“The animal garden is now a murder-hole. Language was always the Labyrinth. Civilization is striving, spurning, starving, burning, mass graves and marble tombs, wonderful wine and no-one to drink it with”
(We start with Ryan singing in the Alexander’s garage while Scott drums behind him)
RYAN: (Singing) PALLID FACE! SPRAYED WITH MACE! INSANITY RACE! KEEP YOUR PACE! I am on a merry-go-round to Hell and I’m waiting…FOR MOMMY TO TAKE ME OFF! Don’t pay the man, mommy! He has a cleft lip! Jesus Christ mommy, don’t give him a tip! DON’T TRUST THE MAN WITH THE NAMETAG THAT SAYS “CHIP”! HE’S NOT A GRADUATE STUDENT, HE’S A DEMONIC CRIIIIP! (Stops singing) Goddamnit, where’s Oleander?
SCOTT: Last time I checked he was in the bathroom tub.
RYAN: He’s taking a bath?
SCOTT: No, there’s no water and he has his clothes on, he just went in there with a paper bag.
RYAN: Dude, he’s in your tub huffing paint!
SCOTT: I thought he might be, I wasn’t sure though.
RYAN: You thought he might be, but you figured, “fuck it”?
SCOTT: I didn’t want to jump to conclusions.
RYAN: Yeah, maybe he just packed lunch and decided to eat it in the bathroom.
SCOTT: The bag did smell like paint.
RYAN: Oh my God. (Ryan and Scott walk into the house and go to the bathroom door. Ryan knocks on it) Buddy? What are you doing in there?
OLEANDER: (From the bathroom) NOTHING!
SCOTT: Okay, I’m going in. (Scott opens up the bathroom to see Oleander in the tub with a paper bag. He has paint around his nose) Wow, Oleander, what the fuck?
OLEANDER: I’m not huffing, I’m having Burger King!
(He takes a burger out of the bag, covered in spray paint)
RYAN: Wow, definitely don’t eat that, it’s covered in spray paint. And probably horse meat. Plus, Burger King is arguably worse for you than huffing paint. Listen, our meeting with the talent appraisers is tomorrow!
(Scott starts clapping repeatedly)
SCOTT: We open in two weeks, people! Places, people, places!
RYAN: Stop using theatre clichés!
(Scott stops clapping)
SCOTT: Sorry. But yeah, we do need to get our shit together for the judges.
RYAN: They’re not judges, they’re just talent appraisers.
SCOTT: They’re judges! If we don’t do well some British prick in a black V-Neck is going to admonish us.
RYAN: You’re putting too much pressure on yourself, we’ll be fine! We’ll just be ourselves!
SCOTT: Look at one of us!
(Cut to Oleander huffing the bag)
RYAN: Olly, at least use a spoon!
SCOTT: You can’t scoop paint!
(Cut to Kimberly sitting in someone’s office. A man in a suit is sitting behind a desk, looking at some papers)
MAN: These prices are not as low as I’d like them to be.
KIMBERLY: I’m sorry you feel that way, but our customer service is exemplary, all the other big chains have a bunch of clock-watchers in a room, spilling coffee on their shirts and talking to each other at the water coolers ignoring your calls, but my operation solely consists of me, so I can take your call anytime.
MAN: Your pitch is that you have less customer service reps than the competition?
KIMBERLY: Yes, because we higgidy-heart our customers. Trademark.
MAN: Don’t trademark that, that’s really bad.
KIMBERLY: Sir, we’re just a scrappy upstarts pursuing the American Dream, give us a chance to wow you.
MAN: I’m not looking for some empty sanctimony, I’m looking for savings. I’m sorry, but I’ll have to go with Grisham.
KIMBERLY: Grisham? Do you really think they’ll have the time of day for you?
MAN: Yes, because they have thousands of employees! One of them is bound to be available! As for you, if you have one Lifetime Original Movie to watch, you’ll leave me by the wayside.
KIMBERLY: I guarantee I will never!
MAN: I’m sorry, you’re not tenable. Thank you for your time.
KIMBERLY: Okay. I’m beginning to infer that you may not be interested.
MAN: I’m not interested.
KIMBERLY: I’m beginning to infer it a little more.
MAN: Get out.
(Kimberly gets up, takes her papers and leaves. Cut to Oliver, Kyle and Madeline sitting in Madeline’s apartment while one laptop has Brandon on Skype, another laptop has Kimberly on Skype and another one has Ryan on Skype. Oliver and Kyle are wearing suits, as is Brandon)
KYLE: So, Ryan, Kimberly, you owe us money.
OLIVER: Straight cashe. You paid for the first couple of weeks for us to advertise your business and your band on Duplicit, but we’re going to have to pull the ads if you can’t pay the peeper for the last couple of weeks.
