"ONLY MY VOICE"
"To keep the lamp alive, with oil we fill the bowl; 'tis water makes the willow thrive and grace that feeds the soul"
- William Cowper
(We start with Ryan, Cooper, Scott and the rest in group therapy with Mr. Proskovec)
COOPER: So, I was still drinking more than fifteen minutes after the New Year, so…my New Year's resolution was abridged somewhat.
MR. PROSKOVE: Hey, New Years is tough for all of you, I'm sure. It's a time of great festivity and you think "Why not one beer? Just one!" and then you think "Well, a fifty-foot line of cocaine couldn't hurt".
RYAN: Wow, that escalated quickly. Nobody at my party did cocaine for the record.
MR. PROSKOVEC: So it was your party?
RYAN: Well, it was my girlfriend's party. At the party, I got majorly drunk and I punched my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend in front of my current girlfriend and then my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend knocked me out and my current girlfriend and I had a fight about whether I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Ouch. You and Brennan didn't lick anyone did you?
RYAN: No, there was no X there. I just go drunk. Anyway, the following morning I had a panic attack over my problems with Sarah and I went to the emergency room. It was my first panic attack in four months, but much worse.
MR. PROSKOVEC: God, what did they do for you at the ER?
RYAN: They took my vitals, talked to me, gave me a downer and sent me on my merry way. You know, I never thought the conservatives were right about the wait at hospitals being so long because of ObamaCare, but they're right, they accepted some overdosing homeless guy before they accepted me!
SCOTT: Oh my God, you're selfish.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Hey, this is a nurturing environment, Scott. But yeah Ryan, that's fucked up.
RYAN: Yeah I know, anyway, since then I've had to deal with a lot of anxiety and I may have been taking my Prozac more than I should be. (Cut to Ryan in his darkened room throwing prozacs up into the air and trying to get them into his mouth. He fails on the first try) Damnit. (He throws another one into the air and it goes in) Yes!
(Cut back to therapy)
MR. PROSKOVEC: Listen, Ryan, I don't want you to fall victim to the crisis-level prescription drug abuse problem here in Vermont.
RYAN: Wait, what?
MR. PROSKOVEC: Yeah, prescription drug abuse is at a crisis level. Mostly due to our proximity to Canada. Almost two years ago Governor Shumlin said he would do something about it, but it's still a big issue. Don't be another statistic.
RYAN: What about statistics involving the percentage of people in Vermont who aren't addicted to prescription drugs?
MR. PROSKOVEC: Don't ruin the ad campaign motto, okay?
(Cut to Ethan watching C-SPAN. On C-SPAN, House Speaker John Boehner is addressing the newly convened 113th Congress following his narrow re-election as Speaker)
SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER: Put simply, (as he tears up, he takes out a handkerchief) we are sent here not to be something, but to do something.
(He wipes away tears as legislators clap. Kimberly comes in)
KIMBERLY: What are you doing?
ETHAN: I'm watching the 113th Congress convene and Speaker Boehner is crying again.
KIMBERLY: He's such a baby! I mean, if he would cry from joy after being narrowly re-elected as Speaker by a party that hates him, how much would he cry if a tanning salon burned down?
ETHAN: You know, Boehner looks way different in person.
KIMBERLY: You met him?
ETHAN: Yeah, when Sarandon and I went to the Republican National Convention four years ago.
KIMBERLY: Oh yeah. Well anyway, speaking of Mayor Sarandon, our bills are stacking up, okay? We can only give so many things away. Our expenses are way more than our income, Ethan.
ETHAN: Yeah, because President Obama raised our taxes.
KIMBERLY: We don't make more than 400,000 dollars a year Ethan, stop making excuses. The reason this is happening is we have no money because you have an extremely low-paying job. You need to get a better job and do it ASAP.
(Ethan gets up)
ETHAN: Where the hell would I get a better job?! Unemployment's 7.9%!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office, sipping on scotch. Evan comes in)
EVAN: Wow, it's like noon.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well my taxes were raised, so back off.
EVAN: How do you make more than 400,000 dollars a year?!
MAYOR SARANDON: You think this Mayor job is my only source of income? Ask me about my other sources of income.
EVAN: What are your other sources of income?
MAYOR SARANDON: Don't ask.
EVAN: Okay, well anyway, those internship applicants are waiting outside.
MAYOR SARANDON: Great! Send in the first one.
EVAN: Before I do, just make sure that you know which interview questions are illegal, the other people have told me that you've had trouble with that in the past.
MAYOR SARANDON: Trust me, we're good.
EVAN: Okay, first up is Michael Bingaman.
(Evan leaves and Michael Bingaman enters, dressed in a suit. He shakes hands with Mayor Sarandon and sits down. Cut to Evan outside Mayor Sarandon's door pressing his ear up against it, listening. Cut back to Mayor Sarandon and Michael Bingaman)
MAYOR SARANDON: So, Michael, it's nice to meet you. Why are you interested in this internship?
