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Brian Kills The Baha Men

Short story By: Emilio Amaro
Humor



A disgruntled radio DJ haunted by the summer where he played Who Let The Dogs Out constantly decides to pay the Baha men a fatal visit.


Submitted:Sep 17, 2014    Reads: 37    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   



Brian crawled out of bed as the agony of a hangover began to press down on his brain.If he had to describe the pressure he'd say it felt like Khloe Kardashian giving him Rikishi's signature move, The Stink Face. Brian then thought about how Khloe Kardashian giving people stink faces sounded like a long lost HP Lovecraft story.

Brian always forgot to drink water while he drank himself to death. Then again when he was drinking, he didn't really think or care about if he was making it to see another day. Brian could be more dramatic than Lana Del Ray after listening to a Joy Divison album sometimes.

After he got out of bed and kicked a few beer cans out of his way, Brian walked over to his window to look outside and made sure nobody was there waiting for him. People who walked by were either going to work or to cheat on their wives with a black hooker than looked like Arsenio Hall in drag, but nobody was there waiting there with death threats. Luckily today was going to be a slow day.

Brian got dressed and ate breakfast. He had toast and eggs and was happy when the final drops of the booze in his body was soaked up by this meal. Brian knew he had a problem but it was his only crutch when it came to suppressing memories. The memories Brian had kept locked away were far worse than the ones Vietnam war vets kept locked in, even the ones who fondled an underage Vietnamese girl to their favorite Creedence Clearwater Revival album.

Since it was a clear and sunny day, Brian decided it was probably for the best that he spend it outside walking around and breathing in fresh air. It didn't take a few steps outside before Brian was being chased by a crazy homeless man who looked like a patheic billionaire who had spent the past eight years locked away in a mansion crying over a dead girlfriend.

"I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR DICK OFF AND FEED IT TO THE ETHIOPIANS!!" shouted the crazy homeless man in between sips of his cheap whiskey.

After a few blocks of running Brian found a decent sized rock and whipped it at the homeless man's forehead feeling like he was Mariano Rivera pitching in the ninth inning of the World Series. The world seemed to slow down as the rock left his hand and connected with the homeless man's forehead. Brian watched with joy as the homeless man fell over like a sack of bricks while pissing his pants. This all took place in front of an angry italian man's restaurant. The angry italian man had seen all this and did not look too excited to see that a homeless man just pissed in front of his business.

"YOUANOGOODA MOTHER FUCKING HOMELESS MAN" shouted the angry italian while kicking the homeless man in the head. "IA GONNA HAVE MY NEPHEW GUT YOU LIKE A SNITCH ON THE SOPRANOS!!"

The angry italian tired himself out and looked up at Brian. A look of recognition passed through the angry italian man's eyes and Brian wanted piss himself as well. "YOU!!"

"Come on man I just got chased by a man who smells like a Kardashian's tampon." whimpered Brian.

The angry italian man ran after him and Brian ran away like a black man being asked to come on The Maury Povich Show.


MEANWHILE AT THE LIBRARY WHERE THE AUTHOR IS WRITING THIS

"WHAT THE FUCK??"

Emilio turned around and saw a black man staring at the computer screen he was writing his story on. Emilio was hoping this guy who look like the uncle from Fresh Prince of Bel Air but unfortunately he didn't look like that funny. The man was closer to his mid to late twenties. The look on his face made Emilio wonder if he had just put on his father's aftershave and wasn't used to the burning sensation.

"Can I help you sir?"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN A BLACK MAN ASKED TO COME ON THE MAURY POVICH SHOW??"

"Alright sir, one the only way you could be more stereotypically black is if you clapped your hands to every syllable. Two I made a tiny black joke. I didn't put on a klan uniform and whip balloons full of urine at your mom."

"THAT SHIT IS RACIST."

"Well let me ask you something, do you like Kevin Hart?"

The black guy smiled. "I LOVE KEVIN HART!!"

"That's what I thought. Congraduations buddy, you just made your opinion invalid. Kevin Hart is just Katt Williams combined with Dane Cook, science's answer to the most talentless comedian since Carrot Top starred in Chairman of the Board."

"But Kevin Hart is amazing" the black man said without much conviction.

"Yeah and Donald Sterling is the next Martin Luther King Jr."

The black man walked away looking as if he was re thinking his whole outlook on what is funny. Emilio thanked his lord and savior, Joe Carroll that the crazy idiot had walked away to do something else so he could continue writing.

