"CAPITALISM PART 2"
"The animal garden is now a murder-hole. Language was always the Labyrinth. Civilization is striving, spurning, starving, burning, mass graves and marble tombs, wonderful wine and no-one to drink it with"
- Anthony Weir
(We start with Ryan near sitting near Kimberly in the dining room as Kimberly is on her phone. Ryan appears anxious and excited)
KIMBERLY: Mr. Litwak, hi, it's Kimberly Donahue. Yes, I have an idea of what time it is, it's 3:45. Um, I don't think it's that late. Can't you just record it-
RYAN: (Whispering) Talk to him about the band!
KIMBERLY: Right. Mr. Litwak, I was just wondering-
RYAN: (Whsipering) Talk to him about the band!
KIMBERLY: I-hold on. (She puts the phone to her chest) I'm trying to but you keep interrupting, just calm down. (She puts back up to her ear) Sorry about that, I was wondering if you remember rejecting my son's band during your talent appraisals on Saturday. Uh-huh. Yeah, my son was the emo kid-
RYAN: (Whispering) Tell him I had the long black hair!
KIMBERLY: I'm in the process of-(Phone to chest) Could you hush for a second? (Phone to ear) Sorry, yeah, he was the emo kid with the long black hair.
RYAN: (Whispering) Long black hair.
KIMBERLY: I said long. Sorry, I was talking to my son. Right, I was wondering if you could reconsider your rejection of his band, they worked really hard on whatever they did for you-(Phone to chest) What'd you guys do, juggle or something?
RYAN: It's a band! We played a song.
(Phone to ear)
KIMBERLY: They worked really hard on that song and I'd appreciate if you gave them a second chance.
RYAN: COULD WE GET A THIRD AND FOURTH CHANCE, JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE?!
(Phone to chest)
KIMBERLY: Oh my God, go back to whispering. (Phone to ear) Sorry, that was my son. All he needs is a second chance. (Ryan starts bouncing up and down in anticipation) Is that doable? Great. I'll tell him. Bye, Mr. Litwak. Thanks.
(Kimberly hangs up and turns toward Ryan)
KIMBERLY: He told you he'd give you a second chance, but you've got to wow him!
RYAN: Awesome! Thanks mom!
(Ryan runs over and hugs Kimberly)
KIMBERLY: You're welcome, honey. (Ryan lets go of Kimberly) He also mentioned something about how it would be helpful if one of your songs was a "sleeper hit", you know, one that becomes successful over a relatively short period of time with little promotion and largely through word-of-mouth marketing, like Thrift Shop.
RYAN: God, I hate how the music industry tries to catch lightning in a bottle like that. I also hate the music festival Lightning in a Bottle. I also hate lightning, it's loud. Why does it have to be so loud?
KIMBERLY: I just got you the chance of a lifetime, Ryan.
RYAN: Oh yeah, sorry. Woo!
(Cut to Madeline on the phone backstage somewhere)
MADELINE: Hey, did you hear about Duplicit going public?
KIMBERLY: (On the phone) Yeah, I did.
MADELINE: Well, Oliver, Brandon, Kyle and I are going to be guests LIVE on the Today Show in a few minutes to promote Duplicit!
KIMBERLY: OH MY GAWD, really?!
MADELINE: Yeah! I think a bit of your Boston accent came out there.
KIMBERLY: Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. What channel is Today on again?
KIMBERLY: Nothing, can't wait to watch it.
KIMBERLY: You live three hours away from New York, why didn't you call me about this earlier?
MADELINE: I wanted to surprise you!
KIMBERLY: Ah, honey, this is great, Oliver is so talented, you are so lucky to have him.
MADELINE: Yeah…yeah, he is talented.
KIMBERLY: I'll call your dad at work and tell him to turn it on.
MADELINE: Okay. Wish me luck.
KIMBERLY: Good luck. Resist the urge to punch Kathie Lee Gifford right in her fresh-from-the-sweatshop garments.
MADELINE: (Giggles) I'll try. Love you, mom.
KIMBERLY: Love you too.
(Kimberly hangs up. She turns on the Today Show and calls Ethan. Cut to Ethan at his desk on his computer with Mayor Sarandon behind him)
ETHAN: So you want me to alphabetize your appointments?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, if I have a aardvark skinning, move that to midnight, if I have a xylophone rehearsal, move it to eleven.
ETHAN: You don't have either of those things scheduled, you have a meeting with Steve Burke at four on Wednesday, why does that name sound familiar?
MAYOR SARANDON: I don't know; just reschedule it to 1am on the 28th.
ETHAN: Oh my God… (Ethan's cell rings and he answers it) This is Ethan.
KIMBERLY: Turn on the Today Show, Madeline, Oliver, Brandon and Kyle are about to be on there to promote Duplicit!
ETHAN: Holy shit, really?
KIMBERLY: Yeah, hurry!
ETHAN: Hold on.
(Ethan stands up and goes into Mayor Sarandon's office)
MAYOR SARANDON: OH! (Sarandon throws up his hands and goes into his office, where Ethan is turning on the TV) So you can just mosey into my office now?
ETHAN: My daughter's about to be on TV, Brian.
(Cut to Matt Lauer, Savannah Guthrie, Al Roker, Willie Geist, Natalie Morales and Kathie Lee Gifford on the set of Today, live)
MATT LAUER: Welcome back to the Today Show as we enter into our third hour. It's 10am on Monday, February 25, 2013 and we've been discussing this morning's breaking news that outgoing Pope Benedict XVI has accepted the resignation of Scotland's Roman Catholic Archbishop Keith O'Brien in the wake of allegations of inappropriate sexual misconduct with male prostitutes and other male bishops. That's male with an M.
SAVANNAH GUTHRIE: The good news here is all the misconduct appears to have been with consenting adults, so I believe this is progress.
AL ROKER: But the Catholic Church should not rest until Archbishops are only having sex with female prostitutes.
WILLIE GEIST: I think that's what Jesus would've wanted.
SAVANNAH: I agree.
