"THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA"
BROUGH TO YOU BY ZYBALTA AND VANS
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS INTENSE SEXUAL SITUATIONS AND NUDITY
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
KEVIN SPACEY VOICOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus,
Penelope, Circe, Calypso, Polyphemus, Eurymachus, Oedipus Rex,
Anavete, Polites, Achilles, Polyxena, Laertes, Eurylochus and
Peisistratus together on the same island? Find out in…THE REAL
(Cut to Odysseus walking through Hades. There is fire, and holes
filled with the suffering dead, and screaming and people eating
each other, and there is a blood waterfall.)
ODYSSEUS: This place has gone to hell. TELEMACHUS! TELEMACHUS!
TELEMACHUS' VOICE: DAD! DAD! HELP ME!
ODYSSEUS: Oh my Zeus, it's Telemachus! TELEMACHUS WHERE ARE
TELEMACHUS' VOICE: DOWN HERE!
(Odysseus looks to a hole right beside him. The camera aims down
into the hole, where a large amount of men, women and children
are in a pool of blood, bathing.)
TELEMACHUS: DAD? ARE YOU DEAD?
ODYSSEUS: NO, JUST VISITING. IS THAT ELPENOR?
ODYSSEUS: OH WELL IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! WHY DON'T YOU DROP
DEAD? OH, WAIT!
ELPENOR: LISTEN, I'M SORRY. TELL CALYPSO I LOVE HER.
ODYSSEUS: WHATEVER. TELEMACHUS, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE. I'M GOING
TO BUST YOU OUT!
TELEMACHUS: IMPOSSIBLE! HADES IS GUARDED BY FOUR-HEADED DOGS WITH
ODYSSEUS: SO DOESN'T THAT MEAN THEY HAVE TEN HEADS?
TELEMACHUS: NO, IT MEANS THEY CAN GET SIX HEAD!
ODYSSEUS: ANYWAY, I MANAGED TO DEFEAT A DICKLOAD OF SUITORS IN
1174 BC TO THE E, SO I THINK I CAN DEFEAT SOME ASSHOLE DOGS!
TELEMACHUS: DON'T BE SO SURE!
ADREINES: I JUST WANT TO SAY TELEMACHUS, THAT FOR WHAT IT'S
WORTH, I'M SORRY I KILLED YOUR SON!
ODYSSEUS: I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT, I DON'T FORGIVE YOU!
ADREINES: UNDERSTANDABLE! TELL OUJA I LOVE HER!
ODYSSEUS: NO! ANYWAY TELEMACHUS, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE!
TELEMACHUS: YOU DON'T THINK I'VE TRIED?
ODYSSEUS: WELL, I'LL GET YOU OUT!
(Odysseus extends his hand, and Telemachus grabs onto it, and
Odysseus strains his back to lift up his blood-covered son.)
TELEMACHUS: OH MY GOD, thank you dad.
ODYSSEUS: I pray you, what is the afterlife like?
TELEMACHUS: Ti's a dreadful experience. We bathe in blood, get
whipped and tortured, and the only good thing about it is we get
to time travel.
TELEMACHUS: Yes. I haven't done it yet but, yeah.
ODYSSEUS: Do it.
TELEMACHUS: Uh, okay…I'll try my best. OH HADES! GIVETH TO THY
THE POWER OF TIME TRAVEL!
HADES: GRANTED! YEAR?
TELEMACHUS: 1 AD!
(They are transported to a manger where Jesus is resting as a
ODYSSEUS: Oh my god.
TELEMACHUS: Just being in the presence of this child makes my
MARY: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE? AND WHAT KIND OF LANGUAGE ARE
YOU SPEAKING? GREEK?
TELEMACHUS: Um, Damnit. There's a language barrier. I HERE TO SEE
(The three wise men gallop in.)
WISE MAN: There it is! There's the child!
MARY: We named him Jesus. Jesus Christ. But I've never even had
TELEMACHUS: HA HA! (They both high five.)
JOSEPH: GET OUT!
ODYSSEUS: Okay. HADES, TAKE US TO 500 AD!
