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Our Dirty Town

Short story By: bobthebuilder

Here is a double dose of double entendre, a take off the play Our Town by Thornton Wilder, combined with the teenage humor of Bevis and Butthead. Can you handle it? See if you can spot them all.

Submitted:Feb 24, 2013    Reads: 173    Comments: 29    Likes: 9   

Our Dirty Town

Welcome to the town of Innuendo. It used to be a penal colony, jutting out on the peninsula. Now it's a bedroom community, a bucolic collection of condominiums and cul-de-sacs overlooking the estuary.

Here we are, on Main Street. It leads straight out to the docks, were the ships birth. And there is the Sticky Hand Tavern where the seamen gather to foist their foamy libations after a hard day on the poop deck. That's Randy, the new guy. He certainly looks limp. He just started working on the fishing boat The Lucky Hooker. The low man on the totem pole always has to start at the bottom. He was given the worst below job, cleaning up after Rod, the master baiter. It's a rough position, as he's on his knees all day. Walking abreast of him is Rear Admiral Humdinger, from Bangkok. That man has certainly been around. He's piloted that old shaft driver of his enough miles to reach Uranus and back, if he could go that way. That's his ship protruding out way at the end, the Full Moon. What a beauty.

Over there is the college. We're very proud of our edifice of higher learning. Hey, there's the new language professor, Dr. Peter Hymen. His class is very popular with the ladies, really popping. He is said to be a most cunning linguist. He's on his way to the new eatery in town, Dirty Dick's Hot Dogs. They have a great all you can eat special, Manny's foot longs. Most people will only take one at a time, but old Nick from the Quicky Lube down on Proud Cock Street ate four at one sitting, condiments and all. I know a few people who have masticated two or three of those juicy tube steaks, but it's going to be awfully hard to beat the four Nick ate.

Just up Proud Cock Street, past the Do Dah Lane, is the yoga place, the Homo Erectus. If you peek in the window, you'll see Coach Hardy, trying to work the stiffness out of the newest members. He likes to start with the downward doggy, then work his way into the more advanced positions. The nubile young ones are always eager at first, but it's surprising just how flexible you have to be to achieve the level of mastery Coach Hardy has risen to.

Around the corner is the new neighborhood going up, between Long View and Do Dah. You can see the construction crew is just getting off. That is one of the guys there, Dirk Baller. Doesn't he look gay, just finishing a hard day of nailing 12 inch studs. That is quite an impressive set of tools he has there. How does he keep them so clean, after all that dirty work? He's certainly not one to let that caulk congeal on the piston of his concrete vibrator, now that's for sure. A true professional. Those new poles are all ramrod straight, too. What a fine sight.

And over here is the financial district, the fiduciary center of our little town. You can see Mr. Wong just packing it up. He's gotten himself in somewhat of a crotchety conundrum. Seems he has been cooking the books. I don't know if he can handle the ramifications, as he is still hurting from the last probe of his annals by that unctuous proctor from Cornwaller. Longfellow, I think was his name. Not an enviable position to be in.

We have quite the nightlife, here, too, as you can imagine. The Back Way Inn is really popular, where they run a great happy hour, so you don't have to blow your wad all at once. The young people seem to really like it, as they are always lining up to get in.

There are many more places I could show you, but it's time for me get going. My wife will be home soon. She had to take our Shiz-Tzu to the vets. Seems he had a strange clump that was fomenting on the fleshy folds of the orifice below his coccyx. A very sticky situation, indeed.


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