KIMBERLY: I’m sorry, but my company’s not turning a profit.
RYAN: Yeah, and the only thing my band is turning is nostrils blue.
KYLE: Is Nostrils Blue a song name?
RYAN: It fuckin’ should be.
KYLE: Well listen, as the money manager, I can say that your guys’ ventures have no place on Duplicit if you can’t pay us.
RYAN: Wasn’t our deal originally that you would advertise Depraved Hallway Fern if we promoted Duplicit at our shows?
OLIVER: Yes, and then we realized that was retarded and started demanding money from you. You paid for one week. It’s time to quickly cut the cord like an umbilical cord.
KYLE: You’re not supposed to cut umbilical cords quickly.
RYAN: Fine! We don’t need you anyway, we’re going to talent appraisers tomorrow, we’re going to blow their noses! (Pause) Off! Bye forever!
KIMBERLY: God speed, prodigies.
BRANDON: Well, those are two revenue streams gone.
OLIVER: Those streams haven’t been streaming in a couple weeks anyhow, we’ll be fine. Kyle, are you running the numbers?
KYLE: Yes and my feeling is we need more advertising.
KYLE: Yes, we need to pay non-social media websites to advertise the site, we need to spread spam and flashy banner ads and make sure that we get our message out there, otherwise Facebook will surpass us.
OLIVER: We’re nowhere near class to Facebook and we definitely haven’t surpassed them, they have a billion users.
KYLE: You’re using hyperbole, but yeah, they have a lot of users.
OLIVER: No, literally, they have a BILLION users. One out of every seven people on Earth has a Facebook.
KYLE: And eventually eight out of every seven people on Earth and the moon will have a Duplicit! Move out of the way Facebook, there’s a new sheriff in town! And he’s bangin’ the perty female barkeep at the Saloon, who I guess in this metaphor would be…Burger King?
BRANDON: Yeah, they advertise on our site.
KYLE: Exactly and that’s where we’re going to get the money to spread the word around.
OLIVER: We should already have a bunch of users, we’ve been around for two and a half months.
KYLE: When was Facebook founded?
OLIVER: …February 2004.
KYLE: When did you get a Facebook?
OLIVER: May 2006.
KYLE: Exactly. It just takes time.
BRANDON: Just for the record, I still don’t have a Facebook.
OLIVER: What, really?
BRANDON: Yeah. I don’t even have a Duplicit and I designed the website.
KYLE: Get on Duplicit, Brandon. I swear, it’ll change your life!
BRANDON: That’s what they said about flip phones. (He takes out a flip phone) They LIED!
OLIVER: What’s wrong with it? Besides the fact that it’s old?
BRANDON: It gets cold when you don’t charge it.
OLIVER: Oh my God, anyway, Kyle, if we’re going to spend more money we need more revenue, call our sponsors and ask if they’d be willing to increase the ads and pay us more.
KYLE: Absolutely. I’ll call Burger King, Jack Reed 2014, The Postal Service, The Boy Scouts, Schultz-Farenthold legal firm, Hansbay Tourism, Bernie’s Grinders, Hot Topic, Off Topic and the Stara Institute.
MADELINE: Wait, the Stara Institute is one of your sponsors now?
OLIVER: Yeah, I managed to cajole them into it when I saw them at the mall a few weeks ago.
MADELINE: That’s great, I might work there someday.
OLIVER: That is great. I just hope it’s not a conflict of interest.
MADELINE: Why would it be a conflict of interest?
BRANDON: Because we’re not interested! (Brandon smiles) Am I the only one?
OLIVER: Shut up, Brandon. Anyway, Kyle, call those places.
KYLE: I will. You can totally trust me. (Cut to Kyle outside the apartment building on his phone in the snow) He totally can’t trust me. Hello, Burger King? We need more cash money for your ads on duplicit.
BURGER KING EXEC: (On the phone) Could you say that again?
KYLE: Oh, you couldn’t hear me? Maybe you’ll understand this. (Kyle makes a horse noise. Cut to Kyle talking on the phone in his car) Hey Postal Service, I know you’re kind of strapped for cash considering your business model is antiquated and unprofitable, but if you get enough money from your lawsuit against Armstrong, would you mind sending about a hundred and fifty thousand bones of it our way? On a Saturday, preferably? (Cut to Kyle talking on the phone outside a dumpster) Hey, the Boy Scouts. I know everyone’s pulling their donations since you won’t let the faggots in, but we need some more cash money to post your ads up. Also, could we include a half-naked Calvin Klein model in the ads to um, (clears throat) increase membership? (Cut to Kyle talking on the phone while sitting in the backseat of his car) Schultz-Farenthold law firm? Hi, we need more cash for your ads on Duplicit, and we know you can provide you greedy Jew and you greedy…I want to say, Polish? (Cut to Kyle in the passenger seat of his car talking on the phone) Stara Institute Hypnosis? Yeah, we need more money to post your ads up. Listen calmly to the sound of my voice, at a certain point you’ll forger what I’ saying to you…but what I am saying to you is PAY UP, BITCH! HA! (He hangs up) They all said no. Mission accomplished. (Cut to Kyle talking to Oliver and Madeline in the dorm) They all said YES! Mission accomplished.
