It was Jimmy's sixth birthday. He was still a young boy which meant he was free from the dreams and hopes of getting a handjob in a movie theater with his erection through the popcorn bucket and his date who had a cold sore using the butter as lubricant or getting high for the first time with people who worshipped John Lennon, Jerry Garcia and every other counter-culture musician who weren't all that great but nostalgia and drugs skyrocketed them into status of true Gods.
Jimmy's mom had her camera and was video taping the entire thing, probably so she could one day watch this tape, crying with a martini in her hand as her son was out on his first date getting a buttery handjob in a movie theater.
"Smile for the camera Jimmy!!" his mother cried out with enthusiasm.
Jimmy flashed his teeth at the camera as everybody felt a warm glow light up in their souls. All of the adults instantly fell in love with Jimmy. Just as things were kicking off, the patio screen door was shoved over and made a loud crashing noise and everybody looked over to see Jimmy's grandpa exiting the kitchen and entering the backyard area. He had a disgusted look across his face and a whiskey on the rocks in his hand. Jimmy's grandfather looked like the real life image of Paulie from the Rocky films.
"The fucking chinks must've made that door, probably with my luck it was one of those retard chasing butterflies" Jimmy's grandpa slurred.
Jimmy's grandpa sat down with the rest of the family and watched as Jimmy was about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake. He was settling down but then he noticed something that drove him absolutely apeshit.
"What in the fuck?" Jimmy's grandpa blurted out looking at Jimmy's shirt. "Hollister lifeguard? You never worked as a lifeguard, you little lying piece of shit."
"It's just a shirt Grandpa" Jimmy said feeling a little uneasy.
"No no no, only lifeguards can wear that shirt. You take that shirt off or so help me god we're having a backyard wrestling match." Jimmy's grandpa said while pointing over to the homemade ring and trash cans full of weapons. The ring had been there back when Jimmy's grandpa got obsessed with backyard wrestling and ran his own promotion for senior citizens who were into hardcore wrestling.The backyard wrestling shows usually drew large crowds since it was almost always a guarantee that if someone over eighty was choke slammed through a table that they would be having a heart attack or seizure. Jimmy's grandpa ended the promotion when he no longer got excited to see his war buddies and their wives smash out their dentures with frying pans.
"But grandpa this is my favorite shirt" said Jimmy, feeling slightly worried.
"TAKE OFF THE SHIRT OR I'M KICKING YOUR ASS" yelled Jimmy's grandpa as he pounded the table. The rest of the family sat around not knowing what to do.
"But Grandpa, how am I supposed to be afraid of you when you're old, gray and probably going to die soon because you put too much effort into your next bowel movement.?" Jimmy said. The rest of his family let out a single, long OOOOOOOO like they were the audience at a Jerry Springer show.
"Alright you little shit, that's it" and just like that Jimmy's grandpa reached over and picked Billy up suplexing him onto the grass. All the adults screamed as Jimmy's grandpa picked him up and walked him to the ring and threw him in.
"SON GET YOUR REFEREE SHIRT." Jimmy's grandpa yelled out. Jimmy's dad shook his head at the insanity of all this and rushed in the house and came back with the black and white striped shirt on.
"Alright Dad but please watch the forehead, I don't want my son looking like New Jack before he hits puberty."
"His forehead is going to resemble your mother's pussy the day Viagra was sold for the first time when I'm done god dammit."
Jimmy's father threw up and flipped off Jimmy's grandma. The image was more revolting than anything shown in Faces of Death.
The match began and Jimmy's grandpa was in control for the first half. He began to wear Jimmy down with some quick forearms to the chest, taking the wind right out of Jimmy's lungs. Jimmy's grandpa feeling how easy the match was going towards his favor turned to the audience in the backyard and held his hands up in the air.The audience booed him and he pulled down his pants flashing his dick at them. Then he felt a sharp sting hit his shriveled privates and as Jimmy's grandpa looked down he saw a Singapore cane between his legs. He quickly turned around and saw Jimmy holding the cane.
"YOU DIRTY MOTHER FUCKER" Jimmy's grandpa said as he felt his balls swell up.
"Survive if I let you" replied Jimmy.