AND NOW BACK TO THE STORY

Brian eventually lost the italian man and made it back into his apartment. He breathed in a rush of relief as he closed the door behind him and locked it. If Brian had a dollar for every time he had to run away from people who recognized him he'd probably be like Joe Francis and have an island filled with girls who "are totally eighteen and over bro". Brian was getting tired of how rough his life was becoming, perhaps it was finally time to do what Lana Del Ray tells people she wants to do when in reality she's a little whiny emo girl who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas one too many times.

As these thoughts rushed through his head Brian heard a knock at the door. Brian nearly jumped out of his flesh and could've swore he even yelped like Ryan Seacrest when he loses a job and is down to working only twelve. Brian slowly looked through his peephole attempting to dismiss he was shaking like Michael J Fox in an igloo. Brian's jaw dropped when he saw who was standing on the other side. As fast as he could he unlocked the door and flung it open.

"Holy shit Joey? Is that you??"

Joey was a local radio DJ when Brian was working and the king of the city. Brian and Joey had an intense rivalry that was more for show than it was realistic. In reality Brian and Joey were the best of friends. Joey during his heyday was a great looking guy who was usually going back to his apartment with two girls. Now Joey looked like a punching bag from a gym Mike Tyson used to train at. He had crow's feet under his eyelids and looked like he'd been hiding under a rock since the last time Brian saw him judging by the pasty flesh.

"Yeah its me, times have been rough on guys like us. Could I come in?"

"Sure buddy come on in" Brian said motioning to the inside of his apartment.

Brian and Joey sat down at the small kitchen table in the apartment. Brian couldn't help but stare at Joey in amazement. It was hard to see someone he care about age faster than the Room 237 girl in The Shining.

"Do you still think about that summer Brian?" said Joey refusing to beat around the bush.

"Of course I do man, it eats away at me everyday like it must you."

Joey nodded. "O it does. I just wish we knew better. I mean we must've known......that playing a miserable song like Who Let the Dogs Out nonstop would come back to bite us in the ass."

"We can't blame ourselves Joey! It's what the people wanted in between listening to All Star. Hell you never saw a Mets fan bitch about it and they played nothing but that song in Shea Stadium that entire summer!"

"I still feel like we could've done something to prevent it"

"We were just taking orders Joey, it was out of our hands."

"Well I'm tired of it Brian! DO YOU HEAR ME?? I'M TIRED OF HEARING THE SCREAMS IN MY HEAD WHILE THE BAHA MEN ASK WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE" before Brian could comprehend what was happening, Joey took a pistol out from behind in his jeans and put the pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Brian screamed but couldn't hear himself over the ringing in his ears. He was covered in his buddy's blood, and it was because of the fucking Baha Men. Well enough was enough, he was going to do what he should've done long ago.

Brian, after finding out the Baha Men were living a quiet Jamaican retirement a couple of towns over, packed up to face them and left his apartment. He probably should have called the cops or someone about Joey's suicide but he was even more eager to kill the Baha Men. Brian didn't think anybody was this eager to see death since Walt Disney had forced the creators of Bambi to kill the mom in the film. Legend has it Walt Disney was standing over them chain smoking and came in his pants when the scene was drawn out.

Brian was wearing a light camo jacket and blue jeans and carrying a giant bag filled with pistols. He had purchased all of the guns from a shop that specialized in guns and rifles that had been used in action films. Two of Brian's favorite guns to use were the gun with the laser sighting from Cobra and the pistol that killed Brandon Lee in The Crow. Brian had reason to believe that the gun had supernatural powers. Multiple times he had woken up in the middle of the night and seen the pistol laying by one of his windows, and out in the streets usually laid a goth kid in a Marilyn Manson or Slipknot shirt bleeding profusely. The gun seemed to kill kids who were probably obsessed with The Crow in middle school and high school, Brian was never quite sure why.

After a few minutes of walking, Brian was leaving the city and walking over into the town that was nearby, Whitesbury. Whitesbury was the ideal town of the fifties and early sixies, and by that one would mean there are literally zero black people in the town. Nothing but old white guys who loved nothing but baseball, apple pies and racism. Brian was barely in the town five minutes before a police car pulled up next to him. When the officer rolled down the window Brian noticed he resembled a younger Burl Ives.

"How's it going" the cop asked, looking about as happy as Chris Brown when he sees a girl who can defend herself.

"Pretty good I guess" Brian said.

"So what are you doing in Whitesbury sir?"

"Just crossing through going to the next town over."

The police officer flashed a smile. "O thank goodness, I thought you were trying to stay here and we don't take too kindly to radio DJs who overplayed songs by Jamaicans. Hop in, I'll give you a ride over."

