In His Own Words, The Billy Hays Story
By Billy Hays/ with Mike Stevens
The story of a pitch man; the greatest ad man the world has ever known!
I was born a salesman. As long as I can remember, it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do. I was brought into this world on March 27th, 1975. When I was old enough to start high school, I had my first sale, selling to my parents on the idea that I didn’t need to finish school, because I was focused like a laser on selling, and let’s be honest, it’s not rocket science! All you need is an over-the-top attitude, and a loud voice that grates on people’s nerves enough that they’ll by a bucket of s**t, just to shut you up! And so, I attended Slick Willy’s School of Being Obnoxious, where I practiced and honed my screaming, overly-loud style of speaking, until I graduated from there. Then I got a job pitching ‘Slam, Owe’. Now, it’s basically a rag that people can use to staunch the flow of blood after being smacked in the face and having their nose shattered. Any old rag would do the same thing, but I sold the hell out of ‘Slam, Owe’, and my name recognition shot up. Soon, I was pitching anything from cat litter, to naked-girl doorknockers. Soon, I was so well-known, my face was adorning bus stop, restaurant, and truck-stop restrooms across the United States, as well as Puerto Rico, Greenland, and lots of other spots. Chances are, if you stopped to take a wiz, you’d have no chance of missing my smiling face. Believe me, being on the wall of so many restrooms is heady stuff! I started to think of myself as a star, when in reality, I was nothing more than an obnoxious loud mouth. I needed something to reel in my out-of-control ego. That something came in the form of an FBI investigation into the ‘The Slam, Oh!’ Corporation.
Long story short, “Slam, Owe” was indicted on 32 counts of defrauding it’s customers, and I was sent reeling back to reality. But at least now I was more determined than ever to make pitching useless products my life’s work. I loved everything about it: from the thrill you get when an elderly grandmother gives you her entire life savings for safekeeping, because she thinks your a trained money investor, when the only think you’re trained in, is how to put money in a stripper’s underwear, and how to dump a fifth of alcohol over your head, because you can waste it, because it’s some elderly grandmother’s money; to taking a kid’s lunch money. The way I see it, if you have compassion for other people, this is the wrong business for you. If that sounds heartless, that’s because it is! It’s all about how many possessions you can rack up!
After “Slam, Owe,” I took a job selling hair tonic to bald guys. I told them it promoted hair growth. Yes, I said, just shampoo 8 times a day with ‘Miracle Sprout Hair Restorer”, and they’d grow enough hair to repel down their own back! It’s amazing what people will buy when you appeal to their vanity. After that, I pitched ‘Ladder to Wealth’, a get-rich pyramid scheme disguised as an opportunity for average Joe’s to get rich, by selling worthless crap; if you will, trinkets and beads, to other in-breeders who have to same delusional fantasy of getting incredibly wealthy doing nothing. All they have to do is, in turn, recruit more gullible people to sell things, and they’d keep a lot of the profits for themselves; all they’d have to do is keep paying a portion to the person above them on the pyramid. The people at the top of the pyramid are getting richer by fanning the flames of incredible wealth to the idiots directly below them, who keep recruiting new people.
Now, I hawk everything from reusable plastic diapers for children, to clothing made from hedge clippings. Chances are, if you don’t need it, I, BILLY HAYS, will sell you more of it than you need!