"THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA"
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GREEK TOURISM ORGANIZATION
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
(Previously on The Real World: Ithaca…)
KEVIN SPACEY: Everyone has to go reconnect with their roots.
ODYSSEUS: I hate my parents…
LAERTES: Why can't you be more like Achilles?
MA: Why'd you eat those Helios sheep?
ELPENOR: I'm stowing away on Odysseus and Penelope's boat to
Flroida to exact REVENGE!
TELEMACHUS: This XBOX has the ideal woman.
PEISASTRATUS: She's so perfect…
KEVIN SPACEY: This is pathetic.
CIRCE: Who wants go with me to Aaaea?
POLYPHEMUS: I'm going to visit the island of Cyclopes and see
some old buddies.
KAKICOPOS: THIS SON OF A BITCH NEVER FOUGHT ANYBODY WHEN HE LIVED
HERE EXCEPT FOR THAT CHODE ODYSSEUS, AND NOW HE'S A PUSSY, AND
HE'S ON GODDAMN NATIONAL TELEVISION!
CALYPSO: I'm going back to my island.
MAN: Welcome back, Calypso! The island has been sad without you.
HERMES: I'm going back to the god's table.
ZEUS: You have to leave the show.
HELIOS: I'm going back to my island where the sheep are.
HELIOS: What are you doing with my sheep?
ACHILLES: Feeding them before I go to Flroida.
HELIOS: GET OUT OF HERE!
OEDIPUS REX: I'm sorry I killed you, dad.
ANTINIOUS: I will avenge Odysseus and Laertes for killing my dad.
EURYMACHUS: I miss you.
POLYXENA: So are we going through with the engagement?
ADRIENES: Let's kill Telemachus for what he did to you.
ANAVETE: I'm too good to re-associate with you guys.
CENTAUR: You're a dick.
ANAVETE: You talking to me?
(They beat on each other.)
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus,
Penelope, Telemachus, Antinious, Eurymachus, Polyphemus, Circe,
Calypso, Hermes, Helios, Adreines, Oedipus Rex, Anavete and
Elpenor on the same island? Find out in…THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA.
ODYSSEUS: Hm. Interesting.
(A large clonking occurs.)
ODYSSEUS: What the hades was that?
MA: That must be him!
LAERTES: Achilles, no less!
ODYSSEUS: Oh, f**k.
(Laertes goes to the door and opens it, to reveal Achilles.)
ACHILLES: Hello, all!
LAERTES: ACHILLES! YOU SON OF A GUN!
MA: Achilles, come in, come in. Have some Flroida Orange juice.
ACHILLES: I will indeed. How are you, Odysseus?
ODYSSEUS: I'm well. How is your heel?
ACHILLES: Oh it's doing better.
ODYSSEUS: Good. I am glad.
ACHILLES: So, Mrs. Odysseus, what are we having for dinner
MA: Leg of lamb. Although I'm sure Odysseus would much rather eat
ODYSSEUS: MA! Would you quit it?
ACHILLES: Wait a minute, did you say Helios Sheep? You ate HELIOS
ODYSSEUS: Once, like forever ago.
ACHILLES: You shouldn't do that. I met Helios earlier today,
guy's an a**hole.
ODYSSEUS: What were you doing on that island?
ACHILLES: Grooming the sheep while Helios was gone.
ACHILLES: I find that doing other people's stuff for them is a
great way to earn trust.
MA: See? You should do something like that.
ODYSSEUS: Because I have a kingdom to run. Achilles on the other
hand, has sheep to run.
LAERTES: But politics is so dirty. Why don't you have a hobby?
ODYSSEUS: Trust me. When running a kingdom you don't have time
for that s**t.
LAERTES: WATCH YOUR MOUTH, ODYSSEUS, OR I WILL CUT OF YOUR D**K!
ACHILES: I've never heard you talk like this, holy f**k.
MA: Yeah, you guys have dirty mouths. Shame on you two!
ODYSSEUS: But Achilles just said f**k.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, god…
ACHILLES: F**k, piss, s**t, c**t, c**ksucker, motherf**ker, tits.
ODYSSEUS: He just said like, seven dirty words!
MA: You stop it! Achilles is a good boy.
(Achilles puts on a s**t-eating grin.)
(Cut to Circe, Telemachus and Peisistratus on Aaaea island.)
TELEMACHUS: This place is pretty nice…where's your mansion?
CIRCE: It's in the middle of the woods guarded by a bunch of
drugged yuppies. It's a pretty sweet set up.
PEISISTRATUS: Damn, son. That's a walk.
CIRCE: Let's start walking. Your feet may get bloodied.
TELEMACHUS: Very funny. Cast the spell.
CIRCE: Excuse me?
TELEMACHUS: Cast the spell that you know, makes us go there with
CIRCE: Yeah, no I can't do that.
PEISISTRATUS: …Are you kidding me?
TELEMACHUS: Oh, god.
CIRCE: Let's get a walkin'!
(Cut to Polyphemus passed out drunk on the floor of his friend's
cave, with "Penis"and "F*g" written all over his face. Pan out to
see Kacocpios and the other Cyclops drinking and laughing.)
KAKOCPIOS: What a total f*g. (Chuckles.)
RANDOM CYCLOPS: Is Penis and f*g all we came up with? Can't we do
something more creative?
(Everyone gives him the stink eye.)
RANDOM CYCLOPS: (Nervous.) Like…"I want a bl**job from a man"?
KAKOCPIOS: Not a bad idea. GET THE FEATHER, MARYIUS! WE'RE GONNA
DEFILE THIS KID SOME MORE!
(Cut to Calypso in her throne with naked men and women
surrounding her, tastefully.)
CALYPSO: Ugh…I'm bored.
NAKED WOMAN: How are you bored? This is a paradise for you. We
feed and clothe you, and provide you with endless pleasures.
NAKED MAN: Would Madame like to be fingered again?
CALYPSO: NO! NO MORE FINGERING! I have a man who I desperately
want and need, and it's not-
NAKED MAN: Is it me?
CALYPSO: Any of you.
NAKED MAN: Damnit.
(Cut to Elpenor climbing out of Odysseus' ship.)
ELPENOR: This is going to be sweet. (He takes out a dagger and
runs up to the door of his parent's house. He looks in the window
to see Achilles and Odysseus talking.) Perfect.
ELPENOR: Achilles and I are in cahoots. I know. It's me,
Achilles, Eurymachus and Antinious. We're the prime duo. Of four
(Cut to Achilles and Odysseus talking.)
ODYSSEUS: So I told this Cyclops prick to piss off.
(A knocking is heard.)
ACHILLES: Hold that thought.
(He runs to the door and opens it, and Elpenor sneaks in.
Achilles runs back.)
ACHILLES: You were saying?
ODYSSEUS: Right, so-
(Elpenor comes up from behind with a machete. He puts it to
ACHILLES: Oh my goodness! What the hack is going here?
ODYSSEUS: WHO THE HADES ARE YOU?
ODYSSEUS: ELPENOR? WHAT THE F**KARE YOU DOING HERE?
MA: (Offscreen) ODYSSEUS, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
ODYSSEUS: SOMEONE HAS A F**KING MACHETE TO MY THROAT RIGHT NOW,
MA! GET DAD!
(Ma comes in.)
MA: What are you talking abou-oh my goodness!
(She runs to get Laertes. Laertes runs in with a machete, and
Elpenor and Laertes battle for a few minutes, knocking over
chairs, tables, vases etc. Finally Laertes is stabbed in the
chest and falls down to the ground, dead.)
ACHILLES: GOD DAMNIT! ( He grabs a shard of glass of the ground
and holds it to Odysseus' neck.)
MA: WHAT THE HADES ARE YOU DOING, ACHILLES??
ACHILLES: What you guys have always wanted me to do! I WILL BE
ALL YOURS AFTER I KILL THIS BRUTE!
LAERTES: HE'S OUR SON FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T HURT HIM!
ACHILLES: TOO LATE! (He holds up the glass shard, but Laertes
stabs him in the chest.) YOU MORON! I AM IMPENETRABLE!
LAERTES: Sure about that? (He takes out a sword from a nearby
sword holder and stabs him in the heel.)
ACHILLES: OH…GOD…(He falls down to the floor Odysseus finds a
nearby seat to cool off, and his parents surround him.
LAERTES: It'll be okay.
ODYSSEUS: I KNOW…
(Cut to Eurymachus and Polyxena outside the restaurant.)
EURYMACHUS: Listen, I've got to go back to Ithaca, but you should
meet me there soon so we can get married okay?
POLYXENA: Okay. Love you.
EURYMACHUS: Love you too.
(Polyxena gets on a horse and rides away. Antinious walks up to
ANTINIOUS: There you are! I just got the word that Elpenor and
Achilles were killed trying to kill Odysseus, so we need to get
down there and kill him ourselves since apparently Elpenor and
Achilles are r***ds.
ANTINIOUS: What do you mean "nah"? Don't you want to get revenge
EURYMACHUS: I've found something much more satisfying than
revenge. It's called love.
