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The Donahues Episode 9

Script By: NEONETWORK
Humor



Kimberly lets Ryan get an apartment and live semi-independently to teach him a lesson about adulthood, Jacob must hide his theatre class girlfriend from his friends, Ryan tries to apply for welfare during his independence, Sarah tries to avoid Logan, who is harassing her at the aquatic center and Ryan’s apartment-warming party ties everything together


Submitted:Jun 3, 2012    Reads: 7    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


THE DONAHUES

"CALL OF DUTY MODERN WELFARE"

TV-MA DLSV

"To keep the lamp alive, with oil we fill the bowl; T'is water makes the willow thrive and grace that feeds the soul."

- William Cowper

(We start with Ryan, wearing dark blue super skinny jeans and a black "Heart Vine" shirt, reading an anime called "Dead Letter" in the upstairs game room when Kimberly comes in with a pair of black super skinny jeans in his hand)

KIMBERLY Goddamnit Ryan, don't leave your jeans on the floor of your bedroom.

RYAN: Sorry, I couldn't find my hamper.

KIMBERLY: No kidding, because for some reason, it was on the roof.

RYAN: I knew I left it somewhere.

KIMBERLY: Also, you haven't cleaned the dishes, your room is a mess, my tissue boxes keep going messing-

RYAN: No, they don't.

KIMBERLY: Yes they do, and to top it all off, we can't start fires because you threw a trash bag down the chimney.

RYAN: I didn't want to have to take it to the curb!

KIMBERLY: But that's so much easier!

RYAN: Listen, I'll take care of this in a minute, but for now, Harushi just killed Go-cen and I really need to see how they manage to incorporate Japanese breasts into the storyline.

KIMBERLY: (Sighs) You know what? You want to be irresponsible? Fine. Go live on your own.

(Ryan puts down his book)

RYAN: Excuse me?

KIMBERLY: Go live on your own for a week and maybe you'll come back with a little empathy. I'm serious. I'll pay for everything at first, but I'll wean you off my support once you save enough from your job. Pack your bags; I'm buying you an apartment.

RYAN: Wow. This could actually be really interesting. Shouldn't you call dad?

KIMBERLY: Well…

(Cut to Ethan in the corner of a dark room masturbating and crying at the same time, while Mayor Sarandon and Tim have sex with two beautiful girls)

ETHAN: (Sobbing) I'M SO SORRY, KIMBERLY!

(Cut back)

KIMBERLY: He's having too much fun; I don't want to disturb him.

RYAN: Well, okay. Sure. I'll go pack.

(Ryan exits stage left. Cut to Jacob talking with Ross, Beckett, Peter and Lilly in the hallway at school during a passing period the following day. Jacob is wearing a plaid shirt and jeans)

JACOB: So the picture was tagged on Facebook, and that's why I'm never allowed at Mr. Chen's Vietnamese Restaurant again.

PETER: You'd think that they'd put a sign up or something if you couldn't piss in the fountain.

JACOB: What? I'm not allowed there again because we knocked over a table, did you piss in the dragon fountain at Mr. Chen's?

PETER: NO.

(Jacob's phone rings. He looks at it)

JACOB: Got to take this. (Picks it up and walks away from the group) Hello?

GIRL ON THE PHONE: Hey, Jakey.

JACOB: Hi, Kirsten. How are you doing?

KIRSTEN: I'm doing well. So, do you want to meet for a little bit in the theatre room? The teacher's drunk and asleep and we're just hanging out.

JACOB: Uh…sure. I'll be there soon.

KIRSTEN: What's with the hesitation?

JACOB: Uh…no…no hesitation. None.

KIRSTEN: Okay, you hesitated again.

JACOB: Uhhhhhhhh…No I, no…no I did…not?

KIRSTEN: You keep hesitating!

JACOB: Be right there!

(He hangs up and begins to walk away when Beckett turns around)

BECKETT: Where are you going, man? We still have ten minutes left in the passing period!

JACOB: I'm going to the bathroom; want to hold my dick you fag?

(They all laugh)

BECKETT: Do you think I could see it?