MICHAEL: Well, I'm-
MAYOR SARANDON: You're friends with Ethan's son Ryan, right?
MAYOR SARANDON: What's your sexual orientation?
(Cut to Evan outside the door)
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing Kirsten Snowe)
MAYOR SARANDON: Are you planning on getting pregnant? I don't want the moon's rotation screwing up our clerical work.
KIRSTEN: Do you think the moon's rotation dictates my menstrual cycles?
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing Ross Higgins)
MAYOR SARANDON: Does affirmative action require me to hire you? (Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing Dylan Sharp) Do you work for the Coast Guard? (Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing Kyle Lautenberg) I don't think putting our files in alphabetical order will help the international banking conspiracy you guys are engaging in, but I want to make sure.
KYLE: YOU GOY MOTHERFUCKER!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing a 77-year old Leonard Donahue)
MAYOR SARANDON: Do you know where you are right now? (Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing an eight months pregnant Britney) Are you pregnant? (Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing Farmer John) Got any little pretend farmers? As in, do you have any children?
FARMER JOHN: Even a simple farmer like m'self knows that question's illegal.
MAYOR SARANDON: So you're lawyer John? Ooh! (Takes out recording device and holds it to his mouth) Movie idea; he's a farmer…and a lawyer! Whaaaat? (Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing Edna Sanford) Are you married, sweetheart? (Cut to Mayor Sarandon interviewing T-Pain's welsh half-brother Anhun) Where were you born?
ANHUN: Not a legal question, but I'll answer it, I was born in Cardiff, Wales and I also lived in Tallahassee for a while. Plus, I'm T-Pain's half-brother.
MAYOR SARANDON: Do you think that increases your chances of me hiring you?
(Cut to Madeline and Oliver sitting on Madeline's bed, making out. Suddenly, Oliver's phone makes a noise and he stops making out with Madeline and checks it)
OLIVER: Duplicit seems to be growing. People are already complaining that the old Duplicit was better. That's like a rite of passage for social media. With Kimberly's ads and Mayor Sarandon's generous investment, we're starting to have a following.
MADELINE: That's really cool, Oliver. I'm sorry I was discouraging before, but it seems like you're making a mark. Although I wish you wouldn't interrupt us making out to check your phone.
OLIVER: Sorry. But don't worry. We're all alone in your room and-
(Rob gets up out of the bed they're sitting on, wearing nothing but his boxers)
ROB: Sorry to interrupt!
(They both scream)
MADELINE: YOU'VE BEEN UNDER THE COVERS THIS ENTIRE TIME?!
ROB: Um, yeah, this is my room.
MADELINE: Ethan gave YOU my room?!
ROB: After some coaxing, but yeah he gave this room to me about three weeks ago.
MADELINE: Please leave!
OLIVER: Who sleeps all the way under the covers?!
ROB: Fonzi does! Ayyy!
ROB: Fine, Jesus.
(Rob leaves the room)
MADELINE: Sorry about that, that's my mom's half-brother.
OLIVER: Well, he full-bothers me.
OLIVER: Sorry. Anyway, what other wonders about your hometown would you like to show me?
MADELINE: Um, well, Hansbay has a great mall.
OLIVER: Okay. Let's go there!
(Oliver and Madeline get up, holds hand and walk out of the room. Logan then comes out from under the bed wearing an army uniform)
LOGAN: Vietnam, 1988. The damn Japs are advancing towards D-Day bay, Goddamnit, I need to get out of the house.
(Cut to Madeline and Oliver walking through the Hansbay Mall)
OLIVER: This place is great.
MADELINE: I know it has everything you might want in a mall. It has a Pac-Sun (Pan to a Pac-Sun store) a Zumiez (Pan to a Zumiez store) a New York and Company (Pan to a New York and Company) a Hot Topic (Pan to a Hot Topic) and an Off Topic
(Pan to a store called "Off Topic" which has a gray storefront and signs that say "buy one hoodie, get one free" and "20% off all belts through February 2013")
OLIVER: I haven't heard of that one.
MADELINE: Neither have I actually. Nor am I a fan of Hot Topic.
OLIVER: You know what we should do?
OLIVER: We should be a team and go around and promote Duplicit!
OLIVER: I have some (takes out some Duplicit fliers) fliers we could use to promote Duplicit at these stores!
MADELINE: (Less than enthusiastic) Okay. Sure, yeah.
OLIVER: Great. Take half.
(Oliver hands Madeline half the fliers)
MADELINE: Thanks. Which store should we go into? Pac Sun?
OLIVER: No, there are too many insecure guys trying on fedoras in there. I'm interested to see what's in Off Topic.
