By Mike Stevens
A Guiltiest Man Tale
“Goodbye Mrs. Fenster, and I hope your arm heals really soon!”
Mrs. Fenster, who lived in his apartment building, had been having pains in her arm, and he’d run into her in the stairwell. Danny Pretest liked Mrs. Fenster, as she’d always been super-nice to him, greeting him with her warm smile whenever she’d see him around the apartment complex.
“Thank you Danny, you’re such a good neighbor.”
Later that night, as Danny tried in vain to fall asleep, a dark thought kept running through his mind. What if, instead of being the way he was remembering it, the conversation had gone something like this:
“Goodbye Mrs. Fenster, and I hope your arm feels better. I wonder what could be the cause of all that arm pain? If you were a guy, I’d say lay off the wackage, but you’re a gal; although either that’s a fat roll in your pants, or you’re awfully glad to see me! No, I’m only kidding; I’m sure it’s a roll of fat.”
An embarrassed and angry Mrs. Fenster replied, “How rude!” and disappeared up the stairs.
No, he never would have said that! But the more he tried to recall the actual conversation, the more cloudy his memory became. He had better call Mrs. Fenster just to make sure he was remembering it right. He got out his list of phone numbers, found Mrs. Fenster’s number, and dialed it. After a many rings, a sleepy-sounding Mrs. Fenster answered,
“Oh, hi Mrs. Fenster, this is your downstairs neighbor, Danny Pretest calling. Sorry to call so late”
“Oh, hi Danny, is there something wrong?”
“No, the reason I’m calling is to make sure I said I hope that arm heals soon, and didn’t say, ‘You might want to stop playing pocket pool for hours.’”
“You know, the reason your arm hurts so much is you might be over-wacking your best friend!”
“Well! I don’t have anything to do that with; I’m a woman!”
"Yes, I know, but then I could have compounded my mistake by replying, ‘Are you going camping, because isn’t that a tent pole in your drawers?’ I just wanted to make sure I didn’t say anything like that. Hello?”
He heard nothing but the dial tone. She hung up! Wow, you call to make sure you didn’t say anything inappropriate, and she hangs up on your a**!