("Oohs" and high fives go all around the group. Cut back to Jacob waking he turns his head back, then pivots it back to see Ryan standing right in front of him, wearing black super skinny jeans and a black "Order of Dirt" t-shirt)

RYAN: Hi.

JACOB: JESUS! What?

RYAN: Guess who's going on their own?

JACOB: What?

RYAN: I am. Kimberly is going to pay for an apartment for me, and eventually I'm going to pay for everything, just so I can learn independence.

JACOB: You don't have your driver's license yet, though.

RYAN: Easy. I ride a bike.

JACOB: Fine. Could you get out of my way, though? I'm going somewhere.

RYAN: Where are you going with such intent?

JACOB: The, uh…

RYAN: What's with the hesitation?

JACOB: Why do people keep calling me out on that today?

RYAN: Spill it!

JACOB: I'm going to-OH MY GOD, IT'S A GUY WITH A SLACKED JAW AND A LIP RING!

RYAN: (Turns his head) WHERE? (Jacob runs away as Ryan turns back) …Fuck.

(Cut to Jacob entering the theatre auditorium, a huge room with rows of seats, a stage and an upstairs booth where audio and lights are handled. In the first seven or so rows, sit various bored High school students while a blonde woman in a blouse and skirt sits on a couch on stage sleeping with a bottle of gin in her hand. Kirsten, who is a moderately attractive skinny girl with brown hair, a purple shirt and skinny blue jeans, runs over to Jacob to hug him)

JACOB: Hey!

KIRSTEN: Hi!

(They unembrace)

KIRSTEN: How are you?

JACOB: I'm great! How are you?

KIRSTEN: I'm awesome, now that you're here.

JACOB: (Chuckles) Thank you. So, I can tell your teacher is dedicated to her job.

KIRSTEN: (Laughs) Yeah, well what would you do if you went to acting school for years and then ended up teaching a bunch of half-conscious people just trying to earn their arts credit?

JACOB: (Laughs) I'd probably be a drunk too.

KIRSTEN: Yeah.

(They kiss)

JACOB: So-(Hears voice in the distance) how about we, go over here?

(Jacob takes Kirsten to behind the curtain, where they start making out. Cut back to the door of the room. Beckett and Lilly enter, smoking cigarettes)

BECKETT: Hey, is she asleep?

STUDENT: Like a baby!

(Cut back to Jacob and Kirsten. Jacob stops making out with her)

JACOB: Listen, I have to get to class, I have a project to present.

KIRSTEN: Oh, okay. Bye.

JACOB: Bye.

(Jacob comes out from behind the curtain to see Beckett and Lilly)

JACOB: Hey guys.

LILLY: What are you doing here?

JACOB: I, uh…just,

BECKETT: You're hesitating again.

JACOB: FU-

(Cut to Sarah entering the Hansbay aquatic center, a huge indoor area with open swimming pools, multi-lane swimming pools, diving boards and people. She is wearing her normal emo clothes and is holding a gym bag. She runs into Logan)

LOGAN: Oh, hey!

SARAH: Hi…

LOGAN: I didn't know you went here, I've never seen you here before!

SARAH: I go here every day after school pretty much.

LOGAN: Oh, well this is my first time here.

SARAH: So the reason you've never seen me here is because you've never been here?

LOGAN: Yeah.

SARAH: So why did you-

LOGAN: So, you single right now?

SARAH: Yeah…

LOGAN: That's cool. So am I. I had a girlfriend for a while, but you know how things go.

SARAH: You guys drifted apart?

LOGAN: No, she was hit by a train.

SARAH: Jesus.

LOGAN: Yeah, left me a little bonkers. Three years in an asylum.

SARAH: How's your leg?

(Pan down to see the gauze around his leg where he was shot in episode 7)

LOGAN: It's getting better. It's been like two weeks, so.

SARAH: Cool. I have to go change-

LOGAN: So do I.

SARAH: By the way, should you really be swimming with a bum leg?

LOGAN: I really should be.

SARAH: Alright then, bye.

(Sarah leaves quickly, exiting stage left)

LOGAN: She's so into me.

(Logan Smirks and exits stage right. Cut to Ryan in his new apartment, sitting in on a couch, surrounded by boxes. Kimberly is standing nearby)

RYAN: Well, this seems acceptable.