MADELINE: Okay, sure. I could use a new hoodie.
(Oliver and Madeline walk into Off Topic to see an old man in the middle of the store sitting at a table with a moldy piece of bread on a plate in front of him. There's a portrait of President Gerald Ford behind him. On one side of the store there are displays cases filled with weapons and baby clothes and on the other side there are a variety of wind chimes)
OLD MAN: Welcome to Off Topic! Can I hurt you?
(Oliver and Madeline walk closer to the man)
MADLEINE: What is this place?
OLD MAN: We're Off Topic! Providing the most random selection west of the Mississippi!
OLIVER; We're North of the Missippi River.
OLD MAN: Corn dogs!
MADELINE: Do you even sell hoodies?
OLD MAN: No, but we have baby clothes and guns over there!
MADELINE: I think we're going to go.
OLIVER: Yeah. But check out Duplicit if you want.
(Oliver puts a flier on the old man's desk)
OLD MAN: Thank you, Mr. Speaker. I must say, your name is Tori Spelling and you smell like an old pair of loafers drying in the summer sun.
OLIVER: Let's go.
(Madeline and Oliver leave. Then, Judge McGlynn walks in)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Do you have the 2013 model wind chimes in yet?
(Cut to Madeline and Oliver outside Off Topic)
MADELINE: Jesus, let's try somewhere else.
OLIVER: But where?
MADELINE: How about Hot Topic? My brother works there, maybe he could help.
OLIVER: Awesome, let's do it.
(Madeline and Oliver walk into Hot Topic to see Ryan at the cash register talking with a customer while Michelle is standing near the door)
MICHELLE: Welcome to Hot Topic, we have great deals on-hey Madeline!
MADELINE: Hi Michelle!
CUSTOMER: So, I have a coupon for that shirt-
RYAN: Hold on one second. (Ryan walks over to Madeline, Oliver and Michelle while the customer throws his hands in the air) Hey Madeline, what's up?
MADELINE: Nothing, we're just carousing the mall. You guys have met Oliver.
RYAN: I have, but Michelle hasn't. Michelle, this is Oliver, my sister's boyfriend.
MICHELLE: Nice to meet you.
OLIVER: You as well.
MADELINE: So, Ryan still works here?
MICHELLE: Yeah, for some reason. But this is actually the first time he's showed up since after Thanksgiving.
OLIVER: Jesus Christ, how have you not been fired?
RYAN: I got an ally as my boss.
MICHELLE: And an enabler.
RYAN: Package deal. Anyway, what are you guys doing here? You guys seem more like American Eagles or Aeropostales.
OLIVER: We're here to promote Duplicit, my awesome website going up soon. It's a social backstabbing site.
MICHELLE: Hot Topic's on every social networking site ever, just like its customers. Give me those fliers!
RYAN: Wow, chill.
(Oliver hands Michelle the fliers)
MICHELLE: We will be sure to get on there immediately. What's your version of like?
OLIVER: Well Facebook didn't respond to my demand for a dislike button!
RYAN: Thanks guys.
OLIVER: You are welcome.
(Madeline and Oliver leave)
CUSTOMER: Um, could I get some service over here? I want to buy this (holds up a shirt reading "ZOMBIE EVOLUTION" and under that it shows silhouettes of a primate evolving from monkey to Neanderthal to caveman to upright human to zombie and then for some reason, a full-color picture of Hello Kitty immediately after the zombie and then under that it displays the words "Wait, what the fuck?", like this shirt, http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/TShirts/Graphic//Zombie+Evolution+T-Shirt-300811.jsp, except with those modificiations)
RYAN: Hold on a second, Jesus Christ…
MICHELLE: You're pushing your luck, Donahue.
(Michelle walks over to the customers and assists him while Ryan looks at Michelle wistfully. The camera closes in on Ryan as he looks at Michelle and he becomes increasingly uncomfortable)
RYAN: Ergh…(Ryan then starts breathing heavily and takes off his jacket and shirt) COULD SOMEONE GET ME WATER?
MICHELLE: Oh my God, is it happening again?
(Ryan runs into a dressing room where a man in his twenties is trying on a fedora)
MAN: AH! Get out!
RYAN: WE DON'T EVEN SELL FEDORAS HERE!
MAN: I snuck into this store because I was too embarrassed to try it on at Pac Sun.
RYAN: DO YOU HAVE WATER?
(The man hands Ryan a water bottle and he drinks it and walks over to a chair nearby Michelle and sits down in it as Michelle walks over to him)
MICHELLE: Hey, are you okay?
RYAN: NO! I'M JUST TRYING TO CALM MYSELF DOWN!
MICHELLE: You're going to be okay, you're not going to die, just calm yourself.
CUSTOMER: Um, is this going to take long?
MICHELLE: Just leave the money on the table!
