“TEMPEST IN A HASHPIPE”
“Said man while tempest, destroyed everything he owned, is that rain I hear?”
(We start with Ryan, Brennan and Sarah in a classroom working on classwork. Ryan is wearing a super skinny black jeans and a black “Damned Cuckold” shirt)
BRENNAN: So, then you darted off into the woods, holding the two kittens, screaming “Come with me you ‘neon cats’, we’re going to have a fun forest party”, it’s Nyan cat by the way, not “neon cat”, anyway, so you ran into the forest and we didn’t see or hear from you again for six hours.
RYAN: It was more like four hours.
BRENNAN: it wasn’t, but even if it was, that wouldn’t make it that better, because we found you passed out on a floatie in my pool with your dick out, and your hand firmly grasped around it and your shirt torn apart-
RYAN: (Sarcastically) Oh my god, my shirt was torn apart! Sound the alarms!
BRENNAN: Let me finish, you had huge scars on your chest, an animal or something must have ripped up your t-shirt badly, because you were bleeding.
RYAN: Well, you were the one who wanted to do ecstasy.
BRENNAN: No, you were the one. I wanted to play bingo with my little brother because I was taking care of him for the weekend while my parents were in New Hampshire, but you barged into my house already pretty fucked up on cough syrup, and demanded we do X or you were going to eat the kittens my parents had just bought for Jeff.
RYAN: Who the hell is Jeff?
BRENNAN: My little brother.
RYAN: Oh, well, you could’ve said no!
BRENNAN: I did say no. I said no in the most uncompromising of terms, but you took the X anyway, and you know the rest of the story from there.
RYAN: Yeah, I woke up in a hospital, and I was being treated for wolf scars.
RYAN: Well, lesson learned.
BRENNAN: What’s the lesson?
RYAN: Don’t fight wolves; they’re not nice to kittens.
BRENNAN: Or people. And they’re not nice to any small animal. Also, you should’ve learned not to do drugs, and not to endanger small animals, and not to masturbate in my dad’s pool.
RYAN: He wasn’t there, so, what’s the big ol’ deal?
BRENNAN: You have severe mental and emotional problems, that’s the big ol’ deal.
RYAN: I had just emerged from several days locked in my room because Michelle rejected me, okay? I was a little off the rails!
BRENNAN: All that does is reinforce what I just said!
(Principal Maxell comes in to see the kids and Mr. Jason, the math teacher. He is a young guy with short hair and a white polo)
MR. JASON: Hello, Principal Maxell.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Hello, Mr. Jason, listen, we need to evacuate this floor, there’s a tornado coming.
RYAN: We’re on the first floor.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Shit, you’re right, um, well you guys need to duck and cover, but not in here, because there are windows in here.
SARAH: We have a tornado?
MR. JASON: Alright everybody, get up and go, follow Principal Maxell.
(They all rise and funnel out the door, talking to each other)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Be quiet, kids.
BRENNAN: Why? Will the tornado hear us?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: No, we’d just rather not listen to how many followers on Twitter you have for half a second, is that okay?
RYAN: I can’t blame him.
(People continue to funnel into the hallway, many of which duck and cover on the walls. Ryan, Brennan and Sarah are escorted by Mr. Daniels into the computer lab, where they are forced to duck and cover under the desks. Ryan, Brennan and Sarah end up right near Jacob, Madeline and Ross. Jacob is wearing a VANS shirt, blue jeans and VANS shoes)
RYAN: Well, look who it is.
JACOB: Oh, god, I hear an orchestra of faggotry in the form of the voice of the lead singer of the Orchestra of Faggotry-
BRENNAN: We get it.
JACOB: There’s a concert playing at Hansbay High on April 20, 2012 at 1:50 PM.
BRENNAN: We get it!
(Ross and Jacob high five)
RYAN: I don’t get it. How is there a tornado coming? We almost never get tornados.
SARAH: And even when we do, they’re so weak they can barely make an inbred cry.
JACOB: Well, I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but the weather’s been a little crazy lately. We have earthquakes in Virginia and hurricanes on the east coast. Christ, pretty soon we’ll have typhoons in Louisiana!
RYAN: We do have typhoons in Louisiana.
(Jacob punches Ryan)
RYAN: (Holding his face) DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK!?