Brian never one to turn down a free ride hoped in where he found he was welcomed to sit in the passenger seat and sat down as he planned out in his mind what he'd do to the Baha Men.

"So glad you're not planning to stay in our town." said the officer. "We had this other radio guy try to stay in our town and it went badly."

"What happened?"

"Well I told him he couldn't stay so when he came back I had to arrest him. He then broke out of jail, ran to the woods and killed all of our officers one by one in some fucked up Vietnam war vet ways. Worst part was when they finally caught the guy he was mumbling something about his buddy opening a box and losing his legs. I don't know, I had better chances of understanding a Cannibal Corpse album."

"What was this guy's name?"

"Boycalf? Something stupid like that."

The officer and Brian approached the town where the Baha Men lived and Brian got out thanking the officer for the ride.

"O its not a problem, as long as you filthy animals are polluting my town with Katy Perry or Lil John I'm a happy camper."

Brian closed the passenger vehicle of the squad car and began making his way over to the mansion of the Baha Men. It was simple to find since it was the largest house in the town Brian was in and also didn't seem to have a renovation in years and all the cars in the front yard were luxury vehicles but ones that came out in the year 2000. Brian was barely in the front yard before he could smell the faint odor of marijuana. It smelled like a strain of dro at the very least, Brian was amazed the Baha Men could still afford anything above ditch weed.

Luckily the front door of the mansion was unlocked. Brian was thankful he didn't have to shoot the lock or kick the door down since it would've alerted the Baha Men and they might have a chance to run away and record another shitty song for a soundtrack to a kid's movie.

Inside of the mansion was unbelievable to Brian, and not in a good way. The mansion looked like one that had been abandoned in 2000. There was dust everywhere and items that really dated the place back. The first thing Brian noticed was a Y2K banner on the ceiling still hanging up as if a New Year's Party was tonight. Brian imagined that if one were to hit that banner that a waterfall of dust would sprinkle down. Around him Brian saw not Blu Rays, not even DVDs but VHS tapes scattered on the ground. What was even more disturbing was that they were for forgotten films from 2000 such as Snow Day and Ready to Rumble. Brian was hit with such a chaotic punch of nostalgia that he almost forgot what he was here to do.

Brian heard the Baha Men's only hit, Who Let The Dogs Out playing from a room towards the back of the mansion. Brian had to roll his eyes at how much of a mark the Baha Men were for themselves. Brian was lead to the room the Baha Men were currently located by a trail of CDs. The CDs were all from 2000. There were some memorable ones from that year such as Britney Spears' Oops I Did It Again and No Strings Attached by N'Sync. Brian remembered these albums very well, considering they're flooded with songs that girls barely into puberty would call him nonstop and beg him to play. If Brian had a dollar for every time a girl shrieked at him to play N'Sync, Britney Spears or The Backstreet Boys, he'd be so wealthy that he would make Tony Montana look like a greasy hobo.

There were the notable groups and singers such as Britney Spears, N'Sync and The Backstreet Boys but there were also some forgettable albums. Multiple copies of Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water lay scattered on the ground. Brian had ugly flashbacks of getting calls from white kids who so desperately wanting to be black demanding "his cracker ass play dat shit on repeat yo!", that is when they weren't clogging up the phone lines for Kid Rock requests. Another album that laid on the ground was Rule 3:36 from Ja Rule. It made Brian wonder exactly what Ja Rule was up to these days. Probably nothing since he had already copied everything that the late Tupac did.

Brian made his way to the room that the Baha Men were in and he was greatly disturbed by the sight that he saw. Inside all the members of the Baha Men were having sex with whores in dog costumes. One of the Baha Men was getting head and pulling his penis out of the whore's mouth to apply more peanut butter with a butter knife to his penis. This was something that one never imagined to see outside of Charlie Sheen's basement.

Brian pulled the pistol from Cobra out of his bag and shot all the Baha Men in the forehead. It was all too fast for their stoned minds to comprehend. The final Baha Man to be shot just had enough time to react by waving his arms and leaning back pretending he was Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Brian put the pistol away after all the Baha Men were slumped over and dead.

"Are you going to kill us?" one of the girls asked.

"Why kill you when your dignity has already rotted away?" said Brian. He wasn't sure if the whores understood him considering how many syllables he used and he didn't stay around to ask.

After leaving the mansion Brian felt a rush of relief and a feeling of happiness that he had not felt in years. It was understood what Brian's calling in life was, to kill washed up one hit wonders. Brian began to walk home with plans on paying P.O.D. a visit.





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