CUSTOMER: I'm paying with a credit card.
MICHELLE: THE SHIRT WON'T LOOK GOOD ON YOU ANYWAY!
(The man storms out)
RYAN: AM I JUST GOING TO HAVE THESE NOW?
MICHELLE: No, it's just a phase. Just calm down.
RYAN: Okay….okay…alright, it's getting better…that was a lot shorter than last time.
MICHELLE: Yeah. Are you okay?
RYAN: Yeah, I'm still a little on edge but I'm fine.
MICHELLE: Okay, good.
RYAN: It's weird, I used to fake these all the time to get my way and now…it's really happening. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
MICHELLE: You really shouldn't call wolf like that.
RYAN: But he's my Xanax dealer!
(A guy with tattoos walks in)
WOLF: I got two Xanax bars for a Ryan Donahue?
RYAN: Hey, Wolf.
MICHELLE: Leave, Wolf.
WOLF: I came all the way here and-
MICHELLE: Is that the first time you've attempted to buy street Xanax?
MICHELLE: Don't buy street Xanax Ryan, get anti-anxiety medication from a real Doctor.
(Michelle starts massaging Ryan's shoulders)
MICHELLE: You're going to be fine, okay?
RYAN: Okay. By the way, I hold most of my tension in my dick.
MICHELLE: Alright, I'm done here.
(Michelle walks away)
RYAN: (Smiling) It was a joke! (Michelle laughs offscreen and throws the zombie Hello Kitty evolution shirt that the customer from earlier was trying to buy at Ryan. Cut to Ryan in his darkened room on his bed, looking at old pictures of him and Michelle on his iPhone. The first picture is the two of them holding each other outside the planetarium at night and the date is tagged as MAY 29 2012. He then flips to the next picture, which is of Ryan and Michelle in Adam's guest bedroom. They are both laying on the mattress and Michelle is drunk. Michelle is putting her tongue between her index and middle fingers, simulating cunnlingus while Ryan is making a fist near his mouth and poking his tongue against the right side of his mouth, simulating fellatio and the date is JUNE 8 2012) Why did we do that? That makes no sense.
(He flips to another picture, which is of Ryan and Michelle at Hansbay Town Center at night. Sarah is in the background, looking at them. The date is tagged as "AUG 11 2012". This causes Ryan to frown. He then puts away his phone and takes a Prozac without water. His phone goes off and he checks it to see it's a reminder reading "It's appointment time, faggot". He gets up and leaves his room. Cut to Ethan sitting outside an office, waiting for an interview. He is wearing a suit. Mordecai Lautenberg comes out of his office)
ETHAN: Yes sir.
(Ethan gets up and shakes Mordecai's hand. They both go into his office and Mordecai sits behind his desk and Ethan sits down on the chair in front of his desk)
MORDECAI: So, your resume indicates you worked at "The Sound of Music" from 1982 to 1983. Why did you leave that profession?
ETHAN: Well, I was seventeen and they had just changed their name from "The Sound of Music" to "Best Buy" and I was just…I couldn't work under those conditions, the original name was so much better-
MORDECAI: Mr. Donahue, do you really think I give a shit about some job you had when you were seventeen?
ETHAN: …I guess not.
MORDECAI: I care more about how you're the guy who followed my son and I to a synagogue four and a half months ago because you were trying to gather dirt to use against me in the election.
ETHAN: Yeah, I figured that might be a problem, but listen, I don't work for Mayor Sarandon anymore, we had a falling out.
MORDECAI: I lost the election! Alright? I lost the election to a drunken philanderer! Alright? You think Romney was bitter and miserable after his defeat, blaming blacks and women for it? I must've drunk two gallons of manischewitz, plus tip! And I was blaming Jews! I forgot that I am one! Alright? Do you have any idea how long I went without sex due to my election loss? Alright?
ETHAN: Stop saying "alright"!
MORDECAI: Get the hell out of my office then.
(Ethan gets up and leaves. Cut to Ethan being interviewed by Greg Shuster at the US Postal Office in Hansbay)
GREG SHUSTER: So, Mr. Donahue. I read your resume, very impressive. You worked as parliamentarian for the city council for five years?
ETHAN: Yes I did. It was mind numbing work. That is why I then managed Mayor Sarandon's 2000 campaign for Mayor and once he was elected, he made me his Chief of Staff, a position which I served in until 2012.
GREG: You include a letter of recommendation from someone you refer to as "the big guy" and "the big cheese" numerous times.
ETHAN: Yes, I think we both know who I'm talking about.
GREG: You also call him "the big guns" and "the man upstairs" and "the bouncer at the pearly gates".
ETHAN: Are you still talking about how many things I call God?
GREG: You can't claim you got a letter of recommendation from God Himself and then criticize me for talking about how you have way too many nicknames for Him.
