Page 1, PLEASE READ EPISODES 1-6 BEFORE READING THIS. On the season finale of NEO\'s \"The Real World: Ithaca\", Odysseus, Penelope, Circe and Calypso are back from their week-long leave of absence after the tragic deaths of Telemachus and Elpenor. Odysseus decides to travel to Hades and visit his son Telemachus, while Laertes must sell homes to everyone on the show in order to cut housing costs for the Network. Meanwhile, Polites and Laertes continue to have trouble figuring out who or what the brown man is who washed up on the island two weeks ago.
“THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA”
BROUGH TO YOU BY ZYBALTA AND VANS
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS INTENSE SEXUAL SITUATIONS AND NUDITY
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
NOW WITH MORE COMMERCIALS!
KEVIN SPACEY VOICOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus, Penelope, Circe, Calypso, Polyphemus, Eurymachus, Oedipus Rex, Anavete, Polites, Achilles, Polyxena, Laertes, Eurylochus and Peisistratus together on the same island? Find out in…THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA.
(We start with Kevin Spacey in the Royal Meeting Room with Odysseus, Penelope, Circe and Calypso standing next to him. Everybody is there except Laertes, Polyxena and Eurymachus.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Good morning everyone! It is November 7, 1170 BC to the E and I am Kevin Spacey LIVE in the Kingdom of Ithaca, with King Odysseus and Queen Penelope! Also joining us is Circe, the nymph of magic, and Calypso that sweet piece of ass we all want. Odysseus, Penelope and Circe are back after a leave of absence from the show they took two weeks ago when their son and Circe’s husband Telemachus, tragically passed. Calypso is also back after he longtime crush, Elpenor also passed. Let’s give a round of applause.
KEVIN SPACEY: Someone is missing, aren’t they? Three people are.
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, Laertes is showing Eurymachus and Polyxena a house.
KEVIN SPACEY: Really? Damn. Okay, Odysseus and Penelope, take it away.
ODYSSEUS: Hello, everybody. Ever since Telemachus passed, I have been extremely grief-stricken. But now I realize that I must be the only male in this family, and step up, take action and overcome. So I’m coming back even though it’s hard.
PENELOPE: I express a similar sentiment.
KEVIN SPACEY: Perfect!
(Polyxena, Eurymachus and Laertes come on stage.)
LAERTES: I just sold these two a house!
POLYXENA: It’s beautiful. We’re really glad with our decision.
ODYSSEUS: I didn’t know you were in the Real Estate business.
LAERTES: I am now. We are now. We’re Laertes and Son!
ODYSSEUS: Right. I’ll join you on that later. But right now, I got to go somewhere. Take Penelope to her chambers.
(Laertes takes her away.)
ODYSSEUS: Okay, well, I will be back a little later.
(He walks away.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Hell of a guy. Okay, today’s challenge is not really a challenge at all. You see, the network is cutting costs, so we’ve got to make roommates out of yous bums. Laertes will help you get houses and apartments throughout the island, because you all can’t just live in private chambers here at the King’s palace.
POLYPHEMUS: I can barely fit in the chambers I already have!
KEVIN SPACEY: Well, at least this way someone can live with you. Maybe Circe?
CIRCE: No way, he’s an asshole.
POLYPHEMUS: F**k you!
KEVIN SPACEY: HEY! You people need to learn how to get along. Now let me pair up some peoples.
KEVIN SPACEY: There we go.
CIRCE: Oh, c’mon man.
KEVIN SPACEY: Don’t whine and fret, just relax your ample jets.
(Cut to Odysseus getting on his ship. The camera is hidden in some bushes, and there is also a hidden camera on a nearby boat filming him. He unhooks the boat and it floats into the sea.)
ODYSSEUS: I’m coming, Telemachus.
(We start with Odysseus on his ship. He sails the ship toward a large inferno in the water. The camera closes up on the inferno. Out of it pops a muscular red man with a beard and a crown.)
ODYSSEUS: HADES, RULER OF HADES.
HADES: ODYSSEUS, RULER OF ODYSSEUS ISLAND.
ODYSSEUS: Actually, it’s Ithaca.
HADES: Oh, okay. That’s weird. Anyway, what can I do for you Odysseus, son of Laertes and man of many skills?
