By Mike Stevens
Karl Lackey was a little frightened. Like a moron he had come to this lonely castle high in the hills of Bulbia to check out reports that something horrible, not to mention undead, lived here. Lackey was a reporter working on a story about this place because several people had checked into this bed and breakfast, never to be seen again. His shaking hand reached for the knocker but before he could use it the door was flung open and a dude wearing all black, with a black cape said,
"Vellcome, my name ist Count Chalker. I'm zee owner of dis establishmenttt. How may I bee of helppp?"
Lackey sensed something sinister from this dude in black. "Ah yes, I'd like a room please" he managed with not a little fear in his voice.
Chalker replied, "Zertainly, I half super-duper room! Vill that bee cash or charge?"
Lackey held out his personalized Baha Times credit card without thinking. "Ooopps, let's try this one.", handing him a different bank card.
"I'll bee right back vit your room key," Count Chalker replied as he left the room.
Count Chalker ran the credit card through the imprinter after calling it in to be verified. So, this guy was a reporter eh? Well, he couldn't allow him to leave. If it became known around that The Restful Arms B&B was run by a vampire, his business would go bye-bye. That sure would suck. Eh, ha, ha! He always cracked himself up. Speaking of sucking, that's exactly what he intended to do tonight, to Mr. Lackey's blood.
Karl Lackey slowly climbed the spiral staircase Count Chalker had told him would lead to his room. Even though it was still daylight outside it was as dark as a tomb inside. He strained to see by the flickering, feeble light cast by the single candle he held in his trembling hand. Up the stairs and to the right, he'd been told. All he had to do was survive this night and in the morning, after a light, yet satisfying continental breakfast and some coffee, he was sure things would look better.
It was long after midnight and the B&B was dark, except for the eerie shaft of moonlight which danced across the floor and illuminated a bat, a bat which was flying up the staircase, where it turned back into Count Chalker, or rather, his more evil incarnation, Dripula. He slowly opened the door and crept to the bed, where he gazed upon the sleeping face of Karl Lackey. Oh, look at that neck, it was a neck built for sucking.
Karl Lackey was finding it difficult keeping his eyes open. Despite his dread it had been a long day. He still strained to hear any strange noise in the room but more and more, he caught himself drifting off and dreaming.
Dripula pulled back the covers and exposed the victim's neck. He bent to start sucking the tasty plasma, when all of a sudden he felt that old tickle in his nose. Not now! His allergies where starting up. His nose started pouring and he found it hard to keep from sneezing. He started to sit up when his nose itched uncontrollably and he sneezed loudly.
Karl Lackey was lying in bed and a beautiful woman was pulling back the covers and bending down to nibble his neck when suddenly, she sneezed, loudly. He was jolted awake to see a vampire as he changed into a bat and started to fly away. What the hell? Then he realized he had fallen asleep and had been awakened by the vampire's sneezing. He grabbed the can of mace he had kept on his nightstand and turned to see where he was. Dripula was flying towards the open door. Once he gained the open hallway, he would then get away. Lackey couldn't allow that, so he took aim. It would be a difficult shot, but he let loose a stream of mace. The mace hit home on the darting bat.
He was almost safely away and no harm had been done. All Lackey would see was a bat flying away. He wouldn't know it was the Count. That had been a close one, but….suddenly he was hit by a stream of water. Hah, if Lackey thought that a stream of water was going to stop hi….son of a bitch that stung!
Karl Lackey watched the stream of mace strike the bat, who started flying erratically, going in circles, and bouncing off the walls and furniture. It landed with a thud on the carpet and sat there. After a few moments it began to change shape, into the shape of a man. Before long, the bastard had turned from a bat, first into Dripula, then back into B&B owner, Count Chalker. Lackey couldn't believe his eyes. "Count Chalker, why you're no innkeeper, you're a vampire!" "
The Count replied, "Vell, no s***! I vould have sucked you dry of blood, except I'm allergic to something you're vearing."
"Oh, maybe like these fleece pajamas?"