ANTINIOUS: Oh, Zeus.
EURYMACHUS: That's right my friend, love. You should try it
ANTINIOUS: Well I can't do it alone!
EURYMACHUS: Why not?
ANTINIOUS: His dad Laertes is going to be there.
EURYMACHUS: Not my problem.
ANTINIOUS: …Goddamnit…(Runs off. Cut to Helios grooming sheep on
Thrinacia. Antinious enters.)
HELIOS: S'up Antinious?
ANTINIOUS: Hey. Want to help me kill Odysseus? Elpenor and
Achilles tried to, but they ended up getting killed.
HELIOS: Nothing good comes out of revenge, my son.
ANTINIOUS: You know what, f**k this. I'm going to kill Odysseus
all by myself.
(Cut to Circe, Telemachus and Peisistratus walking up the stone
path to Circe's mansion, which is guarded by strangely docile
Lions and Dogs, drugged victims of her magic.)
CIRCE: This, up here is my pad. It's being taken care of right
now by Eurylochus and Polites.
TELEMACHUS: I remember those guys.
TELEMACHUS: I remember Polites was my dad's like, best friend and
Eurylochus was his Brother-in-Law and he was a pussy. The only
good thing he ever did was warn my dad that Circe's magic would
turn them all into pig-men. But I'm sure that won't happen to
us…why are you guys looking at me like that?
CIRCE: You know, your dad and his crew spent like a year here one
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, he's told me stories.
(They enter the mansion. There's a huge corridor with stairs and
the house looks completely furnished. Eurylochus and Polites walk
up to her.)
EURYLOCHUS: Fairest Circe, I beseech thee, welcome back! Your
absence was not pro-longed, why is this?
CIRCE: Well my contract entails me to stay for about two months,
but they told us to dig back into our roots, so here I am, one
POLITES: Yes, indeed. We have taken care of your manor remarkably
TELEMACHUS: Why? Do you guys get paid?
EURYLOCHUS: Of course not. We are forever indebted to her for
healing our souls.
POLITES: After Odysseus' ship was destroyed by Zeus, he was
thought to be the only survivor. But he wasn't. Eurylochus and I
made a raft and rafted to Aeaea. Once there, we apologized to the
gods, and to her for eating the cattle of the sun god, Helios.
Although I have to admit it was extremely tasty.
EUYRLOCHUS:Oh yeah, it was. But it was wrong.
CIRCE: Yeah, and Helios is my dad, so don't screw with him.
(Cut to a large feast prepared by Polites and Eurylochus.)
CIRCE: We shall celebrate my reality show success and me
re-embracing my roots!
(They all raise up their glasses and clink them together. They
all begin feasting. Cut to about fifteen minutes later.)
PEISISTRATUS: This is quite good, Cir-ohhhh…(He goes down like a
ton of bricks.)
TELEMACHUS: Wow, really?
POLITES: Well done, madame. I commend you for-ohhhh…(He goes down
EURYLOCHUS: Wow, what a fa-Ohhhh…(He goes down.)
TELEMACHUS: I assume I'm next.
CIRCE: No, I didn't poison your food. And they're fine, they're
just knocked out for a little while. Listen, I want to talk to
you. I think I'm in love with you.
CIRCE: Yeah. I know you're young an everything but, I love you.
TELEMACHUS: You couldn't have just asked them to leave, instead
of poisoning their f**king food?
CIRCE: Yeah, whatever. I love you.
TELEMACHUS: Well I have feelings for you too. But my heart belong
to the XBOX.
(He pulls out the stone and sets it on the table, and the face
LAVATKA: Hello, TELEMACHUS.
CIRCE: Who does that face most resemble to you?
(He looks at it.)
TELEMACHUS: Oh my god. It looks like you.
(They lunge over to each other and begin making out. They then
enter Circe's bed chamber and make love. Cut to Adreines and
Ouija on a boat.)
ADREINES: I got a tip froma friend of mine, saying he's onAeaea.
We're heading that way.
(Cut to Polyphemus and his "friends" playing cards on a rock.)
KACOCPIOS:I fold this s**t.
POLYPHEMUS: I raise.
CYCLOPS: Oh, mister pussy has actual cards!
(They all start sarcastically "ooing".)
POLYPHEMUS: God Damnit, guys. Why is it that every time I hang
out with you guys, you're total a**holes? Why do you have to be
a**holes all the time to each other? How is calling your friends
f***ots, and punching them in the face, how is that funny or
friendly? You know, I have no idea how I was your guys' friend
all through Cyclops School. You guys were never true friends.
