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The Donahues Episode 6

By: NEONETWORK

Page 1, Ryan and Jacob avoid dad and Jacob finds out some things about him and his friends, Ryan tries to finish what he started in Iraq but is rejected by Michelle, Kimberly makes some changes at the HOA but also dips into its funds and Madeline tries dating for once

 

THE DONAHUES

 

“OH BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“Some days we argue; at times we’re at each other’s’ throats like rabid wolves that hiss; alone, we’re okay; with his friends, I embarrass him because I exist.”

  • Shadigo Claws

(We start with Ryan listening to music on his iPod in class. He is wearing super skinny black jeans and a black “Brane” t-shirt. His English teacher approaches. His English teacher is a plump man with thinning brown hair and a moustache. He rips the ear buds out of his ear.)

 

ENGLISH TEACHER: Ryan! Pay attention to ME! Thank you.

 

RYAN: Sorry, Mr. Guglielmo.

 

MR. GUGLIELMO: It’s fine. (He walks back to the board) Today class, we’re discussing the Tragedy of #JuliusCaesar. He was an epic FAIL of a leader of Rome, so much so, that Senators, including one of his BFFs, pwned him on the floor of the Roman Senate.

 

SOME STUDENT: …What?

 

MR. GUGLIELMO: How are you not getting this, Adam? Caesar got owned on the floor of the Roman Senate! Brutus and Cassius were like angry birds and Julius Caesar was like the pigs! Get it?

 

ADAM: Why are you talking weirdly?

 

MR. GUGLIELMO: I’m talking in your guys’ language, you know? Caesar was like Kony and Brutus and Cassius were like…Drake?

 

ADAM: Drake killed Joseph Kony?

 

MR. GUGLIELMO: Totes.

 

RYAN: Oh my god, stop! You’re trying to connect with us, I realize that, but it’s just not working, we know how to speak English, just say “Julius Caesar was murdered on the floor of the Roman Senate”. We’d understand that!

 

MR. GUGLIELMO: You’re sassing me. Go to the office.

 

(The entire class “oohs” as Ryan leaves in a huff. Cut to Ryan in Principal Maxell’s office. The office light is really dim and the principal is sitting across from Ryan with his feet on the table in his fine Italian suit)

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Oh, Mr. Donahue, I am disappointed in your behavior. So disappointed, really.

 

RYAN: Principal Maxell, I am very sorry for what transpired, I was just trying to help Mr. Guglielmo with whatever the hell he was teaching. I mean, he was trying to talk to us in teen language, but it just wasn’t working.

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Listen homie,

 

RYAN: Oh God.

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Dat stuff not coo.

 

RYAN: This is what I’m talking about!

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well, I don’t think Mr. Guglielmo should honestly expect me to punish you severely for this, so I’m letting you off with a warning.

 

RYAN: Thank you.

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yo.

 

RYAN: Ugh…

 

(Cut to Ryan and Jacob talking in the hallway during passing period. Jacob is wearing a red American Eagle shirt and blue jeans)

 

RYAN: Hey, I was just in Principal Maxell’s office, and-

 

JACOB: I don’t care. (He begins to walk away)

 

RYAN: And he showed me his dick!

 

(Jacob turns back)

 

JACOB: What?

 

RYAN: He didn’t, really.

 

JACOB: What the hell is wrong with you? I was so fucking shocked, why’d you do that?

 

RYAN: I wanted to get your attention, you were walking away!

 

JACOB: Well, my friends are going to be here soon, I can’t have them-

 

RYAN: What? See you around me? Your fucking brother?

 

JACOB: Yes, exactly!

 

RYAN: Dude, I think they’ll understand, we’re brothers!

 

(Beckett and Lilly walk over)

 

BECKETT: Hey, Jacob.

 

JACOB: Hey…

 

LILLY: What’s the emo kid doing here?

 

BECKETT: You guys comparing scars?

 

(Beckett, Lilly and Jacob laugh)

 

JACOB: No, it’s just my brother, who was just leaving.