ETHAN: Was the divine letter of recommendation a bit much?
ETHAN: But not a deal breaker!
GREG: Yes, a deal breaker.
(Cut to Ethan sitting in Michelle's office)
MICHELLE: …Okay, so I think we're done here.
MICHELLE: I have an appointment at Doctor Hammond's.
ETHAN: You don't have to lie.
MICHELLE: I'm not!
(Cut to Ethan being interviewed by the gun salesman in TDEP50 at the gun shop from said episode, except, they're in his office)
GUN SALESMAN: You have to be prepared to shoot federal regulators when they come down here to take away our guns.
ETHAN: I'm not prepared to do that.
GUN SALESMAN: You also have to be prepared to have trouble sleeping at night because you think about whether you sold a gun to someone who used it to commit a murder that you hear about news.
ETHAN: Yeah, I'm not prepared for that either, are there any gun stores nearby that are run by normal people?
GUN SALESMAN: There's a gay bar/gun store across the street called "Go Ahead, Make my Gay".
(Cut to Ethan sitting at a bar filled with gay men and surrounded by rifles, guns and assault weapons. An incessant beat is playing in the background. Ethan is sitting in front of a muscular gay man wearing a tight pink t-shirt and sunglasses with short hair)
GAY MAN: We love to bedazzle our guns around here- are you hard?
ETHAN: IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GUNS!
(Ethan storms off. Cut to Oliver and Madeline eating food at the mall food court)
OLIVER: I think we've promoted Duplicit pretty successfully so far.
MADELINE: I guess. Although I was weirded out by that one store that seemed to be straight out of a Series of Unfortunate Events book.
OLIVER: You mean the place where everyone was paid with coupons to move rocks from one side of the room to another for no conceivable reason?
MADELINE: Yeah! Why did they have a telegram in there?
OLIVER: I don't know. This mall is just fucked up. Hey, we have one more flier, do you want to give it to those people in that store over there?
(Oliver hands Madeline the flier and Madeline walks over to a store near the food court. The storefront has a banner that reads "STARA NSTITUTE HYPNOSIS" and two girls in red ties, one of them blonde and the other brunette, sit behind it a table inside the store. Madeline opens the door and goes into the store. The blonde girl is the same girl that hypnotized Ryan in TDEP46)
MADELINE: Hello there. I was just wondering if you were interested in my boyfriend's-
KELSEY: Woah, girl, you are very stressed.
MADELINE: I'm sorry?
BRUNETTE: Kelsey says you're stressed and I agree. Your entire body seems harried.
MADELINE: Are you calling me harry?
KELSEY: No, harried. As in, you've been through a lot and there's something stressing you out.
MADELINE: Well…my boyfriend is stressing me out a little bit. He's so focused on his business project that he can't allot any time for us to just hang out, it always has to be about his business.
KELSEY: Well don't worry about him, Melody and I can relieve all of your stress. Have a seat.
(Madeline pulls up a chair, sits down and closes her eyes)
KELSEY: If you enjoy our work, please take a moment to give this hypnosis session a thumbs-up. (Madeline gives the thumbs-up and then puts it down) Leave us a comment and tell us how relaxed you feel.
MADELINE: Do you think this is YouTube?
KELSEY: Shh. But yeah, subscribe and me to your favorites. Anyway, in a moment, you will feel very relaxed, drowsy and sleepy. Do not listen to me if you are driving or when operating heavy machinery. That's a little joke we have around here.
MELODY: Never gets old.
KELSEY: All you have to do is listen to the sound of my voice. And only my voice. At some point, you may lose track of what I am saying to you. That is perfectly okay. Just allow yourself to drift along and let hypnosis happen. (Madeline rests her head on the back of the chair, appearing to be very relaxed) Just listen quietly to the sound of my voice. Just allow yourself to be as lazy as you could ever want to be. (Madeline relaxes even more) Good. While you're sitting there in the chair, just be aware of where your arms are resting on the chair. Perhaps noticing the angle of your elbows. Maybe sensing the weight of your head against the chair. As you allow yourself to relax more and more-
(The camera closes in on a very relaxed Madeline as Kelsey's voice becomes distant and unintelligible. Cut to Ryan sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office. There is an old man next to him reading Highlights)
OLD MAN: (Speaking very close to Ryan's face) You know it used to be they didn't allow smut like this in magazines, sonny boy.
RYAN: You're so close to me right now. That's a Highlights magazine by the way.
(A nurse comes out of a room)
NURSE: Ryan Donahue?
RYAN: That'd be me!
(Ryan gets up and walks to a patient's room. He sits down in there and the nurse peaks her head in)
NURSE: He'll be in here, lickity-split!
