"THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA"
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEXUAL SITUATIONS.
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
BROUGHT TO YOU BY BMW
KEVIN SPACEY VOICOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus,
Penelope, Circe, Achilles, Polyphemus, Peisistratus, Eurylochus,
Eurymachus, Helios, Laertes, Anavete, Oedipus Rex, Polyxena,
Polites and Calypso on the same island? Find out in…THE REAL
(We start with three caskets laying gracefully on the shore of
Ithaca. All 15 characters are gathered in formal wear, as Kevin
Spacey delivers a stirring Eulogy. Odysseus, Penelope and Circe
are especially grief-stricken.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Dearly beloved, today we are gathered to witness
the joining of these two unions,
POLYPHEMUS: It's a funeral, not a wedding, retard.
KEVIN SPACEY: Oh, right. Today we are gathered to celebrate the
life of three good men. Telemachus, son of Odysseus, husband of
Circe, Elpenor, son of Pemoras, grand crew member and attempted
murderer. And finally, Adrienes, son of Demius, father of Ouija
and successful murderer. Some of us here are angry at Elpenor for
attempting to assassinate the great king of the great Ithaca, and
many more of us are pissed at Adrienes for murdering Telemachus,
but we must remember that all men are flawed. Murder is a sin as
big as black c**ks, but it is the blessed who forgive, but it is
the insane who forgets.
CALYPSO: Beautiful. (Sniffs).
KEVIN SPACEY: Telemachus left us too soon, in a mindless act of
vengeance, for something he clearly regretted. He searched for
his dad during his 20-year absence, and exhibited heroic
behavior. We will remember him forever. Lower the caskets.
(They lower the caskets into the ground. Cut to the royal meeting
room. Odysseus, Penelope, Circe and Calypso are absent.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Good job with the funeral, everyone. Odysseus,
Circe, Penelope and Calypso are taking a week-long leave of
absence from the show due to the tragic deaths.
POLYPHEMUS: You know, we didn't have a funeral for Antinious.
KEVIN SPACEY: That's because he was a worthless asshole. For now,
we must continue to entertain America.
KEVIN SPACEY: Nothing. Today's challenge is for all the lovers
out there. You must take your special lady out on a hot date.
POLITES: The term "hot date" makes me cringe. But I don't mind if
you say it.
KEVIN SPACEY: Man, you're so…so…what's the word?
POLITES: Uh, considerate?
KEVIN SPACEY: No…another word…
KEVIN SPACEY: Not quite…
KEVIN SPACEY: Almost…
POLYPHEMUS: Can we focus?
KEVIN SPACEY: Right…as for you non-couples, you get to do
whatever the f**k you want!
(Cut to Eurymachus and Polyxena in Odysseus' kitchen.)
POLYXENA: Is there any actual food in here?
EURYMACHUS: Hades yeah. I lived here for twenty years. They got
booze, food, smokables, everything you can imagine.
(Polyxena reaches into the pantry and sees a bunch of dead
POLYXENA: Sweet Helios…
EURYMACHUS: Holy s**t…
(Helios comes in.)
HELIOS: Hey guys. OH MY GOD THOSE ARE MY SHEEP!
EURYMACHUS: This means one thing and one thing only…ODYSSEUS HAS
A HELIOS SHEEP ADDICTION!
EURYMACHUS: I would confront him about it, but, you know, the son
dying thing has got him…in a but of a dump.
LAERTES: When I was called in there, I was like, of course.
POLYXENA: This island is f**king weird.
(Cut back to the kitchen.)
LAERTES: Wow. Well this will not do. We need to burn it.
EURYMACHUS: Come again?
LAERTES: We need to burn it. Zeus probably punished him for his
Helios sheep consumption. His ship being struck down, his son
dying, him having two d**ks,
(Eurymachus looks at him strange.)
LAERTES: And the fact that his son died. Wait, did I, say that,
EURYMACHUS: You sure did. How is having two d**ks a bad thing?
LAERTES: Could you imagine waking up?
LAERTES: Yeah. Anyway, if he wasn't mourning I would confront
him. But for now, I have to apply for a business permit, so I can
found "LAERTES AND SON".
