Mel and her parents are looking around a spooky house. The
estate agent is explaining everything to them. Mel keeps hearing
these strange noises that no one else can hear and seeing shadows
on the wall. They are in the swimming pool room.
Estate Agent: (waving her arms about) As you can see it is a very
beautiful pool, and perfect for your daughter.
Mel glares at her.
Dad: Mel doesn't really like water. She fell down the toilet when
she was younger and was severely traumatized.
They all laugh except Mel.
Estate Agent: Well, that's all there is really.
Dad: I don't think we'll be taking it, sorry.
Estate Agent: (shouting and waving her arms) You mean I walked
all the way around this house AND YOU DON'T WANT IT?!
Dad: (shrugs) Sorry.
They all walk out the room. The camera focuses on the swimming
pool and a fin cuts through the water.
The estate agent and Mel's parents are talking on the front
steps. Mel is wandering round the hall. The door suddenly slams
shut and locks. Mel runs over to it and screams.
Mel: (shouting) MUM! DAD! Help!
Dad: It's okay Mel! We have the keys!
Estate Agent: Err…No we don't.
Estate Agent shuffles about.
Estate Agent: I, um, left them in my car. And now my car has
They turn around. There is no car, only a Land Rover.
Dad: Mel! We're going to get help. Stay here!
Mel: As if I have a choice!
Mel's parents and the estate agent jump into the land rover
and drive away down the drive. The camera watches them and then
turns back to Mel. She sighs and sits down on the sofa. Suddenly
there is a bloodcurdling scream and someone comes flying down the
stairs. Mel jumps up and screams. So does the person. They stand
there screaming for about five minutes.
Secret Agent: Well, this is boring.
Mel: (shouts) Who are you!?
Secret Agent: The question is…who are you?
Mel gives him a death glare.
Secret Agent: Uh, if I told you, I would have to kill you!
Mel: Fair enough.
Secret Agent: (looking around fearfully) Hey, you haven't seen
any evil dogs around here have you?
Mel: (laughs) Evil dogs? You have got to be kidding me.
Secret Agent: (shrugs) Nope, there he is now.
A large brown dog is sat in the entrance to the kitchen. It is
staring at Secret Agent.
Mel: (moves next to Secret Agent) Bloody hell! Where'd that come
Secret Agent ignores her and grabs her arm.
Secret Agent: We should back away now. When I count to three,
They slowly back away.
Secret Agent: One, two…
He runs up the stairs, leaving Mel.
Mel: (shouts) Hey!
She runs after Secret Agent and the dog runs after them. They
run into a random room and lock the door.
Secret Agent: (surprised) Oh, you're still here.
Mel: Damn right I am.
They turn around only to see a wailing woman in a wedding
dress, she had blood down the front.
Wedding Ghost: (wails) He left meee!!!
Secret Agent: (covers ears) I'm not surprised.
Mel punches his arm and walks over to the woman.
Mel: It's okay. He was probably really ugly.
Wedding Ghost: (shrieks) HE WAS TOM CRUISE!!!!
Mel: Oh, urm…a tragic loss.
The ghost screams and runs into the door. She falls onto the
ground and lays there.
Mel: (frowns) I thought ghosts could run through walls?
Secret Agent: These ghosts aren't normal…Dun dun duuuunnn!!
Mel: Shut up.
Secret Agent: Okay.
Mel: So, you gonna tel me why I am in a house with a weirdo who
had a water pistol in his belt.
Secret Agent looks offended.
Secret Agent: (glares at her) This is my trusty gun!
Mel rolls her eyes and opens the door. The dog is gone.
Mel: (looking back at him) It's okay, the evil dog has gone.
Secret Agent: (holds head up) I wasn't scared.
Mel barks like a dog. Secret Agent screams and hides behind a
Secret Agent: (narrows eyes) You're mean.
Mel: And you're weird. Now tell me how to get out of here!
Secret Agent: (looks away) Hmmm..Why should I?
Mel: You don't know do you?
Secret Agent: Fine! So I've been here for a week! Who cares?
Mel shakes her head and steps over the ghost. She looks back
at Secret Agent.
Mel: You coming, or what?
Secret Agent follows her and they stand in the corridor.
Secret Agent: (points forward) I think we should go this way.
Secret Agent: I dunno, I have a hunch.
Mel shrugs and they walk down the corridor. Secret Agent is
darting around, holding is gun up and pressing up against walls.
They finally get to the end and walk into a room with a long
table and weird pale people.
Mel: Hey, they look like…-
Secret Agent: (shouts) Vampires!
The Vampires his and leap over to Mel and Secret Agent. They
crouch down and glare up at them.
Mel: You had a hunch? YOU HAD A HUNCH??!!
Secret Agent: (winces) I didn't know it meant vampires.
The Vampires creep forward and Secret Agent points the water
pistol out. He sprays it at them, they don't move.
Mel: (sarcastically) That worked.
Secret Agent: Did you not know that you're a bully, or is it a
secret past time?
Mel punches his arm. Suddenly a Vampire jumps forward. Secret
Agent dodges it and then starts screaming hysterically. Mel runs
to the blinds. She pulls them open and light streams in on the
Vampire. It screams and they all run underneath the table in a
poof of sparkly glitter dust.
Mel: (shouts) Hell yeah!
Secret Agent: (grinning) Do you think Bella's down there?
Mel: (shaking her head) Come on weakling, let's get out of here.