Jimmy then grabbed the advantage as he bashed his grandpa in the face with the Singapore cane and Jimmy's grandpa fell down and held his arms up in defense as the Singapore cane left multiple welts all over his body. Jimmy got in one final crack on the top of his grandfather's head and held up the Singapore cane defiant towards the audience. They yelled and clapped their hands in celebration
"SANDMAN, SANDMAN!!" yelled the crowd.
Jimmy answered to this by slowly smoking a cigarette, chugging a beer and finally smashing the can over his forehead until blood poured down his forehead and into his eyes.
Because of Jimmy's showboating, Jimmy's grandpa was able to get up and got in a few shots on Jimmy's forehead above his eyebrow, opening him up like a blood orange. Jimmy looked like a six year old crazy tribesman from a third world country's tribe as he took the shots and then delivered them right back. Jimmy and his grandfather at the same time went for drop kicks twice and then both stood up afterwards holding their fists up looking at each other as the crowd cheered and clapped.
Jimmy threw his grandpa into the ropes and gave him a forearm over the Adam's apple. He then put his grandfather's body into the ropes and put him into the tarantula submission. Because this was a hardcore match, Jimmy's grandpa wasn't saved by a five count and had to tap out to the unbearable pain. The audience cheered as Jimmy left the ropes and Jimmy's dad held his son's arm up in victory.
Jimmy's grandpa being the sore loser he was came up behind Jimmy and began to hit him in the back of the forehead with a metal chair.
"NOBODY PUTS THE TARANTULA SUBMISSION ON THE MOST HARDCORE GRANDPA AND MAKES HIM TAKE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!!" Jimmy's grandpa yelled.
Jimmy running on adrenaline and a lot of anger soon got up from the chair shot in a similar fashion to the way Ultimate Warrior doing a no sell and ripped the chair from his grandfather's hands and returned the shot which knocked out his grandfather. Jimmy then dragged his grandfather over to the patio door and wrapped his arms around his waist. His grandpa struggled a little bit attempting to break out of the hold, but Jimmy swung his forearms to the back of his grandfather's spine that weakened him. Jimmy wasting no time went for a German suplex tossing his grandfather into the patio window.
The crowd made a groan as the sound of his grandfather's head smacking against the window echoed and his dazed body fell to the ground like a rag doll. It took two belly to belly suplexes before Billy was able to send his grandpa through one of the patio doors. Multiple shards of glass penetrated his grandfather's body as he screamed out in pain.
Billy once more picked up his grandfather's body and belly to belly suplexed his grandfather into the other patio door. The outside crowd began a holy shit chant as they yet again watched his body bounce against the glass and slide down into a sad pile of flesh against the door. Billy not one to quit picked up his grandfather's body and went for it again, this time succeeding as his grandfather's body left the kitchen and went back into the backyard along with multiple shards of glass. Billy saw the pile of glass and became inspired as he picked up his grandfather and gave him a DDT directly on a large pile of glass. The crowd began to chant "ECW" as they saw the shards of glass sticking out of Jimmy's grandfather's nose, eyelids and ears. He resembled some troubled goth teen attempting to be inventive after being moved by a Nine Inch Nails album.
Jimmy dragged his grandfather over to the table and poured the glass of whiskey over the table and motioned for everybody to step back. He then stepped back with a birthday candle and threw it down on the table and watched as it went up in flames. Jimmy waved his father over for help with the grand finale. Jimmy's father picked up his father going for the flapjack while Jimmy went for a cutter which when combined created what the Dudley Boyz named the Dudley Death Drop or 3D. The crowd began to chant holy shit and ECW as Jimmy's grandpa's body went through the table and caught on fire. Almost immediately Jimmy's grandpa began to run around on fire like a stuntman who fucked up. After he gave up fighting the fire and fell over, Jimmy went over and pinned his skeleton for a three count, and was crowned the youngest hardcore champion in backyard wrestling history.
Jimmy and his family celebrated at Dairy Queen. Jimmy's mother had been recording the whole thing and uploaded it on YouTube. Almost immediately his parents got a phone call from the Insane Clown Posse wanting Jimmy to wrestle in their Juggalo Championship Wrestling promotion. Jimmy agreed to wrestle with JCW and his parents yelped in happiness, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope told them they would send over a bottle of their finest stuff immediately.
As Jimmy sipped from the bottle of complimentary cotton candy Faygo soda, he knew wrestling with JCW would be something fun to do until he was old enough to be a lifeguard.