(Oliver stands up)
OLIVER: That’s incredible! We can spend like crazy now!
KYLE: Yeah we can!
(Oliver and Kyle hug)
(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in Ryan’s bedroom, standing)
RYAN: Okay, the key problem with your appearance is…how you appear.
SCOTT: You appear like a homeless person.
RYAN: Right. Our job is to change you from home-LESS to home-LY!
SCOTT: Look up the word homely, Ryan.
RYAN: Oh God, is it some vagina fungus?
SCOTT: God no, it’s not that bad, homely means ugly, listen; we’re going to turn you from homeless to presentable. First off, you have rips all the way down your jeans.
RYAN: This is fine, to an extent.
SCOTT: There’s a clearly defined line rip-wise between “cool” and “you look like you can’t afford a polka-dotted nap sack and a stick”.
RYAN: You’ve crossed that line by two holes.
SCOTT: Just two.
OLEANDER: Okay, so patch me up.
RYAN: We would, but Asians.
(Cut to an Asian woman stitching up one of Oleander’s jean holes in a clothing repair shop while Ryan and Scott hold his arms and Oleander rests his head on a pillow between Ryan and Scott. There is a gag in Oleander’s mouth)
OLEANDER: (Muffled) URGGGHHH!!! THIS IS FUCKING EXCRUCIATING!!!!
RYAN: This isn’t eighteenth century surgery, just calm down!
SCOTT: Although it is weird that she’s doing these repairs while he’s still wearing the pants.
ASIAN WOMAN: (Thick Asian accent) If you wanna do it with pants off, two dolla extra!
(Cut to the Asian woman sowing the hole in Oleander’s jeans in an arm chair while a pantsless, underwearless Oleander stands next to Ryan and Scott)
OLEANDER: Problem solved!
SCOTT: Not really, can we have his underwear?
ASIAN WOMAN: It full of holes too!
SCOTT: GIVE IT TO US!
(Cut to Ryan driving his Toyota with Scott in the passenger seat and Oleander in the backseat, wearing only a shirt, beanie and underwear. He’s also eating a chocolate bar)
OLEANDER: Alright, so that’s one thing down.
RYAN: You really should’ve brought an extra pair of pants.
SCOTT: Especially since it’s thirty-four degrees and snowing out.
OLEANDER: I can’t feel my legs, but I feel alive!
SCOTT: Great, let’s get back to my house before you develop hypothermia. (Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in the garage. Oleander is wearing sweatpants now) You can wear those until we pick up your other pants.
OLEANDER: These are comfortable.
RYAN: Right, so let’s practice a song. Get your guitar. (Oleander picks up his guitar, Ryan goes to the microphone and Scott gets behind the drums) Let’s play the last part of “Proof of Purchase”.
SCOTT: Okay, here we go.
RYAN: (Singing, as Scott plays drums and Oleander plays guitar) I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU’RE MY BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it’s trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! WE’RE GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO! I AM, WHAT WOULD YOU CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR KINDLY SOUL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it’s trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy!
(The music stops)
SCOTT: That wasn’t bad.
RYAN: It wasn’t bad, but the tempo could’ve been better, let’s try again.
OLEANDER: One, two, three, four!
RYAN: (Singing, as Scott plays drum and Oleander plays guitar) I SEE YOU!
(Cut to Kimberly watching TV, looking depressed. Cut to the TV. She is watching The Bachelor. There are five men lined up in tuxedos and a woman in a dress with a rose)
WOMAN: Only four of you will be going to the next round. All of you are extremely attractive, as am I, but there is one of you with a single perceptible physical flaw and that is unacceptable. Jim, your dimples pierce my soul. You are not moving on to the next round.
(Dreadful music plays as the camera zooms in on a disappointed Jim. Cut to a talking head interview with Jim)
JIM: The producers asked me to come up with a sassy comment to say to Clara. Um…you’re a c**t. Can they air that?
(Cut back to Kimberly watching. Ethan comes in with his suit on, carrying a brief case)
ETHAN: Are you watching The Bachelor?
KIMBERLY: It’s an escape, okay?
ETHAN: What happened today?