(They transport to a street in Rome, where people are running in
fear, as fire rages behind them.)
ODYSSEUS: JESUS CHRIST…
TELEMACHUS: No, this is not Jesus' birth; this is like, a goddamn
city in ruin!
ODYSSEUS: No, I know, it just seems fun to say his name as an
TELEMACHUS: That's true.
(Someone runs by on fire.)
TELEMACHUS: JESUS CHRIST…Damn, that just sounds right.
ODYSSEUS: Doesn't it?
(A bull runs by.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh my god, we need to get the hades out of here.
TELEMACHUS: You're right. It looks like some empire is falling or
something. HADES, TAKE US TO 1000 AD!
(They are transported to a room in Europe where a man is coughing
up blood, and is covered in scabs and sores. There are also rats
MAN: AGHHH! IT HURTS LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS!
ODYSSEUS: I still don't know what these people are saying.
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, neither do I. Plus, this guy looks like he's
sick as a dog and covered in rat s**t. Let's go. HADES, TAKE US
TO 1492 AD!
(They are transported to 1492, and they are on the Nina with
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: L'India è vicino. Posso vedere quella gente
ODYSSEUS: Oh, great. A language barrier again.
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, I don't recognize this language.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: (Turns around.) Chi sono voi la gente?
(SUBTITLES: Who are you people?)
ODYSSEUS: Uh, WE SPEAK GREEK.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Greco? Conosco un certo Greco. Uh, είμαι
Χριστόφορος Κολόμβος, uh, καπετάνιος του σκάφους νερού. Είμαστε
uh, Ινδία που πηγαίνει.
(SUBTITLES: Greek? I speak some Greek. Uh, I am Christopher
Columbus, uh, Captain of this water vessel. India we are going to
ODYSSEUS: Oh, good. Well I am Odysseus, and this is Telemachus.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Ευχάριστος να σας συναντήσει. Τι σε το
όνομα του s είναι εσείς που κάνετε εδώ?
(SUBTITLES: Oh, pleasant to meet you. What in god's name are you
ODYSSEUS: Oh, we hitched a ride. We're stow aways.
(A silence hangs in the air. Cut to Odysseus and Telemachus on
ODYSSEUS: We got to go. HADES, 1762 AD PLEASE!
(Cut to Catherine II of Russia in her sitting room, drinking tea.
She is a beautiful, black haired, large bosomed mid-30's woman.
Odysseus and Telemachus are transported in.)
CATHERINE: Моя доброта! Oh здравствулте!, справедливые
путешественники. Вы 2 в потребности помощи? Вы кажетесь довольно
редкий на одеждах.
(My goodness! Oh, hello fair travelers. Are you two in need of
assistance? You seem rather sparse on clothes.)
ODYSSEUS: (He is wide-eyed at her beauty.) Uhh…do you speak
CATHERINE: (Speaking Greek) Yes, I do speak Greek. Would you two
care for tea?
TELEMACHUS: (Also wide-eyed) Yes. I want tea so much.
CATHERINE: Perfect! Vacily!
(A Russian waiter comes over with tea.)
WAITER: Ваше высочество оценило бы хлеб или вино для того чтобы
пойти с чаем?
(Would your majesty appreciate bread or wine to go with your
(She takes the tea.)
CATHERINE: Никак вы. Я молю вас однако, для того чтобы fetch
некоторая одежда для этого джентльмена. Я думаю что они греки.
(Waiter bows his head and leaves.)
ODYSSEUS: You are very pretty.
(Catherine hands them both tea.)
CATHERINE: Thank you.
TELEMACHUS: So you rule what exactly?
CATHERINE: I am the Empress of Russia.
ODYSSEUS: Is there a, Emperor of Russia?
CATHERINE: No, not particularly. I am not tied down to anyone
really, I have lovers, no doubt that I have spent many a casual
ODYSSEUS: Wow. You're stunning. Can I see your bedroom after tea?
I would love to see the elegance of this palace.
TELEMACHUS: So would I. (Odysseus elbows him.) OW!
