Diamond Geezer, Boast Leader
Are you nogging apples …mummm!!
Shishhhh! Don’t calling your mum. ‘ows about you fetching some steps so’s I can get down.
Can’t you climb down on your own? I could jump from there, it’s not very high.
Sure I could sweet‘eart. It’s just I’m a little bit ‘ooked, bloomin branch has got itself caught up in me braces. Be a doll and go fetch the steps would ja.
So what you doing up there then? And why you in that funny suit?
If I tell ya will you go get the steps?
Oh come on doll. You wouldn’t leave an old man ‘anging up here all day by his braces would ja?
So are you going to tell me or not?
Sure sweet’aert, just as soon as you get the steps
Oh. Come on doll!
SHISHHH! Alright I’ll tell ya, but it’s a sworn secret . Ya mus’nt tell a bloomin soul!
Okay, cross my heart and hope to die. I won’t tell ‘blooming’ nobody.
Right firstly this in NOT a funny suit it’s a pearly suit and when I wears it I am known as The Diamond Geezer, it’s like me trademark see doll You know, me image. Kinda like James Bond in his DJ or that Novelist fella in his suit, fedora ‘at an’ cane in ‘and. If you’re gonna be famous you gotta ‘ave an image. You know like if you’re an artist you ‘ave to ‘ave the look.
You an artist then?
Kinda sweet’eart. If you listen and stop askin questions I’ll tell ya. I’m an international jewel thief. Or was a least, reformed I am now. And before you get on your ‘igh ‘orse that ain’t no ordinary thief you know. Oh no! You’ve gotta the best of the best, the crème Del la crème. Invisible, stealfy, smart, an aflete. You gotta be cunnin as a fox, darin n brave as a mongoose taklin a rattle snake. And you don’t rob from poor people. There’s a gentleman’s code you know. With the toffs and us. They’ve got the ice..that diamonds to you doll! And well we ‘ave to try n nab um. And I was the bestest. You see these ‘ere buttons all over me Jacket..well they ain’t no fakes. Oh no doll, these are the real McCoy. It’s ‘ow I come by me name. On account of me deftness in liftin diamonds. But as I says sweet’eart I’m reformed now. And that ‘ow I ended up danglin by me braces in this ‘ere tree.
What’s reformed mean? Does it mean like you don’t go nicking peoples stuff no more? Cuz it looks like your nicking our apple!
Yeah that’s it doll, I’m retired, given it up, gone straight. Turned over a new leaf. No longer a bad apple. And I ain’t noggin the apple ne’ver.
So what you doing up the tree?
You gonna get the steps then sweet’eart?
Nope! Could go and get mum though. So what you doing up the tree if you aren’t noggin?
Okay Okay, I’m tellin ya ain’t I. Like I says I is reformed now and I ended up ‘ere on account of me efforts to make amends. See doll. Long time ago I pulled of this spectacular ‘eist, that’s a cleverly planned robbery to you. It made the 6 o’clock news you know! I lifted the golden globe of the top of the Globe Theatre. You know the place old Willy Shakespeare did his plays. It was a beaut’ had a ring of diamond encrusted around it. Any ‘ows, just like Willy boy that little globe was a national treasure and I ‘sided I wasgonna put it back: And putting sumit back’s just as tricky as liftin it in the first place. You need a plan doll, a kinda ‘eist in reverse.
So’s I made me way down to me lockup in the East End where I keeps me ‘qipment. See’s I figured I’d need to put the globe back same way as I got it. By air. Oh yeah I was gonna need Boast Leader.
Boast leader? Who’s Boast Leader?
Not who doll, what! Boast Leaders me airship or least she was, god rest ‘er soul. She’s gone to the airships in the sky now, but I’ll come to that in a while. Though don’t be surprised if I sheds a tear or two when I gets to that bit. Sees if you want to ‘eist sumit from the sky there ain’t no use using a ‘elicopter. No doll to bloomin noisy. You gotta be silent, unseen like I say before. No, Boast Leaders the ticket, least she was. First off I waited for dark, you can hardly drift across London in the daylight in an Airship can ya sweet’aert. Let everyone includin the Old Bill* see me secret weapon. Na, you ‘ave to wait until night. Sos that’s what I did. Inflated ‘er just after dark and me the old gal, that Boast’ and the golden globe, couldn’t forget that else it would have been a wasted trip, set off over Sothark**. And everyfin was going just peachy. We floa’ed right over the top of the globe, just perfec’ and I lower me mooring rope so as Boast wouldn’ float away and ‘ooked it round the old bronze bust of Will ‘imself and I got meself ready to slide down me rope. Sees doll all the best ‘eists ‘ave to be done slidin’ down a rope. It’s sorta like an unwritten rule.
*Old Bill = Police after William(Bill) Peal who founded the metropolitan police in London **Sothark, spelt Southwark if your inclined to get a map out.
Sos there was I, little golden globe in me sack off tricks slidin’ down me rope to where I ‘ad found it before I borrowed it. And blow me down, just as I set the orb down on it cradle the old lady ‘ad one of ‘er turns and shot up and off north east across the river with me and old Will danglin on our ropes. I swear that old girl ‘ad a mind of ‘er own. I mean doll, she ‘eaded straight for the Tower. You know what they keep in the Tower don’t you doll?