(The nurse leaves. Ryan opens a nearby drawer and finds a bible there and picks it up, opens it and starts reading it)
RYAN: Time to read about stoning gays and owning slaves. Like this line. "Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Be not dismayed for I am thy God, I will strengthen thee". Okay, that's not really illustrative of the truth of my snark and wit. SNARK AND WIT! (He closes the bible and sets it down on the table) Ugh, why do they always take so long? Well, he might be assisting other people, to be fair.
(Cut to Doctor Hammond talking to one of the receptionists, who is playing a game on her phone)
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Can I play snood when you're done?
RECEPTIONIST: One second! Why don't you go see a patient while you wait?
DOCTOR HAMMOND: I'd rather just hover around you while I wait.
(Cut to a black screen with the text "TWENTY MINUTES LATER" and then cut to Ryan extremely bored in the room. Doctor Hammond comes in)
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Hello, Ryan.
RYAN: Hi, Doctor. (Quietly) I'm glad you took your time.
(Doctor Hammond sits down)
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Sorry?
RYAN: Nice to see you.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: You as well. How's your dad? I haven't seen him since that psychopath grabbed his balls in front of me and gave me a concussion.
RYAN: Yeah, he's fine. He quit that job though.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: I see. So I've heard you've had some anxiety there, Mr. Donahue.
RYAN: Yes, I had a panic attack two days ago and another one today.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: I see. And now what seems to be the problem?
RYAN: Well I've had a lot of bouts with anxiety and near-panic attacks recently and I am getting pretty sick of it. I just don't know what's bringing them on. The panic attack today was only the third real panic attack I've ever had.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: You've had fake panic attacks before?
RYAN: Yes, a lot of them.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: How many fake anxiety pills do you want exactly?
RYAN: Yes, I know, I shouldn't of done it-
DOCTOR HAMMOND: I'll order some anti-asshole medication for you.
RYAN: I get it! I just want to know how I can ride out the storm.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Well it's actually quite fascinating, your body has undergone considerable stress and therefore your nerves are screwed up and releasing adrenaline and causing you worry and rumination despite there being no cause for it. It's really pretty neat.
RYAN: Not really, anyway, I've had some face numbness and head heaviness since the panic attacks, what do you think that's about?
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Oh, that's-
RYAN: A STROKE?
DOCTOR HAMMOND: No, not even close.
RYAN: Asperberger's? Cancer? Racism?!
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Calm down, it's a natural manifestation of your stress after the panic attacks. It will go away eventually.
RYAN: (Laughs in relief) Thank God. What a relief. But isn't there anything we can do for the anxiety?
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Well, I could give you the name of some psychiatrists you could go to, but fuck it, I'll write you a prescription for Xanax.
(Doctor Hammond writes a prescription and hands it to Ryan)
RYAN: Thank you, sir!
DOCTOR HAMMOND: You're welcome! Now I have some Snood to play if that's okay with you.
(Doctor Hammond leaves the office. Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting in his office with Evan, Tatum and Conan standing nearby)
EVAN: Sire, have you decided on an intern? I mean, this really isn't an important position and you hired me out of spite, so…I have no idea why you're taking this decision so seriously.
CONAN: We might have to hire all of them just to keep them quiet about all the illegal questions you asked.
MAYOR SARANDON: None of these applicants have the gumption and prowess I'm looking for. And gumption and prowess is very important to me.
TATUM: They're internship applicants, sire! They'll be gone by March!
MAYOR SARANDON: Stop calling me sire first of all, secondly, I don't care if their interns or whatever is lower than an intern, I want someone who can get the job done effectively! Evan, do you even know why we need these interns?
EVAN: Why sir?
MAYOR SARANDON: Because YOU do not keep up with the housekeeping duties that Ethan kept up with when he was Chief of Staff.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah.
(Cut to Ethan outside his house under the hood of a car with a wrench. Kimberly comes outside to see him)
KIMBERLY: Ethan, what are you doing? It's 35 degrees out here!
ETHAN: I'm just tinkering, don't worry about it.
(A guy walks up)
GUY: Hey, how much for a muffler?
ETHAN: How much do you got? I mean, I'm just tinkering, sir, sorry.
KIMBERLY: Leave, please.
(The guy leaves)
KIMBERLY: Is the job search really that bad?
ETHAN: Ask a question that's not stupid.
KIMBERLY: I know it's tough out there, but you've got to chase after what you love.
ETHAN: …I love-
KIMBERLY: Can we continue this conversation inside? It's fucking freezing.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sitting down in the living room)
KIMBERLY: What were you saying?
ETHAN: Um, I'm not sure. It was-
KIMBERLY: I told you to chase after what you love.
ETHAN: Right, okay, um…and then I was about to say-
KIMBERLY: You said "I love" and then I cut you off.
ETHAN: Right, you cut me off. Okay, um…I love politics. I know that it corrupted me, but after my acquittal, I feel like I want to go back into it and make sure it doesn't corrupt me this time. I want to beat the system.