(Cut to backstage, where Madeline, Oliver, Brandon and Kyle are. Oliver is wearing a red hoodie, Brandon is wearing a blue hoodie, Kyle is wearing a suit and Madeline is wearing a dress)
BRANDON: Which hoodie looks better?
MADELINE: Why are you guys wearing hoodies? This is national television.
OLIVER: We're internet moguls, Madeline. We gotta whip out the full Zuckerberg.
KYLE: I'm going more for a coked-up accountant look.
(Cut back to the Today Show set)
AL ROKER: If the Senate confirms Chuck Hagel for Defense Secretary, weather in Washington will be sunny but weather in Israel will be cloudy with a chance of matzo balls, because according to conservatives, there's a 75% chance that Chuck Hagel's an anti-Semitic storm front coming into Washington, temperatures will be fifty-one degrees but it'll feel like forty-nine.
MATT LAUER: Stop. Our next guests are a group of young internet moguls looking to make their place in that vast land of opportunity we call the internet. Please welcome the founders of Duplicit, Oliver Mulvaney, Brandon Nehring, Kyle Lautenberg and Madeline Donahue!
(Oliver, Brandon, Kyle and Madeline walk onto the set and shake everyone's hands and sit down)
WILLIE GEIST: Welcome to the show, guys.
OLIVER: Thanks for having me-
BRANDON: No, thank you.
OLIVER: Wasn't saying thank you to you, right?
WILLIE GEIST: So you call Duplicit a "social backstabbing" website, could you explain?
OLIVER: Well, it's basically a website like Kickstarter where people found meaningful projects and businesses, but there's always an expectation that one of the partners in those business is going to be stabbed in the back, so it's fun to guess which one it's going to be, that's the excitement that attracts people to Duplicit.
KATHIE LEE GIFFORD: So if theoretically, I wanted to start a sweatshop business, I could have an online presence on Duplicit?
OLIVER: I'm gonna go ahead and say no, and stick with it, see how that feels for the time being.
KATHIE LEE: Okay.
MATT LAUER: I read you're planning on going public.
KYLE: Yes, we filed the paper work; it's in the process of happening.
AL ROKER: Who's the CFO?
KYLE: HEY! Madeline, say words.
MADELINE: Um, okay, I'm not technically an employee of Duplicit, but Oliver is my boyfriend and I believe his business idea is really astute, I've been encouraging him the whole way.
AL ROKER: Do I hear wedding bells?
MADELINE: (Chuckles) No, not right now. I'm only nineteen.
OLIVER: And Madeline doesn't want kids.
MADELINE: I want kids, just not now.
OLIVER: Every time I mention a kid, she storms off to the bathroom.
MADELINE: Oliver, not now.
AL ROKER: I still hear wedding bells.
KYLE: Why? They're arguing on national television.
AL ROKER: I'm actually hearing wedding bells; I think I'm going into an age-induced delirium.
BRANDON: The point is, Duplicit is bold and we encourage you to invest and trade on Duplicit stock once we go public. We already have 8500 users; we're only 999,991,500 users short of Facebook's amount.
WILLIE GEIST: That's a lot.
MADELINE: Well, and I don't mean to speak for Oliver, but their area of business is mostly the northeast, well, mainly Vermont and Rhode Island. But, hopefully viewers all across the nation watching Today will now consider joining.
SAVANNAH GUTHRIE: Vermont is the one with the ice cream right?
MATT LAUER: Some have said that your company may be going public prematurely, is there any validity to that statement?
KYLE: Who's saying that?
MATT LAUER: I'm saying that, but I disguised that fact that that's my opinion by attributing it to a vague third party in a feeble attempt to appear impartial.
KYLE: Wow, okay, well there is no validity to that statement. This IPO will stand for I'm Pretty, O-opportunity.
WILLIE GEIST: I'm pretty opportunity?
KYLE: I had to think of an acronym on the fly, okay?
(Cut to the next day. Ethan, Kimberly, Madeline, Jacob, Oliver, Oliver's parents, Kyle, Mordecai Lautenberg, Abigail Lautenberg, Brandon and Al Nehring at a long table that seats twelve at Schmageggi's. Oliver's dad is at the head of the table and he stands up with a glass of wine, which he taps with a straw, getting nobody's attention. He then puts the straw in the wine and starts sipping, causing everybody to look at him. He stops sipping)
OLIVER'S DAD: That got your attention. Everybody, I would like to make a toast to my wonderful son Oliver. His vision has lead him to take on the economy with a fist of joy. I believe he will win.
OLIVER: …Like, I'll defeat the economy?
OLIVER'S DAD: No, Oliver, you're not listening to me, you'll defeat the competition! Just LISTEN to me! I'm sorry, this is your moment, go ahead, make a toast.
OLIVER: I thought you were making the toast.
OLIVER'S DAD: You're just like your mother!
OLIVER'S MOM: I'm right here!
(Ethan stands up)
ETHAN: I would like to say that Madeline is very lucky to be fraternizing with your son, Mr. Mulvaney.
MR. MULVANEY: Luck had nothing to do with it.
ETHAN: Here's to luck!
MR. MULVANEY: I just said luck had nothing to do with it.
(Jacob stands up)
JACOB: To the Native Americans!
OLIVER: It's pretty sad that nobody here has been able to make a successful toast.
(Madeline stands up)
MADELINE: I'll make a toast. Can every failed toaster please take a seat? (They do that) I wasn't the first one to sign on to Oliver's idea. Hell, I wasn't even the second one. I think there were several people whom Oliver had never met before that signed on with it before me. Today however, I am a believer in his dream of a more anti-sociable tomorrow. To Oliver and all the Duplicit team in following that dream wherever it may take them!