KIMBERLY: I got flat out rejected by a client, he totally flat-ironed my tits.
KIMBERLY: It’s the female equivalent of “busted my balls”.
ETHAN: Ah. Why did he reject you?
KIMBERLY: He wanted to get service from Grisham, my main competitor.
ETHAN: Sorry, Kimmy. Don’t mope about it though, there’ll be other clients.
KIMBERLY: But that’s just it, there won’t be! Grisham is huge in this area now; this is like the fourth client he’s stolen from me. Well, I guess it wasn’t stealing if I never had them to begin with, but still, I feel like the clients I have right now are tenuous at best.
ETHAN: Before we continue on with this conversation, can I change it?
(Ethan sits down on the couch and changes it to the Hansbay Action News with Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury)
PATRICK WHITE: Highly unpopular Florida Governor Rick Scott has announced he has changed his mind and is accepting the Medicaid expansion prescribed under ObamaCare for his state. He is following suit with other Republican Governors from Arizona, Michigan, Nevada, New Mexico, North Dakota and Ohio in accepting the new expansion. This comes at a time when Governor Scott is considered the least popular Governor in the nation, partially for signing a law that required welfare recipients submit to drug tests before receiving benefits, a law that was halted by the courts. There is no word yet on whether or not the Medicaid expansion’s beneficiaries in Florida will be forced to submit to urine tests, blood tests, stool samples or transvaginal ultrasounds.
FIONA CADBURY: Meanwhile in local news, Grisham Industries, the largest sporting goods supplier in Vermont, is being bought out by NBC Universal.
FIONA CADBURY: NBC Universal, which owns General Electric, Comcast and Vivendi Universal Entertainment, has caused concerns with the possibly monopolistic nature of a company that owns American television networks, numerous cable channels, and a group of local stations in the United States, as well as motion picture companies, several television production companies, branded theme parks and now a sporting goods supplier.
KIMBERLY: No shit!
PATRICK WHITE: NBC Universal President Steve Burke and Grisham Industries President Mel Grisham had this to say at a joint press conference in Rockefeller Center.
(They show a press conference with Steve Burke and Mel Grisham in suits in the Rockefeller Center lobby with a podium and numerous reporters, microphones and cameras surrounding them)
STEVE BURKE: We are extremely excited for this merger. We are elated to be able to sell…
MEL GRISHAM: Sporting equipment.
STEVE BURKE: Sporting equipment!
MEL GRISHAM: It’s very exciting.
STEVE BURKE: Very exciting. Can I go?
(Cut back to Kimberly and Ethan)
KIMBERLY: Goddamnit, where are our anti-trust laws when we need them?
ETHAN: Kimmy, you’ll be fine, monopolies jack up prices and you can take advantage of that.
KIMBERLY: They only jack up prices when they’ve eliminated all the competition!
ETHAN: You know how long that takes? It takes about as long as a game of Monopoly.
KIMBERLY: Great, so my business will die slowly.
ETHAN: Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly.
KIMBERLY: Ethan, can’t you use some of your political clout to get an anti-trust suit against these clowns?
ETHAN: Kimberly, first of all, you don’t want to fuck with the clown union. They put Jimmy Hoffa in a comically small car and he was never seen again. Secondly, I work for the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont, what the hell am I going to do?
KIMBERLY: Get Sarandon to talk to Governor Shumlin, isn’t it his job to enforce Vermont’s anti-trust laws?
ETHAN: Kimberly, this trust crosses state lines, it’s under federal jurisdiction.
KIMBERLY: Goddamnit, I hate when you out-constitution me.
ETHAN: It’s a conservative’s gift, Kimmy. We know the constitution and the exact intent of every person who signed it.
KIMBERLY: Sure you do.
ETHAN: Just take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin anew tomorrow.
KIMBERLY: (Sighs) You’re probably right. Although tomorrow’s Saturday.
ETHAN: Yeah, and the next day’s Sunday. What are your Oscar picks?
KIMBERLY: Macklemore and Daniel Day Lewis will get Best New Artist and Argo will get the Vince Lombardi Trophy.
ETHAN: You’re mixing up like, two awards ceremonies and a sporting event there.
KIMBERLY: Who gives a shit, they’re all the same.
(Ryan, Scott and Oleander come in)
RYAN: Hey dad, mom.
ETHAN: Hi, Ryan, Scott. And uh…who’s this?
RYAN: Dad, this is Oleander. He’s the guitarist in our band; he replaced Delaware because Delaware was a piece of shit.
ETHAN: I see, why does he-
RYAN: Anyway, you know how we have that meeting with talent appraisers tomorrow?
RYAN: Well, we need Oleander to stay somewhere, warm, safe and not near a pile of glass.