 

RYAN: Fine, whatever.

 

(Ryan leaves. Cut to Kimberly during an HOA meeting. She is wearing a brown top and a necklace with a dress skirt and is sitting down at a roundtable in the HOA meeting place next to Karen and the rest of Kim’s ideological coalition on the council. They are talking indiscriminately when Evan, the President of the HOA, takes the highest chair to gavel in the meeting)

 

EVAN: (Gavel) The HOA will come to order. Today, we will be deciding the fate of the steel playground on Park Street. Final arguments will be heard today. Let’s start with Councilwoman Donahue.

 

(Kimberly stands up)

 

KIMBERLY: Thank you, Mr. President. Mr. President, the steel playground on Park Street is dangerous. There have been numerous reports of children’s skin being burned on the playground there, and we especially need to tear it down as we head deeper into spring and into the summer. Because as soon as high temperatures hit, our children will get burned again. Thank you, Mr. President.

 

(Kimberly’s coalition verbally expresses agreement as she takes her seat)

 

EVAN: Ellen?

 

(Ellen rises to address the council)

 

ELLEN: Mr. President, and may it please the council. Mr. President, if our children can’t handle the responsibility to not burn themselves on a playground, then that’s tough. The HOA shouldn’t coddle them, we should encourage them to make their own choices and utilize personal responsibility. She says it’s dangerous because it will be summer soon. Right now by the way Mr. President, it’s only fifty degrees out! It’s not a concern for us right now! It would cost so much money to tear that playground down and replace it with something else. Money we’re going to get from where? Also, heat is bad for you? Tell that to a plant! Tell that to popcorn. Tell that to a stove or an oven. This is smoke and mirrors, Mr. President. Smoke and mirrors. I yield the floor.

 

(She sits down as her coalition expresses verbal agreement)

 

EVAN: The question is, shall we get rid of the steel playground? All in favor say aye?

 

KIMBERLY COALITION: AYE!

 

EVAN: All opposed say no?

 

ELLEN COALITION: NO!

 

EVAN: In the opinion of the chair, the ayes have it; the ayes have it, Ellen?

 

ELLEN: Mr. President, I demand a recorded vote.

 

EVAN: A recorded vote is ordered. Members will record their votes via ballot box; this is a five minute vote. (Gavel)

 

(Cut to Ryan talking to Brennan and Sarah at the bus stop after school, waiting for the buses to transport them back home)

 

RYAN: So that’s when I decided how tight is too tight.

 

BRENNAN: It’s usually when the balls become perturbed.

 

SARAH: I don’t generally have that problem.

 

(Jacob enters stage right)

 

JACOB: Hey Ryan, I need to talk to you.

 

RYAN: Oh, are your cool cat friends not around?

 

JACOB: Just, shut up and listen. I just talked with dad on the phone and he says that he’s trying to install DVR in our house.

 

RYAN: Jesus.

 

BRENNAN: Isn’t that good?

 

JACOB: Fuck no, it’s not good. Every time dad tries to install anything ever, it degrades into a festival of cursing and punching in inanimate objects.

 

RYAN: Plus, if we went there, he’d expect us to help him with the installation!
 

BRENNAN: And that’s bad…why?

 

RYAN: Because we’re self-centered and lazy, I don’t know!

 

BRENNAN: That’s oddly self-aware.

 

JACOB: Just, stop butting in you emo fucks, we need solutions!

 

RYAN: Just, get your car and we’ll go to Town Center.

 

JACOB: Okay, I’ll pull the car around.

 

RYAN: See ya, guys.

 

JACOB: See ya, faggots.

 

(Ryan and Jacob exit stage right. Cut to Madeline on her laptop in her room)

 

MADELINE: Ooh, he’s on.

 

(Cut to the computer screen. Madeline is on Facebook chat with a boy named Dirk Jameson. The following dialogue is in text-form on Facebook chat)

 

MADELINE: hey this is Maddie. Wat up?

 

DIRK: nm, just got done workin out. U?

 

MADELINE: just rlly bored. Wanna do something sometime?