(She raises her glass, as does everybody else and they clink them together and drink. Cut to Kimberly at her desk on the phone at home the next day)
KIMBERLY: Mrs. Alosa, racquets break some time, but that doesn't mean that Grisham will treat you with any respect. I know you had similar problems with cheap racquetballs in the past, but Grisham will just jack up prices because they'll control the market-don't put your son on the phone. Because he's not germane to these-hi, Daniel. How's the real estate business? Yeah…interest rates are low, could I speak to your mother again? She's shaking her head no? Great, tell her fuck her too. Also tell her we'd love to have her a business at a later time, in fact, only tell her the latter. You already told her the former? Fuck. (Kimberly forcefully hangs up) FUCK! (Kimberly flips over a bunch of papers as Ethan comes in in his suit)
ETHAN: What the hell is going on?
KIMBERLY: I just lost another goddamn client to the NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM monopoly!
ETHAN: Ah, honey, I'm sorry.
KIMBERLY: If you're sorry, get Sarandon to lobby someone in Washington to go after these monopolistic bastards!
ETHAN: Kimmy, small companies can't lobby Washington, that's reserved for the big boys. And those big boys are getting married to each other.
KIMBERLY: Big boys are getting married to each other, I'm not following.
ETHAN: I'm saying it's merger mania! OfficeMax and Office Depot, American Airlines and US Airways, Heinz and Warren Buffet, these are the people who have a seat in Washington, the only seat you're getting is the same place where a homeless man sleeps, eats and feeds dead birds.
KIMBERLY: Ethan, you won't know until you try! Talk to Sarandon, he has friends in Washington.
ETHAN: Ugh, fine, but I'm not promising anything!
KIMBERLY: I don't need a promise, I just need results!
ETHAN: Then that's a promise.
KIMBERLY: Your flat-ironing my tits, Donahue.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office writing something on a piece of paper. Cut to his paper. He has simply been drawing circles all over it. A knock is heard)
MAYOR SARANDON: Come in.
(Ethan walks in and closes the door)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hello.
ETHAN: So…I have a teensy tiny favor to ask of you.
MAYOR SARANDON: Does it involve playing mini-golf in Arkansas?
MAYOR SARANDON: I'm not interested.
ETHAN: Why do you want to do that?
MAYOR SARANDON: Don't question my methods.
ETHAN: Anyway, my wife's company is hemorrhaging clients due to Grisham Sports Equipment merging with NBC-UNIVERSAL. She was wondering if you had any friends in Washington that could file an anti-trust suit against NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, your forget yourself!
MAYOR SARANDON: Using MY connections to get special favors for your wife? That is not the Hansbay way, that's cronyism!
ETHAN: With all due respect Mr. Mayor, you're one of the most corrupt Mayors of Hansbay since your great grandfather Jeffrey Sarandon.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, but like a sleazy phoenix, I rise from the ashes, over and over again, I'm the Silvio Berlusconi of Vermont, except with no underaged prostitutes.
ETHAN: That's an important clarification. Mr. Mayor, the failure of my wife's business would crush her. It would also cut off some of our long-term income. Plus, it's not really cronyism, NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM is a monopoly, you'd just be helping enforcement of the law.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, I have a meeting with NBC-Universal President Steve Burke at four, remember?
ETHAN: Damnit, that's why that name sounded familiar! Why are you meeting with him?
(Steve Burke comes in)
STEVE BURKE: Can I answer that?
(Mayor Sarandon gets up)
MAYOR SARANDON: Mr. Burke, it's a pleasure. (Brian and Ethan shake Steve's hand) You're a few hours early, but that's fine.
(Steve Burke sits down, as does Ethan and Mayor Sarandon)
STEVE BURKE: Yes, well helicopter traffic wasn't as bad I had thought. Anyway, I understand you desire to have your city host the 2024 Olympics.
MAYOR SARANDON: Why, yes. Why do you ask?
STEVE BURKE: Is there any traction going forward on that plan?
MAYOR SARANDON: Why yes, there is. IOC President Jacques Rogge said if I could convince Mayor Weinberger and some of the surrounding city's mayors to pitch in the space to host the Olympics, then he'd welcome our bid. I'm still in talks with Mayor Weinberger.
STEVE BURKE: The problem is, Mr. Mayor, Jacques Rogge is stepping down as IOC's president this year due to term limits and that promise is essentially moot.
MAYOR SARANDON: WHAT?
STEVE BURKE: He was most likely just placating you.
MAYOR SARANDON: That limey French coward…Belgian? I don't know, what is he?
STEVE BURKE: It doesn't matter now. Here's your recourse, Mr. Mayor. NBC will likely have exclusive coverage rights of the 2024 Olympics.
ETHAN: Because you guys did such a great job covering the 2012 games.
STEVE BURKE: HEY! If people wanted live coverage of a bunch of lanky stoners taking a dip in the pool, then why didn't they go to a college aquatic center?!
MAYOR SARANDON: What are you saying, Mr. Burke?
STEVE: That swimmers are lanky stoners.
MAYOR SARANDON: No, about my Olympic bid?
STEVE: Oh yes, NBC could potentially lobby the IOC to consider your bid with other cities.
MAYOR SARANDON: Really? In exchange for what?
STEVE: Sell your city to US.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sell Hansbay to you guys?
STEVE: Yes. We want to prove we can run a city. We want to prove a corporation can run a city. We have to start on a small scale, and this'll do. Although this city is filled with exposed wires and coffee stains.
MAYOR SARANDON: They're coffee-flavored ice cream stains, actually. I don't know if there's any legal precedent for selling a city.
STEVE: There isn't a whole lot, but precedents have to be set by somebody. Plus, you can remain Mayor, but you'd be under my authority as CEO of Hansbay.
MAYOR SARANDON: Right…can I keep my office?
ETHAN: You're not actually considering this, are you, Mayor Sarandon?
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, this man could take us to the
ETHAN: This is the man who is driving my wife's company out of business!
ETHAN: Yeah! She's in the racquetball supply business and your monopoly is suffocating her profit margins.
STEVE: Well, sometimes the invisible hand of the market asphyxiates the invisible neck of the proletariat. That's the free market.
ETHAN: I hate how much you sound like me right now.
STEVE: It's a simple yes or no, Mr. Mayor. Yes and you could go to the Olympics. No and you'll be stuck in the dead-end job of governing a mid-size city in Vermont. How many traffic ordinance bills do you want to sign, Mr. Mayor?
