By Mike Stevens
A Sir Robert Tale
Sir Robert Timkins tried in vain to roll over and get some sleep. His mind kept thinking about their upcoming performance at the big ‘Rocka-Paloosa’ concert today. He knew this was Sledgehammer Nightmare’s big chance, as roughly 100,000 fans would be in attendance. He knew they had only been invited to play after he’d begged and pleaded and basically groveled to his friend, Max Davis, who was in charge of booking the show. Granted, he hadn’t called Max, whom he’d met doing community service after being arrested for shoplifting, since he’d picked up garbage inside and outside the arena Max owned, but when he’d read in the paper that ‘Rocka-Paloosa’ was going to be held at The Arrow Dome. The Arrow Dome is where he’d drawn trash duty, and he knew the manager, not well, maybe, but he was damn sure going to take advantage. He reflected on their telephone conversation: Sir Robert had put on his invisible knee pads, and called up Max Davis.
“Arrow Dome, this Max Davis speaking, how may I help you?”
“Max! Max, it’s me, Robert Timkins!”
“You know, Sir Robert Timkins?”
“Oh yeah, how are you doing?” Inside, Max was still thinking who?
“I’m doing well; I read in the paper you’re having ‘Rocka-Paloosa” this year, and I’d very much like to get my band, Sledgehammer Nightmare, signed up to play.”
“I’m sorry, Robert, but we’ve already got all the bands.”
“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do.”
“Please? It would mean so much to me; please do it for our friendship?”
Max Davis thought, friendship, what friendship? I don’t even remember who this clown is! “I’m sorryRobert, but the lineup is set.”
Sir Robert didn’t want to have to play this card, but he sensed a golden opportunity slipping away. “Let me tell you that you might want to reconsider; I was emptying the trash in your office, and I happened to see that paper. You’re embezzling lots of dough from the Arrow Dome.”
There was silence from the other end of the line.
“Are you still there?” asked Sir Robert.
“Eh, yeah, but how did you just ‘happen’ to see that paper? It was at the bottom of one of the drawers.”
Nothing but silence came from Sir Robert, then he said, “That doesn’t matter; what matters is, unless we are added to the bill, the press WILL be hearing about it!”
“Why, you snooping little b*****d!”
"Well, what’s it going to be; play or prison?”
Max was p****d, but he didn’t see any option. “Okay, your band is in; and you’ll say nothing?”
Sir Robert was getting more and more tired as the day progressed. He knew he should have slept, but all night, the excitement wouldn’t let him. Now, he was finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes open. Well, there was nothing he could do about catching some zees, they were due at The Arrow Dome in 1/2 hour.
The members of Sledgehammer Nightmare were backstage, waiting to go on. They had been told they’d go on next. The members exchanged worried glances; where was Sir Robert?
Sir Robert awoke with a start. Did he or didn’t he hear Sledgehammer Nightmare being introduced? He hadn’t meant to fall asleep; he had gone into an empty office just to have some quiet, for he had a pounding headache, but he had made the mistake of closing his eyes, just for a second, and been jolted awake by their announcement. Of all times for his lack of sleep last night to catch up to him!
He stumbled towards the stage, and picked up his wireless microphone, which had been tested, and was ready to go, and screamed, “Are you ready for a Sledgehammer to your nuts?”He then stumbled out on the stage.
Max Davis was watching as 'Hellalouya' got ready for their encore. Suddenly, a thundering voice announced a dip-s**t saying, and Sir Robert Timkins staggered out onto the stage!
Sir Robert stared at the suddenly-quiet crowd. Wait a minute, what was wrong with this picture? Where the hell was HIS band?
Sir Robert stared at the program on the T.V. without seeing it. He’d made a total disgrace of himself. He’d been so embarrassed, Sledgehammer Nightmare didn’t even play. There was NO way in the world he was going back out there in front of 1000,000 people who now thought of him as Sir Robert Dick, lead singer for a band of dicks!