KIMBERLY: ...Who says it has to be before your acquittal? Which is a big question mark by the way.
ETHAN: I know.
KIMBERLY: I'm saying that if you think you could do it, go down and get it. Have Mayor Sarandon hire you for some position. You guys have been amicable lately since you decided not to backstab each other.
ETHAN: That's true. But we don't exactly sit in side by side bathtubs on the beach together.
KIMBERLY: Did you guys do that before?
ETHAN: We keep meaning to.
KIMBERLY: Look, if he says no then we'll figure something out, but I say go for it.
ETHAN: …Okay. I will. But you have got to promise me results.
KIMBERLY: I can't do that!
ETHAN: Damnit, you're right.
KIMBERLY: You should hurry by the way, I heard Ryan's friend Michael is applying for an internship at Mayor Sarandon's office, so if he hires and intern he might see less need to hire you.
ETHAN: Shit, I do need to hurry.
(Ethan kisses Kimberly and then leaves. Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting at his desk with Evan, Michael, Kirsten, Ross, Kyle, Leonard Donahue, Farmer John, Edna and Anhun)
MAYOR SARANDON: All of you are perfect candidates for this position. Unfortunately none of you are ideal candidates for this position.
MICHAEL: So we're perfect but not ideal?
MAYOR SARANDON: Now you're getting it.
MICHAEL: No, I still don't get it.
MAYOR SARANDON: Look, I need someone I can trust in this position. And all of you, with eight exceptions, are fine.
ANHUN: Are you not going to hire any of us?
MAYOR SARANDON: I've decided that none of you fit the standard I'm looking for in an intern.
ANHUN: WOW! Well, you know what?! I came here from WALES to get this internship and I had to deal with your insulting questions for twenty minutes, so in the words of John Boehner to Harry Reid, GO FU-("Shimmer" by Fuel starts playing and Anhun begins singing along to it) She calls me from the cold…just when I was low, feeling short of stable. All that she intends, and all she keeps inside isn't on the label…she says she's ashamed! Can she take it for a while? Can I be a friend? We'll forget the past, but maybe I'm not able…I'll break at the bend.
(The song continues playing)
MAYOR SARANDON: Boehner sang "Shimmer" to Harry Reid?
ANHUN: Where is that song coming from?
MAYOR SARANDON: Hold on. (Mayor Sarandon answers his phone and the song stops) Hello?
ETHAN: (On the phone) Brian, don't hire any of those brats, I'm on my way to get my job back!
MAYOR SARANDON: YES! (Mayor Sarandon hangs up his phone) Now I don't have to reluctantly hire any of you, because Ethan Donahue is coming back!
(Ethan comes in)
ETHAN: Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: Wait, you were right outside my building?
ETHAN: Dad! (Ethan and Leonard hug and then stop hugging) Dad, what are you doing here?
LEONARD: Lynn and I decided to move from Jackson to Burlington.
ETHAN: Why didn't you tell us?
LEONARD: I can't-(He pulls out his iPhone) figure out how to make calls on this darned thing!
ETHAN: You press the number pad and call my number.
LEONARD: Do you guys use our area code? I kept using 601.
ETHAN: That's the Jackson area code! Weren't you young when area codes started at least?
LEONARD: I still can't figure out the cotton gin.
ETHAN: Why would you need to? Also, why are you in Mayor Sarandon's office with all these internship applicants?
LEONARD: I'm applying myself. Seventy-seven's the new fifty-five.
ETHAN: That'd be still way too old to apply for an internship.
MAYOR SARANDON: It doesn't matter anyway because as of now, I am hiring Ethan Donahue as co-Chief of Staff for the Sarandon Mayorship, serving with Evan Alexander.
ETHAN: YES! Wait, I'm serving with Evan?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, as a team, you two will crush it.
EVAN: We once had an inter-familial war.
MAYOR SARANDON: Would you rather be replaced by Ethan?
EVAN: No sir.
MAYOR SARANDON: Good. So I suggest you two get along.
ETHAN: It's a living! Hey, you and I should do that bathtub thing.
MAYOR SARANDON: We totally should! How about this weekend?
ETHAN: Ugh, I have to grow a tree this weekend, how does March 2015 sound?
(Cut to a black screen)
KELSEY'S VOICE: You are now in deep, deep sleep. A slumber so deep that a spider could crawl into your mouth and you wouldn't even notice-it happens eight times a year anyway. (The eyelids of the shot open up to see Kelsey at the Hypnosis table) Welcome back. Feels good, doesn't it?
(Cut to a shot of Madeline just awake in that chair with Kelsey and Melody sitting in front of her)
MADELINE: Shit, how long was I out?
KELSEY: A good fifteen minutes.
MADELINE: You were just talking at me the entire time?