SCOTT: You see, he used to be in a hugely popular band called Devil’s Niece, but once he was kicked out he sort of became a part-time vagrant.
RYAN: The rest of the time he was sleeping on a train.
ETHAN: So he’d still be a vagrant, Ryan, we’re not having a homeless person sleep here tonight!
RYAN: Dad, he needs to be in tip-top condition for the appraisal tomorrow.
ETHAN: I don’t care; he might be a drug addict.
SCOTT: With all due respect sir, you kind of have a drug addict sleep here every night.
ETHAN: I’m SO SORRY I use medical pot for migraines!
RYAN: He was talking about me, dad.
KIMBERLY: My little Ryan? Drugs? Never!
RYAN: Right, I’m not an addict, I just have a habit. Like, drinking diet Coke or cutting.
SCOTT: You should’ve picked different examples.
RYAN: The point is, he needs to stay here so we can succeed.
ETHAN: Ryan, I said no! Why can’t he sleep at Scott’s house?
SCOTT: My dad said no too.
ETHAN: I can’t say I blame them! Ryan, I don’t even think I like that you’re hanging out with this homeless drug addict.
OLEANDER: If I could get a word in, edge-wise.
ETHAN: Unless you’re a hobo with a golden radio announcer’s voice, absolutely not!
OLEANDER: You’re listening to the best hits from the 80s, 90s and today, next up Daughter by Pearl Jam!
ETHAN: That was just your regular voice.
OLEANDER: I’m working on it. Listen, I may have made some mistakes in my life. I may have hinged my entire bottom line on a job at Burger King and membership in an emo band. But in the end, most of us aren’t infallible. And none of us will be come next Thursday.
OLEANDER: So that’s why I ask you for your permission to sleep on your dustiest, most uncomfortable and closest to a window with no blinds couch. Make me as uncomfortable as possible if you wish, just please; let me stay here so your son’s band can be successful.
KIMBERLY: …Ethan, he seems sincere.
ETHAN: They all do. (He sighs) You can stay here if you take a fucking shower.
(Scott, Ryan and Oleander hug. Cut to Madeline on her computer in her apartment. She goes on to CNN.com and it shows the headline “Probe of Kansas City Gas Explosion Completed”. But then, a huge rainbow banner ad reading “JOIN DUPLICIT! JOIN DUPLICIT” appears, accompanied by animated GIFs of kittens barfing sunshine and Psy doing the Harlem Shake appear)
MADELINE: The fuck? OLIVER!
(Oliver walks over)
MADELINE: Look at this! I just went on CNN.com and this appeared!
OLIVER: What the fuck?
MADELINE: That’s one of the Duplicit ads? A seizure-inducing obnoxious banner ad?
OLIVER: God, that’s awful. It doesn’t even mention what the site is for.
MADELINE: Yeah! This will annoy people, not attract them.
OLIVER: I agree, this is too much. I’ll talk to Kyle. (Cut to Oliver and Kyle at some diner) Kyle, what the fuck?
KYLE: What? People like memes!
OLIVER: You didn’t even mention what the site is for!
KYLE: It’s about drawing people in!
OLIVER: They can’t be drawn in if they’re having a seizure!
KYLE: If they’re prone to seizures, I’m not sure we want them on our website.
OLIVER: I am!
KYLE: Do you want me to change the ad?
OLIVER: No, I’m mad about it, I just don’t want you to change it-yeah, fuckin’ change it!
KYLE: Fine. By the way, I was doing some Jewish research and I found that the best way to expand our business at this point is to go public.
OLIVER: I’m not sure if that’s prudent at this point.
KYLE: I’m sorry, did you have a barmitzvah?
OLIVER: Well, no-
KYLE: בדיוק, אתה לא.
(SUBTITLES: Exactly, you don’t)
OLIVER: Kyle, what are the benefits of going public then if you’re the expert?
KYLE: I am the expert and the benefits are abundant. We can raise capital, get publicity and increase our market share.
OLIVER: Kyle, Duplicit has been up for a month and a half, are you sure we’re ready for this? Facebook had been around for eight years by the time it went public.
KYLE: Yeah, but if it had gone public in March of 2004 it would have three billion users by now.
OLIVER: …You’ve done market research on this?
KYLE: Tons. I’ve got literally stacks of papers, if you want me to read them to you, then I’ll do it.
OLIVER: Don’t. If you think it’s best to go public, then I’ll defer to your jewdgement.
KYLE: Todah rabah. By the way, we’ll need to fill out paper work for the Securities and Exchange Commission if we want to go public.
(Oliver stands up)
OLIVER: I’m sure you can handle it.
KYLE: Yes I can.
(Kyle stands up, smiles and shakes Oliver’s hand)
OLIVER: Don’t we need to eat?