CATHERINE: Absolutely. But I pray you, what are these devices in
front of us?
ODYSSEUS: Don't worry about them. They're just, good luck charms.
(Catherine looks into the camera.)
CATHERINE: I see.
ODYSSEUS: Yeah. Let's see that bed room.
(Cut to hidden camera footage of Odysseus and Catherine having
vaginal sex on her beautiful queen-sized bed in her royal
bedroom. The penis and vagina is pixelated, but the breasts and
the buttocks are not.)
CATHERINE: OH OH! OH! ODYSSEUS!!!!
(Cut to Odysseus leaving Catherine's bedroom, exhausted.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, oh Sweet Helios…
(Telemachus comes in.)
TELEMACHUS: I hate you.
ODYSSEUS: (Breathing heavily.) Yeah…anyway, we should get going
before she tries to come with us. 1776 AD, PLEASE!
(Cut to the founding fathers signing the declaration of
independence. They pop in.)
ODYSSEUS: Isn't it convenient that we always wind up at a huge
(Thomas Jefferson turns around.)
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Who are you two? And what's with the clothes?
ODYSSEUS: Oh, Christ. This guy speaks crazy speak too. WE SPEAK
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Greek? Oh, okay. είστε άνθρωποι και τι μπορούμε
να κάνουμε για σας; Επίσης, τι είναι εξετάζει τις τηβέννους σας?
(SUBTITLES: Who are you people and what can we do for you and
what is the deal with your clothes?)
ODYSSEUS: Well, we are…homosexuals.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Δεν λέτε; Είμαστε όλοι οι ομοφυλόφιλοι επίσης!
Μετά από αυτό όλοι πρόκειται να κάνουμε την παλαιές πρόσκρουση
και την απόρριψη. Είστε μέσα?
(SUBTITLES: You don't say. We're all homosexuals too. After this,
we're all going to do the old bump and dump. You in?)
ODYSSEUS: Uh…we're fine. Thank you and goodbye. 1865 AD, PLEASE!
(They are transported to a booth right near President Lincoln's
booth in April 1865 at Ford's Theatre.)
ODYSSEUS: Holy crap…this place is just like the theatres back
home but with more clothes!
TELEMACHUS: People do seem to where a lot of clothes in the
(John Wilkes booth stands up.)
JOHN WILKES BOOTH: SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS! (Shoots President Lincoln
in the back of the head. He slumps over in his chair.)
ODYSSEUS: HOLY RENEGADE OF FUNK!
TELEMACHUS: Shut up, we haven't gotten to the 2000's yet.
MARY LINCOLN: OH MY GOONESS! STOP THAT MAN!
TELEMACHUS: This could get ugly. Let's get out of here.
ODYSSEUS: Agreed. 1929 AD!
(Cut to Polites and Laertes studying the black man, who is tied
to the wall.)
POLITES: WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?
BLACK MAN: My name's whatever you want it to be.
LAERTES: That's a good point. You are my slave now.
BLACK MAN: Oh, joy.
LAERTES: So, you will be Laertes Jr.
BLACK MAN: Okay. What do you want for me to do, master?
LAERTES; Uh, well…wait a minute; where in the world is Odysseus?
He was supposed to be back by now.
POLITES: That is strange.
LAERTES: Okay, I have houses to show, but you two go and find
Odysseus or I'll fire you.
POLITES: I will do that.
LAERTES: Of course you will.
(Cut to Calypso and Achilles being shown a house by Laertes.)
LAERTES: The fixture is nice and stuff. You want it?
(Cut to Eurylochus being shown a house by Laertes.)
EURYLOCHUS: I'm sure if Polites were here, he would agree that
this is the house for us.
LAERTES: Right. Are you two uh, gays?
EURYLOCHUS: WHAT? Oh, god. Thanks for that new insecurity.
LAERTES: Alright, sorry man.
(Cut to Laertes showing Oedipus Rex and Anavete a hovel. It's
made of mud and sticks, and ground is covered in grass, and there
are two beds made of hay)
ANAVETE: The f**k's this?
