An Armed Robbery Gone
By Mike Stevens
A desperate criminal broke out of prison and headed for the nearest mini-market to hold it up so he’d have enough money to skip the country. The first store he saw was Paulson’s Mini-Market, where a lazy, slacker teenage guy hung out most days playing video games and eating frozen burritos like they were going out of style. Sometimes he bought a large fountain drink, as that was his best value, but only when he wasn’t broke (which was most of the time) and in between paychecks from his job “cutting grass.” Now this wasn’t actual grass, but “grass”. You guessed it: he would buy a pound of pot, divided it up into ounces, and re-sell it at the local elementary school.
Today he had gone to Paulson’s to hang out and play Ittelor, Paulson’s newest video game, which combined the thrill of checkers with the drama of 10 foot tall aliens. He was deeply absorbed in the game when the desperate criminal burst through the door, wearing a ski mask, brandishing a handgun and demanded all the money in the cash register.
The slacker, who couldn’t hear from his location at the back of the store, thought to himself , Say, I wonder what’s up? I think I’ll run up to the register and find out what all the commotion is and while I’m there, get myself another extra-large cola and cool myself down. Man, is it ever hot! He walked right up to the register, and, noticing the guy wearing a ski mask, said loudly,
“A ski mask, in the middle of summer? Dude, it’s baking outside, why are you wearing that ski mask? You really ought to have an ice-cold drink.”
The desperate criminal just stared. He was struck mute by this dumb idiot.
The slacker took the desperate criminal’s silence to mean he was broke and quickly said, “Oh, if you’re broke I just got paid and I’ll buy you one. There’s no need for embarrassment!”
The armed robber couldn’t believe how stupid this jerk was. He said to the slacker, “Put your hands up, moron, this is a stick up!”
The slacker replied, “Ah, that’s a gun, not a stick!”
“Huh?” replied the armed robber.
The slacker’s shoulders sagged with disgust and he replied, “It was just a small joke! See, you said, ‘This is a stick up’, and I said, ‘That’s a gun, not a sti--”
“Okay, enough with the lame jokes.”
“Well you don’t have to be rude about it. Now, if you don’t mind I’ll just get back to my video game,” retorted the slacker.
Once again, the armed robber was baffled by this moron. “What the hell do you think I’m doing here, playing a game? This is a robbery. Now, nobody goes back to doing anything. Give me your wallet, punk, before I waste you’re a**!”
The slacker thought about the $150 in his wallet and said, “I’m not giving you d**k. Now why don’t you give me the gun, before somebody gets hurt?”
The armed robber just laughed and replied, “I’m the one holding the gun and I’ll make the call!”
The slacker got hacked and said, “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” and suddenly, before the armed robber knew what had hit him, the slacker was all over him, punching his exposed face.
After a bunch of roundhouse punches the armed robber yelled, “Okay, okay, I’ve had enough, I give up!”
The slacker grabbed the gun and said triumphantly, “I knew those boxing lessons in gym class would come in handy someday!” He told Pierson to call the police.
“Damn!” the armed robber exclaimed.
When the police had arrived and hauled the armed robber off to prison, the slacker said,
“Mr. Paulson, please give me another extra-large fountain drink and a roll of quarters. I’m determined to get high score on Ittellor!”