Jimmy Reno, The World's
By Mike Stevens
The venue was packed; Jimmy Reno gazed out with lots of butterflies on the overflow crowd. After all the nervous fake laughter, all the pained looks, all the ridicule by friends and family; he would prove himself. They would all find out just how funny he actually was when they witnessed a crowd of mostly complete strangers laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. His friends and family wouldn't know funny if it took a dump in their shoe. That summed up his feelings perfectly, and would make a funny joke, "They wouldn't know funny if it took a dump in their shoe!" He'd work that joke into his routine. He was about to take the stage at the big 'Joke-Off' which was where amateur comedians competed for a 1st place prize of $1,000. Jimmy almost felt sorry for the other comedians; because once he took the stage their jokes would seem pathetic.
It was finally his turn. He'd had to endure hearing several people who had no clue, they were totally unfunny. Compared to these losers he would be an absolute scream. He heard the announcer say,
"Next, we have a very funny gentleman. Say hello to Jimmy Reno!"
Jimmy took the stage, grabbed the microphone, and looked out on the audience. He felt nothing but terror, but he'd be damned if he wasn't funny. "Thank you, people! It's great to be here. I just flew in from Chicago, and boy, are my back and shoulders ever sore!"
Nothing but embarrassed, nervous silence greeted Jimmy. "You know, from flapping; hello? Is this mike even on? I was at a restaurant the other day, and an acquaintance of mine spotted me and came up and asked,
"Mind if I join you?"
I said, "Why, am I coming apart?"
All that Jimmy heard was feedback from the microphone amplifier. "EEEEEEEE!" Those were his two best jokes; it sure was a tough crowd. It was time to hit them with his new joke.
"This horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long fac---"
Then, he couldn't believe what happened next. Suddenly he couldn't breathe and he was being pulled sideways. He looked down to see a hook wrapped around his neck, pulling him offstage. He had seen that happen only in cartoons. When he had been pulled all the way offstage he looked angrily around for the person responsible for this outrage. The owner of the club stood holding the hook.
"Say man, what's the big idea? I was competing for a $1,000 dollar prize!"
The owner said, "Pal, with jokes as terrible as yours I had to do something to keep the people from leaving, because your act blew! As for the $1,000 bucks, you should be paying us for having to endure your so-called 'jokes'.
Jimmy was super-hacked. "Oh yeah, jerk? Let me tell you something, you wouldn't know funny if it took a dump in your shoe!"