 

DIRK: absolute. Only prob is idk when im free.

 

MADELINE: yeah same im not sure when im free. Wait, do u have a car/

 

DIRK: lol yeah a Pontiac firebird

 

MADELINE: shiz, what year? 67? 68?

 

DIRK: 2002. Still da shit tho.

 

MADELINE: yea, that’s pretty coo

 

DIRK: my dad bought it right after he met fmr president George w bush, remember him?

 

MADELINE: yea that wasn’t that long ago

 

DIRK: it was like a decade ago! There weren’t even ipods back then

 

MADELINE: yeah there were

 

DIRK: fine, but there weren’t iphones!

 

MADELINE: there weren’t iphones in 1967 either

 

DIRK: whatevs girl, u fly. Anyway, how bout I take you to lunch tomorrow at school?

 

MADELINE: that sounds awesome dirk. Ill see ya.

 

DIRK: peace out girr.

 

(Dirk logs out, cut back to Madeline)

 

MADELINE: Peace out girr? (Knock on the door) Ryan, go cry somewhere else, I’m too busy to deal with your MDD right now.

 

VOICE: It’s me! Kyle!

 

MADELINE: Oh. (She gets up and opens the door) Hey.

 

KYLE: Hey, I brought some condoms and movies that are being shipped here today.

 

MADELINE: Kyle I-wait, you’re having them shipped here? You couldn’t have just stopped at the convenience store and the porno mart?

 

KYLE: I could’ve, but every time I carry a plastic bag filled with smutty shit around, I feel like those guys on Dateline.

 

MADELINE: Well, just-uh, I can’t do it today.

 

KYLE: What? We always fuck Tuesdays at 5pm.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, well, Kyle, I met somebody.

 

KYLE: Met somebody? Where? Who?

 

MADELINE: I met somebody at school, and now we’re talking on Facebook, and now we’re going to have lunch, and I feel like I really like this guy, as opposed to the sex slaves like you that I used to have stuffed in every nook and cranny of this room.

 

KYLE: Hey, we weren’t sex slaves, we were-

 

MADELINE AND KYLE: (In unison) completely willing.

 

KYLE: Yeah.

 

MADELINE: I know, it’s just, ever since Jacob made me get rid of mine and he got rid of his, I feel like I really have a chance to be in a long-term relationship with someone who I value for a reason besides his dick.

 

KYLE: But my dick is huge!

 

MADELINE:  Yeah, it’s, it’s a’ight.

 

KYLE: Don’t use black slang with me, because I know that’s when you’re not being honest.

 

MADELINE: Wow that sounds really racist.

 

KYLE: Well, that’s not what I meant; I just mean that you never mean anything you say in black slang.

 

MADELINE: Ain’t true.

 

KYLE: Goddamnit! Who am I supposed to have sex with now?

 

MADELINE: This is exactly why this is over. All I am is a pussy to you.

 

(Madeline pushes Kyle away from the door and slams it. Cut to Ethan pulling up in his Lexus in the driveway. He exits his car and goes to the mailbox and pulls out a package.)

 

ETHAN: Hm. Mail.

 

(He opens it up and bears witness to condoms and porno movies)

 

ETHAN: ...Jesus. I don’t think this will help me with my DVR.

 

(Cut to Ryan and Jacob in Jacob’s car. Jacob is driving to Hansbay Town Center)

 

RYAN: So, what are we going to do at Town Center, anyway?

 

JACOB: Uh, well, there’s a Bell and Nobler.

 

RYAN: A what?

 

JACOB: You know, the book store.

 

RYAN: You mean a Barnes and Noble?

 

JACOB: Hey, shut up about that.

 

RYAN: How about we go out to eat?

 

JACOB: Or we could see a movie.

 

RYAN: Okay, sure. What mo-

 

JACOB: Well if you’re not going to come up with a movie, how about, I don’t know, the Hunger Games?

 

RYAN: You didn’t even let me finish my sentence, much less think of a movie to see.

 

JACOB: Well, how about the Hunger Games?