MAYOR SARANDON: Either way I'd be doing that, right?
STEVE: You'd be more like a figurehead. Like an older, fatter Queen of England.
MAYOR SARANDON: I'm a lot younger than her.
STEVE: Yes, but if you were a figurehead you'd be able to know about it, just like the Queen of England and the Hounds of Hell.
MAYOR SARANDON: Can I be a hound of Hell?
ETHAN: Brian, tell him off! You can't give up your power for something that probably won't happen anyway!
MAYOR SARANDON: That's true, how can you guarantee that Hansbay will get the Olympic nod?
STEVE: Nothing is definite, but your chances increase exponentially when I am involved. What do you say?
(Mayor Sarandon sits there thinking as Steve and Ethan wait a tension. Finally, he opens his mouth)
MAYOR SARANDON: I'll think about it.
(Steve gets up and shakes Brian's hand and leaves)
ETHAN: What the hell!?
MAYOR SARANDON: It's a huge opportunity.
ETHAN: There's no way it's going to happen, Mr. Mayor! Why can't you accept that?
MAYOR SARANDON: …My job is to ensure the domestic tranquility of my city and if you can't accept that, then I shall bid your fare well for now.
ETHAN: Stop acting like you're in an HBO miniseries!
MAYOR SARANDON: FAREWELL FOR NOW!
(Mayor Sarandon walks out of his office. Cut to Ryan, Scott, Oleander, Mr. Litwak, Mr. Passamano, Mr. McKeller and Mr. Kissick sitting in a board room together)
MR. LITWAK: So your mother suggested I give you guys another shot.
RYAN: Yes sir.
MR. MCKELLER: We believe she's right. We did some research and it turns out there's a large cult following of these screamo emo gotho bands that is a great potential for profit.
MR. KISSICK: There also appears to be a base of boy-crazy emo girls who would push ailing grandmothers out of the way just to get a lock of a long emo drummer's left nut hair. We never realized the vastness of this market until now, we could make a killing.
SCOTT: You're not gonna ruin it are you-
RYAN: We're so excited! What show can you book us at first?
MR. MCKELLER: We booked you at Seani's.
OLEANDER: Great! Devil's Niece and I used to play there all the time.
RYAN: Forget about Devil's Niece, Olly. This is the beginning of a new era in emo music.
OLEANDER: Don't worry, I've forgotten about Devil's Niece. (Cut to Oleander talking on the phone outside the conference room) You hear that, Mallart? I'm in my own band now! Depraved Hallway Farm, straight-up! We have riffs, guitars and a drummer! All you need, baby. Take it!
(Ryan walks out of a nearby bathroom)
RYAN: Hey, who are you talkin' too?
OLEANDER: Sorry mom, I gotta go. (He hangs up on Mallart) Just leaving a voicemail for my niece.
RYAN: I thought you were an only child.
(Scott comes out of the bathroom)
SCOTT: Yeah, I thought you were an only child too! I thought we were "Only Child" (He rolls down his sleeves to reveal a wrist band reading "ALONE AND STRONG, ONLY CHILDREN OF THE WORLD") buddies!
OLEANDER: I, uh…meant that was Devil's Niece. Damnit.
RYAN: Dude, don't be calling Devil's Niece! You've got to move on!
OLEANDER: You're right. Hopefully I never see those bug-eyed bastards again.
(Cut to Oleander, Ryan, Scott, Mallart and the rest of Devil's Niece talking backstage at Seani's)
RYAN: OH MY GOD, IT'S DEVIL'S NIECE!
MALLART: Yes, that's us.
RYAN: Mr. Bond, I am a MONUMENTAL fan! "Suffering in Solace" is a true work of art, as is "Cornea Abuse".
MALLART: I wrote that one after sniffing airplane glue.
RYAN: Thanks for the tip, sir!
MALLART: Don't take that as a tip. By the way Olly, I got a bunch of voicemails about you being in this Depraved Hallway Farm band.
SCOTT: Depraved Hallway Fern, actually.
MALLART: He said farm.
SCOTT: Seriously, man?
OLEANDER: They sound similar!
RYAN: Could someone order airplane glue from a waiter or something?
(Blood On the Bar Scene walks over)
THRUSH: Well if it isn't Deprived Hallway Delicatessen!
RYAN: That's way off.
VEEJAY: Well so are you! You conniving cunts.
MALLART: Whoa, what did they do to you?
THRUSH: They made us accidentally burn down a nativity scene and we got all sorts of shit for it.
MALLART: How did they make you burn it down?
VEEJAY: They made us think that the nativity scene was really just them in costumes.
MALLART: That doesn't make you look any better; it actually makes you look worse.
RYAN: Exactly! And now we have agents who are booking us sweet gigs like this one.
MALLART: Kid, I can fill up Pepsi Centers. Every time I flip my hair out of my eyes, an emo chick squirts onto her computer screen.
RYAN: God, I envy that. But you should recognize that eventually you'll have to pass the torch onto the younger generation of emo kids. Kids born in the nineties instead of the eighties.
(General Darkness walks over)
GENERAL DARKNESS: We realize this. We just hope your generation can husband the resources of the emotive hardcore movement well.
(Litwak and Passamano walk over)
MR. LITWAK: Hey kids! Go out there and make the flapper girls swoon, you hear? We re-wrote some of your lyrics to make them whinier to achieve that end. (He hands them new lyrics) Go over them well before the show.
SCOTT: You changed our lyrics?!
MR. PASSAMANO: Of course, we wanted to drain some of that anger from the lyrics and just put in more depression. The birdies will fly away if it's all borderline-psychopathic expressions of wrath and vengeance.
OLEANDER: It can't be emo without a balance of depression and anger though, sir!
MR. LITWAK: Hey, I was doing you kids a favor! Don't bite the hand that feeds.
RYAN: I was going to bite my own hand in the middle of the show in anger!
MR. LITWAK: Yeah, that's cancelled too. We'll be watching. Have a good show, kids.
