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Short story By: garrycroft


Submitted:Jan 6, 2013    Reads: 46    Comments: 10    Likes: 6   



It all started when I received a bill from Virgin Media. Usually my bill was around the £60 mark per month. This bill was around £80. I looked closer. The headline of my bill read

"You have made some changes to your services recently."

I thought

"I haven't made any changes to my service recently, what the hell are they going on about? I decided to ring them and ask why my bill was so high."

On the phone to them, before I even tackled them on the issue of the higher bills, I felt I had to point out that they were out of order to say I had changed my services when in fact it was THEY who had changed it. I said they should not send these letters out to people because at least the headline is misleading and at most a complete lie. They said they were sorry and understood my point of view.

They explained that over the last period of years I had been receiving a discount which I was now no longer entitled to. This discount was about £17. I was totally unaware that I was receiving a discount. I checked my past bills….No! There was no mention of a discount.

I saw this as simply another way of putting my bill up ( as I was not receiving any extra services ) If Virgin Media can raise my bill by such an amount at any time for spurious reasons they can forget it. This is without the prior consent and knowledge of the customer.

I decided that I no longer wanted a contract with a Company like this. I resolved with steely might to fuck them off.

I looked around for an alternative. Talk Talk was cheap and included a wireless router. I booked myself in to have my telephone line installed and then I would be ready to grasp and cherish the modern delights of Media heaven. It was so easy. Eat your heart out Virgin. Im going for a biggie at a cheaper price. What could possibly go wrong?......

…..Oh Shit! What have I done?

The engineer for TT arrived to install the line. He turned out to be one of the most depressing individuals in existence today. I arrived home from work and my wife warned me of his negativity. I said to him in an over-cheery manner

" Alright."

I was trying to break the ice of his frosty nature. He moaned immediately..

" I cant put in a line from the near telegraph pole, I will have to use the far one."

I thought

: Just get on with it and if it gets too bad just hang yourself on the aforementioned pole :

He continued " Its going to take ages this."


I thought

"Get up that fucking pole you grotesque lazy bastard."

As he departed to do the job, the heavens opened. He spent two hours clamped to the top of the telegraph pole facing monsoon conditions.

God ( even though he doesn't exist ) 1… inane pessimist 0.

When he had finished he returned and said that I could try the wireless router. I didn't have the router ! Was I supposed to have the router ? Had the tortured telegraph technician not got my router ? Who the fuck had my wireless router ? With a puzzled and deflated expression I watched the technician leave to thrash his way through the thornbed which was his life.

I rang TT and asked them where my router was. They said It had been sent out last Saturday and that it must not have arrived. They were extremely sorry about the inconvenience and another one would be sent immediately within the next five working days. I accepted their mistake and carried on with my life.

After about ten working days the router had not arrived. I rang them again. I said in a polite, relaxed and eloquent manner….

" Excuse me, where the fuck is my router ?"

I was assured that it had been sent out but it seemed that it had not arrived again. This time they were incredibly seriously sorry. I could tell they were being serious because a manager came on the phone. The manager assured me that the whole TT empire was geared up to providing me with the router I so deeply required and deserved. It did occur to me at this stage that TT must have hangars full of routers just waiting to be sent out.

I waited.

As I waited I received my billing from TT. Oh no, I have changed personalities. I am no longer Garry Croft but Gary Crofts and I am not paying £3.50 a month, as agreed, but £6.50 a month. I rang TT again.

You can probably sense that, by this stage, I was getting very pissed off with TT and their incredible lack of respect for me.

" I'm going to firebomb your main offices."

This is what I nearly said when I rang them up yet again. Of course, being a calm and collected character, I chose a much more polite way to open up my conversation on the phone. I took a stiff breath of air and explained my real name and what I had signed up for with TT.

Guess what! They were very very very very very very very very very sorry. They were so consumed in sorrow for getting wrong the few basic facts I had given them, that I thought they were going to break down crying in sympathy.

By now my head was spinning with hatred for TT and the stress they were causing me. I had dealt with them in a calm manner so far, and I did not blame the Asian blokes in the Call Centre, or take it out on them personally. It is difficult, though, to understand people who don't speak very good English……...but they managed!

All that had gone before was child's play compared to what was about to happen. It was becoming evident that TT were the new Virgin….. ie incredible robbing bastards.

Back to the waiting for the router routine. Almost three weeks passed and my router came. The fucker didn't work. I was tipped into apoplexy with the latest shortcomings of TT. I took a stiff breath of air and rang them again.

Guess what? That's correct, they were unimaginably sorry for the inconvenience and stress they had caused. The TT Board of Directors were even willing to be my slaves for a week as punishment for their abysmal service.

I took a stiff breath of cannabis. I explained that I could get the Internet and the phone service, but NOT AT THE SAME TIME!

It must be the microfilter said the incredibly serious and concerned call centre worker. On this occasion he promised to send me a microfilter which should arrive at my house quicker than the speed of light.

The climax to a glorious relationship between myself and two media giants was about to come to the most untidy of ends. It goes without saying that the newly sent microfilter did not work. The whole process had now been going on for about a month. The end was nigh.

I took a deep breath of cannabis. Then I fastened the belt tight around the top of my arm and slowly injected the unpure, deadly heroine into my veins. I picked up the phone and rang TT again.

I rang TT and asked that they send an engineer round ( preferably somebody who had the faintest enjoyment of life ) and solve my problem immediately. They could not agree more with me . I deserved it and how could they be so incompetent? An engineer would come round immediately and sort the problem out…. and he would also collect £50 off me for that service. I said

" I'm paying nothing! You want me to pay £50 for an engineer to fix a problem that is totally your responsibility and has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Forget it! The services I signed up for were never provided. Your services were defective to the point of non-existence."

The call centre bloke hung up on me.

I rang again. After a few minutes of music I wanted to kill myself to, I arrived at a manager who said that of course they could waive the £50 engineers cost and would get the service up and running. A service which I was entitled to and had still not received. I was bubbling with hatred and venom. Therefore it was probably not the best time for the manager to say,

" Of course Mr Croft we will have to take the £50 out of your direct debit account. Then you will have to ring back again after it has left your account, explain the situation, and we will refund the £50 to you."

I said

" I am not paying £50 and neither am I ringing up again and going through your stupid :………………………..

" If you would like the name of a good doctor for dealing with exceptionally high levels of stress……………………………. PRESS 1

If you would like to throttle the TT Board of Directors, PRESS 2

If you'd like to bend over, have a little sand inserted into your anus and have your brains bummed out……………………………… PRESS 3

If you simply want to tell TT to fuck off and that you never ever want to see or hear from them ever again……………………………...PRESS 4 :


" Listen, I want to break all contact immediately with TT. I'll send you back everything that you sent me. I dont want any contract with you for the rest of my life."

They said " Ooh, you cant do that Mr Croft. There will be an £88 early termination of contract fee to pay."

I said

" You can take me to court but I am not paying £50 for an engineer. Nor am I paying an £88 early termination fee. I've cancelled all my direct debits, you can't get any money off me and the balls in your court. I have never had a contract with TT as they were unable to keep to their side of the agreement FROM THE START. I signed for a service which, it turns out, TT couldn't provide.

No service no contract no money."

Amazingly the conversation continued. A manager came on the line and assured me that the £88 early termination fee could be waived!

I thought: TT must be loaded. They have sent me three routers and let me off combined fees totalling £138!.......

TT= Total Twats.

I repeated the three "no's"… service, contract and money and hung up.

I rang Virgin Media and cancelled them immediately even though they would have done anything to keep me as a valuable customer.

Yesterday, some six weeks after my initial approaches to TT, the telephone and internet went dead. No more TT.


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