"THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA"
BROUGHT TO YOU BY ZYBALTA AND VANS
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS INTENSE SEXUAL SITUATIONS AND NUDITY
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
REGGIE: He just said that he's Odysseus, the King of Ithaca, and
he's with his dead son Telemachus, and they are here to talk to
you. Then they asked if you spoke Greek. I'll deal with them.
Είμαι Reggie Love προσωπικός βοηθός Προέδρου Obama. Θα μεταφράσω
για σας. Τι θέλετε από τον Πρόεδρο?
ODYSSEUS: Mister President, how is your skin so brown?
REGGIE: (Sighs.) Θέλει να ξέρει πώς το δέρμα σας είναι καφετί.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Tell him that my ancestors were from Africa, and
their skin was burnt by the sun, and they developed melanin to
protect against it, which turned their skin brown.
REGGIE: Οι πρόγονοί του ήταν από την Αφρική, και το δέρμα τους
καηκε από τον ήλιο, και ανέπτυξαν τη μελανίνη που προστατεύει από
την, η οποία γύρισε το δέρμα τους καφετί.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, okay cool. See ya. 2010 AD, PLEASE!
(They are transported to a VANS store in 2010. The guy behind the
counter has a box full of "I LOVE BOOBIES" bracelets.)
PROBABYLY A GUY NAMED CHRIS: Hey, man. Want an "I LOVE BOOBIES"
bracelet to support the fight against breast cancer?
MAYBE A GUY NAMED JOSH OR SOME SH*T: Dude, I never thought those
Greek lessons would come in handy. I just did it so a girl would
give me a handy.
PERHAPS NICK: Θέλετε ένα " ΑΓΑΠΩ BOSOM" βραχιόλι για να
υποστηρίξει την πάλη ενάντια στο καρκίνο του μαστού, dude? Μόνο
(He gives them both bracelets.)
IT'S PROBABLY F*CKIN' NICK OR SOMETHING: δολάρια.
ODYSSEUS: Uh…we'll get the money to you, later. Anyway, time to
go see some Catherine boobies. 1692 AD, PLEASE!
(Odysseus and Telemachus are transported to 1692 Antarctica.)
ODYSSEUS: HOLY F**K IT'S COLD!
TELEMACHUS: WHY ARE WE GOING TO 1692?
ODYSSEUS: I NEED TO GET CATHERINE! OH MY LORD, TAKE US TO RUSSIA
FOR ZEUS' SAKES!
(They are transported to Catherine's palace. Catherine runs up to
CATHERINE: Odysseus! (She begins hugging him.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, Catherine. I love you.
CATHERINE: I LOVE YOU TOO!
TELEMACHUS: You have got to be kidding me.
(They release each other.)
CATHERINE: Take me with you!
ODYSSEUS: I shall, Catherine. To Hades with my foul wife!
HADES: (Offscreen) What?
ODYSSEUS: Not you, Hades.
CATHERINE: Where do you live, my love?
CATHERINE: I'll arrange a ship ride.
ODYSSEUS: In the 12th Century BC.
ODYSSEUS: HADES, 1170 BC PLEASE!
(The Russian waiter comes in.)
RUSSIAN WAITER: Ваше высочество выходя с одним ваших любовников
снова? Потому что я аранжирую для Nikita Panin принять сверх в
(Is your majesty leaving with one of your lovers again? Because I
will arrange for Nikita Panin to take over in the interim.
CATHERINE: Да я. Теперь пойдите!
(Yes I am. Now be gone!)
ODYSSEUS: ANYTIME NOW, HADES!
HADES: Oh, right.
(All except for the waiter are transported to Hades in 1170 BC.
The screaming, the fire, the torture, it's all there.)
CATHERINE: СВЯТЕЙШЕЕ ДЕРЬМО!
ODYSSEUS: Remember, we're speaking in Greek here.
CATHERINE: Oh, right. WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?
ODYSSEUS: Hades in 1170 BC.
CATHERINE: You…you're from the past?
CATHERINE: Oh my goodness…this is so scary, yet, strangely
ODYSSEUS: That's how I means it.
CATHERINE: Let's travel to your kingdom, King Odysseus!
ODYSSEUS: We shall. Telemachus (Turns to him.) I shall always and
forever love you. I will see you next Thursday.
TELEMACHUS: Bye, dad. I love you too.