JACOB: I’m so sorry, Ryan, I got scared!
RYAN: OF WHAT?!
JACOB: You said typhoons were in Louisiana, it was a knee-jerk reaction.
RYAN: TYPHOONS AND HURRICANES ARE THE SAME THING, YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!
MR. JASON: Shh! Kids, the twister is coming.
JACOB: Shit, there’s a twister now?!
ROSS: Twisters are the same thing as tornados.
JACOB: Oh thank God.
RYAN: Wait a minute… (Pan up to see three windows in the room) Mr. Jason, there’s three windows in this room!
MR. JASON: Well, there’s not a lot of windowless rooms in this school, sorry!
BRENNAN: Look! (Pan down to a table below the windows, where there is a collection of numerous swords and throwing knives) Jesus, those will kill us for sure if the winds don’t!
MR. JASON: You kids like “Angry Birds” right? Just avoid the flying glass shards and weaponry by jumping from side to side.
JACOB: Not only is that a bad idea, but that’s not even how “Angry Birds” works!
RYAN: Why are we even here? Why do the teachers exert any control over us? It’s the fall of Rome, we can do whatever we want!
JACOB: Ryan’s right, let’s cause some chaos!
(Ryan stands up)
RYAN: HEY EVERYONE! TIRED OF STARING AT YOUR PENIS WAITING FOR IMMINENT DEATH? THEN LET’S BOOK IT LIKE LIBRARIANS OUT OF HERE!
(All the students, save for a few of the more well-behaved and obedient students rise from under the desks and run out of the room)
MR. JASON: HEY! GET BACK HERE! GODDAMNIT!
(As “Let’s Start a Riot” by Three Days Grace plays, we cut to a scene of Ryan, Jacob, Brennan, Sarah and Ross coaxing those in the duck and cover position in the hallways to join them. Most eventually do, and they overpower the teachers trying to stop them. Cut to two students setting a fire in a trash can. Then cut to Ryan hitting a water fountain with a mop as Brennan and Sarah watch. Cut to students crowding the hallways running. Then cut to numerous students knocking over tables in the cafeteria. Jacob takes his shirt off and climbs on top of one of the tables)
JACOB: THIS IS IN PROTEST OF THE WAR IN IRAQ!
RYAN: That’s over.
JACOB: Oh, okay, then, THIS IS IN PROTEST OF DON’T ASK DON’T TELL!
RYAN: Also over.
JACOB: FINE, I JUST WANT TO BREAK SHIT!
(Students cheer as the principal comes on the intercom)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL ON INTERCOM: Attention students, by rioting and causing trouble throughout the school, you are putting yourself at risk of being injured or killed by the tornado. That is why I am ordering all students to immediately-(crash sound) WHO THE FUCK JUST THREW A BRICK THROUGH MY WINDOW? (The students laugh) WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET A BRICK??! (He hangs up)
(Cut to Ethan in a suit in his office at the Mayor’s building working on his computer)
ETHAN: Oh yeah, baby. Give it to me. Give it. (He reaches down his pants) C’mon, don’t be shy, baby. (Cut to his computer screen, which shows Sarah Palin. Michelle Malkin, Anne Coulter and Congresswoman Kristi Noem (R-SD) in a photo shopped hot lesbian three-way) Please. (The phone rings, he answers) Hello?
KIMBERLY ON THE PHONE: Hey.
ETHAN: (Takes his hand out of his pants) Hey.
KIMBERLY: Did you hear about the tornado coming?
ETHAN: …No. I knew there were going to be storms, but I didn’t think about tornadoes.
KIMBERLY: Yep. A tornado’s barreling towards Hansbay.
ETHAN: It’s got to die down! Tornado’s seldom happen here!
KIMBERLY: Believe it.
ETHAN: I didn’t say I didn’t believe it, I said it’s got to die down.
KIMBERLY: Well, the point is, Hansbay High has gone on lock down, and the HOA council could take some precautionary measures, and I don’t know what you guys are doing.
ETHAN: Nothing yet. (Lightning sound) HOLY CRAP!
(Mayor Sarandon enters)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, we’re going on lock down.
ETHAN: Kimberly, I have to go, we’re going on lock down.
