"THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA"
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEXUAL SITUATIONS.
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GREEK TOURISM ORGANIZATION
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus,
Penelope, Telemachus, Antinious, Eurymachus, Polyphemus, Circe,
Calypso, Hermes, Helios, Adreines, Oedipus Rex, Anavete and
Elpenor on the same island? Find out in…THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA.
(Cut to everyone in the Royal room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Morning, everyone. Today the challenge involves
everyone buddying up, and taking care of a Centaur together. At
the end of the week, we'll see how you guys did.
ODYSSEUS: Don't pair Oedipus up with his mother! (Everyone starts
OEDIPUS: If I could see you, I'd be strangling you right now.
KEVIN SPACEY: Please, people. This is about getting along. So,
there are thirteen of you. And what is thirteen times two?
KEVIN SPACEY: Yes!
HELIOS: So how would that affect anything?
KEVIN SPACEY: And thirteen divided by two is six point five, so
we're going to need a group of three. So let's see.
OEDIPUS REX- ELPENOR
KEVIN SPACEY: Perfect! Now let's get centaurin'.
TELEMACHUS: Centaur is not a verb…
KEVIN SPACEY: …I don't like that kid.
(Cut to Odysseus and Antinious in a stall with a Minotaur.)
ODYSSEUS: Um…this is bulls**t. Metaphorically.
ANTINIOUS: And physically.
ODYSSEUS: I don't want to take care of this crap and piss
machine, I already have Telemachus.
ANTINIOUS: Dude, he's like, twenty.
ODYSSEUS: Oh yeah…well I still don't want to do this.
ANTINIOUS: Last episode, Eurymachus, Elpenor and I agreed to form
a pact, to exact revenge on that deviant little scallop, known as
Odysseus. This is going to be sweet.
ODYSSEUS: We should probably feed it. It looks hungry.
ANTINIOUS: If we feed it, that just makes it weaker. We should
starve it for a little while, and then it will learn to
appreciate its food more.
ODYSSEUS:…Yeah that'll work.
ANTINIOUS: What do you doubt me?
ODYSSEUS: No, all I'm saying is that you mooched off my family
for twenty years, so maybe appreciating food isn't your
ANTINIOUS: Hey man, we already resolved this issue when you
killed me and sent me to hades. Okay? It's time to move on.
ODYSSEUS: Okay, fine.
ANTINIOUS: It's never time to move on.
(Cut to Penelope and Eurymachus in their Minotaur stall.)
PENELOPE: I should not be in here. This is a man's job.
EURYMACHUS: No kidding. So why don't you go through your
menstrual cycles while I feed the ccentaur.
(The Centaur bucks.)
EURYMACHUS: He's a feisty one.
CENTAUR: Don't call me feisty, that sounds faggy.
PENELOPE: Sweet Helios…
EURYMACHUS: Oh yeah, I forgot you guys could talk.
CENTAUR: Not only can we talk, but we can remember too. And I
remember this fine piece of ass over here.
PENELOPE: Excuse me?
CENTAUR: Remember two weeks ago? You and your fatty boyfriend
rode me through the fields of motherf**kin' North Ithaca.
Goddamn, that was exciting. Until that a**hole beat the s**t out
EURYMACHUS: What are you, a sailor?
PENELOPE: Oh yeah, I remember you. You were a dick. Why were you
such a dick?
CENTAUR: Listen sweetheart, in my years of being on the Centaur
scene, I've learned a thing or two. Chicks dig jerks.
PENELOPE: Is that why you are trying to flirt with a girl you met
two weeks ago, Centaur?
CENTAUR: Listen, my name ain't f**king Centaur. My name is
Anavete. And I am indeed, not married or in a long-term
relationship, I'm out on the prowl.
PENELOPE: Well, I am married. So, you don't touch me.
ANAVETE: You s**ttin' me? I could beat the hell out of your pussy
PENELOPE: Sure about that, tough guy?
ANAVETE: Sure as hell. He only beat me the first time because I
hadn't worked out my hooves that morning.
EURYMACHUS: …You're a Centard. OH SNAP!
