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Love Sick Morons

Short story By: Lucidity
Humor


Based off true events actually.

Me and my baby went to the park. All we wanted was some ice cream and a stress free enviroment. Was that what we got? No...


Submitted:May 25, 2009    Reads: 81    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


We had made our way to a nearby bench, you see, we had told my baby's parents that we wanted to go to the park for some ice cream and a place to relax. Since we had been driving the whole day in my car, and my check wasn't cashed, I was running low on gas - nearly empty. So, we decided to take her car instead. This is where the ultimate problem came into play due to our extreme differences in the way we operated the locking systems in our vehicles. My baby, who's name is Sierra, is beautiful, but she has an obsession with locking her doors. Her car is nice, it's a 2000 Ford Focus and by all means it can be necessary to lock it, but when you're going to a park, specifically the farthest back section, and you're going to be standing approximately 30 to 35 feet away, is it really needed that you lock it? Me, with my '97 Pontiac Sunfire, am alittle more carefree when it comes to locking her up. My windows and locking systems aren't automatic like my baby's, so you'll probably accuse me of being lazy, but I assure you that is not the case, I simply don't see the reason in locking my car, if someone wants in, they are going to get in and since my car was used by my brat of a sister, who had wrecked it twice and hit a man with a stroller at twelve o' clock at night, nobody would probably touch it... The man she hit was fine, though it did crack the windshield. So you can tell I don't care near as much about my pair of wheels, so I will never have the problem that we had today on this beautiful memorial day.

I love her, I do, but she had managed to lock not only the keys to her car, but both of our cell phones in the car, leaving us to gaze inward through the window as the shiny metallic rod that was her key lay in the cup holder along with the countless wrappers that had once contained the coolness of her minty freshness gum. So, like I was saying, we had stopped and gotten ice cream just moments before and now there we sat, a gloomy look of dispare on her face, and a calm and collected smile on mine.

"I'm screwed.. Screwed sideways, downways, upways... Completely screwed." My baby said as she poked her miserable white plastic spoon into her slowly melting bowl of peanut butter and chocolate chunk ice cream.

"You're not screwed baby, it's going to be fine. I can pinky promise that." I took in a large spoonful of my ice cream, which I had been craving days before.

"I really don't think you fully are comprehending the situation, love... Let me try and emphasize... I locked the keys to my 2000 Ford Focus in the car itself, along with both of our only communicating devices. We are currently in the farthest section of the Deer Creek park with nothing but our ice cream which I can tell is old. Not to mention I can see rain clouds in the distance, which I can guess are headed directly toward us.... Okay... So, say we do contact my dad, you do know we don't have triple A, and that he's psycho, so what then? Also, that key locked inside my car is the only one we have, so you can guess he'll be pissed at me... Which is just what I need, right?" She jammed the spoon into the bowl of frozen cream and then stared away from me, towards the view of the lake, which I thought was very nice, however, I was smart enough not to mention that at this particular moment. I retorted faithfully.

"On our way here, there were people in the next section down, yeah, it's going to be awkward, but we could just ask to use their cell phone." I looked at her, and I could tell anger was flowing through her veins like a torrent of white rapids in the bottom bunkers of the Grand Canyon.

"Yeah, I guess, but you're a guy, you have the junk and I have the vag, hasn't your dad taught you how to break into a damn car, can't you get into it?"

I laughed, and as I filled my spoon with another rather large chunk of peanut butter, said, "Is that what you think? On father and son day our dads take us out and show us how to break into a few cars, maybe even teach us what it means to chew tobacco or kill a small rodent?... Jesus baby, he's showed me how to be a gentleman, not how to rob rich people."

"So we are screwed?"

"No, I'll find a stick, has to be skinny yet sturdy and I'll see if I can't stick in into the window and unlock the door."

"That's assuring."

"You just stay here."

I couldn't find a stick. "Baby, I can't find a stick." Each one was either just strong enough and too fat, or just skinny enough but too flimsy.

"Oh my god... So what now? We have to go talk to those strangers?"

"What other solution is there?"

"Okay, but you're talking to them..."

"Mmmkay baby."

Our journey started off slow when my baby just realized she had to pee really bad. Maybe she didn't just realize and was just keeping it a secret, but anyway the wind blows she had to pee, and badly.

"There's bushes, I won't look." Surprisingly she glanced around as if pondering the idea, as though she was considering it. But her response showed none of the sort.

"Uhh, you just want to see me pull my pants down, you slut..."

"What?!"

"You heard me, love."