(Cut to a modern-looking government office. There are several
desks labeled "ITHACA DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE" (IDC) and there are
men and women behind these desks on computers, wearing collared
shirts. There are huge lines, and Laertes is at the front of
WORKER: Your first name, sir?
WORKER: Last name?
LAERTES: Father of Odysseus.
WORKER: Okay, according to our records, you do not have any
permenant or otherwise residences in Ithaca.
LAERTES: No, but I'm a greek citizen. Plus, I'm the father of the
King, hence the "Father of Odysseus" thing.
WORKER: Well, to apply for a business permit, you have to under
go a drug test.
LAERTES: Are you kidding me?
LAERTES: Alright, how does it work?
WORKER: You piss in a cup, and then we examine it for drug
LAERTES: F**k…alright where's the cup?
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS NUDITY
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
(Cut to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: I realize now that there is only one couple present
today. So we have decided to introduce the new guys to the old
ones. So, I put together a little party next to Odysseus' room.
POLYPHEMUS: Seems a little insensitive.
KEVIN SPACEY: Oh, right. The son dying. Well anyway, I'll set up
a new party right next to Circe's room.
(Cut to a party with wine, cheese and cake. A large banner saying
"WECLOME NEW GUYS!". Polyphemus is talking to Kevin Spacey.)
POLYPHEMUS: This is good wine. It tastes like the wine back home.
KEVIN SPACEY: Did you get your wine from a guy named Dolomius?
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah. Do you know him?
KEVIN SPACEY: NO.
POLYPHEMUS: …'Kay. By the way, who wrote the banner? Welcome is
KEVIN SPACEY: Aw, s**t. Really? God Damnit…
EURYMACHUS: So…we have similar names.
EURYLOCHUS: …Yep. (Takes sip of wine goblet.) So where you from?
EURYMACHUS: Uh, here. Yep.
EURYLOCHUS: Ah. I see.
EURYMACHUS: What about you?
EURYLOCHUS: Uh, I'm from Athens.
EURYMACHUS: Ah, the city.
EURYLOCHUS: Yep. (Takes sip of wine goblet.)
So you, are engaged to Polyxena.
EURYMACHUS: Yes. Yes I am.
EURYLOCHUS: That must be…nice.
EURYMACHUS: Yeah…(Takes sip of wine goblet.)
POLITES: So, what is your name, sir?
ACHILLES: I am Achilles. Please buy my bestselling Epic Poem, the
Illiad, on book shelves now.
POLITES: I will do that. It sounds very interesting.
ACHILLES: It is. So you were in Odysseus' crew huh?
POLITES: Yes I was, sir. That was quite an adventure. You might
even say it was an, EPIC adventure. Buy The Odyssey on
ACHILLES: Woah, we didn't agree to cross-promotion!
POLITES: You are right. I apologize.
ACHILLES: Damn, you're…uh…what's the word?
ACHILLES: No, not that…some other word…
ACHILLES: No, not apologetic…
PEISISTRATUS: So…those aren't real?
OEDIPUS REX: Nope.
PEISISTRATUS: I'm not talking to you. So those aren't real?
POLYXENA: Yes, they are real.
PEISISTRATUS: There's no way…
POLYXENA: Sweet Helios….
OEDIPUS REX: If only I could see those apparently wonderful
breasts of which you speak.
PEISISTRATUS: You can't see?
OEDIPUS REX: I have to glass eyes, that's why I thought you were
talking to me, retard.
PEISISTRATUS: Really? That's cool. So, Polyxena, you and
Eurymachus, when you two are f**king
POLYXENA: Excuse me?
PEISISTRATUS: I'm sorry, making love, what position do you
POLYXENA: We are saving our love-making for marriage.
(Cut to footage of Polyxena and Eurymachus having vaginal sex on
the floor of their Chambers with Polyxena against the wall,
breathing heavily. The breasts and buttocks are shown, but the
Vagina and Penis are pixelated.)
POLYXENA: OH, EURYMACHUS!
(Cut back to the party.)
EURYMACHUS: Pff. Lame.
(Cut to Laertes at the counter of the IDC.)
WORKER: Well, we found trace amounts of Lotus Flower and Helios
Sheep in your urine sample.
LAERTES: What? Impossible. Improbable.
WORKER: No, possible. Probable. True. Do you eat Lotus Flowers or
LAERTES: Well, I mean, who doesn't indulge in the occasional
Lotus Flower or Sacred Sheep of the Sun God?
WORKER: I don't.
LAERTES: Listen, am I getting my business license or what?
WORKER: Well, you do, but your facility will be subjected to
constant, and I mean CONSTANT raids by Ithaca authorities.
LAERTES: Ohhh! I'm so scared! Bring it on.
(Cut to Laertes outside his chambers putting a sign on the door
that says "LAERTES & SON SINCE 1170 BC")
LAERTES: There we go. Perfect.
(A bunch of armored men come with a battering ram.)
LEAD MAN: ONE, TWO, THREE!
(They ram Laertes into the door, and then the door breaks down.)
LEAD MAN: OH, GOD. HAULT!
LAERTES: WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT S**T? YOU BROKE MY F**KING NOSE
AND THREW MY BACK!
OFFICER: Sorry about that. You got Lotuses or Helios Sheep in
LAERTES: NO! I'm going to sue the HADES OUT OF YOU!
OFFICER: Alright. We're going to do a search.
LAERTES: No way. Do not cross.
(Cut to Laertes in jail.)
LAERTES: I showed them.
(An officer walks up and opens the door.)
OFFICER: Someone named Odysseus payed your bail and left.
LAERTES: OH THANK ZEUS! Wait, someone named Odysseus? He's the
king of your freakin' island, idiot.
OFFICER: I've never heard of him.
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS NUDITY
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
(Cut to Anavete and Polyphemus talking.)
ANAVETE: Ya see, me and you,
POLYPHEMUS: You and I.
ANEVETE: 'scuse me?
POLYPHEMUS: Oh, the grammatically correct way to say it is "you
ANAVETE: …I was just about to say that we got each other, and we
came from similar backgrounds, and that I like you. But now I
realize you're a f**kin' grammer nazi,
POLYPHEMUS: F**king grammar nazi. Don't use unneccesary
contractions. Also, what's a nazi?
ANAVETE: Um, I don't know Spacey told me about Nazis.
(Cut to Peisistratus and Polyxena talking.)
PEISISTRATUS: I just…I've been suppressing my sadness about
Telemachus…(starts "tearing up.") I can hardly, contain, my
sadness anymore, (Starts "crying" profusely and buries his face
in Polyxena's chest.)
POLYXENA: Aw, it's alright. It'll be okay. He's in Hades now, a
(Peisistratus smiles a little bit.)
PEISISTRATUS: I MISS HIM SO MUCH!
POLYXENA: I know you do.
PEISISTRATUS: HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!
POLYXENA: I'm sure he was wonderful.
(Cut to Leartes And Son. Leartes is inside sitting at a Marble
Desk with Papyrus on it. He holds a feather and some ink.)
LEARTES: Okay, what do I need for this new business? Oh man, what
is this business for again? Oh yeah, takin' out targets. We're
hired assassins. Well, I guess until he gets over Telemachus, I'm
a hired assassin. So how do I get business for something so
illegal? A front!
(A sped-up video tape shows Laertes decorating his chambers to
look like a boring old office, and he puts a sign over his table
that says "LAERTES & SON REAL ESTATE" and then sits down.)
(Someone knocks at the door.)
LAERTES: Come in!
(Eurymachus comes in.)
EURYMACHUS: What the hell is this?
LAERTES: My Real Estate business. Would you like to buy property
EURYMACHUS: Sure. I do want a place here for Polyxena and I to
spend our lives.
LAERTES: Come again?
EURYMACHUS: I would like to buy property.
LAERTES: So you don't want anyone killed?
EURYMACHUS: WHAT? If this is a front, I'll report you to the
LAERTES: Of course it's not a front, god…anyway, right, you want
to own property. How about you come with me?
(Cut to Peisistratus talking to Telemachus' friend, Mentor.)
MENTOR: Listen Peisistratus, you are good at getting cheap
thrills, but if you really want to ********** and ***** *****
***** and get that ******* and then up and through the **** then
you gotta g**** f**** lick on your own **** and
*************************************************. You got it?
PEISISTRATUS: WOW…Yeah, I think I got it loud and clear.