They walk to a far door and open it. They slowly walk down.
The camera is at a high angle, looking down at them. They see a
swimming pool. Everything is still.
Mel: A way out, huh?
Secret Agent: (sighing) Face it! We're stuck here!
Secret Agent starts wailing and accidentally shoves Mel into
the water. Mel screams and flails about in the water. Secret
Agent starts laughing.
Mel: (shouting) AHHH!! TOILETS!! AHHH! I'm going to kill you when
I get out of here!
Secret Agent: (points) Oh my God! A shark! Swim, Mel, swim!
Mel: Yeah right, I'm so gonna believe that.
Mel suddenly shoots down under the water. She thrashes
Mel: (screaming) HELP!! A SHARK!! HEEEEELLPP!!
Secret Agent: Told you.
He dives in and punches the shark, then bashes it repeatedly
with a rubber duck. The song, Don't worry, Be happy By Bob Marley
is playing quietly in the background.
Secret Agent: (shouting furiously) DIE, SHARK, DIE!!
The shark swims away and sulks in the corner. Secret Agent
drags Mel out and they sit on the side.
Mel: (quietly) We're never gonna get out of here, are we?
Secret Agent: (singing) Don't worry, be happy. Be happy now.
Mel: (shouting) How can I be happy?! I was nearly killed by a
shark and stuck in a crazy house with a mental person who has a
She storms out the room and up the stairs. Secret Agent is
Secret Agent: Well, that went well.
The shark nods.
Mel is walking down a corridor, kicking her feet and scowling.
Secret Agent is nowhere to be seen. She walks downstairs and into
a room with a piano in it. She sits down and stares out the
Mel: (muttering) Stupid man. Stupid, stupid, stupid…-
Wedding Ghost comes in wailing.
Mel: (sarcastically) Oh great.
Wedding Ghost: (sobbing) He left meeee!!! I love him, no I
don't!! BUT I DOOO!!
Mel: Just make your mind up already.
The Wedding Ghost stops and stares at Mel. She then attempts
to run through the wall but fails miserably and runs into it,
falling onto the floor, unconscious. Secret Agent then walks in
and trips over the Wedding Ghost.
Mel: Help me, please God.
Secret Agent: (brightly) Oh hi! Long time, no see!
Mel rolls her eyes and glares out the window. Suddenly two
figures gallop past in the field. They are wearing cowboy hats
and shouting, waving their arms.
Cowboy 1: (shouting) Ahahahahaha!! We have you now sheep!
Cowboy 2: Yee-haw!
Mel watches in disbelief as they trot past the window holding
a toy sheep.
Mel: Maniacs. I'm surrounded by maniacs.
Secret Agent: Come on! I found a way out!
Mel smiles and follows him.
Secret Agent has lead Mel into a room with red furniture. He
is opening a big black door. The camera is at the bottom of the
stairs and looking up at them coming down. They hear sobbing.
Mel: There better not be any more monsters.
Secret Agent: It'll be fine.
They finally get to the bottom and stare at the sight that
beholds them. A woman is chained to the wall. Weird green bloody
things are wandering round in front of her.
Mel: I hate you.
Secret Agent: Um.
Woman: (crying) Help me! Please.
The Zombies ignore Mel and Secret Agent. The wander around
Mel: We have to help her!
Secret Agent: (grabbing Mel's arm) She could have been talking to
anyone! She didn't ask us specifically that she wanted our
Mel: (yanking her arm back) We can't just leave her! She doesn't
have anything to eat!
Secret Agent: You're so right.
He runs back up the stairs. Mel looks around confused. She
tries to talk to the Zombies.
Mel: (waves) Erm, hi. I'm Mel.
Zombie 1: Ug.
Zombie 2: Ergh
Mel nods and smiles politely throughout this conversation.
Secret Agent suddenly appears, banana in hand.
Secret Agent: (shoves banana in woman's hand) There you go.
Mel is speechless and lets Secret Agent drag her back out the
Mel: Hey, what's that?
She walks over to the table by the door. A note is stuck on
it, along with a key.
Mel: (through gritted teeth) Spare key. SPARE KEY?! SPARE KEY?!
She turns around and glares at Secret Agent. He shrugs.
Secret Agent: (smiles weakly) Can't say it hasn't been fun.
Mel closes her eyes and breathes deeply.
Mel: Just breathe. Breathe, Mel, breathe.
She walks to the door and opens it. When they get outside the
cowboys come trotting back up. One of them is wearing a pink
fluffy hat which flashes repeatedly.
Cowboy 1: Howdy!
Cowboy 2: Howdy!
Cowboy 1: We're off to catch sheep!
Cowboy 2: SHEEP!
Cowboy two gallops away with Cowboy 1 close behind.
Tom Cruise suddenly appears. Mel nearly faints.
Tom Cruise: (smiles) Hey, you haven't seen my wife anywhere have
you? I've got her this giant billion karat gold ring.
Mel just stares.
Wedding Ghost: (brandishing a knife) DIE!! DIIIEE!
She stabs Tom Cruise and then stares at him.
Mel: (faintly) You just killed Tom Cruise.
Wedding Ghost screams and runs into a tree.
Secret Agent: Well we better go before she wakes up.
They walk away down the drive to the song, Follow the Yellow
Brick Road. A figures stands in the window. It is the woman, she
is hand in hand with shark and eating a banana. They want
DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNN…….