(Kyle lets go of Oliver’s hand)
KYLE: Sure, what kind of Chinese food does this place have?
OLIVER: Why do you let your religion define you so much?
KYLE: Since when do I worship Chinese food? (Oliver sighs and walks away as Kyle smiles. Kyle picks up his phone and dials a number. It rings and someone answers) Bobby, he said yes.
(Cut to Ryan and Scott asleep in the same bed in Ryan’s room. Their phone alarms go off, telling them to wake up. They both open their eyes)
SCOTT: It never feels like it’s been long enough.
RYAN: That’s why I like to wake up in the middle of the night and see that I have plenty of time left to sleep.
SCOTT: Yeah, that is nice.
(They both fall back asleep. Cut to thirty minutes later, Oleander comes in, wearing the newly-hemmed jeans and a black collared shirt with a red tie. He also appears less disheveled and clean. He shakes Ryan and Scott)
(They get up)
RYAN: What? Shit, what time is it?
OLEANDER: It’s nine thirty, you guys slept too late.
(Ryan and Scott get up out of bed)
SCOTT: Damnit, we got to hurry.
RYAN: Yeah, but when are you all of a sudden punctual, Olly?
OLEANDER: Rob here gave me some pointers when I slept in the closet last night.
(Rob comes in wearing sweats and a robe with a bagel in hand)
ROB: (Mouth full) I taught this kid a thing or two about responsibility.
(He slaps Oleander’s back hard)
RYAN: You, Robert Joseph Altmire, taught you, Timothy “Oleander” Johnson-Goldwater, about responsibility?
ROB: Fuckin’ A.
OLEANDER: Anyway, hurry up, shower, get dressed, get your shit and let’s go.
(Ryan and Scott scramble. Cut to Scott and Oleander waiting outside the bathroom while Ryan takes a shower)
SCOTT: …RYAN, HURRY THE FUCK UP!
RYAN: I’M TOO COMFORTABLE TO GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
(Kimberly walks in)
KIMBERLY: How long has he been in there?
SCOTT: Damn near twenty minutes.
KIMBERLY: Jesus, he slipped and fell and cracked his head open! (Kimberly knocks on the door profusely) RYAN?! RYAN?! ARE YOU OKAY?!
SCOTT: No, Mrs. Donahue-
(She bangs up against the door from her side repeatedly)
KIMBERLY: I’M COMING TO SAVE YOU, RYAN!
SCOTT: No, Mrs. Donahue, he’s fine! We were just talking to him!
KIMBERLY: GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF OF ME!
SCOTT: I’m not touching you!
(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in Ryan’s car. Ryan is driving, Oleander is in the back)
RYAN: You look good, Olly, you remind me of Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day except you’re not forty-one with a substance abuse problem.
OLEANDER: I do have a substance abuse problem.
RYAN: But you’re not forty-one!
OLEANDER: Well, when I joined Devil’s Niece a year and a half ago, I had dreams of becoming this generation’s Kurt Cobain or Tupac Shakur or Jimi Hendrix.
SCOTT: So you dreamed of dying young?
OLEANDER: I’m twenty-one, so I got a good six years left.
RYAN: I swear I saw a 46-year old Kurt Cobain working at a Best Buy the other day.
SCOTT: Didn’t you own a restaurant for a while after they kicked you out of Devil’s Niece?
OLEANDER: Yeah, it was a restaurant in Rhode Island with no doors and a continuous audio track playing through speakers of a busy restaurant, I did it just to fuck with people, but I ended up blowing my severance on it.
RYAN: Bands give severance?
OLEANDER: Mallart’s a nice man.
(Cut to Mr. Litwak, Mr. McKeller, Mr. Passamano and Mr. Kissick in a large ball room. They are sitting on chairs and a few feet in front of them is a microphone and a drum set)
MR. LITWAK: That last group was great.
MR. MCKELLER: I know, they were all attractive fifteen-years old that could pass for eighteen, all their songs were hollow and meaningless but catchy and plus, none of them had diabetes.
MR. KISSICK: Yeah, that was the one flaw with the Jonas Brothers.
MR. PASSAMANO: Too bad we passed on them.
MR. LITWAK: Yeah.
(They all sit there, contemplating for ten seconds)
MR. MCKELLER: Anyway, NEXT!
(Ryan, Scott and Oleander come in. Oleander is holding a guitar)
MR. KISSICK: Oh. Hello, there.
SCOTT: How you doin’?
(They all face the judges)
RYAN: Do you want us to go ahead and start?
MR. KISSICK: By all means.
MR. PASSMANO: Not all means. I just want to clarify, that not all means.