ANAVETE: Regardless, I still wanna beat that doucheclown up!
PENELOPE: I can arrange for that.
(Cut to Circe and Adrienes with their Centaur.)
CIRCE: This Centaur could be fed, groomed and given a h***job all
ADRIENES: But that's not fun or interesting. It's also really
gross. Do you think magic can solve all your problems?
ADRIENES: I know magic could probably solve some of my problems…
CIRCE: Listen buddy, I don't do magic, I do witchcraft!
ADRIENES: Well, I actually have some problems of my own that
could be solved, so…
CIRCE: Like what?
ADRIENES: Someone raped my daughter, and I can't kill the bastard
unless I know who he or she is.
CIRCE: Through process of elimination, I can deduce the rapist.
Let's put up all the suspects.
(She magically reveals a chalkboard, and write the following on
CIRCE: Okay, we can rule out Penelope because she's a
woman,(Penelope's name disappears.) We can also rule out
Telemachus because that fine piece of ass does not need to rape,
because any girl would give him consent.
(Adrienes looks at Circe wide-eyed.)
ADRIENES: Hold on one second, why the hades am I on the suspect
CIRCE: I'LL GET TO THAT! Okay, so then there's Antinious, he is
an a**hole, so we are not going to rule him out. Odysseus is an
TV-male, but we found out last week that he's capable of such
ADRIENES: But we found out that Telemachus was capable of those
CIRCE: SHUT UP! Okay, so Eurymachus is also a suspect, he's ugly
and smells like old spaghetti. Polyphemus is also a suspect,
because he is an ugly, one-eyed son of a whore.
ADRIENES: Why'd you put yourself up there?
CIRCE: POSIEDON OF THE SEA, WILL YOU NOT SHUT YOUR GODDAMN
CIRCE: Okay, now I am ruled out because I am a woman, and that
goes for Calypso. Hermes is a god, so he's not a suspect. The
same goes for Helios. You are a suspect, of course.
ADRIENES: I'M a suspect?
CIRCE: Yes, you always look at the family in these cases.
CENTAUR: Can you guys feed me?
CIRCE AND ADRIENES: PISS OFF, CENTAUR.
KEVIN SPACEY: Before the break, Circe and Adrienes were
discussing who raped his daughter…
CIRCE: Oedipus Rex already has his share of sexual issues, plus
be's blind so he may have thought he was banging an older girl.
Elpenor's a dick, and an alcoholic, I wouldn't put it past him.
And Kevin Spacey hasn't been banged in ten years, so my suspect
list is now narrowed down to…
ADRIENES: Down to eight people. Hmm…
(Cut to Polyphemus and Telemachus with their Centaur.)
TELEMACHUS: Well, we should feed it.
POLYPHEMUS: What? Sorry I'm day dreaming…
TELEMACHUS: Oh well thanks for the help.
POLYPHEMUS: Sorry, okay? What do you want to do to this stupid
Centaur. I don't like this reality show, I just do it to get
TELEMACHUS: Hold on. (Feeds the Centaur an apple.) There, that
can hold it over. So ho are you and Circe?
POLYPHEMUS: Eh, okay. She forgave me for the whole Helen thing. I
think we're at a normal level now.
TELEMACHUS: Tell me something, have you guys…done certain actions
TELEMACHUS: How? You are enormous, she is average-sized…
POLYPHEMUS: Oh she can climb. And I can lay down. They don't call
me "Very Famous" for nothing.
TELEMACHUS: …Gross. Do you guys skull f**k? (Giggles.)
POLYPHEMUS: Oh, yeah, laugh it up, but your joke doesn't make
sense, because if we were to do that, I would stick mine in hers,
not the other way around.
TELEMACHUS: (Still giggling) Unless Circe has a d**k? (Breaks out
POLYPHEMUS: Sweet Helios…GROW UP!
(Circe walks in.)
POLYPHEMUS: Hey, baby.
TELEMACHUS: Hi, Circe.
CIRCE: (Sensually) Hello…
(Polyphemus looks confused.)
POLYPHEMUS: So, what do you want?