KIMBERLY: Excuse me?

RYAN: It's awesome.

KIMBERLY: Thanks. Now I'm going to go home before someone kidnaps me in this ghetto-ass area. If someone does, use that picture of me laying in the field of flowers on the local news, make sure I look extra happy. Also, carry that switchblade I bought you everywhere.

(Kimberly exits stage right)

RYAN: Okay. Bye. (The door shuts behind her) Alrighty, then. What now? I have a lot of boxes, but so little time. Actually, I have plenty of time, I don't know what I'm talking about. Um…I'm bored. What to do? Wait, what am I thinking? I'm free! Free as…some sort of avian creature! I'm free…free falling…I should have a party here! Time to call up some people. (He takes out his cell phone and dials in a number) First, Brennan.

(Ryan holds it up to his ear. Cut to Brennan, who is petting a cat near a cage at the pound. He picks up the phone)

BRENNAN: Hello?

RYAN: (On the phone) Hey, Brennan, guess what? I have an apartment because my mom wants me to learn independence. So I'm hosting an impromptu party here. Apartment 24B! Are you in?

BRENNAN: Sorry, Ryan, but I'm putting down animals at the Hansbay Animal Shelter. This one's taking a short nap before its eternal nap. (A man whispers in his ear, and Brennan stops petting) Actually, someone just told me it's already dead.

RYAN: Damnit. Bye. (Ryan hangs up. Cut to Ryan on the phone with Sarah) Sarah! What's going on? Oh, you're swimming? Oh, okay, never mind. (Cut) Michael! You can make Vodka out of potatoes? Wow, take that information to my party. Oh, you're helping your dad make potato vodka? Okay. (Cut) Michelle? You're about to blow your brother's friend? Why would you tell me that? (Cut) Jacob! You're carving an ice sculpture? I doubt that somehow. (Cut) Josh? Hey, what's up? Robbing a shoe store? Why? (Cut) Elisa? Yeah, I'm the emo kid in your health class. I don't know how I got your number either. I know we've only spoken once. I know the one time I spoke to you I made sexist jokes. But, c'mon, It's a Friday night! Who else is coming? Scott, Max, Lamar, Daniel, Barbara, Connor, Alex, Lance, John, Courtney, Adam and Britney. Yeah, Brennan, Michelle, Michael, Sarah, Jacob, Ross, Beckett, Peter and Lilly could not make it. So can I put you down? Terrific. I look forward to it. Bye. (He hangs up) Okay, so I got a bunch of people I've only talked to once to come to my party! Yay?

(Cut to Jacob on the phone sitting on the couch with Kirsten watching a movie in the game room)

JACOB: Yeah, I'm making an ice sculpture. Well, you don't have to. Bye.

(Jacob hangs up)

KIRSTEN: Who was that?

JACOB: That was Little Lord Fag-leroy.

KIRSTEN: I don't get that reference.

JACOB: It's a play on words of a famous children's book published in 1886 by Frances Hodgson Burnett called "Little Lord Fauntleroy".

KIRSTEN: Wow, that's obscure. Anyway, I assume you were referring to Ryan?

JACOB: Also known as Fags Domino.

KIRSTEN: Do you have this like, planned out?

JACOB: Yeah, I have a bunch of them. (He pulls a list out of his back pocket) Fags and Fallacies in the name of science,

KIRSTEN: Also obscure.

JACOB: Big Fag Liar,

KIRSTEN: Not bad.

JACOB: The Five-Year Faggot.

KIRSTEN: That one was bad.

JACOB: Nah.

KIRSTEN: What did he want?

JACOB: He wanted me to come to some lame-ass party he's hosting at his new apartment.

KIRSTEN: Ryan owns an apartment?

JACOB: Yeah, my mom wants him to learn personal responsibility.

KIRSTEN: He doesn't even know how to shave properly without accidentally cutting his wrist, how's he going to manage an apartment?

JACOB: Is that what he tells you? (Doorbell rings) Let me get that. (He walks downstairs and opens the door to see Ross, Beckett, Peter and Lilly standing there. As soon as he opens the door, they start cheering)

ROSS: WOO!!!