(Litwak and Passamano walk out. Devil's Niece and General Darkness look angry)
MALLART BOND: I don't know if I trust the new generation anymore.
SCOTT; Yeah Ryan, who the fuck do they think they are?
MALLART BOND: You're letting them commercialize emo music, you're
RYAN: We're not selling out, Mallart, we're just making some trade-offs in order to achieve success, God, I feel like I'm going to throw up in my mouth. And this is not even the most shameful thing I've done.
SCOTT: Far from it.
RYAN: Okay, you don't have to expand on it.
VEEJAY: I don't see what's wrong with it, we don't scream and we generally aren't angry.
OLEANDER: That's why you guys are more sceney than anything and your brand of emo makes me sick, you just whine and complain and despair, what you don't realize is that unbridled anger is the best release. Anger to me is like sipping on sweet tea in a hammock in a pillow forest in Georgia, it's so therapeutic.
SCOTT: I agree, we can't do this!
RYAN: But they'll be watching.
SCOTT: Ryan, if we do well, people will notice us anyway and we can build a fan base. Small, but substantial.
(Cut to the stage in the restaurant. The owner, Chuck is standing in front of drums, a guitar and a microphone)
CHUCK: Next up, please welcome Delayed Railway Fur!
(Cut to back to backstage)
(Ryan walks onstage and Scott and Oleander shrug their shoulders and follow him on stage. They get in their respective positions. Ryan walks up to the mic, his face sweaty and his lip quivering. He places the re-written lyrics on a lyric holder and looks at them)
RYAN: Um…hello, everybody. We are Depraved Hallway Fern. Today we will be…playing… "Teardrop Parade". (Emo girls in the front row go "Ahhh" in a good way) One, two, three and four. (Scott and Oleander start playing as Ryan sings) I'd truly like to think…that I don't cry in the sink…that I don't cry myself to sleep and that my soul is not fit for reap! But the truth hurts sometimes, as my teardrops drop like a March of Dimes. Not for polio but for crimes…against my soul! My soul is badly worn, worn like the pages of my journal…my soul is badly torn, torn like the heart of you, my eternal! I cannot escape these feelings, they spread inside mee! My teardrop parade, is taking a left on main streeeet! Nothing can stop it now, not even my long, black hair, (he flips his hair to the emo girls' delight) because now I am lost…until I grow a pair…(Cut to the re-written lyrics. After "Until I grow a pair" it says in the stage directions "literally cry". Cut to Ryan looking at that. He starts crying, making the girls go "ahhh" again. Cut to Scott and Oleander looking disgusted, but still playing. Cut to Litwak and Passamano looking pleased in the back of the room. Cut back to Ryan as he wipes away the tears. He begins singing again) AS I WIPE AWAY THE TEARS, THEY FLY OFF TO THE RIGHT! BUT I CANNOT WIPE AWAY THESE YEARS, THAT I HAVE SPENT IN THIS PLIGHT! I AM TRAPPED ALONE AGAIN, I AM IN THE SEA! SOMEONE CAME AND SAVE ME AND MAYBE MARRY ME?!!! Yeah…(The song ends and part of the crowd goes wild) Thank you. Thank you.
(Cut to Ryan being blown by a scene chick in the bathroom of that restaurant)
RYAN: Ohhh..OHHH! JESUS, YES!
(The girl takes her mouth off his dick)
GIRL: Does this make you happier?
RYAN: DON'T FUCKING STOP! But yes, it does, this is like a fucking antidepressant, KEEP GOING GODDAMNIT!
(The girl goes back to blowing him. Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in the board room with Litwak and Passamano the next day)
MR. LITWAK: That was amazing last night, guys.
RYAN: Yes, it was.
MR. PASSAMANO: We thought it was so amazing that Blood on the Bar Scene contacted us and said they are willing to let you guys go on tour with them.
RYAN: HOLY SHIT, REALLY?!
MR. PASSMANO: I'm not even fibbing.
SCOTT: Oh my God…going on tour!
OLEANDER: Scott, I thought you hated the show last night.
SCOTT: I did! I hated it so much that I was offered poon and I declined it, but now I can achieve my dream of GOING ON TOUR! People who borrowed fifty dollars from their parents to drive thirty miles to stand outside a stadium and watch me on a jumbotron while they wonder why they wasted their money, that would be kick-ass!
RYAN: We'd get to see people crow-surfing, or having their heads stepped on while looking for their wallet, or being deafened while standing next to enormously loud speakers, it's, it's, it's an intoxicating thought, not to mention all the opportunities for intoxication that will rear their beautiful heads while we're there!
MR. LITWAK: Whatever you just said is right on the money.
RYAN: So we'd be like, the opening act?
MR. PASSAMANO: Yes. The pre-game show for the main act. It will be fairly epic, as you youngsters say.
OLEANDER: Guys, I've played at concerts before, it's not as great as you think.
RYAN: Shut the fuck up, Olly! We're going to be stars!
MR. PASSAMANO: Yeah Olly, don't be a douchebag, as you youngsters say.
SCOTT: We're not the only ones who say that. But anyway, when's the first concert?
MR. LITWAK: It's on Friday, March 1, 2013 at the music venue Higher Ground in South Burlington. They're calling it…SEQUESTRATION FEST 2013!
SCOTT: They're celebrating the recession-inducing spending cuts set to take effect on Friday?
MR. LITWAK: Damn right.
(Ryan and Scott hug while Oleander looks annoyed. Cut to Oliver, Madeline and Kyle gathered in front of the TV with party hats on. They're also holding glasses of white wine. Brandon is watching via webcam, except he has a Mountain Dew and a fedora)
OLIVER: Our company has gone public, lady and gentlemen. Our stocks will soar higher and higher the more people join, because 20,000 people have joined since the Today Show interview. (They all cheer) Indeed, so I feel confident this IPO is winner.
BRANDON: Provided nobody in Washington speaks during the ringing of the opening bell, we will take off.