OEDIPUS REX: Does it look good?
ANAVETE: Take a look, dumbc**t. Oh wait, you're blind as a
goddamn bat suckin' on an enormous-
OEDIPUS REX: That'll be enough. God, dude why are you so vulgar?
ANAVETE: I was raised that way. In the streets of North Ithaca
OEDIPUS: Oh great. I can't wait to live with some vulgar jerk who
thinks he's tough.
LAERTES: Yeah, there are not enough bleeps in the world for what
you just said. But, I deal with jerks all the time! Should I ring
this dump up?
OEDIPUS REX: It's a dump?
LAERTES: No of course not. Should I ring this yeasty taint up?
(Cut to Wall Street on Black Friday. People are freaking out,
trying to take their money out stocks. Odysseus and Telemachus
are transported to the middle of it all.)
ODYSSEUS: Wow, people are really freaking out.
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, they seem to be really holding onto their
bowler hats, and watching silent movies.
(A man runs by in a suit on fire)
MAN: AGGHHH!!!! THAT HOOVER IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!!
TELEMACHUS: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
ODYSSEUS: I don't know, but the future scares me. This seems like
a bigger empire than even Athens! It's like a concrete jungle
where dreams are made of. Let's go. HADES, 1932 AD, PLEASE!
(They are transported to a bread line in New York City. And old
man is behind them, drooling.)
ODYSSEUS: Depression hurts. So try Zybalta.
TELEMACHUS: This is an economic depression, not a-oh. Shameless
product placement. Gotcha.
(Cut to Odysseus and Telemachus at the front of the bread line.)
ODYSSEUS: Could you spare some bread?
BREADMAN: Sorry, we don't serve homosexuals.
ODYSSEUS: Homo-whats? We're not homosexuals, we're Greek.
BREADMAN: Sorry, your togas make it really obvious. Get out of
ODYSSEUS: Oh, you son of a bitch! (He lunges at him, but
Telemachus backs him off.)
TELEMACHUS: Come on, dad. Let's blow this joint. HADES, 1945 AD!
(They are transported to 1945 AD. Hitler is sitting in his bunker
with Eva Braun, and Odysseus and Telemachus appear near them.)
HITLER: WAS IM NAMEN GOEBBELS? Oh Wartezeit, ist es einige
bärtige JUDEN kommt, mich vor meiner Zeit zu nehmen. Urteilend
von ihren Togas, sind sie vermutlich auch Zigeuner. Und
Homosexuelles. Homosexuelle jüdische Zigeuner. MEIN WEISSER WAL!
Eva, blitzen Ihre Brüste und werfen geld dorthin, um sie
(WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOEBBELS? Oh great. It's some bearded JEWS
come to take me before my time. Judging from their togas,
probably also gypsies. And gay. Gay Jewish gypsies. MY WHITE
WHALE! Eva, flash your tits and throw pennies over there to ward
ODYSSEUS: Listen man, we're not here to hurt you. We're not
gypsies. We're not gay, we're not Jewish.
HITLER: Είστε βέβαιοι?
ODYSSEUS: Wow, Hitler speaks Greek. How convenient. Yes. I am
HITLER: Τέλειος! Έτσι τι κάνετε εδώ?
ODYSSEUS: Oh, we're here to ask you why you're under persecution.
Are you some great leader fighting for good, who now has to hide
from the bad guys in a bunker?
HITLER: Αυτό που είπατε ακριβώς είναι σωστό στα χρήματα. Διώκομαι
για το δικαίωμα και ακριβώς τις πεποιθήσεις μου, και τις
ενέργειες που προσθετικό.
(What you just said is right on the money. I am being persecuted
for my beliefs, and actions, I might add.
TELEMACHUS: What'd you do?
HITLER: Δολοφόνησα συστηματικά δώδεκα εκατομμύριο ανθρώπους.
(I systematically murdered twelve million people.)
(A silence hangs in the air.)
ODYSSEUS: 1963 AD, please.
