Sir Robert; Huckster
By Mike Stevens
A Sir Robert Tale
“Ah, ha, ha, ha!” was the response from the record store owner that Sir Robert Timkins had approached about selling Sledgehammer Nightmare’s self-produced album, “Well Beyond Disaster.” He left, dejected. So far at least, this was the typical reaction. He’d expected it would be a hard sell, and his expectations were being met.
Sir Robert walked into Bomb Casing Records, and his eyes sought out the manager or owner. A man wearing a “Love Machine; Just Insert a Quarter!” tee shirt, asked,
"Can I help you, sir?"
Maybe a couple of ROLLS of quarters, and maybe not even then tee shirt, he thought, “Yeah, I’d like to expose, eh, you, to--"
“Whoa, there, perv!”
“No, expose you to a great new band, Sledgehammer Nightmare!”
“Oh, if it’s metal, I’d be more than happy to hear it.”
“Great, do you have a cassette deck I could use?”
“Sure, I’ll play it on the store’s system.” He put in the tape, and the far-away sound of some type of music came on, along with some overpowering drums.
“Holy s**t; that’s awful!” complained the storeowner/manager.
Sir Robert then said, “So, that’s a no?”
He had decided to skip stores and sell the album on line. So far, they had sold a total of 5; each member of the band had purchased one.Time to focus on our stage show; I guess we’ll become renowned as a live act! thought Sir Robert.
Let’s see; a picture of a ferocious bear, with claws bared, standing on it’s haunches, about to attack a boy scout troupe! He was trying to come up with a huge backdrop picture for their live show.
“What the hell, a picture of a blob of s**t with legs, chasing a bunch of circus clowns? I don’t get it!” smirked Knuckles Magginty, the band’s drummer, upon seeing the amateurishly-drawn backdrop.
“Hey, it’s supposed to be a grizzly bear chasing a helpless boy scout troupe,” answered Sir Robert. “I think it turned out rather well, considering I had a limited budget.”
“Yeah, hiring some 3rd grade finger painters was a stroke of genius!” replied Magginty.
“Hey, how did you know?”Sir Robert then said.
“I was kidding!” responded Magginty.
Oops! “Yeah, so was I!” Well, the rest of the band had no idea how hard everything was with a limited budget.
“Mountains of evil, tower over your head; you’d be looking at them, but you’re dead!” screamed Sir Robert. Sledgehammer Nightmare was opening the ‘Losers with No Hope’ concert. The 5 kids in attendance raised their fists and punched the air.
As soon as they finished their set, Sir Robert rushed to get everything loaded in the 1973 shag-carpeted van he had purchased from “Free-Love Reasoner”, a burned-out hippy woman from the drug days. As he was finishing up, a teenager wearing jeans that hung so low, his a** looked like it was trying to escape jean prison, came up to him and asked,
“Awesome show, dudes; except what’s with the blob of s**t with legs backdrop?”
Oh, well, he should have known better than to agree to open for a bunch of bands he’d met at an all-you-can-eat chili place. He’d been sitting there eating his 9th bowl of chili; which was the reason he felt like he was riding a self-propelled a**-rocket; when he’d overheard this group of vampire-people, who were dressed all in black, which matched their fingernails, saying they had put together an all-ages concert called the “Losers with No Hope’ festival. Sir Robert piped up with,
“Excuse me, gentleman, I couldn’t help but overhear you have a metal show planned. Any chance my band could get in on this deal?” BIG mistake!
Once again, Sir Robert descended the stairs in his brain that led down into the dark, shadowy basement, where his hope went to curl up and die!