ODYSSEUS: Okay, let’s cut the Epithet bulls**t and get down to the reason I am here. I am here to get my son, who, I pray you Hades, went too soon.
HADES: Odysseus, I am not in charge of death. Zeus is in charge of that. It was his time, and I cannot define Zeus’ wishes.
ODYSSEUS: It was not his time. He was killed by a vengeful madman who had no care for the feelings of others. Adreines deserves to rot forever in here, not my son.
HADES: I simply cannot release people from Hades.
ODYSSEUS: You released Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus!
HADES: Yes, but they pleasured me in ways others could never do.
ODYSSEUS: That’s just lovely…listen, Telemachus is a good kid who deserves a longer life.
HADES: I cannot grant him life; however, I may grant you visitation rights. You may visit Telemachus in Hades every Thursday and every other weekend and one month in the summer.
ODYSSEUS: Today is Thursday.
HADES: Then go right ahead my friend.
(Odysseus jumps in. Cut to Eurymachus and Polyxena moving furniture into their palace. Eurymachus is moving a large table while Polyxena sits and drinks wine on a nearby chair.)
EURYMACHUS: God…damn…this is huge…do you mind?
POLYXENA: We just got this wine.
EURYMACHUS: Oh, of course.
(Cut to Polites and the black man from the last episode in Polites’ chambers. Laertes and Penelope are also there.)
POLITES: He just washed up on shore.
LAERTES: How is his skin so dark?
PENELOPE: It’s amazingly dark. I’ve never seen anything like this before. So strange.
POLITES: Well, I believe he must be from the land they call, “Africa”.
PENELOPE: I have not heard of this land. Is it close by?
POLITES: Relatively. You just have to cross the Aegean Sea and then make a couple of rights turns and you’re there.
PENELOPE: For some reason, I’m really tempted to enslave this guy.
BLACK MAN: Oh no.
(Cut to Laertes showing Circe and Polyphemus a crappy shack-house.)
LAERTES: This home has three walls, one bed, and a s**tting hole out back.
CIRCE: (Uncomfortable.) Is that right?
POLYPHEMUS: I love it. The ceilings are just high enough for me, and there’s a s**ttin’ hole!
CIRCE: Are you kidding me, Polyphemus? This is a place for poor people. I have a huge house back home in Aeaea.
POLYPHEMUS: Ugh, fine. We won’t take it, but we need something in our price range.
LAERTES: What’s your price range?
POLYPHEMUS: Uh…the show’s budget gave us like 35 jewels.
LAERTES: Oh, then this is much too expensive.
(We start with Eurymachus and Polyxena being shown squalor of a house.)
LAERTES: As you can see, it is a fixer-upper, and it has a window that can double as both a door, and a s**tting hole.
POLYPHEMUS: Sweet Helios…
CIRCE: This is terrible. How much does this hades hole cost?
LAERTES: About 35 jewels.
POLYPHEMUS: Can you get us the other place on a deal or something?
LAERTES: (Chuckles.) Oh, Polyphemus. For you, anything.
LAERTES: Besides that. Because that house is about 100 jewels.
POLYPHEMUS: What the hades, man…
LAERTES: That’s what I likes to call, the ol’ “Screw you, beggars can’t be choosers” move.
(Cut to Odysseus walking through Hades. There is fire, and holes filled with the suffering dead, and screaming and people eating each other, and there is a blood waterfall.)
ODYSSEUS: This place has gone to hell. TELEMACHUS! TELEMACHUS! TELEMACHUS!
TELEMACHUS’ VOICE: DAD! DAD! HELP ME!
ODYSSEUS: Oh my Zeus, it’s Telemachus! TELEMACHUS WHERE ARE YOU???
TELEMACHUS’ VOICE: DOWN HERE!
(Odysseus looks to a hole right beside him. The camera aims down into the hole, where a large amount of men, women and children are in a pool of blood, bathing.)
TELEMACHUS: DAD? ARE YOU DEAD?
ODYSSEUS: NO, JUST VISITING. IS THAT ELPENOR?
ODYSSEUS: OH WELL IT’S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! WHY DON’T YOU DROP DEAD? OH, WAIT!
ELPENOR: LISTEN, I’M SORRY. TELL CALYPSO I LOVE HER.
