The Buck-Shot Wedding
By Mike Stevens
Luke Spandex was not a happy camper. His daughter Nell was getting cold feet about her upcoming wedding to her cousin, Mel. His only daughter was doing exactly what Luke feared, she was wussing out. He’d fathered 6 sons and then, her. Sons, he could understand why they did what they did, but his daughter? The girl was crazy. He’d often told her he wished she’d have been another son. For some strange reason she had low self-esteem. Well, if she thought he was just going to accept her decision, she was even more of a moron than he thought. All of these years he had tried to bribe a guy to take her off his hands and now, she was bailing. No way! He’d worked too damn hard. He got out his loaded double-pump shotgun, and marched into her room.
He said, “No daughter of mine is going to get out of this wedding. I only have one, so guess what? That means you, so get your butt into the bathroom, and see what you can do about fixing your face. Believe me, it needs a lot of work. Then, I’m driving you to the church and you’re getting married.”
Nell wailed, “But, Daddy, I don’t even love him!”
Luke replied, “Gee, that’s too bad, but I don’t give a damn. Plenty of marriages do just fine without love. I know you’re scared, but hell, I can’t be responsible for you forever. Now, cut the blubbering and get moving; get in my damn truck!” and for added emphasis, he waved the shotgun towards her.
In an hour they were seated in Luke’s 4x4, and on their way to the church. He had insisted Nell wear a brand-new, white tee-shirt. Along their way to the church, they passed a dejected-looking Mel, trudging along the road. Luke slammed on the brakes, rolled down the window, and asked,
“Mel, where are you going?”
Mel replied, “Back home, I guess Nell doesn’t want to marry me, and why are you holding a shotgun to her neck?” Then he turned his head and spit out his chewing tobacco.
Luke then said. “Oh, that? I just had to explain my thoughts to her; she was a little apprehensive, but when I told her that everyone’s apprehensive, she changed her mind. Now, hop in and let’s get you two married!”
Mel answered, “But the guests have all gone home.”
“Ah, we’ll get you two hitched without them,” Luke said.
Mel climbed into the truck, and Nell started to say, “Well, I really don’t wan—”
Luke waved the shotgun in her direction and said, “Now, honey, that kind of talk should be reserved for your honeymoon.”
Luke threw Mel a beer and they continued on towards the church.