KIMBERLY: Bye, love you.
ETHAN: Love you, too.
MAYOR SARANDON: Love you too!
ETHAN: That was weird, bye.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, bye.
(They both hang up)
ETHAN: What the hell was that?
MAYOR SARANDON: I felt left out.
ETHAN: Hey, before we go on lock down, can I ask you something?
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, the building’s going belly-up in five minutes, so, what’s up?
ETHAN: Has Tim authorized that business trip I proposed?
MAYOR SARANDON: You mean to the Cayman Islands?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, you’ll have to talk to him. He has to fill out a couple SW-2 forms, contact the Financial Director for Hansbay’s Chamber of Commerce and Realty Specialization East Coast Division.
ETHAN: How do we have anything but an east coast division? We’re located on the East Coast.
MAYOR SARANDON: Naw, we’re thinking about making a chain. How good does a Hansbay, Wisconsin sound?
ETHAN: Sounds like it would be completely out of our jurisdiction.
MAYOR SARANDON: Incorrect. It would be completely out of our jurisprudence.
ETHAN: I don’t think you know what jurisprudence means.
MAYOR SARANDON: Why do you need a Cayman Islands business trip anyway?
MAYOR SARANDON: What?
ETHAN: Yeah, the mortality in this place is at an all-time low, people are desponsored.
MAYOR SARANDON: Mortality being at an all-time low is a good thing, are you trying to say morale?
ETHAN: You’re right, you’re right, morality! All-time low!
MAYOR SARANDON: Morality’s also different, listen, the Hansbay tax-payer shouldn’t have to foot the bill for your boondoggle.
ETHAN: Boondoggle? More like a poon doggle!
MAYOR SARANDON: That doesn’t convince me, now you’re saying you’re going to get some serious cooch while you’re there? Who are you, the secret service?
ETHAN: No, you’re coming with me, and you’re going to have sex with hot chicks in our hotel room while I watch, cry and masturbate! Therefore, I avoid the adultery!
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s sad. Why would I even want to-
(Winds start picking up)
ETHAN: This conversation isn’t over!
MAYOR SARANDON: Talk to Tim.
(They both leave the room. Cut to the HOA council meeting. President Evan gavels in while Kimberly’s coalition and Ellen’s coalition take their seats)
EVAN: The HOA board will come to order. The question is on the resolution to go into lock down all in favor say aye?
KIMBERLY’S COALITION: AYE!
EVAN: All opposed say no?
ELLEN’S COALITION: NO!
(Evan slams the gavel)
EVAN: Order, please. In the opinion of the chair, the ayes have it, the resolution is agreed to.
ELLEN: Mr. President?
ELLEN: Mr. President, I ask for a recorded vote.
(Lightning strikes and the power goes out as the women scream)
KIMBERLY: WHAT HAPPENED??
ELLEN: WE’RE DEAD!!
EVAN: CALM DOWN, NO WE’RE NOT!
KELLY: I FEEL SOMEONE TOUCHING MY TIT!
(The power comes back on to reveal Kelly is touching her own tit)
KELLY: Oh. I got needy.
KIMBERLY: For yourself?
KELLY: I don’t know.
EVAN: Listen, we need to go into lockdown without any of the parliamentary bullshit.
KIMBERLY: I second that motion by the esteemed President, and I offer a motion to recommit in the nature of a substitute to amend Title 18, HOA Code to-
(Everyone ducks under the desks. Cut to Kimberly and Karen under the desk)
KAREN: Hey, you smell like salted fish eggs.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, Ethan and I hosted a terrific party at our house over the weekend, complete with caviar, wines and divine succulence.
KAREN: With what money?
KIMBERLY: Our money.
KIMBERLY: Mostly our money.
KIMBERLY: HOA Fund money.
KAREN: Kimberly, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror when you get home to see what you’ve become.
KIMBERLY: What I’ve become?
KAREN: Yeah! You used to be a whiny aggrieved liberal trying to reform some of the anti-homeless policies this HOA has adopted, and the other day you refused to give a homeless man money because he smelled like salted fish eggs.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, turns out that was me.
KAREN: You’ve become the corrupt conservative you were fighting against! You have to stop this, or you’ll get arrested for theft.
KIMBERLY: It’s not illegal.