(They disappear. Cut to Martin Luther King making his "I Have a
Dream" speech on the national mall. Odysseus and Telemachus
appear in the crowd right next to a few white folks and a few
ODYSSEUS: Oh my god. What is this?
BLACK MAN (LET'S CALL HIM ANDREW): This is a civil right rally,
not a gay pride parade.
ODYSSEUS: JESUS CHRIST, Why does everybody think we're gay? I
f**ked a Russian woman like, two hundred years ago!
WHITE MAN: Shh.
ODYSSEUS: But sir, I meant how is this man's skin that color?
ANDREW: EXCUSE ME? IF DOCTOR KING WEREN'T HERE I WOULD BEAT THE
S**T OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW!
ODYSSEUS: OH NO. THIS GUY LOOKS SCARY. LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF
WHITE MAN: Telemachus? Oh, I loved you in The Odyssey. Can I get
TELEMACHUS: Sure, do you have papyrus?
ODYSSEUS: 1994 AD!
(They transport to a man on his computer in his house.)
ODYSSEUS: WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS IS THAT?
(Man turns around.)
MAN: Oh, you must be my internet installers. Go ahead and install
it. I'm going to and watch a VHS recording of a new episode of
Seinfeld and then I'm going to watch President Clinton's speech.
ODYSSEUS: What's the internet?
TELEMACHUS: I don't know, but we should go. That guy seems
ODYSSEUS: 2001 AD, PLEASE!
(We start with Laertes showing a home to Calypso and Achilles.)
CALYPSO: It doesn't have enough…men pleasuring me all the time…
LAERTES: Sweet lord, Calypso. This is not your island with the
gold riches and the never-ending bl**job factories.
CALYPSO: You're right. You're right.
ACHILLES: Okay, so this seems fine enough. We'll take it!
(They shake hands. Cut to Laertes showing Peisistratus a home.)
LAERTES: Well, Kevin says we have to live together, so. Here's
PEISISTRATUS: I specifically requested that I be housed with
PEISISTRATUS: Because she is a beautiful breast. I mean, person.
LAERTES: You are the horniest kid I've ever met. I like that. Now
when the hades is Odysseus coming back? He needs to help me run
(Cut to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Okay, you fagulas, you finally all have roommates.
But we still have one piece of business to attend to.
(The black man is brought on stage by Laertes and Eurylochus.)
KEVIN SPACEY: What child is this?
BLACK MAN: I'm an adult, mothaf**ka.
KEVIN SPACEY: What child is this, who, laid to rest On Mary's
lap, is sleeping? Whom angels greet with anthems sweet, while
shepherds watch are keeping?
CIRCE: This, this is Christ the King, Whom shepherds guard and
angels sing: Haste, haste to bring him laud, The Babe, the Son of
POLYPHEMUS: So bring Him incense, gold, and myrrh.
(They look at each other lovingly while the black man grows a
beard and puts on sandals and a white robe, and takes on the
appearance of an African-American Jesus.)
EURYMACHUS: Come peasant king to own Him, The King of kings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.
POLYXENA: Raise, raise the song on high, The Virgin sings her
lullaby: Joy, joy, for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary!
(The black man levitates ten inches above ground.)
JESUS CHRIST: My children, you have made me realize my patronage
as the son of God, but I musn't reveal myself to the world for
another 1,170 years.
HELIOS: OH, so that's why it's 1170 BC. "Before Christ".
JESUS CHRIST: Yes indeed. Stay tuned for the time of Jesus, in
POLITES: With all due respect sir, we'll all be dead by then.
HELIOS: I won't.
POLITES: With the exception of the immortal.
ACHILLES: Hey, I might be alive as long as nobody f**ks with my
JESUS CHRIST: This is no time to argue and fret. I must go into
heaven, so I can reincarnate in one millennium, one century and
seven decades into a beautiful child. Farewell.
KEVIN SPACEY: Farewell.
(Jesus Christ disappears.)
POLYXENA: I really feel…like I was a part of that. The people on
this island may appear strange, but…they have humanity just like
I do. I feel like I can spend my life here with Eurymachus.