CIRCE: Well, I just want to question you two about the Rape of
TELEMACHUS: No need, he already asked us two weeks ago when we
sailed to Troy.
CIRCE: But you guys didn't answer!
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, because HE changed the subject.
CIRCE: Oh. Well can I ask you questions?
POLYPHEMUS: Please do.
CIRCE: Did you rape his daughter?
POLYPHEMUS: What? C'mon, that's not fair. I did not rape
TELEMACHUS: And neither did I.
CIRCE: Well of course YOU didn't I already ruled you out as a
POLYPHEMUS: But you didn't rule out your BOYRFRIEND?
CIRCE: No, I said I DID rule out Telema-oh you mean you.
POLYPHEMUS: Of course I mean me. Telemachus isn't your boyfriend.
CIRCE: Oh yeah…he isn't.
(Awkward silence. Cut to Hermes, Helios and Calypso with their
HELIOS: I owned sheep, and the best way to take care of sheep is
to refrain from eating them.
(Odysseus runs in and takes a big bite of the Centaur.)
HELIOS: POSIEDON OF THE SEA! WHAT THE HADES ARE YOU DOING???
ODYSSEUS: It's like forbidden fruit! How could I resist?
CENTAUR: AGGH!! GET OFF ME, ASSHOLE!
(Hermes pulls Odysseus off of the centaur.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: Before the break, Circe was trying to
find out who raped Adrienes' daughter, Anavete is talking tough
to Penelope and Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus continue to
plot against Odysseus, all the while in groups taking care of
(Cut to Penelope and Odysseus behind one of the Centaur sheds.)
PENELOPE: Listen, this guy Anavate, is talkin' s**t about you.
Saying he could beat you up. Are you going to take that?
ODYSSEUS: Who is this Anavete?
PENELOPE: Remember the dickwad from the Centaur-riding place in
ODYSSEUS: Oh yeah. Dude, I already beat the crap out of him. I
don't need to do it again.
PENELOPE: But he says he's worked out since then.
ODYSSEUS: It was two weeks ago for Zeus' sake, what could have
(Anavete gallops up.)
PENELOPE: OH S**T.
ODYSSEUS: Stand back, Penelope. It's time for me to take out the
(Odysseus picks up a garbage bag, walks over to his mailbox and
places it there, and then walks back.)
ODYSSEUS: Now it's time for me to physically harm a random
douchebag from the slums of Ithaca.
(Odysseus swings a punch, and gets Anavete in the face. Anavete
bucks him in the balls, and Odysseus kicks him in the shins, and
they fight and wrestle for several minutes.)
PENELOPE: GO ODYSSEUS!
ANAVETE: That Odysseus guy is pretty f**kin' strong.
(Cut to Circe in the fireplace room where Telemachus, Polyphemus,
Calypso, Hermes, Kevin Spacey, Helios, Adrienes and Oedipus Rex
CIRCE: Well, gentlemen. Thank you for coming today. Wait, where
the hades are Odysseus, Penelope, Antinious, Elpenor and
TELEMACHUS: They're busy with their subplots. I mean, with other
CIRCE: Well I have questioned all of you regarding the RAPE of
Adrienes' daughter, Ouija. But none of you have confessed. But I
have found evidence in a sperm sample taken from the crime scene
and I conclusively conclude that it was…
(Close-up of everyone's anxious face.)
POLYPHEMUS: What? NO I DIDN'T!
CIRCE: YES YOU DID, YOU FILTHY RAPIST!
TELEMACHUS: Oh my Zeus, it was me for god's sakes. I raped Ouija.
CIRCE: What? But I eliminated you as a suspect.
TELEMACHUS: Well that was dumb, because I did it.
ADRIENES: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(Adrienes tackles Telemachus, and they wrestle on the ground for
TELEMACHUS: What a fight. I don't like it when they fight.
(Cut to Odysseus and Anavete, both bloodied up, on the ground,
with Penelope watching on.)
ODYSSEUS: Helios…ugh…um, you win.
ANAVETE: No that's ridiculous…you clearly win…
ODYSSEUS: Nonsense…you do…
PENELOPE: This is pathetic.