 

RYAN: Fine, whatever.

 

JACOB: I don’t even really know what it’s about, but it sounds interesting.

 

RYAN: Yeah, I’m not sure what it’s about either.

 

JACOB: Well it’s about this girl named Katniss Everdeen, who lives in this post-apocalyptic world called Panem where North America once existed. There’s a totalitarian government-

 

RYAN: Okay, so you definitely know what it’s about.

 

JACOB:  Well, I’ve read all the books.

 

RYAN: Why didn’t you just say that from the get-go?

 

JACOB: I don’t know, it’s embarrassing.

 

RYAN: How? You like a book, there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s not like it’s Twilight or something.

 

JACOB: Yeah, I guess. Let’s go! (He turns into Town Center. Cut to them at a burger place called “Four Guys”. Jacob is eating a cheese burger with a drink and a bag of Cajun fries. Ryan is having nothing)

 

JACOB: That movie was terrific.

 

RYAN: Really? I don’t know, the camera work was a little shaky, plus there were a lot of missed opportunities.

 

JACOB: Where’d you hear that shit?

 

RYAN: Um, the NPR movie reviewer.

 

JACOB: Kimberly and you really have to lay off the liberal bullshit of NPR.

 

RYAN: Yeah, they talk about worker ants, inner-city schools, movies and occasionally politics in a monotone voice, there’s some real left-wing trickery afoot. By the way, why hadn’t you already seen it by now? It came out a couple of weeks ago.

 

JACOB: Yeah, but I didn’t have anyone to see it with. Could you imagine how embarrassing it would be if Lilly, Beckett or Peter knew I liked the Hunger Games and wanted to see it with them?

 

RYAN: Christ, there’s nothing embarrassing about it! How are you this insecure about a book trilogy you like?

 

JACOB: I don’t know, it’s just…reading in general is just a stigma with most of my friends.

 

RYAN: …Oh my God. I have more friends than you do.

 

JACOB: (Eyes widen, starts sweating) No…

 

RYAN: Yeah, I do. A friend is somebody who will accept who you are, what you like, who you like and virtually everything else about you and your personality. Yet, you’re scared shitless to even divulge the astonishing fact that you enjoy the Hunger Games.

 

JACOB: Well, just…it’s not like that, it’s just…goddamnit, you’re right.

 

RYAN: Wow. This is crazy. You avoided talking to me today because you’re uncomfortable with yourself, not because you’re uncomfortable with me.

 

JACOB: Stop psychologically evaluating me! It’s not like you’re one to talk about psychological problems, Mr. MDD.

 

RYAN: You’re an asshole.

 

JACOB: I know, I’m sorry.

 

RYAN: It’s a serious disorder, Jacob.

 

JACOB: Yeah, I know.  I’m sorry; I’m just…upset that my so-called “friends” aren’t friends!

 

RYAN: Yeah, that is rather upsetting. Want some cough syrup? (Takes out some Nyquil™®©)

 

JACOB:  Are you fucking serious?

 

RYAN: Apparently not. (Puts away his non-brand specific cough medicine)

 

JACOB: You know what though?

 

RYAN: What?

 

JACOB: I do have one friend. (Ryan smiles) Ross. (Ryan’s smile disappears)

 

RYAN: You mean the black kid?

 

JACOB: Yeah, him. He’s awesome, he abstains from the drugs Peter, Beckett, Lilly and I do, and he talks about real stuff.

 

RYAN: Hm. Well, that’s really cool, then.

 

(A grody, old, turkey-necked, chain smoking waitress walks over)

 

WAITRESS: (Raspy voice) Do you want the bill?

 

RYAN: Sure. Should I stick the tip through the hole in your throat?

 

(Jacob’s eyes widen. Cut to the HOA meeting, Members are starting to settle back in and Evan sits down at the head desk and gavels in)

 

EVAN: The HOA will come to order. On this vote, the yeas are 16, the nays are 13, the resolution is agreed to. (Kimberly’s coalition cheers and Ellen’s coalition groans) Order! Order! (Order comes to the council) Thank you. The next item of business is the resolution to declare water guns a nuisance detracting from the value of the neighborhood. Debate shall be equally divided between the coalition leaders or their designees. Kimberly?