POLYPHEMUS: I think…that Circe and I had a moment. Did we not? I
think we did.
ACHILLES: I have not been featured that much since I joined the
cast, but I have a little thing for Calypso I think so…yeah. I'm
pretty excited to live with her. Oh and also we witnessed the
messiah, and that was pretty cool.
POLITES: I haven't been featured that much either, but I feel
like people have been really…what's the word?
POLITES: No, not considerate.
POLITES: No, not conciliatory…
POLITES: No, not complaisant…
(We start with Polites putting up a pine tree in the main
corridor of the palace with everyone watching, except for
Odysseus and Telemachus.)
EURYMACHUS: Where'd you find a pine tree?
POLITES: In North Ithaca.
ANAVETE: I'm from there!
POLITES: Is that right?
PENELOPE: Where in god's name is Odysseus? He has been gone for
(Cut to Odysseus and Telemachus appearing in a hotel room in
ODYSSEUS: Alright, we are in 2001. Why a hotel room? Aren't we
usually transported to an historical event? What the hell, Hades?
TELEMACHUS: Let's turn on this magical box.
(He turns it on, and they see the horrible images of 9-11.)
ODYSSEUS: …Oh my god…
TELEMACHUS: What kind of sick person could do this? I can't look
at this anymore. 2008 AD, please.
(They are transported to Grant Park in Chicago, Illinois where
President-elect Obama is giving his acceptance speech.)
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA: Hello, Chicago. If there is anyone out
there, who still doubts that America is a place where all things
are possible. Who still wonders, if the dream of the founding
fathers is still alive in this time. Who still questions, the
power of our democracy. Tonight, is your answer.
ODYSSEUS: What is he saying?
TELEMACHUS: I don't know. I don't speak English. Maybe we should
get some one on one communication with him. Hades, take us to
(They are transported to the Lincoln Bedroom on January 20, 2009
at around midnight. The Obamas come in and turn on the lights.)
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: AH! JESUS CHRIST, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU
SECRET SERVICE GUY: Identify yourself, sir.
ODYSSEUS: I'm Odysseus, King of Ithaca, and this is my dead son
Telemachus, and we are here to talk to you. Do you speak Greek?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: What did he just say, Reggie?
REGGIE: He just said that he's Odysseus, the King of Ithaca, and
he's with his dead son Telemachus, and they are here to talk to
you. Then they asked if you spoke Greek. I'll deal with them.
Είμαι Reggie Love προσωπικός βοηθός Προέδρου Obama. Θα μεταφράσω
για σας. Τι θέλετε από τον Πρόεδρο?
ODYSSEUS: Mister President, how is your skin so brown?
REGGIE: (Sighs.) Θέλει να ξέρει πώς το δέρμα σας είναι καφετί.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Tell him that my ancestors were from Africa, and
their skin was burnt by the sun, and they developed melanin to
protect against it, which turned their skin brown.
REGGIE: Οι πρόγονοί του ήταν από την Αφρική, και το δέρμα τους
καηκε από τον ήλιο, και ανέπτυξαν τη μελανίνη που προστατεύει από
την, η οποία γύρισε το δέρμα τους καφετί.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, okay cool. See ya. 2010 AD, PLEASE!
(They are transported to a VANS store in 2010. The guy behind the
counter has a box full of "I LOVE BOOBIES" bracelets.)
PROBABYLY A GUY NAMED CHRIS: Hey, man. Want an "I LOVE BOOBIES"
bracelet to support the fight against breast cancer?
MAYBE A GUY NAMED JOSH OR SOME SH*T: Dude, I never thought those
Greek lessons would come in handy. I just did it so a girl would
give me a handy.
PERHAPS NICK: Θέλετε ένα " ΑΓΑΠΩ BOSOM" βραχιόλι για να
υποστηρίξει την πάλη ενάντια στο καρκίνο του μαστού, dude? Μόνο
(He gives them both bracelets.)
IT'S PROBABLY F*CKIN' NICK OR SOMETHING: δολάρια.