(Cut to CNBC. A CNBC anchor is speaking)
CNBC ANCHOR: It is unclear how Pope Benedict XVI's resignation today will affect worldwide loaf and fish prices-I'm just kidding, it won't affect anything. It won't even affect the Catholic Church. What people are really looking to find out is how the new IPO Duplicit will do in its first day on the stock market. For some reason, Alan Thicke, Dog the Bounty Hunter and Jane Fonda's cousin are going to ring the opening bell, let's take a look. (They cut to the ringing of the opening bell. Alan Thicke, Dog the Bounty Hunter and Jane Fonda's cousin are all there, along with random suits. Alan rings the opening bell, the bell sounds and they all clap. Cut to the CNBC anchor) And it appears that their stock has dropped twenty points.
(Cut to them watching)
CNBC ANCHOR: Investors were concerned about the IPO from the beginning. Duplicit was spending much more money than they had on advertising and TV appearances and the entire idea of "social backstabbing" was only playing out to a limited market. We didn't tell you these facts before, because well…it would've destroyed the "will they succeed, will you jump out a window" tension that makes the market so volatile, and therefore a money mine for floor traders. As for you investors, you can go ahead and vent your anger at the CFO of Duplicit, Oliver Mulvaney.
OLIVER: WHAT?! I'm not the CFO! (Oliver's phone starts ringing. Oliver checks it) Oh Jesus. (Oliver throws the phone to the side of the room) KYLE, I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE HAD ENOUGH CASH!
KYLE: Did I say that?
MADELINE: Yeah, you did! Multiple times!
BRANDON: Could you guys not yell? It makes everything staticy on this end.
OLIVER: SHUT THE FUCK UP, BRANDON!
KYLE: Well, you really screwed the pooch, Oliver.
OLIVER: What are you talking about, if anyone had sex with a dog, it was YOU!
KYLE: No, I didn't screw up, because you're the CFO and I'm not.
OLIVER: No, that was just a mistake on the network's part.
KYLE: Oh, of course it was. You know, I bet this next clip we're going to see on CNBC will entirely support that comment.
(Cut to the CNBC anchor)
CNBC ANCHOR: According to paper work from the Securities and Exchange Commission, Kyle Lautenberg is the Chief Executive Officer and Oliver Mulvaney is the Chief Financial Officer.
(They all look at Kyle in shock)
KYLE, OLIVER, MADELINE AND BRANDON: WHAT THE FUCK, KYLE?!
MADELINE: Wait, why did you say that with us?
KYLE: I am CEO. And I am about to release a statement announcing your termination from this company.
OLIVER: You conniving son of a bitch.
KYLE: Your entire business idea was based on backstabbing, what the fuck did you think was going to happen? Now if you'll excuse me. (Kyle takes out a piece of paper with writing on it. He walks over to a window, lifts the window and looks below to see a hoard of journalists yelling and jumping) THIS IS MY STATEMENT, TELL IT TO THE DOUCHEBAGS WITH THE EAR PIECES! (Kyle drops the statement into the crowd of journalists and they fight over it. Kyle closes the window and walks back to the couch and sits down) So you're fired. Also, Madeline, you are hired as his replacement and I am willing to give you ninety-nine percent of the profits. The catch is though, it will now be a dating website for reformed Jews born with nine toes.
OLIVER: OH I SEE! This was your BIG plan to get Madeline back, wasn't it?! Well nice job Schindler! She's probably real impressed by your manipulativeness and betrayal.
MADELINE: Yeah, I'm fucking revolted by your behavior.
KYLE: Come on, Maddie, you know how much money this is, potentially?
MADELINE: The stocks just plummeted!
KYLE: Yes, but once they realize there's a new CFO the stocks will level out. Facebook stocks didn't do well initially either. And-
MADELINE: Just don't! Okay? I thought we were friends, but apparently you're willing to do horrible things just to gain our relationship again, it's fucking pathetic. You're unbelievably vindictive, jealous and petty, it's why you let that man fishing bother you. Get the fuck out of my dorm.
KYLE: Fine. (Kyle stands up) Return that Billy Bass to my neighbor at your earliest convenience.
(Kyle storms away)
OLIVER: Goddamnit, I had money in there.
(Cut to the CNBC anchor)
CNBC ANCHOR: It is being reported that Oliver Mulvaney has been fired by the CEO, Kyle Lautenberg, according to a statement. Sources report that no one in the company actually had shares in the troubled IPO.
MADELINE: You told me you did!
OLIVER: Yeah, I had Kyle set it up-ohhh. Well, that's a relief. But he's still a dick.
OLIVER: God, I'm gonna make a company so huge it's going to make Kyle's URL look like it's dripping with menstruation.
MADELINE: No Oliver, you're going to be a student. You're going to be my boyfriend. You're going to be a New England Tech Democrat. Please.
OLIVER: …Fine. I probably do need a break from everything. My neck is sore. I'm not getting a lot of sleep. I haven't attended a NE Tech Democrats meeting in like a month, and I usually bring the opium tea.
(Madeline starts making out with Oliver. Pan to Brandon eating popcorn and watching over webcam. Cut to Ethan on his cell phone at his desk)
ETHAN: Hi, is this the Justice Department? I'd like to speak to Attorney General Holder please. Yes, I'll hold. (The hold music plays, it's "Carmina Burana", causing Ethan confusion. After ten seconds, the music stops) Hello? Oh wow, Attorney General Holder, I did not think it would be this easy to reach you. Mr. Attorney General, I pray you, why have you not filed an anti-trust suit against NBC-UNIVERSAL? What? No, not anti-tryst, anti-TRUST. I agree, an anti-tryst suit would be a bad idea. Of course I'm a fan of lesbian threeways, but that's not really-no, I don't think they should be a ble to get married, but…can we focus? NBC-UNIVERSAL is a monopoly that's driving my wife's company out of business. I'm Ethan Donahue, the Chief of Staff to the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont….yes, that buffoon from the state with the Syrup…listen, you've got to take these guys down, consider it a friendly favor…c'mon man, we're brothas. I know this is the first time we've spoken, but everytime I see you on TV justifying the use of air-borne autonomous murder machines, I'm like "right on, man". Word up, hip gangsters. I'm losing you? No, no, no, no, I'm not calling you a gangster. I'm just asking for an expensive lawsuit against the company that owns the fifth most watched network. What's in it for you? Um… I'll do some horse trading. Yeah. I'll trade you a horse…I am not sure what the fuck an African-American gentleman would do with a hrose, why do you ask? No, I'm not going to say the N-word. Really? You will file the lawsuit if I say the N-word? Are you serious or is this a trap? (Sighs) Fine…nigger. Are you happy now, Mr. Attorney General? Great! You're a good man and you're certainly not a nigger. Sorry! I didn't realize I only had permission to say it once. Okay. Thanks so much. Bye. (He hangs up) WOO!