Tower of London?
Yeah the Tower of London. The Crown Jewels that’s what. The Star of India, that what! The biggest diamond you’ll ever clap yur eyes on. I swear old Boast was heading right for ‘er. Which if we’d planned it wouldn’ ‘ave been a bad thing at all. But an impromptu visit wiv Will Shakespeare clangin behind us across the top of Tower Bridge: Well it weren’t the best idea old Boast Leader ever ‘ad. By the times we cleared the walls every bloomin Beefeater was out in the yard trying to catch ‘old of me by me airs n graces*. An’ if it wasn’t for the timely assistance of Will knocking a few ‘ats off ‘eads and the old gal ‘aving ano’ver funny turn; well I wouldn’ be danglin’ up ‘ere in the tree but locked in the dungeons in that there tower!
*Cockney rhyming slang for laces
Really doll, I dunno what ‘ad got into the old gal cuz no soon as me and Willy boy ‘ad made our escape from the Tower she was ‘eadin off west like some young filly t’wards the Palace gainin’ ‘eight all the way, which was just peachy for ‘er, but for me and Will a little more perturbin. I mean doll, its once thing visi’in Trafalgar Square and looking up at Lord Nelson but its sumit else visi’in ‘im eye to eye as it were, and it was all I could to stop me takin out ‘is good eye and Will bustin off ‘is other arm. An’ then wivout a by your leave old Boast went sailin like she was the Queen ‘erself, straight down the Mall. Me an’ Will tottin’ behind ‘her like ‘orse guards on parade! Till we got to the Palace where I ‘ad to do some niffy cimbin’ to avoid get me braces snagged on Queen Vic’s wings and a spike up me jacksie as I cleared the Palace gates.
It was then doll, that it was abou’ to get real messy; and as ‘tached to Will as I ‘ad become it was ‘im or me. See we was ‘eadin straight for the balcony where ‘er Majesty comes out to watch the Changin of the Guards. Now sweet’aert I’ve made some entrances in me day but it would ‘ave been a bit much, me n Will Shakespeare bustin in on the Queen through ‘er winda while she’s watchin the telly in ‘er jammies and slippers. See Old Boast Leader was ge’in a bit weary luggin me and Will along be’ind ‘er, so I ‘ad to act fast in pullin out me knife and let Willy go just in the nick! Will went down and me an Boast went up! And up and up.
I’ll tell you now doll, it’s a darned good job I fought to pack me parachute. You gotta be prepared if you’re gonna be a jewel thief. You never know when you’re gonna need a chute. Specially as we was ‘eadin west and towards ‘eathrow. That’s when I ‘eard it.
The fighter jet. Poor old girl never stood a chance. Shoot down wivout warnin by the RAF. I guess they never ‘ad a choice what wiv us driftin cross the busiest flight path in the ‘ole wide world. Like I said doll it was a bloomin’ good job I ‘ad me chute else I’d been brown bread, fried along with the old gal. God rest ‘er soul. Cuz she might ‘ave only been a machine but she ‘ad ‘er own character. A bit of a wayward one at times, going off on a tangen’ like she did. I swear she was only tryin to get ‘ome. ‘scuss us doll while I gets me ‘anky out. Old Boast and me goes back a long way an’ shared some fine memories and that made her livin an breavin to me.
So where’s your parachute then?
Wrapped and packed doll, It’d be a bit stupid bring a parachute up a tree wouldn’ it. Na, Soons as I saw that fighter jet I knew it was cur’ains for Old Boast so I let go of me rope an’ on accoun’ of us been so ‘igh ‘ad the good fortune that the wind was blowing just right I landed in spittin distance of ‘ome. Packed up me chute and climbed up this tree to check no one was followin me. An’ that doll is when I slipped and got dangled by me braces.
You gonna go get the steps now sweet’aert?
Mummm!! Granddads’ stuck in the tree and I think he’s been drinking that funny stuff again!
It was some years later after my granddad had passed away I came across the box with his Pearly Suit in and folded away neatly in the breast pocket a newspaper clipping from when I was six years old.
The police are baffled by the return of Shakespeare’s Golden Globe which went missing in 1978. It appears to be in perfect condition but of the smallest of 12 diamonds inlaid into its surface being missing. It seems that whoever returned it took a bronze bust of Shakespeare which was subsequently found perched on the Queens balcony at Buckingham Palace. There is speculation that it may be some kind of royal high jinks. The princes have been questions and the Palace denies any involvement by any of the Royal Family. The Queen is said to be amused.
In another incident overnight people have reported seeing a UFO over Heathrow. The Ministry of defence confirm there was an incursion into Heathrow air space and it was dealt with, but make no further comment.
So as you can imagine I am now sat here wondering which of the sown on ‘diamonds’ might be really, if any. Perhaps maybe all, which one is the Globe diamond, and what the ‘bloomin ‘ell’ I should do with them. Maybe I should use them to purchase another Boast Leader. Boast Leader II and if I did what would I do with her?