KAREN: Yes it is, you’re stealing.
KIMBERLY: I’m not stealing per se; I’m just taking something that isn’t…mine. Shit.
KIMBERLY: I feel like what would happen if Sarah Palin. Michelle Malkin, Anne Coulter and Congresswoman Kristi Noem had a baby together.
(Cut to Ryan, Jacob, Brennan, Ross, Sarah and Beckett outside the cafeteria serving area with the big metal doors. Beckett is attempting to lift them)
JACOB: Lift with your legs, not your back.
RYAN: No, you idiot, lift with your arms!
JACOB: You know that’s not what I meant.
BECKETT: Please, calm down, I have this.
(Beckett, with great sounds of struggle, lifts the door to reveal the dark serving room. He turns around and pants)
JACOB: Are you okay?
BECKETT: I’m fine. Is it normal to feel like a ligament was torn in your leg?
RYAN: I TOLD YOU!
ROSS: Should’ve lifted with your arms!
JACOB: He was! We all saw him!
BRENNAN: It looked like he was lifting with his arms, but all the work was being done in the legs, trust us.
SARAH: Because you lost, Jakey!
JACOB: Don’t call me Jake or Jakey, and how did I lose just because you all decided to gang up on me?
RYAN: Enough talk! Let’s head inside.
(They all enter the dark serving room, shutting the door behind them, leaving themselves in pitch blackness)
ROSS: It’s dark.
(Everybody takes out their phones to make it lighter)
BRENNAN: Still not good enough.
(Sarah finds the light switch and turns it on)
JACOB: Hell yeah, it’s perfect. Because guess what day it is?
(They all sit down on the floor)
RYAN: Uh, it’s April 20, 2012, why?
JACOB: And what makes this day different from all other days?
RYAN: Um, I don’t know, Passover is done with, so I guess…Adolf Hitler’s 123rd birthday?
JACOB: No, something else…c’mon, hurry up, I’m really excited!
RYAN: 13th anniversary of Columbine?
JACOB: Why would I be excited for that? C’mon man, this is so easy!
RYAN: Kony day?
RYAN: The awareness day for the Ugandan war lord Invisible Children tried to organize?
JACOB: Oh, yeah, he’s like Zach Braff, he never really went anywhere. I’m giving you one more guess.
RYAN: The 709th anniversary of the founding of the University of Rome La Sapienza by Pope Boniface VIII?
JACOB: How do you know that? Ugh, listen, it’s 420 smoke weed day, alright? And we’re going to blaze up a fat joint that will make your eyes glassier than Michelle’s bedroom window.
JACOB: You’re going to be so baked, bro!
RYAN: We’re going to smoke cannabis sativa?
JACOB: Hell yeah. We’re going to smoke out some Mary J. Blige, bitch!
RYAN: That’s not the term, and dude, I’ve never smoked weed before.
BRENNAN: Neither have I.
SARAH: Nor me.
JACOB: What? Are you serious? You do ecstasy, you drink cough syrup, but you’ve never gotten rip-roaringly fried?
RYAN: Listen, you know how they call pot a gateway drug? Well, emos jump the gate and go straight to the pill shrubbery on the other side.
RYAN: Because certain cliques have certain drugs they do! Jocks like to drink, nerds like to think, gays like to smoke that long cock silver as long as it’s pink.
BECKETT: So, racist gays?
RYAN: Yeah. It’s a surprisingly large sub culture in the gay community.
(Four teens with straightened blonde hair, earrings and skinny jeans come in wearing rainbow t-shirts with swastikas and/or burning crosses on them)
GAY TEEN 1: (Very feminine voice) Uggh, John, let’s go, there’s a fucking nigger in here.
JOHN: Not to mention all the spic food they’re serving in this cafeteria, Lance.
LANCE: Ugh, I saw a chink girl with the same toe nail polish as me a few days ago; I nearly threw up on my white sheet, Alex.
ALEX: Oh my god, I know! It’s disgusting Connor, like, I’m glad that gay marriage is legal in Vermont, but I saw a white guy and a fucking coon who were married the other day!
CONNOR: That guy has no business marrying a jigaboo.
ALEX: Yeah, especially with the ugly outfit he had on!
ROSS: You people are ignorant.