(Steve Burke walks out of Mayor Sarandon's office with Mayor Sarandon)
STEVE BURKE: I'm so glad we could agree to split control of the city. I'm sure Hansbay 2024 will be the best Olympic games of 2024.
MAYOR SARANDON: Or even better, the 2020s.
STEVE BURKE: Sure.
(They shake hands, but then Steve gets a call. His ringtone is the theme song to the Big Bang Theory)
MAYOR SARANDON: The Big Bang Theory is your ringtone?
STEVE BURKE: Hold on one second. (He picks up) This is the Burkester. What that noise? The United States Government is SUING me?! For what?! Monopoly?! You COWARDS! (He hangs up) Those cowards are suing me, Mr. Mayor. This deal is off, I'm sorry.
MAYOR SARANDON: WHAT?! But Steve! (Steve walks away) Ethan, did YOU have something to do with this?
ETHAN: (Sarcastically) Yeah Brian, I called Attorney General Eric Holder and somehow convinced him to file an anti-trust suit.
MAYOR SARANDON: So this was just a coincidence?
ETHAN: (Sarcastically) Yeah, this was just a coincidence! I mean, (not carcastically) yeah it was a coincidence.
MAYOR SARANDON: GREAT! From Hansbay, Vermont, the flash, apparently official, Hansbay 2024 died at 2:36 Eastern time, that's 1:36 central time.
ETHAN: Why are you parodying Walter Kronkite?
MAYOR SARANDON: I DO IT WHEN I'M UPSET! I did it when I got divorced too.
ETHAN: It'll be fine, Brian.
(Mayor Sarandon goes into his office. Ethan smiles widely. Cut to Ethan walking into the house)
(Kimberly runs over)
KIMBERLY: Did you hear? The government is filing an anti-trust suit against NBC-Universal!
ETHAN: I KNOW! Guess who called Eric Holder and pushed him in the right direction?
KIMBERLY: Are you serious?
ETHAN: Totally serious! It helps that Holder looks like an older Lando Calrissian. So cool.
KIMBERLY: ETHAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
(Kimberly jumps into Ethan's arms. She carries her towards the bedroom)
ETHAN: Let's merge!
(They go into the bedroom. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly having vaginal sex)
ETHAN: I'M CUMMIN' ELIZABETH!
KIMBERLY: UH! UH! (Erkel impression) DID I DO THAT?!
(Cut to Ryan, Scott, Oleander, Thrush and Veejay backstage at a concert)
RYAN: THIS IS SO AWESOME! There are so many people out there!
SCOTT: Yeah, I mean, not necessarily the kind of people I would want to be at my concert, but still!
RYAN: Dude, you can't choose your audience!
SCOTT: Can they at least choose not to wear crocs and ponytails? I don't trust a man with a ponytail! Or a pony!
RYAN: Stop bitching dude, we're about to make emo rock history!
THRUSH: Totally, and we're branding the whole thing Sequester Fest 2013.
VEEJAY: Yeah, in fact I just looked on my phone that President Obama signed the sequester order a few minutes ago.
RYAN: Tonight will be an ode to governmental incompetence.
(Oleander is looking on his phone)
OLEANDER: Not everybody's expecting us to do great tonight, though.
RYAN: Who's not expecting us to do great tonight, THOUGH?!
OLEANDER: People who reviewed your show on Tuesday. They're saying it was "whiny", "Weak", "overemotional", "pathetic", "a sad attempt to curry pity" and it seemed like it worked, because a lot of people said they felt bad for you.
RYAN: Yeah, that's why I got a pretty sweet pity BJ.
SCOTT: Olly, we won't have to be like this forever, once we gain some fans, we can release a mélange of anger and depression.
(Mr. Litwak and Mr. Passamano walk over)
MR. LITWAK: Hey kids. We decided to siphon some of the meaning from your songs, here's some new lyrics.
(Litwak hands Ryan the new lyrics)
MR. MCKELLER: Now you can talk about how much you love your baby, so much and how you'd never let her down, you know, clichés like that.
RYAN: Wait a minute, I'm not sure if-
MR. LITWAK: You want to make it in the big leagues, junior?! Sometimes you've got to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever…get back together, or baby, baby, baby, ohhhh! Or, I want to be a billionaire so finagling bad…
SCOTT: Did they seriously replacing the word "fucking" with "finagling"?
RYAN: Why can't I just-
MR. PASSAMANO: Trust us? You can. Good luck guys.
(Litwak and Passamano walk away)
OLEANDER: Are you going to let them do this?!