"Alright baby, alright." We continued to walk and then somehow a conversation that had taken place earlier in the day had popped into my head, I couldn't resist but to enlighten my baby with it, and maybe, in some crazy way, cheer her up.

"Today, at Wendy's, my geeking, Star Trek fiend of a manager, Greg, was telling me about parallel universes."

"Oh god...."

"He pulled me out from my sandwich station and took out a marker and started drawing on the aluminum counter near the drive-through. He drew a line and said, 'This is your lifeline' then he drew a circle and said, 'and this is today, now say you didn't come into work today but you rather went out with some friends and you wrecked your car, even though you'd be in that wreck, in another, parallel universe you are still at work, safe, in here making damn sandwiches. And each decision you make could create a totally different reality.' So you see baby? Maybe we need to suck it up so in some other universe the two of us are having a fine day without the keys locked in the car."

"Was that meant to cheer me up?"

"Kinda yea..."

"Well does it cheer you up that in a parallel universe we're not walking but rather having sex?"

I paused in realization. "Oh.." So I had failed, she had proven me wrong, it's true, I don't want to be the one who is living in the crazy spin-offs of true reality.

"Sorry baby, though you might want to know what my manager Greg filters off to me... I am the only one he'll listen to."

She smiled and in some crazy way I think I took a slight load of stress off my baby's shoulders.

I had just spanked my baby's butt when we finally reached the next section of park where the strangers had been having their little family get together. So pathetic yet cliched to the point where I kinda wanted me to be that little rascal running around about to fall and scratch his knees, or about to ride on the little spinney thing and then cry in whimpering pain as I would try to jump on but rather hit my shin on the metal part as my shirt would get caught as it continued to spin without the mercy of my life. How I longed for that, however it was time for business. I walked up to one of the lads and calmly asked. "Hey, do you think I could use your cell phone?" From behind my baby added,

"I locked my keys into my car..." The lad, standing about 5' 4'', handed me his expensive Verizon phone and as I opened it he spoke, saying, "I could break into it for you if you don't get 'hold of nobody."

I turned back around, like in some kind of slow-mo movie as I realized my luck had finally changed.

"Well, we'd rather you do that before we called anybody actually..." What was eerie, however, was that he seemed rather happy to be obliged with such a unique opportunity.

"Alright," He said, "I'll be right back, got to run home and get the tools." I didn't want him to go out of his way, well I did but I didn't want them to know that.

"Naw, it's fine, we'll just call her-" He interrupted me.

"No it's only about 6 miles away, just sit tight."

Me and my baby had found a comfy place to sit in the grass. I was cross-legged and facing her.

"I love you." I said stroking her arm.

"I love you too." She said, pulling out the grass in front of her with a seemingly possessed rage. I sensed the anger so I went in for a kiss but was decisively denied as she tilted her head away.

"The hell, baby?" I looked at her alittle angry.

"It's not I don't want to kiss you, but the people around us might think we're love sick morons if they see us kissing..." I just glanced around at everyone as she continued. "Won't they?"

I laughed, "Yeah prolly"

A rain drop fell from above, fallowed by the rumble of thunder that had gotten my attention. I stared up into the gray silky clouds above and sighed.

We had been sitting their awhile and then the dude had arrived, screeching back into the parking lot with his huge gray Durango. I approached the window and he looked out at me.

"Alright." He said, smiling an eerie smile.

"Hop in?" I said.

"Yep." He smiled, "Let's do it."

We drove to my baby's car, and there it sat, lonely and helpless. We parked next to it and the fellow went to work.

"Thanks, we didn't mean for you to go that far out of your way."

"Only bout 6 miles, it's fine... I used to do this for a living actually. Breaking into cars and such."

I looked over at my baby, she was trying not to laugh, but it was true, our luck really couldn't have been any better, my baby knew it too. We had locked ourselves out of her car and it just so happens a man was in that same park who had once been a car jacking heathen. I smiled.

He finally unlocked the door and then hopped back into his car.

"Thanks so much dude, you have no idea."

"Not a problem at all, not bad for 6 years of experience though, right?"

I laughed and shook his hand.

We had gotten back into my baby's car when I layed my head on the head rest and sighed rain drops slowly pelting the windshield. From my left she said, "Kiss me." I looked at her smiling.

"You don't want me to."

"Kiss me right now or I'll kick your little ass!"

I kissed my baby, and I thought to myself, we really are love sick morons. Stuck in the parallel universe as our smarter more civilized selves thrived in a more serious and tammed universe, happily living together. I smiled, proud to be the crazy spin-offs of the boring true reality.





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