. Or at least it was.

(They all laugh and leave the house. Cut to Ryan driving)

RYAN: I'll see if Muse is done playing on the radio.

(Ryan turns on the radio and "Loser" by Beck starts playing. Cut to a bird's eye view of Ryan's stolen car traveling across the highway while this song plays. Cut to Sarah making a sandwich while her mom, dressed in lady clothes, talks to her while holding a batch of cookies. Sarah sees Ryan's car pull up outside and she grabs her duffel bag and goes outside as Amy follows. Cut to Jacob on his laptop when a doorbell is heard. Jacob gets up and opens the door to see Ross. They both smile and Jacob lets Ross come in and put his stuff down. Ross takes a baggie of a gram of weed out of his bag and shows it to Jacob, who smiles half-heartedly. Cut to Ryan flushing his X down the toilet. As it flushes, he takes a swig of Vodka and then vomits. Cut to Logan in Jacob's closet looking at a middle school picture of Alexandra Steele, his ex-girlfriend. He starts sweating profusely and throws the yearbook to the side. He then hears cars pull up and walks over to the window to look outside to see its Ross, Jacob and Roger. He smiles. As the song ends, cut to a sign reading "ENTERING WARWICK CITY LIMITS POP: 82, 672". Fade to black)

THE END





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