RYAN: …O-kay, um, first of all, our name is Depraved Hallway Fern and this song is called “Proof of Purchase”. Ready? (His band members nod and Ryan starts singing as Scott plays drums and Oleander plays guitar) I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU’RE MY BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it’s trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! WE’RE GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR KINDLY SOUL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it’s trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! (Thirty-second instrumental) I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU’RE MY BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it’s trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! WE’RE GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR KINDLY SOUL! I SEE YOU! I SEE YOU! CAN YOU SEE ME? I MUST BLIND MY-SELF, FOR THE GOOD OF THE TEAM! IF I DO NOT, THEN MA’AM, YOU’RE CAUGHT! I CAN’T TRUST MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN’T BE TAUGHT! (The music goes silent except for Ryan’s singing and an occasional guitar riff. Ryan speaks this line more quietly this time) Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it’s trees. For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedyyyyy…
(The song ends. Ryan, Scott and Oleander wait at a tension)
MR. KISSICK: Um…I’m not sure if this is what we’re looking for, thanks though.
RYAN: Wait, what?
MR. PASSAMANO: Yeah, we’re just not sure if you’ll test well in the demographic we’re going after.
SCOTT: What demographic?
MR. LITWAK: 13-18 year old suburban white kids who like rap, pop, pop rock and pop secret.
OLEANDER: Your flier said “any genre welcome”.
MR. MCKELLER: That was because hipsters kept throwing our fliers in the trash when we were more specific.
SCOTT: You sleazy, avaricious music industry opportunists perpetuating vapidity masquerading as music, YOU’RE FUCKING SICKENING!
RYAN: Scott, just calm down!
SCOTT: I’M NOT GONNA CALM DOWN!
MR. LITWAK: Last time I checked, you don’t have the hair cred of the Biebs, so beat it.
SCOTT: I am-URRGGH, I am incensed. I will post a picture of me being angry on Instagram and you guys are going to be sorry.
MR. MCKELLER: SECURITY!
OLEANDER: It’s fine! We’ll leave on our own; I’ve been kicked out of too many places in the last three weeks.
(Ryan, Oleander and Scott walk out of the room, Scott brings his guitar with him. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly watching the Oscars on Sunday night)
ETHAN: Seth McFarlane really loves to sing, doesn’t he?
KIMBERLY: He likes to sing as much as he likes to write and produce eight different animated shows at once all about the same thing.
ETHAN: Why is it that Ben Affleck and George Clooney looked like what would happen if Ulysses S. Grant and Benjamin Harrison were a gay couple who just got done eating a plate of chicken wings?
KIMBERLY: To upstage Daniel Day Lewis, I don’t know. I’m just glad Argo won best picture, because it shows how brave and bold President Carter was.
ETHAN: President Carter himself said that the movie gave too much credit to the American CIA and that Canada did most of the leg work.
KIMBERLY: Goddamnit, he can’t have anything.
ETHAN: All of the movies nominated this year were about the past, Argo took place 34 years ago, Lincoln took place 148 years ago, Zero Dark Thirty took place a year and a half ago, it seems like everyone would rather it be any other year than 2013.
KIMBERLY: It’s hard to like living in 2013 when McDonald’s, Starbucks, flying death robots and beards are ubiquities.
ETHAN: I know, what is with the beard thing?! I hate it!
KIMBERLY: I know. But on the bright side, Anne Hathaway was great in Les Mis and Quvenzhané Wallis is absolutely adorable.
ETHAN: She is.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, the Onion called her a cunt.
ETHAN: Jesus Christ.
(Cut to the TV. It shows a commercial depicting a man sitting on a couch with a remote, very happy)
MAN: Man, I love watching TV. I only wish I could watch TV at an amusement park.
ANNOUNCER: (Off camera) YOU CAN!
MAN: Wha? (Suddenly, the man is at an amusement park pushing a cradle with a TV in it and he’s wearing a safari cap and sunglasses and is holding a remote control) Wow! But what if I want to watch a movie, play racquetball or watch the local news?
(Suddenly, he’s holding a racquetball racket and the TV displays a split screen with local news on one side and a movie on the other. Also, he now has a nagging wife by his side)
ANNOUNCER: You can do all that whilst using the services of ONE company, NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM! (The logo for NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM appears on screen) That’s right! You can get your racket on while watching all of your favorite shows, such as 1600 Penn, (the TV displays the logo for 1600 Penn, and as each show is mentioned, the title card for that show appears on the TV) The Voice, what’s left of The Office, whatever Do No Harm is and Girls! Actually, Girls isn’t on NBC, but…I just think it’s awesome.
(The NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM logo goes away)
MAN: Thanks, omnipotent TV announcer!
ANNOUNCER: You’re welcome!
