The Man from Pipestem
By Mike Stevens
A Pipestem Daydream Tale
Clem Cousins sat on the front porch of his double wide mobile home, smoking the last of his unfiltered cigarette as he enjoyed the end of a beautiful summer evening. From inside the house drifted his wife Eunice’s grating voice.
“Clem, you shouldn’t be sitting around when I need several things done!”
Why didn’t that surprise him? She was always ragging on him about something. He tried his best to block out her latest screeches, but her ranting was so loud, every neighbor for blocks around their home in the town of Pipestem could hear every word of her complaining.
“When you’re through being your usual lazy self, I need…”
Clem felt himself retreating from his bleak and dreary real world into the only place were she could not follow; the world he’d had created for himself in his mind.
“Clem dear, supper’s ready!” Clem imagined a buxom blonde woman calling to him and taking the place of the sea hag he was really married to.
“I’ll be right in, dear-heart.”
As he saw himself pulling open the front door on his 18-room mansion, his wife Bambi ran to meet him. He marveled at the way she defied gravity as she bounced her way over to him, wearing his favorite outfit; a hot pink thong bikini. In fact, even if he imagined there was two feet of snow outside, in his daydreams she always wore the bikini, and often less.
“Are you unwound from your stressful job as a successful international banker?” she asked.
He had gone out to the porch to have a drink and several cigarettes and relax after he’d gotten off work, and now his beautiful, sexy wife (who was completely opposite from his reality) was calling him to dinner, which she dutifully prepared in her thong bikini.
“Here’s your dinner honey. I hope you’re in the mood to eat it in a hurry, because I’m in the mood for something else!” He had to be the luckiest man alive!
After taking care of the something else, they were both relaxing on the couch. His wife was once again clothed only in the bikini, and after awhile, Bambi jumped to her feet and asked him,
“Would you like another beer? You’ve been working like a dog to earn your pay, and you shouldn’t have to do anything but put your feet up and watch your pro wrestling on our big screen television! Just sit back, let me get you the remote, and I’ll run to the refrigerator and get you a beer. While I’m in the kitchen, why don’t I make you something special; say some cookies?”
Was this great or what? He was living in a true paradise, albeit only in his mind. “Sure babe, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”
“Too much trouble? Why would it be too much trouble? Nothing’s too much of a bother for the bread winner and the man I love,” she replied.
He wondered why his real-life wife couldn’t be more like Bambi? As he was thinking this, he was jolted back to reality by hearing,
“…the yard needs to be mowed, and…Clem, have you heard a word I’ve said? I’ve been talking for ten minutes, and you seemed to tune out what I was saying.”
“I’m sorry Eunice, now what were you saying?”
Before she could answer, their son bounded across the living room and interrupted them by saying, “So long Mom and Dad, I’ll be over playing video games at Freddy’s house.”
Eunice responded sarcastically, “By all means, don’t let your fun be ruined by having me point out that the chores you don’t do, I’ll have to do.”
“Oh Mom, don’t lay a guilt trip on me,” Clem Jr. answered, making a sour face.
“Oh, did I touch a nerve about your responsibilities?” answered Eunice.
Making an angry face, Clem Jr. then said, “Okay, okay, I’ll stay! What exactly needs to be done?”
“Well, for starters…why don’t I just make you a list?”
Clem Sr. thought to himself, here we go!, and as Eunice stomped her way into the kitchen to get pen and paper, he let his mind wander back to the imaginary home he kept with Bambi and her hot-pink thong bikini.