ODYSSEUS: WHATEVER. TELEMACHUS, YOU DON’T BELONG HERE. I’M GOING TO BUST YOU OUT!
TELEMACHUS: IMPOSSIBLE! HADES IS GUARDED BY FOUR-HEADED DOGS WITH SIX PENISES!
ODYSSEUS: SO DOESN’T THAT MEAN THEY HAVE TEN HEADS?
TELEMACHUS: NO, IT MEANS THEY CAN GET SIX HEAD!
ODYSSEUS: ANYWAY, I MANAGED TO DEFEAT A DICKLOAD OF SUITORS IN 1174 BC TO THE E, SO I THINK I CAN DEFEAT SOME ASSHOLE DOGS!
TELEMACHUS: DON’T BE SO SURE!
ADREINES: I JUST WANT TO SAY TELEMACHUS, THAT FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH, I’M SORRY I KILLED YOUR SON!
ODYSSEUS: I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT, I DON’T FORGIVE YOU!
ADREINES: UNDERSTANDABLE! TELL OUJA I LOVE HER!
ODYSSEUS: NO! ANYWAY TELEMACHUS, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE!
TELEMACHUS: YOU DON’T THINK I’VE TRIED?
ODYSSEUS: WELL, I’LL GET YOU OUT!
(Odysseus extends his hand, and Telemachus grabs onto it, and Odysseus strains his back to lift up his blood-covered son.)
TELEMACHUS: OH MY GOD, thank you dad.
ODYSSEUS: I pray you, what is the afterlife like?
TELEMACHUS: Ti’s a dreadful experience. We bathe in blood, get whipped and tortured, and the only good thing about it is we get to time travel.
TELEMACHUS: Yes. I haven’t done it yet but, yeah.
ODYSSEUS: Do it.
TELEMACHUS: Uh, okay…I’ll try my best. OH HADES! GIVETH TO THY THE POWER OF TIME TRAVEL!
HADES: GRANTED! YEAR?
TELEMACHUS: 1 AD!
(They are transported to a manger where Jesus is resting as a newborn baby.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh my god.
TELEMACHUS: Just being in the presence of this child makes my eyes watery!
MARY: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE? AND WHAT KIND OF LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING? GREEK?
TELEMACHUS: Um, Damnit. There’s a language barrier. I HERE TO SEE BABY.
(The three wise men gallop in.)
WISE MAN: There it is! There’s the child!
MARY: We named him Jesus. Jesus Christ. But I’ve never even had sex!
TELEMACHUS: HA HA! (They both high five.)
JOSEPH: GET OUT!
ODYSSEUS: Okay. HADES, TAKE US TO 500 AD!
(They transport to a street in Rome, where people are running in fear, as fire rages behind them.)
ODYSSEUS: JESUS CHRIST…
TELEMACHUS: No, this is not Jesus’ birth; this is like, a goddamn city in ruin!
ODYSSEUS: No, I know, it just seems fun to say his name as an exclamatory.
TELEMACHUS: That’s true.
(Someone runs by on fire.)
TELEMACHUS: JESUS CHRIST…Damn, that just sounds right.
ODYSSEUS: Doesn’t it?
(A bull runs by.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh my god, we need to get the hades out of here.
TELEMACHUS: You’re right. It looks like some empire is falling or something. HADES, TAKE US TO 1000 AD!
(They are transported to a room in Europe where a man is coughing up blood, and is covered in scabs and sores. There are also rats running everywhere.)
MAN: AGHHH! IT HURTS LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS!
ODYSSEUS: I still don’t know what these people are saying.
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, neither do I. Plus, this guy looks like he’s sick as a dog and covered in rat s**t. Let’s go. HADES, TAKE US TO 1492 AD!
(They are transported to 1492, and they are on the Nina with Christopher Columbus.)
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: L'India è vicino. Posso vedere quella gente marrone.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, great. A language barrier again.
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, I don’t recognize this language.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: (Turns around.) Chi sono voi la gente?
(SUBTITLES: Who are you people?)
ODYSSEUS: Uh, WE SPEAK GREEK.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Greco? Conosco un certo Greco. Uh, είμαι Χριστόφορος Κολόμβος, uh, καπετάνιος του σκάφους νερού. Είμαστε uh, Ινδία που πηγαίνει.