MENTOR: Cool. Now follow me.
(They go back to the party, where they see Polyxena talking to
MENTOR: I'm Mentor, the late Telemachus' best friend and mentor
on the ladies. I've mentored so many peeps to success, you should
just call me the, uh, something…
MENTOR: Just talk to her dude, not in a weird way, be a little
sympathetic, but don't be afraid to be a jerk.
PEISISTRATUS: Got it.
(He walks up to her.)
PEISISTRATUS: HEY YOU F**KING C**T! Tell me again how you broke
your wrist at age ten?
POLYXENA: (Gasps.) EXCUSE ME? WELL THAT IS JUST PLAIN RUDE.
(Eurymachus comes over.)
EURYMACHUS: What the hades? Come on, we're going to see a house.
POLYXENA: Horrible human being.
(They leave. Mentor walks up.)
MENTOR: When I say "Don't be afraid to be a jerk", I didn't mean
drop a C-bomb.
(Cut to Laertes in a Greek palace in West Ithaca, showing it to
Polyxena and Eurymachus.)
LAERTES: As you can see, this palace is elegantly designed,
conceived, built and great for a new couple who think they'll
always love each other.
POLYXENA: Oh, we don't think, we know.
LAERTES: Of course you do. Well, what do you say?
(Polites walks in with a black man in rags with one big eye and
one small eye.)
POLITES: This dark man washed on shore.
LAERTES: What the f**k is wrong with his skin?
POLITES: I'd say he's probably from Africa. How in Zeus' name did
he end up here?
LAERTES: I have no idea. I'll bring him to Odysseus' attention
next week, but for now, keep him entertained. He's probably
entertained by thing like, yarn.
BLACK MAN: That's some racist s**t, right there man.
LAERTES: Be gone. (Polites takes him away.) So do you want the
(Cut to a week later. We start with Kevin Spacey in the Royal
Meeting Room with Odysseus, Penelope, Circe and Calypso standing
next to him. Everybody is there except Laertes, Polyxena and
KEVIN SPACEY: Good morning everyone! It is November 7, 1170 BC to
the E and I am Kevin Spacey LIVE in the Kingdom of Ithaca, with
King Odysseus and Queen Penelope! Also joining us is Circe, the
nymph of magic, and Calypso that sweet piece of ass we all want.
Odysseus, Penelope and Circe are back after a leave of absence
from the show they took two weeks ago when their son and Circe's
husband Telemachus, tragically passed. Calypso is also back after
he longtime crush, Elpenor also passed. Let's give a round of
KEVIN SPACEY: Someone is missing, aren't they? Three people are.
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, Laertes is showing Eurymachus and Polyxena a
KEVIN SPACEY: Really? Damn. Okay, Odysseus and Penelope, take it
ODYSSEUS: Hello, everybody. Ever since Telemachus passed, I have
been extremely grief-stricken. But now I realize that I must be
the only male in this family, and step up, take action and
overcome. So I'm coming back even though it's hard.
PENELOPE: I express a similar sentiment.
KEVIN SPACEY: Perfect!
(Polyxena, Eurymachus and Laertes come on stage.)
LAERTES: I just sold these two a house!
POLYXENA: It's beautiful. We're really glad with our decision.
ODYSSEUS: I didn't know you were in the Real Estate business.
LAERTES: I am now. We are now. We're Laertes and Son!
ODYSSEUS: Right. I'll join you on that later. But right now, I
got to go somewhere. Take Penelope to her chambers.
(Laertes takes her away.)
ODYSSEUS: Okay, well, I will be back a little later.
(He walks away.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Hell of a guy. Okay, today's challenge is not
really a challenge at all. You see, the network is cutting costs,
so we've got to make roommates out of yous bums. Laertes will
help you get houses and apartments throughout the island, because
you all can't just live in private chambers here at the King's
POLYPHEMUS: I can barely fit in the chambers I already have!
KEVIN SPACEY: Well, at least this way someone can live with you.
CIRCE: No way, he's an asshole.
POLYPHEMUS: F**k you!