PETER: YEAHHH!!!!

BECKETT: WOOT WOOT WOOT!

LILLY: C'mon slut!

JACOB: Stop!

(They all stop)

PETER: C'mon, bitch, get your shit and let's get stoned.

BECKETT: We have a huge-ass bong and this time, we're going all the way with it.

JACOB: We're going to have sex with it?

BECKETT: Yes.

JACOB: Wow, I was joking.

BECKETT: (Nervous) So was I.

LILLY: C'mon Jacob, we need you.

JACOB: No, I can't, I feel bad. I have a cold, I've been sleeping, I have the flu, I have a soufflé in the tunnel and I'm about to lose connection.

PETER: What?

JACOB: Hello?

ROSS: We're not on the phone!

BECKETT: What's the real reason you won't come with us?

JACOB: Obamacare?

LILLY: Oh, okay.

PETER: That's reasonable.

BECKETT: Yeah, I could see that.

ROSS: What?

(Kirsten walks down to the banister)

KIRSTEN: What's going on, Jacob?

BECKETT: Oh. Hi.

ROSS: S'up?

LILLY: Who's this?

JACOB: Um, this is…this is Kirsten, my girlfriend.

PETER: Excuse me?

JACOB: She's my girlfriend!

BECKETT: Isn't she in theatre?

KIRSTEN: You know, I'm right here, you can ask me.

BECKETT: Lilly, is she in theatre?

LILLY: I don't know.

KIRSTEN: Yes, I'm in theater.

BECKETT: Oh. Okay. Could we talk to Jacob outside for a second?

KIRSTEN: Fine.

(They take Jacob outside and close the door)

BECKETT: Dude, what are you doing?

JACOB: What? She's cute.

BECKETT: Of course she's cute, but the moment you start going for cute girls and stop going for beautiful girls who you know you can get easily, it's a slippery slope towards uggo fuggos.

PETER: Big time. Plus, she's a theatre kid and most of those kids are scrawny, asthmatic closeted homosexuals. You could be dealing with a lesbian.

ROSS: Guys, I think you're being unfair to Kirsten.

JACOB: Yeah, I agree.

ROSS: Thank you.

JACOB: No, not with you, I agree with them, I'll break it off tonight.

ROSS: What?

BECKETT: Good. We'll leave you to your devices, just break it to her easy and get out of there ASAP, you hear?

JACOB: This is my house, though.

BECKETT: Fine, get her out of there ASAP, you hear?

JACOB: Stop saying "you hear?"

BECKETT: Fine, but break it off.

JACOB: Okay. See you guys.

PETER: Bye!

(All but Ross rush towards Beckett's car)

ROSS: I think you're making a big mistake.

JACOB: I'm not going to break up with her, don't tell them.

ROSS: Are you serious?

BECKETT: (Offscreen) YOU COMIN' ROSS?

ROSS: Yeah.

(He runs back. Jacob goes inside. Cut to Sarah swimming laps in the pool. She gets to the end of her lap and stops. There is a man standing there wearing swim shorts)

SARAH: Sir, could you hand me my towel right there?

MAN: Sure.

(Cut back to Sarah. A towel is handed to her)

SARAH: Thank you. (She looks up to see Logan, wearing the exact same swim shorts as the other guy, handing her the towel) AH! JESUS!

LOGAN: Whoa, don't get too excited, it's just me.

SARAH: I wasn't excited, I was scared.

LOGAN: Yeah, so I just got a call from Ryan, he says there's a party at his apartment, and we should go there, now.

SARAH: Yeah, he called me, I said no.

LOGAN: C'mon, you know you want to come to that party with me.

SARAH: Not really.

LOGAN: What's the worst that could happen?

SARAH: I guess, getting raped?

LOGAN: By who?

SARAH: You really don't get it, do you?

LOGAN: Listen, I'm sorry if I've been annoying in the past,

SARAH: Or today?

LOGAN: I called you en emo bitch once and then I creepily commented that I wanted to-

SARAH: Wash yourself with my breath, yeah that was weird.