 

(Kimberly rises)

 

KIMBERLY: Thank you, Mr. President. I am against the resolution, I believe that water guns are a fun way for kids to exercise and stay cool during the summer months.

 

ELLEN: It’s April for goodness’ sakes! This woman has no idea what she’s yammering on about!

 

KIMBERLY: Mr. President!

 

EVAN: (Slams the gavel thrice) There will be order in the council! Ellen, your outburst was inappropriate and childish!

 

ELLEN: EVAN, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF NOT HAVING THE MAJORITY CONTROL OF THIS COUNCIL! IT HAS BEEN CO-OPTED BY LIBERALS WHO THINK THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT! CODDLE THE HOMELESS, CODDLE THE KIDS, DEREGULATE THE BICYCLES, WATER GUNS, PLAY HOUSES AND SKATEBOARDS THAT DETRACT FROM THE VALUE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

 

KIMBERLY: All of those things you just said sound really fun. Why are you so eager to regulate fun?

 

ELLEN: Because it makes me SICK.

 

(She runs out of the room in a huff)

 

EVAN: Jesus. (He leaves to chase after her. Cut to Kimberly, Karen and two other members of Kimberly’s coalition at lunch at a restaurant called “Bernie’s Grinders”. It’s a sub shop)

 

KIMBERLY: Well, I think we got a lot of valuable stuff done today. We repealed some of those charter provisions disrespecting the homeless.

 

KAREN: I can’t believe they had a provision saying homeless people had to be drug tested before using public water fountains.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, I know. Well, we have a lot more work to do. Right, Kathy?

 

KATHY: Yeah, but for now, I say we party hardy.

 

KIMBERLY: What do you mean?

 

KATHY: Well, I happened to take a look at a paper Evan had tossed to the side, and I think the HOA reserves might be open for the taking.

 

KIMBERLY:  Kathy!

 

KATHY: What? Just a little bit, they won’t notice, right Kelly?

 

KELLY: Yeah, it’s fine.

 

KAREN: Guys, that doesn’t sound very ethical.

 

KIMBERLY: Don’t be a bitch, we’re doing this!

 

(Everybody except Karen raises their glasses and cheers. Cut to the four of them at “SITY” a local Hansbay night club. They are all dancing in their best dresses while other men and women in club clothing dance around them. Strobe lights, multicolored lights, dance floor lights and various other lights whiz around their heads while club music plays. Karen is sitting down at a table in disgust)

 

KAREN: My lord…

 

KIMBERLY: (Yelling over the music) HEY KELLY!

 

KELLY: YEAH?

 

KIMBERLY: LET’S MAKE IT RAIN WITH THE HOA MONEY!

 

KATHY NO, WE NEED THAT FOR DRINKS!

 

KIMBERLY: DAMN, YOU’RE RIGHT!

 

KELLY: HOW ABOUT-(Takes a bunch of receipts out of her purse) THESE RECEIPTS?

 

(Kimberly, Kathy and Kelly start throwing receipts into the air. Cut to Madeline and Dirk, who is a muscular kid with spiked dark hair, a tight black V-neck and blue jeans, at “Bernie’s Grinders”)

 

MADELINE: So I liked the Firebird ride over here.

 

DIRK: I know, it was pretty bapp.

 

MADELINE: Bapp?

 

DIRK: Yeah, it was bapp.

 

MADELINE: Hell does that mean?

 

DIRK: It means good.

 

MADELINE: Oh. Waiter!

 

(The waiter, a scrawny teen with brown hair and glasses, saunters over)

 

WAITER: Hello. What can I get for you?

 

MADELINE: I’d like-

 

DIRK: She’d like a tall glass of go fuck yourself, you nerd.

 

MADELINE: Jesus.

 

DIRK: With a side order of shut the fuck up and a main course of you’re a bitch.