KEVIN SPACEY: HEY! You people need to learn how to get along. Now
let me pair up some peoples.
KEVIN SPACEY: There we go.
CIRCE: Oh, c'mon man.
KEVIN SPACEY: Don't whine and fret, just relax your ample jets.
(Cut to Odysseus getting on his ship. The camera is hidden in
some bushes, and there is also a hidden camera on a nearby boat
filming him. He unhooks the boat and it floats into the sea.)
ODYSSEUS: I'm coming, Telemachus.
(We start with Odysseus on his ship. He sails the ship toward a
large inferno in the water. The camera closes up on the inferno.
Out of it pops a muscular red man with a beard and a crown.)
ODYSSEUS: HADES, RULER OF HADES.
HADES: ODYSSEUS, RULER OF ODYSSEUS ISLAND.
ODYSSEUS: Actually, it's Ithaca.
HADES: Oh, okay. That's weird. Anyway, what can I do for you
Odysseus, son of Laertes and man of many skills?
ODYSSEUS: Okay, let's cut the Epithet bulls**t and get down to
the reason I am here. I am here to get my son, who, I pray you
Hades, went too soon.
HADES: Odysseus, I am not in charge of death. Zeus is in charge
of that. It was his time, and I cannot define Zeus' wishes.
ODYSSEUS: It was not his time. He was killed by a vengeful madman
who had no care for the feelings of others. Adreines deserves to
rot forever in here, not my son.
HADES: I simply cannot release people from Hades.
ODYSSEUS: You released Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus!
HADES: Yes, but they pleasured me in ways others could never do.
ODYSSEUS: That's just lovely…listen, Telemachus is a good kid who
deserves a longer life.
HADES: I cannot grant him life; however, I may grant you
visitation rights. You may visit Telemachus in Hades every
Thursday and every other weekend and one month in the summer.
ODYSSEUS: Today is Thursday.
HADES: Then go right ahead my friend.
(Odysseus jumps in. Cut to Eurymachus and Polyxena moving
furniture into their palace. Eurymachus is moving a large table
while Polyxena sits and drinks wine on a nearby chair.)
EURYMACHUS: God…damn…this is huge…do you mind?
POLYXENA: We just got this wine.
EURYMACHUS: Oh, of course.
(Cut to Polites and the black man from the last episode in
Polites' chambers. Laertes and Penelope are also there.)
POLITES: He just washed up on shore.
LAERTES: How is his skin so dark?
PENELOPE: It's amazingly dark. I've never seen anything like this
before. So strange.
POLITES: Well, I believe he must be from the land they call,
PENELOPE: I have not heard of this land. Is it close by?
POLITES: Relatively. You just have to cross the Aegean Sea and
then make a couple of rights turns and you're there.
PENELOPE: For some reason, I'm really tempted to enslave this
BLACK MAN: Oh no.
(Cut to Laertes showing Circe and Polyphemus a crappy
LAERTES: This home has three walls, one bed, and a s**tting hole
CIRCE: (Uncomfortable.) Is that right?
POLYPHEMUS: I love it. The ceilings are just high enough for me,
and there's a s**ttin' hole!
CIRCE: Are you kidding me, Polyphemus? This is a place for poor
people. I have a huge house back home in Aeaea.
POLYPHEMUS: Ugh, fine. We won't take it, but we need something in
our price range.
LAERTES: What's your price range?
POLYPHEMUS: Uh…the show's budget gave us like 35 jewels.
LAERTES: Oh, then this is much too expensive.
(We start with Eurymachus and Polyxena being shown squalor of a
LAERTES: As you can see, it is a fixer-upper, and it has a window
that can double as both a door, and a s**tting hole.
POLYPHEMUS: Sweet Helios…
CIRCE: This is terrible. How much does this hades hole cost?
LAERTES: About 35 jewels.
POLYPHEMUS: Can you get us the other place on a deal or
LAERTES: (Chuckles.) Oh, Polyphemus. For you, anything.
LAERTES: Besides that. Because that house is about 100 jewels.
POLYPHEMUS: What the hades, man…
LAERTES: That's what I likes to call, the ol' "Screw you, beggars
can't be choosers" move.
(TO BE CONTINUED)