Walking into the old college building in Bathgate, I head towards the first floor where my course tutor's room is, ready to start the day.
"Alan," I look around after hearing my name.
Eventually I spot Shane leaning against the wall outside the room I was going to. I approach him and stop.
"Alright ya rocket?" I ask.
"Aye, fine. You got that tenner yer due me from months ago?"
"Naa, but I do have a few magic pills you can have."
"You seem to be under the impression this is Jack an' the f**kin' Beanstalk."
He rolls his eyes. "Ha ha, cunny funt. Seriously though they're great and... worth twice what I owe you."
"They'd better be." I open my hand and a small bag with three purple pills is placed on my palm.
My face hardens as I pocket them. "How do I know these aren't yer Dad's viagra - like last time?"
He grins. "'Cause they were blue."
Shaking my head I walk past him into the classroom.
I grab a bottle of water from my bag, place the pills - covertly - into my mouth and wash them down in one gulp.
Here goes nothing...
Lunchtime finally arrives and I rush out the college like my arse is on fire. I have three hours before my next class, so Robert - my best mate - and I are going to the pub for a liquid lunch.
Seeing him waiting at the gate, I move in his direction and we leave the college grounds. We walk down the steep hill leading towards the main part of the town.
"How long ye got?" I ask.
"All afternoon; they think I have the dentist."
We stop to look in a shop window and Robert points out a hot shop assistant.
I smile and raise my eyebrows in response.
"Whatcha lookin' at bawbag?"
I look around; confused.
"Oi, am talkin' tae you cloth-ears, the one lookin' in ma windows."
I look up; puzzled.
I blink and - much to my alarm - so does the building.
"I'm... umm... lookin' in yer mouth?"
"Eh?" says Robert.
"Nosey little shite, am goin' t' stick ma big toe up yer wee arse."
My eyes widen in fear.
"F**k this!" I turn and run across the road - ducking down a side street.
How the f**k can a buildin' grow legs? I ask myself as I flee in terror from my pursuer.
I spot a tiny alley and dart towards it. No way the f**ker can get me in here.
A few minutes later Robert catches up.
"What th' hell was that all about?" He asks.
"Bloody building... talkin'... grew legs... chased me."
He laughs - prick.
"Come on, you need a drink."
"Ok, but let's stick to the back streets most of the way. I don't wanna chance it finding me again." I say, my mind still in a panic.
An hour later my mind finally began settling as Robert and I sat in the pub drinking our fourth round.
"Fancy a game o' pool?" He asks.
"Yup, rack 'em up."
We get up and walk to the table. Robert sets up the game.
"Usual rules?" he asks handing me a cue.
"Aye, th' loser - i.e. you - buys next round." I grin as he makes a face in response.
Just then, the pub's doors swing open and in walks a group of men.
"F**k me, it's the Village People!" I whisper in awe.
"It's a group of workies ya tool." Robert can barely suppress his snigger.
"Are ye blind? Look, there's a workie; a native American; a biker; a copper; a soldier and a cowboy." I say as I point to each of the six men in turn.
"What the f**k are you on?" He laughs at me.
I glare as I turn back to continue our game.
Some music comes on so I swing around clapping and bouncing up and down with glee.
"...Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself up off the ground..."
I mouth along with the words as I turn to Robert, beckoning him to join me.
"Come on mate. If the Village People are doing us an impromptu performance the least we can do is sing along."
His eyes widen and he looks at me as if I've lost my mind.
"Here comes the chorus..."
I move to a clear space on the pub floor.
"... many ways to have a good time... It's fun to stay at the..."I throw my arms up, "...Y...M...C...A. It's fun to stay at the Y...M...C...A." I continue to sing along delightedly and do all the arm movements to spell out YMCA.
Robert looks as if he's having a stroke as he grabs me and pushes me towards the doors.
Everyone in the pub looks on in disbelief as I'm bundled out the door shouting:
"Aww come on Rab. Look they're about to sing In the Navy..."