(SUBTITLES: Greek? I speak some Greek. Uh, I am Christopher Columbus, uh, Captain of this water vessel. India we are going to see.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, good. Well I am Odysseus, and this is Telemachus.
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Ευχάριστος να σας συναντήσει. Τι σε το όνομα του s είναι εσείς που κάνετε εδώ?
(SUBTITLES: Oh, pleasant to meet you. What in god’s name are you doing here?)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, we hitched a ride. We’re stow aways.
(A silence hangs in the air. Cut to Odysseus and Telemachus on the plank.)
ODYSSEUS: We got to go. HADES, 1762 AD PLEASE!
(Cut to Catherine II of Russia in her sitting room, drinking tea. She is a beautiful, black haired, large bosomed mid-30’s woman. Odysseus and Telemachus are transported in.)
CATHERINE: Моя доброта! Oh здравствулте!, справедливые путешественники. Вы 2 в потребности помощи? Вы кажетесь довольно редкий на одеждах.
(My goodness! Oh, hello fair travelers. Are you two in need of assistance? You seem rather sparse on clothes.)
ODYSSEUS: (He is wide-eyed at her beauty.) Uhh…do you speak Greek?
CATHERINE: (Speaking Greek) Yes, I do speak Greek. Would you two care for tea?
TELEMACHUS: (Also wide-eyed) Yes. I want tea so much.
CATHERINE: Perfect! Vacily!
(A Russian waiter comes over with tea.)
WAITER: Ваше высочество оценило бы хлеб или вино для того чтобы пойти с чаем?
(Would your majesty appreciate bread or wine to go with your tea?)
(She takes the tea.)
CATHERINE: Никак вы. Я молю вас однако, для того чтобы fetch некоторая одежда для этого джентльмена. Я думаю что они греки.
(Waiter bows his head and leaves.)
ODYSSEUS: You are very pretty.
(Catherine hands them both tea.)
CATHERINE: Thank you.
TELEMACHUS: So you rule what exactly?
CATHERINE: I am the Empress of Russia.
ODYSSEUS: Is there a, Emperor of Russia?
CATHERINE: No, not particularly. I am not tied down to anyone really, I have lovers, no doubt that I have spent many a casual afternoon with.
ODYSSEUS: Wow. You’re stunning. Can I see your bedroom after tea? I would love to see the elegance of this palace.
TELEMACHUS: So would I. (Odysseus elbows him.) OW!
CATHERINE: Absolutely. But I pray you, what are these devices in front of us?
ODYSSEUS: Don’t worry about them. They’re just, good luck charms.
(Catherine looks into the camera.)
CATHERINE: I see.
ODYSSEUS: Yeah. Let’s see that bed room.
(Cut to hidden camera footage of Odysseus and Catherine having vaginal sex on her beautiful queen-sized bed in her royal bedroom. The penis and vagina is pixelated, but the breasts and the buttocks are not.)
CATHERINE: OH OH! OH! ODYSSEUS!!!!
(Cut to Odysseus leaving Catherine’s bedroom, exhausted.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, oh Sweet Helios…
(Telemachus comes in.)
TELEMACHUS: I hate you.
ODYSSEUS: (Breathing heavily.) Yeah…anyway, we should get going before she tries to come with us. 1776 AD, PLEASE!
(Cut to the founding fathers signing the declaration of independence. They pop in.)
ODYSSEUS: Isn’t it convenient that we always wind up at a huge historical event?
(Thomas Jefferson turns around.)
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Who are you two? And what’s with the clothes?
ODYSSEUS: Oh, Christ. This guy speaks crazy speak too. WE SPEAK GREEK.
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Greek? Oh, okay. είστε άνθρωποι και τι μπορούμε να κάνουμε για σας; Επίσης, τι είναι εξετάζει τις τηβέννους σας?
(SUBTITLES: Who are you people and what can we do for you and what is the deal with your clothes?)
ODYSSEUS: Well, we are…homosexuals.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Δεν λέτε; Είμαστε όλοι οι ομοφυλόφιλοι επίσης! Μετά από αυτό όλοι πρόκειται να κάνουμε την παλαιές πρόσκρουση και την απόρριψη. Είστε μέσα?