LOGAN: I know, but I really need to get back on the scene, ever since Susan died, I need a female companion, it doesn't even have to be a girlfriend, I just want to hang out with you.

SARAH: (Sighs) Ugh…fine. Let me get dressed.

LOGAN: Yes!

(Sarah gets out of the pool. Cut to Ryan in his apartment talking to Scott Alexander. In the background you can see Max, Lamar, Daniel, Barbara, Connor, Alex, Lance, John, Courtney, Adam and Britney)

RYAN: So…you're a bit of a hipster, I presume?

SCOTT: You've presumed wrongly.

RYAN: Oh yeah, I forget that hipsters never admit that they are hipsters.

SCOTT: I don't admit it because I ain't.

RYAN: So, those glasses are to assist your sight?

SCOTT: Yes, and these TOMS are to assist my aching feet!

RYAN: What about your beanie?

SCOTT: That, that is because I had, brain surgery, and they forgot to put the top of my head back on, so they gave me this cotton medical assistance device.

RYAN: I doubt that.

SCOTT: But who are you to talk? Why do you have all those bracelets on your wrist?

RYAN: I need these to remind myself that I like the bands on them, okay? How else am I going to know I like Cracked Bronchioles?

SCOTT: By listening to their music?

RYAN: No, I got to let people know I like them with bracelets.

SCOTT: It must take forever to get those on every morning.

RYAN: My record is fifteen minutes.

SCOTT: Jesus. Wait, record high or low?

(Logan and Sarah enter)

LOGAN: Hey everybody!

MAX: Logan, what are you doing here?

ADAM: And why are you with Sarah?

RYAN: That's a good question, why are you with Sarah?

LOGAN: (In unison with the other) We left for this shindig from the aquatic center.

SARAH: (In unison with the other) We ran into each other on the way up.

DANIEL: I'm more inclined to believe Logan.

SARAH: Fine. Yeah, we left from there.

LOGAN: Are there alcoholic beverages here?
ELISA: No, there isn't, which is fucking bullshit.

RYAN: Hey, I laid out cough syrup and ecstasy for everybody to enjoy!

LAMAR: Ryan, this isn't an emo shindig, you need variety.

RYAN: I do have variety, there's Nyquil, Robitussin, Maty's-

MAX: That's variety in cough syrup, not variety in substance abuse.

RYAN: Whatever, man, take two dicks and call me in the morning.

(Cut to Ryan and Elisa talking, Ryan is holding a bottle of Nyquil)

ELISA: So, how do you get away with doing so little in all your classes?

RYAN: Here's the trick, Elisa, don't check your grades.

ELISA: You do realize that's not a trick, right?

RYAN: Well, I'm on my own now. And I have a job, and I'm going to become very successful, even in this bleak neighborhood.

(Cut to Monday. Ryan is sitting in front of a desk, waiting. The door behind him shows a seal for the Vermont Department for Children and Families. A man in a suit walks in, shakes hands with Ryan and sits behind the desk)

MAN: It's nice to meet you, I am Chris Corker. I understand you filled out an application for our TANF program, correct?

RYAN: I think. What is TANF?

CHRIS: It's the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program. Also known as welfare.

RYAN: Yes, I applied for that.

(Chris takes out the application)

CHRIS: So, it says here you have a minor that depends on you, but you the information you list for yourself and the minor are exactly the same, both born on June 6, 1995, same eye color, same everything.

RYAN: Yes, because I am sixteen, and I depend on…myself.

(Ryan smiles)

CHRIS: Okay. Yeah, it does seem strange that you are only sixteen and you are living on your own.

RYAN: It is, but it's true.

CHRIS: Yeah, it's also illegal.

RYAN: …What?

CHRIS: The legal age of emancipation is eighteen, not sixteen. Your parents are in violation of the law.

(Kimberly comes through the door)

KIMBERLY: Sir, do you really think I'm letting Ryan live on his own?

CHRIS: He just said he was living on his own!

KIMBERLY: I'm following him everywhere. I'm putting money in his post office box. I rented an apartment below his to make sure I was taking care of him indirectly, almost like a ghost mother, so don't accuse ME of violating the law!