 

MADELINE; What are you doing??

 

DIRK: Also, could she have Doctor Pepper?

 

WAITER: We only have Mr. Pibb.

 

DIRK: Fine, she’ll have that too.

 

MADELINE: What, you’re just going to take that?

 

WAITER: I’m used to customers being hostile to me; my dad says that when I was born, I had a birth mark on my back that read “SHIT ON ME”.

 

MADELINE: He sounds like a bad father.

 

WAITER: Yeah.

 

DIRK: Are you talking to my girl, nerd bag?

 

WAITER: I’m sorry, mister. I’ll be right back with what you ordered.

 

(The waiter leaves)

 

MADELINE: What the hell is wrong with you?

 

DIRK: What? That geek was eyeing you, girl.

 

MADELINE: I’m not your “girl”, Dirk, and you’re not my “guy”. You’re an asshole, I’d rather kiss that dweeb than go anywhere near your lips.

 

DIRK: Then do it.

 

MADELINE: Fuck no. But that’s not the point. The point is, your Firebird sucks,

 

DIRK: (Gasps)

 

MADELINE: Your clothes suck, you’re a mean person, you’re a braggart and you think you’re cool, but guess what Dirk,

 

DIRK: What?

 

MADELINE: You’re…not.

 

DIRK: I was expecting something more creative.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, but I couldn’t of anything else, anyway, I have to go. Bye.

 

(Madeline picks up her purse and leaves as the waiter approaches the table)

 

WAITER: Wait! Where are you going, I already fucked myself!

 

DIRK: What’s your name, nerd-hole?

 

WAITER: Josh.

 

DIRK: Damnit, that’s a cool name. Get me an ice cream for one, please.

 

JOSH: Wow, that’s sad.

 

DIRK: Hey, fuck you, Josh.

 

(A hot girl comes up to Josh)

 

JOSH: Hey, Courtney.

 

COURTNEY: Hey, Josh.

 

JOSH: This is my girlfriend.

 

(Dirk stabs himself in the hand with a fork. Cut to Jacob’s car pulling up in front of the Donahue household. Jacob and Ryan exit and walk to the front door, which Jacob opens to let Ryan inside. Cut to the living room. Ethan is working on installing DVR as Jacob and Ryan enter)

 

ETHAN: MOTHERFUCKING CUNT WHISTLE!

 

RYAN: Really? Aren’t you a Christian conservative?

 

ETHAN: Not when I’m hands deep in a DVR cable catastrophe. Now help me out, you two.

 

JACOB: HOME WORK!

 

RYAN: SAME!

 

(They both run upstairs. Cut to the following day. Madeline is in the bathroom at the High School, crying in front of the mirror after her date. Jacob enters)

 

MADELINE: Jesus, what are you doing in here?

 

JACOB: This is the boy’s bathroom!

 

MADELINE: Oh. I really should’ve inferred that from the urinals.

 

JACOB: Yeah.

 

MADELINE: And all the drawings of dicks everywhere.

 

JACOB: Right. Anyway, why were you crying?

 

MADELINE: I had a lunch date with Dirk, and it did not go well.

 

JACOB: Oh, I’m sorry about that. What happened?

 

MADELINE: He completely ripped on the nerd that waited our table at Bernie’s Grinders.

 

JACOB: Oh yeah, Josh.

 

MADELINE: I just don’t understand, I try to start dating for once, and I get drawn to assholes like a plastic to a magnet.

 

JACOB: Bad simile, but whatever, the point is, you’re new to this. Ever since we gave up our slaves, we’ve both had to adjust.

 

MADELINE: I guess.

 

JACOB: I mean, I went to lunch with Ryan last night, and I found out I only have one friend.

 

MADELINE: Is it Ryan?

 

JACOB: Fuck no, it’s Ross. The other ones don’t get me, they’re like Taco Bell tacos, they’re just filler.

 

MADELINE: I’m sorry to hear that…hug?