ANAVETE: Please…just accept victory…
PENELOPE: You have a tiny d**k, Odysseus.
ANAVETE: I will not…I can not…
(Circe brings Telemachus over.)
CIRCE: King Odysseus, Telemachus admitted to the rape of 16-year
old Ouija, daughter of Adrienes.
ODYSSEUS: (Gets up.) Is that so?
CIRCE: Uh…yeah…what the hades happened to you?
ODYSSEUS: Listen, if your thinking punishment, there are no
anti-rape laws here, and he's my son so I think an apology would
CIRCE: Just an apology? I could turn him into a pig instead!
ODYSSEUS: If you do that, I will tape your P***y to Polyphemus'
CIRCE: Apology it is!
(Cut to Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus in the emptied out
ELPENOR: So here's the deal: We frame him for the rape of
Adrienes' daughter, and we ruin his reputation!
ANTINIOUS: That's good.
EURYMACHUS: So devious, yet so simple.
ANTINIOUS: You say that about everything.
(Cut to Telemachus apologizing to a tied-up Adrienes while Circe,
Odysseus and Penelope look on.)
TELEMACHUS: I am sorry that I raped your daughter. It was wrong
ODYSSEUS: That's a good boy.
CIRCE: No hard feelings?
ADRIENES: I WILL F**K YOU SO HARD IN THE ANUS YOU WILL BLEED GOAT
CIRCE: See? No hard feelings. So, uh…Telemachus…want to go out
TELEMACHUS: Uh, what about Polyphemus?
CIRCE: Oh, we're through.
POLYPHEMUS: (Offscreen) WE ARE?
TELEMACHUS: Okay. A week from today at eight.
TELEMACHUS: Send me a bird with a note in its beak.
(He walks away. She smiles. Antinious, Eurymachus and Elpenor
ANTINIOUS: We have an announcement to make!
EURYMACHUS: ODYSSEUS WAS THE ONE THAT RAPED OUJA!
ODYSSEUS: It's already been established that my son did it, s**t
ANAVETE: Hey, I need some money. Can I join the show?
(Kevin Spacey comes in.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Sure!
(Oedipus Rex enters.)
OEDIPUS: Yeah, all the neglected Centaurs are going crazy out
(A bunch of noise is made.)
OEDIPUS: I can't see, but I can hear them coming towards us.
ODYSSEUS: OH F**K.
(A large amount of Centaurs rush in and run over everybody and
knock out the camera. Cut to everyone in the royal room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Nobody may call Anavete an anti-social anarchist
trying to make the radio.
ODYSSEUS: We've mostly been calling him a half-bull, half-f*g. I
mean, I don't even know what a radio is.
KEVIN SPACEY: It's something that plays mainstream music and a
destination for pundits to talk out their respective a**holes.
KEVIN SPACEY: Now remember, Anavete is a paid member of the cast.
So he is a respectable member of this show and you must treat him
with the utmost respect. Respect.
TELEMACHUS: Do you get paid every time you say respect?
KEVIN SPACEY: No. Respect. Respect. Respect.
TELEMACHUS: Stop that!
KEVIN SPACEY: Sure. Now, today's challenge is a bit of a hard
one, you must reconnect with your roots and visit your homeland.
OEDIPUS REX: Uh, yeah, my mother committed suicide and I killed
KEVIN SPACEY: Then just go to their gravestones or something. You
won't see them anyway!
(They all laugh.)
ANAVETE: But I just left my homeland to do this f**king reality
show! I'm already tied down here.
KEVIN SPACEY: Well untie yourself asshole, because you're going
to the fields of North Ithaca.
ODYSSEUS: You said almost that exact same thing to me in episode
KEVIN SPACEY: Shut it! Now, Odysseus, you are going to visit your
father Laertes. He resides on the Greek island of Flroida.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, god…I hate visiting them. They always criticize my
sandals and scold me for eating those Helios sheep.
HELIOS: Well it was a dick move.
ODYSSEUS: I know, but that's in the past now. It's time to move
on to the future. But fine, I'll visit Laertes and Ma.
