The Epic Story II

Right now, you are in Heaven with the recently killed celebrities. You count out all 6 of them, - Justin Timberlake, Hannah Montana, The Burger King, Ronald McDonald, Michael Jackson, and Chuckie the Doll. You still spot that fat purple dinosaur dancing on your dead body and you are craving revenge! So you try to think of a way to find a way to make it happen. Suddenly, you see a small booth in the distance! You slowly travel over to it suspiciously and you see a figure inside it glowing white and yellow. You get the idea of who it is and you run up to it. It’s God! You reached the front of the booth and it’s God!

You both just stared at each other and your eyes just start to wander off when you get a glimpse of the banner. It reads “Reincarnation Booth”. Out of nowhere, God said “What’s up?” You just kept staring. So God whipped out some cookies out of nowhere from his back pocket. “Wanna Snicker Doodle?” he asked. You nod your head “no”. That ticked off God and he twitched while he shouted “If That’s How You’re Gonna Be!... And he pulled a dangling rope to his left and it opened a trap door!... Next to you. “Oh, man, that’s not right! You were supposed to fall in! So god jumps through the booth’s glass window and kicks you in. “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!” bragged God.

So, your Falling………………………..Falling…………………………Falling…………………………Still Falling………….Suddenly, you break through your roof and make a big CRASH! I guess you got your revenge on Barney considering you landed on him! You get up and poke his eyes with a stick to see if there was movement but the whole room was still. You were proud to be avenged but no evidence could be left behind. So you drag him deep into the woods and oddly position him in a hollow tree.

Then, not too far in the distance, you hear some midgety Italian voices arguing and slapping noises. You peer around your hollow tree and see Mario and Luigi! You can hear there argument.

“Ia didn’ta getada Peach apregnant!” Shouted Mario with a slap!

“ Well Ia didn’ta getada Peach apregnant!” Shouted Luigi with a slap!

“ Well Ia swear Ia didn’ta getada Peach apregnant!” Shouted Mario with an even harder slap!

And it kinda went on like that for a good 5minutes until… The Kool-Aid-Man jumps out of nowhere and yells “I Did!” You whisper “Oh No!” and Mario followed with “Oha No!” and Luigi copied with another Oha No! and the Kool-Aid-Man ended with “OH YEAH!”… It was silent and he backed away slowly and ran.

Mario and Luigi looked oddly confused. Then they hugged each other in relief that neither of them did it. Then they apologized. “Ima hungry! Letsa go to a Wendy’s.” Offered Mario. “Well Letsa Go Then!” Shouted Luigi happily. So they started walking off towards the woods exit until… Kung-Fu-Kitty ran them over in a Mustang! She just drove away with a smirk on her face and disappeared into nowhere.

You stare at the lifeless bodies and walk away casually. “I’m hungry” you mumble to yourself. So you head on toward the Mario Bro’s destination. So you quickly go back to where you dumped Barney and put shades on his eyes. The shades were way to small for his fat ugly face and they bent as if to snap in half. But you really don’t care anymore and continue on to Wendy’s.

You take the short walk there and when you get there, you see Kung Fu-Kitty pulling out of the drive-thru with Peach pregnant tied up in the back seat. Then you see the Kool-Aid-Man come out of nowhere, again, shouting “OH NO! BABY COME BACK!” He began to chase their vehicle but soon as he hit the main road… Jamie Lyne Spears ran him down while talking on her cell phone attempting to talk and blink at the same time! (Difficulties…) Brittney was in the back seat with her kids. He broken glass and spilled Kool-Aid caused three of her tires to pop and she spun out into The Empire State Building and it started to tip! Then it slowly fell and landed on Jamie and Brittney! Brittney’s children cheered and yelled “We’re Free!” And they ran to find there father. And further on down the tower laid down the road, you see the back of Kung-Fu-Kitty’s crushed. She just sat there with a big grin on her face as she peers behind her to only see a giant tower in her back seats.

Anyway, a few other thousand got squished that you don’t know and or care about. All of a sudden, there was a big explosion in the base of the building. That explosion didn’t do much more damage besides free-falling cement chunks and sharp glass. Suddenly, the sun began to get blocked out and you look up to see a blimp that has

I LOVE IRAQ

printed on it. Then under it, you see a glowy neon sign reading, “Oh No! Mission Failure! We Were Beat! We Were Too Late! We Must Call Geico To Get Auto Insurance! You look above the blimp and see little old Chuckie Doll with his knife and suddenly popping that blimp. Then, Hannah Montana just decides to push Chuckie off and he went “SPLAT!” Onto his own knife on the cement. The he just poofed back up into Heaven once again dead. He just mumbled “Hur Hur, Very Funny” under his breath. The others just pointed and laughed. Anyway, back one Earth, you just stare in more amazement at the giant scene.. Of course our little friend Kung-Fu-Kitty is one of the few unharmed. Since you’ve noticed that unbelievable events commonly happen like that, you got over it fairly quickly.

