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I am Not a Domestic Goddess

Short story By: Ava Rosien
Humor



This is a tongue-in-cheek story with only bits and peices of truth mingled in; though I won't tell you where the true parts are.

The picture above says it best: "I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning; just not how it applys to me."


Submitted:Jan 4, 2013    Reads: 63    Comments: 5    Likes: 4   


I am Not a Domestic Goddess

I've never considered myself to be domestic in the classic sense of the word. Yes, I was a wife and am a mother; but I never really got the idea of keeping a perfect house. I leaned more toward asking myself, Do I expect company to come over? If the answer was yes, then I cleaned like a mad woman before guests arrived. If the answer was no; then why bother with the house when no one's going to see it anyway? That's what they made tomorrows for.

I hit the high spots everyday; but I didn't get down on my hands and knees looking for every dust bunny that got away. If they started a colony; then I'd get the vacuum out and round them up. Darn little critters multiply at an amazing rate!

For the longest time I never cleaned my boy's room; I never knew what would come crawling out from under their beds. They kept frogs, snakes, turtles and lizards as pets; they never once asked for a cage for any of them!

I did a great job making sure my kids got fed when they were infants. Whip up some formula and open a Gerber's jar and there was a meal! A year or two later they were ready for Spaghetti O's or Beans and Franks. Of course my husband suffered during this time; but he needed to lose a few pounds anyway.

I'm not a really good cook; I can do the simple meat and potato kind of meal; but if you have to have herbs and wine on hand…forget about it. I did cook meals for my husband and the kids, no one starved; they were naturally skinny kids to begin with.

Once the kids grew old enough to fend for themselves; I kind of backed off on the whole cooking three squares a day thing. Then it dawned on me; no one is complaining about me not cooking everyday; so I pretty much stopped putting myself to all the trouble.

My kitchen was there to house the fridge and the micro-wave after that. I had to keep the frozen pre-prepared meals cold; and of course I needed a way to heat them up, otherwise I would have turned the kitchen into a spare bedroom with a vanity sink.

No one will ever accuse me of being like Martha Stewart; or even Paula Deen for that matter; but we're all God's children now aren't we? I don't do crafty things with the napkins, or make delicious homemade pies; but we don't use napkins and the pies from the grocery store are pretty darn good if you ask me.

I never learned to sew; I failed that in Home Economics class at school. Me and sewing machines never seem to get along well and as for following patterns; please, don't even get me started! I cut out the baby doll sleeve pattern piece and sewed it on my dress thinking it was a pocket! As I recall I got an "F" as my grade on that project. But I think it was the fact that I didn't put a zipper in the back and I couldn't get the darn thing on!

I remember a girl in class who could do it all. She cooked, sewed, knitted and crocheted; all while she raised a pig for her Four-H project to present at the County Fair. I hate girls like that! She probably slaughtered it; sliced it up, made her own sausage, packaged the cuts up and stuffed her own hotdogs!

Wait a minute; wasn't her name Martha?

So yeah, I'm not the domestic type. I preferred to work out in the world; earning a paycheck. At least if I had to do repetitive job; I earned money for it. At home I never even earned a thank you from my ungrateful brood.

Now I want you to know I am not a lazy woman; I worked forty hours a week, and took care of the house, the laundry and the kids (for the most part). I have held many jobs to feed my family all those Spaghetti O's, Bean and Franks and frozen dinners. I've been a waitress, grocery clerk, butcher, Bakery Manager, factory worker and a candle stick maker…well, the candle thing isn't really true; but it reminded me of a song I heard once. You know the one; "A butcher, a baker; a candle stick maker…."Ok, never mind. Maybe it was a poem; it was a long time ago.

When Roseanne Barr's television show came on every week; my kids started telling me I should sue the producers for making a show about our family. We really should have been paid royalties at the very least! I loved that show; she was my idol.

I always felt I was born to marry a rich man and have maids and cooks and maybe even a butler; but it just didn't work out that way. So, when my kids were too young to know any better I made them my little slaves. I made them think that doing dishes and dusting was a fun game. When I wanted them to vacuum I would promise to pay the first to volunteer for the job; when they finished I'd give them a nickel. Yeah, they didn't like that so much; little buggers wanted a dollar. After that, I did it myself.

I told them it was a contest when I wanted them to bring me a cold glass of iced tea; whoever got it for me first would win. They were a little disappointed when I told them there was no prizes in this game; just mommy's undying gratitude. The problem was it didn't last for long; they were just too darned smart to fall for it after awhile. So, I'd have to trudge to the kitchen and get my own tea. It was nice while it lasted though.

My kids made it to adulthood with no lasting or serious emotional problems; so I guess me not being real big on the domestic front wasn't as traumatizing as I feared it might be for them. We still have the five second rule at my house though; any longer and the dropped food should stay on the floor!

Martha and Paula; I snub my nose to ya both!





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