KELSEY: It's my job. It's comforting, isn't it?
MADELINE: Yeah, actually. Thank you.
KELSEY: You're welcome.
MADELINE: So…do you guys set up shop here?
KELSEY: No, we sell a lot of hypnosis videos, do a lot of shows, travel around promoting hypnosis, which is what we're doing right now and we also post hypnosis videos on YouTube, but our headquarters are in Providence.
MADELINE: You guys are in Rhode Island?
MADELINE: Well…do you mind if I…stop by your office sometime to see how you do everything?
KELSEY: Absolutely. (Kelsey hands Madeline a business card) Call us any time.
MADELINE: Thank you. So is it true that hypnosis can double as mind control?
MELODY: Of course not, that's a silly notion perpetuated by Hollywood.
MADELINE: Then what is that kid doing?
(Pan to a drooling teenager with relaxed eyelids holding hypnosis pamphlets and then pan back)
MELODY: He's on Xanax.
(Wolf comes in)
WOLF: Who ordered a pepperoni, cheese-crust Xanax?
WOLF: Fine, Jesus, women are so mean.
MADELINE: Wait, how did my boyfriend not come over if I was here for fifteen minutes?
(Madeline goes over to the window of the store and looks outside to see Oliver at the table talking on his phone and laughing, causing Madeline to sigh. Madeline walks over to Oliver)
OLIVER: What's that, Brandon? The site doesn't need an image board; I don't want the Justice Department to flag everybody who goes on it.
OLIVER: I don't know how they get there, it just happens!
OLIVER: Hold on a second, Brandon. (He puts the phone to his chest) Yeah?
MADELINE: Let's go.
OLIVER: Okay. Did you give them the information about Duplicit?
OLIVER: Great. (Oliver gets up and Madeline and him start walking away while Oliver gets back on the phone) Let's use people's dick pics in ads.
(Cut to Ryan at the pharmacy counter with a middle aged woman pharmacist there. Her nametag "Cheri, Valued Member since 2003")
RYAN: I have a prescription for Xanax I'm picking up.
RYAN: Ryan Donahue.
(Ryan hands her the prescription and Cheri looks at it)
CHERI: Can't read this.
(Cheri hands it back to Ryan)
RYAN: Do you say the least amount of words possible when communicating?
CHERI: Ten years. Tom Thumb Pharmacy counter. Just read it.
(Ryan looks at the prescription to see he drew a sunset and signed his name)
(Cut to Doctor Hammond talking to a man in a wheelchair in the patient's room)
DOCTOR HAMMOND: You see, now this is fascinating, your spinal cord has undergone such horrendous trauma that it has actually shut down the function of your legs, rendering them utterly useless due to the injury of the thoracic region of your spinal cord. And the kind of neat thing about it is that you'll likely experience what are called "phantom pains" in the area where you were injured because your nerves have been damaged so severely. It'll be pretty excruciating. Interesting though. Anyway, you can go.
(The patient is wheeled out while he cries and Ryan comes in holding the prescription)
RYAN: The fuck is this?
DOCTOR HAMMOND: It's a prescription.
RYAN: You didn't write Xanax, you drew a picture!
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Yeah, that's the Hopi Indian sign for Xanax, I'm a third Cherokee.
RYAN: There's no way the Indians had a sign for Xanax.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Fine, I'll write you a correct prescription.
(Doctor Hammond writes a new prescription and hands it to Ryan, who checks it)
RYAN: This checks out. Thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: You're welcome.
(Ryan walks away and walks out the front door of the building and into the parking lot. He looks over to see Michelle and Delaware making out in Michelle's car. Ryan appears incredibly flustered and bens over in stress. After several seconds of heavy breathing, he vomits on the ground. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan sitting in Mayor Sarandon's office. Mayor Sarandon is staring at Ethan as he sits in front of his desk)
MAYOR SARANDON: I need to know something, Ethan.
ETHAN: …What's that, sir?
MAYOR SARANDON: I need to know if you're going to be loyal to this Mayorship. Because we've had our fair share of betrayals.
ETHAN: That's true.
MAYOR SARANDON: On both sides.
MAYOR SARANDON: But we've already made our agreement concerning the trial. But when it comes to a professional and personal relationship there is no agreement.
ETHAN: What do you propose we do?
MAYOR SARANDON: You will not corrupt yourself or me in my upcoming fourth term.
ETHAN: Yes sir.
MAYOR SARANDON: If you ever intend to leave, you will give two months' notice.
ETHAN: Wow, that's-
MAYOR SARANDON: TWO MONTHS.
MAYOR SARANDON: Then it's settled. Welcome back aboard. (Mayor Sarandon and Ethan get up and shake hands) Hopefully we don't go to prison next week.
(The screen cuts to black)
DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF CHASE NUNEZ, 1994-2013