(SUBTITLES: You don’t say. We’re all homosexuals too. After this, we’re all going to do the old bump and dump. You in?)
ODYSSEUS: Uh…we’re fine. Thank you and goodbye. 1865 AD, PLEASE!
(They are transported to a booth right near President Lincoln’s booth in April 1865 at Ford’s Theatre.)
ODYSSEUS: Holy crap…this place is just like the theatres back home but with more clothes!
TELEMACHUS: People do seem to where a lot of clothes in the future.
(John Wilkes booth stands up.)
JOHN WILKES BOOTH: SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS! (Shoots President Lincoln in the back of the head. He slumps over in his chair.)
ODYSSEUS: HOLY RENEGADE OF FUNK!
TELEMACHUS: Shut up, we haven’t gotten to the 2000’s yet.
MARY LINCOLN: OH MY GOONESS! STOP THAT MAN!
TELEMACHUS: This could get ugly. Let’s get out of here.
ODYSSEUS: Agreed. 1929 AD!
(Cut to Polites and Laertes studying the black man, who is tied to the wall.)
POLITES: WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?
BLACK MAN: My name’s whatever you want it to be.
LAERTES: That’s a good point. You are my slave now.
BLACK MAN: Oh, joy.
LAERTES: So, you will be Laertes Jr.
BLACK MAN: Okay. What do you want for me to do, master?
LAERTES; Uh, well…wait a minute; where in the world is Odysseus? He was supposed to be back by now.
POLITES: That is strange.
LAERTES: Okay, I have houses to show, but you two go and find Odysseus or I’ll fire you.
POLITES: I will do that.
LAERTES: Of course you will.
(Cut to Calypso and Achilles being shown a house by Laertes.)
LAERTES: The fixture is nice and stuff. You want it?
(Cut to Eurylochus being shown a house by Laertes.)
EURYLOCHUS: I’m sure if Polites were here, he would agree that this is the house for us.
LAERTES: Right. Are you two uh, gays?
EURYLOCHUS: WHAT? Oh, god. Thanks for that new insecurity.
LAERTES: Alright, sorry man.
(Cut to Laertes showing Oedipus Rex and Anavete a hovel. It’s made of mud and sticks, and ground is covered in grass, and there are two beds made of hay)
ANAVETE: The f**k’s this?
OEDIPUS REX: Does it look good?
ANAVETE: Take a look, dumbc**t. Oh wait, you’re blind as a goddamn bat suckin’ on an enormous-
OEDIPUS REX: That’ll be enough. God, dude why are you so vulgar?
ANAVETE: I was raised that way. In the streets of North Ithaca and sh*t.
OEDIPUS: Oh great. I can’t wait to live with some vulgar jerk who thinks he’s tough.
LAERTES: Yeah, there are not enough bleeps in the world for what you just said. But, I deal with jerks all the time! Should I ring this dump up?
OEDIPUS REX: It’s a dump?
LAERTES: No of course not. Should I ring this yeasty taint up?
(Cut to Wall Street on Black Friday. People are freaking out, trying to take their money out stocks. Odysseus and Telemachus are transported to the middle of it all.)
ODYSSEUS: Wow, people are really freaking out.
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, they seem to be really holding onto their bowler hats, and watching silent movies.
(A man runs by in a suit on fire)
MAN: AGGHHH!!!! THAT HOOVER IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!!
TELEMACHUS: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
ODYSSEUS: I don’t know, but the future scares me. This seems like a bigger empire than even Athens! It’s like a concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Let’s go. HADES, 1932 AD, PLEASE!
(They are transported to a bread line in New York City. And old man is behind them, drooling.)
ODYSSEUS: Depression hurts. So try Zybalta.
TELEMACHUS: This is an economic depression, not a-oh. Shameless product placement. Gotcha.
(Cut to Odysseus and Telemachus at the front of the bread line.)
ODYSSEUS: Could you spare some bread?
BREADMAN: Sorry, we don’t serve homosexuals.
ODYSSEUS: Homo-whats? We’re not homosexuals, we’re Greek.
BREADMAN: Sorry, your togas make it really obvious. Get out of here, queers.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, you son of a bitch! (He lunges at him, but Telemachus backs him off.)