So you continue on into Wendy’s when you see you can walk no further. It’s an army of Umpa Loompa’s! Not to mention being led by the Wendy’s Man Woman! “Hot Juicy Burger!” They chanted, and then broke into song! But just before the first word, Willy Wonka broke through the window only to see his Umpa Loompa’s!

They were yelling and bickering about the Wendy’s Man Woman kidnapped the Umpa Loompa’s to form a super army. But the Wendy’s Man Woman pretty much ignored every word Willy Wonka said and they broke into… A Cat Fight! Yes, they did indeed look really stupid slapping each other like little girls but it did seem to leave a mark. Then you regain a HUGE appetite and scream “I WANT MY HOT…… JUICY…… BURGER!”

All was quiet also considering no one has ever really heard you say a word before. So you stomped over to Willy and kicked him where you don’t want to be kicked. Then you called Kung-Fu-Kitties cellular and when she got there, it got a little violent just with a spatula. After the violent scene, you thank her and just stare at the sliced up remains of Willy. “He looks like Ham.” You think to yourself. “But wait! Where’s the blood? It is Citric Acid!” You mumble. “Okay….” Says the Wendy’s Man Woman. “Free HOT JUICY BURGERS!.” So everyone in the restaurant began to unwrap it and they all took a bite. And suddenly, they all broke into song… again.

“I need the Juuuuicy Burger,

With the pay I just got from work!

It’s cold so make it hotter,

Make it hotter

So I like my orderrrr”

That’s what they sang while complaining their burgers were gross and nasty. “That was like their own remix of Beautiful Girl!” You think to yourself while you think while chuckling how they’d have something better to do with their lives. You could see they were angry because they were lied to about a burger meant to be hot and juicy. So they used their “Nerdz Rope” making skills to make a bacon rope while they tied him up and dipped him in the broiler. You yell “Are You Serious!” while realizing that coming to Wendy’s was a complete waste of time and that you may as well starve yourself. Just as you see his torso making into the broiler, you see him spitting in all the food like Burger King always used to.

You suddenly lose your appetite as you see all the ugly orange musical creatures exiting. They made it look like nothing has ever happened.

So you just decide to let yourself be hungry and you walked home down 29th Street , across the bridge, down the alley, and in your front door. Soon as you walk in, you see that all your cabinets and your fridge have been raided! Then you look down to the floor and see Fat Albert and Elvis Presley dying! You here Fat Albert whisper “Hey, Hey, H-” and he just like died. Then Elvis was just gargling and then it stopped. You don’t care how it really happened and yet you still don’t care and you shove their fat bodies both into your fridge. They must have had a “Fat Fight”. Those are ugly sights. So you just really still don’t care and you walk into your living room and turn on Newz 11. You bet money on yourself that you know all the exact words they are gonna say because you were there. And you are also lucky you threatened not to mention he was there so you are not New York’s Most Hated.

Newz 11

The Newz You Can Trust

Candy – “So what’s up today Bob?”

Bob – “Well Candy, our celebrity disappearance/death count has doubled!”

Candy – “Who were those hopeless victims?!?”

Bob – “I dunno!”

Candy – “Look at the script!”

Bob – “Oh yes. Uhm.”

1. Barney

2. Mario

3. Luigi

4. The Kool-Aid Man

5. Jamie Lyne Spears

6. Britney Spears

7. Princess Peach

8. Willy Wonka

And 9. The Wendy’s Man Woman.

This just in! Fat Albert and Elvis Presley may be added to that never ending list.”

Candy – “WOW! That’s a lot!

Bob – “It sure is. And sadly, all the Wendy’s in the world are becoming…

Tofu Shacks. And Wonka Candy is becoming its own brand of…

Tofu Bars.”

Candy just sat there with a gigantic smile.

Candy – “O-M-G. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! NO WAY!!!”

Bob – “Just shut up with your disgusting tofu!”

Candy looked upset.

Bob – “The words of the day are SHUT UP I CAN’T STAND YOU!”

And suddenly the television went all fuzzy so you shut it off. You went to bed a little early and you seemed safe. Or did you?

To be continued?

Austin Czajkowski