(Ryan walks out on stage)
(Oleander and Scott reluctantly follow to see the huge crowd of fans. Scott takes his place behind the drums and Oleander picks up a guitar while Ryan goes up to the microphone. The banner behind them says "SEFESTER QUEST 2013")
RYAN: HELLO SOUTH BURLINGTON! (The crowd goes wild) WELCOME TO SEQUESTER FEST 2013! Or, (turns around and turns back) SEFESTER QUEST 2013! (The crowd goes wild) LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE LOW-INCOME CHILDREN WHO WILL BE FORCED OUT OF THE HEAD START PROGRAM! (Cut to a bunch of low-income children in the back, cheering, along with the rest of the crowd. Cut back to Ryan) LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE LONELY OLD RECLUSIVE PEOPLE WHO WILL LOSE MEALS FROM MEALS ON WHEELS! (Cut to a bunch of old people in the back, who look scared. The crowd cheers, cut back to Ryan) It's kind of weird that reclusive old people came to a concert, but…LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE MILITARY PERSONELL WHO WILL SOON BE FIGHTING HALF-NAKED WITH WATER GUNS! (Cut to soldiers in the back, cheering, along with the rest of the crowd, cut back to Ryan) AND LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR WHOEVER FUCKED UP THE BANNER! Woo! Okay. But finally, let's celebrate our newfound austerity with MOLATOV COCKTAILS! (The crowd cheers) But for really finally, let's defy the critics who say that Depraved Hallway Fern is soft. (The crowd cheers) Because before Blood on the Bar Scene, a band with whom we've always had a cordial relationship, we're going to play "PROOF OF PURCHASE"! (The crowd expresses confusion, as Scott and Oleander smile) GO! (Ryan starts singing as Scott plays drums and Oleander plays guitar) I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU'RE MY BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! WE'RE GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR KINDLY SOUL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! (Thirty-second instrumental) I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU'RE MY BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! WE'RE GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR KINDLY SOUL! I SEE YOU! I SEE YOU! CAN YOU SEE ME? I MUST BLIND MY-SELF, FOR THE GOOD OF THE TEAM! IF I DO NOT, THEN MA'AM, YOU'RE CAUGHT! I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN'T BE TAUGHT! (The music goes silent except for Ryan's singing and an occasional guitar riff. Ryan speaks this line more quietly this time) Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees. For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedyyyyy…(The songs ends and the crowd goes wild) THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
(Cut to Litwak and Passamano watching from backstage)
MR. LITWAK: What the hell was that?!
MR. PASSAMANO: That was the song they played for us originally!
MR. LITWAK: That wasn't palpable, that had too much think-about-stuff to…I didn't-get-I needed water for sleep! AGGHH! BRAIN HURT!
MR. PASSAMANO: They're fired, we can't work with them.
MR. LITWAK: I would rather work with a Canadian Albino Squirrel with a sexy haircut than these clowns.
(Litwak and Passamano looks towards each other)
LITWAK AND PASSAMANO: THE BIEBS!
(Litwak and Passamano walk away. Cut to DHF on stage)
RYAN: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY! Thank you so much for absorbing our REAL music into your veins. Please try to avoid absorbing anything else into your veins during the continuation of the concert or at least do it in the port-potties outside. Also, (Ryan takes out a scrap of paper) I've been told to inform the owner of a 2007 Jeep Compass to please move their car to make way for a better car. (He puts the scrap of paper away) Also, happy sequester, everybody. Learn how to distill your urine into potable water and keep calm and carry your overdosed friend to the back of your car. THANK YOU!
(Everybody cheers as Ryan, Scott and Oleander walks off stage. They go backstage and cheer and woo for themselves and hug each other. Then, Thrush and Veejay walk over as Ryan, Scott and Oleander turn towards them)
THRUSH: Your agents dumped you, big time.
VEEJAY: Also, you got your audience's anger all up in a dander, now they're going to be expecting anger from us. Do you think we can deliver that, wise guys?
RYAN: You're a scene band! So, no I don't think you can.
SCOTT: But that's the thing, you don't have to. We already did.
OLEANDER: And honestly, I think we can live with not having two opportunistic agents who were pubescent during the Battle of Wounded Knee order us around. Our stuff is good enough on its own.
RYAN: I can definitely live with it, I mean, I've been able to live with some pretty horrible things I've done, so I'll definitely be able to live with this.
SCOTT: That's true.
THRUSH: FINE! But you're back on our shit list. And that's a prestigious group! The only other person on it is a Yale Boy who panty raided my frat and of course Dahvie Vanity. Latro!
(Thrush and Veejay walk on stage. Ryan, Scott and Oleander hug each other. Cut to Kimberly meeting with Mrs. Alosa in Kimberly's office. Alosa is smoking a cigarette)
MRS. ALOSA: So basically Kim-Jam, I didn't want some monopoly selling me sports equipment. (Drag) It just ain't right.
KIMBERLY: I agree. Sorry, could you not smoke in here?
MRS. ALOSA: You Irish are such sticklers.
(She blows out her cig and throws it in the trash)
KIMBERLY: Aren't you the athletics director?
MRS. ALOSA: I got tenure.
MRS. ALOSA: I think, I don't know what tenure is, though.
KIMBERLY: Okay, well I appreciate that you want to come back.
MRS. ALOSA: I appreciate it too.
KIMBERLY: …Okay. (The doorbell rings) Hold on. (Kimberly gets up and walks to the door. She opens it to reveal Mel Grisham) Mel?
MEL: Hello, Kimberly.
KIMBERLY: What are you doing here?
MEL: Well, the lawsuit has been stressing me out, so I've been to every dive hole bar in town and I haven't had one drink. I'm a teetotaler, but I've had more than my fair share of olives. I realized that I can't find happiness in a monopoly any more than I can find happiness at the bottom of an olive jar, so I've decided to buy my company back from NBC-Universal.
KIMBERLY: Well, that's all nice and well and good and dandy and righteous and good, but the lawsuit goes on.
MEL: I know. But I'm looking for another partner to expand my business in Vermont. Would you…(He takes out a small ring box and opens it to reveal a chance card from Monopoly) merge with me?
KIMBERLY: Oh Mel, you've made this corporation the happiest legally-considered person on Earth!
(Mel and Kimberly hug. Cut to the dinner table. Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Mel and Rob are at the dinner table in nice clothing. Kimberly and Ethan are standing up at the head of the table with white wine glasses. There is a banner reading "HAPPY MERGER 2013" behind them)
MEL: That is a great banner.
ETHAN: Thanks, I have a banner guy, he's top-notch.
RYAN: Someone should hire him at Higher Ground.
ETHAN: Yes, before we get to the main festivities, let's give a round of applause to Ryan, who played at the Higher Ground last night.
(They all applaud and Ryan flips his hair, graciously)
KIMBERLY: Unfortunately for Madeline, her ex-boyfriend's an asshole.