CHRIS: Okay, Jesus. Wait, if you're giving him cash, why is he applying for welfare benefits?

KIMBERLY: Because he's an idiot who obviously doesn't check his post office box.

RYAN: The second part is true.

KIMBERLY: I only said one part.

RYAN: No, you said I was an idiot too.

KIMBERLY: That was all one big part.

CHRIS: People! People! Neither of you qualify for welfare benefits, okay? Your husband works for the Mayor and Ryan is not living on his own, so just get out of here.

RYAN: What if I…take care of you, downstairs?

CHRIS: Well, that's an interesting proposition. (Cut to Ryan cleaning the floors with a mop on the first story of the Vermont Department for Children and Families building while Chris and Kimberly stand a few feet away) You have to sweep in circles, not back and forth.

RYAN: Fine!

(Cut back to the party three days earlier. Sarah and Logan are on the couch)

LOGAN: So, are you feeling it?

SARAH: I took the ecstasy literally seven seconds ago.

LOGAN: Well, I took it a lot longer ago than you did. Ohhhh…I want to jump on this FUCKIN' couch!

SARAH: Quiet.

(Logan gets up and jumps on the couch. Cut to Ryan and Connor, one of the racist gays, making out on ecstasy)

RYAN: (In between kissing) You're a racist asshole…

CONNOR: (In between kissing) Well you're a Jew bastard…

RYAN: (In between kissing) I'm not Jewish…

CONNOR: (In between kissing) Oh. I thought Donahue sounded Jewish.

(Cut to Scott and Barbara talking in the kitchen)

SCOTT: Ecstasy is too mainstream a drug for me. I'm going to drink gasoline.

(Scott holds up a gallon of gasoline)

BARBARA: It might actually be cheaper to buy ecstasy.

(They both laugh. Cut to Adam and Britney dancing really quickly to house music with the lights off. Both are sweating and clearly on ecstasy)

ADAM: What if Kim Jong-Il and Chairman Mao founded the NBA?!

BRITNEY: What?!

ADAM: That'd be crazy!?

BRITNEY: Did you take LSD too?!

ADAM: I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS LIKE TAKE A PILL, LEAVE A PILL, THERE WAS THE TRAY I TOOK A FEW AND I LEFT THE ADVIL I HAD BROUGHT HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO DO?? NOW SHUT UP BITCH, AND LET'S DANCE BEFORE CHAIRMAN MAO'S ADVANCING ARMIES OF BASKETBALL PLAYERS KILL ME ON THE SPOT!

BRITNEY: You want to be my new man slut?!

ADAM: ABSOLUTELY, POL POT!

BRITNEY: Why do you always imagine Asian dictators when you're on LSD?!

ADAM: FUCKING KISS ME!

(They start making out. Pan out to the entire room to see Ryan and Connor making out, Sarah and Logan making out, Adam and Britney making out, Scott and Barbara making out, Alex, Lance and John are taking turns making out with each other, Max and Elisa making out and Lamar is implied to be masturbating in the kitchen. Then, Jacob and Kirsten enter)

JACOB: Hell-oh my God.

(Ryan stops making out with Connor and jumps four times over to Jacob)

RYAN: HEY!

JACOB: Calm down, what is going on here?

RYAN: X PARTY, BRO! FOR REALS!

JACOB: Calm yourself, this is fucked up, there are people making out with each other that should not be making out with each other, you were making out with a guy and there's a dude in the kitchen jerking it.

RYAN: YEAH, DUDE, HE'S GOING BLIND LIKE CHEN GUANGCHENG IN THERE, WHO CARES?

JACOB: Wow, that's offensive.

RYAN: WE'RE ALL PART OF ONE BIG WORLD ANYWAY, WHY SHOULD WE BE ASHAMED OF OUR BODIES, YOU KNOW, IT'S SOCIETY-

JACOB: Shut up! Okay? Just shut up! Your diet consists entirely of Monster, Mountain Dew, ecstasy and the mystery foods that you don't eat in front of us because it's "weird" to eat in front of other people.

(Madeline comes in and stands right next to Ryan)

RYAN AND MADELINE: IT IS WEIRD!