TELEMACHUS: Come on, dad. Let’s blow this joint. HADES, 1945 AD!
(They are transported to 1945 AD. Hitler is sitting in his bunker with Eva Braun, and Odysseus and Telemachus appear near them.)
HITLER: WAS IM NAMEN GOEBBELS? Oh Wartezeit, ist es einige bärtige JUDEN kommt, mich vor meiner Zeit zu nehmen. Urteilend von ihren Togas, sind sie vermutlich auch Zigeuner. Und Homosexuelles. Homosexuelle jüdische Zigeuner. MEIN WEISSER WAL! Eva, blitzen Ihre Brüste und werfen geld dorthin, um sie abzuwehren!
(WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOEBBELS? Oh great. It’s some bearded JEWS come to take me before my time. Judging from their togas, probably also gypsies. And gay. Gay Jewish gypsies. MY WHITE WHALE! Eva, flash your tits and throw pennies over there to ward them off!)
ODYSSEUS: Listen man, we’re not here to hurt you. We’re not gypsies. We’re not gay, we’re not Jewish.
HITLER: Είστε βέβαιοι?
ODYSSEUS: Wow, Hitler speaks Greek. How convenient. Yes. I am sure.
HITLER: Τέλειος! Έτσι τι κάνετε εδώ?
ODYSSEUS: Oh, we’re here to ask you why you’re under persecution. Are you some great leader fighting for good, who now has to hide from the bad guys in a bunker?
HITLER: Αυτό που είπατε ακριβώς είναι σωστό στα χρήματα. Διώκομαι για το δικαίωμα και ακριβώς τις πεποιθήσεις μου, και τις ενέργειες που προσθετικό.
(What you just said is right on the money. I am being persecuted for my beliefs, and actions, I might add.
TELEMACHUS: What’d you do?
HITLER: Δολοφόνησα συστηματικά δώδεκα εκατομμύριο ανθρώπους.
(I systematically murdered twelve million people.)
(A silence hangs in the air.)
ODYSSEUS: 1963 AD, please.
(They disappear. Cut to Martin Luther King making his “I Have a Dream” speech on the national mall. Odysseus and Telemachus appear in the crowd right next to a few white folks and a few black folks.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh my god. What is this?
BLACK MAN (LET’S CALL HIM ANDREW): This is a civil right rally, not a gay pride parade.
ODYSSEUS: JESUS CHRIST, Why does everybody think we’re gay? I f**ked a Russian woman like, two hundred years ago!
WHITE MAN: Shh.
ODYSSEUS: But sir, I meant how is this man’s skin that color?
ANDREW: EXCUSE ME? IF DOCTOR KING WEREN’T HERE I WOULD BEAT THE S**T OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW!
ODYSSEUS: OH NO. THIS GUY LOOKS SCARY. LET’S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, TELEMACHUS.
WHITE MAN: Telemachus? Oh, I loved you in The Odyssey. Can I get an autograph?
TELEMACHUS: Sure, do you have papyrus?
ODYSSEUS: 1994 AD!
(They transport to a man on his computer in his house.)
ODYSSEUS: WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS IS THAT?
(Man turns around.)
MAN: Oh, you must be my internet installers. Go ahead and install it. I’m going to and watch a VHS recording of a new episode of Seinfeld and then I’m going to watch President Clinton’s speech. (He leaves.)
ODYSSEUS: What’s the internet?
TELEMACHUS: I don’t know, but we should go. That guy seems creepy.
ODYSSEUS: 2001 AD, PLEASE!
(We start with Laertes showing a home to Calypso and Achilles.)
CALYPSO: It doesn’t have enough…men pleasuring me all the time…
LAERTES: Sweet lord, Calypso. This is not your island with the gold riches and the never-ending bl**job factories.
CALYPSO: You’re right. You’re right.
ACHILLES: Okay, so this seems fine enough. We’ll take it!
(They shake hands. Cut to Laertes showing Peisistratus a home.)
LAERTES: Well, Kevin says we have to live together, so. Here’s the house.
PEISISTRATUS: I specifically requested that I be housed with Polyxena.
PEISISTRATUS: Because she is a beautiful breast. I mean, person.
LAERTES: You are the horniest kid I’ve ever met. I like that. Now when the hades is Odysseus coming back? He needs to help me run the business.