JOHN: Boy? Are you talking to me?
ROSS: Don’t call me boy, you racist faggots.
CONNOR: Wow, we have a homophobe over here!
LANCE: Wie auch immer, dieser Ort ist mit homophoben Juden und Nigger gefüllt. Heil Hitler, Lady Gaga und Dahvie Vanity.
(SUBTITLES: Whatever, this place is filled with homophobic Jews and niggers. Hail Hitler, Lady Gaga and Dahvie Vanity)
ROSS: Du Hurensohn!
(Ross tackles Lance and the other three try slapping him while he’s doing it. Jacob, Ryan and Brennan pull Ross off of Lance)
JACOB: JUST LET THESE RACIST ASS PIRATES GO, MAN!
RYAN: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM; THEY’RE IGNORANT RACIST SHIT STABBERS!
(The racist gays run out of the room with girlie screams of “white power” and “Hail Hitler”)
ROSS: God, those gay bigots get under my skin.
JACOB: Just mellow out man and toke some smoke.
(They sit back down again)
ROSS: Dude, I told you, I don’t smoke pot. Never have and I never will.
BECKETT: I don’t get what’s wrong with you, man.
ROSS: I like to be sober?
BECKETT: Nobody in their right mind likes to be sober.
ROSS: But, people who are high are by definition not in their right mind.
BECKETT: Well…shut-I don’t know man, let’s polish this hat.
SARAH: That made no sense.
BECKETT: Do you have the sticky?
JACOB: Yes I do.
(He takes out a baggie of marijuana and they place it into a pipe. Beckett lights the pipe, inhales, and then exhales as the camera pans upward. Cut to Ethan under a table with Tim, the guy in charge of approving business trips)
ETHAN: So, Tim. Mind if I call you Tim?
TIM: What else would you call me?
ETHAN: I don’t know, maybe Timothy. (Chuckles)
TIM: Tim’s fine.
ETHAN: Great, listen, I have a business trip to the Cayman Islands proposal on your desk, and I would love to discuss it with you.
TIM: Right now? There’s a tornado the size of Nevada coming our way and you’re concerned about some business trip proposal? I’m texting my family and telling them I love them.
ETHAN: Dude, calm down, we live in Vermont, tornadoes are rare and almost never deadly.
TIM: Yeah, but I come from Maine, we never have tornadoes there.
ETHAN: Yeah, all you have is…(Ethan takes out his iPhone)…
ETHAN: All you have is 13.5% water.
TIM: Congratulations, you have Wikipedia.
ETHAN: Listen, man, I need this business trip, I could drum up some important business!
TIM: You work for the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont! What possible importance could the Cayman Islands have to your job?
ETHAN: We have to boost moral!
TIM: You mean morale?
TIM: Listen, morale is fine around here. I saw Dan photocopying his taint the other day.
ETHAN: How is that even possible?
TIM: It was impressive.
ETHAN: It sounds to me that discipline is shockingly low then, because I can’t imagine how Mayor Sarandon would react if he heard of such shenanigans.
TIM: How exactly would a boondoggle to the Cayman Islands make us more disciplined?
ETHAN: First of all, it’s a poon doggle.
ETHAN: Second of all, couldn’t we all use a little fun?
TIM: It sounds like you’ve abandoned the discipline argument completely.
ETHAN: That’s correct.
TIM: Listen man, I don’t think that’s a good use of Hansbay tax money.
ETHAN: You can come.
TIM: I’m in.
(Mayor Sarandon pokes his head in under the table)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hello, boys. A little birdie told me that you two are going on a cooch doggle to the puke-onos.
ETHAN: Okay, it’s poon doggle and puke has nothing to do with sex, so that pun made no sense. Also, we’re going to the Cayman Islands, not the Poconos.
MAYOR SARANDON: Are you sure puke has nothing to do with sex?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m going with you, guys.
ETHAN: I know. I already said you were like ten minutes ago.
MAYOR SARANDON: AHH!
TIM: Calm down, sir.
MAYOR SARANDON: I was born during a storm, boys.
(Cut to Kimberly sleeping under the desk, using her purse as a pillow. One, solitary check falls from the purse. Ellen notices this, and enters stage right on her knees. She picks it up and gasps quietly. She then crawls away. Cut to Ross, Brennan, Sarah, Ryan, Beckett and Jacob in the cafeteria, all high, except for Ross)
RYAN: What the hell is going on…my legs feel weird.
