"Help me, Cooking Mama!" yelled an unknown woman as she burst into the kitchen. Cooking Mama turned to see who it was and was greeted by a splendidly attractive woman, complete with slightly curled blonde lock, rouged lips and a perfect body covered by a long pink dress.
"Who are you?" asked Cooking Mama, curious of this stranger's intent, "and why are you here?"
"I am Princess Toadstool Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. A monster has kidnapped Mario, the savior of the kingdom and I fear that, without any other decent warrior in the land-"
"Hey!" yelled Luigi from the doorway.
"that I have had to come to you, Cooking Mama." continued Peach as if nothing had happened.
"Why me?" asked Cooking Mama, flattening her dull brown hair and grabbing a meat cleaver absent mindedly.
"Because, Cooking Mama, i fear that only you could defeat this beast."
"Ok, I'll go."
And so, Cooking Mama left on her quest. She encountered many beings in a place known only as world one: one, which was a place of low defination pixellated blocks. Everything was in two-D, which made looking ahead very confusing as all she could see was various coloured lines. She learned before long that she could transmit her mind to see the world from a different perspective so that she could see herself from the side, along with the rest of the two-D worlds. She jumped for dear life, using the meat cleaver as her best weapon, stabbing the turtle-like Koopas in their fleshy underbellies, before kicking the shells at the squat brown Goombas. Later, she made a fire, cooked a dead, blood stained Koopa and ate it out of its own shell. It was delicious and Cooking Mama was proud of her cooking, giving herself a shiny gold star. She noticed that suddenly, the land had become three-D once more and that there was a dark building up ahead.
This building was huge and grey, complete with what could be a peaceful moat, if it was not filled with red, bubbling lava. The castle’s drawbridge appeared to be stuck between two jagged jaws, lined with dagger-like teeth. Two large windows stood out from the rest, glowing red like the lava below. The entire castle was modified to look like this beast, cooking Mama realised, the great beast of legend, Bowser.
Cooking Mama slept badly that night, tossing and turning in her sleep, muttering about her student’s awful cooking. The next day came far too early for her, the sun blinding as she looked towards Bowser’s Castle, the final stage in this adventure. She walked apprehensively to the castle and went inside, due to the drawbridge being down. Everything went dark before some words appeared in front of her. These words read: World Eight: Eight Castle. Cooking Mama shrugged, and moved on. This area was lit only by torches hanging from the grey, stone walls. Occasionally, a sculpture of Bowser’s head was watching her with its eerie, gaunt eyes. Then, Cooking Mama finally found a worthy opponent: Dry-bones. What appeared to be a skeletal Koopa, the Dry-Bones shattered when she stabbed it. She was happy about that, and continued. She stopped when she heard a slight tinkling sound, the eerie kind, not the sparkling kind. She turned and saw that the Dry-Bones was back to normal. She stabbed it again, but the same thing happened: it rebuilt and ran at her. She jumped over it, narrowly avoiding the flailing arms. It ran right past her and fell into an abyss of lava below.
She jumped easily over the lava and saw what must be Mario, the saviour. He was trapped in what seemed to be a large bird cage, which confused Cooking Mama somewhat. What also confused her was how he looked. A fat midget Italian bloke in red dungarees with a corny black moustache being the saviour of the mushroom kingdom? Wow, that kingdom sucks. She jumped on the bird cage, somehow unlocking it and freeing Mario. He jumped and some cheesy music played in the background. Cooking Mama was confused until Mario’s MP3 player fell out of his pocket and shattered on the floor. They continued together through the hallways of the castle, fear enveloping them both now as they heard Bowser’s monstrous roars.
Cooking Mama lay her eyes on Bowser for the very first and last time then. A spiked green shell, covering a soft underbelly with a head like the castle itself, a couple of chubby little arms and a sprinkling of sage and onion, and you’ve got a dish. Mario put out an arm to stop cooking Mama from attacking Bowser, then he jumped, but hit Bowser and shrunk somehow. He was small enough already, thought Cooking Mama. Then Bowser hit him again, forcing him into unconscious. Bowser laughed when he saw Cooking Mama, and torched her with fire. All hope was lost now, until...
The flames cleared around Cooking Mama. She picked herself up and dusted off the ashes. Her eyes bulged and her pupils turned red, fiery and bloodshot. Her mouth opened, baring large jagged teeth. Her apron had turned orange somehow and her hands were balled up in fists. This was Cooking Mama in rage mode: the epitome of fear and anger. She raised the meat cleaver and roared, “You failed! You overcooked Cooking Mama at the wrong gas mark for four seconds! Now you must pay!”
Bowser, shocked, breathed more fire, but Cooking Mama was in rage mode and avoided it easily before sinking the meat cleaver right into and through Bowser’s fleshy underbelly. Blood splattered the clean walls. Cooking Mama then dunked Bowser into the lava for approximately a minute until he was brownish colour, then sprinkled some sage and onion on top. Then she put it in a blender, which she found in Bowser’s kitchen, and blended him. Then she wrapped it in a tortilla and served it with a dollop of tomato sauce and three pickled Koopas. Serves five.
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