(Cut to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Okay, you fagulas, you finally all have roommates. But we still have one piece of business to attend to.
(The black man is brought on stage by Laertes and Eurylochus.)
KEVIN SPACEY: What child is this?
BLACK MAN: I’m an adult, mothaf**ka.
KEVIN SPACEY: What child is this, who, laid to rest On Mary's lap, is sleeping? Whom angels greet with anthems sweet, while shepherds watch are keeping?
CIRCE: This, this is Christ the King, Whom shepherds guard and angels sing: Haste, haste to bring him laud, The Babe, the Son of Mary!
POLYPHEMUS: So bring Him incense, gold, and myrrh.
(They look at each other lovingly while the black man grows a beard and puts on sandals and a white robe, and takes on the appearance of an African-American Jesus.)
EURYMACHUS: Come peasant king to own Him, The King of kings, salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.
POLYXENA: Raise, raise the song on high, The Virgin sings her lullaby: Joy, joy, for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary!
(The black man levitates ten inches above ground.)
JESUS CHRIST: My children, you have made me realize my patronage as the son of God, but I musn’t reveal myself to the world for another 1,170 years.
HELIOS: OH, so that’s why it’s 1170 BC. “Before Christ”.
JESUS CHRIST: Yes indeed. Stay tuned for the time of Jesus, in 1,170 years.
POLITES: With all due respect sir, we’ll all be dead by then.
HELIOS: I won’t.
POLITES: With the exception of the immortal.
ACHILLES: Hey, I might be alive as long as nobody f**ks with my heel.
JESUS CHRIST: This is no time to argue and fret. I must go into heaven, so I can reincarnate in one millennium, one century and seven decades into a beautiful child. Farewell.
KEVIN SPACEY: Farewell.
(Jesus Christ disappears.)
POLYXENA: I really feel…like I was a part of that. The people on this island may appear strange, but…they have humanity just like I do. I feel like I can spend my life here with Eurymachus.
POLYPHEMUS: I think…that Circe and I had a moment. Did we not? I think we did.
ACHILLES: I have not been featured that much since I joined the cast, but I have a little thing for Calypso I think so…yeah. I’m pretty excited to live with her. Oh and also we witnessed the messiah, and that was pretty cool.
POLITES: I haven’t been featured that much either, but I feel like people have been really…what’s the word?
POLITES: No, not considerate.
POLITES: No, not conciliatory…
POLITES: No, not complaisant…
(We start with Polites putting up a pine tree in the main corridor of the palace with everyone watching, except for Odysseus and Telemachus.)
EURYMACHUS: Where’d you find a pine tree?
POLITES: In North Ithaca.
ANAVETE: I’m from there!
POLITES: Is that right?
PENELOPE: Where in god’s name is Odysseus? He has been gone for hours.
(Cut to Odysseus and Telemachus appearing in a hotel room in September 2001.)
ODYSSEUS: Alright, we are in 2001. Why a hotel room? Aren’t we usually transported to an historical event? What the hell, Hades?
TELEMACHUS: Let’s turn on this magical box.
(He turns it on, and they see the horrible images of 9-11.)
ODYSSEUS: …Oh my god…
TELEMACHUS: What kind of sick person could do this? I can’t look at this anymore. 2008 AD, please.
(They are transported to Grant Park in Chicago, Illinois where President-elect Obama is giving his acceptance speech.)
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA: Hello, Chicago. If there is anyone out there, who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible. Who still wonders, if the dream of the founding fathers is still alive in this time. Who still questions, the power of our democracy. Tonight, is your answer.
ODYSSEUS: What is he saying?
TELEMACHUS: I don’t know. I don’t speak English. Maybe we should get some one on one communication with him. Hades, take us to 2009 AD!
(They are transported to the Lincoln Bedroom on January 20, 2009 at around midnight. The Obamas come in and turn on the lights.)
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: AH! JESUS CHRIST, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?
SECRET SERVICE GUY: Identify yourself, sir.
ODYSSEUS: I’m Odysseus, King of Ithaca, and this is my dead son Telemachus, and we are here to talk to you. Do you speak Greek?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: What did he just say, Reggie?
REGGIE: He just said that he’s Odysseus, the King of Ithaca, and he’s with his dead
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