JACOB: That happens. Dude…does anybody have the Wizard of Oz and a Pink Floyd “Dark Side of the Moon” album?
ROSS: How would someone just have that?
(Brennan starts laughing profusely)
RYAN: What are you laughing at?
BRENNAN: I DON’T KNOW! (Keeps laughing) AM I GONNA DIE?
RYAN: Why would you be laughing if that was the case?
JACOB: Dude, I’m hungry.
RYAN: So am I, but we’re surrounded by cafeteria food.
JACOB: Yeah, but everything tastes good when you’re high. Cat food included.
JACOB: Nothing, are you a cop?
(A cafeteria worker with long hair and muscles comes from the back wearing an apron and wielding a pan)
CAFETERIA WORKER: YOU FUCKERS GETTING HIGH IN HERE??
(They all stand up)
ROSS: I’m not!
(Jacob punches Ross in the shoulder)
JACOB: And neither are we!
CAFETERIA WORKER: I see pot right there, you can’t fool me!
CAFETERIA WORKER: I’M GOING TO CUT YOUR DICKS OFF AND BOIL THEM IN HOG FAT!
RYAN: Isn’t that a MAD MEN quote?
CAFETERIA WORKER: Oh, YOU just made it to the top of my piss list. I’M GOING TO BOIL YOU GUYS IN HOG FAT! That way, I don’t plagiarize MAD MEN.
ROSS: THANKS, RYAN!
BRENNAN: Dude, are you fucking insane? DON’T KILL US!
CAFETERIA WORKER: THE SCHOOL’S IN CHAOS! I have to make an example out of somebody!
SARAH: The school’s not in that much chaos!
INTERCOM: (Singing) Shut up and put your money where your mouth is, that’s what you get for-(continues on as the following exchange occurs)
ROSS: So someone’s singing Katy Perry on the announcements!
CAFETERIA WORKER: I’M GONNA BOIL THE SEVEN OF YOU ALIVE!!!
UNKNOWN VOICE: NOT SO FAST!
(Pan to reveal the racist gays)
LANCE: Don’t touch the sexy white bodies here, you goddamn wop.
CAFETERIA WORKER: WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO?
ALEX: What do you think, Giovanni? We’re going to fight dago with dago.
(Alex whips out a switch blade and throws it at Giovanni, who catches it in the stomach)
GIOVANNI: GODDAMNIT! FINE! JUST GET THESE STONER ASSHOLES OUT OF HERE! ARGGGH!
(He falls to the ground, writhing in pain as the seven of them walk over to the racist gays)
CONNOR: Giovanni, can you keep the jungle bunny?
(Jacob punches Connor in the mouth)
CONNOR: UGH! Fine, we’ll bring it.
(Connor pries open the door and they leave. Cut to the cafeteria, where they are. Posters are ripped off walls, there is food everywhere, there are several people passed out, there are scorch marks in various places, bras thrown every which way and it’s just generally messy)
RYAN: My God.
(A student with a baton being chased by Principal Maxell comes in, making various “WOO HOOH” noises along the way)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: C’MERE, SHITHEAD!
STUDENT: Not a chance!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I’M SICK OF THE GAMES, LOGAN!
LOGAN: Are ya?
(Logan jumps on a table, as does Principal Maxell, Maxell rushes Logan but Logan whacks him in the head, and it’s lights out for him as he falls on the table)
(The seven of them, plus the racist gays rush over to make sure he’s okay)
BECKETT: What the hell is wrong with you, man? You could’ve killed him!
LOGAN: THAT’S THE POINT BROSKI!
BECKETT: Don’t call me that, just, call an ambulance!
RYAN: Why would you want to hurt him?!
LOGAN: It’s the fall of Rome, man!
RYAN: It’s not, we’re locked in during a tornado warning, what time is it, anyway?
(Jacob checks the time on his phone)
JACOB: It’s 4:15.
RYAN: Wow. When s this tornado even coming?
(Dramatic music plays, and then there’s several seconds of silence)
BECKETT: Uh, (Checks his phone) Yeah, they called off the tornado warning. Apparently now it’s a major thunderstorm.