CATHERINE: I look forward to getting to know you, Telemachus.
CATHERINE: Let us go!
(Cut to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Well everybody, this season's filming is coming to
a close. The clock has almost struck midnight. Too bad Odysseus
PENELOPE: Don't say that, he's coming back.
(Odysseus runs in with Catherine.)
(He runs past Penelope and hops onto the stage with Catherine,
pushing Kevin Spacey out of the way.)
ODYSSEUS: Ladies and gentleman, I have traveled through time!
POLYPHEMUS: We met the son of god! (Gets win bottle thrown at
ODYSSEUS: That's great. But I have also met the son of god as
child, in 1 AD.
POLITES: Wow, really? (Gets another wine bottle thrown at him.)
ODYSSEUS: Yes I have. I have met men of great valor and
importance in history. Jesus Christ, George Washington, Adolf
Hitler, Martin Luther King and President Barack Obama.
KEVIN SPACEY: All very important indeed. (Gets a third wine
bottle thrown at him.)
ODYSSEUS: Yes they are.
CIRCE: Jesus, would you stop?
ODYSSEUS: Sorry. Anyway, the most important person I met was the
Empress of Russia, Catherine the Great. We have consummated our
love, and plan to wed.
ODYSSEUS: Yes. Hades helped me travel through time after I went
to Hades to try and rescue my son, which I couldn't do, but I
still get to see him on Thursday and every other weekend,
PENELOPE: HOW COULD YOU?
ODYSSEUS: Please, don't interrupt. So after I found out I could
visit him in Hades, I said, "What the hades?" and had Hades help
my son and I travel through time. I met Catherine, we had sex,
and I picked her up later in the time loop. We came to 1170 BC,
said goodbye to my son in Hades, and came here to tell you all.
PENELOPE: YOU STUPID ASSHOLE! YOU CAN'T MARRY HER, YOU'RE MARRIED
ODYSSEUS: Oh, that's right, damn. How can I nullify our marriage?
Do you know?
(Camera pans to the left to reveal a typical Greek man in a
DIVORCIUS: Uh…you guys could sign a document saying that your
marriage and all of its benefits are nullified, and then you
could split custody of your dead son, and also give each other
half of your s**t.
ODYSSEUS: That's a great idea; we could call it, what's your
DIVORCIUS: Divorcius, son of Subpoeanaius and Indictus.
ODYSSEUS: Divorce! We could call it divorce.
PENELOPE: WELL THIS IS BULLS**T. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
YOU, YOU, YOU GOAT LICKER!
(She storms off.)
ODYSSEUS: Goat licker?
CATHERINE: Forget her! We are engaged now.
LAERTES: Congratulations, you two. Once you're married though
Odysseus, you need to help me with Laertes & Son.
ODYSSEUS: Okay, dad.
(Kevin Spacey gets up with a red bump on his head.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Hey Divorcius, do you want to be a cast member?
(Odysseus shoots an arrow into Divorcius' heart.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Jesus Christ…I'm seeing colors again…remember
viewers, next season, we'll be going Apprentice all over The
Odyssey's ass. Stay tuned for Season two of…The
Real…World…Ithaca. (Falls down.)
(Catherine pops some champagne.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: In the end, Odysseus saw history in
perspective, and impulsively chose to marry some woman with huge
(Cut to Circe and Polyphemus having vaginal sex in their cheap
hovel. Once again, the breasts and buttocks are shown, and the
penis and vagina are pixelated.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: Circe and Polyphemus found their spark in
the wake of Telemachus' passing,
(Cut to Polyxena and Eurymachus sharing some wine on the porch of
their new house.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: Polyxena discovered that a little
understanding was the solution to her out of place issues,
(Cut to a shot of the sky above.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: Jesus Christ inspired the whole island,
(Cut to Penelope crying in her chambers.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: Penelope learned that size matters.
(Cut to Telemachus in Hades.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: And Telemachus learned that to survive
Hades, you have to have hope. What will happen to Odysseus,
Penelope, Telemachus, Peisistratus, Laertes, Calypso, Circe,
Polyphemus, Achilles, Polites, Eurymachus, Polyxena, Eurylochus,
Helios, Oedipus Rex and Anavete? Find out in the next season
of…THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA. Play us out, Cage the Elephant!
(The "Cage the Elephant "song "Lotus plays during the end
credits. The link that song is here: