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So... You're A Vampire

Short story By: Lacy Cornwall
Humor



I hate vampire stories, so with tongue in cheek, I present a story that covers everything that bugs me about them.


Submitted:Dec 6, 2012    Reads: 96    Comments: 9    Likes: 7   


So... You're A Vampire

Author's Note: I hate vampire stories at the moment. Maybe that will change when the curent reinterpretation fades away and (hopefully YEARS later) someone RE-reinterpretates it for the next generation. If there's any justice in the world, it will be for the children of the current batch of Twilight-loving vamp-wannabe's out there.

This story is told with tongue planted firmly in cheek (which really hurts after awhile, let me tell you). Spelling and grammatical errors abound, as do lapses in logic and a lowering of the flow of oxygen to my brain. I assure you that such errors are intentional. I dug deep into my soul to find my inner Mary Sue, but the bitch has flown the coop. I had to borrow someone else's Mary Sue. Once I'm through torturing her, I'll return her.

Klaire was 16 and she was really, really, really, really, really, really smart. She looked a lot like me but more glamoris than me am, but not buy much. She lived alone cause her parents were a lot like mine who won't let me do anything so she didn't live with the, Because she was really, really, really, really, really, really smart, every one new this was o.k. so CPS didn't bother her.

She went to school this morning and saw her breast friend Debby, who was almost as smart as Clair, but not as much.

"Your so amazing," dEBBIE said. "Your really, really, really, really, really, really smart. did u finish that home wrok asssignment?"

"Of couse, said Cllare. "Cause Im really, really, really, really, really, really smart."

"Its tim for klass," said Debby. "Let's go."

We got into class amd Mr. Belcher, the teacher, who taught us all, said "wee have a knew student. His name is Handsome Winthrop and hes a vampir."

He sat down next to ME! wow, he was handom and we immediately fell in love the second or third he sat down. i knew i was going to spend the resta my life with him and started writing "mrs hAndome Winstone" over and over in my notebookk.

"So... you're a vampier?" i asked, cause I was in love with him and had to no.

yeh. "hey," he sais, smilling and showing off his fangs. "your really, really, really, really, really, really smart."

Klare smiled. "Thank you. i'm an outsider too."

"why r u a outside?" Handome asked.

"cause im not like everyone else."

"tHats so kool."

:i know"

so we were like starring at each othe and stufff when these three wolfs crashed thru the window and stuff and started growling. that made our techer, Mr Wilson, who teaches us, run out of the klass and the class ran with him. me and Handsome was trapped!

who are these wolves i asked, hlding the future mr. claire really tight.

"tese r the wearwolfs, who are the natarul enemys of us vampirse.

"Wow," says Calire, "you're really, really, really, really, really, really smart. too."

:i know"

so we fawt the wolfves and beat them up. handsome was soo kool. i loved him even more.

"Kan i be a vampirre too? he asked.

'Shure" he said adn made me a vampir too.

we no live in that big house on the dge of touwn and we dont' live with hsi parents who are also vmapares. we r very hapy.

the end/





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