BRENNAN: So why’d you say it like it was a bad thing?
BECKETT: I don’t know, listen, we have to do something about Principal Maxell.
RYAN: Just give him an Advil and he’ll wake up eventually.
BECKETT: I think he’s concussed.
LOGAN: IT DOESN’T MATTER, MAN! Since you guys were in there, the school has denigrated to anarchy! Anything goes, bitches! You can wear a hat!
SARAH: Or knock out the principal?
LOGAN: Yeah, that too.
SARAH: You’re going to jail, you know that right? How hasn’t anybody called the police?
LOGAN: No communications, emo bitch. This place has been disconnected. BEEEEEEEP….that’s a dial tone.
SARAH: Yeah, I get it; don’t call me an emo bitch.
LOGAN: Sorry. You know, you are beautiful. Legs like those of a princess, you’re my princess, I want to wash myself with your breath.
SARAH: Okay, don’t be creepy either!
ROSS: And get down from the table!
(Logan jumps down as a bunch of students wearing zoot suits and fedoras enter, talking loudly)
ZOOT SUIT 1: So then I said, OOPSIE DAISY, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ON THEIR PERIOD!
(All the zoot suit kids except for one start cracking up and high-fiving)
ZOOT SUIT 2: You know, you didn’t give us any frame of reference for that story; you just started talking when we came in here.
ZOOT SUIT 1: Shut up, Daniel.
(They walk over to the seven of them, the racist gays, Principal Maxell and Logan)
ZOOT SUIT 1: Well, look what we have here. Stoners, emos, principals, gays and a psychopath.
LOGAN: IS THAT ME?
RYAN: What are doing here, Lamar? Where’d you even get those zoot suits?
LAMAR: Max found that the Principal had a closet full of them, it was weird. Fedoras were there too, so we decided to make a 20s-style gang during this new found anarchy.
JACOB: Yeah, I don’t know how long that’s going to last, considering the tornado warning’s over.
MAX: What? But we just bug bombed the bathroom and planted bees in some emo kid’s locker.
RYAN: Which emo kid?
LAMAR: So you’re telling me we could all get arrested soon?
JOHN: You did realize the tornado was going to end eventually right?
RYAN: Which emo kid?
DANIEL: Yeah, but we thought we’d be dead by then! Sue us!
ROSS: You might actually get sued.
(A cop car runs through the glass windows at the far side of the cafeteria, causing the seventeen students in there to scream and duck. Chief Warren stumbles out of the car, with his gun drawn)
CHIEF WARREN: You lightweights better get out of there! I’m not afraid to waste a kid Zimmerman-style!
(Logan jumps on the table and screams, which provokes Chief Warren to shoot him in the leg, causing him to fall to the ground)
(Jacob, Ross and Lamar come to his assistance, blocking the flow of blood. Meanwhile, the other fourteen kids look on as Chief Warren rushes over there)
CHIEF WARREN: So sorry!
LAMAR: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?!
CHIEF WARREN: The kid was crazy, I could see it in his fucking eyes.
BRENNAN: I can’t blame him there.
LAMAR: I CAN!
RYAN: Which emo kid?
(Cut to an assembly on Monday, April 23, 2012 in the Hansbay high gym. All students are in the bleachers watching as Principal Maxell, with a bandage on his head, is on stage with Logan, who is on crutches. Principal Maxell is at the podium)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Logan has been very brave in recovering from his injuries. And although I don’t exactly remember what happened to me, so am I. But just a side note, never pull any of that anarchy crap again, ya hear?
(They all mumble “Yes, sir” in unison)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Good. Now who wants to hear from a fake bullying victim?
(They all cheer. Cut to Ethan shaking hands with Tim in his office)
VOICEOVER: Will Ethan have fun on his Cayman Islands poon doggle? (Cut to Kimberly speaking to the members of the HOA council) Will Kimberly’s corruption be revealed by Ellen? (Cut to Ryan doing the combination to his locker) Will Ryan get a face full of bees? (He opens the locker, and bees stream, causing him to run away with bees chasing him) The answer to the last one is yes. But for the answers to the other two questions, you’ll find them on the next episode of…THE DONAHUES!
(Fade to black)