 

(Jacob nods, and Madeline and Jacob embrace in a hug. Cut to Ryan and Michelle at Hot Topic, behind the registers. Ryan is wearing super skinny black jeans with a grey “Revenged Ultimate” shirt. Michelle is wearing a black “Dark Veil Grooms” shirt with a black skirt and leggings)

 

RYAN: Is someone…ticklish?

 

(Ryan prepares to tickle Michelle, but Michelle pulls out a switchblade)

 

MICHELLE: Is someone stabbish?

 

RYAN: Jesus!

 

MICHELLE: Sorry, sorry, I just don’t like being tickled.

 

(Michelle puts away her switchblade)

 

RYAN: You were going to stab me?

 

MICHELLE: You’re right, you’re right, it was too far.

 

RYAN: Yeah.

 

MICHELLE: The question is, are you ticklish?

 

(Michelle begins tickling Ryan and he laughs hysterically. They stop once a homeless man enters the store)

 

RYAN: Oh no.

 

HOMELESS MAN: Hello, young sir and lady. Are you aware the government has spy dunes flyin’ all over, spyin’ on me and my cats?

 

RYAN: No, I was not aware of that.

 

HOMELESS MAN: Oh, it’s true, sonny boy.

 

RYAN: I think you mean drones, by the way.

 

HOMELESS MAN: No!

 

MICHELLE: …Okay. Are you going to purchase something?

 

HOMELESS MAN: I once knew a girl named Purchase.

 

RYAN: I’m going to stop you right there, there is no way you knew a girl named Purchase.

 

HOMELESS MAN: Yeah, “Purchase” based on the novel “Push” by sapphire.

 

MICHELLE: That’s “Precious” you’re thinking of.

 

HOMELESS MAN: You’re precious.

 

MICHELLE: So I’m a fat black chick?

 

HOMELESS MAN: No, you’re just precious, you’re beautiful, I want to smell your insides.

 

MICHELLE: Wow, that’s disgusting.

 

RYAN: SECURITY!

 

(Security personnel arrive and escort the homeless man from the store. Michelle starts breathing heavily and leans on the counter)

 

RYAN: Are you okay?

 

MICHELLE: No, that asshole was about to attack me, I could see it in his eyes.

 

RYAN: He’s gone now, calm down.

 

MICHELLE: I can’t…let’s go to the back room, I can’t have customers see me like this.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

(Michelle and Ryan run to the back room)

 

MICHELLE: I’m sorry, I’m just, spooked.

 

RYAN: It’s fine. Maybe I can make it better.

 

(Ryan leans in for a kiss, but Michelle pushes his lips back gently with her hand)

 

MICHELLE: What are you doing?

 

RYAN: I was going to finish what we started in Iraq.

 

MICHELLE: What? We thought we were going to die! We’re just friends!

 

RYAN: Really?

 

MICHELLE: Yeah, really.

 

RYAN: You don’t have a boyfriend, right?

 

MICHELLE: I don’t, I just…don’t know if this is what I want.

 

RYAN: …Fine. I’m going to…I’m going to leave early, is that okay?

 

MICHELLE: Ryan…

 

RYAN: Great. See ya.

 

(Ryan leaves. Cut to Ryan getting on his bicycle outside the Hansbay mall. He begins riding it as “Winter” by Joshua Radin plays. As this song continues, we cut to Jacob in his room looking at pictures of him and Peter, Beckett, Lilly and Ross at the bowling alley. Then cut to Madeline laying on her bed, thinking. Cut to Ryan in his room, wielding a knife, examining his past scars on his wrist. Cut to Michelle, resting her head on her hand in Hot Topic, thinking. Cut to Kyle in his room playing with a purple bracelet with the name “Madeline” on it. Cut to Ryan, then to Jacob, then to Madeline, then to Michelle, then to Kyle, quickly, all of them in the same positions as they were in before. These scenes take up the entire 3 ½ minutes it takes to play this song. Cut to Ethan watching television, skipping forward and rewinding scenes. Kimberly enters)

 

KIMBERLY: Hey.

 

ETHAN: Hey, check it out. I finally got this DVR installed.