KEVIN SPACEY: Wait, I remember you saying that your parents were
ODYSSEUS: Yeah, I wish.
POLYPHEMUS: I of course, will go to the island of Cyclopes, to
reunite with my fellow man.
ODYSSEUS: Can you really call them men?
POLYPHEMUS: Piss off. I'm going!
PENELOPE: I want to meet your parents, Odysseus.
KEVIN SPACEY: No can do. You are visiting your parents.
PENELOPE: My parents are dead.
KEVIN SPACEY: …Fine.
ODYSSEUS: My parents can be a little irritating. I dislike them
very much. But I love them…oh god…
(Cut to Odysseus on a ship with Penelope.)
ODYSSEUS: Don't worry, Penelope, we're almost there.
PENELOPE: I wasn't worrying.
(The Dave Matthews Band starts playing.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh no Penelope! The siren songs! We're going to sink!
ODYSSEUS: In order to avoid seeing my parents, I decided to bribe
a band to pretend like they are the sirens. Unfortunately, there
is nothing even remotely appealing about the Dave Matthews Band,
and they were the only ones available.
PENELOPE: Um, this is some sh***y sirens. How are people drawn in
ODYSSEUS: God Damnit, you're right.
(Cut to Polyphemus in a handcrafted boat, about to be pushed out
POLYPHEMUS: This is going to be sweet! (He uses his foot and
pushes it out to sea.) This is going to be great!
POLYPHEMUS: This is going to suck.
OEDIPUS REX: My mother committed suicide after she found out that
she had married her son, and I killed my father, that is why, I'm
instead going to retrace my roots by going to see my father's
TELEMACHUS: I was born here, so I'm going to stay here.
ANTINIOUS: I am going to see my father Euphietes. He's the one
who taught me how to wait until someone's husband was dead so you
can marry him. He was a great man.
CIRCE: I am going back to my homeland of Aeaea. That's easy to
pronounce, shut up.
CALYPSO: I am going back to Ogygia. I'm going tear that ugly
monument to Elpenor on my island, the drunk bastard.
HERMES: I'm going to the God's circle. I belong there anyway. I
got orgies to do.
HELIOS: I'm packing my bags, and going to Thrinacia. Those sheep
ain't going to feed themselves. In fact, they're probably dead.
ADRIENES: I'm going to go to my house on the island of Srubarbua
and spend time with my daughter. She's a little shaken up,
because of Telemachus, that little s**t.
ELPENOR: I'm stowing away on Odysseus and Penelope's ship so I
can exact REVENGE on Odysseus on the island Flroida. It's going
be sweet, sweet, revenge. Especially with all those Flroida
oranges. You know, there's a lot of old people there, and jews.
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope knocking on the door of a large
palace. Laertes and Ma open up.)
ODDYSEUS: MA! DAD! Nice to see you!
(They hug, and Penelope hugs them too.)
MA: Penelope, you look great.
PENELOPE: Thank you, very much. I try.
MA: Indeed. Come in, come in.
(They all come in. Cut to Polyphemus knocking on a rock blocking
his old cave. A Cyclops comes out.)
CYCLOPS: HOLY S**T, LOOK WHO THE F**K IT IS!
POLYPHEMUS: Hey Kakocpios, how you doing?
KAKOCPIOS: A lot better than you, you c**ksucka, come in you son
of a bitch!
(He comes in, and they let the camera crew in. There are many
other Cyclops in there drinking wine and being obnoxious.)
KAKOCPIOS: So how the f**k are you doin' eh?
POLYPHEMUS: Good, I'm good.
KAKOCPIOS: Man, this a**hole never fought when he was here as a
kid, got his f**king eye poked out by that Odysseus chode, and
now he's a pussy, and he's on f**king national TV.
POLYPHEMUS: Well, my eye recovered, so yeah.
KAKOCPIOS: Yeah, whatever. So do you wanna get f**ked up?
KAKOCPIOS: LOOK AT THIS PUSSY! "SURE!" (They all laugh.) C'MON
PUSSY, YOU WANNA GET F**KED UP?