KACOCPIOS: PUSSY THINKS WE'RE MEANIES!
(Everyone starts ooing.)
KACOCPIOS: He doesn't think we're treating him fairly! OoOh!
CYCLOPS: Yeah, Polyphemus, can your woman-like sensibilities not
(Laughs all around.)
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, well. Yeah, f**k you guys.
(He gets down and walks out while they continue laughing. Outside
the cave, a Cyclops with a mail hat comes up with a mail sack.)
MAIL-CLOPS: Hello. Polyphemus?
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, I'm he.
MAIL-CLOPS: Certified Papyrus, dated September 25th, 1170 BC.
(Hands him the papyrus.)
POLYPHEMUS: From who?
MAIL-CLOPS: Someone by the name of Circe.
(The Mail-clops walks away. He opens it and reads it.)
POLYPHEMUS: She wants me to meet her at her mansion on Aeaea?
(Cut to Helios grooming his sheep. A Mail carrier comes up to
MAIL GUY: Certified Papyrus, sent September 25, 1170 BC from your
HELIOS: Oh, good. (He opens it up and reads it.) She wants me to
meet her at the mansion on Aeaea? Okay, I'm game. Um, do you
mind? Trying to talk to myself.
(The post-man walks away.)
HELIOS: Yes, Circe is my daughter. She is a blooming flower, a
deceitful witch, my pride and joy, my better half, a murderous
foe, my little princess, my poison-happy power-monger.
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope on the shore of Flroida with
Laertes and Ma looking on.)
ODYSSEUS: Well, this is the end of the line. Hopefully the next
visit will have less death.
PENELOPE: What are you going to do with Elpenor and Achilles?
LAERTES: I put them on your boat so you can give them a proper
burial. (Pan to a boat with two stacked-up bodies.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, that's lovely.
(Antinious comes out of nowhere.)
ANTINIOUS: NOT SO FAST, LAERTES AND SON!
(The "Sanford and Son" theme song starts playing.)
(Long silence while the theme plays.)
ANTINIOUS: Um…this is just…weird.
ODYSSEUS: What the hades do you want?
ANTINIOUS: To kill you for attempting to kill me, and to kill
your father for killing mine.
ODYSSEUS: Are you kidding me? Get over it.
ANTINIOUS: NEVER! (He runs at Odysseus with a machete, and
Odysseus flips him around, takes a rock, and smashes his head
ODYSSEUS: F**k you. Okay, well I don't give two s**ts about that
body. Let's leave it here.
LAERTES: You know, he gave me a good idea.
(Calypso arrives on Florida in a boat.)
CALYPSO: Who are these people?
ODYSSEUS: These are my parents.
CALYPSO: Nice to meet you.
CALYPSO: Yeah, where is Elpenor?
ODYSSEUS: He's uh…(Points over at the boat with Elpenor and
CALYPSO: OH NO…
CALYPSO: OH GOD!!! ELPENOR!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!
ODYSSEUS: Why so sad about Elpenor? Guy was a drunk bastard.
CALYPSO: I know but…I loved him.
ODYSSEUS: You loved the guy that nearly killed himself falling
drunk off your roof?
CALYPSO: Yes. Now he's gone. (She starts sobbing.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, god. Listen, I'm sorry about Elpenor, hut he tried
to kill me. Listen, I know someone you'll probably love. I'll set
you two up.
CALYPSO: (Sniffs.) Okay. Where is he?
ODYSSEUS: Last time I heard he was on Aeaea taking care of
Circe's mansion. He use to be part of my crew.
LAERTES: I'm coming.
LAERTES: Yeah. I have an idea. (Kisses wife.) Love ya honey! Wish
I didn't have to work so I could stay here and f**k you all day!
But I got to start a business with my son, Odysseus.
ODYSSEUS: What in Zeus' name are you talking about?
LAERTES: Laertes and Son.
(The theme song plays again.)
LAERTES: I've always wanted to have a father-son business. And
now I know the thing that Odysseus and I are both good at, is
(Start with Oedipus Rex and Anavete against a white background.)
OEDIPUS REX: You may notice that we're hardly featured in the
last two episodes.
ANAVETE: Well, for time, we'll tell you what happened. I got my
ass kicked by that other Centaur.
OEDIPUS REX: And I remained forever blind and ashamed of myself.
ANAVETE: But then, we got this weird note from Circe saying we
should go to Aeaea. So we're like, what the hell? Let's go.
(Cut to Odysseus arriving on shore with Penelope, Laertes and
Calypso, as well as Elpenor and Achilles' dead bodies.Polyphemus
also arrives on his boat, and gives his keys to a valet.)