 

KIMBERLY: Good job.

 

ETHAN: Now when I watch MAD MEN, I don’t have to hear them shit on Mitt Romney anymore!

 

KIMBERLY: They were talking about George Romney; he was the Governor of Michigan at the time MAD MEN takes place.

 

ETHAN: Well, I’m not going to rest until Don Draper spanks a little five-year old Barack Obama on that show.

 

KIMBERLY: How about a little one-year old Ethan Donahue?

 

ETHAN: (Chuckles) Get over here.

 

(Kimberly sits down next to Ethan and Ethan puts his arm around her)

 

ETHAN: What have you been doing with the HOA recently?

 

KIMBERLY: Well,

 

(Cut to Kimberly, Kathy and Kelly at a wine tasting on Martha’s Vineyard. They are each trying wines while an attendant stands by in a tuxedo, holding a spit bucket. Kimberly spits hers out, along with the other two)

 

KIMBERLY: Well that was fun. Let’s go hire lobbyists to get Congress to lower our tax rates!

 

(They all cheer, hold hands and jump around in a circle. Cut back)

 

KIMBERLY: You know, making changes.

 

ETHAN: That’s good. Why the long hours, by the way?

 

KIMBERLY: Well, you know, one of the councilwomen, Martha, wanted us to be divine and go into her yard. Um, Massachusetts.

 

ETHAN: What?

 

KIMBERLY: Nothing.

 

(Kimberly gets up and exits stage left, leaving Ethan confused. Cut to Madeline texting on her bed. There is a knock at the door)

 

MADELINE: Ryan, I don’t have time for your-

 

KYLE’S VOICE: It’s Kyle! Why do you always assume it’s Ryan?

 

MADELINE: Oh.

 

(Madeline gets up and opens the door)

 

MADELINE: What do you want?

 

KYLE: You, uh, left your bracelet at my place once, so I figured I’d give it back to you now.

 

(Kyle produces the bracelet and gives it to her)

 

MADELINE: Thanks. While you’re here, (Madeline produces a watch and gives it to him) there’s your watch. You left it inside me a week or so ago.

 

KYLE: Oh, thanks. How’s the dating scene going?

 

MADELINE: Not good. Dirk was an ass.

 

KYLE: You dated a guy named Dirk?

 

MADELINE: Yeah, he was a jackass.

 

KYLE: Well, I’ve been thinking, and maybe, we can try…dating.

 

MADELINE: Kyle…I don’t know…are you sure you’re ready for that?

 

KYLE: C’mon, we’ve had some good conversations after sex before.

 

MADELINE: I know, but conversations don’t necessarily turn into a meaningful relationship. By that logic I should be dating a picture of Ryan Gosselin by now.

 

KYLE: You have conversations with a picture of Ryan Gosselin?

 

MADELINE: Yeah, he’s a great listener.

 

KYLE: That’s because he’s a picture.

 

MADELINE: Whatever, just, ugh…

 

KYLE: We don’t have to go into this thinking it’s going to turn into a long-term relationship. Let’s just see where it goes. Lunch tomorrow?

 

MADELINE: …What the hell? Sure.

 

KYLE: Cool. See you tomorrow.

 

(They embrace and he leaves. Cut to Jacob and Ross walking down the hallway, past Ryan’s room. Ryan’s emo music is playing really loudly)

 

JACOB: Oh, Christ.

 

ROSS: What?

 

JACOB: Ryan’s been rejected by a girl. (Jacob knocks on the door three times) RYAN? ARE YOU IN THERE?

 

RYAN: GO AWAY!

 

JACOB: OKAY, BUDDY, JUST DON’T HURT YOURSELF.

 

RYAN: WHY???

 

JACOB: ARE YOU ASKING ME WHY OR JUST ASKING THE WORLD WHY?

 

RYAN: GO AWAY!

 

JACOB: Okay, we’re just going to let him ride that out.

 

ROSS: Great. Let’s go.

 

(They both exit stage right. Fade to black)

 

THE END

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