(Ryan and Madeline embrace and Madeline leaves)

JACOB: Where did she even come from?! And why do you two always do that?? Ugh, we're leaving.

(Peter, Ross, Lilly and Beckett come in)

PETER: Hey, party people-oh Jesus, too many things to comprehend.

BECKETT: First off, what are you doing here with Kirsten, Jacob?

LILLY: Yeah, you said you were going to cut her loose tonight.

KIRSTEN: WHAT? You said that?

JACOB: Yeah, but I wasn't going to do it! I just told them that so I could pretend like I wasn't dating you so I wouldn't be the guy dating the theatre chick to them! Understand?

KIRSTEN: …You're an asshole, and a pussy.

(Kirsten storms out and slams the door behind her)

ROSS: Wow.

JACOB: Why didn't you stop them from going here, Ross?

ROSS: I didn't know you two were coming here!

JACOB: Goddamnit, there's got to be someone to blame here!

RYAN: Blame yourself.

JACOB: Shut up, Ryan.

RYAN: Sounds like someone's grumpy.

JACOB: Don't talk like that, Jesus.

RYAN: Maybe someone could use a…TICKLE!

(Ryan begins tickling Jacob but Jacob immediately puts Ryan in a chokehold)

JACOB: HUH? YOU LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING EMO FAGGOT?! RUINED MY FUCKING NIGHT, I RUIN YOURS!

RYAN: (Out of breath) YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU'RE HURTING ME!

(Beckett and Logan run over to restrain Jacob, which they do, and Ryan falls to his knees with one hand on the ground, gasping for air. Sara runs over and puts her hand on his back)

SARAH: Are you okay?

RYAN: (Heavy breath) Yeah…(Heavy breath)

LOGAN: What the hell is wrong with you, man?

JACOB: …I don't know. Oh God…Ryan, I'm so sorry.

RYAN: FUCK YOU! LEAVE!

JACOB: Okay. Sorry again.

(Jacob leaves in a hurry. Pan out from Ryan's exasperated state. Cut to Ryan at his post office box on Tuesday morning. He takes out his key to open it and takes out an envelope from the Vermont Department for Children and Families)

RYAN: Hell yeah, let's see what luxury car I'm buying today. (He opens it up and sees a check for twelve dollars) …Are you kidding me? TWELVE DOLLARS? Well, thanks, government. Now I can buy some Hot Wheels! This is just fantastic!

(Cut to Kimberly's rented apartment. She is writing something down in a journal. A knock occurs at the door)

KIMBERLY: Come in!

(Ryan opens the door and walks in)

RYAN: Mom…I've learned my lesson, so…take me back?

KIMBERLY: You've learned your lesson, really?

RYAN: Yeah, I also just got a check from VDFC for twelve dollars, so, I'm feeling mighty comfy in the safety net, the only problem is, it's made completely out of gum and shoe strings, so please take me back!

KIMBERLY: On three conditions.

RYAN: Okay.

KIMBERLY: Clean up after yourself.

RYAN: Yes.

KIMBERLY: Don't do weird things like put your hamper on the roof or put our garbage down the chimney.

RYAN: Fair enough.

KIMBERLY: Also, never do whatever the hell you were doing on Friday night, I was down here, I could hear it.

RYAN: We played Twister!

KIMBERLY: I don't remember Twister involving a lot of yelling out the names of Asian dictators and jumping up and down.

RYAN: Oh, Adam.

KIMBERLY: Just, please refrain from that.

RYAN: Fine.

KIMBERLY: Okay. I'll have you back. Go pack your bags.

RYAN: Awesome! Can we go to the Cheesecake Factory after we rescind our welfare benefits?

KIMBERLY: Why not? You get to mooch off my disposable income again!

RYAN: Sweet! Hey, what are those papers for?

KIMBERLY: Oh, I was just listing all the things that Scott did on Friday night. Ellen is going to be livid.

RYAN: You're still doing that?

KIMBERLY: Yeah, I don't want to go to jail. By the way, I heard Jacob say something someone making out with another guy, that was Scott, right?

RYAN: YES.

KIMBERLY: Okay, I thought so. She's going to be so angry.

END





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