Sledgehammer Nightmare and Fireface
By Mike Stevens
A Sir Robert Tale
Tonight was THE show for Sir Robert Timkins’ new band, Sledgehammer Nightmare. They’d gone over well at The Cranium-Splitter Festival; granted, it was only 40 inebriated kids, but still, it had been an ego-boosting night for Sir Robert especially. He was at one point the only person who thought mixing opera and death metal was a good idea, and even his belief in the idea was wavering. They’d been laughed at, at the best, and fire bombed at the worst. Dissatisfied youth would aim bottle rockets and toss M-80’s at them to show their displeasure. He’d just about been ready to give it up, when they had played The Cranium-Splitter Festival. Much to his surprise and delight, the crowd had cheered instead of throwing s**t. The fact they had been well-received had confirmed to Sir Robert, if no one else, that his risky experiment would work.
They had answered an ad where a band named Fireface was looking for another band, with a little more experience, to team up with. Fireface had just been formed, and where looking to open up for another band. When they had met in person, the other band’s vocalist said,
“Is this some kind of a practical joke?”
Robert answered, “Ah, no. I’m the lead singer, Robert Timkins, but you can call me Sir Robert!” He had answered so sarcastically because the guy had pissed him off, royal!
“Dude, you look more like a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman!”
Robert stifled an overwhelming urge to go off on the guy, and replied, “Well, that’s because I’m trying to show; never judge a book by its cover!”
“That’s good advice, because the name of the book that goes with the cover I’m seeing must be Dork Victory!”
Sir Robert was in a rage, but he’d somehow managed to walk away from the guy without ripping off the guy’s rude-a** face, and making him watch as his own face beat the s**t out of him! Fireface was on stage now, and almost done. Then it would be Sledgehammer Nightmare time. As Sir Robert gazed out at the overflow crowd, he was full of doubts. What if the crowd laughed at them? No, they wouldn’t laugh; Sledgehammer Nightmare was hitting their stride; after all, hadn’t they done well at The Cranium-Splitter Festival? Fireface’s music sounded bad to Sir Robert’s trained ear, but the kids seemed to like them. Suddenly, Fireface finished their last song. An overwhelming roar split the night air. The members of Fireface stood looking out at the crowd.
‘Come on, what’s the hold up? Get your a***s off the stage, so we can set up!’ thought Sir Robert. That was the deal, no extra songs for the opening act, and yet, here Fireface was, not moving offstage. In fact, with they way they were looking at each other, they were getting ready to keep on playing. Just as he was thinking this, an ungodly crunch sounded from the amplifiers, and Fireface launched into another song! This was bulls**t!
Finally, after 3 encores, Fireface came offstage, and a livid Sir Robert met them as they were coming off. “What kind of bulls**t was that?”
Lead Singer Samson Maruli replied, “Dude, we’re sorry, but, well, you saw; I know we hadn’t planned on an encore, but they demanded it!”
“Bulls**t, bulls**t, bulls**t!’ were the only words returned by Sir Robert.
At last, they were ready to hit the stage. The crowd had grown restless with the long break, and Sir Robert sensed trouble if they didn’t begin soon. Sir Robert screamed into his microphone, “Hell’s bells, do we have a crowd, or what?”
Someone in the audience shouted back, “Shut your pie whole and rock, already!”
Sir Robert briefly wondered just exactly where a ‘pie hole’ was located, before the band launched into ‘Cut to Pieces’, their opening number. It turned out to be their closing number also, for the expectant crowd took one listen to what they were hearing, and decided it sucked. Boos, spare change, and in one case, a whole baggie of crap, were hurled towards the band. Sir Robert at one point between duckings, saw members of Fireface off to the side of the stage, booing lustily. Apparently, even their opening act thought they sucked!
As the other members dropped their instruments and fled for the safety that was anywhere offstage, it dawned on Sir Robert that it was the end of his bold idea to mix opera, and death metal. It was as he was fleeing for his life that the afore-mentioned baggie of crap struck his amplifier, covering him in a foul-smelling, dripping brown mess. No sir, he didn’t need this s**t; literally!