VALET: Where should I park it?
POLYPHEMUS: Wherever you want, I don't care.
(He gets in the boat rows into the forest. Hermes flies down from
the God's table, and Anavete and Oedipus Rex arrive on their boat
too.Kevin Spacey's limo drives up and drops him off, and Helios'
Solar Steed-drawn chariot arrives and he hooks them to a nearby
tree. Eurymachus' boat arrives as well.)
ODYSSEUS: Holy crap. How'd we get here all at the same time?
POLYPHEMUS: I dunno.
(Circe walks up.)
CIRCE: Everyone, follow me.
ODYSSEUS: Did you invite everyone on the show here?
CIRCE: Yeah. Except you, Calypso, Penelope, Adreines, Antinious
ODYSSEUS: Oh you don't need to worry about those last two.
(Points at dead bodies.)
CIRCE: Hm. Anyway, follow me, this is important.
ODYSSEUS: Actually, I just came here to introduce Calypso to
CIRCE: Alright, whatever, let's go.
(They all start following her down the wooded path to her mansion
where the docile dogs and tigets linger. They all enter her
mansion, and Circe and Telemachus sit them down to a feast.
Polites, Eurylochus and Peisistratus are all there.)
ODYSSEUS: See, Calypso? That's the guy! That's Eurylochus! He's
cool. Talk to him.
CIRCE: Listen up! I have something to say to all of you today.
(Polyphemus looks up.)
CIRCE: Yeah, I think we should see other people.
POLYPHEMUS: Unbelievable. You know what Circe, I had busted my
ass for this relationship, and-
CIRCE: Yeah yeah, whatever. But here's my news: Telemachus and I
are getting married!
HELIOS: SWEET HELIOS…
KEVIN SPACEY: Congratulations!
POLYPHEMUS: OH, WELL I'M GLAD YOU F**KING REBOUNDED!
HELIOS: Well I mean, I guess that's fine…
ODYSSEUS: Yeah I suppose, but it's a little unexpected. Does that
mean we'll be like, in-laws?
HELIOS: I don't know…how does that work?
CIRCE: Listen, I know it's a surprise but we're confident it'll
OEDIPUS REX: If I could only see the joy on your two faces.
ODYSSEUS: Stop whining about it.
HELIOS: You know what, let's get you married right now! What the
(They all get up and gather near a chapel-like area of the room.
Helios gets in between Circe and Telemachus.)
HELIOS: Do you, Telemachus, take this, Circe, to be your lawfully
wedded husband, in sickness and health, until death do you part?
TELEMACHUS: I do.
HELIOS: And do you, Circe, take this, Telemachus, to be your
lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and health, until death do
CIRCE: I do.
HELIOS: You may kiss the bride.
(They kiss and mostly everyone cheers, except for Polyphemus.
Adreines and Ouja run in.)
(Telemachus turns around.)
ADREINES: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(Adreines runs toward Telemachus. Telemachus tries to go for his
machete, but it is too late. Adreines' machete is already halfway
in his heart.)
TELEMACHUS: I…love…you…Circe…(He expires. Adrienes pulls out the
ADRIENES: THAT'S FOR RAPING MY DAUGHTER, A**HOLE!
(Odysseus runs up and breaks Adreines' neck with one fatal twist,
and then kneels down to his dead son. He checks the pulse. He
then drops down and starts sobbing. Circe does as well. Penelope
joins in, and the rest of them quietly sob. Achilles walks in,
ACHILLES: HEY ODYSSEUS! I'M STILL ALIVE! AND I'M REALLY SORRY FOR
TRYING TO KILL YOU! Oh, god. That doesn't look good.
(Cut to the Royal Meeting Room in Ithaca. Everyone is there
except Odysseus, Penelope and Circe. However, Eurylochus,
Achilles, Polites, Laertes and Polyxena are there as well.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Well, this has been an eventful two days. In the
process of re-connecting with our roots, four people died.
Obviously, Odysseus, Penelope and Circe are still mourning, but
while that isgoing on, two people, I understand, have
(Hermes walks up there.)
HERMES: I have been ordered by the gods to leave this show. I
enjoyed working with you all, and I hope to do that once again
some day. Good bye. (Disappears with a puff of smoke.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Wow. Those gods are pretty cool. Okay, what's
(Eurymachus and Polyxena get up there.)
EURYMACHUS: I have been engaged to Polyxena for a number of
years, and now we're going to get married pretty soon.
KEVIN SPACEY: Congratulations! (Everybody claps.)
EURYMACHUS: Thank you!
HELIOS: How about we marry you right now?