ODYSSEUS: Uh…we'll get the money to you, later. Anyway, time to
go see some Catherine boobies. 1692 AD, PLEASE!
(Odysseus and Telemachus are transported to 1692 Antarctica.)
ODYSSEUS: HOLY F**K IT'S COLD!
TELEMACHUS: WHY ARE WE GOING TO 1692?
ODYSSEUS: I NEED TO GET CATHERINE! OH MY LORD, TAKE US TO RUSSIA
FOR ZEUS' SAKES!
(They are transported to Catherine's palace. Catherine runs up to
CATHERINE: Odysseus! (She begins hugging him.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, Catherine. I love you.
CATHERINE: I LOVE YOU TOO!
TELEMACHUS: You have got to be kidding me.
(They release each other.)
CATHERINE: Take me with you!
ODYSSEUS: I shall, Catherine. To Hades with my foul wife!
HADES: (Offscreen) What?
ODYSSEUS: Not you, Hades.
CATHERINE: Where do you live, my love?
CATHERINE: I'll arrange a ship ride.
ODYSSEUS: In the 12th Century BC.
ODYSSEUS: HADES, 1170 BC PLEASE!
(The Russian waiter comes in.)
RUSSIAN WAITER: Ваше высочество выходя с одним ваших любовников
снова? Потому что я аранжирую для Nikita Panin принять сверх в
(Is your majesty leaving with one of your lovers again? Because I
will arrange for Nikita Panin to take over in the interim.
CATHERINE: Да я. Теперь пойдите!
(Yes I am. Now be gone!)
ODYSSEUS: ANYTIME NOW, HADES!
HADES: Oh, right.
(All except for the waiter are transported to Hades in 1170 BC.
The screaming, the fire, the torture, it's all there.)
CATHERINE: СВЯТЕЙШЕЕ ДЕРЬМО!
ODYSSEUS: Remember, we're speaking in Greek here.
CATHERINE: Oh, right. WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?
ODYSSEUS: Hades in 1170 BC.
CATHERINE: You…you're from the past?
CATHERINE: Oh my goodness…this is so scary, yet, strangely
ODYSSEUS: That's how I means it.
CATHERINE: Let's travel to your kingdom, King Odysseus!
ODYSSEUS: We shall. Telemachus (Turns to him.) I shall always and
forever love you. I will see you next Thursday.
TELEMACHUS: Bye, dad. I love you too.
CATHERINE: I look forward to getting to know you, Telemachus.
CATHERINE: Let us go!
(Cut to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Well everybody, this season's filming is coming to
a close. The clock has almost struck midnight. Too bad Odysseus
PENELOPE: Don't say that, he's coming back.
(Odysseus runs in with Catherine.)
(He runs past Penelope and hops onto the stage with Catherine,
pushing Kevin Spacey out of the way.)
ODYSSEUS: Ladies and gentleman, I have traveled through time!
POLYPHEMUS: We met the son of god! (Gets win bottle thrown at
ODYSSEUS: That's great. But I have also met the son of god as
child, in 1 AD.
POLITES: Wow, really? (Gets another wine bottle thrown at him.)
ODYSSEUS: Yes I have. I have met men of great valor and
importance in history. Jesus Christ, George Washington, Adolf
Hitler, Martin Luther King and President Barack Obama.
KEVIN SPACEY: All very important indeed. (Gets a third wine
bottle thrown at him.)
ODYSSEUS: Yes they are.
CIRCE: Jesus, would you stop?
ODYSSEUS: Sorry. Anyway, the most important person I met was the
Empress of Russia, Catherine the Great. We have consummated our
love, and plan to wed.
ODYSSEUS: Yes. Hades helped me travel through time after I went
to Hades to try and rescue my son, which I couldn't do, but I
still get to see him on Thursday and every other weekend,
PENELOPE: HOW COULD YOU?
ODYSSEUS: Please, don't interrupt. So after I found out I could
visit him in Hades, I said, "What the hades?" and had Hades help
my son and I travel through time. I met Catherine, we had sex,
and I picked her up later in the time loop. We came to 1170 BC