WIFE: JIM, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE OUT THE TRAASSSSHHHH!
ANNOUNCER: HA! Women are c**ts. Enjoy your TV, movies, local news, amusement parks, television services and sports equipment, Jim!
JIM: Yes, sir! (He holds up the racquet) Want to play racquetball, wifey?
WIFE: NOT UNTIL YOU FEED THE BABY, JIM!!!
(Jim sighs and pours milk on the TV. Cut back to Ethan and Kimberly watching)
KIMBERLY: Oh my God, they’re flouting the fact they’re a monopoly now!
ETHAN: Kim, have any of your clients called you and said they’re leaving since Friday?
KIMBERLY: No, but-
ETHAN: But nothing! You’re fine! Okay?
KIMBERLY: (Sighs) Fine.
(Ryan walks in, looking dejected)
ETHAN: Hey buddy. How are you holding up?
RYAN: Terribly. I never thought rejection by four old white men would be more painful than rejection by a girl.
KIMBERLY: Don’t fret, they’re a bunch of exploiters anyway, if they had let you in they would’ve milked you for all you had and left you for the wolves.
RYAN: I’m loving the cognitive dissonance, but my razor blades are beginning to dull, which has never happened before.
ETHAN: You cut yourself?
RYAN: I’m sorry, have we met?
ETHAN: Who were those old white guys anyway?
RYAN: I don’t know, some rubes named Litwak, Passamano, McKeller and Kissick.
KIMBERLY: Oh my God, Ryan, those are the four old white men who invested in my business!
RYAN: Oh my God, that’s awesome! Maybe you could nudge them in the right direction?
KIMBERLY: Sure, I’ll call them first thing tomorrow morning.
RYAN: Thanks, mommy, so much!
(Ryan runs toward Kimberly and hugs her. While they’re embracing, Ethan reaches over and puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder once. Cut to Kyle filling out forms for the Securities and Exchange Commission at his dorm room’s desk. He comes to a part that says “Are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?”. He checks the “no” box. In the “if so, explain” and writes “N/A”. He then gets to a part that says “Chief Executive Officer:” andwith a devilish smile,he half-hesitantlywrites “Kyle Lautenberg”. He then comes to a part that says “Chief Operations Officer:” and he writes “Brandon Nehring”. Then he comes to a part that says “Chief Financial Officer”. He shakes slightly as he writes “Oliver Mulvaney”. He then grins widely. He then comes to a question that says “Are you pregnant or nursing?”, leaving him with a confused countenance. Cut to Kimberly and Ethan in bed. Their alarm goes off and it reads “8 AM MON FEBRUARY 25 2013”. The radio turns on as Ethan and Kimberly get up. Ethan walks into the bathroom while Kimberly sits up in bed)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It’s a beautiful morning in Hansbay, Vermont, ladies and gentlemen, who watched the Oscars last night? God, Michelle Obama’s arms were EILFs! Extremities I’d like to f**k! Woo, good thing we have a seven-second delay. Anyway, we’ve got an hour of commercial-free music coming up, followed by an hour of commercials, so strap in! Just to remind you, this radio station is owned by NBC-COMCAST-GRISHAM, so be grateful!
KIMBERLY: Jesus. (Kimberly turns the radio off. Cut to Kimberly kissing a fully-dressed Ethan on the lips as he walks to his car, gets inside and drives off. As he drives off, Jacob walks over to Kimberly, hugs her and walks to his car. As he’s walking, Kimberly notices the back of his backpack says “NBC-UNIVERSAL SCHOOL GEAR”, which makes her rather consternated. Jacob gets in his car and drives off. Across the street, she notices a group of elementary school children, including Jeff Sanford, gathered at a bus stop. The bus drives over and stops to pick them up. Kimberly notices the side of the bus says “HANSBAY-NBC-COMCAST-GRISHAM INDEPENDENT SCHOOL SYSTEM”, which shocks Kimberly. A man walks over wearing a “Broadview Security” uniform and holding a sign) Can I help you?
BROADVIEW SECURITY GUY: Yes ma’am, we need to replace your sign.
(The security guy lifts their Broadview sign from the ground and replaces it with another sign. Kimberly runs over and looks at the new sign and it says “BROADVIEW-NBC-COMCAST-GRISHAM-#BIEBER HOME SECURITY”)
KIMBERLY: WHAT THE FUCK?
BROADVIEW SECURITY GUY: That’d be five hundred dollars.
(Kimberly looks toward the sky with fists raised)
(She looks back down)
BROADVIEW SECURITY GUY: Um…that was weird.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, in TV shows, a scene just ends after someone does that, but I guess in real life, you have to experience the aftermath.
BROADVIEW SECURITY GUY: Yeah.
(Cut to black)