Dripula Meets Goiterstein
By Mike Stevens
Helmut Chalker, also known as Count Chalker, used to be wealthy and owned his own Bed & Breakfast, but now, after being unmasked, he was broke and his business had gone t*** up. For he was in reality a vampire, and once the word got around, nobody was willing to risk staying at his B&B. He’d barely escaped with his life after the man who’d unmasked him, a reported named Karl Lackey, had then tried to corner him. He’d been poised to bite Lackey’s neck when the bastard had sprayed him with mace. This had caused to lose control of his flying and then he’d changed back into human form. Luckily, he’d managed to change back into bat form just as Lackey swung a fire poker at his head. Chalker was left with no way to make a living and so he’d ended up here, “Colonel Scar’s Halloween Traveling Show”, where he was cast, ironically enough, as the werewolf. Colonel Scar had told him when he’d requested the role of the vampire that no one would buy him as the vampire. Oh well, he needed the money, so he became the werewolf.
Dr. Dan Goiterstein was trying to make his human-like creation feel more like a real person, not the cobbled-together piece of s*** he was, so he thought of taking one of his creations, Der II, to a show. There were no stage plays in town but he did see an advertisement for “Coronal Scar’s Halloween Traveling Show”, which sounded close enough. Der II needed to experience the things real people experienced.
'So I don’t have any choice in the matter?' thought Der II. Well, he was having none of it. He’d go and pretend to be happy about it, just long enough to make his escape.
The audience was screaming as Count Chalker howled and bared his fake fangs from which, for those in the audience sitting close to the stage, fake blood dripped. 'This is ridiculous', he thought. He would never let actual blood didn’t drip from his mouth; he wouldn’t allow the precious plasma to go to waste like that. No, he would have sucked up every last drop, but the audience had paid good money to see a show, and he’d give them one. Werewolves didn’t really exist, everyone knew that, but he’d sure make it seem as if they did. He crept on fake claws under the backdrop of a painted fake full moon up behind the fake farmer, howled and attacked.
Der II was sitting there watching the fake nightmare while planning his escape. He looked sickly, due to the white-face makeup he wore to conceal his natural (or, more accurately, unnatural) green skin color. He looked like some sort of clown in his dress. Dr. Goiterstein had made him conceal everything which might give him away by dressing as a woman. From his neck bolts hung bazaar-looking earrings, which made him look all-the-more ridiculous. Der II didn’t know a lot, but he knew he made one butt-ugly woman and the neck rings only made his neck bolts even more noticeable.
Count Chalker looked out at his audience. They all were having a wonderful time. They were all dressed normally, except for this one woman his eyes kept returning to; man was she ugly!
Der II had decided; it was time. He told Dr. Goiterstein he had to take a leak and after staggering around trying to decide which way to go, made his way to the concourse and stumbled to a door which, when he opened it, proved to lead to the stage. Oh well, he had no choice, he’d been gone way too long. Out in the audience, he heard Dr. Goiterstein calling his name. There was no way in hell he was going back to the laboratory, so he entered onto the stage.
Count Chalker was doing his best to make it seem like he was a real werewolf, when the stage door opened and the same ugly woman he had noticed before, walked through it and onto the stage.
“Look mommy, an ugly woman with white streaks running down her green skin!” Der II heard from the audience. He was sweating under the glare of the arc lights illuminating the stage. Great globs of white makeup slid down his face, revealing his green-colored skin.
Count Chalker was hacked. Here was the ugliest woman he had ever seen, doing her best to steal the spotlight. Well, he wasn’t going to take this. He strode over to the intruder and whispered, “And vhat iz it you think you iz doingk?”
Der II found himself confronted by the angry-looking wolf-man. He responded to the angry wolf-man’s query by saying, “Der II sorry, Der II try to find exit door and Der II ended up here instead.”
“Vell, keep you’re voice down, and ve’ll juss have to pretendd you’re part of the act, before you ruin itt” replied the wolf-man.
“Oh, excuse Der II!” he answered.
Count Chalker said loudly, so the audience could hear, “Here comes an unsuspecting voman!”
Der II answered, “What you, stupid or something? You already tell Der II hi; you met Der II.”
Count Chalker hissed, “Play along!” under his breath.
“Der II play along? We playing a game Der II missing?” he answered loudly.
“Oh, juss forget itt you dumkoff!” the Count replied.
Der II was perplexed. What was the wolf-man so upset about? “Look, tell Derr II where is door and Derr II leave.”
Count Chalker gave up. “Itt iz right over dare!”
Dr. Dan Goiterstein couldn’t believe it. There was Der II, on stage with a 3rd-rate actor portraying a werewolf, fully in view of the audience, who seemed confused and were being strangely silent, as if seeing a green-skinned ugly woman was a common occurrence. They must think Der II was a part of the show. He had to get Der II away before the audience figured out Der II wasn’t part of the show.
Der II lumbered in the direction the wolf-man had pointed, but saw no door. It was a dead-end. Suddenly, Dr Goiterstein’s voice sounded behind him.
“Der II, the game is over; the jig is up.”
There it was again; a reference to some kind of game. He tried and tried to understand but to no avail. If this was a game he didn’t know how to play; and what was a “jig”, and if it was up he’d better be more careful, lest he trip over it.
Goiterstein went on, “You have no way out of here so you had better just come quietly to me and we’ll go back to the lab.”
Back to the lab? He wasn’t going back there! In a panic, he walked towards the wall. If there was no door, he would make one. With that, he started punching holes in the wall.
“Der II, stop right now!” came the cry from Dr. Goiterstein.
“Der II say eat it, Doctor. Der II not go back, Der II never go ba—”. His words were cut off by a roaring noise, as the entire wall crashed down over him.
“Der II!” screamed Goiterstein. He had tried to stop Der II from punching the wall, for he clearly saw just what was bound to happen, but Der II wouldn’t listen, and now there was no point in screaming; Der II was dead, again.
Count Chalker had just been hacked at the girl, but hadn’t wanted what had just occurred to her to happen. Well, screw this job; pretty soon the place would be swarming with police like locusts, asking a lot of questions, and as he was really a vampire, he couldn’t afford to have the police around. He had too many skeletons in his closet, literally. He changed into a bat and just flew away.
Dr. Goiterstein was breaking to Miss Wood and their son that Der II, her husband, and his father, was gone. After he had broken the news to them, it was back to the lab for another try. Sure, this time it hadn’t worked out, but try, try again!