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The Pursuit of Happiness (Tommy & Benjy)

Script By: stevebasnett
Humor



Comedy sketch/skit set on July 3rd 1776 featuring Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin working out what to put into the American Declaration of Independence.

I have a major problem with the formatting of this one - tried loads of times to upload it correctly, but it just won't.


Submitted:Feb 6, 2010    Reads: 219    Comments: 1    Likes: 3   


"THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS (TOMMY & BENJY)"

By

Steve Basnett


INT. 18TH CENTURY OFFICE -- NIGHT

July 3rd 1776. Thomas Jefferson sits at his bureau, feverishly quilling away at the American Declaration of Independence. Benjamin Franklin stands at his shoulder, peering over at his writing.

POV FROM THE FRONT OF THE TWO THROUGHOUT

JEFFERSON (BOY-ISH INNOCENSE)

Why have I got to do this again, Benjy?

FRANKLIN (MATURE, ARROGANT AIR)

You've got the neatest handwriting, Tommy.

JEFFERSON

(Slowly enunciating as he writes) "...that all men are created equal... except me, I'm great and allowed to keep three hundred..." no, "...six hundred slaves, who are also not equal, because they are just slaves."

FRANKLIN

You can't write that into the Declaration.

JEFFERSON

I have to - it's the truth. See here where you made me write, "We hold these truths to be self-evident..." I can't follow that with a great big whopper, now, can I?

FRANKLIN

You have much to learn about politics, Tommy. It's all about lying.

JEFFERSON

Are you telling me that we're going through all of this so that we can create an independent government of liars?

FRANKLIN

Yup. I'd say that's about it.

JEFFERSON

That's very honest of you.

FRANKLIN

Look, Tommy, the boys are not going to sign something that implicates us all in the keeping of slaves. We've got to get round to making that illegal at some point.

JEFFERSON

That's such a shame. Do we really have to acknowledge them as real people like us?

FRANKLIN

Eventually, yes. Luther Martin's getting a bit edgy about it, but we'll hold out for as long as possible.

He pats Jefferson on the shoulder.

JEFFERSON

Okay, Benjy, I'll cross out that bit about the slaves, but I really want to put something in about us all having big willies.

FRANKLIN

(Rolling his eyes) If you must. But remember, Tommy, we're not actually granting people anything in this declaration - we're only saying that people have the right to stuff. And it sounds more professional if you put it as 'well endowed,' anyway.

JEFFERSON

Okay, the right to big willies....Blah, blah, blah... "...all men are created equal, that they are well endowed by our Lord God and have certain unalienable Rights." I do like that 'unalienable' bit.

FRANKLIN

Yeeees, there may be a little editing required there tomorrow. And certain... er... sections are quibbling the use of the word 'God.' Might have to bung in 'Creator' or something instead. Bloody Political Correctors. Now for the ending. I want a big finale. Nice and punchy. What would you say are the most important things after having a big cock and keeping slaves?

JEFFERSON

I'd say that not being killed was quite important. Not being bunged in prison by King George III would be quite good too. Oh, and being rather jolly... that would be nice for everyone as well.

FRANKLIN

Good. But we need to be careful here. We don't want to be guaranteeing happiness to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Some people are always going to be miserable buggers, however much we do for them. Read me back that bit...

JEFFERSON

From 'endowed...' that bit's 'Creator' instead - sorry about the smudge - and we've got... tum te tum... "...unalienable rights, that among these are not dying, not being chucked in prison, and a shot at happiness." Now we just list all the naughty things that George III has done, and Bob's your Auntie's live-in lover.

FRANKLIN

Bugger. I forgot. There won't be enough space at the bottom to put all our signatures on. You know how John Hancock likes to write his name big and fancy with all the curls. We'll have to edit it down. 'Life' instead of 'not dying.' Instead of 'not being chucked in prison,' just 'Liberty.' And I think we'll cover our arses well enough with 'the pursuit of happiness.' Not actual happiness or anything.

JEFFERSON

'Pursuit of happiness...' I like it, I like it. You are a whiz at this, Benjy.

FRANKLIN

Oh, and we'll have to cut out all that bit about wearing short sleeves when it's hot. We'll probably have to put that in another document, like a Constitution or something.

THE END





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