POLYPHEMUS: Uh…HADES YEAH!
KAKOCPIOS: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT MOTHAF**KA! BRING OUT
THE GODDAMN WINE BONG! F**K YEAH!
(They bring out the wine bong and they stick it in his mouth and
he starts chugging wine. They all start wooing.)
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope at a dinner table. Behind them is
Laertes and Ma making dinner.)
ODYSSEUS: So how are you liking Vista Eatripia?
LAERTES: Oh, it's great. There's a pool, an orgy room, exercise
room, I'm the president of the Condo association here.
ODYSSEUS: Is that right?
LAERTES: Yeah. I'm in charge of funding and development, and
ODYSSEUS: That's pretty special.
LAERTES: So, (sits down with Odysseus.) How's Ithaca?
ODYSSEUS: Uh, it's running smoothly.
LAERTES: Well good.
MA: You haven't eaten any Helios sheep have you?
ODYSSEUS: Ma, why do you always have to bring that up?
MA: Because it was a screw-up, honey.
ODYSSEUS: Why do you always have to remind me of it then?
MA: So you'll learn your lesson. I mean, why can't you be more
ODYSSEUS: Sweet Zeus, ma, Achilles is dead, he was shot in the
heel and he died.
MA: He's not dead. He lives a few miles from here, he comes over
for dinner sometimes.
ODYSSEUS: WHAT? THAT DICK IS STILL ALIVE?
MA: Yeah, he just has an injured heel.
ODYSSEUS: OH, POSEIDON OF THE SEA, STRIKE ME DOWN DEAD.
(Cut to Telemachus and Kevin Spacey sitting on a throne-like
couch in Telemachus' part of palace.)
KEVIN SPACEY: So this is where you hang out?
TELEMACHUS: Yep. I'm reconnecting with my roots right here. I
have an Xbox.
KEVIN SPACEY: What? I'm almost positive they don't have Xboxes in
TELEMACHUS: No, we do. BRING OUT THE XBOX!
(A servant comes out with a marble box with an X on it and sets
it down on a marble pedastool.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Oh, yeah that's not the XBOX I was thinking of.
TELEMACHUS: What's your idea of an XBOX?
KEVIN SPACEY: A uh…nevermind.
(Peisistratus comes in.)
PEISISTRATUS: S'up, Telemachus?
KEVIN SPACEY: Who's he?
TELEMACHUS: Oh, he's my friend. He traveled with me when I was
trying to find my dad.
KEVIN SPACEY: Nice to meet you.
PEISISRATUS: Yeah, whatever. So, hey wanna play with the XBOX?
TELEMACHUS: Totally bro, let's do it.
(They both touch the box and start chanting. Mystical colors rise
from the box and whip through the air. They eventually form into
an attractive woman face.)
FACE: Hello, TELEMACHUS and PEISISTRATUS. How are you today?
TELEMACHUS: We're good…
PEISISTRATUS: Really good…
FACE: That is good. Who is this gentleman behind you?
TELEMACHUS: Oh, he's some actor from the future named Kevin
FACE: Oh is he now? Hello, KEVIN SPACEY, I am Loavkin Yuvaika.
KEVIN SPACEY: What the hell is she?
TELEMACHUS: She's the ideal woman. Oh god, how I would kill to
get that beautiful set of lips on my-
KEVIN SPACEY: Okay, enough of that.
KEVIN SPACEY: Phew…
TELEMACHUS: And my d**k.
KEVIN SPACEY: Jesus Christ…
LOAVKA: Who is this Jesus Christ of which you speak?
KEVIN SPACEY: Eh, what's the difference? He's only the lord and
savior who in 701 years time will be born and then 31 years later
die for your sins.
PEISISRATUS: Shut up, man. She's licking her lips.
(She licks her lips.)
KEVIN SPACEY: This is pathetic.
(Circe comes in.)
CIRCE: I'm about to go to Aeaea. If anyone wants to go with me,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
TELEMACHUS: Can we bring the XBOX?
CIRCE: Sure, whatever.
PEISISTRATUS: Sweet! I'm coming.
(TO BE CONTINUED)